Everyday ways to see through people's defenses

Summary

In this video, the host delves into the psychology of defense mechanisms, explaining how as a psychodynamic therapist they've learned to see through the walls individuals put up to protect their unconscious. Discussing concepts like reaction formation, projection, and denial, the host provides insights into how these defenses manifest and how recognizing them can be beneficial in understanding oneself and others. The video also touches on how these mechanisms appear in public figures, where people often project their own issues onto them.

Takeaways

• 🧠 Therapists, especially those practicing psychodynamic therapy, can learn to see through a person's defenses to access unconscious information.
• 🛡 Defense mechanisms are mental strategies that protect individuals from facing uncomfortable truths about themselves.
• 🤔 The unconscious mind stores information that is hidden from our direct access, often due to its potentially distressing nature.
• 🙅‍♀️ Reaction formation is a defense where individuals express the opposite of what they truly feel or mean as a way to deny unacceptable thoughts or feelings.
• 😡 Disproportionate reactions can indicate that an individual's Shadow Self, representing unaccepted parts of themselves, has been triggered.
• 🎭 Projection is a defense mechanism where individuals attribute their own unacknowledged feelings or actions onto others.
• 🚫 Denial is a defense that involves refusing to accept painful truths or realities, often seen as an initial response to loss or grief.
• 🌟 Compensation, or overcompensation, is a defense where individuals overemphasize certain traits to mask their opposite, such as grandiosity masking deep insecurity.
• 👍👎 Splitting is a defense where individuals see people or things as entirely good or bad, often fluctuating between the two extremes.
• 🕵️‍♀️ Paying attention to what people don't say or avoid discussing can reveal as much about their defenses as what they do communicate.

Q & A

What is the main focus of the video script?

The main focus of the video script is to discuss how to recognize and understand people's defense mechanisms, particularly from a psychodynamic therapy perspective.

What is the role of defense mechanisms in the unconscious mind?

Defense mechanisms serve as a way for the mind to hide information in the unconscious that may be too painful or uncomfortable to confront directly, thus protecting the individual from emotional distress.

Can a psychodynamic therapist truly 'see through' a person's defenses?

While the phrase 'see through' might sound sinister, it refers to the therapist's ability to recognize and interpret defense mechanisms, helping the client access unconscious information for therapeutic purposes.

What is the significance of the 'but' statement in communication?

The word 'but' in a sentence often negates the credibility of what was said before it, indicating that what follows is the true intent or meaning of the speaker.

How does the concept of the 'Shadow Self' relate to defense mechanisms?

The Shadow Self represents the aspects of oneself that are repressed or denied. When triggered, it can lead to disproportionate reactions, revealing unconscious traits or issues the individual is trying to suppress.

What is reaction formation in the context of defense mechanisms?

Reaction formation is a defense mechanism where an individual expresses the exact opposite of what they truly feel or think, as a way to deny or justify their true emotions or thoughts.

Why do people project their feelings onto others?

Projection occurs when an individual attributes their own unacceptable feelings or thoughts onto another person, as a way to avoid acknowledging these aspects within themselves.

What is the difference between idealization and devaluation in defense mechanisms?

Idealization is seeing someone as all good, often unconsciously to compensate for feeling devalued oneself, while devaluation is the act of seeing someone as all bad, often as a defense against acknowledging one's own negative traits.

How can one recognize when someone is projecting their issues onto a public figure?

Projection onto public figures can be recognized by observing when individuals direct strong, often negative emotions towards figures they don't personally know, which may indicate they are dealing with their own unresolved issues.

What is the significance of 'not saying' in understanding a person's defense mechanisms?

What a person chooses not to say or avoid discussing can be just as revealing as what they do say, as it may indicate topics they find emotionally challenging or are trying to repress.

How can understanding defense mechanisms help in personal relationships?

Understanding defense mechanisms can help individuals recognize when they or others are being overly defensive, allowing for more effective communication and conflict resolution by addressing the underlying issues rather than the symptoms.

