How Understanding Conflict Can Help Improve Our Lives | Robin Funsten | TEDxTryon
Summary
TLDRIn this compelling narrative, a professional mediator recounts the distressing incident of accidentally locking her child in a car, highlighting the conflict that arose with the car dealership over a malfunctioning smart key. The story delves into the roots of conflict, stemming from limited resources, unmet needs, and differing values, and emphasizes the importance of balancing emotions, logic, and empathy in resolving disputes. The mediator's personal experience serves as a powerful example of how to transform a negative situation into an opportunity for positive growth, advocating for proactive conflict engagement to foster deeper understanding and peace.
Takeaways
- 🔒 The incident: A mother accidentally locked her child in a hot car with the smart key and phone inside, leading to a sense of powerlessness and urgency.
- 🚒 Emergency response: The quick arrival of the fire truck ensured the child's safety, but the mother's anger towards the car dealership was ignited.
- 🤬 Emotional reaction: The mother's fury at the car dealership highlights the intense emotions that can arise from a conflict.
- 🤝 Conflict resolution: The importance of balancing emotions, logic, and empathy in resolving conflicts was emphasized.
- 🌐 Conflict origins: Conflicts often stem from limited resources, unmet needs, and differing values.
- 💡 Identifying needs: Recognizing unmet needs and distinguishing between wants and needs can provide clarity for long-term conflict solutions.
- 🤔 Value differences: Conflicts can arise from differing values and beliefs, which are central to personal and societal disagreements.
- 👂 Listening and validation: The car dealership's customer service manager validated the mother's feelings and explained the situation logically, demonstrating effective conflict resolution.
- 💭 Reflecting on conflict: The mother took a step back to reflect on the conflict, considering the roots and the parties involved.
- 💰 Resource considerations: The conflict involved financial strain and the dealership's responsibility, highlighting the complexity of resource management in conflicts.
- 👶 Safety and respect: The need for safety, power, and respect were central to the mother's conflict with the car dealership.
- 🔑 Personal responsibility: The mother realized the importance of personal responsibility in conflict resolution, acknowledging the need to pay for car repairs even if it's due to a mistake.
- 🌟 Growth through conflict: The script concludes with the idea that conflict can be an opportunity for positive growth and change, encouraging proactive engagement in conflicts.
Q & A
What was the initial problem the narrator faced with their car?
-The narrator's car locked automatically with their young son, Oliver, and the smart key inside, leaving the child in a hot car.
How did the narrator handle the situation after the car locked?
-The narrator quickly found a phone to borrow, called 911, and informed everyone around about the smart key malfunction.
What was the narrator's profession and how does it relate to the story?
-The narrator is a professional mediator, which is relevant because the story involves conflict resolution and understanding the roots of conflict.
What are the three main routes to conflict according to the script?
-The three main routes to conflict are limited resources, unmet needs, and different values.
How can identifying unmet needs help in resolving conflicts?
-Identifying unmet needs can provide deeper clarity towards a long-term solution by understanding what is driving the conflict.
What role does empathy play in conflict resolution?
-Empathy helps in understanding how others are affected and validating their feelings, which is crucial for effective conflict resolution.
How did the car dealership's customer service manager, Jon, handle the situation with the narrator?
-Jon listened carefully, validated the narrator's feelings, explained the issue logically, and offered to check the key without guaranteeing a free fix.
What was the narrator's initial emotional reaction to the car dealership's response?
-The narrator was furious and felt that the car dealership should be fully responsible for the malfunctioning key.
What realization did the narrator come to after reflecting on the conflict?
-The narrator realized that they were being reactive and that the car dealership had its own limitations and values, prompting a deeper understanding of the situation.
What advice does the narrator give for engaging in conflicts?
-The narrator advises taking a step back, being vulnerable, accountable, and realistic, and trusting that understanding conflicts deeply can lead to peace and growth.
What is the narrator's final takeaway on conflict and its role in personal growth?
-The narrator suggests that deeper understanding and peace are possible not through the absence of conflict, but by seizing opportunities for growth created by conflict.
Outlines
🔒 Trapped in a Hot Car: A Mother's Conflict with a Smart Key
The narrator recounts an incident where her son, Oliver, was accidentally locked in a car on a hot day along with the smart key and phone. She expresses her frustration and powerlessness, leading to a confrontation with the car dealership. The story serves as an introduction to the narrator's profession as a mediator and her love for conflict as an opportunity for growth. The paragraph explores the three main routes of conflict: limited resources, unmet needs, and different values, using the car incident as an example.
