How to date, mate, and find fulfillment | Helen Fisher & more

Summary

The transcript explores the biological basis of sex drive, romantic love, and attachment, challenging the notion that they are mere phases. It highlights the importance of these brain systems in maintaining long-term, fulfilling relationships and offers insights into how to sustain them. The discussion also touches on the evolution of mating structures and the potential risks of polyamory, emphasizing the enduring nature of romantic love and its significance to human survival and happiness.

Takeaways

• 🧠 **Sex Drive, Love, and Attachment are Brain Systems**: These are not phases but integral parts of our brain's functioning, essential for human connection and partnership.
• 🚀 **Sex is a Brain Process**: Sexuality is more than a physical act; it's a complex interplay of cognitive and emotional processes, with the brain acting as the key facilitator.
• 🧬 **Evolutionary Roots**: Modern humans still carry the adapted behaviors of our hunter-gatherer ancestors, which influences our current mating and partnership structures.
• 💊 **Impact of Modern Contraception and STD Treatment**: Advances in reproductive health have changed the dynamics of relationships, potentially freeing us from past mating structures.
• 🌐 **Role of Technology**: The internet and other technologies have introduced new ways of interaction that can influence how we form and maintain relationships.
• 💔 **Talking About Sex is Crucial**: Open communication about sex with a partner is vital for a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship.
• 💗 **Love and Attachment in the Brain**: Anthropologist Helen Fisher has located the areas of the brain responsible for love and attachment, emphasizing their biological basis.
• 🧐 **Understanding Romantic Love**: Romantic love is a powerful and essential brain system that can be studied and understood through brain imaging and other scientific methods.
• 🔬 **Dual Control Model of Sexual Response**: Sexual response involves both an excitation system (accelerator) and an inhibitory system (brakes), which are influenced by various environmental and internal factors.
• 🤝 **Importance of Context for Pleasure**: The perception of pleasurable sensations is highly dependent on the context, including both external circumstances and internal emotional states.
• ❤️ **Long-Term Partnerships and Sexuality**: To sustain a long-term, happy partnership, it's important to maintain sex drive, romantic love, and feelings of attachment through regular interaction and communication.

Q & A

What are the three brain systems discussed in the transcript related to romantic and sexual behaviors?

The three brain systems discussed are sex drive, romantic love, and feelings of attachment. Sex drive is the system that motivates individuals to seek out partners, romantic love is the intense emotional connection towards a specific partner, and feelings of attachment are the deep emotional bonds that help maintain long-term relationships.

How does the ventral tegmental area (VTA) contribute to romantic love?

The ventral tegmental area (VTA) is a part of the brain that produces dopamine, a natural stimulant. It is activated during romantic love, contributing to feelings of focus, motivation, craving, and elation associated with being 'madly in love'.

What is the significance of the 'Dual Control Model' in understanding sexual response?

The Dual Control Model is significant because it recognizes that sexual response is not just about physical stimulation but is heavily influenced by the brain. It consists of two primary components: the sexual excitation system (accelerator) and the sexual inhibitory system (brakes). This model helps explain why some people may struggle with sexual response due to excessive activation of the 'brakes' rather than a lack of stimulation to the 'accelerator'.

How does the concept of 'responsive desire' challenge the common belief about sexual desire?

The concept of 'responsive desire' challenges the common belief that sexual desire must be 'spontaneous' by suggesting that desire can also be a response to pleasure. This understanding can help people who believe they have a desire problem realize that they might simply have responsive desire and need to find a pathway to pleasure rather than waiting for spontaneous desire.

What are some factors that can activate the 'accelerator' or sexual excitation system?

Factors that can activate the 'accelerator' include visual stimuli such as the sight of a partner, olfactory cues like the smell of a partner, engaging with erotic content like reading a sexy book or watching a romantic scene, and any sensations that are associated with pleasure.

How does the 'Desire, Arousal, Orgasm Model' differ from Masters and Johnson's Four-Phase Model of Sexual Response?

