Anxious Attachment: The Blindspot That Keeps You Repeating The Same Relationship Mistakes

Summary

In this video, Heidi Priebe discusses the challenges faced by individuals with anxious attachment styles in relationships. She explains how their openness and vulnerability, while strengths, can lead to a lack of self-protection. Priebe emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and establishing personal boundaries to avoid repeating unhealthy relationship patterns. She advises anxiously attached individuals to focus on self-awareness and personal growth to achieve secure and fulfilling relationships.

Takeaways

• 🔄 Heidi Priebe discusses how insecure attachment styles, including avoidant, anxious, and fearful-avoidant, can lead to repeating the same mistakes in relationships.
• 🌀 The tendency to repeat patterns in relationships often stems from psychological blind spots, which are areas of behavior that individuals are not consciously aware of.
• 🚴‍♀️ An analogy is used to explain the imbalance caused by focusing on strengths while neglecting blind spots, similar to a tricycle with one deflated wheel.
• 💔 Anxious attachment is characterized by a preoccupation with others' behavior, which can be both a strength and a weakness in relationships.
• 🌱 Anxious individuals are open to learning and growing through love, which is a valuable trait for forming secure relationships.
• 🚫 However, this openness can also leave individuals unprotected and vulnerable, as they may not have learned to set boundaries and protect themselves.
• 🤔 The script suggests that anxious individuals often seek partners to fulfill a savior role, expecting them to set boundaries and meet all their emotional needs.
• 🛡️ The importance of self-responsibility in relationships is emphasized, suggesting that individuals need to learn to set their own boundaries and protect themselves.
• 🧭 To break the cycle of repeating relationship patterns, anxious individuals are encouraged to focus on self-awareness and personal growth, rather than seeking an ideal partner.
• 🏡 A thought exercise is proposed where individuals consider how they would live their lives if they were certain they would never find a romantic partner, to help clarify personal values and goals.
• 🔗 The script concludes that entering a relationship with a strong sense of self and clear boundaries is key to forming healthy, secure connections.

Q & A

What is the main focus of Heidi Priebe's discussion in the script?

The main focus is on exploring how individuals with different insecure attachment styles, such as avoidant, anxious, and fearful-avoidant, tend to repeat the same mistakes in relationships and other areas of life.

Why does Heidi Priebe reference Einstein's quote about insanity in the script?

Heidi Priebe references Einstein's quote to illustrate the futility of expecting different outcomes from repeating the same behaviors, which is a common pattern for people with insecure attachment styles post-relationship.

What does Heidi Priebe mean by 'psychological blind spot' in the context of attachment styles?

A 'psychological blind spot' refers to the aspects of one's behavior or thought patterns that are not consciously recognized, which can lead to repeating the same mistakes in relationships without realizing the underlying causes.

How does Heidi Priebe describe the anxious attachment style's strength?

The anxious attachment style's strength is its incredible openness to learning through love, which allows individuals to be vulnerable and receptive to growth and learning from their partners.

What is the 'deflated wheel' that Heidi Priebe associates with the anxious attachment style?

The 'deflated wheel' refers to the lack of self-protection and self-responsibility in setting boundaries, which can cause individuals with an anxious attachment style to be overly dependent on others for emotional regulation.

Why does Heidi Priebe suggest that focusing on others' behavior can be a problem for those with anxious attachment?

Focusing on others' behavior can be a problem because it distracts from addressing one's own psychological blind spots and self-responsibility, leading to a cycle of repeating unhealthy relationship patterns.

What does Heidi Priebe recommend as a way to break the cycle of repeating relationship mistakes for those with anxious attachment?

Heidi Priebe recommends developing self-awareness, understanding one's own boundaries, and creating a life outside of romantic relationships that provides emotional security and fulfillment.

How does Heidi Priebe suggest someone with an anxious attachment style can better prepare for a healthy relationship?

By focusing on self-reflection, understanding personal values and goals, and learning to balance vulnerability with self-protection, one can prepare for a healthier relationship dynamic.

What is the importance of having a strong sense of self according to Heidi Priebe?

Having a strong sense of self is important because it helps individuals understand their boundaries and what they need to protect, which is crucial for setting healthy boundaries in relationships.

Why does Heidi Priebe emphasize the need for both vulnerability and self-protection in relationships?

