Do you ONLY WANT SEX?: what women don't understand about their relationships
Summary
TLDRDr. Orion Taraban's 'Cycax' episode tackles the misconception that men's sexual interest in relationships is superficial or degrading. He argues that sex is a primary and unique aspect of these relationships, and women should not feel objectified by it. Instead, he suggests that women can enhance their value by offering more than just sexual attraction, such as intelligence, humor, or emotional support, to create a more satisfying and balanced relationship.
Takeaways
- 😐 The script discusses the common question men face about their interest in sex during courtship and the negative implications it often carries.
- 🔍 It acknowledges that some women may feel objectified or reduced to their sexual value by men's sexual interest, which can lead to a defensive attitude.
- 💭 The speaker suggests that women may punish men's sexual interest as a way to assert control over the relationship or to seek more meaningful connection.
- 🚫 The script challenges the belief that men can get sex from any woman and emphasizes the importance of recognizing the unique value of each sexual relationship.
- 👍 It advocates for a sex-positive approach, arguing that men's interest in sex is natural and appropriate within a sexual relationship.
- 🍖 The script uses the metaphor of Tony Roma's restaurant to illustrate that just as people go there for ribs, men go to sexual relationships for sex.
- 🤔 It questions why women would be put off by a man's sexual interest, especially if they are already in a sexual relationship, comparing it to a restaurant being shamed for its specialty.
- 💡 The speaker encourages women to offer more than just sexual value if they want to be seen as more than sexual objects, suggesting they should bring unique qualities to the relationship.
- 💰 The script points out that men often take on more responsibility and risk in dating scenarios, and women should consider reciprocating or contributing in other ways.
- 🤝 It suggests that women should develop skills and virtues that provide positive relative value in comparison to the men they are interested in dating.
- 📈 The speaker concludes by advising women to embrace their unique strengths and the reality of sexual relationships, using marketing strategies as an analogy for attracting the right partners.
Q & A
What is the main topic of Dr. Orion Taraban's talk in the provided transcript?
-The main topic of Dr. Orion Taraban's talk is the issue of men being questioned about their interest in sex during the courtship process and the implications of such questioning.
What tone does Dr. Taraban suggest is often associated with the question 'do you only want sex'?
-Dr. Taraban suggests that the question 'do you only want sex' is often asked with a shaming tone, implying that wanting sex is somehow superficial, disgusting, or insulting.
According to the transcript, what is the implication of the question for the woman asking it?
-The implication for the woman asking the question is that she feels objectified or reduced to a sexual object, and she wants to be seen and related to as something more than just a sexual partner.
What does Dr. Taraban believe is a misguided belief in the woman's experience?
-Dr. Taraban believes that the misguided belief is the idea that men can get sex from any woman, and that sex is impersonal, when in reality, sexual relationships are one of the few socially acceptable places for men to express their sexual interests.
What is the 'Monopoly' analogy used by Dr. Taraban to describe sexual relationships?
-The 'Monopoly' analogy is used to describe how sexual relationships have a kind of monopoly on sex, and if people can't get what they want in the monopoly, they might seek it elsewhere, in the 'black market' or shadow of the monopoly.
Why does Dr. Taraban suggest that women should not feel put off by a man's sexual interest?
-Dr. Taraban suggests that women should not feel put off because it is entirely appropriate for men to express sexual interest in their sexual relationships, as it is one of the unique aspects of such relationships.
What is the 'Tony Roma's' metaphor used by Dr. Taraban to explain the expectations in a sexual relationship?
-The 'Tony Roma's' metaphor is used to illustrate that just as people go to Tony Roma's for ribs, men go to their sexual relationships for sex, which is the main offering of such a relationship.
What does Dr. Taraban argue is the responsibility of women who want to be seen as more than just a sexual partner?
-Dr. Taraban argues that it is the responsibility of women to demonstrate that they have more to offer than simply sex, such as being smarter, funnier, more charming, kinder, or offering emotional support.