The 'Desire, Arousal, Orgasm Model' differs from Masters and Johnson's Four-Phase Model in that it explicitly includes desire as a fundamental component of sexual response. While the Four-Phase Model focuses on arousal, plateau, orgasm, and refractory period, the Triphasic Model adds the missing element of desire, allowing for a more comprehensive understanding and treatment of sexual issues.

What is the 'Cinderella effect' as described in the context of polygamous and monogamous systems?

The 'Cinderella effect' is a term used by evolutionary biologists to describe the increased vulnerability of stepchildren to abuse by their stepparents in polygamous households. It suggests that the monogamous system is preferable for the well-being of women and children, as it tends to be more stable and less prone to conflict.

How does the Christian sexual ethic differ from the Roman sexual ethic according to the transcript?

The Christian sexual ethic introduced the idea that both men and women should be chaste and that pre-marital sex should be avoided by both genders. This was a radical shift from the Roman sexual ethic, which was more permissive, allowing men to be promiscuous and unfaithful while expecting women to protect their chastity.

What are some tips for couples who want to enhance their sexual connection?

Couples can enhance their sexual connection by creating a context that allows both partners to have access to pleasure. This involves understanding and communicating about what works for each partner, being responsive to each other's desires, and focusing on pleasure as the central measure of sexual well-being.

How does the perception of pleasure differ based on context?

The perception of pleasure differs based on the external circumstances, such as the environment and situation, and the internal state, which includes emotions and mental well-being. What may be pleasurable in one context might not be in another due to the brain's interpretation of the sensations based on the current context.

What is the main takeaway from the discussion on sexual well-being?

The main takeaway is that pleasure is the key measure of sexual well-being. It's not about the frequency, the number of orgasms, or the positions, but whether the individuals involved enjoy the sex they are having and feel free from unwanted consequences.

Outlines

00:00

🧠 The Neurology of Love and Attachment

This paragraph delves into the neurological basis of sex drive, romantic love, and attachment, refuting the notion that these are mere phases. It emphasizes that these are fundamental brain systems, with sex being more of a brain process than a genital one. The speaker, anthropologist Helen Fisher, discusses the importance of maintaining these systems for a long-term, happy partnership and the challenges of discussing such topics with a partner. Fisher shares her journey into understanding the biological origins of love and marriage, and how her research led to the discovery of the brain regions associated with romantic love, such as the ventral tegmental area's role in producing dopamine, which is linked to the intense feelings of romantic love.

05:00

💔 The Brain's Response to Love Rejection

In this section, the speaker explores the brain's response to unrequited love and rejection. It questions the supernatural label assigned to romantic love by some and argues for its universal and fundamental nature. The speaker describes using brain scanners to identify the neural pathways of love and the subsequent discovery of activity in the ventral tegmental area when individuals viewed images of their romantic interests. The talk also addresses the pain associated with love rejection, drawing parallels with physical pain and the activity in brain regions linked to craving and addiction, thus framing romantic love as an addiction. The speaker advocates for understanding and respecting the intense emotions of love, whether in rejection, happiness, or long-term relationships.

10:02

💞 The Future of Love and Partnership

This paragraph discusses the future of romantic love and its enduring nature, emphasizing its primordial, adaptable, and eternal qualities. The speaker, Louise Perry, a journalist and author, presents her views on the potential rise of polyamory as a sexual minority rights movement and critiques the idea of legally recognizing polyamorous relationships. Perry argues that our Stone Age brains are not equipped to handle the rapid technological and societal changes, and thus, the monogamous model remains preferable for societal stability. The discussion also touches on the historical context of monogamy, from ancient Rome to the influence of Christianity, and the ongoing de-Christianization process. Perry highlights the importance of understanding the complexities of sexual ethics and the impact of historical and cultural factors on contemporary relationships.

