How I learned to make more friends

Summary

In this video, the speaker emphasizes the importance of surrounding oneself with the right people to form a meaningful tribe. They share personal experiences and offer advice on making genuine connections. Key takeaways include taking the initiative in social interactions, embracing honesty to foster deeper relationships, and understanding that rejection can be a tool for finding compatible friends. The speaker also suggests leveraging demographics to increase the chances of meeting like-minded individuals, and promotes Skillshare as a resource for learning new skills and connecting with others who share similar interests.

Takeaways

• 😇 The importance of forming intentional friendships with people who make you a better person is emphasized.
• 🌟 Friendships can come and go, but they teach you about yourself through the perspectives of others.
• 📚 Surrounding yourself with the right people is crucial for personal growth and forming a supportive tribe.
• 🛠️ Taking the initiative in social interactions is key to building a fulfilling social life.
• 🔍 A Reddit post inspired the speaker to be proactive in making plans and inviting people to events.
• 🗣️ Honesty is highlighted as an antidote to superficial relationships, encouraging people to voice their true opinions.
• 💡 Avoiding controversy for fear of offending can lead to being liked by all but loved by none.
• 🤔 Engaging in genuine conversations that go beyond small talk can help form deeper connections.
• 🚫 Rejection is presented as a useful tool for quickly identifying who you can genuinely bond with.
• 📊 Demographics play a role in finding like-minded individuals, suggesting that seeking out specific groups can increase the chances of meaningful connections.
• 🎨 Skillshare is introduced as a resource for learning new skills and pursuing hobbies, potentially aiding in finding a community with shared interests.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the video script?

The main theme of the video script is about the importance of forming meaningful friendships and the strategies to make and maintain high-quality relationships.

Why does the speaker emphasize the importance of surrounding oneself with the right people?

The speaker emphasizes this because they believe that the people we are close with can influence our self-perception and help shape who we are.

What is the first tip the speaker gives for making friends?

The first tip is to always assume initiative, meaning to take control and make plans to invite people to do things, rather than waiting for others to invite you.

Why did the Reddit post about a loner's experience change the speaker's perspective on friendships?

The Reddit post made the speaker realize the importance of making an effort to invite people and not just waiting for invitations, as it was a common mistake he was making.

What is the speaker's view on honesty in social interactions?

The speaker believes that honesty is crucial in social interactions as it helps people to truly know who you are and can lead to deeper connections or quick rejections based on incompatibility.

How does the speaker describe the outcome of not voicing true opinions in social situations?

The speaker describes it as being liked by everyone but loved by no one, as people may see you as agreeable but not really know or trust you.

What is the speaker's advice on breaking out of small talk to form deeper relationships?

The advice is to ask questions that you are genuinely curious about, even if they might seem unusual, and to be open about your opinions and passions.

Why does the speaker consider rejection to be a useful tool in forming friendships?

Rejection is considered useful because it helps identify who you can truly bond with by filtering out those who disagree with your opinions or are incompatible with you.

What is the difference between acute and gradual rejection according to the speaker?

Acute rejection happens quickly when two people realize they are incompatible right away, while gradual rejection occurs over time in a relationship where communication is poor and differences are not addressed.

How does the speaker suggest finding like-minded people to form friendships?

The speaker suggests going to places where people with similar interests and values are likely to be, such as joining clubs, groups, or attending events related to your hobbies.

What role does Skillshare play in the video script, and why is it recommended by the speaker?

Skillshare is an online learning community recommended in the script for its practical classes that can help individuals improve their skills in various areas, such as photography or online presence, which can be beneficial in pursuing hobbies and connecting with others.

Outlines

00:00

🤝 The Power of Intentional Friendships

The speaker reflects on the importance of surrounding oneself with the right people who contribute positively to one's personal growth. They emphasize the impact of close relationships on self-perception and the value of forming a 'tribe' with intention. The speaker shares their belief that friendships should be organic and not follow a rigid plan, but they also highlight the significance of taking the initiative in social interactions to foster meaningful connections.

05:02

🗣️ Honesty and Rejection in Social Dynamics

This paragraph delves into the necessity of honesty in social interactions, discussing the pitfalls of being overly agreeable and the importance of expressing genuine opinions to form deeper connections. The speaker uses the story of a Reddit post to illustrate the point that taking initiative in social situations can prevent drifting apart. They also touch on the concept of rejection as a tool for identifying compatible individuals and advocate for clear, honest communication to avoid painful, drawn-out incompatibilities.

