Rejection Sensitivity: The Real Reason You're Struggling in Relationships
Summary
TLDRВ данном видео скрипт рассматривается проблема чувствительности к отвергнению, которая является адаптивным механизмом выживания в неоптимальных средах детства. Автор объясняет, как это влияет на отношения и поведение взрослых, и предлагает методы, такие как медитация и терапия, для преодоления этой проблемы.
Takeaways
- 🧠 Режект-сенситивити — это адаптивный механизм выживания в неидеальной среде, часто связанный с детским воспитанием в домашних условиях, где не создавалось чувства безопасности.
- 🌐 Люди с высоким уровнем режект-сенситивити живут в постоянном страхе отторжения и ожидают негативных реакций окружающих, что приводит к постоянному вниманию к своим действиям и словам.
- 🚶♂️ Одним из ключевых признаков режект-сенситивити является готовое восприятие, когда нейтральные сигналы воспринимаются как отрицательные, что усиливает чувство отторжения.
- 😣 Реакция на режект-сенсититивность включает в себя эмоциональный и поведенческий перепон, что часто приводит к избыточному извинению и попыткам исправить ситуацию.
- 🧘♀️ Медитация и развитие самосожаления могут помочь уменьшить режект-сенсититивность, так как они помогают развивать способность наблюдать за своими мыслями и эмоциями без автоматической реакции.
- 🤔 Для людей с режект-сенсититивностью важно различать свои мысли от реальности и не автоматически принимать за верные собственные выводы о том, как другие воспринимают их.
- 👥 Групповая коучинг или подобные формы взаимодействия могут быть полезны для людей с режект-сенситивинти, так как они предоставляют безопасное пространство для изучения и переобучения поведенческих реакций.
- 🧠 Мозг людей, которые испытывают режект-сенситивинти, отличается в активности определенных регионов, таких как дорсолтеральную часть коры, что подтверждает биологическую природу этой вязкости.
- 👨⚕️ Хотя режект-сенситивинти может быть связано с различными психологическими расстройствами, его можно обработать и переобучить, даже если диагностическое покрытие этих условий отсутствует.
- 💡 Осознание и понимание режект-сенситивити — это первый шаг к изменению поведения и восстановлению здоровых отношений с окружающими.
Q & A
Что такое чувствительность к отвергнению?
-Чувствительность к отвергнению - это адаптивный механизм выживания в неидеальном окружении, часто связанный с детским воспитанием в условиях, когда ребенок чувствует себя небезопасным или незащищенным.
Каковы два типа людей, о которых говорится в скрипте?
-Существуют те, кто живет сложными отношениями, постоянно боясь отрицательных реакций окружающих, и те, кто живет без подобных страхов, не беспокоясь о том, что другие могут быть разозлены на них.
Какие области жизни могут быть затронуты чувствительностью к отвергнению?
-Чувствительность к отвергнению может проявляться как в работе, так и в романтических, дружеских или семейных отношениях.
Чему приравнивается воспитание в семье, связанном с чувствительностью к отвергнению?
-Воспитание в семье, связанном с чувствительностью к отвергнению, может быть сравнено с тем, как ребенок живет в постоянной опасности отца или матери, которые могут быть грубыми или необразованными.
Какие три ключевых особенности чувствительности к отвергнению упоминаются в скрипте?
-Три ключевых особенности: а) тревожное ожидание, б) искажение восприятия нейтральных стимулов и в) чрезмерная реакция как на эмоциональном, так и на поведенческом уровнях.
Какие стратегии адаптации рекомендуются для борьбы с тревожным ожиданием?
-Для борьбы с тревожным ожиданием рекомендуется проводить нейтральные взаимодействия, не перегибая руку и не переагирая на них.
Чем отличается восприятие нейтральных стимулов людьми с чувствительностью к отвергнению?
-Люди с чувствительностью к отвергнению склонны интерпретировать нейтральные стимулы как отрицательные и часто винить себя в таких ситуациях.