Outlines

00:00

🔍 Seeing Through Defense Mechanisms

The speaker introduces the topic of understanding defense mechanisms, explaining the transition from not being able to see through defenses to learning how to do so through psychodynamic therapy. The unconscious mind is discussed as a place where much information is hidden, protected by defense mechanisms that prevent us from seeing certain truths about ourselves. The video aims to demystify the process of seeing through these defenses, emphasizing its therapeutic value rather than any sinister intent.

05:02

🤔 Reaction Formation and Disproportionate Reactions

This section delves into specific defense mechanisms like reaction formation, where individuals express the opposite of what they truly feel, and disproportionate reactions that can indicate a person's Shadow Self being triggered. The Shadow Self represents traits or behaviors that an individual actively repudiates. The speaker uses examples to illustrate how these defenses manifest, such as preemptive justifications and emotional overreactions, suggesting that these can be clues to underlying, unacknowledged feelings or issues.

10:04

📣 Projection, Denial, and Compensation

The speaker explores projection, where individuals attribute their own feelings or actions onto others, often resulting in false accusations. Denial is discussed as a defense against painful truths, while compensation is a mechanism where individuals overemphasize one trait to mask its opposite. Examples are given to illustrate these concepts, such as cheaters being paranoid about being cheated on or individuals projecting their own aggression onto others.

15:04

💔 Splitting, Idealization, and Devaluation

Splitting is described as viewing people as entirely good or bad, often context-dependent, and the speaker warns of the instability of such views. Idealization and devaluation are highlighted as defenses where individuals elevate or diminish others to protect their self-esteem. The speaker also touches on how public figures can become targets for projection and displacement, as people tend to project their own issues onto those they perceive as larger-than-life.

20:06

👀 General Defensiveness and Its Indicators

The final section advises on recognizing general defensiveness by observing what topics or comments trigger defensive reactions, even in the absence of direct accusations. The speaker suggests that such reactions can reveal a person's insecurities or hidden truths. The importance of also considering what individuals choose not to discuss is emphasized, as omissions can be as telling as statements. The video concludes with a call to be mindful of one's own and others' defense mechanisms to foster healthier interactions.

Keywords

💡Defense Mechanisms

Defense mechanisms are unconscious psychological strategies that protect an individual from anxiety, stress, or harm by distorting reality or the mind's perception of it. In the video, the therapist explains how becoming adept at recognizing these mechanisms is crucial for psychodynamic therapy, as they often conceal deeper, unconscious truths that clients may be unwilling or unable to confront directly.

💡Psychodynamic Therapy

Psychodynamic therapy is a form of deep psychology that explores the relationship between a person's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, with a focus on the unconscious mind. The video discusses how therapists using this approach learn to see through a client's defenses to access unconscious material, which is key to therapeutic progress.

💡Unconscious Mind

The unconscious mind refers to the part of the mind that contains thoughts, memories, and desires of which one is not currently aware. In the context of the video, the unconscious is portrayed as a reservoir of information hidden by defense mechanisms, which a psychodynamic therapist aims to uncover to help clients gain insight into their behaviors and emotions.

💡Reaction Formation

Reaction formation is a defense mechanism where an individual expresses the opposite of their true feelings or thoughts. The video provides examples such as saying 'I'm not trying to be mean' before making a critical comment, illustrating how individuals may use this mechanism to preemptively justify or deny unacceptable thoughts or feelings.

💡Shadow Self

The Shadow Self is a concept in psychology representing the repressed, denied, or unacknowledged aspects of an individual's personality. The video describes how a disproportionate emotional reaction can indicate the Shadow Self being triggered, revealing aspects of oneself that one might not be consciously aware of or may be actively repressing.

💡Projection

Projection is a defense mechanism where an individual attributes their own unacknowledged feelings or thoughts onto another person. The video explains how this can lead to false accusations and misunderstandings, such as a cheater suspecting their partner of infidelity because they are unable to confront their own behavior.

💡Denial

Denial is a defense mechanism where an individual refuses to accept reality or the truth about a situation. In the video, denial is discussed as a way to avoid emotional pain, such as refusing to acknowledge a past event or emotion, which can lead to gaslighting or the dismissal of others' experiences.