10:04

🏋️‍♂️ Finding Your Tribe Through Demographics

The speaker discusses the concept of demographics in relation to finding like-minded individuals, suggesting that people often fail to look in the right places for their 'tribe.' They recommend engaging in activities and joining groups that align with one's interests and values to increase the chances of meeting compatible people. The paragraph also includes a promotion for Skillshare, an online learning platform, as a resource for developing skills and pursuing passions, which can in turn help individuals find their community.

Keywords

💡Friendships

Friendships are a crucial aspect of the video's narrative, referring to the personal connections and bonds that the speaker has formed throughout their life. The speaker emphasizes that friendships teach us about ourselves and are a reflection of our values and character. For example, the speaker mentions that some friends got married, moved away, or became a priest, indicating the diverse paths that friends can take and how these relationships evolve over time.

💡Tribe

In the context of the video, 'tribe' refers to a group of people with whom one shares a close connection, often based on shared values, interests, or a sense of belonging. The speaker suggests forming a tribe with intention, meaning to deliberately choose the company of people who positively influence one's life. This concept is integral to the video's theme of building meaningful relationships.

💡Initiative

Initiative is highlighted as a key action in the video, where the speaker advises taking the first step in social interactions, such as making plans or inviting others to events. The term is used to illustrate the importance of being proactive in shaping one's social life, rather than passively waiting for opportunities to arise. The video shares a personal anecdote about a Reddit post that inspired the speaker to change their approach to friendships by taking initiative.

💡Honesty

Honesty is presented as an antidote to superficial relationships in the video. The speaker argues that being honest, even when it risks being controversial or offensive, is essential for genuine connections. Honesty allows others to understand who you truly are, which is vital for forming deep and meaningful relationships. The video discusses the fear of voicing opinions and the tendency to be overly agreeable as barriers to authenticity.

💡Rejection

Rejection is framed as a useful tool in the video, suggesting that it can be a positive outcome when it helps identify incompatible relationships early on. The speaker discusses both acute and gradual rejection, explaining that honest communication can lead to quick rejection, which is preferable to a slow, painful realization of incompatibility. Rejection is seen as a natural part of forming genuine connections.

💡Demographics

Demographics are mentioned in the context of finding like-minded individuals. The speaker advises going to places where people with similar interests and values are likely to be found, such as religious groups, sports teams, or clubs related to specific hobbies. This approach is based on the principle of increasing the likelihood of meeting people with whom one can form meaningful connections.

💡Skillshare

Skillshare is introduced as an online learning platform in the video, offering a wide range of classes across various topics. The speaker recommends it as a resource for improving skills in areas of interest, which can help individuals feel more confident in social settings related to those interests. The mention of Skillshare serves as a practical example of how one can develop hobbies and interests to connect with others.

💡Controversial

The term 'controversial' is used to describe opinions or statements that may provoke debate or disagreement. In the video, the speaker encourages embracing one's controversial views as a way to foster authenticity and to attract like-minded individuals. This is part of the broader message that being true to oneself is essential for building deep relationships.

💡Incompatibility

Incompatibility refers to the lack of harmony or shared understanding between individuals, which can lead to the failure of a relationship. The video discusses how honest communication can reveal incompatibilities early, allowing for a quick rejection that prevents the development of more painful, long-term conflicts.

💡Self-improvement

Self-improvement is a theme that runs through the video, as the speaker shares personal growth experiences and advice on how to improve one's social skills and relationships. The mention of Reddit self-improvement forums and the transformative impact of a specific post on the speaker's life exemplify the concept of self-improvement as an ongoing, learning process.

Highlights

The importance of surrounding oneself with the right people to form a supportive tribe.

The impact of friendships on personal identity and growth.

The unpredictability of forming meaningful friendships.

The value of taking the initiative in social interactions.

A personal story from Reddit about the realization of the need to invite others.

The misconception of waiting for others to make social plans.

Honesty as a key to forming genuine connections.

The pitfalls of being overly agreeable in social interactions.

The importance of expressing true opinions to build trust and deeper relationships.

The concept of rejection as a useful tool for identifying compatible individuals.

The difference between acute and gradual rejection in forming relationships.

The role of demographics in finding like-minded individuals.

The advice from 'Models' by Mark Manson on meeting people with similar interests.

Overcoming the fear of joining groups due to perceived lack of proficiency.

Skillshare as a resource for learning new skills and improving hobbies.

The benefits of Skillshare's practical classes for real-life application.

Skillshare's affordability compared to in-person classes.

A special offer for a free trial of Skillshare premium for new users.

Encouragement for viewers to subscribe and engage with the content for more insights.

Transcripts

- I've been very blessed to have had

some absolutely amazing friendships in my life.

And while many of them have come and gone,

some of them got married, some of them moved town,

one of them became a priest, actually.

