The Trauma Of Abandonment | Dr. Gabor Mate

Summary

The speaker, Dr. Gabor Maté, shares his deeply personal experiences of trauma and abandonment from childhood, including being handed over to a stranger at age 1 during World War II in Budapest. He explores how such early stress and emotional deprivation can shape brain development and lead to conditions like ADHD. Maté emphasizes that many childhood disorders stem from the 'biology of loss' rather than solely genetic factors, as the brain's development is profoundly impacted by the emotional environment provided by parents. He advocates for mindfulness and understanding the root causes behind behavioral issues instead of relying solely on medication and behavioral control.

Takeaways

• 😞 The speaker experienced deep emotional abandonment as a child due to traumatic events during World War II, which shaped his brain development and led to lasting psychological impacts.
• 🧠 Brain development is heavily influenced by early childhood experiences and the emotional environment, not just genetics. Stress and lack of attunement from parents can adversely affect brain circuitry formation.
• 🌳 Coping mechanisms developed in childhood to deal with stress, such as dissociation or 'tuning out', can become maladaptive traits later in life if they persist, leading to dysfunctional behavior and pathology.
• 👪 Intergenerational trauma can be passed down through the effects of parental stress on child brain development, creating a cycle of emotional and behavioral issues across generations.
• 🔍 Conditions like ADHD may stem from adaptations to early life stress rather than being purely genetic disorders. A mindful, trauma-informed approach is needed to understand and address the root causes.
• 🩺 The speaker, a physician, developed a workaholic tendency as an adaptation to feeling unwanted, constantly seeking to be 'needed' to compensate for the lack of being wanted as a child.
• 💔 Unresolved emotional wounds from childhood, such as the speaker's sense of abandonment, can manifest in intense emotional reactions to seemingly minor triggers in adulthood, driven by implicit memories.
• 🧘‍♀️ Mindfulness and self-awareness are presented as key tools to recognize and process these deep-rooted emotional patterns, allowing for understanding and healing rather than unconscious reactivity.
• 📈 The speaker suggests that the rise in childhood developmental disorders may be linked to the biological impacts of attachment trauma and loss being passed down generationally, rather than purely genetic factors.
• 🌐 The script highlights the need for a broader, trauma-informed understanding of mental health issues, moving beyond simplistic genetic explanations and towards addressing the complex interplay of biology, emotion, and early life experiences.

Q & A

What was the traumatic event that happened when the speaker was a baby?

When the speaker was just 2 months old, the Nazis occupied Hungary during World War II. His Jewish mother was terrorized, depressed, and grieving the loss of her parents in Auschwitz. As an infant, he had to 'tune out' his mother's stress and depression, which impacted his brain development.

What happened when the speaker was around 1 year old?

When he was around 1 year old, his mother gave him to a total stranger on the street to save his life because she didn't know if she would survive the next day. This left him with a deep sense of abandonment and feeling unwanted.

How did the speaker's childhood experiences affect his brain development?

The speaker's experiences of his mother's stress, depression, and temporary abandonment during his early childhood impacted the development of his brain circuits and systems. The coping mechanism of 'tuning out' became a long-term trait, leading to difficulties with attention and focus later diagnosed as ADHD.

What is the speaker's view on the genetic basis of ADHD?

The speaker does not believe that ADHD is a genetic disorder. Instead, he attributes it to the impact of early childhood stress and trauma on brain development, which can be passed down multi-generationally.

How did the speaker's childhood experiences influence his behavior as an adult and parent?

Feeling unwanted as a child, the speaker compensated by trying to make himself needed, working excessively as a physician and being available to his patients all the time. However, this left him less available for his own children, who then developed their own issues due to the lack of attachment.

What is the speaker's perspective on the increase in childhood developmental disorders?

The speaker believes that the increase in childhood disorders like autism, behavioral problems, and learning difficulties is a reflection of the "biology of loss" – the impact of disrupted attachment relationships and stress on children's brain development.

What does the speaker suggest as a solution for addressing these childhood issues?

The speaker suggests that instead of relying solely on medications and behavioral control, we should examine and address the underlying issues of disrupted attachment relationships and childhood stress that are affecting children's brain development.

How does the speaker describe the role of mindfulness in dealing with emotional trauma?

The speaker suggests that mindfulness can help in recognizing and accepting emotions as they arise, holding them with awareness, and then understanding their roots in past experiences or "implicit memories." This allows for a more mindful response instead of reacting based on those implicit memories.

What is the significance of the speaker's statement that "the emotions and the biology are completely inseparable"?

The speaker emphasizes that emotions and biology are interconnected, and emotional experiences, particularly in early childhood, can have profound impacts on biological processes, such as brain development and physiological responses.

