Crushes, Romantic Friendships & Boston Marriages

Summary

This script delves into the 19th-century concept of 'separate spheres' for men and women, leading to distinct homosocial environments. It explores the prevalence of 'crushes' among young women, viewed as innocent and beneficial for their development. The narrative shifts to 'romantic friendships,' intense, often sexual relationships between women, and 'Boston marriages,' long-term partnerships offering economic, professional, and emotional support. The script also touches on men's romantic friendships and the evolving societal and expert perspectives on these relationships, hinting at a forthcoming discussion on their implications.

Takeaways

• 🏛️ The concept of 'separate spheres' in the mid-19th century reinforced the division of labor between men and women, with men in the public sphere and women in the domestic sphere.
• 🤝 This ideology led to the normalization and idealization of same-sex relationships, as individuals of the same sex spent most of their time together.
• 💐 'Crushes' or 'smashes' were common among young women in the late 19th century, often involving affection between girls and viewed as innocent and temporary by adults.
• 🎓 During high school or college years, crushes were especially popular and could involve gift-giving and social invitations, further normalized by all-female dances at universities.
• 📜 The 1900 Vassar student newspaper poem illustrates the conflation of same-sex crushes with heterosexual ones, using similar expressions of love and desire.
• 📒 Mary Culver's diary entries from Vassar reveal adoration for both male and female friends, showing that expressions of affection were not limited to one gender.
• 💕 Romantic friendships were intense, loving relationships between two individuals that could include physical displays of affection and were common across class and racial boundaries.
• 🤝‍♀️ 'Boston marriages' were long-term committed relationships between two women, often involving friendship, professional partnership, and sometimes romantic love.
• 🏡 These relationships provided economic, professional, and emotional support, and were a common domestic arrangement for queer women in the past.
• 👥 Romantic friendships and Boston marriages were seen as more spiritual than physical, and men were also known to have such relationships without social stigma.
• ⚠️ By the late 19th century, experts began to warn about the potential sexual dangers of these relationships, associating them with homosexuality.

Q & A

What was the concept of 'separate spheres' in the mid-19th century America?

The concept of 'separate spheres' was an ideology that divided men's and women's labor as more natural. It suggested that men belonged in the public sphere for work, while women should stay at home to care for children, thus legitimizing the division between the roles of men and women.

How did the 'separate spheres' ideology influence the social environment of the time?

The 'separate spheres' ideology led to distinct homosocial environments where individuals of the same sex spent most of their time together. This resulted in American culture idealizing and normalizing same-sex relationships.

What were 'crushes' or 'smashes' in the late 19th century, and how were they viewed by adults?

'Crushes' or 'smashes' referred to the affection one girl had for another, common among young women, especially during their high school or college years. Adults viewed these as relatively harmless and innocent friendships that helped girls grow into more compassionate and kind women.

How did crushes manifest in the form of gifts and social events?

Crushes manifested through the bestowing of gifts such as flowers, candy, and poetry. They also involved social events like inviting the crush to college social functions, luncheons, sporting events, or dances, which further normalized these same-sex friendships.

What was the significance of the Freshman Frolic at Smith College?

The Freshman Frolic was a dance at Smith College where sophomores invited freshmen of their choice. It was a popular event that showcased the social dynamics and the practice of upperclassmen courting younger classmates, often through gift-giving and social engagements.

How did romantic friendships differ from crushes, and what were their characteristics?

Romantic friendships went beyond crushes to become mutual relationships between two individuals who were deeply devoted to each other. They involved writing romantic letters, describing each other as soul mates, and could include physical displays of affection, even though they were often described as largely spiritual or asexual.

What evidence is there of romantic friendships across class and racial boundaries?

Historians have found evidence of romantic friendships not only among white middle-class women but also across class and racial boundaries. For example, the relationship between Addie Brown, a domestic worker, and Rebecca Primus, a school teacher, is a documented case of a romantic friendship between two Black women.

What was the term 'Boston marriage' and what did it describe?

'Boston marriage' was a term coined in the late 19th and early 20th centuries to describe a long-term committed relationship between two women. These relationships often included elements of friendship, professional partnership, creative collaboration, and sometimes lesbian romance.

Why did some women choose not to marry during the late 19th century?

Some women chose not to marry to enjoy the freedom to pursue education and careers, especially when they had no other options. However, others may have chosen not to marry because they were not heterosexual, although they could not declare such identities due to the lack of modern terms like lesbian, bisexual, etc.