(crowd laughing)

But anyways.

All the amazing friends in my life have taught me something

about what it means to be me.

Because I think you view yourself through the eyes

of other people, especially people you're close with.

So I think it's really important to surround yourself

with the right people, to form your tribe with intention.

You wanna surround yourself with people

who make you a better person.

And for the most part those types of relationships

are gonna be friendships,

but you don't get quality friendships by following

a step-by-step action plan or something like that.

Some of the best relationships I've ever had

in my life seem to have just randomly happened

when I wasn't really expecting it whatsoever.

So needless to say with this video

I'm not interested in giving you a step-by-step guide

as to how to make everyone want to be your friend,

or anything like that,

because I think that's kind of futile and dumb.

But I do wanna talk about some really useful things

that I've learned throughout my life,

that have really helped me make friends easier

and make higher quality friends.

And overall just connect with people a lot more genuinely.

♪ Somebody sexy, tell 'em hey ♪

♪ Give me ev-- ♪

- The number one tip that I have is to

always assume initiative.

So back when I was like 15 or 16 years old

I was browsing Reddit self-improvement forums

and stuff like that.

I was on like r/socialskills and I came across this post

that pretty much changed my entire life.

I've been looking everywhere for this one post,

but I can't find it anywhere.

So if someone can help me out with this, that'd be great.

But in the post, there was this guy who talked about

how he didn't have very many friends,

and the friends that he did have were starting to fade away

and he didn't know why.

He was kind of a loner, kind of an introvert,

and all these friends started to just drift away from him,

and he was getting really upset.

Until the very last friend that he had

finally stopped calling him.

Angry, confused, and saddened by this,

this Reddit poster runs up to his friend

and says, "Dude, where'd you go?

"Why'd you stop calling me?

"Why don't you invite me to stuff anymore?"

And his friend turned to him and simply said,

"It's 'cause you don't invite me anywhere.

"I figured you didn't like hanging out with me."

And this really kind of changed my perspective

because I just never invited people anywhere.

I always waited for the invitation.

I was always sitting there on my butt,

wondering why nobody was inviting me

to cool parties and stuff.

And I eventually realized

that I wasn't making any effort whatsoever

to make plans and call people up, invite them to stuff.

If you don't have very many friends

and you tend to not do things very often

and you wanna be someone who does things with people,

then take control.

Just like any other aspect of your life,

if you wanna change something it's up to you

because it's your life.

So take control of your social life as well.

Always assume initiative.

If you wanna do something fun,

come up with an idea, invite the person to that idea.

If they don't wanna come to that idea, leave 'em be.

Is that recording?

- [Man] I recorded you peeing.

- Did you?

- [Man] Yeah.

- Okay, so the next big thing that I've learned

is that honesty is the antidote.

One of the biggest pitfalls in any social interaction

is the fear of voicing your opinion, or being controversial,

or politically incorrect, or offensive.

But this fear really has to go

if anybody is to know who you are in this world.

Because so many people are so agreeable,

they're extremely careful about every little thing they say,

they're making sure they're not hurting anyone's feelings.

They're making sure that they're laughing

at everyone's jokes.

They're being very pleasant.

And what this eventually does is that you tend to be seen

by a large amount of people as, oh yeah, he's nice.

People are kinda, they don't really know you

but you're unoffensive to them

so you're okay to have around.

You'll be liked by everyone, but loved by no one.

So if you're the kind of person

who doesn't ever want to make any sort of waves,

or make anyone feel uncomfortable,

and you find it really hard to make it past

kind of a surface level acquaintanceship

with most people, then that's probably the reason.

By not voicing your true opinions,

by not speaking honestly about things

that you're passionate about, or things that you've learned,

or standing up for what's right,

you're basically concealing your identity from people.

And people don't tend to bond with people

that they don't know at all.

Especially people who they don't trust.

I feel like everybody has a few people in their life

that when they come across them in a grocery store,

or something like that,

you have the exact same conversation every single time.

"Hey man, how's it goin'?

"Oh yeah that's cool, how's the hockey team goin'?

"Oh yeah, sweet yeah.

"So you gettin' on the ice a lot?

"Oh, that's good man, that's good man.

"Yeah, your wife's family's all good?

"Oh, that's good, that's good.

"Well, I'm gonna let you go I gotta get running,

"but great running into you,

"I'll see you some other time."

I feel like I have that conversation

with like eight to 10 people in my life.

Usually just people I play hockey with

or something like that.

So I'm not saying you need to get past that stage

with every single person that you meet in this world,

and form deep friendships with everybody you lock eyes with.