What is the 'double bind' that Dr. Taraban mentions women face in sexual relationships?
-The 'double bind' refers to the conflicting expectations where women are expected to advertise their availability as sexual partners while also upholding strict social mores about the sexual monopoly of relationships, and shaming men for expressing their sexual interest.
How does Dr. Taraban suggest women can play to their unique strengths in relationships?
-Dr. Taraban suggests that women should develop their skills and virtues relative to the men they prefer to date and mate, or make peace with the fact that in sexual relationships, men are primarily interested in sex.
What advice does Dr. Taraban give regarding women's approach to men's sexual interest?
-Dr. Taraban advises women to accept and not shame men's sexual interest and appetite, and to think about it in terms of marketing, guiding men to think about them when they want sex.
Outlines
🤔 The Misinterpretation of Men's Sexual Interest
Dr. Orion Taraban discusses the misconception that men's interest in sex is superficial or insulting to women. He clarifies that sex is a fundamental aspect of a sexual relationship and that it is appropriate for men to express enthusiasm for it. The paragraph addresses the idea that women may feel objectified by men's sexual interest, but Dr. Taraban argues that this is a reaction to societal norms and misunderstandings about the nature of sexual relationships. He emphasizes the importance of recognizing sex as a unique and essential component of these relationships.
🍖 The Tony Roma's Analogy: Understanding Sexual Relationships
In this section, Dr. Taraban uses the analogy of a restaurant known for its ribs, Tony Roma's, to explain the dynamics of sexual relationships. He suggests that just as people go to Tony Roma's for ribs, men seek sexual relationships for sex. The paragraph argues against the idea that it is inappropriate for men to express their sexual interest in a relationship, as it is the primary offering of such a relationship. Dr. Taraban also discusses the double bind women may create by both expecting men to be sexually interested and shaming them for it, which can degrade the quality of the relationship.
🚀 Beyond Sex: Demonstrating Additional Value in Relationships
Dr. Taraban shifts the focus to the importance of women providing more than just sexual value in a relationship. He challenges the notion that men can get sex from any woman and emphasizes the need for women to offer unique qualities that set them apart. The paragraph discusses the responsibilities and expectations in dating, where men often take the lead and bear the costs and risks. Dr. Taraban suggests that women should contribute to the relationship by being intellectually stimulating, emotionally supportive, or taking initiative in social interactions. He concludes by stating that it is easier for women to be seen as more than sexual partners with men of lower status, but this is not typically the type of partner they desire.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Sex Positivity
💡Objectification
💡Courtship
💡Sexual Relationship
💡Double Bind
💡Tony Roma's Ribs Metaphor
💡Value Proposition
💡Initiative
💡Social Mores
💡Mating Strategy
💡Relative Value
Highlights
The topic of the talk is the common question men face regarding their interest in sex, which is often framed negatively and shaming.
Dr. Orion Taraban discusses the misconception that wanting sex is superficial or insulting, and emphasizes a sex-positive approach.
Some women may feel that men's sexual interest is a distraction or objectification, which can be a reaction to men's intentions.
The talk explores the idea that women want to be seen as more than just a sexual object in a relationship.
Dr. Taraban challenges the belief that men can get sex from any woman and emphasizes the importance of sex in men's lives.
The speaker argues that it's appropriate for men to show interest in sex within sexual relationships, as it's a socially acceptable place for them.
The transcript highlights the unique value of sex in sexual relationships, as opposed to other aspects that can be found elsewhere.
Dr. Taraban uses the metaphor of Tony Roma's restaurant to explain why men prioritize sex in sexual relationships.
The talk addresses the double bind women face when they shame men for their sexual interest, which is both advertised and socially approved.
Dr. Taraban suggests that women who want to be seen as more than sexual objects should provide more than sexual value.
The speaker outlines the responsibilities and expectations in dating scenarios, where men often take the initiative and bear the costs.
