The Power of Self-Awareness | William L. Sparks | TEDxAsheville
Summary
TLDRWill Sparks shares a transformative experience with Dr. Jerry B. Harvey that deepened his understanding of self-awareness. Sparks emphasizes that true self-awareness involves confronting one's 'shadow'—the darker, less acknowledged aspects of oneself. He argues that embracing this shadow is essential for personal growth and transformation, challenging the culture that focuses solely on strengths. Sparks reflects on the importance of constructive feedback and the courage it takes to face one's imperfections, ultimately leading to liberation and enlightenment.
Takeaways
- 🔍 Self-awareness is critical for personal effectiveness and potential, as well as for connecting and collaborating with others.
- 🌟 Our culture often narrowly defines self-awareness as knowing and playing to our strengths, but it's only half the equation.
- 🌑 True self-awareness also involves understanding one's 'darkness' or weaknesses, not just the 'light' or strengths.
- 📚 Dr. Jerry B. Harvey introduced the concept of the 'shadow', highlighting the importance of recognizing and dealing with one's darker aspects.
- 🎓 The speaker's experience with Dr. Harvey was a turning point, demonstrating the power of confronting one's shortcomings and the discomfort of true self-awareness.
- 📝 The speaker's initial arrogance and ego were challenged by Dr. Harvey, leading to a deeper understanding of self and the dysfunction in his failed marriage.
- 🤔 Acknowledging one's role in personal failures is difficult but necessary for growth, as the speaker eventually realized Dr. Harvey was right about his contribution to his marriage's problems.
- 💬 Constructive feedback, even when it's uncomfortable, is essential for personal development and should be given without fear of the recipient's reaction.
- 🛤️ Personal transformation requires the courage to face one's shadow, embracing both the positive and negative aspects of oneself.
- 🚫 Avoiding self-awareness by staying in the 'shallow end' of only recognizing strengths prevents the deep, disruptive growth that comes from confronting one's weaknesses.
- ❓ The speaker challenges the audience to reflect on their own 'F in life' story, encouraging them to acknowledge and embrace their shortcomings for true enlightenment and growth.
Q & A
What is the main theme of Will Sparks' talk?
-The main theme of Will Sparks' talk is the power of self-awareness, emphasizing its importance for personal growth, emotional management, and effective collaboration with others.
Why does Will Sparks believe that self-awareness is critical for personal effectiveness and potential?
-Will Sparks believes self-awareness is critical because it helps individuals manage their emotions, triggers, and connect effectively with others, which are essential for reaching one's highest potential.
What does Will Sparks criticize about the current culture's understanding of self-awareness?
-Will Sparks criticizes the culture for narrowly defining self-awareness in terms of only recognizing and celebrating one's strengths, which he argues is only half of the equation.
What concept did Dr. Jerry B. Harvey introduce to Will Sparks that had a profound impact on his self-awareness?
-Dr. Jerry B. Harvey introduced Will Sparks to Carl Jung's concept of the 'shadow,' which represents the darker, less acknowledged aspects of one's personality.
What was the subject of Will Sparks' final paper in his first class with Dr. Harvey?
-Will Sparks wrote his final paper on the dysfunction of codependency in his failed marriage, from his own perspective.
How did Dr. Harvey's feedback during their one-on-one meeting initially make Will Sparks feel?
-Dr. Harvey's feedback initially made Will Sparks feel deflated, embarrassed, and as if he had been punched in the stomach.
What grade did Will Sparks receive on his paper, and what was Dr. Harvey's critique of his life?
-Will Sparks received an A on his paper, but Dr. Harvey gave him an 'F' in life, pointing out his role in creating the dysfunction in his marriage.
What was the turning point for Will Sparks in his understanding of self-awareness?
-The turning point for Will Sparks was when he admitted to himself that Dr. Harvey was right about his shortcomings, leading to a sense of liberation and the beginning of true self-awareness.
What are the three takeaways from Will Sparks' experience that he believes can be applied by others?
-The three takeaways are: 1) True self-awareness can be painful but is necessary for growth, 2) There is a moral obligation to give constructive feedback to others, and 3) Personal transformation requires facing and embracing one's 'shadow' or darker aspects.
How does Will Sparks define 'shadow' in the context of self-awareness?
-In the context of self-awareness, Will Sparks defines 'shadow' as the darker, less acknowledged aspects of one's personality that need to be faced and embraced for true personal growth.
What does Will Sparks suggest is the consequence of not facing and embracing one's 'shadow'?
-Will Sparks suggests that not facing and embracing one's 'shadow' can lead to a lack of personal growth and transformation, as well as a continued state of self-deception and avoidance of self-awareness.
