Her narcissistic ex: why this is a red flag

Summary

Dr. Orion Terban discusses the concept of narcissism in relationships, focusing on the tendency of women to label their exes as narcissistic. He explores how narcissistic and borderline personalities are linked, often resulting from dysfunctional family dynamics. Terban explains that healthy, securely attached individuals tend not to stay in relationships with narcissists or borderlines. He further delves into the emotional survival strategies of both narcissistic men and borderline women, stressing how these disorders tend to attract one another. The talk highlights how this dynamic often points to deeper psychological patterns in individuals' attachment styles and relationship choices.

Takeaways

• 😀 Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) affects 1-2% of the American population, but not all complaints about narcissistic exes are accurate or indicative of the disorder.
• 😀 The term 'narcissist' has expanded in popular culture to include anyone who is perceived as exploitative or self-centered, often without clinical validation.
• 😀 Women who perceive their exes as narcissistic may be projecting their own emotional experiences, rather than accurately diagnosing a personality disorder.
• 😀 A key issue in relationships involving narcissists is that one person tends to give more while the other takes more, creating a perceived imbalance.
• 😀 Complaining about a narcissistic ex can indicate a lack of personal responsibility for the relationship's failure, which often leads to a tendency to blame external factors.
• 😀 Individuals who complain about narcissistic exes may be more likely to have borderline personality traits, as both NPD and BPD often stem from similar family dynamics.
• 😀 Narcissistic men are more likely to have borderline mothers, while borderline women are more likely to have narcissistic fathers, suggesting that these disorders are interconnected and may feed into each other.
• 😀 Growing up with a borderline mother often forces children to cut off emotional access to survive in a chaotic household, while growing up with a narcissistic father can lead to emotional neglect and a need for attention.
• 😀 Healthy, securely attached individuals do not tend to stay in relationships with narcissists or borderlines, recognizing the dysfunction early and avoiding prolonged attachment.
• 😀 When women complain about multiple narcissistic exes or long-term relationships with narcissists, it's a red flag indicating possible psychological patterns that make it difficult for them to form healthy relationships.

Q & A

What is the main issue discussed in the script?

The main issue discussed in the script is the prevalence of narcissistic ex-partners and how women often label their exes as narcissists. Dr. Orion terban explores the dynamics behind these labels and discusses the relationship between narcissistic and borderline personality disorders.

What percentage of Americans is estimated to have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)?

According to the latest data mentioned in the script, about 1-2% of Americans have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). This includes both men and women.

Why does Dr. Terban argue that not every woman with a 'narcissistic ex' is correct in labeling her ex as a narcissist?

Dr. Terban argues that the label of narcissist is often applied because women may feel they gave more in the relationship than they received. However, this feeling of being exploited does not necessarily mean the man had a personality disorder. It could be a result of an unbalanced dynamic in the relationship.

What is the relationship between narcissistic and borderline personality disorders according to the script?

The script suggests that narcissistic and borderline personality disorders tend to coexist and influence each other. Narcissistic men are more likely to have had borderline mothers, and borderline women are more likely to have had narcissistic fathers. This dynamic may contribute to the development of these disorders in each gender.

How do narcissistic men and borderline women interact in relationships, according to the script?

Narcissistic men and borderline women often get involved in relationships because of complementary emotional dynamics. Narcissistic men, being emotionally detached and lacking empathy, can endure the emotional chaos of borderline women, while borderline women, with their emotional intensity, may stay in relationships with narcissistic men despite the neglect or invalidation they face.

Why do Dr. Terban’s ideas suggest that women with narcissistic exes may have attachment issues?

Dr. Terban suggests that women who stay in relationships with narcissistic men are more likely to have attachment issues or be unhealthy in their attachment style. Securely attached women would typically not remain in relationships with narcissistic individuals, recognizing that something feels off and leaving before the relationship becomes prolonged.

What is the impact of having a borderline mother or a narcissistic father during childhood?

Having a borderline mother can lead a child to shut off their emotions to avoid manipulation and emotional chaos, while having a narcissistic father can lead a child to simplify their emotions in an attempt to get attention and avoid being ignored. Both experiences can lead to the development of personality traits associated with borderline and narcissistic disorders.

How does Dr. Terban differentiate healthy, securely attached people from those who may end up in toxic relationships with personality disordered individuals?

Dr. Terban notes that healthy, securely attached individuals tend to recognize unhealthy dynamics in relationships with narcissists or borderlines and don't stay in these relationships for long. They are able to sense when something is wrong and are more likely to exit before becoming deeply involved.

What does Dr. Terban mean by saying that narcissistic and borderline personalities are ‘gendered expressions of the same underlying dysfunction’?

Dr. Terban suggests that the dynamics between narcissistic and borderline personalities are not just separate disorders but may represent different ways of coping with similar emotional dysfunction. This dysfunction is shaped by the family environment, with narcissistic fathers and borderline mothers contributing to the development of these disorders in their children.

Why is it concerning if a woman complains about multiple narcissistic exes or stayed in a long-term relationship with one?

Dr. Terban sees this as a red flag because it could indicate that the woman herself has psychological issues, such as attachment problems, that made her vulnerable to being in prolonged relationships with narcissistic individuals. This suggests a lack of healthy self-awareness and accountability for her part in the dysfunctional relationship.