What were the advantages of 'Boston marriages' for the women involved?

Boston marriages provided economic advantages by allowing women to save money by living together, professional advantages through mutual encouragement and collaboration, and personal benefits such as emotional support, friendship, and romantic love.

How did societal and expert perspectives on crushes, romantic friendships, and Boston marriages change by the late 19th century?

By the late 19th century, experts on sex began to warn about the sexual dangers of crushes, romantic friendships, and Boston marriages, implying that these relationships tended to lead to or were examples of homosexuality, marking a shift in societal attitudes towards these relationships.

Outlines

00:00

🌐 The Emergence of Separate Spheres and Same-Sex Affection in the 19th Century

This paragraph discusses the 19th-century concept of 'separate spheres' which influenced middle-class Americans, legitimizing the division of labor between men and women. Men were expected to work in the public sphere, while women were to stay home and care for children. This ideology led to the separation of men and women into single-sex environments and the cultural acceptance of same-sex relationships as normal. The paragraph also explores the phenomenon of 'crushes' or 'smashes' among young women, which were viewed as innocent and temporary, helping them develop into compassionate women. Crushes often involved gift-giving and socializing at college events, such as all-female dances, which further normalized these relationships. The narrative includes examples from Vassar College and a poem from a 1900 student newspaper, illustrating the prevalence and acceptance of same-sex crushes.

05:01

💌 Romantic Friendships and the Complexity of Same-Sex Relationships

The second paragraph delves into 'romantic friendships,' which were more intense and mutual than crushes. These relationships often involved deep devotion, with partners describing each other as soul mates and exchanging romantic letters. Despite being described as largely spiritual or asexual, many of these relationships were in fact sexual. The paragraph provides examples of such relationships among white middle-class women and growing evidence of their existence across class and racial boundaries, including a passionate correspondence between two Black women, Addie Brown and Rebecca Primus. It also mentions that romantic friendships were common among men of the era, who were allowed to express love and physical affection openly. The paragraph concludes with the concept of 'Boston marriages,' long-term committed relationships between two women, which could encompass friendship, professional partnership, and romantic love.

10:01

🏡 Boston Marriages: The Practical and Emotional Benefits for Queer Women

The final paragraph examines 'Boston marriages,' a term used for long-term relationships between two women that could include economic, professional, and emotional benefits. It provides historical examples of such relationships, including those between Jane Addams and Mary Rozet Smith, and Mary Woolley and Jeanette Marks, highlighting the deep emotional connections and expressions of love in their correspondence. The paragraph also discusses the advantages of these arrangements, such as economic savings, professional collaboration, and personal support. It concludes with the story of Gail Laughlin and Dr. Mary Sperry, who lived in a Boston marriage for over 15 years, and whose wills and burial arrangements demonstrated their enduring love and commitment. The paragraph also notes the growing concern among sex experts about the potential sexual implications of crushes, romantic friendships, and Boston marriages, which will be further explored in subsequent lessons.

Keywords

💡Separate spheres

The concept of 'separate spheres' emerged in the mid-19th century, promoting the idea that men and women have distinct roles in society. Men were expected to work in the public sphere, while women were to care for the home and children. This ideology legitimized gender-based labor division and shaped middle-class American culture.

💡Homosocial environments

Homosocial environments refer to social spaces where individuals interact primarily with those of the same sex. In the context of the video, middle-class ideology of separate spheres led men and women to spend most of their time in such environments, fostering same-sex friendships and relationships.

💡Crushes

Crushes, also known as 'smashes' in the late 19th century, referred to the affectionate feelings one girl had for another. These were common among young women, particularly during their high school or college years. Adults viewed these relationships as harmless and a natural part of development towards heterosexual relationships.

💡Romantic friendships

Romantic friendships were intense, affectionate relationships between same-sex friends. These relationships often included emotional and physical displays of affection. While typically described as spiritual or asexual, many romantic friendships were indeed sexual. Such friendships were prevalent among middle-class women and men.

💡Boston marriages

Boston marriages were long-term, committed relationships between two women, often professional or creative collaborators. These relationships allowed women to pursue careers and education without the constraints of heterosexual marriage. They provided emotional support, economic benefits, and romantic companionship.

💡James Buchanan

James Buchanan, the 15th President of the United States, had a notable romantic friendship with William King, a Senator from Alabama. Although the sexual nature of their relationship is unknown due to destroyed letters, Buchanan described it as a deeply significant bond, highlighting how such relationships transcended mere friendship.