15:03

🌟 Redefining Sexual Desire and Pleasure

Sex educator Emily Nagoski challenges conventional beliefs about sexual desire and pleasure in this paragraph. She introduces the concept of 'responsive desire,' which counters the widely-held notion of 'spontaneous desire.' Nagoski explains that desire is not just a random occurrence but can also be a response to pleasure. She discusses the history of sex therapy, highlighting the evolution from Masters and Johnson's Four-Phase Model to the more inclusive Triphasic Model and the Dual Control Model. The latter model emphasizes the brain's role in sexual response, distinguishing between the sexual excitation system (accelerator) and the sexual inhibitory system (brakes). Nagoski stresses the importance of creating a context that allows for pleasure and addressing the factors that inhibit sexual response. She encourages open communication with partners about sex and advocates for a compassionate approach to understanding one's own sexuality.

Keywords

💡Sex drive

Sex drive refers to the biological urge for sexual activity and is considered a fundamental brain system, not merely a phase. In the video, it is described as an essential component for the continuation of the species, driving individuals to seek out partners and engage in sexual behavior. It is also linked to the release of testosterone and other hormones that contribute to the desire for sexual activity.

💡Romantic love

Romantic love is characterized as a deep emotional attachment between two individuals, often associated with feelings of passion, intimacy, and commitment. The video emphasizes that romantic love is not a transient phase but a brain system that evolved for mating and reproduction. It is associated with the release of dopamine in the brain, which creates feelings of motivation, craving, and elation.

💡Attachment

Attachment refers to the strong emotional bond that develops between individuals, often in long-term relationships or between parents and children. In the context of the video, attachment is one of the three brain systems that are crucial for maintaining a happy and stable partnership. It is linked to the release of oxytocin, which promotes feelings of calm, security, and trust.

💡Brain systems

The term 'brain systems' in the video refers to the neurological processes and structures in the brain that govern fundamental human behaviors and emotions, such as sex drive, romantic love, and attachment. These systems are highlighted as being integral to our survival and adaptation, rather than merely cultural or temporary phenomena.

💡Anthropology

Anthropology is the scientific study of human societies, cultures, and their development. In the video, the speaker, Helen Fisher, an anthropologist, uses her expertise to explore the biological underpinnings of love and relationships, challenging the notion that these behaviors are solely shaped by culture or environment.

💡Evolutionary biology

Evolutionary biology is the scientific study of the change in populations of organisms over time through processes such as mutation, selection, and drift. The video discusses how our current mating behaviors and emotions, like sex drive and romantic love, are influenced by our evolutionary history and the adaptive pressures faced by our hunter-gatherer ancestors.

💡Dual Control Model

The Dual Control Model is a psychological theory of sexual response that posits sexual desire and arousal are regulated by two systems in the brain: the sexual excitation system (accelerator) and the sexual inhibitory system (brakes). The video explains that sexual response is not just about genital stimulation but is largely a brain process, with the brain interpreting and responding to sexual stimuli based on both excitatory and inhibitory inputs.

💡Responsive desire

Responsive desire is a concept introduced by sex educator Emily Nagoski in the video, which refers to the type of sexual desire that emerges in response to pleasure rather than spontaneously occurring. It challenges the common misconception that sexual desire must be immediate and spontaneous, offering a new perspective on understanding and addressing sexual desire issues within relationships.

💡Pleasure

Pleasure, in the context of the video, is the central measure of sexual well-being. It is not defined by the frequency, variety, or intensity of sexual activity, but rather by whether the individuals involved genuinely enjoy and are satisfied with their sexual experiences. The video emphasizes that pleasure should be the focus of sexual interactions and that understanding and prioritizing pleasure can lead to healthier and more fulfilling sexual relationships.

💡Polyamory

Polyamory is the practice of engaging in multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships with the consent of all involved. The video discusses polyamory as a potential future sexual minority rights movement, contrasting it with the traditional monogamous model. It raises questions about the adaptability of human brains to new mating structures and the potential societal implications of such changes.