How does the speaker's personal experience inform his understanding of childhood trauma and its effects?

The speaker draws extensively from his own experiences of childhood trauma, including his mother's depression and his temporary abandonment, to illustrate how these events can shape brain development, coping mechanisms, and long-term psychological and behavioral patterns.

Outlines

00:00

🧠 Early Trauma and Brain Development

The speaker recounts his traumatic childhood experiences, including being handed over to a stranger as an infant to save his life during World War II in Budapest. He explains how early emotional trauma, like the stress and depression his mother experienced, can shape brain development. The implicit emotional memories formed during this critical period, even without explicit recall, can have long-lasting impacts on biology and behavior, such as his later diagnosis of ADHD.

05:03

🌱 Intergenerational Trauma and Coping Mechanisms

The speaker describes how the trauma and stress he experienced as an infant due to the war and his mother's depression programmed his brain to develop coping mechanisms like 'tuning out.' This adaptive response became a trait, leading to his ADHD diagnosis much later in life. He also discusses how his workaholic tendencies stemmed from a need to feel wanted and needed. The same patterns repeated with his children, who were also diagnosed with disorders, perpetuating the intergenerational cycle of trauma.

10:04

🔍 Understanding Childhood Developmental Disorders

The speaker argues that the increasing prevalence of childhood developmental disorders like autism, behavioral problems, and learning difficulties is not a result of genetics but rather a manifestation of the 'biology of loss.' He suggests that these disorders stem from disrupted attachment relationships and the impact of trauma and stress on brain development. Instead of medicating and controlling children's behavior, he advocates for understanding and addressing the underlying emotional and relational issues.

Keywords

💡Abandonment

A feeling of being left or deserted, emotionally or physically. In the video, the speaker talks about his deep sense of abandonment from being handed over to a stranger as an infant to save his life during wartime. This emotional experience of abandonment during a critical period of brain development left an implicit memory that shaped his personality and behavior later in life.

💡Brain development

The process by which the brain grows and forms neural connections, influenced by both genetic factors and environmental experiences, especially during childhood. The speaker emphasizes that optimal brain development requires emotionally available, responsive, and non-stressed parents. He explains how traumatic experiences, like his mother's stress during the war, can disrupt normal brain development and lead to adaptations that become ingrained traits.

💡ADHD

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, a neurological condition characterized by inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. The speaker was diagnosed with ADHD later in life and attributes it to the adaptations his brain made in response to his mother's stress and trauma during his infancy. He rejects the notion that ADHD is purely genetic and emphasizes the role of early life experiences in shaping brain development.

💡Implicit memory

Memories that are not consciously recalled but are encoded through emotional experiences and shape behavior and personality. The speaker discusses how his implicit memory of abandonment, despite having no explicit recollection of being handed to a stranger, deeply influenced his sense of not being wanted and his subsequent behavior patterns.

💡Adaptation

Adjustments or changes made in response to stress or adverse circumstances. The speaker explains that adaptations, like dissociation or "tuning out," which may be helpful for a child in stressful situations, can become maladaptive traits if they persist into adulthood. He suggests that many disorders and behaviors labeled as pathological are actually adaptations to early life stress and trauma.

💡Mindfulness

The practice of being present and aware of one's thoughts, feelings, and sensations without judgment. The speaker presents mindfulness as a solution for recognizing and understanding implicit emotional memories and their influence on behavior. By cultivating mindfulness, one can become aware of these deeply ingrained patterns and respond to them consciously.

💡Multi-generational trauma

Trauma that is passed down from one generation to the next, often through its impact on parenting and family dynamics. The speaker suggests that his ADHD, as well as his children's diagnoses, are a result of multi-generational trauma stemming from his family's experiences during the war, which affected brain development and attachment relationships.

💡Attachment relationships

The emotional bonds formed between a child and their primary caregivers, which are crucial for healthy social, emotional, and cognitive development. The speaker emphasizes the importance of secure attachment relationships for optimal brain development and suggests that many childhood disorders stem from disruptions in these attachment relationships due to parental stress, trauma, or emotional unavailability.

💡Biology of loss

The physical and neurological effects of experiencing loss, separation, or lack of emotional support during critical developmental stages. The speaker attributes the increase in childhood developmental disorders and behavioral problems to the "biology of loss," which refers to how early experiences of loss or lack of attachment shape brain development and contribute to later difficulties.

💡Emotional availability

The ability of a parent or caregiver to be emotionally responsive, attuned, and present for a child's emotional needs. The speaker emphasizes that emotional availability from parents is a necessary condition for optimal brain development and that a lack of it can lead to adaptations and disruptions in the child's neurological and emotional growth.

Highlights

When I was a year old, my mother gave me to a total stranger in the street to save my life because she didn't know she'd be alive the next day. I didn't see her for a month, leading to a deep sense of abandonment and not being wanted.