💡Compensation

Compensation, also known as overcompensation, is a defense mechanism where an individual overemphasizes one aspect of themselves to mask a perceived deficiency or the opposite quality. The video uses examples like grandiosity in narcissism masking deep insecurity, illustrating how this mechanism can lead to exaggerated behaviors to cover up feelings of inadequacy.

💡Splitting

Splitting is a defense mechanism where an individual sees people or things as entirely good or bad, rather than recognizing the complexity and nuance. The video explains how this can lead to unstable relationships and perceptions, where individuals fluctuate between idealizing and devaluing others based on their own unconscious needs and conflicts.

💡Displacement

Displacement is a defense mechanism where an individual redirects their emotions onto a less threatening target. Although not directly defined in the video, it is alluded to in the context of discussing how people may redirect their reactions, such as anger or frustration, towards public figures or less relevant individuals instead of addressing the true source of their emotions.

💡General Defensiveness

General defensiveness refers to a person's habitual tendency to protect themselves from emotional vulnerability through various defense mechanisms. The video suggests that by observing what individuals get defensive about, even in the absence of direct accusations, one can gain insight into their underlying insecurities and self-perceptions.

Highlights

Introduction to the concept of seeing through people's defense mechanisms in a therapeutic context.

The importance of understanding the unconscious mind and how defense mechanisms hide information from our conscious awareness.

Explanation of reaction formation as a defense mechanism where individuals express the opposite of their true feelings.

The 'but' technique in communication as an indicator of someone's true intentions.

Discussion on how people's disproportionate reactions can reveal their Shadow Self.

An example of how someone's past as a drug addict may lead to a disproportionate reaction to discussions on drug use.

Projection as a defense mechanism where individuals attribute their own feelings or actions onto others.

The role of projection in relationships, such as cheaters being paranoid about being cheated on.

Denial as a defense mechanism and its relation to the initial stages of grief.

Compensation as a defense mechanism, exemplified by grandiosity masking deep insecurity.

Splitting as a defense mechanism, leading to看待 people as all good or all bad.

The concept of idealization and devaluation as related defense mechanisms.

Observation of defense mechanisms in public figures and how people project their issues onto them.

The impact of public figure status on the likelihood of being a target for projection and displacement.

General defensiveness and how to recognize it through what people get defensive over.

The significance of noticing what people choose not to say as an indicator of their defenses.

Conclusion on the importance of understanding defense mechanisms for personal growth and healthy relationships.

Transcripts

hi there welcome from myself and from

keany in the back she loves to sit by

the fire oh spoke too soon hopefully she

comes back but welcome today we're

talking about how to see through

people's defense

[Music]