💡Christian sexual ethics

Christian sexual ethics refers to the moral principles and guidelines regarding sexuality as taught by Christianity. In the video, it is mentioned that these ethics have significantly influenced Western views on sexuality, including the promotion of monogamy and the expectation of sexual restraint and fidelity within marriage. The video also suggests that these ethics may have shaped the cultural norms and legal structures around relationships and family life.

Highlights

Sex drive, romantic love, and feelings of attachment are not phases but brain systems.

Sex is more of a brain process than a genital process, acting as an accelerator or gas pedal for sex-related information.

Our brains are still adapted to the lives of our hunter-gatherer ancestors despite modern advancements.

Biology is involved in maintaining a long-term, happy partnership through sustaining the brain systems of sex drive, romantic love, and attachment.

Helen Fisher, an anthropologist, has located the areas of the brain responsible for romantic love.

Childhood experiences, such as those of Helen Fisher, can shape one's understanding of the importance of sexual attraction in a partnership.

Fisher's initial academic paper proposed that sex drive, romantic love, and attachment evolved for different reasons related to reproduction.

The ventral tegmental area (VTA) is a key brain region involved in producing dopamine and the feelings of romantic love.

Rejection in love can lead to activity in brain regions associated with pain and craving, indicating an addictive aspect to romantic love.

Long-term love involves activity in brain regions related to dopamine production, sex drive, and feelings of calm and security.

To sustain a long-term partnership, it's important to choose the right person and maintain all three brain systems.

Polyamory may become the next sexual minority rights movement, challenging the traditional monogamous model.

The monogamous system is preferred for societal stability, despite the prevalence of polygynous cultures in anthropological history.

Christianity introduced radical ideas about sexuality, including the expectation of chastity for both men and women.

The Dual Control Model of sexual response includes both a sexual excitation system (accelerator) and a sexual inhibitory system (brakes).

Sexual desire is not only about 'spontaneous desire' but also 'responsive desire,' which emerges in response to pleasure.

The perception of pleasurable sensations depends on the context in which they are experienced, both externally and internally.

Couples who maintain a strong sexual connection understand how to create a context that allows for pleasure in both partners.

The key to a satisfying sexual relationship is focusing on pleasure and ensuring all parties involved enjoy the experience without unwanted consequences.

Transcripts

A lot of people think that sex drive, romantic love,

and feelings of attachment are phases.

They're not phases, they're brain systems.

Sex is far more a brain process than a genital process.

it's the accelerator or the gas pedal,

and it notices all of the sex-related information

in the environment.

You can't have sex without a brain.

We still are basically adapted

to the lives of our hunter-gatherer ancestors.

We now have very different material conditions

in all sorts of ways.

We have the pill,

we have ways of treating sexually transmitted diseases,

we have technologies like the internet,

and therefore, why should we be beholden

to the mating structures of the past?

I think there's biology involved.

Sex drive, romantic love, and feelings of attachment:

If you want to maintain a long-term, happy partnership,

you wanna sustain all three of these brain systems.

Unfortunately, if you want to explore these ideas

with a partner,

you are going to have to talk to your partner about sex.

And there are a lot of people who feel like

having sex with their partner is a whole lot easier

than talking about sex with that same partner.

I'm Helen Fisher.

I'm an anthropologist,

and I actually know where love is in the brain.

- When I got to graduate school, they thought that the mind

was an empty slate-

'a tabula rasa.'

An environment just filled up the brain with who you were.

And as I sit there and listen to these various academics,

I thought: "That's not true."

I thought to myself: "If there's any part of human behavior

that has a biological origin,

it must be our patterns of love and marriage.

Because, as Darwin would've said, 'If you have children,

and I have no children, you live on, and I die out.'"

The game of love matters.

A lot of people think that sex drive, romantic love,

and feelings of attachment are phases.

They're not phases, they're brain systems.

I really had a wonderful childhood.

I grew up in a modern house-a glass house-

and it was thrilling.

We had a lot of land.

We could see the deer and the foxes and the possums

all around the house all the time.

I have an identical twin sister,

so I always had somebody to play with.