💡Mary Culver

Mary Culver was a student at Vassar College who documented her numerous crushes on both male and female friends in her diary. Her writings illustrate the intensity and frequency of same-sex crushes among young women in the early 20th century, providing personal insight into the culture of romantic friendships.

💡Addie Brown and Rebecca Primus

Addie Brown, a domestic worker, and Rebecca Primus, a school teacher, were two Black women who shared a romantic friendship. Their passionate letters to each other reveal a deep desire for closeness and love, demonstrating that romantic friendships transcended racial and class boundaries in the 19th century.

💡Jane Addams and Mary Rozet Smith

Jane Addams, founder of Chicago's Hull House, and Mary Rozet Smith shared a Boston marriage. Their letters and co-owned properties indicate a deeply intimate relationship. This example underscores how Boston marriages provided personal and professional support for women in the Progressive era.

💡Sexual dangers of romantic friendships

By the late 19th century, experts began to warn about the sexual dangers associated with crushes, romantic friendships, and Boston marriages. These relationships were increasingly seen as potential indicators of homosexuality, reflecting a shift in societal attitudes towards same-sex affection and intimacy.

Highlights

In the mid-19th century, the concept of separate spheres became influential among middle-class Americans, legitimizing the division of labor between men and women.

Men were expected to work in the public sphere, while women were to stay home and care for children, creating distinct homosocial environments.

American culture began to idealize and accept same-sex relationships as normal, including affectionate relationships between young women known as 'crushes' or 'smashes'.

Crushes were common among young women during high school or college years and were viewed as harmless and beneficial for personal growth.

Adults expected crushes to be temporary and to give way to more fulfilling heterosexual relationships.

Younger students often developed crushes on older students, expressing admiration through gifts and social invitations.

Universities had all-female dances that normalized crushes and same-sex friendships.

At Smith College, sophomores invited freshmen to the Freshman Frolic, a dance that involved traditional dating rituals.

At Vassar College, young women played the male part at dances, often dressing in pants and coats, challenging traditional gender roles.

Romantic friendships went beyond crushes, involving deep devotion, soul mate declarations, and physical affection.

Romantic friendships were common across class and racial boundaries, as evidenced by the relationship between Addie Brown and Rebecca Primus.

Romantic friendships sometimes continued even after individuals entered into heterosexual marriages.

Definitions of manliness in the 19th century allowed for men to openly express love and physical affection towards male friends without stigma.

The term 'Boston marriage' described long-term committed relationships between two women, often involving multiple facets of life such as friendship, professional partnership, and romantic love.

Boston marriages provided economic, professional, and emotional advantages, allowing women to live, work, and love freely.

By the late 19th century, experts began to warn about the potential dangers of crushes, romantic friendships, and Boston marriages, linking them to homosexuality.

Transcripts

In the mid-19th century, the idea of separate  spheres began to hold a powerful influence  

on middle-class Americans. This concept basically  legitimized that division between men's and  

women's labor as more natural. So they argued that  men went to work in the public sphere to work,  

while women should stay at home to care  for the children. So this middle-class  

ideology of separate spheres separated men and  women into distinct homosocial environments.  

So individuals of the same-sex spent the majority  of their time together and American culture began  

to kind of idealize these same-sex relationships  and really accept and sanction them as normal.

Let's look for example at the concept of crushes.  

Crushes or smashes as they were called in  the late 19th century, usually referred  

to the affection of one girl for another and they  were really common among young women at the time.  

they were especially popular during the  era of their high school or college years.  

They were viewed by adults as relatively harmless  relationships. These were innocent friendships  

that girls developed and it would help them grow  up to become more compassionate, kind women.  

These were believed to be temporary in the  stage of development of a young woman's life.  

In most cases, adults hope that they would give  away to these mature supposedly more fulfilling  

heterosexual relationships. What would happen is  a younger student would typically develop a crush  

on an older student and they would express her  admiration by bestowing gifts of flowers, candy,  

poetry upon her crush. The older student  then could reciprocate. They could  

invite the younger student to college social  functions. They could invite them to luncheons,  

sporting events, or dances. In fact, many  universities had all-female dances and these  

further normalized crushes and these friendships,  these same-sex friendships. Now sophomores for  

example at Smith College. They would invite the  freshmen of their choice to a dance known as the  

Freshman Frolic. It was really popular for the  upperclassmen to invite the younger classmen  

to the event. The sophomore would send her date  flowers, would pick her date up, would buy her  

dinner, would fill out her dance card, would get  her refreshments, and would walk her home. At  

Vassar College, young women played the male part  at dances and often dressed in pants and coats.  

