ADHD and Relationships: Let's Be Honest

Summary

This video script delves into the impact of ADHD on relationships, highlighting the often-overlooked issue of inattention leading to boredom. It explains the role of dopamine in ADHD and how it affects focus on rewarding activities. The speaker shares personal experiences and suggests honesty as a key to overcoming the challenges of ADHD in relationships, advocating for authenticity and open communication to foster deeper connections beyond the initial dopamine rush.

Takeaways

• 💡 ADHD affects relationships in various ways, including impulsivity, hyperactivity, time and money management, and forgetfulness.
• 🔖 The speaker is invested in using reminders, such as post-it notes, to cope with forgetfulness due to ADHD.
• 🧠 ADHD individuals often struggle with sustaining attention on unrewarding tasks due to fewer dopamine receptors in their brains.
• 💡 The ADHD brain is particularly good at focusing on things that are personally interesting, challenging, new, or under a tight deadline.
• 💑 At the start of a relationship, the novelty and personal interest can keep an ADHD individual highly focused, but this can fade over time.
• 🚶‍♂️ As relationships become less stimulating, ADHD individuals may shift focus elsewhere, leading to potential issues like withdrawal or seeking new excitement.
• 💔 The non-ADHD partner may feel neglected or unloved when the ADHD partner's attention wanes, which can be damaging to the relationship.
• 🔄 Common behaviors in ADHD relationships include jumping from one relationship to another, pretending relationships are perfect, and seeking new experiences to maintain dopamine levels.
• 💭 Honesty is presented as a key solution to the challenges in ADHD relationships, including being honest about one's needs, deal breakers, and the current state of the relationship.
• 🌟 Authenticity in relationships can lead to a more interesting, challenging, and evolving dynamic, which can be more rewarding than seeking constant novelty.
• 🎯 Engaging in personal projects and interests outside of the relationship can be a healthy way to manage ADHD symptoms and maintain a balanced life.

Q & A

What is the main topic discussed in the video script?

The main topic discussed in the video script is the impact of ADHD on relationships, focusing on how ADHD can lead to boredom and affect the dynamics of a relationship.

What is the role of dopamine in ADHD and relationships?

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that plays a key role in the brain's reward system. In individuals with ADHD, there are fewer dopamine receptors, leading to a need for more dopamine to feel the same effects. This can affect relationships as the ADHD brain seeks activities that increase dopamine levels, such as new or challenging experiences.

What are the four things that the ADHD brain tends to focus on according to the script?

The four things the ADHD brain tends to focus on are: 1) things of personal interest, 2) challenging tasks, 3) new or novel experiences, and 4) tasks with a tight deadline.

Why might the initial excitement in a relationship fade for someone with ADHD?

The initial excitement in a relationship may fade for someone with ADHD because as the relationship becomes more routine and less stimulating, the focus shifts to other activities that can increase dopamine levels.

How can the non-ADHD partner feel when the ADHD partner's attention shifts away from the relationship?

The non-ADHD partner may feel neglected or unloved when the ADHD partner's attention shifts away from the relationship, as they may interpret the change as a lack of interest or affection.

What are some behaviors that individuals with ADHD might exhibit in relationships to maintain a dopamine high?

Some behaviors include getting involved with new partners, moving from relationship to relationship, pretending that the relationship is perfect, criticizing the partner, cheating, lying, and rushing to the next level of the relationship.

What is the suggested solution to break the cycle of seeking a dopamine high in relationships for individuals with ADHD?

The suggested solution is honesty. Being honest with oneself and the partner about desires, needs, and the state of the relationship can help break the cycle and lead to a more genuine and fulfilling connection.

How can honesty improve the dynamics of a relationship for someone with ADHD?

Honesty can make the relationship more interesting, challenging, and fresh, as it allows for genuine interactions and the continuous reinvention of the relationship, leading to a deeper and more exciting connection.

What are some alternative ways for individuals with ADHD to find excitement and dopamine boosts outside of relationships?

Alternative ways include engaging in personal projects such as making a video game, starting a YouTube channel, traveling, or giving TedTalks.

Why is it important for the ADHD partner to communicate their focus on projects to their partner?