mechanisms

now when you're a therapist a lot of

people come up to you and ask you oh can

you read my mind or do you see through

people can you see beyond people's

defenses and for the longest time my

answer was no until I began to study

more psychodynamic forms of therapy once

I became a more psychodynamic therapist

I actually did learn to look through

people's defenses because it's actually

the sign of a good psycho dnamic

therapist that they're able to see

through the walls that you put up to

what is beyond to help you access that

unconscious information and so the title

of this video might sound a little

Sinister like ooh let's see through

people's defense mechanisms let's see

what they're hiding but it's really not

Sinister at all it's something that

therapeutically is very helpful as a

technique let me just briefly introduce

what the unconscious and what defenses

are so obviously many of us have heard

of Freud and a Freud in understanding of

the mind is that we have our conscious

mind then we have our preconscious mind

which is stuff that's barely on the

surface we're not necessarily pushing it

down we can maybe access it and then we

have our unconscious mind and that is

where a lot of information resides that

maybe we don't have as direct access to

because it's hidden it's hidden

primarily by defense mechanisms defenses

are basically ways that our mind tricks

us into not seeing what's in the

unconscious because it feels like we're

not ready for it we can't handle what's

in the unconscious and therefore it

wants to make sure that we're

emotionally safe now as you can imagine

it goes overboard a lot of times there

are people who move through the world in

a very very defended way where they

can't see blatant truths about

themselves or about the world or about

other people because their defense

mechanisms are too strong they're

overprotective they're not allowing them

to see reality for what it is that's

essentially what defensiveness is it's a

protective mechanism so that we don't

get hurt or so that we can defend

ourselves if we feel attacked in some

psychological situation and as you'll

see with a lot of this um unraveling

defense mechanisms it comes down to

defenses make things seem like the

opposite of what they really are if

consciously you feel sad defense

mechanisms are saying oh my God I feel

so happy now before we get into that I

do want to mention I just released a

relationship skills course called the

connection course I get a lot of therapy

inquiries from you guys and I'm not

currently taking on any more clients and

even if I were I wouldn't be able to see

people across state lines so what I

wanted to do is to still provide a

resource for people that are coming in

for relationship issues and want to work

with me and don't get a chance to and

this course is definitely not

therapeutic it's very different it's

more just is teaching you skills but it

is a great way to gain access to the

information and skills that I'm familiar

with that could help you in

relationships the course is currently

$40 off for the sale launch and so if

you want to take advantage of that do so

below there're also pay overtime options

as well all right let's get into

defenses how to see through people's

defense mechanisms I feel like one that

I've been noticing recently is something

called reaction formation reaction

formation is when somebody expresses the

exact opposite of what they really mean

it's essentially a way of preemptively

justifying or denying unacceptable

thoughts or feelings so for instance

people might say I'm not trying to be

mean but or I have nothing against her

but or I'mma let you finish but and this

is actually something that I do touch on

in my course the idea of but anytime you

say the word but in a sentence the

person hearing that doesn't really

believe everything you said before the

butt they kind of know that what you're

about to say next is what you really

mean I think it's interesting that a lot

of people when they have an unpopular

belief or a controversial Viewpoint they

will preface it with I'm not trying to

say this and that is exactly what

they're trying to say and I recently

realized that's actually a great example

of what virtue signaling is you know

like when someone puts for instance

anti-oppression in their Instagram bio

it's like okay like I don't think anyone

thought you were pro- oppression but now

I'm kind of wondering if you might be

because it's really important to pay

attention to the ways that people pre

preemptively justify themselves and try

to think about maybe they actually do

mean that thing let me give you another

example recently I was talking to

someone and I was sharing my feelings I

didn't make any sort of accusation but I

I shared my feelings about something and

immediately the other person got so

defensive and said well I didn't do this

and that like I don't know why you're

insinuating this I hadn't insinuated

that I was just sharing my feelings but

because they deep down felt responsible

for my hurt feelings in that moment they

felt the need to respond through this

reaction formation through stating the

exact opposite of what they knew deep

down to be true so that's reaction

formation pay attention to when people

unsolicitedly state things that just

seem kind of strange and ask yourself do

they maybe mean the opposite of what

they're saying another thing to pay

attention to is when people have

disproportionate reactions when people

have disproportionately emotional or

triggered reactions to something

often times it's a sign of their Shadow

Self being triggered now the Shadow Self

isn't technically a defense mechanism

but it is the embodiment of everything

that they do not want to be it is the

most ego distonic form of them meaning

it is a personification of everything

that they strive to be the opposite of

in day-to-day life either because of