Как медитация может помочь в преодолении чувствительности к отвергнению?
-Медитация, особенно с фокусом на самосочувствии, может помочь развивать самосочувствие и создавать расстояние между личными переживаниями и реакциями, что способствует нереактивности.
Какие другие методы помогают в борьбе с чувствительностью к отвергнению?
-Кроме медитации, могут быть полезны индивидуальная или групповая психологическая поддержка, терапия и саморазработка стратегий для изменения поведения.
Почему стратегии, которыми пользовались в детстве, могут быть неэффективны в взрослой жизни?
-Стратегии, такие как избегание и апологetics, могут быть неэффективны в взрослой жизни, так как взрослые отношения не гарантированы и излишняя избегание или апологetics могут отпугнуть других.
Outlines
😔 Решение чувствительности к отвергнению
Раздел 1 обсуждает чувствительность к отвергнению как адаптивный механизм выживания в неоптимальных средах, часто связанных с детским воспитанием. Авторы рассматривают два типа людей: те, кто живет в отношениях на 'сложном' режиме, и те, кто кажется неосязаемыми отвергнениям. Разница в поведении связана с тем, как каждый из них воспринимает социальные ситуации и возможные отрицательные реакции окружающих. В видео рассматривается, как развивается чувствительность к отвергнению, и что это такое на уровне психологии и нейробиологии.
🧠 Механизмы чувствительности к отвергнению
Раздел 2 углубляется в особенности чувствительности к отвергнению, такие как ангстральный ожидание, искажение восприятия нейтральных сигналов и преувеличение реакций. Авторы объясняют, что это качество не просто психологическое, но и физиологическое, подтвержденное исследованиями мозга. Также рассматривается, как эти механизмы могут быть развитием в детстве в ответ на требования неоптимальных условий окружения.
🤔 Как преодолеть чувствительность к отвергнению
В этом разделе рассматриваются стратегии для преодоления чувствительности к отвергнению, включая наблюдение за собственным поведением и мыслями, стремление к нейтральным взаимодействиям и умение не реагировать на восприятие отвержений. Авторы подсказывают, что самообвинение и преувеличение проблем - частные случаи для таких людей и как их можно исправлять.
🧘♀️ Медитация и самосожаление
Раздел 4 фокусируется на роли медитации и самосожаления в преодолении чувствительности к отвергнению. Авторы утверждают, что медитация может помочь развивать самосожаление и умение быть наблюдателем своих социальных реакций, что способствует уменьшению чувствительности к негативным восприятиям.
🤝 Групповая коучинг и работа с отвергнением
В заключении авторы предлагают групповой коучинг как среду для практики и изменения поведения в отношении чувствительности к отвергнению. Группа предоставляет безопасное пространство для испытания и изменения социальных реакций без последствий, что может помочь индивидуам развивать более здоровые способы взаимодействия.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Отторжение
💡Чувствительность к отторжению
💡Адаптивный механизм
💡Ансамбль стратегий
💡Гипервязательность
💡Переоценка
💡Эмоциональная реакция
💡Автоматические мысли
💡Медитация
💡Терапия
Highlights
Introduction to rejection sensitivity and its impact on relationships
Comparison between people with high rejection sensitivity and those who seem oblivious to it
The idea that rejection sensitivity is an adaptive survival mechanism in non-ideal environments
Example of how growing up in an abusive or neglectful household can lead to rejection sensitivity
How children in such environments develop survival mechanisms to avoid caregiver's disapproval
The experience of 'walking on eggshells' and hyper vigilance to moods in the household
The difference in brain activity between those sensitive to rejection and those who are not
The three key features of rejection sensitivity: anxious expectation, ready perception, and overreaction
How neutral stimuli are perceived negatively by those with rejection sensitivity
The challenge of unlearning avoidant behaviors that were once adaptive in childhood
The paradox that relationships in adulthood are not constant, unlike childhood relationships with parents
Strategies for managing rejection sensitivity: having neutral interactions and not overreacting
The importance of not overreacting to neutral stimuli and self-blame
The role of meditation and self-compassion in reducing rejection sensitivity
How group coaching can provide a safe space to examine and reprogram social reactions
The metaphor of learning to swim with a life vest versus without, illustrating the transition from childhood to adulthood
The hope for reprogramming oneself to better navigate relationships and social interactions
Transcripts
today we're going to talk about
rejection sensitivity
[Music]
look at the world there are kind of two
types of people there's one group of
people that are sort of living
relationships on hard mode where they're
kind of constantly in their heads about
okay if I say this is going to piss
someone off what will they think about
