Alasan Psikologis Kenapa Hubunganmu Selalu Gagal (The Art of Loving)

Summary

In this profound exploration of love, Eric Fromm's *The Art of Loving* challenges the modern, consumer-driven view of love. He critiques the commodification of relationships, where love has become a transaction, often devoid of depth. Fromm argues that love is not a mere feeling, but a skill that requires discipline, responsibility, care, and respect. He emphasizes that true love is an active, transformative practice that requires self-awareness and maturity, urging individuals to develop the capacity to love rather than searching for an idealized 'perfect match.' Ultimately, love is not something found, but something cultivated through effort and genuine connection.

Takeaways

• 😀 Love is not just a feeling, but an art that requires practice, discipline, and skill to master.
• 😀 We often fail in love because we assume it's something passive that just happens, rather than something we actively cultivate.
• 😀 The first mistake in love is focusing too much on being loved rather than learning how to love others.
• 😀 The second mistake is the illusion that finding the 'right person' will solve our love problems, while love requires the skill to nurture and maintain a relationship.
• 😀 The third mistake is confusing intense emotions (like infatuation) with true love, which grows through patience, maturity, and effort.
• 😀 True love requires self-awareness, and the need to overcome the existential loneliness of being human, as described by Erich Fromm.
• 😀 People often seek intense, temporary fixes (like addiction or conformity) to escape their loneliness, but true connection comes from understanding and loving others.
• 😀 Love should be seen as an active process, a verb rather than a noun. It requires giving, not just receiving.
• 😀 There are four essential elements to love: care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge. Without them, it’s not love.
• 😀 Self-love is not selfishness, but the foundation for loving others. Only by caring for ourselves can we truly care for others.
• 😀 In modern society, relationships have become commodified, and love is often seen as an exchange of assets, which leads to fragile, transactional relationships.

Q & A

What is the main argument of Eric Fromm's *The Art of Loving*?

The main argument of Fromm's book is that love is not a passive feeling, but an active art or skill that requires discipline, knowledge, and responsibility. Fromm critiques the romanticized view of love and suggests that we must approach love with the same seriousness as other skills, such as medicine or art.

How does Fromm differentiate between 'falling in love' and 'standing in love'?

Fromm argues that 'falling in love' is a passive experience, as if love happens to us by accident. He counters this by suggesting that love should be seen as 'standing in love,' a conscious, active engagement that requires discipline and effort, similar to learning a craft.

What are the three main mistakes people make when it comes to love, according to Fromm?

Fromm identifies three main mistakes: (1) focusing on being loved rather than learning how to love, (2) the illusion of finding the 'right' person instead of developing the skill to love, and (3) confusing the intensity of 'falling in love' with true, lasting love.

Why does Fromm emphasize the importance of 'discipline' in love?

Fromm emphasizes discipline because love, like any other art or skill, requires consistent effort and practice. Without discipline, love becomes superficial and unfulfilling. It's a process of learning, not something that simply 'happens' without intentional effort.

What is Fromm's view on the concept of the 'right one' or 'soulmate'?

Fromm critiques the idea of the 'right one,' explaining that people often view relationships as a market transaction, where they seek the best 'specifications' in a partner. He argues that love is not about finding the perfect partner but about developing the capacity to love, regardless of the person.

How does Fromm explain the desire for intimacy in human beings?

Fromm argues that the need for love arises from the terror of human existence, particularly the awareness of our isolation and separateness. He suggests that love is a response to the anxiety of being alone, and it provides a way to overcome existential loneliness.

What is the difference between symbiosis and mature love, according to Fromm?

Fromm distinguishes symbiosis from mature love by saying that symbiosis is an immature form of connection, where one person merges with the other out of need or dependence. Mature love, on the other hand, involves two independent individuals who maintain their integrity while choosing to unite in a relationship.

How does capitalism impact love in modern society, according to Fromm?

Fromm argues that capitalism has commodified love, turning it into a market transaction. People now view themselves as commodities to be 'sold' in the marketplace of relationships, seeking partners based on superficial attributes like status and appearance, rather than deeper emotional and spiritual connections.

What does Fromm mean by 'the character of marketing' in relation to love?

Fromm refers to the 'character of marketing' as the way in which individuals approach love like a business transaction. People present themselves in a 'marketable' way, emphasizing their most desirable traits, and seek relationships based on perceived value, leading to superficial connections rather than genuine intimacy.

Why does Fromm suggest that 'self-love' is essential for loving others?

Fromm argues that self-love is foundational for loving others because it provides the internal security needed for healthy, mature relationships. If a person cannot love themselves, their love for others becomes distorted, leading to dependence or possessiveness. True love flows from a secure sense of self.