Although I don't recall the actual event of being handed to a stranger, since the hippocampus that encodes recall memory is not developed until later, the emotional implicit memory of abandonment is deep in me.

Emotions and biology are completely inseparable, and what happens on the emotional plane inevitably manifests on the biological plane, affecting brain development.

The speaker became interested in brain development when diagnosed with ADHD at age 53 or 54, followed by two of their kids being diagnosed, which seemed to align with the mainstream medical view of ADHD being a genetic disorder, but the speaker never bought into this view.

The speaker intuited that tuning out or absent-mindedness (characteristics of ADHD) is not a disease but an adaptive response to stress.

The brain develops through interaction with the environment, not solely through genetic programming. The most significant factor shaping brain development is the emotional relationship with the parenting environment.

Optimal brain development requires parents who are emotionally available, consistently available, non-stressed, non-depressed, and mutually responsive or attuned to the child.

The speaker's early life experiences, being born in Budapest during WWII with Jewish parents facing the Nazi occupation and genocide, led to their mother's stress programming the speaker's brain from infancy through tuning out as an adaptive response.

The adaptation of tuning out, which was initially a temporary state, became a trait due to the critical brain development periods in the first year of life.

The speaker's workaholic tendencies as a physician stemmed from the early message of not being wanted, leading to a need to make themselves needed to compensate.

The speaker's children were diagnosed with ADHD, not due to genetics, but as a result of multi-generational trauma and stress affecting brain development, passing on the adaptation of tuning out.

The increase in childhood developmental disorders, like autism and learning difficulties, is a result of the biology of loss affecting children's brain development, often addressed with medications and behavioral control instead of understanding the underlying issues.

Children's actions, such as acting out or displaying behavioral problems, are a manifestation of their lost attachment relationships, rather than inherent disorders.

The implicit memories and emotions that govern us can be addressed through mindfulness, recognizing and accepting the emotions as they arise, and exploring their origins to understand and process them.

The solution lies in mindfulness, but the problem is the implicit memories and their impact on brain development and subsequent generations.

Transcripts

when I was a year old my mother actually

gave me to a total stranger in the

street to save my life

because she didn't know she'd be alive

the next day so I didn't see her for a

month

deep sense of Abandonment not being

wanted

now I don't recall that

I can't recall being handed to a

stranger in the streets of Budapest

because there's nothing to recall with

the brains organ than the brain the

hippocampus that encodes recall memory

is not developed and yet it doesn't

develop till later but the emotional

implicit memory of Abandonment is deep

in me

foreign

emotionally that translates into biology

so it's not that there's biology here

and our emotions here it's that the

emotions and the biology are completely

inseparable

and what happens on the emotional plane

inevitably will have its manifestations

and a biological plane so what you lose

emotionally translates into biological

events in your body and that begins with

brain development I began to be

interested in brain development when I

was diagnosed with ADHD I was 53 I think

54 53 and

[Music]