me they're sort of always walking on
eggshells relationships feel really
really hard whether they're at work
whether they're romantic relationships
or even friendships or family
relationships and if you're one of those
people you look at other people and
you're like how is this even possible
there are some people out there who are
like yeah you know if people get pissed
off at what I do that's their problem
you know I can't be shaping my behavior
to try to make other people happy I
gotta live for myself and for some of us
that seems like incredibly foreign in
our mind our experience is completely
different we're constantly thinking
about okay what is this person going to
think what is this person going to do
how can I avoid having this person like
get mad at me and we're sort of
hypersensitive to that stuff and the
really frustrating thing is is that when
we look at these people who are sort of
like oblivious to relationship stuff
they seem to be like living kind of like
happy-go-lucky oblivious sort of lives
and they also seem to have like
friendships and things like that they
can also do really well at work right
because they're kind of like extroverted
and outgoing and if they screw up
they're like lol hi screwed up and
everyone laughs at them and meanwhile
you were at work and you're like oh my
God I screwed up what are people gonna
think am I gonna get fired is everyone
going to hate me and it just feels like
there's these two completely different
ways of living life the hard thing is
that as we sort of look towards those
people who are kind of oblivious about
this stuff they don't seem to be
thinking about it it doesn't really
bother them we actually kind of want to
be like them right we want to be happy
go lucky we want to be a little bit out
of our own heads we want to be able to
set our boundaries the challenge though
is that we can't really do what they do
right and we may even list talk to them
uh and ask for advice or we may sort of
like hear about advice from the internet
where people are like just do this like
set your boundaries right like let your
boss know that this is not okay let your
parents know that this is not okay this
is unacceptable and so we can kind of
say stuff like that but with the people
who are giving that kind of advice
aren't really like sensitive to
rejection so the Playbook that they're
using is different from the Playbook
that we're using the life that they're
living in even the brains that they have
are actually very different from ours
because rejection sensitivity is a very
real thing and today we're going to talk
a little bit about how we develop
rejection sensitivity a little bit about
how it manifests and some more about
what to do about it so let's talk about
how rejection sensitivity develops so
generally speaking rejection sensitivity
is actually an Adaptive survival
mechanism to a non-ideal environment
growing up so we're going to give you
all kind of an extreme example of this
okay so let's say that I'm in a
household where I don't feel safe or
secure the most most classic example is
like a parent who is abusive or
neglectful so what people sort of learn
what children learn is a survival
mechanism is how can I read any kind of
subtle sign from my parenting figure or
caregiver about what their mood is and
how can I avoid pissing them off right
so if caregivers sort of blame you for
their bad mood and they punish you for
like annoying them then you will become
sensitive to rejection so what this
experience kind of feels like for people
is like you're kind of walking on
eggshells you're hyper Vigilant to the
mood of people within the household and
sometimes when I talk to people who have
really been in traumatic situations I'll
ask them how long does it take you to
know whether you're like in for a bad
night and they'll say they can tell
within seconds the second my mom or dad
walks in the door I can tell based on
like it's it's so rapid and it's
unconscious I know already that I need
to go into survival mode and what these
people will end up doing is they'll
engage in some kinds of behaviors that
are actually survive level or adaptive
Orient or adaptations such as becoming
invisible right or being very very
careful about what you say or what you
do because you don't want to trigger
some kind of negative sort of situation
and if you kind of think about the child
in this situation this situation does
not feel safe or secure and since it's
not safe or secure we can't do anything
even remotely risky and what we have to
learn how to do is play it safe and if
you grow up in a household like this you
will grow up as someone who is rejection
sensitive and this by the way is not
something that like people kind of made
up this is something that's very been
very scientifically validated they're
actually questionnaires that you can
take that will actually measure the
level of rejection sensitivity you have
and people have also done brain scans on
people who are sensitive to rejection
and found that their brains are
