Generation Stress: From Surviving to Thriving | Kristen Race | TEDxMileHigh

Summary

The speaker humorously admits to keeping her parenting book a secret in her small town, fearing judgment despite her own struggles with parenting and stress. She identifies 'Generation Stress' as over-achieving, over-stimulated parents raising stressed children. Despite facing big and little stressors, she emphasizes that simple mindfulness practices can shift from survival to thriving mode, citing research and personal anecdotes to illustrate the positive impacts on emotional and physical health.

Takeaways

• 😅 The speaker humorously admits to keeping her authorship of a parenting book a secret, fearing judgment from other parents.
• 🧘‍♀️ Despite being an author on parenting and a proponent of mindfulness, the speaker struggles with daily parenting challenges and the pressure to be a perfect, stress-free parent.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 'Generation Stress' is a term coined to describe the current generation of parents who are stressed and raising stressed children, facing both significant and minor stressors.
• 📈 The speaker highlights the serious impact of stress on children, comparing it to the effects seen in Vietnam veterans, emphasizing the need for stress management.
• 🌟 Small, consistent practices can lead to significant changes in well-being, contrary to the belief that only drastic life changes can make a difference.
• 📈 Research from Duke University is cited to support the positive effects of recognizing positive experiences on mental health and overall happiness.
• 🌱 The speaker encourages reframing mistakes and challenges as opportunities for growth, which can alter the brain's response to stress.
• 💖 Engaging in acts of kindness, even small ones, can increase happiness and create a positive impact on both the giver and the receiver.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 The 'Rose, Bud, Thorn' game is introduced as a family practice to cultivate positivity, learning from mistakes, and kindness.
• 🌅 The speaker concludes by emphasizing the power of simple practices to shift from a state of survival to thriving, despite the chaos of life.

Q & A

Why does the speaker try to keep her authorship of a parenting book a secret?

The speaker tries to keep her authorship of a parenting book a secret because she lives in a small town and fears that people might feel judged by her, especially when they are dealing with common parenting challenges like a power struggle over buying Fruit Loops.

What is the term the speaker uses to describe the generation of stressed-out parents and kids?

The speaker uses the term 'Generation Stress' to describe the generation of stressed-out parents raising stressed-out kids.

What are some of the big stressors mentioned by the speaker that Generation Stress parents face?

The big stressors mentioned include financial difficulties, demanding careers, divorce, health problems, school violence, teen suicides, and record-high rates of anxiety and depression in elementary school students.

How does the speaker suggest that the little stressors in life can be detrimental?

The speaker suggests that the compound effects of life's little annoyances can add up and be as detrimental as true PTSD, by comparing the brain scans of Vietnam vets with those of chronically stressed individuals.

What is the practice that the speaker's friend Erin and her colleagues adopted to improve their well-being?

Erin and her colleagues adopted the practice of texting each other three good things about their day at the end of each school day, which helped them feel happier and less exhausted.

According to Duke University's research, what are the benefits of recognizing positive experiences for two weeks?

Recognizing positive experiences for two weeks can significantly lower depression and burn-out, increase happiness, improve sleep, and help create a better work-life balance.

How does the speaker's father define perfectionism in the context of success and failure?

The speaker's father defines perfectionism as attempting perfection with the understanding that success is remote, and failure should not be viewed negatively but as a basis for future challenges, which are stimuli for a productive, happy, and meaningful life.

What is the game 'Rose, Bud, Thorn' and how does it relate to the practices discussed by the speaker?

The game 'Rose, Bud, Thorn' is a family activity where each person describes their 'rose' (a good experience), 'thorn' (a mistake learned from), and 'bud' (an act of kindness). It reinforces the practices of recognizing positive experiences, learning from mistakes, and engaging in acts of kindness.

What is the speaker's main message about dealing with stress and achieving a better quality of life?

The speaker's main message is that simple practices, rather than drastic life transformations, can lead to significant and sustainable changes, helping to shift from surviving to thriving.

How does the speaker describe the impact of practicing mindfulness over the last 10 years on her life?

The speaker describes that practicing mindfulness has allowed her to savor small moments, look for growth in difficult times, and take advantage of opportunities for kindness, which has shifted her from a survival mindset to a thriving one.

