When parents disagree on parenting styles - Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart

Happily Family

13 Jan 202105:59

Summary

TLDRThe transcript discusses the contrasting parenting styles between mothers and fathers, often seen as more flexible versus more strict. The speaker, a parent coach, suggests that both approaches can coexist and benefit the child by providing balance. The mother can offer empathy and validation, while the father can encourage resilience and problem-solving. This balance helps children navigate future challenges. The conversation also touches on the importance of trust between parents and the influence of cultural backgrounds on parenting styles.

Takeaways

👨‍👩‍👧 Parents often have different approaches to parenting, with mothers tending to be more flexible and accommodating, while fathers may be more strict and demanding.
🤔 The challenge lies in balancing these contrasting parenting styles to provide both understanding and skill-building for the child.
🔄 It's possible for both 'soft' and 'hard' parenting approaches to coexist, offering a balanced environment that can be beneficial for the child.
👥 Parents can collaborate by playing different roles, with one providing empathy and validation, while the other focuses on problem-solving and resilience-building.
🌟 The key is for parents to be on the same page, even if their approaches differ, ensuring a cohesive philosophy in raising the child.
👫 Trust between parents is crucial; each must trust the other's methods and intentions, even if they differ from their own.
🧩 Cultural differences can also influence parenting styles, potentially leading to clashes between parents from different backgrounds.
🌐 Generational attitudes towards parenting can affect current practices, with some parents adopting a 'toughen up' approach based on their own upbringing.
💡 Parents should be aware of the messages they internalized from their own childhoods and consider how these influence their current parenting.
🔄 Overcorrecting past parenting experiences can lead to an extreme shift in parenting style, which may not be helpful for the child.

Q & A

What is the main concern expressed by parents in the script?
-The main concern expressed by parents is the balance between being understanding and preparing their child for the world, with the mother being more flexible and accommodating, while the father is more focused on resilience and grit.
How does the parent coach suggest balancing the different parenting styles?
-The parent coach suggests that both parenting styles can coexist and be beneficial. The mother can provide empathic listening and validation, while the father can help the child develop solutions and resilience for future challenges.
What role does trust play in the parenting dynamic according to the script?
-Trust between parents is crucial as they need to trust each other's parenting approaches, even if they are different, to maintain a cohesive principle and avoid confusion for the child.
How does the script address the challenges of single parenting?
-The script acknowledges single parenting as a challenge in itself, implying that having two parents with different approaches can provide balance, but it does not elaborate on single parenting solutions.
What is the significance of cultural differences in parenting as discussed in the script?
-Cultural differences can lead to different parenting approaches, which can sometimes clash. The script mentions how a black or West Indian father's approach might differ from a white mother's, leading to potential conflicts in parenting styles.
How does the script suggest parents handle cultural clashes in parenting?
-The script implies that parents should be aware of the messages they received from their own upbringing and how they bring that into their parenting. It suggests that understanding and communication are key to resolving cultural clashes.
What is the role of generational attitudes in parenting as per the script?
-Generational attitudes play a significant role, with parents often passing on the parenting style they received from their own parents, which may not always be effective or suitable for their children.
How does the script describe the impact of a dismissive attitude on sensitive children?
-The script suggests that a dismissive attitude from parents can be very hard for a child who is highly sensitive, as they may not have learned about different temperaments and may unintentionally cause harm.
What advice does the script give for parents who want to avoid repeating their own parents' mistakes?
-The script advises that parents should be aware of how they were parented and not just automatically repeat those methods. It encourages parents to think critically about their parenting style and make conscious choices.
How does the script view the idea of parents 'fixing' each other's parenting styles?
-The script discourages the idea of parents trying to fix each other's styles, suggesting that it can create a dynamic that is unhelpful and confusing, especially when they are also trying to address their child's issues.
What is the importance of having an action plan according to the script?
-The script emphasizes the importance of having an action plan and solutions over simply staying in an emotional state. It suggests that this approach helps children build resilience and grit to better handle future challenges.

Outlines

00:00

👨‍👩‍👧 Balancing Parenting Styles

This paragraph discusses the common parenting scenario where mothers tend to be more accommodating and flexible, while fathers are perceived as more rigid and demanding. The speaker emphasizes the importance of both approaches and suggests that they can coexist to create a balanced home environment. The mother can provide empathetic listening and validation, while the father can encourage resilience and problem-solving. The key is for parents to be on the same page and support each other's approaches to parenting, even if they differ. This balance can help children develop emotional intelligence and resilience.