My father and mother really believed

that sex was an important part of a partnership.

On Saturday afternoon, we were instructed to never walk

around that side of the house

'cause it was a glass house, and you could see in.

We were never allowed to knock

on their bedroom door if it was shut.

So I knew from a small child that, when I grew up,

there were certain things in a partnership

that really should work properly, and one was

you should find your partner sexually attractive.

When I first began to study romantic love,

I wrote my very first academic paper.

It was on these three different brain systems

that I think evolved for mating and reproduction:

sex drive being one,

feelings of intense romantic love being the second,

and feelings of deep attachment being the third.

And I was maintaining in that article

that these all evolved for various reasons.

Sex drive evolved to get you out there

looking for a whole range of partners.

Romantic love evolved to enable you

to focus your mating energy on just one at a time.

And attachment evolved to enable you

to stick with this person, at least long enough

to raise a single child through infancy.

The peer reviews came back, and at least one

of the peer reviewers wrote back and said,

"You can't study this; it's part of the supernatural."

And I looked at that, and I thought to myself,

"Does this person think

that anger's part of the supernatural?

That fear is part of the supernatural?

That disgust or joy is part of the supernatural?"

Why would they think that romantic love,

a basic brain system, would be part of the supernatural?

I mean, all over the world, people everywhere fall in love.

They pine for love, they live for love,

they kill for love, and they die for love-

it's a powerful brain system.

And I thought maybe if I could put people

into a brain scanner, I could find the basic brain pathways,

the basic brain circuitry,

of these three basic brain systems.

So I assembled a team,

and began to put people in the scanner.

They would look at a picture of their sweetheart

that called forth the wonderful feelings of romantic love,

and they would also look at a photograph

of somebody who called forth no emotions;

no positive or negative emotions.

And when you put the neutral and the romantic love

on top of each other

and cancel out what they have in common,

you're left with what's going on in the brain

when you're madly in love.

I'll never forget the first moment

that I looked at our data.

What we saw was activity in a tiny little factory

near the base of the brain

called the 'ventral tegmental area.'

It's a brain region that actually makes dopamine,

a natural stimulant, and gives you that focus,

that motivation, the craving,

the elation of intense romantic love.

After we discovered this data,

a lot of people came and wanted to talk to me,

and I thought to myself at the time,

"You know, Helen, this really isn't very important.

You know, when you're madly in love with the right person,

there's no problem.

The real problem is when you've been rejected in love.

That's where I can make a contribution to humanity."

Sure enough, I was able to put 15 men and women

into the scanner who had just been dumped.

I was able to find activity in a lot of brain regions.

One brain region is that same basic ventral tegmental area,

the VTA, that pumps out the dopamine

that gives 'em the feeling of intense romantic love.

You don't stop loving somebody when they've dumped you.

I found activity in a brain region linked with pain.

This is a brain region that also becomes active

when you have a toothache.

But most important, I found activity

in three brain regions linked with craving and addiction:

Specifically, is activity in a brain region

called the 'nucleus accumbens.'

It's the basic brain region that becomes active

when you are addicted to cocaine, heroin,

alcohol, cigarettes, gambling.

And so, I was able to prove that romantic love,

when you are rejected, is an addiction.

I hope the world understands that this intense feeling

of romantic love came out of nature.

Everybody feels it, and we have to respect

the intense feelings of people

when they have been rejected in love,

when they're happily in love,

and when they're in love long-term.

My colleagues and I have put

who were in love long-term.

These were people all in their fifties and sixties

who were happily married, in love an average of 21 years,

and sure enough, we found activity

in these same brain regions.

The ventral tegmental area pumps out the dopamine,

gives you feelings of intense romantic love.

A brain region in the hypothalamus

linked with the sex drive,

and brain regions linked with calm and security.

So in long-term love, you can remain in love,

but you gotta pick the right person.

And that's what sent me into wondering, "Why him? Why her?"

Why are we so naturally drawn

to one person rather than another?