It is important to communicate this focus to ensure the partner understands that the ADHD individual's attention on a project is not a sign of a lack of love or interest in the relationship, but a normal part of having ADHD.

What is the speaker's intention for future videos on this topic?

The speaker intends to tackle a variety of other issues that arise in ADHD relationships in future videos, and encourages viewers to leave comments with questions or topics they would like addressed.

Outlines

00:00

💞 ADHD and Relationships: The Dopamine Connection

This paragraph discusses the impact of ADHD on relationships, particularly focusing on the aspect of inattention that leads to boredom. The speaker acknowledges the abundance of advice available on managing ADHD in relationships but points out a less-discussed issue: the tendency for individuals with ADHD to get easily bored, which can be damaging to relationships. The explanation delves into the role of dopamine, a neurotransmitter linked to the brain's reward system. People with ADHD have fewer dopamine receptors, leading to a constant search for stimuli that trigger dopamine release, such as personal interests, challenges, novelty, and tight deadlines. The speaker shares personal experiences and suggests that the initial excitement in a relationship can wane as it becomes less stimulating, causing individuals with ADHD to seek other sources of dopamine, which can result in various negative behaviors such as infidelity or lying. The paragraph concludes with the suggestion of honesty as a potential solution to break the cycle of seeking dopamine highs through relationships.

05:04

🌟 Embracing Honesty and Real Connections in ADHD Relationships

The second paragraph continues the discussion on ADHD and relationships, emphasizing the importance of honesty in maintaining a healthy and fulfilling partnership. The speaker suggests that by being honest with oneself and one's partner about desires, needs, and deal breakers, individuals can foster a more genuine and less superficial relationship. This approach can lead to more interesting, challenging, and evolving dynamics within the relationship. The speaker also touches on the idea that once the initial 'dopamine high' of a new relationship subsides, it's crucial to find other sources of excitement and fulfillment outside of the relationship, such as personal projects or hobbies. The paragraph ends with a reminder to viewers to engage with the content by asking questions or suggesting topics for future videos, and the speaker wishes everyone a Happy Valentine's Day, encouraging them to find and cherish true love.

Keywords

💡ADHD

ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. In the video, ADHD is the central theme, as it affects the dynamics and sustainability of relationships. The script discusses how ADHD impacts attention span and the ability to maintain interest in activities or relationships over time.

💡Dopamine

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter associated with the brain's reward system, responsible for feelings of pleasure and satisfaction. The script explains that individuals with ADHD often have fewer dopamine receptors, leading to a constant 'seeking' behavior for activities that trigger dopamine release. This concept is crucial in understanding the ADHD-related behaviors in relationships.

💡Inattention

Inattention in the context of ADHD refers to difficulty maintaining focus on tasks or activities that do not provide immediate rewards or stimulation. The video script highlights how inattention can lead to boredom in relationships, as the novelty wears off and the brain seeks new stimuli to maintain interest.

💡Relationships

Relationships are the core subject of the video, with a focus on how ADHD can influence their development and sustainability. The script discusses various ways ADHD can affect relationships, such as through impulsivity, forgetfulness, and the pursuit of novelty, which can lead to issues like infidelity or dissatisfaction.

💡Boredom

Boredom is a state of being weary or uninterested in one's current activity. In the script, it is mentioned as a significant issue for individuals with ADHD in relationships, as they may lose interest in activities or partners that were once highly engaging due to the lack of sustained dopamine stimulation.

💡Impulsivity

Impulsivity is the tendency to act without forethought or consideration of consequences. The video script touches on impulsivity in the context of ADHD, suggesting that it can lead to hasty decisions in relationships, such as jumping into new relationships or making significant commitments too quickly.

💡Hyperfocus

Hyperfocus is an intense concentration on a single task or interest to the exclusion of all else. The script mentions that individuals with ADHD may hyperfocus on projects or interests, which can lead to periods of intense productivity but also cause misunderstandings in relationships if not managed properly.

💡Honesty

Honesty is presented as a key solution in the script for managing ADHD in relationships. It involves being truthful with oneself and one's partner about desires, needs, and the state of the relationship. The video emphasizes the importance of honesty in maintaining a healthy and sustainable relationship dynamic.