different for example one study looked
at activity in the dorsal interior
cingulate cortex which you don't have to
get into too much of the specifics but
the key thing about these brain scan
studies is that they find that some
people are sensitive to specifically
disapproval and that some parts of their
brain will light up and will become
hyperactive when there's any kind of
disapproval on their radar they don't
respond this way to even things like
anger or fear or other negative emotions
but when they see a facial expression of
disapproval their brain kind of lights
up like a Christmas tree so this is
absolutely something that is an
adaptation and shapes the way that our
brain is formed so what are the key
features of rejection sensitivity there
are three of them the first is anxious
expectation so people who are sensitive
to rejection are always worried and
almost expecting to be rejected so what
this results in is in social situations
a sense of hyper vigilance where you're
constantly thinking or even waiting to
be rejected so you can't just be
yourself and relax you have to
constantly think about okay if I say
this how is this person going to respond
if I show up at work and I'm wearing
this clothing will this person and start
to think oh my God I'm trying to copy
them so you're constantly thinking about
and expecting some sort of rejection the
second feature of rejection sensitivity
is ready perception now what does this
mean this means that there are actually
neutral stimuli in the environment that
you will perceive as negative and there
have been studies done on this as well
where someone may say like let's say you
text someone and then they don't respond
right away so this is somewhat like of a
neutral stimulus it doesn't mean that
they dislike you doesn't mean that they
hate you but if you are someone who is
prone to rejection what that means is
that your brain will interpret a neutral
stimulus in a negative way and this
explains why people who are sensitive to
rejection have such difficult
experiences of life because there's
actually a lot of neutral or benign
stimuli out there but our brains are
going to interpret them as like negative
towards us and this sort of leads to the
third aspect of rejection sensitivity
which is overreaction so this is where
either emotionally or behaviorally where
first of all anxiously expecting and
then we're over interpreting neutral
stimuli which then results in an
overreaction right so if I text someone
and they don't text me back suddenly I
feel terrible my amygdala and my
hippocampus will sort of like hyper
activate my limbic system hyper
activates I feel a ton of negative
emotion and then I suddenly start
copiously apologizing for texting them
and disturbing them right so what your
life sort of feels like if you're
sensitive to rejection what it actually
looks like is that they're all kinds of
like neutral or maybe negative stimuli
you perceive them as negative and then
you're constantly apologizing constantly
walking on eggshells constantly trying
to fix relationships that you seem to
always screw up and so this is all
mediated by stuff going on in the brain
now the tricky thing about rejection
sensitivity is as we mentioned earlier
it's actually a survival mechanism and
the real problem that people who are
sensitive to rejection run into is that
this is kind of like learning a survival
strategy that then stops helping you
survive and actually causes you problems
later on in life and so there's one key
thing to understand here which is that
when you learn these kinds of avoidant
behaviors right because by the way
you're tired of pissing people off and
you keep on screwing up so the best
thing to do is to retract from the
relationship so if you kind of think
about how we learn these strategies
these strategies are usually learned in
the home so there's one key thing that's
very different about growing up with
rejection sensitivity and living as an
adult with rejection sensitivity and
that is when you're growing up the
relationship is actually constant or
guaranteed right so I want you all to
think about a six-year-old or a
seven-year-old who's learning these
adaptive strategies as they learn to
withdraw and avoid people because we're
tired of pissing people off and we keep
on screwing up that parent is still
going to be there tomorrow they're going
to still be there the next day in the
next day in the next month in the next
year so we learn this sort of adaptive
strategy of avoidance in a situation
where the relationship can never be
ruptured right if I start avoiding
people like my parents are still going
to be there every day so the
relationship is in a kind of constant
state that will never result in like
them withdrawing from you because it's a
parental relationship the real struggle
that people with rejection sensitivity
have is as they move out into the world
those relationships are not constant
those relationships are not guaranteed
and so what happens is a lot of the
strategies that we use which is learning
