do you want to be loved or do you want to be yourself?
Summary
TLDRThe video explores the tension between authenticity and the need for love and acceptance. It argues that society often forces people to prioritize attachment over being their true selves, leading to cycles of repression and inauthenticity in relationships. Drawing on insights from Jordan Peterson, Gabor Maté, and Ernest Becker, the video discusses how this behavior can lead to chronic illness and emotional distress. It suggests that true love and acceptance can only be achieved by embracing authenticity, self-compassion, and genuine connection with others.
Takeaways
- 🌀 The advice to 'be yourself' to be loved is often contradicted by societal expectations, leading to a cycle of repressing one's true self for acceptance.
- 👶 From childhood, individuals learn that certain emotions and behaviors are unacceptable, resulting in the repression of authentic feelings to gain approval from others.
- 🔄 The cycle of compromising authenticity for attachment in relationships often leads to eventual emotional breakdowns, breakups, or severed ties.
- 💔 The tension between being authentic and being loved is a recurring challenge, as people prioritize external validation over internal authenticity.
- 😔 Repression of emotions and self-denial are linked to chronic illnesses, particularly among those with a 'Type C' personality who prioritize others' needs over their own.
- ⚠️ The social desirability of traits like compassion and diligence can mask unhealthy behaviors that stem from a need for external validation rather than genuine compassion.
- 👥 The need to belong and feel connected can lead individuals to suppress their true selves, prioritizing attachment over authenticity as a survival mechanism.
- 🌟 The existential paradox of wanting to be both unique and part of something larger contributes to the struggle between authenticity and societal acceptance.
- 💬 Authenticity can be achieved through self-awareness and self-compassion, recognizing that personality traits may be outdated survival mechanisms.
- ❤️ True love involves accepting and understanding each other for who we are, encouraging authenticity rather than repression, and fostering genuine, accountable relationships.
Q & A
What does the script suggest about the advice to 'be yourself' in the context of relationships and success?
-The script suggests that the advice to 'be yourself' is often misleading because societal expectations force people to compromise their authenticity to be accepted, whether in romantic relationships, friendships, or achieving success.
How does the script describe the process of socialization and its impact on authenticity?
-The script describes socialization as a process where individuals learn from a young age to prioritize attachment over authenticity. This occurs as they adapt to societal and parental expectations, leading to the repression of their true emotions and desires.
What role does Jordan Peterson's parental advice play in the script's argument?
-Jordan Peterson's advice, which advocates isolating an angry child until they calm down, is criticized in the script as reinforcing the idea that negative emotions must be repressed to be accepted, contributing to the loss of authenticity.
What is Type C personality, and why is it considered unhealthy according to the script?
-Type C personality refers to overly nice people who compulsively prioritize others' needs over their own. This behavior is considered unhealthy because it leads to chronic stress and illness, particularly cancer, as it involves repression of emotions and self-denial.
Why does the script argue that many people develop a Type C personality?
-The script argues that people develop a Type C personality as a survival mechanism, especially during childhood, where they learn to suppress their emotions to fit into their environment and be accepted by others.
What does the script suggest about the relationship between authenticity and vulnerability?
-The script suggests that being too vulnerable or weird can drive people away, leading to a cycle where individuals suppress their true selves to maintain relationships, only for repressed emotions to resurface later, potentially causing relationship breakdowns.
How does the script relate the tension between authenticity and attachment to existential theories?
-The script relates this tension to the existential paradox described by Ernest Becker and Paul Tillich, where individuals seek to belong and be part of something larger while also desiring to maintain their unique identity, leading to internal conflict.
What does the script imply about the role of culture in shaping behavior and beliefs?
-The script implies that much of culture is based on fear-based beliefs and adaptive survival mechanisms, where individuals adopt socially desirable behaviors to fit in, often at the expense of their health and authenticity.
How does the script propose resolving the tension between authenticity and attachment?
-The script proposes resolving this tension by developing awareness and self-compassion, allowing individuals to reconnect with their true selves, set healthy boundaries, and engage in relationships where they are accepted for who they are.