Both vulnerability and self-protection are necessary for a balanced and healthy relationship. Vulnerability allows for deep connection and growth, while self-protection ensures emotional safety and boundary maintenance.

What role does self-responsibility play in breaking the cycle of unhealthy relationship patterns, as discussed by Heidi Priebe?

Self-responsibility plays a critical role in breaking the cycle of unhealthy relationship patterns by encouraging individuals to take charge of their emotional needs and boundaries, rather than relying on partners to fulfill those roles.

Outlines

00:00

🔄 Understanding Attachment Styles

Heidi Priebe introduces the topic of attachment styles, focusing on how insecure attachment patterns can lead to repetitive mistakes in relationships and other areas of life. She emphasizes that everyone reflects after a bad situation, aiming to avoid repeating the same mistakes. However, people often overlook their psychological blind spots, which are crucial for learning and growth. The analogy of a tricycle with deflated wheels is used to illustrate the importance of addressing these blind spots to move forward effectively.

05:03

🌱 Strengths and Weaknesses of Anxious Attachment

This section delves into the anxious attachment style, highlighting its strength as an openness to learn through love and vulnerability. Heidi explains how this openness is vital for forming secure relationships but also points out the potential weakness of lacking self-protection. The discussion contrasts the ideal vulnerability of a child with the need for adults to balance this with self-protection and boundary-setting. The summary stresses the importance of self-regulation and boundary communication in maintaining healthy relationships.

10:05

🔄 Shifting from Victim to Victor

Heidi discusses the tendency of anxiously attached individuals to focus on others' behavior rather than their own self-responsibility. She explains that while it's important to identify red flags in partners, the real solution lies in understanding and addressing one's own psychological blind spots. The narrative encourages individuals to take responsibility for their own boundaries and to develop a strong sense of self, which is crucial for setting healthy boundaries in relationships.

15:06

💡 Prioritizing Self-Growth for Healthy Relationships

The final paragraph emphasizes the importance of self-knowledge and personal growth for those with anxious attachment styles. Heidi suggests imagining life without a romantic partner to clarify personal goals and values. She advises on balancing the desire for a partner with a strong sense of self, ensuring that one's identity and happiness are not solely dependent on finding an ideal partner. The summary underscores the idea that a healthy relationship requires both vulnerability and self-protection, and that personal fulfillment should come from within, not just from a relationship.

Keywords

💡Attachment Styles

Attachment styles refer to the dynamics of a person's emotional connections with others, typically rooted in early childhood experiences. In the video, the focus is on insecure attachment styles such as avoidant, anxious, and fearful-avoidant, which can lead individuals to repeat relationship mistakes. The script discusses how these styles manifest in romantic relationships and other areas of life.

💡Insecure Attachment

Insecure attachment describes a pattern of behavior in relationships where individuals struggle with feelings of anxiety, avoidance, or a combination of both. The video script uses the example of someone with an anxious attachment style being overly preoccupied with their partner's behavior, which can lead to an unhealthy dynamic if not balanced with self-protective behaviors.

💡Blind Spot

A psychological blind spot refers to aspects of one's behavior or thinking that are not easily recognized or acknowledged. In the context of the video, it is suggested that people with insecure attachment styles often have blind spots that prevent them from seeing their own contribution to relationship issues, such as a lack of self-boundary setting.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the state of being open to emotional exposure and potential hurt. The script highlights that while vulnerability is crucial for forming secure relationships, it must be balanced with self-protection to avoid being exploited or feeling undefended. Anxious attachment types are described as highly vulnerable, which can be both a strength and a weakness.

💡Self-Protection

Self-protection in the video refers to the ability to set boundaries and maintain a sense of self when in a relationship. It is contrasted with vulnerability and is essential for individuals with anxious attachment styles to develop. The script suggests that without self-protection, one might end up in a relationship that is not balanced or healthy.

💡Red Flags

Red flags are warning signs that indicate potential problems or unhealthy dynamics in a relationship. The video discusses how individuals with anxious attachment styles might focus on identifying red flags in partners from past relationships, but fail to address their own blind spots, which can lead to repeating the same mistakes.