I don't think it's just culture;

I think there's biology involved.

Sex drive, romantic love, and feelings of attachment:

If you want to maintain a long-term, happy partnership,

you wanna sustain all three of these brain systems.

You wanna have sex regularly.

That drives up the testosterone system,

so you want more sex.

Sex is very good for you,

if you like the person you're having sex with.

If you wanna sustain feelings of intense romantic love,

novelty, novelty, novelty!

And you don't have to swing from chandeliers;

just ride your bicycles going out to dinner.

Walk in a different part of town.

Go on a summer vacation to someplace else.

And if you want to sustain feelings

of deep attachment, stay in touch.

Any kind of holding hands, kissing, walking arm in arm,

sitting next to each other to watch television

instead of separate armchairs.

Any kind of continued pleasant touch

drives up the oxytocin system.

So, I think what I'm working towards here

is understanding these brain circuits enough

so that we can use the data to find the right person,

that's number one, understand who they are,

that's number two,

and sustain a long-term happy partnership.

Romantic love will be with us forever.

It's primordial, it's adaptable, and it's eternal.

It will survive as long as we survive as a species.

I’m Louise Perry. I’m a journalist and author

and my book is called “The Case Against the Sexual Revolution:

A New Guide to Sex in the 21st Century”

- It seems quite plausible

that polyamory is gonna be

the next sexual minority rights movement.

Currently, of course,

marriage is defined in strictly monogamous terms,

and there are some polyamorous who said

that this is unjust,

and that their relationships

should be legally acknowledged in the same way

that monogamous people's relationships are acknowledged.

But, I think that there is a risk

of rejecting the monogamous model.

Proponents of polyamory

would say that in our species history,

the most common mating model has been the polygynous model:

So when you have one male

having multiple female partners-

that's about 80% of cultures

on the anthropological record have been polygynous,

and then the remaining

The monogamous model is the unusual one.

We now have very different material conditions

in all sorts of ways.

We have the pill,

we have ways of treating sexually transmitted diseases,

we have technologies like the internet,

and therefore, why should we be beholden

to the mating structures of the past?

This is a brave new world

with all sorts of new possibilities.

I think the problem with that defense of polyamory

is that it overestimates the extent

to which we are really capable

of controlling our Stone Age brains.

Our brains have not kept pace

with the technological change that we've seen.

We still are basically adapted

to the lives of our hunter-gatherer ancestors.

That puts a fairly hard limit

on the extent to which we can completely design utopia

on the back of an envelope.

- 'Salt Lake City, Utah,

and the home of Dr. R.C. Allred,

fundamentalist believer in plural marriage,

the practice and preachment of polygamy.'

- People are free to experiment

with all sorts of mating patterns,

including polyamory.

For some individuals,

that's good.

In terms of the whole society, though,

women and children in particular,

the monogamous system is much preferable,

for all of its flaws.

- 'Monogamous America waits for the answer

to the question:

How many wives?'

- Monogamy makes societies more stable,

more peaceful, more prosperous.

You can compare this quite directly

by looking at certain countries

which have both monogamous and polygynous systems

operating in tandem,

and you can see that there are these differences.

Households with multiple wives

are much more prone to conflict.

Stepchildren, in particular, are much more vulnerable

to abuse by their stepparents.

It's a phenomenon that evolutionary biologists

call the "Cinderella effect,"

described by Stephen Pinker

as the single greatest risk factor in child abuse

ever identified.

We've inherited our monogamous marriage system

from ancient Rome,

which is unusual in having a monogamous model.

But Roman sexual ethics were wildly different:

Roman culture, including sexual culture,

were fairly cruel and shocking.

In the Roman world,

Harvey Weinstein would've been completely unremarkable.

The idea that a rich, high-status man

should have sexual access

to his social inferiors,

in particular his slaves,

was completely unquestioned

in the era before Christianity.

Prostitution was completely permissible.