What does the script conclude about the possibility of being both authentic and loved?
-The script concludes that while inauthenticity may not initially be a choice, with self-awareness and compassion, it is possible to be both authentic and loved. True love involves mutual understanding, acceptance, and accountability.
Outlines
🤔 The Paradox of Authenticity vs. Love
This paragraph explores the tension between being true to oneself and the desire to be loved or accepted. It challenges the notion that being authentic is enough to be loved, suggesting that from a young age, individuals learn to modify their behavior to gain approval from others. The example of Jordan Peterson's advice on handling a child's anger highlights how societal expectations teach us to suppress our true emotions to fit in. As we grow, this conflict intensifies, leading to cycles of repressing our true selves to maintain relationships, ultimately questioning whether it's possible to resolve the tension between authenticity and attachment.
💔 The Health Risks of Repression for Love
This paragraph discusses how repressing one's true self to be loved can have severe health consequences. It introduces the concept of 'Type C' personality, characterized by compulsive niceness and self-denial, which is linked to chronic illnesses like cancer. Dr. Gabor Maté's observations reveal that individuals who prioritize others' needs over their own often do so to feel accepted, putting their health at risk. The paragraph also touches on how societal expectations, especially for women, contribute to this repression from a young age, leading to a lifetime of prioritizing attachment over authenticity.
🧠 The Development of Inauthenticity and Its Cultural Roots
This paragraph delves into how inauthenticity develops as a survival mechanism in response to environmental pressures, especially during childhood. It critiques societal norms that encourage the suppression of emotions to fit in, referencing how children adapt to what their parents and society expect to survive. The text critiques Jordan Peterson’s approach to disciplining children, arguing that it teaches repression of negative emotions. The paragraph concludes by exploring how this learned behavior extends into adulthood, leading to a personality that seeks external validation rather than being true to oneself, and how this coping mechanism can perpetuate feelings of unworthiness.
🌱 Breaking Free from Inauthenticity
This paragraph focuses on how to break free from the cycle of inauthenticity. It emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and setting boundaries as key to reconnecting with one's true self. The paragraph also stresses the importance of entering relationships where one is accepted for who they are, which fosters genuine emotional expression. The concept of 'true love' is redefined as a relationship where both partners sincerely want the best for each other while holding each other accountable. Dr. Gabor Maté’s advice is highlighted, encouraging a shift from blame and guilt to curiosity and responsibility as part of the healing process, ultimately suggesting that true love and self-authenticity are indeed possible.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Authenticity
💡Attachment
💡Inauthenticity
💡Repression
💡Type C Personality
💡Gabor Maté
💡Existential Paradox
💡Self-compassion
💡Cultural Expectations
💡Jordan Peterson
Highlights
The common advice to 'be yourself' in order to be loved is often contradicted by societal expectations to suppress authentic emotions and behaviors.
Children learn early on that expressing negative emotions leads to disapproval, teaching them to prioritize acceptable behavior over authenticity.
This suppression of emotions to fit in socially can later manifest in relationships, where being too vulnerable or 'weird' might drive others away.
The cycle of repressing true emotions in relationships often leads to eventual conflict, breakups, or the severing of ties, as suppressed feelings surface.
Medical research suggests that overly nice or repressive personalities (Type C) are more prone to chronic illnesses due to stress and emotional suppression.
The pressure to be liked and accepted can lead people to adopt socially desirable behaviors at the cost of their own health and authenticity.
Dr. Gabor Maté notes that repression of emotions and compulsive concern for others are traits that can lead to serious health risks, including cancer.
Children often suppress their authentic feelings to fit in with their environment, prioritizing attachment over authenticity as a survival mechanism.
As adults, this learned behavior leads to an overly agreeable personality, making it difficult to set boundaries or prioritize personal needs.
Maté critiques the advice of punishing children's outbursts, as it teaches them to repress emotions rather than express them healthily.
