The Self-Absorbed Partner, Video Two

Summary

In this video, Ellen Bader delves into the challenges of working with self-absorbed partners in couples therapy. She outlines the characteristics of such individuals, their impact on relationships, and the difficulties they pose to therapists. Bader offers insights into understanding these partners better and provides a practical intervention tool—the Engagement Continuum—to help therapists and clients identify areas for growth and track progress. The video is part of a series aimed at equipping therapists with strategies to navigate the complexities of therapy with self-absorbed clients.

Takeaways

• 🧐 Self-absorbed individuals can be challenging therapy clients, especially in couples therapy where their behavior can lead to relationship deterioration.
• 👥 The speaker, Ellen Boehner, discusses the dynamics of self-absorbed partners in couples therapy, highlighting their tendency to focus on their own needs over their partner's.
• 🕵️‍♂️ Self-absorbed partners often believe their current activities are the most important, which can lead to neglect of family responsibilities and contribute to marital issues.
• 🛌 An example provided is of John, who prioritizes his photography hobby and sleep over family duties, despite his wife Mary being the primary financial supporter.
• 🤔 Self-absorbed partners struggle with 'other-differentiation', meaning they have difficulty understanding and empathizing with their partner's experiences, desires, and concerns.
• 🔄 Differentiation is described as a key concept for understanding and addressing issues in couples therapy, involving the balance between self-expression and understanding of the partner.
• 🚫 Self-absorbed partners can be resistant to change, making therapy progress slow and sometimes causing therapists to struggle with maintaining a productive approach.
• 🤝 The 'I-Thou' concept by Martin Buber is used to illustrate the difference between self-centered (I-It) and mutual (I-Thou) relationship attitudes.
• 📉 Therapists may find it difficult to directly name the problem of self-absorption due to the potential for defensive reactions and the need to maintain a therapeutic alliance.
• 💢 Countertransference can be a significant issue when working with self-absorbed clients, as therapists may experience strong negative emotions such as frustration or disdain.
• 🔄 Ellen introduces an 'engagement continuum' as a tool to help clients identify their current level of engagement in the relationship and set goals for improvement.

Q & A

What is the main challenge therapists face when dealing with self-absorbed partners in couples therapy?

Therapists often find it difficult to work with self-absorbed partners because they create problems for their spouses, are resistant to change, and can make the therapeutic process challenging due to their lack of empathy and unwillingness to consider the needs of their partners.

Why do self-absorbed partners often struggle with relationships?

Self-absorbed partners struggle with relationships because they prioritize their own needs and desires over those of their partners, leading to a lack of mutual support and understanding. They often lack the capacity for other-differentiation, which is the ability to genuinely understand and empathize with their partner's experiences.

What is the significance of the 'I-It' and 'I-Thou' concepts in understanding self-absorbed partners?

The 'I-It' concept refers to a relationship where one partner uses the other primarily for personal need gratification, while the 'I-Thou' represents a relationship of mutual dialogue and collaboration. Self-absorbed partners often operate from an 'I-It' orientation, focusing on their own egocentric needs without reciprocating the same level of understanding and support to their partners.

What is the role of differentiation in the context of couples therapy?

Differentiation is the process by which an individual defines themselves, expresses their own thoughts, feelings, wishes, and desires, and manages their own anxiety. It is crucial in couples therapy as it helps individuals maintain clear boundaries, express themselves authentically, and engage in a healthy, reciprocal relationship.

How can therapists identify self-absorbed partners in therapy sessions?

Therapists can identify self-absorbed partners by observing their lack of initiative in compliments, minimization of their spouse's efforts, and their tendency to focus on their own needs. They often show difficulty in delaying gratification and have a limited understanding of their partner's world.

What is the impact of self-absorbed partners on the therapeutic process?

Self-absorbed partners can slow down the therapeutic process due to their resistance to change, difficulty in empathizing with their partners, and their tendency to threaten to quit therapy. This can lead to therapists feeling frustrated and challenged in facilitating growth and change.

Why is it difficult to name the problem of self-absorption directly with self-absorbed partners?

Naming the problem of self-absorption directly is difficult because self-absorbed partners are often sensitive to being made wrong and may react defensively. It requires a careful approach that allows them to save face while acknowledging their limitations.

How can therapists manage their countertransference when working with self-absorbed partners?

Therapists can manage their countertransference by being aware of their own feelings of frustration, helplessness, or disdain, and by finding constructive ways to address these feelings. This may involve self-reflection, seeking supervision, or using specific therapeutic techniques to maintain a professional and empathetic stance.

What strategies can therapists use to help self-absorbed partners develop other-differentiation?

Therapists can use strategies such as the engagement continuum, which helps partners identify their current level of engagement and where they would like to be. This can encourage self-absorbed partners to develop curiosity about their partner's experiences, learn to delay gratification, and express empathy and nurturing behaviors.

How can therapists track progress with self-absorbed partners in therapy?

Therapists can track progress by using tools like the engagement continuum, which provides a visual representation of the partner's current state and desired state. This helps in identifying clear steps towards growth and change, even when progress is slow.

What is the final piece of advice that Ellen Bader gives to therapists working with self-absorbed partners?

Ellen Bader advises therapists to join the conversation by sharing their own strategies that have worked or haven't worked when dealing with self-absorbed partners. This collaborative approach can help therapists learn from each other's experiences and find more effective methods for facilitating change.