Outlines
😌 The Power of Self-Awareness and the Shadow
Will Sparks introduces the concept of self-awareness, emphasizing its importance for personal growth and effective interaction with others. He critiques the modern narrow definition of self-awareness that focuses solely on recognizing one's strengths. Sparks recounts an influential experience with Dr. Jerry B. Harvey, who introduced him to Carl Jung's concept of the 'shadow' during his graduate studies. Sparks' arrogance and personal challenges, including a divorce, are highlighted, setting the stage for a transformative learning experience.
😳 A Profound Encounter with Constructive Criticism
Sparks describes a pivotal interaction with Dr. Harvey, who challenges him to look beyond his academic work and personal narrative about his divorce. Dr. Harvey's unfiltered feedback forces Sparks to confront his own role in the marital dysfunction, offering a grade of 'B-' on Sparks' self-assessment and an 'A' on his paper. The experience is a humbling one, as Sparks grapples with the realization that his perception of himself and his situation may be skewed.
😡 Facing the Shadow: A Personal and Professional Wake-Up Call
Dr. Harvey confronts Sparks with the harsh truth of his personal shortcomings, giving him an 'F' in life and accusing him of creating the dysfunction in his marriage. He criticizes Sparks' manipulative tendencies and inability to accept responsibility. Despite the emotional turmoil, Sparks eventually acknowledges the truth in Dr. Harvey's words, leading to a moment of self-realization and the beginning of personal transformation.
🌟 Embracing the Shadow for True Growth
Sparks concludes by sharing three key takeaways from his experience with Dr. Harvey: the necessity of embracing discomfort for true self-awareness, the moral obligation to provide constructive feedback, and the importance of facing one's shadow for personal transformation. He encourages the audience to confront their own 'F in life' stories, suggesting that acknowledging and embracing one's darker aspects can lead to liberation and enlightenment.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Self-awareness
💡Strengths
💡Shadow
💡Codependency
💡Abilene Paradox
💡Constructive Feedback
💡Transformation
💡Ego
💡Personal Growth
💡Courage
💡Liberation
Highlights
The power of self-awareness is critical for personal effectiveness and potential.
Self-awareness is foundational in connecting with others and managing emotions.
Our culture has narrowly defined self-awareness, focusing only on strengths.
Knowing your strengths is only half of the self-awareness equation.
Understanding one's 'darkness' is as important as celebrating one's 'light'.
The speaker's transformative experience with Dr. Jerry B. Harvey.
Dr. Harvey's introduction of Carl Jung's concept of the 'shadow'.
The Abilene Paradox as a metaphor for self-censorship in organizations.
The speaker's initial arrogance and subsequent humbling by Dr. Harvey.
The importance of acknowledging and confronting one's role in failures.
Dr. Harvey's unorthodox feedback method to provoke self-reflection.
The speaker's realization of his own contributions to his failed marriage.
The moral obligation to provide constructive feedback to others.
Personal transformation requires facing and embracing one's shadow.
The experience of liberation after acknowledging one's faults.
The challenge to the audience to confront their own 'F in life' story.
The call to courage in facing one's imperfections for true growth.
Transcripts
my name is will sparks and I want to
talk to you about the power of
self-awareness
I believe that self-awareness is
critical for not only reaching our
highest personal effectiveness in
reaching our highest potential it's also
critical in the way we connect with
others the way we're able to collaborate
manage our emotions manage our triggers
self-awareness is foundational I believe
for reaching our highest potential
unfortunately I believe our culture has
narrowly defined self-awareness today to
talk about it in only terms of your
strengths know your strengths play to
your strengths we live in what I call a
strength finders culture everyone gets a
trophy and that's an important part of
the self-awareness equation but knowing
your strengths is only half of that
equation it's only half if you're going
to celebrate your light you have to also
understand the darkness your darkness my
darkness so what I want to talk to you
about this evening is an experience that
I had twenty-two years ago at the hands
of the late dr. Jerry B Harvey during my
graduate studies when he not only
dramatically increased my self-awareness
he introduced me to call Young's concept
of the shadow in 1996 I started the
doctoral program at George Washington in
organizational behavior and development
and I was going to study under dr. Jerry
Harvey those of you some of you may know
his classic movie and article the
Abilene paradox the Abilene paradox is
essentially a kind of follow-the-leader
syndrome we get into in business
organizations everyone nods in agreement
with the leader I'm sure you all can
relate to that
and we self-censor what we really think
and what we really want to say and Jerry
said we would get on the road to Abilene
following the leader it's grounded in
classic codependency dysfunctional so I
was thrilled to be going moving up to
the big city of Washington DC studying
under the great dr. Jerry Harvey his
books were the textbooks and my master's
program I just finished my masters in
organizational psychology I was beyond
excited I was 27 I was arrogant brash
full of ego ready to take on the world
there was one small problem there was a
fly in the ointment and that was I was
going through a divorce but my friends
and family had assured me that what
doesn't kill you makes you stronger I'm
gonna compartmentalize this get through