The tension between the need for attachment and the desire for authenticity creates a paradox, often leading to internal conflict and feelings of unworthiness.
Ernest Becker and Tillich discuss the existential paradox of needing to belong while also striving for individual authenticity, a conflict exacerbated in modern relationships.
Romantic relationships are often burdened with the expectation of fulfilling both individual and collective needs, leading to disappointment and resentment.
The cultural emphasis on romance creates a fear of being alone, pushing individuals to suppress their true selves to avoid loneliness.
Authenticity can be achieved through awareness and self-compassion, by recognizing outdated survival mechanisms and setting healthy boundaries.
True love is defined as mutual understanding and support for each other's authenticity, encouraging open communication and growth.
Transcripts
if you want to be loved you need to be
yourself this piece of advice offered in
slightly altered forms depending on
whether one is seeking romantic love
success or friendship feels like a big
fat lie we learn from a young age that
to be oneself to be messy ugly needy and
stupid isn't lovable crying because we
feel hurt or launching into a temper
tantrum is met with the disapproval of
our caretakers here we may hear The
Echoes of Jordan Peterson's parental
advice
an angry child should sit by himself
until he calms down then he should be
allowed to return to normal life that
means the child wins instead of his
anger the rule is come be with us as
soon as you can behave properly the
child learns to be accepted for not who
they are but how they are their worth is
dictated by their behavior
later on WE note that being too
vulnerable or weird drives away romantic
prospects what we are left with is an
ultimatum you can either be yourself or
you can be loved and so our
relationships become cyclical we
compromise in the beginning prioritizing
attachment over authenticity we tuck
away ourselves repressing the emotions
that feel closest to us but this only
lasts for a short while
sooner or later ugly truths violently
crashed through our Frozen surface of
conformity
we risk a divorce a breakup the severing
of ties with our family members and then
after a while we miss the basic need of
belonging and once again repress who we
are to be with others is this cycle an
inevitability
can we resolve the tension between
authenticity and detachment
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foreign
most of our tensions and frustrations
stem from compulsive needs to act the
role of someone we are not
this has become increasingly more
evident when we look at medical research
when we think of an unhealthy
personality we tend to imagine the
stressed out CEO unwilling to make time
for his family or to Simply slow down
although this type A personality has its
own risks recent studies suggest a far
more Insidious trait that many of us
carry as the physician Gabor mate notes
those with a type c personality overly
nice people who compulsively Place
others expectations and needs ahead of
their own are more likely to end up with
chronic illnesses it struck me that
these patients had a higher likelihood
of cancer and poorer prognosis
repression disarms one's ability to
protect oneself from stress
these highly toxic repressive
personality traits include a compulsive
concern for others a rigid
identification with responsibility and
Duty a repression of healthy
self-protective aggression and the
consistent acting out of two main
beliefs I am responsible for how other
people feel and also I must never
disappoint anyone
of course none of these traits are
inherently bad but mate notes that it is
the compulsive nature of such behaviors
that denotes a health risk
he explains further he dangerously
self-denying traits tend to fly under
our radar because they are easily
conflated with their healthy analogs
compassion honor diligence loving
kindness generosity one issue with being
type c is that having such traits is
socially desirable in other words we
tend to adopt these behaviors not out of
a sincere sense of compassion but rather
as a way to be liked to feel attached
and accepted
simply put we place our health at risk
in order to be worthy of love
this may explain the over-representation
of women with chronic illnesses who are
usually socialized at a young age to
repress their emotions and satisfy the
needs of others over their own
more generally mate explains how such a
personality could develop
if our environment cannot support our
gut feelings and our emotions then the
child in order to belong and fit in will
automatically unwittingly and
unconsciously suppress their emotions
and their connections to themselves for
the sake of staying connected to the
nurturing environment without which the
child cannot survive a lot of children
are in this dilemma can I feel and
express what I feel or do I have to
suppress that in order to be acceptable
to be a good kid to be a nice kid
the child pretty much entirely unable to