Outlines

00:00

😅 The Struggle of a Parenting Author

The speaker, a parenting author, humorously admits to keeping her profession a secret in her small town due to the fear of being judged by other parents. Despite her expertise, she confesses to experiencing the same parenting challenges as everyone else and often uses mundane tasks as an excuse to escape the chaos at home. The speaker also reveals the irony of being expected to parent perfectly due to her work in mindfulness, yet she finds herself more inclined to indulge in wine rather than meditation to cope with daily stress. She introduces the concept of 'Generation Stress,' a term she coins for the current generation of parents who are raising children in a highly stressful environment, marked by financial difficulties, demanding careers, and societal issues like school violence and mental health crises in children.

05:01

🌟 Small Changes for a Calmer Life

The speaker emphasizes that while drastic life changes are not necessary for improvement, small, consistent practices can lead to significant and sustainable changes. She shares a story about her friend Erin, a teacher who experienced a tragic stillbirth but found solace in a simple practice of texting three good things about her day with colleagues. This practice, backed by Duke University research, was found to reduce depression, increase happiness, and improve work-life balance. The speaker suggests that such small acts can shift our focus from surviving to thriving, and she encourages the audience to consider integrating similar practices into their lives.

10:03

🌈 Reframing Mistakes and Cultivating Kindness

The speaker discusses the impact of perfectionism and how it can lead to negative outcomes like anxiety and depression. She shares her personal experience of being judged for her mindfulness practices and how it affected her self-worth. Her father's advice to view failure as a basis for future challenges rather than a negative event helps her to reframe her perspective on mistakes. The speaker also talks about the power of kindness and how simple acts of kindness can increase happiness. She introduces a family game called 'Rose, Bud, Thorn,' which encourages sharing positive experiences, learning from mistakes, and acknowledging acts of kindness, thereby fostering a thriving family environment.

15:06

🙌 Embracing Imperfection and Gratitude

In the concluding paragraph, the speaker reflects on her life's journey, acknowledging the craziness and imperfections while expressing gratitude for the simple practices that have helped her shift from a survival mindset to a thriving one. She shares her personal experiences of finding joy in sunsets, blooming flowers, and her children's innocent moments, and she encourages the audience to look for growth during difficult times and to practice kindness. The speaker leaves the audience with a powerful message: it is the simple practices that lead to the most significant and sustainable changes in life.

Keywords

💡Mindfulness

Mindfulness refers to the practice of being fully present and engaged in the moment without judgment. In the video, the speaker's work is based in the science of mindfulness, which implies an approach to parenting and life that is calm, collected, and focused on the present. The speaker humorously contrasts this ideal with the reality of her own parenting struggles, highlighting the gap between the mindfulness she advocates for and the stress of daily life.

💡Generation X

Generation X, often abbreviated as Gen X, is the cohort of people born between the mid-1960s and early 1980s. The speaker identifies herself as part of this generation and discusses how they are now facing the challenges of parenting, which she humorously dubs 'Generation Stress'. This term encapsulates the idea that this generation is not only experiencing stress in their own lives but also passing it on to their children.

💡Stress

Stress is a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances. The video discusses how both parents and children are experiencing high levels of stress, with the speaker referring to 'Generation Stress' to describe a societal trend of over-achieving and over-stimulated individuals. The script provides examples of both big and little stressors, such as financial difficulties and the pressure to keep up with social media, which contribute to this pervasive state of stress.

💡Survival mode

Survival mode is a state of constant alertness and readiness to deal with perceived threats or emergencies. In the context of the video, the speaker describes how the continuous stimulation of survival mechanisms in the brain due to stress leads people to live in a state of chronic vigilance, akin to being in survival mode. This concept is used to illustrate the physiological and psychological impact of stress on daily life.

💡Perfectionism

Perfectionism is the tendency to pursue unattainable perfection in one's actions or work. The speaker discusses the prevalence of perfectionism in society and how it can lead to anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. She shares a personal anecdote about being judged for not adhering to a 'perfect' mindfulness practice, which illustrates the pressure to be perfect and the negative consequences of such expectations.

💡Resilience

Resilience is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties or to thrive despite adversity. The video emphasizes the importance of resilience in the face of stress and challenges. The speaker suggests that reframing mistakes and challenges as opportunities for growth can foster resilience, which is crucial for coping with the stressors of modern life.