it and I'll go on to hopefully do great
things
so my very first class in that program
was with dr. Harvey and I decided to
write my final paper on the dysfunction
of codependency in my failed marriage
from my perspective so I wrote this
paper I turned it in the last the last
class he handed out the grades is one of
these classes where you had to sit in a
circle I hated that class because
there's nowhere to hide and now I teach
those classes but at the time I hated it
and so he's handed out the final grades
and dr. Harvey started with the person
directly to my right and he went around
the circle handing everyone their final
grade and he got to me and I'm looking
up at dr. Harvey and he's staring down
at me and in front of the entire class
he says son you're going to need to come
to see me for your grade and the class
winced I mean you could hear this ooh
not good so the next day his office hour
started at 4:00 p.m. I was there at 358
and I knocked on his door and dr. Harvey
who referred to himself as a
bible-thumping Southern Baptist was
reading the Bible
without even looking up he just pointed
at the chair across from his desk and I
took the took my seat nervous anxious
ready for the bad news to be to be
candid when he literally finished
chapter and verse he turned to me and
said William son what are we here to
talk about and I said well dr. Harvey
I'm here to talk about my paper and he
said nope let's try this again
son what are we really here to talk
about and in my is called young calls it
the fog of illusion my 27 year old ego I
thought hmm I suspect professor Harvey
would like my feedback on his class it's
a wrong answer but I gave it and it both
irritated and amused him but mostly
irritated him and I'll give you the
pg-rated version of what he said back he
says essentially said son let me be
really clear with you I don't give a
damn about your experience in my class
or your feedback I'm going to ask you
one more time however before I fail you
from this class son what are we here to
talk about with that I thought well at
this point I have nothing left to lose I
might as well take my medicine get out
of here and go back to Charlotte North
Carolina
so feeling deflated I said well dr.
Harvey I guess we're here to talk about
my divorce and a little slag ran crossed
his mouth and he said I'll give you a
b-minus on that answer because son we're
here to talk about you and he held that
stare and that point for just a second
too long and I remember thinking this is
going to hurt and it did I won't bore
you with all of the details but
essentially he said tell me how this all
happened and I gave
the version from my perspective we were
both from a small town we had been high
school sweethearts we had started out as
equal partners going to take on the
world and little by little this
dysfunction of codependency took root in
our marriage I felt like I was
responsible for everything making all of
the decisions I wanted an equal partner
I wanted someone to push me to challenge
me and all of that eroded and over the
years that we were together it unraveled
in this classic dysfunction he nodded in
agreement with some of the things I said
he winced in agony with others but after
I had finished he said well son let's
end the suspense I've got good news and
bad news for you the good news is you
made an A on your paper and based on the
amount of red ink on that paper that
really surprised me because it looked
like his pen had exploded all over that
paper but I let that sink in I made an A
on my first paper with dr. Harvey in my
first class and that 27 year old ego and
shadow kicked in so he began to give me
some compliments about it's one thing to
know a subject but you have actually
emoted on it you've you feel the emotion
of it and you've cited all of these
sources you've gone back to the Greek
philosophers you've got Freud you've got
young you've got Frankel William one day
you can teach this and he continues to
give me accolades and this is probably
one of the most embarrassing parts of
the story if there is a most
embarrassing as he's giving me these
accolades my shadow comes right over me
and I began looking at his office
remembering the rumor I heard when I
first started the program dr. Harvey was
getting close to retirement
and he was looking for his successor
and the Dean had agreed that dr. Harvey
could pick one of his given his clout in
the field and I thought this is it
this is why I'm called into his office
it would be too painful for the rest of
the class most of which were much older
than me and had been in the program
longer to hear all of these acolytes
they've just be too hard for them and I
have literally looking out of his window
going to blocks aways the White House
you've got the quad right here I would
probably change the paint but overall it
feels good it fits and of course he's
setting me up and he sees that and right
when he's got me where he wants me he
clears his voice hmm I think to regain
my attention and focus he said but son
if you will recall I did say I had some
bad news and as I had been glancing
through my paper as he was giving me
feedback I noticed that at the very end
of the paper
he cited call young and I just glanced
at it thinking hey yeah that's right I'm
I'm now colleagues with Jerry he's just
appointed me and pretty soon it's good
old Carl he said let me remind you
though that I do have bad news and the
bad news is I'm gonna give you an F in
life dr. Harvey was a social
psychologist and he said son I agree
with you your ex-wife is codependent
that's highly dysfunctional your
assessment is accurate there's only one
thing worse and it's you you created
this dysfunction and you have the
audacity to come into my office and try
to manipulate me into colluding with you
that's for your family and friends to
tell you everything's going to be okay
my job is to hold up the mirror and show