how to be invisible walking on eggshells
and avoiding situations will actually
negatively impact our relationships
right because if I start to be really
avoidant with a friend of mine or
someone that I I'm even starting to date
or a boss and I'm like dodging text
messages because I'm afraid of pissing
them off what I will end up doing is
piss them off I'll come across as aloof
I'll come across as uninvested I'll come
across as busy and then people will
start to retreat from us and that this
creates a really challenging conundrum
for someone who's sensitive to rejection
because oh my my God now this person is
retreating what did I do wrong and
that's when you you kind of get
paralyzed right because you don't you
want to do more you want to pull them
back in but you grew up in a situation
that did not teach you how to pull
people back in did not teach you how to
engage with people because actually the
survival strategy when you were growing
up is go go invisible and become
avoidant so now the natural question
kind of becomes okay so what do we do
about this right and this is where we're
going to Tunnel down into the three
features of rejection sensitivity a
little bit more so the first is anxious
expectation so this is where If You
observe yourself when you interact with
people what you'll kind of discover is
that your mind is on high alert and one
of the key things that you can do to
kind of overcome this is try to have as
many neutral interactions as you can so
why does your mind always exist on high
alert it always exists on high alert
because it learned to be in high alert
right like you learned that okay we need
to be constantly in high alert because
we are constantly in danger so one of
the most important things that you can
do is to have as many neutral
interactions as possible and don't
overreact to them so if you go and hang
out with people try to have it just be
neutral right so like you don't have to
knock it out of the park you don't need
to like piss people off but just try to
hang out with people and over time as
long as you're kind of neutral that sort
of anxious expectation will start to
decrease we basically want to give our
brain more data about how people will
react to us because we don't want to use
the conclusions from childhood the
second thing that we need to be a little
bit careful about is how we react to
neutral stimuli and this is where people
who are sensitive to rejection really
negotiate against themselves when it
comes to social situations so you will
take any kind of neutral situation or
any kind of situation and you will first
of all assume the worst and secondly
blame yourself the most right so if
someone says hey I'm sorry I can't hang
out today or they cancel the last minute
you're not going to interpret that as oh
this person is flaky or they're sick or
this is a problem on their end you are
automatically going to interpret that as
a problem on your end so you need to
really be aware of the way that you
actually like give yourself very little
credit and you give them a bunch of
credit and you'll you're sort of really
willing to negotiate yourself and always
take on the mantle of being the bad guy
because remember in the household that
you grew up in whose fault was it if
mommy or daddy were mad it was your
fault you need to be quieter I can't
believe you didn't put away your toys
and they kind of blame you for all this
kind of stuff so you get into a pattern
of blaming yourself so become aware of
that pattern and the third thing is that
people who are sensitive to rejection
tend to overreact both emotionally and
behaviorally and so that's where I know
this sounds really really really hard
but when you are in a situation where
you feel rejected just stall just
procrastinate just don't do anything
don't do anything to make them happy
because remember that your mind may be
over interpreting or incorrectly
interpreting how they feel about the
situation so don't like don't react so
you'll have these very powerful drivers
within you that say oh my God I screwed
up I screwed up I screwed up what do I
need to do what do I need to do to fix
it let me send them flowers let me do
this let me apologize over and over and
over again because until I apologize
I can't tolerate this feeling of
negativity but as you start to overly
apologize and take responsibility for
stuff that is not your responsibility
what happens to the relationship
sometimes they're like oh my God this
person is like so clingy like I don't
even know like I can't manage this
person's negative emotions like they're
overly apologizing I don't know what to
do so they can start to withdraw or
sometimes what's even worse is they will
play into it they're like yeah
everything is your fault and I feel this
way because you screwed up and the worst
thing that someone who's sensitive
rejection can do is find someone who
will Tango with them find someone who
will actually be like willing to dance
that dance with them because then what
ends up happening is you find yourself
in an abusive relationship where you