So assuming that everybody was happy at  the end of the the date, they could even  

make arrangements for future dates and that  was expected. Just to show you how popular  

and common these were, this was a poem that was  printed in the 1900 Vassar student newspaper  

and it talked about the numerous Valentines  that a student had received. The poem went  

like this" "Kate's heart belongs to a Harvard man  and Jack's is given to Nell. The freshman's heart  

to her Senior friend and Helen's heart to Belle.  So this poem reveals not only the significance  

of the Valentine as a means of expressing one's  love to a crush but the conflation of same-sex  

crushes with crushes between men and women. Girls  frequently described their feelings for women  

using the same expressions of love and desire that  they use to describe their feelings toward men.  

Mary Culver attended Vassar from 1913 to 1917  and she filled her diary with descriptions of  

her daily life and multiple confessions of her  adorations for her male and female friends as  

well as her women teachers. During her senior year  of high school, she apparently had so many crushes  

that by April she determined to swear them  off completely noting "no more crushes for  

mine next year. I abhor them. I'm going to  be good and refrain and do away with them."  

But the following year, her freshman year at  Vassar, she was again writing about her crushes,  

"oh Ed is so nice so good-natured. He'd  make an ideal husband. He left today and  

I gave him a birthday present. He kissed me  goodbye." A month later she was singing the  

praises of the divine Henry Lodge with whom  she had five dances with the night before.  

So Culver also frequently described her  crushes for girls in similar adoring  

terms. A few days after beginning her  freshman year at Vassar on September 22nd  

she wrote, "oh I adore Agnes Rogers. I just hate  myself for being so foolish about her." Culver  

courted Agnes with candy and flowers and when  Agnes walked hand in hand with her to chapel,  

she gushed in her diary, "Agnes is a love."  The next day Culver was ecstatic to report,  

"this afternoon, I went for a ride with dear Agnes  by my side. Ye gods, so near. Tonight i danced  

with her and oh she is divine. She is, she is, she  is, I love her madly." A month later, Culver had  

moved on and was expressing her adoration for a  girl named Bertha and another named Rosa Wilson.  

She described these girls as pretty and cute  and hoped that they would love her in return.  

A scribbled note about an anonymous  crush in the back of her diary read,  

"She is divine. She has a disagreeable  face but when she smiles she is adorable  

and she smiles often. She speaks with a little  boy voice and says such cunning things and laughs  

and then just looks at you and holds your hand  in the dark. A very crushable kissable girl."  

Now, romantic friendships went beyond crushes  to become these mutual relationships between  

two individuals. Often this is where two  friends would crush on each other right  

and then they would become deeply devoted  to each other and they would express this.  

They would describe each other as soul mates. They  would write romantic flowery letters to each other  

and these were often intense and loving  relationships that could include physical  

displays of affection as well. Now although they  were typically described as largely spiritual  

or asexual relationships. The reality was is that  many of these relationships were actually sexual  

and romantic friendships that  could include kissing, caressing,  

bed sharing and declarations of enduring love.  So romantic friendships were common and there's  

lots of examples of these especially among white  women of the middle classes. But we've also found  

evidence of these and there's growing  examples coming out all the time by historians  

of romantic friendships across class and  racial boundaries. So for example there  

were two Black women - Addie Brown, a domestic  worker and Rebecca Primus, a school teacher.  

They formed a romantic relationship. Brown wrote  passionate letters describing her desire to be  

near Rebecca, "breathing the same air, with your  arm gently drawn around me my head reclining on  

your noble breast in perfect confidence and love.  I'll never be happy again unless i am near you."  

And Rebecca replied back saying, "I'll always love  you and you only." So these romantic friendships  

sometimes even continued after individuals married  and committed to heterosexual relationships.  

For example Sarah Butler Wister. She  wrote to Jeannie Field Musgrove she said,  

"I shall be alone entirely next week. I can give  you no idea how desperately I shall want you.  

Jeannie replied saying, "I love you and how  happy i have been. You are the joy of my life."  

So these romantic relationships again were quite  common. These friendships would continue into  

marriage but also they were common among men from  this time period as well. Especially again these  

middle class men and in fact men were allowed  at that time to openly declare their love for a  

male friend, to show their emotion without shame  or stigma, and even to show physical affection.  