💡Dopamine-seeking

The term 'dopamine-seeking' in the script refers to the behavior of individuals with ADHD who actively seek out activities or experiences that will trigger the release of dopamine in their brains. This behavior can sometimes lead to unhealthy patterns in relationships, such as infidelity or neglect, as they pursue the 'high' associated with novelty.

💡Perfectionism

Perfectionism is the tendency to strive for flawlessness and set excessively high standards. In the context of the video, it is mentioned as a behavior that can be harmful in relationships, as it can lead to unrealistic expectations and constant dissatisfaction, which is counterproductive for individuals with ADHD.

💡Novelty

Novelty refers to the state of being new, fresh, or unusual. The script discusses how individuals with ADHD are often drawn to novel experiences because they stimulate the brain's reward system. This attraction to the new can sometimes disrupt the stability of long-term relationships as the individual seeks out new experiences for dopamine stimulation.

Highlights

This week's topic is 'ADHD and Relationships', with a focus on how ADHD affects relationships in various ways.

The speaker is diving deep into a complex issue, indicating a multi-part series on the subject.

ADHD can cause forgetfulness and disorganization, which can be managed with reminders and organizational tools.

A less-discussed aspect of ADHD is the tendency to get bored in relationships, which can be more damaging.

People with ADHD can focus but struggle to sustain attention on unstimulating tasks due to dopamine issues.

ADHD brains have fewer dopamine receptors, leading to a constant search for dopamine-boosting activities.

The ADHD brain is particularly good at focusing on personal interests, challenges, novelty, and tight deadlines.

New relationships can initially provide the stimulation that ADHD brains crave, leading to intense focus on the partner.

As relationships mature, the lack of novelty can lead to a shift in focus and potential damage to the relationship.

The non-ADHD partner may feel neglected when the ADHD partner's attention wanes, interpreting it as a lack of love.

ADHD individuals may use relationships as a means to boost dopamine, leading to unhealthy behaviors.

Honesty is presented as a key solution to managing ADHD in relationships, including self-awareness and clear communication.

The speaker suggests that being honest can make relationships more interesting, challenging, and new.

By being honest, individuals can avoid the cycle of seeking dopamine highs through relationships.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of finding other exciting activities outside of relationships to maintain balance.

Understanding and accepting the normal part of ADHD, such as forgetfulness, can help in maintaining healthy relationships.

The speaker invites viewers to engage with the content by asking questions and suggesting topics for future videos.

A reminder of the upcoming Valentine's Day and a call to find and cherish true love concludes the video.

Transcripts

Hello brains! This week, in honor of Valentine's Day, I wanted to talk about

all the different ways ADHD affects our relationships. But days later, buried

under piles and piles of research, I realized this is a huge issue. So we're gonna call this

"ADHD and Relationships: Part One." Of probably like a hundred.

[music intro]

There are already a ton of YouTube videos and articles with great advice on everything about how to deal

with ADHD and relationships from impulsivity and hyperactivity; time management; money

management; to inattention -- as in, forgetfulness. And I don't know how to explain how many articles I

read about leaving little reminders everywhere except to tell you I'm now

heavily invested in post-it. But to be honest, most guys I've dated have been able to handle

me forgetting appointments or losing stuff. There's a far more damaging aspect

to the way that ADHD affects relationships and I don't see it talked about

very often. It's not a very popular subject. What is it? Inattention as in... getting bored.

I'm gonna open up about my own personal experiences and what I've found that

helps, but first to help us understand why we get bored of what used to be the

only thing that we could think about: Cool Science Stuff!

It's not true that people with ADHD can't focus.

It's that we have trouble sustaining our attention on things that don't reward

our brains for focusing on them. What's behind most ADHD symptoms, and this one's no different,

is trouble with dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that's part of the reward

system in our brain. We do a thing, we get a hit of dopamine, we feel good.

The problem is in ADHD brains there aren't as many dopamine receptors as there are

in the average brain. We kind of have to flood our brain with dopamine to feel the

effects. You've heard of heat-seeking missiles? We are dopamine-seeking missiles. The ADHD brain is

great at focusing on four things. No big surprise, these things fire up the dopamine.