Dr. Taraban encourages women to offer something unique beyond sex, such as intelligence, humor, or emotional support.
The talk discusses the relative value women must provide in comparison to the men they date, and the challenges that come with it.
Dr. Taraban suggests that it's easier for women to be seen as more than sexual partners with men of lower status, but this isn't always desirable.
The speaker advises women to develop their skills and virtues to stand out to the men they prefer, or accept the nature of sexual relationships.
Dr. Taraban concludes by emphasizing the importance of marketing oneself effectively in relationships, especially considering men's sexual interests.
Transcripts
I'm Dr Orion taraban and this is cycax
Better Living Through psychology and the
topic of today's short talk is
do you only want sex
so this is a question that men often
hear earlier in the courtship process it
usually occurs after the two have
initiated a sexual relationship and the
man expresses interest and enthusiasm in
having sex with a woman again and let's
be clear this isn't really an honest
question it generally has a shaming tone
to it as if wanting sex is somehow
superficial or disgusting or insulting
to the woman in question
it also implies that it's somehow
inappropriate to be focused on sex which
is not at all sex positive and we at
psych hacks are sex positive that said
for some women it can feel as though
straight men's interest in sex is some
kind of annoying distraction or a
degrading objectification
now to be fair this attitude can be a
reaction to let us say men's
heavy-handedness with respect to their
intention and I think I understand the
woman's experience here and feel free to
correct me if I'm wrong in the comments
below but the experience is something
like as a woman
I want to feel like there's more to me
than just the warm hole I can provide
which literally every woman can offer if
a man only wants sex well he can get sex
from any woman and I don't want to be
any woman so participating
enthusiastically in an activity that is
this impersonal and generalizable would
somehow diminish me as a person I want
to be seen and related to as something
more than a sexual object therefore
consciously or not I will punish men's
enthusiastic sexual interest in me so
that I can have the benefits I hope to
accrue from the relationship either
increasingly on my terms or more cheaply
now
to the extent that I got that right
there's nothing bad or wrong with that
sentiment inherently however there are a
few ideas there that are a bit misguided
and my goal here is to help women
understand this so that they can have
more satisfying relationships with the
men of their choosing
leaving aside the belief that men can
get sex from any woman they can't and
the belief that sex is somehow
impersonal it's not the real issue with
this line of thinking is a lack of
appreciation for the real essence of
sexual relationships
as you know sex is extremely important
to men and sexual relationships are the
one socially acceptable place where men
can get it
so it's actually entirely appropriate
that men bring explicit enthusiastic
interest in sex
to their sexual relationships
because where else are they supposed to
bring that interest
you have to understand that sexual
relationships have kind of a monopoly on
sex and if people can't get something
they want at the Monopoly they typically
don't surrender the necessity or the
desire they go find it on the black
market which is the shadow of the
Monopoly
now before I go any further if you're
liking what you're hearing then please
consider sending this episode to someone
who might benefit from its message it's
Word of Mouth referrals like this that
really help to grow the channel
and you can also hit the super thanks
button and tip me in proportion to the
value you feel you derived from this
episode I appreciate your support
now to be completely real with you
ladies almost all the things that a
woman can potentially provide a man
he can get elsewhere except for sex and
motherhood
but we're going to focus on sex for
today sex is the thing that is unique to
the sexual relationship and so it kind
of makes sense that sex is going to be
of high priority with respect to that
relationship
women complaining that the men they're
seeing might only be interested in sex
is sort of like the chef at Tony Roma's
complaining that the people there only
seem to order ribs
the chef might be like well I I make
salads too I put a lot of love and care
into my salads why doesn't anyone order
my salads because it's Tony [ __ ]
Roma's it's the place for ribs
well why can't it be the place for ribs
and salads
well because that's terrible branding
and if Tony Roma's had the poor judgment
to actually pursue that marketing
strategy it would not work out well for
them people go to Tony Roma's because
they want ribs that's what the place is
known for and that's where they know
they can get them they can get salads