The sexual double-standard was alive and well,

and the men were basically allowed

to be as promiscuous and unfaithful as they wanted,

whereas women were expected

to protect their chastity fiercely, and so on.

And into this world, in the A.D. 1st century,

comes Christianity

with some very radical, very shocking ideas about sexuality.

The idea that, yes, women should expect to be chaste

but so should men.

The expectation that women shouldn't have pre-marital sex-

this is also applied to men for the first time ever.

Often this was a most unwelcome message

to men of the A.D. 1st century,

but for all sorts of complex historical reasons,

it caught on.

And Christian sexual ethics became the dominant force

in Europe and the colonies for 2,000 years.

And then in the 1960s and onwards,

we end up slowly unraveling the embedded Christian ideas-

and we're still on that kind of de-Christianization course.

I think that often feminists make a mistake

in assuming that there's a binary

between feminist ideas on the one hand

and Christian ideas on the other one,

and that they are necessarily in conflict.

For all of the downsides

of the Christian view of men and women and sexuality,

also there is this fundamental idea

that the weak should be prized and protected,

and the strong should restrain themselves;

which was radical then, and really remains radical now.

I'm Emily Nagoski.

I'm a sex educator, and I'm the author of "Come as You Are:

The Surprising New Science

that Will Transform Your Sex Life."

And like, it actually does.

- Virtually everything we are taught about sexuality

for the first two decades of our lives is wrong.

A lot of us were raised in what I started calling

the "desire imperative,"

that you have an obligation to experience spontaneous,

sparky desire for your partner,

and to sustain spontaneous, sparky desire for your partner

all the time.

And so there's a lot of advice about,

"How to keep the spark alive."

And what I wanna say is screw the spark.

So, how most of us think about sexual desire

is as a 'spontaneous desire' where you're just like walking

down the street, you have as stray sexy thought.

You see a stray sexy person- kaboom!

You just, you just want the sex!

And that absolutely is one of the normal healthy ways

to experience sexual desire, spontaneous desire.

It emerges in anticipation of pleasure,

but there's also 'responsive desire,'

where instead of it just appearing like a lightning bolt,

it emerges in response to pleasure.

Just that information alone can resolve people's

sexual desire problems

because they realize they don't have a desire problem,

they just have responsive desire.

So it's not about figuring out where the pleasure is,

it's finding a pathway to the pleasure.

Boom mics are really funny when you're talking about sex.

Just the boom mic was moving and I'm talking about sex,

and I'm in that mindset, and it's funny to me.

So, the history of the science of sex therapy

really has three major phases:

The first is grounded in the work of Masters and Johnson,

whose fundamental Four-Phase Model of Sexual Response

was what sex therapy was based on.

But when you listen to those phases,

you've got arousal, plateau, orgasm, refractory period-

you know what's missing in that?

Desire.

So, when Helen Singer Kaplan came along in the 1970s,

she noticed that desire was nowhere in the model

they were using to treat sexuality.

So she created the Desire, Arousal, Orgasm Model,

the Triphasic Model, and it was revolutionary to add desire,

so now we can develop interventions targeting specifically

when and how much people want sex.

And then:

Eric Janssen

and John Bancroft at the Kinsey Institute

had the wacky idea that sex works in the brain

just like all the other things in our brain,

which is that it is a pairing,

and it's called the Dual Control Model

because it's got two primary parts:

there's the sexual excitation system or accelerator,

and there's the sexual inhibitory system or brakes.

Sex is far more a brain process than a genital process.

Genitals can be fun; the brain is essential.

You can't have sex without a brain.

So the sexual excitation system is,

colloquially, it's the accelerator or the gas pedal,

and it notices all of the sex-related information

in the environment.

That's everything that you see;

everything that you hear, smell, touch, taste,

and crucially, all the sensations in your body,

and everything that you think, believe, or imagine.

What are some common things

that activate people's accelerators?

The sight of their partner, the smell of their partner,

reading a sexy book or watching a sexy scene.

And it sends the 'turn on signal'

that many of us are familiar with.