💡Self-Regulation

Self-regulation is the ability to manage one's own emotions and behaviors. The script emphasizes that for a relationship to be secure, both partners need to be able to self-regulate and not rely solely on the other for emotional support. Anxious attachment types are encouraged to develop self-regulation to complement their natural openness.

💡Boundaries

Boundaries are the limits or edges that a person sets around their behavior, space, and emotional well-being. In the video, boundaries are discussed as a critical component of healthy relationships, especially for those with anxious attachment styles who might otherwise be overly accommodating or lack self-protection.

💡Ideal Partner

The concept of an 'ideal partner' refers to the expectations and desires one has for a romantic partner. The video script cautions against placing too much emphasis on finding an ideal partner who will 'fix' all problems, as this can lead to disappointment and perpetuate unhealthy attachment patterns.

💡Self-Responsibility

Self-responsibility is the recognition that one is accountable for their own well-being and actions within a relationship. The video emphasizes that individuals with anxious attachment styles need to develop a stronger sense of self-responsibility to avoid relying on partners to meet all their emotional needs.

💡Emotional Safety

Emotional safety is the feeling of being protected from emotional harm in a relationship. The script suggests that individuals need to learn when and where it is safe to be vulnerable, which is crucial for those with anxious attachment styles who may struggle with knowing when to let their guard down.

Highlights

Heidi Priebe discusses the impact of insecure attachment styles on relationships and other areas of life.

Insecure attachment styles include avoidant, anxious, and fearful-avoidant.

People often fail to break the cycle of repeating mistakes in relationships due to psychological blind spots.

Reflecting on past relationships is essential but not sufficient; one must address blind spots.

Anxious attachment style is characterized by a preoccupation with others' behavior.

Anxious individuals are open to learning and growing through love, which is a strength.

Vulnerability is necessary for secure relationships, but it must be balanced with self-protection.

Anxious individuals may lack self-protective mechanisms, leading to a lack of boundaries.

Self-responsibility is often overlooked by those with anxious attachment, expecting partners to set boundaries.

Healthy relationships require both partners to be aware of and communicate their boundaries.

Anxious individuals often focus on their partner's flaws to avoid addressing their own issues.

To form a secure relationship, one must balance vulnerability with self-regulated behavior.

Anxious individuals need to develop a stronger sense of self to set effective boundaries.

Heidi suggests imagining life without a romantic partner to clarify personal goals and boundaries.

Having a life outside of a partnership reduces the pressure on the relationship to fulfill all needs.

The ability to switch between being vulnerable and self-protective is crucial for a secure partnership.

Heidi emphasizes the importance of not relying on a partner to redeem one's life or provide all emotional regulation.

A secure sense of self and clear boundaries contribute to a healthier and more successful relationship.

