What Causes Rejection (According to Psychology)

Summary

In this video, Dr. Thomas Mimman, a clinical psychologist, explores the psychology behind why we sometimes feel a disconnect with others, whether in dating or friendships. He breaks down three 'ejection systems'—gut level reactions, threat triggers, and compatibility filters—that protect us from potential harm or discomfort. These psychological mechanisms are triggered by behaviors like poor hygiene, hostility, or mismatched values. Dr. Mimman offers practical insights on how to avoid setting off these alarms, fostering stronger, more authentic connections in relationships by being aware of these triggers.

Takeaways

• 😀 Your brain has three 'ejection systems' that protect you from uncomfortable or dangerous social situations, triggered by specific behaviors.
• 😀 The first ejection system is the gut-level reaction, driven by the behavioral immune system, which evolved to help us avoid illness. It can be triggered by physical cues like bad hygiene or immoral behavior, and once activated, it's hard to recover from.
• 😀 Physical cues that trigger the gut-level reaction include bad breath, body odor, poor self-care, and visible signs of illness. Behavioral cues like vulgar jokes or dishonesty also set off this system.
• 😀 The second ejection system, the threat trigger, is activated when someone feels emotionally or physically threatened. Hostility, negativity, and control behaviors can set off this alarm, making us pull away from others.
• 😀 Early signs of hostility or negativity, such as complaining or criticizing others, can quickly activate the threat trigger, leading to discomfort and a desire to disconnect.
• 😀 Rigid views and early jealousy signals can also trigger the threat system, as they suggest controlling behavior or a lack of freedom in the relationship.
• 😀 The third ejection system is the compatibility filter, which becomes relevant when we start imagining a future with someone. It assesses whether the person is a good fit for long-term life-building.
• 😀 Shared world views, such as similar values, morals, and life perspectives, are crucial for long-term relationship success. It's not about liking the same TV shows, but about aligning on deeper life goals and principles.
• 😀 Mutual investment is important for building a balanced, healthy relationship. A one-sided relationship, where one person gives too much or too little, will not thrive.
• 😀 Key behaviors that trigger the compatibility filter include signs of unavailability (emotional or physical), lopsided attention (talking mostly about oneself), and too much closeness or reassurance too soon.
• 😀 Understanding yourself, maintaining emotional regulation, and practicing curiosity over criticism can help avoid triggering these ejection systems and foster more authentic connections in relationships.

Q & A

What are ejection systems in the context of human relationships?

Ejection systems are psychological mechanisms that evolved to protect us by triggering fast, automatic responses when certain behaviors or signals are perceived. These systems can cause us to disconnect from others without fully understanding why, based on our brain’s assessment of potential threats or discomforts.

How does the 'gut-level reaction' ejection system work?

The gut-level reaction system helps us avoid illness by detecting potential threats like germs or infection. This system has been adapted to social situations, where it triggers a sense of disgust or discomfort when we encounter certain physical or behavioral cues, such as bad hygiene or dishonesty, leading us to instinctively pull away from the person.

What are some physical and behavioral cues that can trigger the gut-level reaction?

Physical cues include poor hygiene, body odor, or signs of illness. Behavioral cues involve actions like oversharing, rude behavior, dishonesty, or being too touchy too soon. These signals can prompt an immediate desire to disconnect or avoid the person.

Can the gut-level reaction system be prevented from triggering?

Yes, the gut-level reaction can be avoided by maintaining good hygiene, presenting yourself well, and being aware of your behavior in social interactions. Being mindful of how you communicate and respecting others' personal space can help prevent triggering this system.

What is the 'threat trigger' ejection system, and when does it activate?

The threat trigger system activates when there are signs of emotional or physical danger, even in subtle forms like hostility, control, or negativity. It’s triggered by behaviors such as complaining excessively, being rude, or demonstrating controlling tendencies. This system makes us instinctively retreat when we feel threatened or unsafe.

How can negativity and hostility trigger the threat trigger system?

Negativity and hostility trigger the threat system by making us feel emotionally unsafe. Complaining about others, engaging in rude behavior, or criticizing without constructive intent signals that the person may harbor negative emotions, which can cause us to want to disconnect.

What are signs of early jealousy or control that can trigger the threat system?

Early jealousy or control can be signaled by intrusive questions about the other person’s interactions, such as asking who else they are talking to or how many other dates they have. These questions, although sometimes driven by anxiety or insecurity, can make the other person feel suffocated or controlled.

What is the role of the 'compatibility filter' in forming relationships?

The compatibility filter assesses whether a potential partner is someone we could build a future with. It evaluates shared values, worldviews, and mutual investment in the relationship. This filter becomes more prominent with age and experience as we consider long-term compatibility rather than immediate attraction.

How does the compatibility filter influence our decision to connect with someone?

The compatibility filter is driven by two factors: shared worldview and mutual investment. If a person shares similar values, beliefs, and life goals, it creates a foundation for a lasting connection. Additionally, if the relationship feels balanced with mutual effort, it further strengthens the possibility of building something long-term.

What are some behaviors that signal unavailability or lack of emotional investment?

Signs of unavailability include avoiding vulnerable or revealing conversations, not showing interest in the other person, or staying emotionally distant. When someone holds back or doesn’t engage, it can send the message that they’re not ready for a deeper connection, triggering the compatibility filter to reject the possibility of building a future together.

Why is emotional regulation important when interacting with others, especially in early relationships?

Emotional regulation helps us manage reactivity and negativity, preventing us from unintentionally triggering ejection systems like the threat trigger. By staying calm and emotionally balanced, we can approach interactions with curiosity and warmth, making it easier to build genuine connections without overwhelming the other person.