you what you've done
he said play with me for just a moment
that's what he said play with me for
just
I bet that you had to have the last word
in every argument check I bet you gave
unwanted and unsolicited advice check
and he said I bet when you had an
argument you were always right which
makes her always wrong check and now you
expect me to feel sorry for you I don't
feel sorry for her and he said while
we've got this time together
let me give you just a little more
feedback and at this point I thought why
not you know bring it
I was deflated I probably had turned
white or green I literally remember
feeling like had been punched in the
stomach
he said I feel like I owe you one little
bit more of feedback son I don't think
you're going to graduate from this
program he said you've got a South
Carolina chip on your shoulder that's
going to make it virtually impossible
for you to absorb the kind of feedback I
plan to give you so I don't think you're
gonna get through past me was this quote
he said but I promise you this for
however long you're in this program if
you'll take that time and figure out why
the hell you had to do that to her
you'll get your money's worth out of the
program and do the rest of the world a
great big favor
whether you graduate or not and then he
turned his back and he opened back up
the Bible and began reading that's how
was dismissed and as I walked out of his
office just for good measure he began
humming Amazing Grace
so that night guess what I do call my
friends they meet me at a bar in
Northern Virginia we have more than a
fair share to drink they collude with me
they do exactly what I need them to do
we agreed that the great dr. Harvey
turned out to be the great hypocrite to
claim to be religious to claim to want
you to be vulnerable so he can help and
when you are too poor metaphorical salt
in the wound like he did was not only
unprofessional it was unethical it was
immoral everyone rallied around me what
a jerk
moved back to Charlotte thank goodness
you only spent the money for one
semester and not all the way through the
program you know yes it's an expense but
it could have been a lot more expensive
and I was going to move back to
Charlotte the next morning I woke up a
little bit later than normal with some
bloodshot eyes staring back at me and
out loud I literally said he's right
even when my friends were colluding with
me like I wanted them to at the bar I
knew there was something gnawing at me
that would not let me go he was right
not only did I admit that I realized
that he knew me better in three and a
half months than I knew myself that was
a defining inflection point for me and
that conversation stayed with me to this
day I still experience emotion telling
it dr. Harvey passed away in August of
2015 and he and I corresponded
frequently and I told him about this
article that is now a version of this
talk that I was publishing and also a
chapter for a book and how much I
appreciated the greatest gift anyone had
given me and he wrote me back actually
his wife had to type the email but it
was classic dr. Harvey he said William
for God's sake
I would hope by now you would know I
take no credit for any growth you've may
experience during your time with me nor
any blame for future regression
I believe that from this experience
there are three takeaways that I think
that we can all apply going forward and
the first is the recognition that the
kind of self-awareness I'm talking about
true self-awareness hurts it does not
comfort it disturbs and it disrupts and
that's why we avoid it that's why we
stay in the shallow end of the validate
me play to my strengths self-awareness
pool but if you truly want to grow and
develop and enhance your self-awareness
I believe you have to be willing to go
to the deep end so it does discomfort
and disrupt but it's in that disruption
that we're afforded an opportunity for
true growth and development the second
takeaway that I have from this
conversation that I try to apply is that
we have a moral obligation I believe to
give constructive developmental feedback
to those in our lives and so often and
I'm guilty of doing this too we don't we
sugarcoat the truth or we avoid it
outright we don't want to see that
person for reaction they won't be able
to handle that they're going to get
angry at me we have all of these excuses
to self-censor
the feedback that could be their f and
life story and a turning point for them
so I actually believe we have a moral
obligation to provide constructive
feedback to others and not care a little
bit less about how they react to it and
care a little bit more about this
obligation that we have the third
takeaway I have from this I believe that
personal transformation transformation
not incremental improvement but
transformation can only occur when we
have the courage to face our own shadow
to look at the dark as well as the light
and to see ourselves for who we really
are because when we do that even though
it was excruciating and very painful
that morning that I said out loud he's
right in addition to the sadness and the
guilt I also felt an incredible sense of
liberation to loosely quote call young
we don't become enlightened by trying to
be perfect many of us have been
socialized to believe that sit up
straight
be a good boy or a good girl make good
grades and that's important but it's
when we have the courage to acknowledge
and embrace that darkness that other
side I think is where true growth is
available to us so I'll close with this
question for you
we all have an F in life story on some
level what is your f in life have you
acknowledged it have you embraced it or
are you still hiding behind it hiding
behind your shadow trying to be perfect
what will be available to you when you
do have that courage to face it and to
embrace it
thank you
you
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