🤯 Emotional Response to Conflict: Balancing Emotions, Logic, and Empathy
This paragraph delves into the emotional response to conflict, emphasizing the importance of balancing emotions, logic, and empathy. The narrator uses her experience with the car dealership to illustrate how these elements can be applied in conflict resolution. She describes her initial anger and how the customer service manager's empathy and logic helped her to see the situation from a different perspective. The paragraph also discusses the difficulty of being neutral in one's own conflicts and the need for deeper understanding and accountability.
🌱 Growth Through Conflict: Understanding and Engaging in Daily Disputes
The final paragraph focuses on the idea that growth and peace can be achieved through conflict rather than in the absence of it. The narrator encourages the audience to understand the roots of daily conflicts by examining the challenges to resources, needs, and values. She shares her realization about the car key incident and how it led to a deeper understanding and a change in her behavior. The paragraph concludes with a call to action to engage in conflicts bravely and seek long-term solutions that benefit everyone involved.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Smart Key
💡Conflict
💡Emotions
💡Logic
💡Empathy
💡Resources
💡Needs
💡Values
💡Mediator
💡Intention
💡Accountability
Highlights
A mother's experience of her child being accidentally locked in a hot car due to a smart key malfunction.
The importance of quick action and calling for help when faced with a child locked in a car.
The role of a professional mediator in handling personal conflicts and the paradox of avoiding conflict personally.
The transformative power of conflict when engaged intentionally for positive growth.
Three main routes of conflict creation: limited resources, unmet needs, and different values.
How limited resources such as time, money, and property can lead to conflict.
The impact of unmet physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs on conflict.
The role of values in conflict, including personal beliefs and societal expectations.
The process of solving conflict by balancing emotions, logic, and empathy.
A real-life example of conflict resolution with a car dealership over a malfunctioning smart key.
The importance of understanding and validating emotions in conflict resolution.
The role of logic in identifying the roots of conflict and moving towards a solution.
The challenge of being neutral in one's own conflicts due to the direct impact on personal well-being.
The concept that conflict resolution is not about blame but about understanding and addressing needs.
The idea that conflict can be an opportunity for positive change and personal growth.
The encouragement to engage in conflicts with a focus on long-term solutions that benefit all parties.
The final message on the power of conflict to create deeper understanding and peace in daily life.
Transcripts
my young son Oliver and I had been on a
walk one hot day and we got back to the
car I got him strapped in I closed his
door I went to my own door and the car
was locked my baby was locked in the hot
car along with my smart key and my phone
I quickly found a phone to borrow and I
called 911 and while I was waiting I
made sure to tell everyone around that
my car has a smart key and it's not
supposed to be able to get locked into
the car aka this is obviously not my
fault you see this key had worked to
keep me from locking my keys in the car
many times before so I was appalled that
in this moment my baby was locked in the
car and I felt powerless the fire truck
arrived quickly and Oliver was out and
safe but me I was furious I immediately
called the car dealership demanding that
they fix the key that I was not gonna
pay for it and how dare they endanger my
son you think that as a professional
mediator I may have a more even killed
response to a conflict like this what's
more is that I even often say that I
love conflict what I don't usually say
is that I tend to personally avoid
conflict fighting and disagreements with
others can be frustrating and scary so
why would I choose a career in engaging
with other people's conflicts on a
regular basis well through witnessing
time and time again the amazing
transformation that can happen when we
engage conflict
intentionally I've seen that conflicts
can be opportunities for positive growth
let's look at how conflict is created
and see how our solutions can become
simpler and our outcomes can become
positive conflict lies in three main
routes and in their descriptors limited
resources unmet needs and different
values our resources are things like
time money and property having demands
on our time limits to our funds or a
challenge to our personal property often
leads to conflict have you ever not had
enough money not enough time
how about had someone still borrowing
that lawnmower they got from you four
years ago these limits are the seeds of
some conflicts and sometimes simply
feeling like our resources are limited
can lead to conflict as well the second
route to conflict is having our needs
unmet in some way we all have physical
emotional mental and spiritual needs
that drive our actions when these needs
aren't being met or even if we feel like
their unmet then we have a very human
and emotional reaction to meet them and
that can lead to conflict as well
identifying which needs aren't being met
as well as assessing what a want versus
a true need can help with deeper clarity
towards a long-term solution and finally
our values this is where all of our
shoulds live you should do this you
should think this way you should act
this way or you shouldn't wear that when