05:00

🌐 Cultural Differences in Parenting

The second paragraph delves into the challenges that arise when parents from different cultural backgrounds co-parent. It highlights how cultural norms and personal upbringing can influence parenting styles, often leading to clashes. The speaker points out that some parents may not be aware of their child's temperament and may inadvertently pass on their own upbringing, which could be detrimental if it doesn't align with the child's needs. The importance of recognizing and reconciling these differences is stressed, as well as the need for parents to be mindful of how their own experiences shape their parenting. The paragraph also touches on the broader implications of cultural differences in parenting, suggesting that it's not just an individual issue but a societal one.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡Gender Stereotypes

Gender stereotypes refer to the widely held, simplified, and often exaggerated beliefs about the characteristics and roles of males and females. In the script, the speaker humorously acknowledges these stereotypes by suggesting that mothers might be more likely to accommodate their children's difficulties while fathers might be more likely to push them to be tougher. This highlights the societal expectations placed on parents based on their gender.

💡Accommodating

Accommodating is the act of making changes to help someone or something fit in better or to be more comfortable. In the context of the video, it's used to describe a parenting style where one parent might adjust the difficulty of a task to make it more manageable for the child, aiming to provide comfort and support.

💡Resilience

Resilience is the ability to recover quickly from difficulties and to cope with stress and adversity. The script discusses the importance of teaching children resilience so they can handle future challenges and setbacks, such as rejection and failure, without being overly affected by them.

💡Grit

Grit refers to a combination of passion and perseverance in the face of long-term challenges. The script mentions the need to build grit in children, implying that parents should help them develop the determination to keep going even when things get tough.

💡Validation

Validation is the act of confirming or accepting the truth or existence of something, often someone's feelings or experiences. In the script, the mother's role is described as providing empathic listening and validation, acknowledging the child's feelings and showing understanding.

💡Tag Team

Tag team is a term used in wrestling where two or more partners take turns against an opponent. In the script, it's used metaphorically to describe how parents can take turns in addressing a child's issue, with one providing emotional support and the other offering practical solutions.

💡Emotion

Emotion refers to a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others. The script discusses the importance of not only staying in one's emotions but also developing an action plan to deal with difficult situations.

💡Action Plan

An action plan is a series of steps or activities aimed at achieving a specific goal. In the context of the video, it's mentioned as a tool for parents to help their children develop strategies to cope with future challenges, moving beyond just emotional responses.

💡Cultural Mindset

Cultural mindset refers to the attitudes, values, and beliefs that are characteristic of a particular culture or ethnic group. The script discusses how different cultural mindsets can influence parenting styles, with examples given of how a 'black dad' or 'west indian dad' might have a different approach compared to a 'white mom'.

💡Dismissive Attitude

A dismissive attitude is one where someone shows a lack of interest or concern for something or someone. In the script, it's mentioned in the context of how some parents might have been parented themselves and how they might pass on this dismissive approach to their own children, which can be challenging for sensitive children.

💡Cohesive Principle

A cohesive principle is a unifying idea or set of ideas that hold a group together. In the script, it's used to describe how parents, despite their different approaches, can still work towards a common goal or philosophy in raising their children.

Highlights

Parents often have different approaches to parenting, with mothers tending to be more accommodating and fathers more strict.

Both parenting styles can coexist and are necessary for a balanced approach.

The mother can provide empathic listening and validation, while the father can help the child develop resilience and solutions.

It's important for parents to be on the same page even if they have different approaches.

The father's role can be to help the child develop an action plan to deal with future challenges.

The mother's role can be to validate the child's feelings and empathize with their struggles.

Trust between parents is crucial for effective parenting and for setting a good example for the child.

Parents should avoid trying to fix each other's parenting styles and instead focus on a cohesive principle.

Different cultural backgrounds can lead to different parenting styles, which can sometimes clash.

Cultural mindsets can significantly influence parenting approaches, with some cultures being more dismissive of emotions.

Parents often parent the way they were parented, which may not always be effective.

Parents should be aware of how their upbringing influences their parenting style.

It's important for parents to prepare for how they will parent rather than just parenting instinctively.

Different temperaments in children can require different parenting approaches.

Parents should be mindful of the messages they are passing on to their children from their own upbringing.

Single parenting presents its own unique challenges in balancing different parenting approaches.

Parents should strive for a balance between being understanding and teaching necessary life skills.