But what I am saying is that if you're interested

in forming deeper relationships with people

then you have to be willing to kinda

break out of that small talk,

ask questions you're actually curious about,

and that you might think is like a weird thing to ask,

but if you wanna ask it, just get good at just asking it.

When you say something that's controversial

and polarizing, people can do either two things.

They can either really bond with what you're saying

and be like, "Yeah, man, that's awesome.

"I totally agree."

Or they can be like, "I'm outta here.

"This guy's cracked."

And both of those things are a really good thing

because of my next point,

which is rejection is a very useful tool.

When you communicate honestly,

when you wear your opinions on your sleeve,

when you're not afraid to be controversial

and be who you are in front of other people,

then you're inevitably gonna make a lot of people

run the other way because they completely disagree with you.

And that's a very good thing

because you can find out very quickly

who the people who are actually staying are.

And the people who are staying are probably people

who you can actually bond with.

And I was thinking about this the other day,

because I think rejection is like an inevitable thing

that always happens if people are incompatible.

And it can either happen right away,

or it happens very gradually over the course

of a very painful and toxic relationship.

A quick rejection is one where one person starts talking

and the other person starts talking,

you don't vibe with that person at all

so you kinda go the other way

and you never talk with that person again.

That's an acute rejection.

From a dating perspective,

you walk up to a girl, or a guy,

or whoever you're approaching and you're all like,

"Hey baby."

And then they're like, "Nah, get out of here.

"You suck, you smell, your breath is bad, I don't like you."

And then that's it.

You're like, ah okay, that kinda sucks.

But fair enough, I should probably brush my teeth.

That's an acute rejection,

and you never have to talk with that person again.

But that's what happens when people are being honest.

They're saying what they mean.

One person's like,

"Hey, I'm interested in bonding with you."

The other person's like, "No, go away."

And then they split up.

I think that's absolutely perfect.

It's honest, communication, clear cut results.

But a gradual rejection is something

that people don't really think about a lot.

And I think it's when two people are incompatible

but neither of them are very good at communicating honestly.

So these two types of people might actually

get into a friendship or a relationship,

and then find out later down the road

that they actually don't really like each other at all,

and they resent tons of things about them.

So they start to become bitter at each other,

and start to get mad at their fundamental differences.

Start to get petty about little things like,

if they leave a banana on the table

and you lash out at them.

But you're not really lashing out of the banana,

you're lashing out of the fact that you disagree

about religious and political things.

But you never sorted it out to begin with

and now you have to deal with all this like drama later.

It's just an absolute mess.

But usually that only happens

because two parties aren't really communicating

very honestly at the beginning.

They can't see the differences right off the bat,

evaluate them, and then realize,

you know what, this person's so much different than me,

This is probably gonna cause a lot of pain and turmoil

down the road so I'm just gonna split

before it gets too deep.

So if someone's incompatible with you,

rejection and no matter what.

It can either happen right away, or way down the road.

So opt for honest communication and quick rejection.

(chuckling)

This is probably the most un-fun, unflattering

social interaction advice of all time.

Hey, it's Better Ideas here,

here's how to get rejected nine times outta 10.

So this last bit of advice is all about demographics.

And I picked up this bit of information from

"Models" by Mark Manson,

which is actually a book about dating,

and relationships, and stuff like that.

But this honestly applies to friendships

or any kind of relationship that you want to enter into.

So a lot of people complain

that they can't meet anyone like them.

They're a special little snowflake,

they have their own little interests and hobbies.

Maybe they have some weird hobbies,

and interests, and pretty strange opinions.

And they lament because they can never find

their tribe, their people.

People who think exactly like them,

people they can just hit it off with and have a great time.

They can spew all their bizarre opinions

about whatever, together.

But people get sad because

they can't find people who get them.

Well, a lot of people look in the most general places,

the most general public venues of all time

for their soulmate, their best friend.

They're not actually evaluating what interests they have,

what values they hold,

and going to the places where those people exist.

You want to increase your chances

of finding people that you connect with.

That's just basic demographics, it's statistics.

Come on.

If you're religious start actually going to that church

young adults group that you've been avoiding.

There are a lot of people who think like you in that group.

If you're into sports, you're really athletic,

then join an intramural or communal sports team.

Start to get involved with the extracurricular events

and the little optional group meetups and stuff like that.

Go where your people are.

There are people who share your hobbies

and your passions, go there.

But sometimes you might not have a crazy proficiency

in every single one of your hobbies.

So you're afraid that if you go

to one of those group meetups, like a photography club,

everyone's gonna laugh at you because you suck.

You're not good at all, you should probably put

down the camera and never take a picture again.

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