childhood experiences or because of

experiences in their adult life doesn't

quite matter when somebody gets

disproportionately triggered about

something it's usually a reflection that

they see that thing in a part of

themselves in a part of their Shadow

Self and Shadow triggers come up

especially when people feel like they

haven't been doing a really great job of

suppressing their Shadow Self let's say

that somebody comes into your home and

says oh it's kind of messy today if you

are somebody whose Shadow Self is messy

you know you're a person who you do not

want to be messy whatsoever and you feel

like there's some truth to what they

said that you haven't really been as

tidy as usual lately then your Shadow

Self is probably going to get triggered

versus if you don't really care if

someone's messy if it's not a

particularly ego distonic trait for you

you're not going to get triggered and

even if you feel like yeah I don't want

to be messy but I don't think I am I

don't think I've been particularly messy

again you're not going to get triggered

people mostly get triggered about things

that are values misaligned and that they

feel they've not been completely true to

let me give you an example recently I

was watching this documentary about like

homelessness and drug use issues in

Seattle and there was this guy who was

being pretty mean in the way that he was

like approaching it being very harsh

with people uh you know putting them on

blast on social media stuff like that

and when I heard the way he was speaking

about it and how emotional he was

getting about it I turned to my husband

and I said I feel like he has some sort

of drug issue in the past because he's

getting so defensive over this that I

feel like it's personal for him and what

do you know 10 minutes later in the

documentary you learned that he was

actually a drug addict and uh sold drugs

himself

so that was definitely what was going on

it is so much easier for us to get

triggered over things that we don't want

to accept about ourselves and either

when somebody makes the slightest

accusation about us or if they

themselves do the behavior that we don't

like to see we have a disproportionate

reaction you know it's totally fine if

something doesn't sit right with you to

speak up about it to bring awareness to

it to even express emotions but pay

attention to moments when people are

just disproportionately upset about

something because it likely reflects

something deeper for them let's move on

to projection this one's going to be

probably the heftiest chapter in this

lesson projection is one that most of us

are familiar with it's when somebody

accuses another person of feeling or

thinking a way that they actually feel

or think or of doing something that they

actually did so for instance you will

often see cheaters getting very paranoid

about uh being cheated on because they

know well I cheat and so they project

that onto other people onto their

partner for instance when I was in

college I would get really irritated

with this one friend of mine because I

feel I felt like she was being too nice

I felt like she was letting people walk

all over her what do you know it was

actually my own stuff coming up I felt

that way about myself pay attention to

anytime someone makes a very broad

statement about the World At Large about

Humanity at large about the way that the

world Works anytime they paint with one

f swoop it's usually a projection if

somebody says the whole world is so

terrible they're just out to get you

often times paranoia is a projection of

your own aggression feel like other

people are out to get you because you

yourself have aggression that you're not

acknowledging that maybe if you were

able to acknowledge that hey I actually

have some my own aggression I'm not

always happy for other people you might

be able to realize that other people

aren't out to get you it's your own

stuff that you're projecting and also

pay attention to accusations people make

when they accuse you of feeling a

certain way that you actually don't feel

because if it's out of the blue you know

if somebody says oh my God like you

really hated her dress didn't you you're

like what like did I I hate her dress I

when did I say that I don't remember

feeling that way uh maybe I I guess it's

not too pretty stop ask yourself is this

person projecting their own feeling onto

me are they accusing me of this

outlandish thing because that's how they

feel and they cannot handle

acknowledging that within themselves or

for instance when somebody is saying I

don't want you to think I'm being mean

you know regardless of whether they're

actually being mean what they really

mean in that moment is probably I feel

mean I feel like what I'm about to say

is mean and another example of

projection and this is a sensitive topic

when abusers accuse their victims of

being the ones that them that is a

classic case of projection darvo deny

attack reverse victimization offend is a

technique that is essentially rooted in

projection because the other person is

unable to acknowledge themselves as

deeply hurting another human being and

partly to character assassinate them but

partly also because they can't hold that

reality about themselves they project it

onto the other person they say you are

the one that's being horrible to me

you're verbally abusing me you're doing

this and that when in reality it's them

who's doing it and again it's a very

sensitive topic because you really have

to understand the ins and outs of the

couple very well it's very fine-tuned to

figure out who actually has the power

and control in this relationship who is

acting out of reactive abuse and who is

the aggressor it's very difficult and

I'm not telling you to try to go around

figuring out who's lying about being a

victim please don't do that but you also

need to be aware that aggressors are

going to mimic those sorts of