If you look at old photographs from this era you  might be surprised to see men holding hands or  

embracing each other without any sense of shame.  So definitions of what was considered manly back  

then were far different from our modern ideas of  manliness. Romantic friendships were seen as more  

spiritual relationships than they were physical.  James Buchanan the 15th president of the United  

States himself was said to have enjoyed a romantic  friendship as a young man with an individual named  

William King a Senator from Alabama. Buchanan  referred to this relationship as a communion  

of central importance in his life and we don't  know whether there was any sexual component to  

the relationship. Because the letters between  the two men were burned by Buchanan's niece.  

But these relationships were again thought  to ascend beyond even that physical realm.

A Boston marriage was a term coined in  the late 19th and early 20th centuries to  

describe a pairing between two women who formed a  long-term committed relationship with one another.  

Boston marriages were often simultaneously  friendships, professional partnerships,  

creative collaborations and lesbian romances. The  traditional narrative teaches that these women  

chose not to marry in order to enjoy the freedom  to pursue an education and a career. Now this was  

no doubt the case especially for many women at  the time who didn't have any options any other  

way but to not marry in order to allow them to  pursue these these dreams. But it was also often  

the case that people would choose not to marry  because they just simply were not heterosexual.  

So our modern terms again lesbian, bisexual,  pansexual, asexual, or queer did not exist  

at the time so it was not possible for them  to declare those identities for themselves.  

However, it was possible for  them to choose not to marry.  

Society called them spinsters but they could  choose to move in with another single woman.  

So as you can imagine this was a common domestic  arrangement for queer women in the past.  

Take for example the story of Progressive reformer  Jane Adams and Mary Roset Smith. Adams was this  

founder of Chicago's Hull House and Smith was  an active club woman and a philanthropist. They  

lived, they traveled, they co-owned a summer home  together and their letters to each other reveal  

a deeply intimate and personal relationship.  In her May 26, 1902 letter, notice how Adams  

calls Roset Smith "My dearest" and look at this  line, "please give my love to the lady Eleanor  

and you must know dear how i long for you all the  time and especially during the last three weeks.  

There is reason in the habit of married folk  keeping together. Forever yours." Another  

example comes from Mary Woolley and Jeanette Marks  . They were a Progressive-era couple who lived in  

a Boston marriage together. They met at Wellesley  College and they became close friends and their  

letters reveal a deep love for each other as  well. Take a look at this one from July 9th, 1900.  

"I have put my life into your hands dearest for  the great overpowering love of which I had never  

dreamed before has come to me and nothing can  ever separate us. My other and better self..  

Darling you must realize that I am with you, that  my love is about you, that i am thinking of you,  

that i love you as no one else in the world can  love you. That you are my love the sweetest woman  

in the world. I told you well that I felt always  like lavishing my love upon you. I do now even on  

cold and sympathetic paper. I feel that I cannot  say again and again what you have heard so often,  

what you know so well. It comforts me at this  evening hour when my longing for you is so great."

A final example of a Boston marriage comes  from California and it actually comes from  

my own research on Progressive  Era women and Boston marriages.  

Gail lLughlin was an attorney and Dr. Mary  Sperry was a physician and they were both  

reformers and suffragists who lived together  in a Boston marriage for over 15 years.  

Laughlin was an organizer for the women's  suffrage movement in the state and for the  

national suffrage campaign. Dr. Serry worked  to provide medical care to women and children.  

So when Dr. Sperry died suddenly in the influenza  epidemic of 1919, we have an opportunity through  

her will to see the love and devotion that  they had for each other. Sperry not only  

passed on all of her property to Laughlin, but  she also passed on her ashes, her bodily remains,  

much to the shock of her family, Sperry  insisted that everything go to Laughlin.  

This of course upset them but Laughlin held onto  her partner's property and her partner's ashes  

and was obviously devastated by the loss of  her partner. sS when she passed away in 1952,  

so this is decades later, she requested in her  will that the two of them be buried together,  

side by side with their names etched on a single  headstone. That's what this photo is here.  

So you can see how intense these  relationships were between these women.  

Boston marriages obviously provided a number  of advantages. Economically two women could  

save money by living together. Professionally  they could encourage, inspire, and collaborate  

with each other on a number of reform efforts and  personally they could provide emotional support,  

friendship and romantic love for each other.  

By the late 19th century, experts on sex began  to warn about the sexual dangers of crushes,  

romantic friendships, and Boston marriages,  implying that all of these tended to lead to or  

were examples of homosexuality so we'll discuss  this development more in our next lesson.