have you're now in a relationship with
someone and that could be friendship
could be boss could be romantic where
they you're willing to take the blame
all the time and hey by the way they're
narcissistic so they're totally happy
blaming you all the time so the key
thing there is to try to just not react
try to stall as much as possible and try
to tolerate that negativity as best as
you can now this is where we kind of got
to talk about a couple of other
interventions there are several studies
on meditation that show that meditation
actually mediates improvements in
rejection sensitivity and specifically
what meditation teaches is some stuff
like self-compassion so there are some
studies that have even tunnel down into
okay what aspect of meditation is
responsible for improving rejection
sensitivity and it turns out that
self-compassion is a key part of so
let's think a little bit about how this
works so as we start to meditate and
especially if we do self-compassion
meditations which you all can find on
our YouTube channel or you can sort of
check out Dr K's guide as you start to
do these meditations you start to
develop compassion towards yourself and
as you develop compassion towards
yourself you start to not always be at
fault if you're not always at fault or
someone that people are just waiting to
reject then you can start to really like
start to interact with people and kind
of a healthier way right because if they
don't text you back oh that has nothing
to do with me because I'm actually a
decent human being so it's not
necessarily my fault and so this is one
way in which meditation can really help
us address these kinds of things another
mechanism through which meditation can
help with rejection sensitivity is that
it helps us be observers of our own
internal environment right so the
problem with a rejection sensitivity is
that our mind produces conclusions that
we automatically believe to be true oh
yeah this person is not texting me back
because I'm not worth texting back and
so what we actually want to do what
meditation can help us do is create
distance between our own experiences and
can lead to actually non-reactivity
which is one of the key things that we
really want to fix when it comes to
rejection sensitivity sensitivity now if
you're listening to this and you're kind
of saying okay so like what are you
saying I should just tldr meditate well
that's like if you want to DIY it right
if you're listening to this up until
this point you're saying that sounds
really hard and it sounds really hard
for me to kind of fix this sounds like
I've tried meditation before and it's
hard to do well we're happy to lay out
with you how you can DIY it but this is
where frankly like diying it is hard so
the real question that you've got to ask
is like okay if you can handle this you
should absolutely do it here's the road
forward but it can be a little bit of a
bumpy road the other challenge here is
that sometimes therapy can be helpful
for rejection sensitivity so for example
rejection sensitivity is coral tightly
correlated with Borderline Personality
Disorder with mood disorders with
anxiety disorder with body dysmorphia so
it's correlated with all these mental
illnesses that you can get diagnosed and
treated for and if you get diagnosed and
treated for those conditions chances are
the rejection sensitivity will improve
so if you feel like this is too much to
do on your own you can absolutely work
with a therapist or psychiatrist who can
help you with some of these other
conditions as well the real challenge
about working with therapists or
psychiatrists though is that none of us
are really formally trained or very few
of us are formally trained in rejection
sensitivity what we're trained in is are
those diagnoses and this is where things
get really tricky because it's possible
to have rejection sensitivity without
one of those diagnoses and remember that
rejection sensitivity can kind of
correlate with each of those things so
the cool thing is that through research
we've really understood that like
actually rejection sensitivity is a
adaptation of the brain it's a
particular wiring or conditioning that
can be deconditioned and you can
actually Target that specifically and
this is where like we sort of understand
this stuff which is why we kind of like
built our coaching programs so as an
example like group coaching was sort of
designed to help people with the stuff
that therapists sort of aren't great at
necessarily helping with so we're not
really substitute therapy and we don't
try to be substitute therapy what we
really try to do is help people with
things like emotional awareness
rejection sensitivity awareness of
interactions and so group coaching is a
good example of this because what we do
in group coaching and by the way you
don't have to sign up for group coaching
if you can find an environment we're
going to lay out what we try to
accomplish in group coaching that you
can absolutely try to craft for yourself
okay so in group coaching you're with a