Transcripts

hey guys I'm Heidi Priebe welcome back

to my Channel or welcome to my channel

if you're new here today we are

continuing a series on each of the

attachment Styles each of the insecure

attachment Styles so avoidant anxious

and fearful avoidant and what it is that

causes them to perpetually make the same

types of mistakes in relationships and

this can be applied not just to

relationships but to basically any area

of your life where your attachment

patterning is showing up so for a lot of

people that might be work it might be

friendships or family relationships but

the relationships that tend to be the

most painful and kind of causes the most

distress tend to be romantic

relationships so we're going to focus

predominantly on those throughout the

course of this video but feel free to

take this and apply it to whatever area

of your life it applies to

so I want to start off by saying that I

do not think that anybody of any

attachment style secure avoidant anxious

fearful avoidant gets out of a bad

relationship or finishes some period of

their life where things went really

wrong and goes okay I'm gonna do no

reflecting I'm just gonna Barrel forward

into the future and do the exact same

thing again and hope for different

results there's an Einstein quote that

goes something along the lines of

insanity is doing the same thing over

and over again and expecting different

results and so what I'm not here to do

is call anybody insane I believe from

the bottom of my heart that almost

everybody once exiting a bad situation

does take the time to reflect and go

okay what could I do differently in the

future right how can I avoid falling

back into that same kind of trap that I

was in in my last relationship my last

job my last friend group and how do I

make sure that in the future I'm not

doing more of the same thing and then

for a lot of us what happens is we we go

into the next situation that looks

different on the surface but down the

line ends up repeating the same pattern

and then a lot of us are like okay how

did I end up here like I really thought

I had internalized some of these red

flags figured out where some of these

problem areas are and yet I got more of

the same thing in a different form right

and the reason this happens and it

happens for all insecure Styles in

particular is because most of the time

the repetitive problems that we

experience in life are originating from

a psychological blind spot so what we

tend to do when we're reflecting on past

situations is go okay what did I do well

right and then the natural impulse is to

double down on that but what we tend to

neglect is the information that's in our

blind spot so the things we are doing

that we don't know we're doing because

our brains have kind of hidden this

information from ourselves and the thing

is that's the stuff we actually need to

learn from so I want you to think of it

kind of like you're riding a tricycle

and you have two wheels on the back

right and one of them is completely

deflated and the other one is kind of

half pumped up and so what we do when

we're trying to double down on our

strengths but we have an insecure

attachment style it's kind of like we're

trying to take the wheel that's already

partially inflated and pump it up even

more right because we can't see the

other wheel that's in our blind spot and

then we might get on our bike our

tricycle and go okay I'm 100 sure now

that this wheel is so pumped up it's so

round it functions so well and then we

get on that bike and start immediately

driving in circles because a tricycle

needs its two back wheels in order to

move forward in a straight Direction so

for the anxious attachment style what is

that wheel that strength that you have

that thing you do really well and what

is that deflated wheel that's going to

cause you to go in circles until you

attend to it that's what we're going to

talk about out over the course of this

video so that's a long way of saying

what we're going to look at here is what

your strengths naturally are in

relationships and how that strength if

left unbalanced can actually become a

weakness or a vice something that's

holding you back from what you want so

for the anxious attachment style that

over inflated wheel is preoccupation or

fixation on other people's behavior

so let's talk about why this is a

strength and then we'll talk about why

it holds you back so the anxious

attachment style I think more so than

any other attachment orientation has

this incredible openness to learning

through love and that sounds like a

simple thing when you say it but coming

from the other side of the spectrum I

can promise this is not available to a

lot of people this is not a skill that

particularly Those Who air more avoidant

really know how to access and use inside

of themselves and it's an incredible

incredible trait that having this

attachment orientation allows you to

access frequently so when those who have

an anxious attachment style go into

relationships they tend to go in very

much with their hearts open and their

souls bared ready to learn ready to grow

with their partner ready to be taught

through the process of loving someone

and I think that that is an absolutely

vital component of making a relationship

work the ability to go you know what I'm

willing to table or suspend a lot of the

things that I strongly think and believe

and really be open to learning about

another person learning about their

experience of being alive what it's like

to be them in this world and allow

myself to be transformed and changed

through the process of loving and being

loved by someone and this is something

that you absolutely need to be able to

do to form a secure partnership with

someone that vulnerability and that

openness to let yourself be seen

completely by another person is an

absolutely vital component of love and

you should not lose it

but let's talk about what happens when

we don't balance out that strength with

the other side of things so when you

have someone who is completely

vulnerable completely open completely

willing to accept and run towards

whatever love they're able to find what

you also have is a person who isn't

particularly protected and in a best

case scenario this type of vulnerability

and openness is what we come into the

world with right I always kind of

picture when I think of this energy like

an image of a little baby lying on its