💡Kindness

Kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. The speaker argues that acts of kindness, whether performed or witnessed, can significantly boost happiness and contribute to a sense of well-being. She introduces a family game called 'Rose, Bud, Thorn' as a way to cultivate kindness and mindfulness within the household, demonstrating how simple acts of kindness can enhance daily life.

💡Grit

Grit refers to the ability to sustain interest and effort in the face of adversity. The video suggests that taking risks, making mistakes, and persevering are key components of grit. The speaker implies that developing grit is essential for thriving in a stressful environment, as it enables individuals to bounce back from setbacks and continue pursuing their goals.

💡Emotional health

Emotional health is the state of one's emotional and psychological well-being. The speaker discusses the importance of emotional health in the context of managing stress and living a fulfilling life. She suggests that simple practices, such as mindfulness and kindness, can contribute to emotional health by helping individuals to cope with stress and cultivate a more positive outlook.

💡Surviving vs. Thriving

The distinction between 'surviving' and 'thriving' is a central theme in the video. Surviving implies merely getting by or enduring hardships, while thriving suggests a more active and flourishing state of being. The speaker argues that through simple practices, individuals can shift from a state of mere survival to one of thriving, despite the stressors they face.

💡Small changes

Small changes refer to minor but impactful modifications in behavior or routine that can lead to significant improvements in well-being. The video emphasizes that lasting change often comes from a series of small, manageable steps rather than drastic life transformations. The speaker shares examples of such practices, like texting positive experiences or playing the 'Rose, Bud, Thorn' game, which can have a profound impact on one's emotional and physical health.

Highlights

The speaker humorously admits to keeping her authorship of a parenting book a secret due to the fear of being judged by her community.

Despite being a parenting author, the speaker admits to her own struggles with parenting, highlighting the universality of these challenges.

The concept of 'Generation Stress' is introduced, describing the unique pressures faced by parents and children today.

The speaker satirically points out the absurdity of middle school supply lists, including expensive locker decorations.

A discussion on the significant stressors faced by Generation Stress, such as financial difficulties and health problems.

The impact of small, everyday stressors is compared to the effects seen in Vietnam veterans, emphasizing their seriousness.

The speaker suggests that simple practices can help shift from a state of survival to thriving, contrary to drastic life changes.

A personal story of a teacher who, after a tragic loss, practices gratitude by texting positive experiences with colleagues.

Research from Duke University is cited to support the positive effects of recognizing positive experiences on mental health.

The speaker discusses the negative impact of perfectionism and the importance of reframing mistakes as opportunities for growth.

A family game called 'Rose, Bud, Thorn' is introduced as a method to cultivate kindness and reflect on daily experiences.

The speaker shares her own experiences with stress, including a humorous anecdote about working for a bungee jumping company.

The importance of finding gratitude in an imperfect life is emphasized as a key to shifting from survival to thriving.

The speaker concludes by reinforcing the idea that it's the simple practices that lead to the most significant and sustainable changes.

Transcripts

Translator: Helena Bowen Reviewer: Denise RQ

I try to keep the fact

that I've written a parenting book a secret.

I live in a small town,

and when people see me coming in the grocery store,

I see a look of panic in their eyes.

I assume they think I'm going to judge them

because they're locked in a power struggle over buying Fruit Loops,

but the truth is

I am likely just off the heels of a battle with my own kids,

and I'm using this trip to the grocery store as an excuse

to get the hell out of my house.

(Laughter)

Safe to say that none of this will help me get my next book deal

(Laughter)

but in addition to having written a parenting book,

my work is based in the science of mindfulness.

So, not only is there this illusion that I know everything about parenting

but I'm supposed to be doing it all blissfully.

(Laughter)

Calm and collected, totally unflappable,

disciplining and encouraging my kids in my best yogi voice.

(Laughter)

But most days, come five o'clock, I'm far more tempted

to reach for the Chardonnay than the meditation cushion.

(Laughter)

And I'm not alone.

You see, my generation is slowly but surely losing [its mind].

About five years ago,

Generation X was identified as the most stressed generation in America.

To complicate things, many of us GenXers decided to have kids.

(Laughter)

This created what I call 'Generation Stress',

a generation of stressed out parents, raising a generation of stressed out kids.

My daughter started sixth grade about a month ago,

and she was so excited to start middle school.

She shared with me these Pinterest photos,

explaining what all the sixth graders are doing.

(Laughter)

This is what happens when Generation Stress procreates.