anywhere and in this metaphor a salad is
anything that I can get from a sexual
relationship that I could also get
elsewhere say from my friends or family
or colleagues or myself
men go to their sexual relationships for
sex for the same reason people go to
Tony Roma's for ribs what's on the menu
is in the [ __ ] name
and embracing this reality helps both
women and Tony Roma's prosper
so it doesn't quite make sense to me
that a woman might feel put off by a
man's sexual interest in her especially
if she's already in a sexual
relationship with him
can you imagine the waiter at Tony
Roma's condescendingly asking so you
only want ribs
it's not wise to shame your customers
if those patrons weren't interested in
ribs they wouldn't have come through
your door
and you can't get anything from a
customer who won't walk through your
door now can you
on the one hand advertising your
availability as a sexual partner and
upholding strict social mores about the
sexual Monopoly of sexual relationships
well on the other hand shaming and
degrading men who appropriately bring
their sexual interest where it is
advertised and socially approved
is an enormous double bind
it is unlikely to prove a successful
mating strategy for women and it will
likely degrade the quality of the
relationship
for any man unfortunate enough to stay
in one
this might be a bitter pill for some
women to swallow but I gotta keep it
real for you
if you want to be seen as more than just
a sexual object you need to provide more
than sexual value
if you were to go out with me
what would generally happen on the first
few dates well
I kind of set everything up I take the
initiative and ask you out so I'm
disproportionately assuming the risk and
the responsibility for both of us I
established the time the date the place
and I'm going to pay for everything on
the date I'm funny making you laugh
Charming making you feel engaged I'm
intelligent making you think and I'm
interested making you feel special
in this common dating scenario you just
basically have to show up
and without sex what exactly am I
getting out of this interaction where do
I get what I want
do you see so if you the woman want to
be seen as more than just a sexual
partner then be smarter than me and
teach me something I don't already know
or be funnier than me and make me laugh
or be more Charming than me and make me
feel something or be kinder than me and
offer me emotional support or if that's
too much to ask buy me a drink or take
some initiative so that I don't have to
be responsible for every last detail of
the interaction I already have plenty to
do and my time and resources are not
Limitless unpopular opinion but it's
your responsibility to demonstrate that
you have more to offer than simply sex
but if you're not funny
and you're not that smart
and you're not treating me to anything
and you're not taking initiative or
responsibility
and you're not particularly kind or
supportive well
what else is on the menu
that is a real honest question and you
need to think about that
and you have to understand that the
value proposition here is relative you
may think that you're funny and smart
and sugar and spice and everything nice
but are you funny and smart and what
have you relative to me
let's be honest the higher the value of
the ma'am you happen to be dating the
harder it will be for you to provide
positive relative value for instance if
I make significantly more than you it's
going to be harder for you to foot the
bill at the places I like to go
if I'm very intelligent it's going to be
increasingly difficult for you to tell
me something I don't already know
and if you're not that Charming I will
probably have to do the entertaining for
both of us
so what's the upshot that it's actually
easier for women to be perceived as more
than just a sexual partner with lower
status men
but those aren't the men they generally
want to sleep with
so women are kind of on the horns of a
dilemma either she has to really develop
her skills and virtues relative to the
men she would prefer to mate and date
or she has to kind of make peace with
the fact that when people go to Tony
Roma's they want to eat ribs
personally I think it makes a lot of
sense to play to your unique strengths
in fact I could teach women to get
pretty much any man that they want
but one of the ways that women really
shoot themselves in the collective foot
is not accepting men's sexual interest
and appetite
ladies you gotta think it about it in
terms of marketing
if you want ribs where do you think
about going
and if a particular man wants sex which
he will
where do you want him to think about
going
something to consider
what do you think does this fit with
your own experience let me know in the
comments below and if you've gotten this
far you might as well like this episode
And subscribe to this channel you may
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as always thank you for listening
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