Functions unconsciously at a low level all the time.

Here we are talking about sex,

so there's just a little bit of sex-related stimuli,

but fortunately at the same time, your brakes,

the inhibitory impulses, are noticing all the good reasons

not to be turned on right now.

And it turns out when people are struggling with any aspect

of sexual response-

pleasure, desire, arousal, orgasm-

it's not usually because there's inadequate stimulation

to the accelerator,

it's because there is too much stimulation to the brakes.

And a lot of them have nothing to do with the sex itself,

but have to do with stress, body image,

trauma, and relationship issues.

So the process of becoming aroused is a dual process

of turning on the ons, and turning off the offs.

The Dual Control Model sort of makes it sound like,

"touch me here, don't touch me that way."

It could be as simple as that,

but that's not how pleasure works.

The perception of a sensation in our bodies as pleasurable

or not depends on the context in which we experience it-

and the context means the external circumstances

and our internal state.

External circumstances: the bedroom door is locked,

we know we're not gonna be interrupted.

We're wearing the sexy underwear that makes us feel sexy.

That's the external circumstances.

The internal state is whether you are stressed, depressed,

anxious, lonely, experiencing repressed rage-

we've all got it.

So there can be certain kinds of stimulation

that in one context feel amazing,

and in other context make you wanna punch somebody

in the face.

My usual example is tickling.

If you are already in a fun, flirty, playful, aroused,

trusting, loving, frame of mind,

and your certain someone tickles you,

it's not everyone's favorite,

but you can imagine a world where that feels playful

and good and can even lead to other things.

But if you're in the middle of a fight

and they tickle you, it is going to be very irritating.

"What? It's the same sensation."

It's the same certain special someone,

but the emotional context,

by which I mean the actual activation

in your brain, is different.

And so your brain interprets the sensation

as exactly the opposite.

Couples who sustain a strong sexual connection

over the long term are not couples who constantly can't wait

to like put their tongues in each other's mouths-

they're the couples who know how to co-create a context

that allows both of their brains to have access to pleasure.

The most common reaction people have when they learn

about the Dual Control Model,

especially in conjunction with responsive desire is,

"Why did no one tell me this before?"

It's a kind of freedom to know that you're already normal,

you are not broken, nothing is wrong;

you just need to work to create a context

that allows your particular brain to be ready to respond.

The mindset to bring to the process of coming to understand

who you are as a sexual person

and how you came to be this person,

is to turn toward your own internal experience

with kindness and compassion.

If you want to understand yourself,

there are worksheets that you can do.

There are lots of other books that you can read.

Talk to a therapist.

Unfortunately, if you want to explore these ideas

with a partner,

you are going to have to talk to your partner about sex.

And there are a lot of people who feel like

having sex with their partner is a whole lot easier

than talking about sex with that same partner.

So, really what it comes down to is tips

for how to talk to your partner about sex.

And one of the positive frames that you can use

is that: 'You and I belong together in a sexual way,

and I am interested in exploring the ways that we can

deepen our erotic connection.

I want to know what works for you.

I want to be able to tell you what works for me

in a way that's going to feel good to you and not critical.'

It's not about spark.

What I want is smoldering embers

for anyone in a long-term relationship

so that it is banked and ready to stoke.

And partners have a shared vocabulary

for understanding how to stoke the fire to bring it to life

for the times when you are ready.

If I could have people remember only one thing

it would be: 'Pleasure is the measure.'

It is not how often you have sex or who you have it with

or where you do it, or in what positions,

or even how many orgasms you have-

it's just whether or not you like the sex you are having.

And if everybody involved is glad to be there,

free to leave with no unwanted consequences,

and likes the sex they're having,

you're already doing it right.

And all of the other pieces,

all the other things that you could be worried about

like desire and orgasm, those things will fall into place

when you put pleasure at the center of your definition

of sexual well-being.

Want to dive deeper?

Become a Big Think member and join our members-only community

watch videos early, and watch full-length interviews.