survive without social support learns to
prioritize attachment over authenticity
learning what our parents want from us
becomes an Adaptive survival response
one that we maintain as we grow up we
learn that to be inauthentic is to
survive here mate criticizes Peterson
who recommends punishing any outbursts
from the child through isolation and
Scorn teaching the child that any
negative emotion is to be repressed lest
they risk Severance from their loved
ones
as we grow older we may develop an
overly agreeable exoskeleton that
surpasses any need for setting
boundaries we may also begin to
internalize the aspirations of those
around us prioritizing external
validation over internal validation
better to believe it's my fault I'm bad
which lets you believe there's the
chance that if I work hard and be good I
will be lovable thus even the
debilitating belief in one's
unworthiness begins as a coping
mechanism
it becomes inconceivable that those
entrusted to care for us are
fundamentally bad as our survival
depends on them instead we must view
ourselves as inherently bad and thus it
is our job to become acceptable and
consequently loved
mate's observations Echo the thoughts of
Ernest Becker and tilik who on a much
broader scale argue that there exists
two ontological motives that creates an
existential paradox
the need to surrender oneself in full to
the rest of nature to become a part of
it by laying down one's whole existence
to some higher meaning and the need to
expand oneself as an individual heroic
personality we wish to be a part of
something larger to feel like we belong
and simultaneously we wish to be
ourselves to be authentic in our
uniqueness and specialness if we become
too much of an individual if we are too
much ourselves however we risk the
existential protection afforded To Us by
society and culture to stray too far is
to feel guilty
Becker notes that where religion has
historically offered a solution to such
a dilemma in which God loves us for who
we are and also for how so perfectly we
fit into his greater design we now seek
the solution in romantic relationships
ideally our partner loves us uniquely
for who we are and also for our
contribution to this thing larger than
both of us the relationship
in the words of Mazzy Star we strive to
fade into them
this of course places far too much of a
responsibility on the partner who
becomes the moral Arbiter of self-worth
resentment and disappointment soon
follow as neither can be fully
themselves all in the service of the
relationship neither can live up to such
romantic expectations
and the fact that romance is so heavily
prioritized by culture only further
underscores the risk of a breakup to be
alone is to be unworthy it's worth
wondering how much of culture is just
this a collection of fear-based beliefs
and adaptive survival identities trying
to fit in how much of our societal
systems is a collective pathology based
on unresolved survival responses
how do we break out of this how do we
strive to become authentic not in the
traditional sense of finding oneself
that characterizes so many
self-indulgent films but rather the
capacity to be both loved and to be
yourself how can we resolve this tension
as mate writes the onset of
inauthenticity may not be a choice but
with awareness and self-compassion
authenticity can be
in other words we must leave blame and
guilt behind our parents were not
operating in a bubble but were instead
influenced by their socio-cultural
environment stumbling in the dark and
trying their best in their own way blame
won't get us anywhere instead it is
important to recognize that our
personality traits seemingly so
ingrained and essential to who we are
May Simply Be outdated survival
mechanisms
it is sobering to realize that many of
the personality traits we have come to
believe are us and perhaps even take
pride in actually Bear the scars of
where we lost connection to ourselves
way back when
to be self-compassionate is to Grant an
offering to others because you know and
honor what you yourself feel that
entails genuinely listening to your gut
instincts and and consequently setting
boundaries it means sensing when we are
truly shaping our lives from a deep
knowledge of who we are it means
honoring that little boy or girl who was
told that what they felt was wrong or
inappropriate
simultaneously it means entering into
relationships where our partner accepts
and understands us for who we are
encouraging us to explore and
communicate our feelings rather than
simply Stow them away for the
appropriate day that will never actually
come
this is true love
people wanting what's best for each
other sincerely all while holding each
other accountable
as mate writes it is not only necessary
to leave blame and guilt behind on the
road to Healing to move from
self-accusation to curiosity from shame
to responsibility it is also and always
possible
find in our last observation that it
isn't such a lie that the only way you
can be truly loved is to truly be
yourself
[Music]
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