we're shooting on ourselves or on others
things get messy
having different values from someone
else is the stuff of politicians and
drunk uncles it's also the stuff of
philosophers and great visionaries this
is where family arguments big world
issues and all of the isms in our lives
are created and also where they get
challenged our willingness to
proactively address these deep held
values is certainly an opportunity for
positive change so solving a conflict
comes first with noticing the emotions
that come up and taking a moment to
intentionally create a balance between
our emotions our logic and empathy our
emotions help us identify where our deep
values and needs are and indicate when
something needs to change when we use
logic it helps us identify the roots of
the conflict and to address the
challenges that they present moving us
towards a solution empathy helps us
understand how others are affected and
to validate them for feeling that way
remember my anger about the SmartKey
with the car dealer well I was furious
that the malfunctioning key had almost
killed my baby here's where the
effective conflict resolution began and
notice it didn't begin with me the
mediator Jon the customer service
manager at the car dealership listened
carefully to me while I tried to
convince him that it was all his fault
then he began to validate my feelings
empathy he said I'm so sorry that
happened to you and your son I have kids
myself
and I imagine that was very scary then
he brought in some logic and explained
the issue for me is that I cannot
guarantee that your car or key will not
have technical issues your key had
worked many times before and we're happy
to check it out but it's not under
warranty so we can't do it for free it
took me some time to actually hear what
he had to say
eventually I calmed down and I made the
appointment to get the key fixed but I
still needed to think through this a bit
I wasn't anywhere close to having logic
sometimes you need to pay to have your
car fixed weird right or empathy I don't
care what the car dealer needs or feels
they have dangered my son so I took a
step back I do teach this stuff after
all that's myself
what's my opportunity for positive
growth here what are the roots of this
conflict there are limited resources
paying to fix the key is gonna put a
financial strain on my family the other
hand John has a job description too that
limits his ability to negotiate finances
with me their unmet needs of course
there's the need of safety to consider
here my son's and also my needs for
power and respect who respects a mother
who locks her baby in the car and how
about the needs of the car dealer John
Hudson needs to be respected in his role
is a good customer service
representative as well as asserting the
importance of quality car service and
it's worth then there were the different
values to consider you see I have a
belief that if someone does someone else
wrong that they should fix it and in
this moment I believe that the car
dealer is 100% responsible for the
safety and function of my car remember
our feelings or perceptions are just as
tangible as reality when it comes to
conflict and how about the values of the
car dealer well very reasonably they
believe that unless you have a warranty
they aren't responsible to compensate a
customer for their car issues then I
realized how reactive maybe a little
enemies
while I was being due even mediators you
know we have these human reactions do
mechanics fix your brakes for free when
they wear out from use do you get free
bodywork on your car when you get
yourself into an accident nope you got
to pay for that stuff even if you're
embarrassed about your own mistakes in
the situation it is almost impossible to
be neutral in your own conflicts well I
can be entirely neutral for someone
else's arguments about how they were
hurt by gossip whose dogs were more
annoying or who threw the first punch
I cannot immediately be neutral when it
comes to my own conflicts because the
outcomes directly affect me and my
well-being having a conflict of the car
dealer about a smart key can feel like
one of those first world problems and
having a conflict with a close friend or
family member or even with big news
media and hearing about all the hard
things that are happening in our world
can heighten your amount of emotional
investment therefore likely the
intensity of your emotional reactions so
no matter who your conflict is with this
is why it is so powerful to take a step
back take a deep breath be vulnerable be
accountable be realistic
trust that it's worth it to understand
more deeply and bravely engage in your
conflicts what John knew was that if
your true intention is to solve a
conflict for good then you'll have a
vested interest in the needs of the
other people that you're in conflict
with in addition to your own so he kept
a customer that day his validation and
calm logic helped me have the space to
understand more deeply and now I never
closed my car doors without being sure I
have my keys on me no matter how smart
they are deeper understanding and deeper
peace in our daily lives and
in our world is possible not through an
absence of conflict but by seizing the
opportunities for growth created by
conflict when we engage conflicts when
they're small sometimes we can prevent
them from growing and creating larger
consequences in our lives and
communities as well as increasing our
own confidence in our abilities to
handle bigger conflicts as they do arise
so I dare you to find the roots of your
daily conflicts understand how
everyone's resources needs and values
are being challenged and focus on
long-term solutions that benefit us all
thank you
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