um

within a couple of months two of my kids

were diagnosed

which seemed to go along with the

mainstream medical view that what we've

got here is a genetic disorder

which I never bought into for a minute

and why didn't I buy into it because

although I didn't know anything about

the brain or how it developed I knew

something

tuning out the absent-mindedness

that characterized is not a disease

inherited or otherwise

what is tuning out

it's an Adaptive response to the stress

so that if I were to stress you right

now but I mean though that is to be

verbally abusive emotionally insulting

domineering

you would go into a stress state

and how could you deal with it well you

could just walk out the door

or you could stand up and say you can't

talk to me like that I will not accept

it and if you couldn't walk out nor did

you have the strength to confront me to

fight back if flight or fight wasn't

available to you there's still a third

thing you could do there are what 100

200 people here in the room with you you

could ask for help

but what if you couldn't

do any of those things then how would

you handle the stress well you wouldn't

your brain would handle it by a number

of defense mechanisms

the Salient of which would be

dissociation

you dissociate all sudden you're not

here now you're not suffering as much so

simply A coping response is all it is

the way we adapt to early stress helps

us endure that difficult period in the

life of the helpless child but those

same adaptations become sources of

pathology threaten your health threaten

the length you know your longevity even

so what's adaptive in one situation

what's meant to be a temporary

state

it becomes a long-term trait and when it

goes from state to a trade know it's a

source of dysfunction and pathology

so that's what I intuited about about

the tuning out but what I didn't know

and this is astonishing

is is the how the brain actually

develops another brain develops it's an

interaction with the environment

so the brain is not genetically

programmed the potentials are

genetically set and the trajectory of

development in terms of what circuits

will develop when that's set generically

but how are they will develop how

successfully they will unfold and

connect and what systems in the brain

will become to dominate that's not a

genetically programmed that depends on

the interaction of that individual with

the environment

the most significant factor

shaping the physiological development of

the brain is the emotional relationship

with the parenting environment

and the necessary condition for optimal

brain development which is so rarely

available in North America are parents

who are emotionally available

consistently available

non-stressed non-depressed and mutually

responsive or attuned to the child

now anything that interferes with the

capacity of the parent to offer those

qualities to the child will have its

impact on brain development

so if you look at my ADHD it's really

easy to understand I was born in

Budapest hunger in 1944 Jewish parents

this is a second world war and when I'm

two months old the Nazis occupy hungry

the genocide had already exterminated

most Jews in Eastern Europe

and I was hungryster

but the day after the Weymouth the

German Army marches The Budapest my

mother forms a pediatrician and I'm two

months old and she says would you please

come and see Gabor because he's crying

all the time and the pediatrician says

of course I can't but I'll tell you all

my Jewish babies are crying

now what are you supposed to be going on

I mean as infants what do we know about

Nazis Hitler genocide Sycamore War

nothing what are responding to

stress of our mothers

and the stress of our mothers program

our brains

now what do you do

as a two-month-old and that was my first

year of my life

when your mother is depressed

terrorized

in grief over the death of her parents

in Auschwitz

the absence of her husband you know

forced labor can

is it two month old is a six-month-old

what do you do with that pain and stress

you tune it out

but when do you tune it out when your

brain is developing when every second

there are periods in the first year of

life when every second in this space of

time millions of brain connections are

being made

guess what that adaptation of tuning out

becomes goes from a temporary state to a

trade

and so 52 years later I'm finally

diagnosed with ADHD

why my kids

my kids grew up in Vancouver no war my

kids weren't abused there was no

substance addiction I wasn't an

alcoholic or anything like that I was a

workaholic physician

why was I a workout like physician

because the message I got from the world

very early on is I wasn't wanted not

because my mother didn't want me but for

the child to feel wanted the mother has

to be happy

the most to be emotionally present and

children when they don't get that it's

all about themselves children are truly

narcissistic in that sense it's not a

pejorative just a statement of reality

they think it's all about themselves

they think it's all about themselves

when you see a narcissistic personality

what you're seeing is a highly

traumatized person who still thinks it's

all about him because he didn't get

those needs met as the child so he's

still trying to get it pay attention to

me

so the personality that we don't develop

actually is an adaptation

and then when I was a year old my mother

actually gave me to a total stranger in

the street to save my life

because she didn't know she'd be alive

the next day

and so I didn't see her for a month

deep sense of Abandonment not being

wanted

now I don't recall that

I can't recall being handed to a

stranger in the streets of Budapest

because there's nothing to recall with

the brains organs in the brain the

hippocampus that encodes recall memory

is not developed and yet it doesn't

develop till later but the emotional

implicit memory of Abandonment is deep

in me

so that when five weeks ago I arrived

home from Vancouver from Philadelphia

from a speaking engagement

I'm feeling really good about myself

I think I'm really centered and grounded

and my wife does not pick me up at the

airport or she texts me saying I'll be

15 minutes late I go into a rage what's

that rage above the woman whom I need is

not here for me

that's an implicit memory and we're

governed by these implicit memories

until we become aware until we become

conscious until I can notice that anger

rising up in me aha anger arising uh-huh

what's that about I take that hand talks

about calming first of all you recognize

that there's an emotion arising inside

you and then he says you accept it

right now there's anger and then you

hold the anger mindfully like you'd hold

a baby

then you look

what is it actually all about

and then the inside comes aha this is

old stuff

well then nothing to be upset about

right

so the the solution is mindfulness

but I'm laying at the problem for you

which is the implicit memories that with

my children and so so since I wasn't

wanted I have to compensate

now how do you compensate for not being

wanted by making yourself needed

they may not want me but they're going

to need me so this is going to be on all

the time and I'm available for all my

patients all the time 24 7. and I'll

never say no to taking on more patients

because that's another sign that I'm

being wanted right

we're needed

where does that leave my kids

with the sense that they're not wanted

because daddy is not around

and mommy is so stressed because Daddy's

not around

so they they tune up

now they're diagnosed with anything

genetic disease nonsense

multi-generational trauma and stress

being passed on as it affects brain

development and if you want to

understand why we're seeing a

preponderance of childhood development

disorders like all these diagnoses

autism 40-fold increase but all these

diagnosis behavior problems the school

problem the learning difficulties you

know what we're looking at we're looking

at the biology of loss as it's affecting

the brains of our children and then how

we respond to it is with medications and

behavioral control instead of saying

what's going on here or what's going on

here is there are children are acting

out their lost attachment relationships

[Music]

thank you