(Laughter)

It seems as though we figured out a way to make entering middle school

even more anxiety-provoking than it already was

by adding 70 dollar locker chandeliers

to the must-have back to school supply list.

(Laughter)

So we have this generation of over-achieving, over-stimulated,

over-connected parents raising the same types of kids.

We are Generation Stress.

We have big stressors: we have financial difficulties,

demanding careers, divorce, health problems, school violence,

teen suicides, and record-high rates of anxiety and depression

in elementary school students.

And, we have little stressors:

traffic jams, 24/7 texts and emails from our coworkers,

juggling whose turn it is to stay home with the sick kid.

Our kids not only absorb our stress, but they have their own triggers,

trying to keep up with growing piles of homework

while staying on top of the latest thread on Instagram,

and signing up for one more honors class

to improve their shot at getting into college.

Before we dismiss the little stuff as no big deal,

think about this for a moment:

When we compare the brain scans of Vietnam vets

with the brain scans of chronically stressed out people,

they actually have a lot in common.

The compound effects of life's little annoyances add up

and can be as detrimental as true PTSD.

We respond to these stressors, big and little,

by constantly stimulating the survival mechanisms in our brains,

and so our bodies respond, again and again.

Our hearts race, our blood pressure rises,

our decision-making centers in our brains stay roped off,

while our bodies and our brains tend to what we perceive

as ever-present emergencies.

We live in survival mode.

But there is hope.

(Laughter)

So, if you're about to fake a bathroom break

to escape what has thus far not been the most playful talk, sit tight.

(Laughter)

I have good news.

In the same way that all of this crap, for lack of a better word,

puts us into survival mode, simple practices can get us out.

Generation X will go

to some pretty extreme lengths to create change.

We'll work 80 hours a week to get that promotion,

hire a personal trainer to help us lose 10 pounds,

and spend thousands of dollars

botoxing our foreheads and plumping our lips,

and every parent I know will move heaven and earth

to improve their kids' wellbeing.

We'll shoe-horn in one more essential activity,

remove all the gluten from our households,

and hire a private coach to give our kids the edge at soccer try-outs.

What I'm talking about here

is more elemental and infinitely more important.

I'm talking about emotional and physical health,

learning, empathy, relationships, and more.

With all this at stake, can any of us afford not to unplug a little,

look each other in the eye, and integrate a few simple practices

to calm the survival mechanisms in the brain

and buoy us all from this generation of stress we have created.

Research tells us that lasting change

doesn't come from drastic life transformations.

It comes from a collection of small changes,

changes that don't require money, leaving the city, or quitting your job.

Short, simple practices can get us out of survival mode

and shift us from surviving to thriving.

Today, I'd like to share a few of my favorite practices.

I have a friend, Erin, who's a teacher who's had a really difficult year.

On October 11th, she finished her final day of work

prior to her scheduled c-section the next Monday.

Her colleagues had thrown her a baby shower,

her parents and in-laws had flown in town for the birth.

On Sunday, the day before the scheduled procedure,

Erin gave birth to a still-born child.

She went from anticipating one of the most exciting life-changing events

to trying to figure out how she was going to explain

to a group of second graders why she was back at work so soon.

Days can be brutally hard for my friend Erin,

but she's convinced that life is made to be lived,

and she started this little practice with two of her colleagues.

At the end of each school day,

they text each other three good things about their day.

Sometimes it's that the sun is shining,

sometimes it's that a student who was struggling did well on a test.

Regardless, this simple practice that takes about 60 seconds to do

profoundly impacted how they felt about their days and their lives.

They enjoyed work more, they were less exhausted at the end of the week,

they felt happier.

Research from Duke University supports what they're doing.

According to their research,

this practice of recognizing our positive experiences for two weeks

significantly lowers depression and burn-out, increases happiness,

improves sleep, and helps us create a better work-life balance.

When they followed participants in this study

for six months after the two-week practice,

they found this practice trends better than Prozac

for easing depression and boosting happiness.

When I talked to my friend Erin about this practice, she said this,

"It would be so easy for me to spend every day dwelling on what I do not have.

Finding the good forces me to become aware

of the multiple opportunities of good in my day.

This is the gift born out of my loss,

the good that reshapes my mind and spirit."

I come from a long line of perfectionists.

My grandfather was a perfectionist, my dad was a perfectionist,

He raised three perfectionists,

though, I like to consider myself a recovering perfectionist.