group of people so you're anxiously
expecting that you're going to piss
someone off and when you feel that way
the group is an environment where you
can share those feelings and you can say
I feel terrible about myself and then
this is where people with compassion and
authenticity will help you dig into that
feeling and what we're going to sort of
create is this artificial social space
where you can kind of like examine your
reactions we're going to evoke those
reactions but we're not going to kick
you out of the group we're not going to
stop texting you and this is the real
value of group is that there's no other
part to the relationship right so we
don't care like we're not planning on
playing video games we're not going to
be friends we're not going to date we're
not going to go into business together
it is literally a place for you to
engage in examine your social
interactions and actually start the
process of Repro programming so this is
what we try to create is situations
where like you're going to have feelings
we're going to invite you to share your
feelings we'll even inquire if we notice
you're quiet we'll sort of say like hey
what makes it hard for you to engage
with us do you feel comfortable asking
answering questions and so people will
kind of like bring you in there they'll
bear that responsibility and what we
tend to see when we sort of create this
kind of situation and once again it
doesn't have to be group coaching but if
you can create any kind of situation
where you can have some of these
explorations of your reactions to
conversation to kind of social cues and
things like that then you can really
start to unravel that and start to
reprogram yourself so as it turns out if
you're kind of looking at other people
who seem to be able to socialize like
really freely and are like kind of like
yeah I don't really mind if I piss other
people off because that's on them and
that idea is very enviable to you but
also seems foreign to your like how on
Earth can you do that I'm terrified
constantly of pissing people off and
there's all kinds of relationships that
I end up screwing up and maybe even
you've gone to a therapist or
psychiatrist and you've tried to figure
out what's going on but you don't even
meet diagnostic criteria for something
like social anxiety disorder it turns
out that there's this whole other thing
that we actually have a growing body of
research on and that is rejection
sensitivity the reason our brain is
wired like this is because these were
actually adaptive survival mechanisms
for usually our home environment the
real challenges that our home
environment is kind of built on this
idea that your parents won't really
abandon you right so maybe they did but
hopefully not but if you're six if
you're seven if you're eight if you're
nine your parents are always going to be
there so the way that I'd kind of
describe this is It's almost like
imagine you're learning how to swim with
a life vest on so like you have this
life vest on because your parents are
never going to abandon you and so the
habits that you build the way that you
learn how to swim is like not really
ideal because you've got this one key
Safeguard and this is what happens with
people with rejection sensitivity is
that help them survive in the pool with
the life vest the problem is that when
you move out into the real world and
when you start to engage in work
relationships romantic relationships
even friendships that life vest goes
away because your parents may never
abandon you but other people if you like
keep avoiding them or you overly
apologize or you're clingy like they're
gonna be like this is too much and
they're actually going to withdraw so
what happens is you build all these
habits of how to swim with a life vest
on and then when you move out into the
world you take the life vest off and
suddenly the ways that you learn how to
swim no longer work and then you feel
like you're drowning and you look at
everyone else out there who's actually
able to swim and you're like I don't
understand and you try to mimic their
movements but it doesn't work right you
can't just watch someone else swim and
then suddenly like have been in the
water for 18 years with life s and
suddenly do what they're doing you're
gonna start drowning and it feels really
traumatic and it feels like it's
impossible to get a handle on so our
hope today is that we've helped you
understand this a little bit to
understand that there isn't something
fundamentally best with you this is your
brain's way of like trying to figure out
how to survive in the household that you
grew up with and the cool thing is that
those adaptations we can actually lay
out and there's actually a process
everything from meditation to the DIY
stuff to seeing a therapist or trying
something like coaching that you can
actually like unlearn some of these
behaviors you can actually learn how to
reprogram yourself to swim in these
kinds of relationships
foreign
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