back in the crib with its arms up above

its head just completely and totally

open and vulnerable and willing to let

the world take care of it

and that energy again is so important to

keep with us as adults but it's also an

energy that lacks self-protection right

because who is responsible for that

baby's well-being it's caretakers and as

we grow up as children if we're able if

we are raised in environments that allow

us to keep that kind of open vulnerable

energy alive in us ideally we learn

through the care and attentiveness of

the adults in our lives how to protect

ourselves alongside that so when it's

safe to be in that energy and when it's

not so safe to be there and in the cases

where it's not so safe to be in that

energy how do we protect ourselves how

do we show up for ourselves learn to set

boundaries around that energy and

understand when it's time to step out of

it so when is it time to not be a

student when is it time to not be

completely receptive and as we grow up

specifically if we grow up with secure

patterning we also learn when is it time

for me to step up into my adult self and

be protective over other people as

opposed to always being in that position

of being so vulnerable so open to being

taught and consequently leaving

ourselves undefended because here's the

thing just as much as secure relating

requires that openness and vulnerability

and willingness to compromise and work

together it also requires in perfectly

equal part the ability to stay

self-regulated to step out of our own

vulnerability and to protect and set

boundaries for ourselves and to be able

to do that on kind of a frequent daily

basis in a variety of situations right

if we are always saying yes to what

others want from us if we are that open

and that willing and that vulnerable

then somebody else inevitably has to set

our boundaries for us because we're

behaving the way a kind of innocent

trusting child would behave in the world

and I think that a lot of the time in

relationship tips when anxious

individuals are getting really angry at

their Partners the underlying anger is

coming from a place of why aren't you

setting my boundaries for me

right instead of me figuring out what do

I need to stay regulated healthy and

balanced in the world why aren't you as

my partner doing that for me why aren't

you anticipating and responding to my

needs why aren't you noticing and

responding to the ways in which this

relationship Dynamic isn't working and

what's in your blind spot here is your

own self-responsibility in a

relationship that functions healthily

both partners are aware of where their

boundaries lie and they're also able to

communicate those boundaries and that

communication of boundaries sometimes on

a daily basis is what keeps a

relationship functioning healthily as

opposed to getting enmeshed so what a

lot of anxious types tend to do when

they get out of ovarian meshed

relationship is go okay I'm going to do

what I know how to do well which is

focus intently on other people's

behavior so I'm gonna get really clear

on all of the things that my partner did

wrong all of the things about my partner

that were toxic or unhealthy all of

their behaviors that didn't work for me

and I'm going to go into the next

relationship more aware of what all of

those red flags are and so what ends up

happening is you might feel like okay in

each partnership I'm definitely getting

less and less of the really bad stuff

but I'm never quite getting there in

terms of that secure connected

relationship that I really want and the

reason that happens is that no matter

how far away you get from those really

bad behaviors you're never going to have

that secure connected relationship until

you can inflate that other wheel and

figure out how to bring a more

self-protected version of yourself into

a relationship right so that means not

seeing your partner as responsible for

setting your boundaries for you so what

you might think you're doing is working

towards a secure healthy connected

relationship but what's actually

happening is you're just shifting the

goal post in terms of what an ideal

partner looks like to you and the

problem is that as long as you are

looking for that ideal partner who is

going to take away all of your pain know

what you're thinking and feeling before

you do and respond perfectly to you all

of the time you are going to be stuck in

this Loop of suffering because there is

no partner who can do that there is no

partner who is healthy who wants to do

that and that part's really important

right if you find a partner who likes to

play that role of chronically being a

teacher and a caretaker it's likely that

that person has some unhealthy

patterning that's causing them to do

that and that's going to cause even more

problems down the line so in order to

get out of this Loop of endless

suffering the solution is not get better

and better at identifying the type of

Savior you want to find because

unconsciously that's what you're looking

for right the solution lies in

understanding that you are responsible

for teaching yourself a lot of the

things that you kind of miss the first

timer round so let's talk about what

some of those things are when we are

young and we are vulnerable and we get

hurt ideally we have a caregiver or

someone in our Lives who can teach us to

translate the pain we feel into

boundaries that we need to have in order

to set healthy boundaries we have to

kind of know who we are and what matters

to us and this is another thing that

tends to be in the blind spot for a lot

of anxiously attached individuals is

this strong sense of who am I what

matters to me in life and where am I

going in life and if you don't have

those things in place it's going to be

really hard for you to set boundaries

because you don't know what you're

protecting with your boundaries right

it's kind of like someone going okay

here is the materials to build a fence

build a fence around your land if you

have no idea what your land looks like

you don't know how to distinguish your

land from your neighbor's land it's

going to be really hard for you to

understand where it makes sense to build

a fence because you don't really know

what's with within your property and the

same is true of someone who doesn't have

a particularly strong and robust sense

of this is who I am you don't know where

to put up boundaries because you don't