(Laughter)

Our society is filled with perfectionists, and it sounds pretty cool to be one,

but true perfectionism doesn't propel anyone forward,

and it has actually been shown to hold us back,

and can lead to crippling anxiety, depression, and even suicide.

I once had someone tell me I was doing mindfulness wrong.

(Laughter)

Now, it sounds like you know

that mindfulness is a practice based in non-judgmental awareness

(Laughter)

yet here I was, being judged, and judged pretty critically.

I honestly thought I was going to be turned in to the mindfulness police

for allowing 6-year-olds to use a prop while meditating.

(Laughter)

How did I respond?

This woman's comment sent me reeling.

The perfectionist in me determined that I should close up shop,

crawl into a hole, and figure out a new career.

It took mere seconds for me

to disregard years of education and experience training kids and adults,

all the research that backed up my methods,

and all the beautiful stories that I had been told

about how my work had helped people.

I immediately went down this rabbit hole

of "I'm totally worthless because this woman said so."

Perfectionist or not, we in Generation Stress beat up ourselves.

Unless we learn to acknowledge and reframe our mistakes,

they will devour us.

When I talked to my dad about the fact

that part of what I would be speaking about today was perfectionism,

he said this, "There is nothing wrong with attempting perfection,

so long as you understand that success is remote.

Failure should not be viewed negatively,

but rather it can serve as the basis for future challenges,

and challenge is a stimulus for a productive, happy, and meaningful life."

My perfectionist dad kind of nailed it.

The practice is to reframe our mistakes and our challenges in terms of growth.

When we can do this, our brain responds to these challenges differently.

They no longer send us into a panicked downward spiral.

You can reinforce this practice by asking your parents, your grandparents,

or someone you look up to about a mistake they made that lead to growth,

or share one of your own challenges with your teen or young child.

Taking risks, making mistakes,

picking ourselves up and dusting ourselves off

are keys to grit and resilience,

resilience to all the stress I just mentioned.

Kindness shifts us from surviving to thriving.

Studies show that engaging in one act of kindness a day for just ten days

can measurably increase your happiness,

and witnessing an act of kindness

is almost as effective as engaging in the act yourself,

as this releases serotonin in our brain,

and can lead to what neuroscientists call a peak experience,

those rare moments of inspiration that leave us grateful to be alive.

These moments don't have to be over the top.

You can hold the door for someone,

let somebody who appears rushed go ahead of you in line,

or write a kind note to a friend or co-worker in need.

The key is to bring mindful attention to these simple acts.

I wanted to find a way to cultivate kindness in my own family,

so we play a game called Rose, Bud, Thorn.

It's a simple game

that can be played at the dinner table, on a car ride, or before going to bed,

and it reinforces each of the practices that I've talked about today.

Each person takes a turn describing their rose,

a good experience they had today,

their thorn, a mistake they learned from today,

and their bud, an act of kindness that they witnessed or initiated.

This simple game that takes about five minutes

never ceases to shift my family from surviving to thriving.

Here's what's weird: there was a time in my life

when I would seek out stressful situations.

I took a job one summer in college working for a bungee jumping company.

(Laughter)

I had the esteemed job of testing the ropes.

(Laughter)

Every morning, before any customers jumped,

I would fling myself out of a basket 350 feet above the earth,

and hope that my college buddies had secured the lines.

(Laughter)

I think I got paid eight dollars an hour for this prestigious position.

(Laughter)

Today, I don't have to pursue extreme sports to find stress.

Modern living is an extreme sport.

The thought of my inbox on Monday mornings gets my heart racing,

and the locker chandeliers, those put me over the edge.

(Laughter)

My point to you here is this:

we are surrounded by big and little stressors,

and they aren't going away,

but we don't have to embark on major life transformations

to change our lives.

If there's one thing I hope you remember from this talk today,

it is this:

it is the simple practices that lead

to the most significant and sustainable changes.

My life is still crazy, but in the last 10 years

that I've been teaching and practicing mindfulness,

I've learned a few things.

I savor sunsets, blooming flowers,

and those moments when my kids take my hand in theirs.

I look for growth in difficult times, even if I have to cry into a pillow first,

and I take advantage of opportunities for kindness.

It's these simple practices

that shift my survival brain to my thriving brain,

and leave me feeling pretty damn grateful

for my hectic, overwhelming, and imperfect life.

Thank you.

(Applause)