One: things that are of personal interest. Two: Things that are challenging.

Three: Things that are new or novel. Four: Things that are under a crazy deadline.

At the beginning of a relationship at least the first three of those are all in play.

All four if your mom's pressuring you to give her grandkids already.

[ding] [baby cries]

Which is why at the beginning of a relationship most of us can barely think about anything else.

All of our time and energy and attention is lavished on this other person.

But as a relationship continues, it's not as stimulating anymore, and our focus shifts to

other ways to increase our dopamine. This can be damaging to relationships in a

couple of ways. The non-ADHD partner gets used to that attention and it

doesn't feel good when you pull away. It can feel personal. It can feel like you

don't love them anymore.

You get used to the high levels of dopamine and you kinda get hooked.

It's fairly common for those of us with ADHD to use relationships as a dopamine boost.

We start doing whatever we can to create or preserve that dopamine high, including,

in no particular order of personal experience: a) Getting involved with the

nearest available human of the desired gender because they're there and you're

bored. Pretty sure this is how Tinder works.

b) Going from relationship to relationship. c) Pretending things are perfect in your relationship

long after it's clear they're not. d) Criticizing or wanting to change the other person in

order to make the relationship perfect. Also, sometimes you'll still pretend it is perfect.

It's very confusing for everyone involved. e) Cheating on them because you're

bored but you don't hurt them/end the relationship.

f) Lying to them. g) When you find a relationship you like, pushing everything

to the next level as quickly as possible just to feel that thrill of new.

If you're stuck in this vicious cycle, which I only sometimes and with great

difficulty have been able to avoid, I would like to present to you:

option H. Honesty.

Be honest with yourself about what you want. Be honest with yourself about who you are,

what you need. Be honest with yourself about who your partner is and if he's right for you.

Be honest about what you need in a relationship. Be honest about your deal breakers.

Be honest about where you are in the relationship. If you're two weeks in, no, you probably don't

have enough information yet to know that this is the person you want to marry and,

if you're two years in, no it's not going to be as crazy, wild and euphoric as it was at first and

thank goodness because nobody can sustain that. Stop pretending this is the perfect relationship

if it's not and you're just with this person to feel good. Because, eventually, it doesn't.

If you're in the relationship for the dopamine high, not the person, understand that the dopamine high will

end and then you'll still be stuck with the person. Or have to leave and watch them cry.

I'll be honest, being honest doesn't solve everything. You might fight more. You might have more first dates

that don't turn into second dates. When look on Tinder you might not find a good match two blocks away.

But I'll tell you what does happen:

One: it gets interesting. You never know what to expect because now you're two human

beings interacting, not people playing roles. Roles get boring. "Perfect girlfriend."

"Perfect boyfriend." Any relationship that you bring your real self into is always going to be interesting.

And, if you're really being honest with yourself, you're only gonna get involved

people who actually interest you.

Two: It gets challenging. You'll actually have to work out solutions. To actual problems.

Three: It becomes new. You'll constantly be reinventing yourselves, each other,

the relationship. You can affect your partner, they can affect you. And it will get

deeper and more beautiful and more exciting than you could have ever imagined.

And then something incredible happens:

you can stop worrying about finding or saving or creating or ending a relationship and go

find other things that are exciting to you. Make a video game. Start a YouTube channel.

Projects! Travel! TedTalks! And if you're honest with your partner they'll know to enjoy the

times when you hyperfocus on them and understand that when your attention is

on a project that you're working on it's not that you don't love them. And you can

remind each other, because we WILL forget, that this is a normal part of having ADHD.

That's it for this week. Hopefully some of this is helpful. Hopefully it resonates with some

of you. It's what I wish someone had told me. For the rest of you stay tuned.

I'll be tackling a ton of other issues that come up in ADHD relationships in future videos. If you have

questions, or a topic you like me to address, leave it in the comments below and hit me up on

Facebook and Twitter and be sure to subscribe so you don't miss it when I

actually talk about it. I'll see you next week. Bye brains!

Oh! Happy Valentine's Day. Find love. Love. True love. Love.

True love. Love. True Love. True love. Love. True love.

[Music outro]