really know where you end and someone

else begins and so I think that for the

anxiously attached type in particular a

really valuable exercise can be just

thinking to yourself how would I design

my life if I knew without a shadow of a

doubt that I was never going to meet my

person that some spell had been cast on

me at Birth that showed with 100

certainty my soulmate is not on their

way my partner is not arriving I'm going

to live the rest of my life without a

romantic relationship

how would you prioritize your life if

that were true

what would you spend your life doing day

to day which platonic relationships

would you strengthen with family members

or with friends or with community

members where would you start devoting

your time and attention in areas where

maybe you've neglected a little bit in

the past what would you do with your

career which Hobbies might you take up

what would you do with the abundance of

time that you have spent the majority of

your life using to fixate on other

people's behavior and the clearer you

can get on the answer to that the more

you'll start to understand why it's

important to have boundaries because if

you want all of these things for your

life if you now have goals interests

other relationships that are really

important to you now when you go into a

romantic relationship you're not going

in totally vulnerable right you're going

in partially vulnerable which again is

really important but also partially

protected and boundaried and you need to

know in order to have a healthy

relationship how to switch between those

two states as well as when it's

appropriate to be in which one it is

great to be in an open undefended

vulnerable state of existence in

situations where we're reasonably sure

that we're emotionally safe around

another person but it's not a good thing

to go in undefended to situations that

we're not sure are safe for us yet and

for a secure person it generally takes a

little while to figure out okay when and

where is it a good time for me to let my

guard down and where do I need to stay a

little bit protected and again in a

secure partnership you need to know when

it's time to step out of that vulnerable

willing to be taught energy and

understand okay right now maybe my

partner needs me to be the adult so

maybe right now it's my turn to take

what I'm feeling put it aside be

regulated and be there for someone else

right to step into that teacher role as

well as the student role at different

points in time but if you're

exceptionally good at being in that open

vulnerable student role and completely

and totally incompetent at stepping into

that self-regulated boundary role what

you have is a tricycle that's going

around in circles endlessly the way to

fix it is not by pumping up that wheel

of fixation on others and getting

clearer and clearer on what type of

partner you want to have it's about

inflating that other wheel that part of

yourself that tells you this is who I am

this is what matters to me and therefore

this is the type of relationship I'm

looking for and which boundaries I'm

going to need to have in place within

any romantic relationship I get into and

only once that wheel is really inflated

are you going to be able to move forward

in a way that makes sense and actually

gets you closer to the type of

relationship you want so I'm going to

say this in plain language one more time

if you are ancient attached and you get

out of a bad relationship and the only

preparation work you do around how to

prepare for your next relationship is to

get more and more specific about the

traits you want your partner to have you

are setting yourself up for failure in

your next relationship you need to be

balancing out what type of partner

you're looking for with information

about who you are what matters to you in

life completely outside of a partnership

and how you are going to keep that part

of yourself firmly intact in your next

relationship

and this means you should have some

significant deal breakers all healthy

people do so then when you go into your

next relationship instead of just

sitting there on the first date going

like oh please don't be toxic please

don't be toxic you can go into the first

date being like hey I really hope that

this person shares my interests and

passions I hope that we get along

because we like to talk about the same

types of things I hope that our values

and long-term goals are aligned and if

they're not cool maybe I make a friend

and that thought isn't threatening

because I'm not expecting this

relationship to be the thing that

redeems me I took the time I really got

to know myself I redeemed my

relationship with myself and now I feel

like a pretty cool competent confident

person who's looking for an equal and

who will be perfectly okay if that

person doesn't come along for a long

time because you have a life full of

people and goals and activities that you

genuinely love to the same extent that

you currently might love the idea of

finding an ideal partner and the cool

thing about coming in with that energy

is you don't need your partner to be

perfect because you can kind of switch

back and forth right when your partner

is in a bad mood when they're frustrated

when you are having a disagreement with

them because you know how to step out of

that vulnerable open energy and into

that self-protective boundaried energy

you can give your partner the space that

they need when things get tense you can

go to your friends to your work to that

life you have outside of your

partnership and regulate there instead

of needing all of your regulation and

all of your sense of self to come

through your partnership so now when

things are dicey in your partnership

it's one area of your life that is

struggling it's not your entire

self-concept going down with that ship

right which means there's a lot less

pressure on things going wrong and when

we take a lot of that pressure off it's

a lot easier for a relationship to

thrive live all right that's all I have

for today on anxious attachment and what

tends to keep this attachment style

going in circles endlessly in

relationships as always any questions

you have please leave in the comments

below I love you guys I hope you're

taking care of yourselves and your inner

children and each other and I will see

you back here again really soon

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