accusations another defense is denial

this is another one of those I think

will be familiar to a lot of us denial

is the inability to hold the truth of

the matter because it's too painful

denial is often one of the first stages

of grief when you find out that you've

just lost someone super important to you

it's too painful for you to handle and

so you go into denial mode you try to

convince yourself that maybe hope isn't

completely lost other times denial comes

in the form of gaslighting it comes in

the form of people saying I never said

that or that didn't happen or no I

didn't or when did I I don't think that

that doesn't sound like me it's like

they're playing tennis you throw a ball

saying hey here's a piece of information

and they cannot handle it because it's

too painful for them so they just bounce

it right back and then you're left with

a bunch of tennis balls hitting you in

the face you notice someone flat out

denying something that you remember

happened or an emotion that you told

them about remember it's not that your

memory is wrong it's not that it didn't

happen it's that the reality of that is

too painful for them to hold they're not

ready to take responsibility they're not

ready to look their own faults in the

face for whatever reason compensation is

another defense compensation you can

also call it

overcompensation when one thing is meant

to mask the polar opposite for instance

grandiosity that affects people with

narcissism is meant to mask its polar

opposite which is deep insecurity or

perfectionism is meant to mask feeling

never good enough or Mania from a

psychodynamic perspective Mania is a

defense meant to mask depression you

have this deep pit of sadness inside you

the way that your mind reacts sometimes

is to swing to the opposite side and

convince you that you're on cloud n and

that everything is just groovy and that

you are the happiest person in the world

and of course you know everything in

life tries to balance itself out

eventually it's going to crash splitting

is a defense mechanism where you view

people as all good or all bad and often

times splitting is very context

dependent you can go from seeing someone

as all good to seeing them as all bad

and you can some s also split groups of

people saying all nurses are bad all

doctors are good for instance how to

notice when someone's splitting pay

attention to people who aren't able to

live in the gray who describe people as

all good or all bad or are not able to

hold both they can't say yeah you know

this person really hurt my feelings we

had a really toxic friendship and also I

wish them the best or and also we had a

first couple of years of the friendship

that was pretty good they struggle with

that and even if they verbalize it you

know even if they say to realities that

seem contradictory you get the sense

that they're only able to really feel

one side they're only really able to

feel that this person's all bad or that

this person's all good and also pay

attention to people who do that to you

pay attention to people who you know you

make one mistake and suddenly you are

the worst person in the world or you're

just minding your own business and

suddenly it's like oh my God you're just

you're the best you're the best person

ever because they're going to switch up

on you at some point based on context

based on how you trigger them based on

other people that come into their life

they're going to switch up you're going

to become the bad object at some point

and sometimes they'll literally

juxtapose people they'll say oh Vanessa

is the best she is my best friend she's

nothing like Sasha who was just like so

terrible to me that is again that

polarity it's needed to balance

everything out in life people don't want

to feel like they're being super harsh

they want to feel like they're being

charitable so they they'll often Elevate

one person while putting down another

and saying well yes I'm putting down

this person but you I'm elevating I

think you deserve to be elevated and it

might feel good in the moment if you're

all good and somebody else is all bad

that they're referencing but trust me

it's not going to feel so good when it

switches up on you now defenses related

to this are idealization and

devaluation and it's kind of similar

when you idealize someone you see them

as all good and unconsciously you see

yourself is the opposite you see

yourself as completely devalued and the

opposite is true as well you see

somebody else as completely devalued

worthless terrible and unconsciously you

idealize yourself because anytime we

devalue someone we're basically saying

oh I'm nothing like that I'm so much

better than them so if you feel

idealized think about how the person

you're talking to might actually feel

worthless deep down or if you feel

devalued realize that the other person

is doing that because they're trying to

idealize themselves it's not that

personal it's really more about their

self-esteem than it is about you I think

I have a really remarkable opportunity

here to talk a little bit about how

defenses show up with public figures I

Would by no means say I'm a famous

person I am a public figure on the

internet with a relatively large

audience and the more my audience has

grown the more outlandish some of the

accusations and comments that I get are

and I think that's because the bigger

you make it the easier it is for people

to project on you you know like a couple

weeks ago I got this comment that said I

hate quirky psychopath YouTubers like

this I wouldn't necessarily think of

myself as either quirky or a

psychopath and so when I hear stuff like

that I think that's so interesting that

that is what this person chose to see in

me I just don't think you can as easily

do that when someone has say 120

subscribers versus 400,000 it's easier

to project on more public figures

because on some level you don't see them

as human you don't you know you just

don't you see them as like Larger than

Life and you project your own stuff onto

them another really big example of this

I actually made a video on this because

it was so concerning to me when the

whole Haley Bieber Selena Gomez most

recent Scandal came down everyone was

saying oh my God Haley Bieber is such a

mean girl while at the same time being

incredibly mean to her saying horrible

things in the comments that was a case

of them projecting their own issues onto

a public figure that they frankly do not

know anything about that's one thing is

people project their own stuff onto

public figures something else is that

their own insecurities come up

completely untriggered by anything the

other person did you know a person could

literally just look like their ex and

they would hate them or if a person is

like University professor and they want

to be a university professor and they

feel bad that they're not able to become

one they're not able to get hired or get

a doctor or whatever it is then that

Envy is going to result in a whole lot

of vital directed towards that person

something else is that a lot of times

people will devalue the figure to

idealize themselves or sometimes they'll

idealize the figure they'll say this

person's all good and then eventually

they'll switch on them they'll do

splitting you know they'll go from

saying this is the coolest person in the

world to I hate this person I wish they

were cancelled they also displace their

issues I haven't talked about

displacement in this video um again IAL

about it in the Haley Bieber Selena

Gomez video displacement is when you put

your emotional reaction onto the wrong

target you know let's say somebody makes

you mad you go and unleash it on

somebody different people displace their

stuff onto celebrities all the time they

displace issues that they have with

people in their real life onto public

figures and they also let their Shadow

self get triggered you know like I said

pay attention to disproportionate

reactions when somebody has a dis

proportionate reaction to something a

celebrity that they don't know does

often times it's because that person did

something that is a part of their own

shadow self now I've talked about

defenses more specifically and this is

by no means a comprehensive list there

are dozens upon dozens of defenses but

let's talk a little bit about General

defensiveness General defensiveness the

way to see through people's General

defensiveness is to pay attention to

what people get defensive over even when

no accusation was made atten to what

people perceive as an attack or

preemptively Justify or excuse

themselves over because it reflects

something about how they see themselves

or something that they themselves are

insecure over for instance a while ago I

was talking to someone and they

preemptively sort of Justified something

they had said and I was like okay that's

interesting I made note of it I didn't

automatically assume they were lying to

me I waited for more evidence but I did

pay attention to the fact that they felt

the need to preemptively just justify

this thing they had said to me and later

on it did come to light that they had

lied to me they were defensive about

something they told me because they knew

it wasn't true I didn't know that I

didn't accuse them of that they were the

ones that outed themselves and also when

we talk about General defensiveness pay

attention to what people don't say this

is important you know people talk a lot

and yes you can see their defenses

through what they say and what they do

but you can also see their defenses

through what they don't say and what

they don't do for instance I've recently

started this habit that I love every

single day this is not sponsored or

anything but I have this journal that

I've been doing with my grandma let me

show it to you one sec this it's called

Grandma's story it's so pretty and so it

has just a bunch of questions to ask

your grandma about her life her

upbringing words of wisdom all that

stuff and I thought it would be so cool

if every day when I call my grandma we

could run through a few of these

questions and I can transcribe what

she's saying we were running through her

early childhood and I noticed at one

point that she didn't say anything about

her sister her younger sister in all her

memories when I asked her who did you

play with what did you play with did you

live in your own room she never brought

up her sister and at one point I asked

her about it I said you know you never

talk about your sister and again she

wasn't able to really give me an

explanation as to why the only thing I

can surmise is that her sister for some

reason brings up painful emotions that

she's not ready to hold I suspect it

might have to do with the fact that she

outlived her little sister by a good few

decades so also pay attention to what

people don't talk about pay attention to

the things that you would think are

super emotionally important for them to

discuss that they just don't bring up I

hope this video gave you some insight

into how to see through people's

defenses a little bit I hope it also

give you some insight into your own

defenses that is always the goal of

psychology is to see through your own

but I think it's important also to be

mindful of others defense mechanisms

because sometimes they can harm the

people around us when we're overly

defensive when we're not aware of our

defense mechanisms not working through

them it can be harmful so if you're able

to arm yourself with this information

and realize when someone is splitting on

you devaluing you projecting on you I

think you will be able to better take

responsibility for just what is yours

and to leave the rest behind don't

forget to check out the course if you're

interested check out my books in the

description box and I'll see you

[Music]

soon