12 (Stoic) Questions That Will Change Your Life
Summary
TLDRIn this insightful talk, Ryan Holiday shares 12 thought-provoking questions derived from Stoicism and other ancient philosophies that can help guide modern life. He explores the importance of self-awareness, control, ideal day design, purpose, and meaningful action. Through these questions, Holiday encourages reflection on how we spend our time, who we surround ourselves with, and whether our actions align with our values and goals. By focusing on what truly matters, these philosophical practices can shape a more purposeful and fulfilling life.
Takeaways
- 💡 Knowing your values helps you focus on what truly matters and ignore distractions.
- ❓ The right questions at the right time can change the direction of your life.
- 👥 The people you spend time with shape who you are; choose wisely.
- 🎯 Focus on what is within your control and let go of what isn't, as emphasized by Stoic philosophy.
- 📅 A good life is made up of good days; define what an ideal day looks like for you.
- 🏆 Decide whether you want to 'be' important or 'do' important things, and focus on impact over recognition.
- 🤔 Ask yourself what is the most important thing in your life and make sure you're putting it first.
- 🌍 Empathy is key in any creative process; always know who you're making something for.
- 📈 Ensure that each moment counts as 'alive time' rather than 'dead time'; make the most of the present.
- 🧭 Life asks us the question of meaning, and we answer through our actions and choices.
Q & A
What is the significance of knowing what you truly value and where you're going in life?
-Knowing what you value and where you're going allows you to focus on what truly matters and ignore distractions that don't contribute to your goals.
Why does the speaker emphasize the importance of asking the right questions?
-The speaker believes that the right questions at the right time can change the direction of your life, offering more valuable insights than simply searching for answers.
How does the concept of control relate to Stoic philosophy?
-Stoic philosophy emphasizes focusing on what is within your control, such as your actions, thoughts, and opinions, and letting go of what is not, like external events.
What does the question 'What does your ideal day look like?' help you determine?
-This question helps you design your life by identifying what an ideal day looks like for you, ensuring your daily actions align with your long-term goals and values.
What is the meaning behind the question 'To be or to do'?
-The question 'To be or to do' asks whether you care more about appearing important or actually making an impact. It challenges you to prioritize meaningful accomplishments over seeking recognition.
How does the speaker define the most important thing in life?
-The most important thing in life, according to the speaker, is what you truly value, such as relationships or personal integrity, which should take precedence over external success.
Why is it crucial to ask 'Who is this for?' when creating something?
-Understanding who your work is for ensures that you create with a clear audience in mind, which helps you meet their needs and connect with them more effectively.
What does it mean to live a 'lifetime' instead of 'dead time'?
-Living a 'lifetime' means using every moment productively and meaningfully, while 'dead time' refers to wasting time and being passive, missing opportunities for growth.
How does the question 'Is this who I want to be?' influence personal decisions?
-This question encourages you to reflect on whether your actions align with the person you aspire to be, ensuring that your choices are consistent with your values and goals.
What does Viktor Frankl mean by stating that life is asking us the question of meaning?
-Viktor Frankl suggests that meaning in life is not predefined but created through our actions and decisions. Life challenges us to find meaning by how we respond to it.
Outlines
🔍 The Power of Values and Focus
Understanding what you value and where you're headed allows you to concentrate on what truly matters while ignoring distractions. The key to wisdom lies in asking the right questions rather than seeking quick answers, which can shift the direction of your life. Author Ryan Holiday shares insights from Stoic philosophy, emphasizing the importance of asking meaningful questions derived from ancient wisdom to guide modern life.
👥 The Influence of Relationships
Who you surround yourself with can greatly influence your direction in life. Quoting figures like Gertrude and Seneca, Ryan Holiday urges reflection on whether the people you spend time with elevate you or hold you back. Decisions regarding friendships may be difficult but are essential for personal growth, as relationships either contribute positively, negatively, or keep you stagnant.
💭 What’s in Your Control?
The Stoic philosopher Epictetus teaches that the key to contentment is distinguishing between what we can control and what we cannot. By focusing on our actions, thoughts, and responses—things within our control—we avoid wasting energy on external factors like the weather or events beyond our influence. This mental shift is essential for living a balanced and focused life.
📅 Defining Your Ideal Day
Your life is shaped by the days you live. Holiday references Seneca and author Annie Dillard to highlight that knowing what makes up your perfect day—whether it's personal time, family activities, or fulfilling work—helps you design a meaningful life. Without defining an ideal day, you risk being consumed by external ambitions, such as wealth or power, that may not align with your true desires.
🏆 To Be or To Do?
This essential question, inspired by strategist John Boyd, invites self-reflection on whether you're striving for recognition or true impact. Holiday contrasts the pursuit of status with the desire to achieve meaningful results, using examples from history to illustrate the difference. The choice to prioritize genuine accomplishments over personal glory defines whether you're a doer or someone chasing titles.
⚖️ Balancing Self and Others
The duality of self-interest and altruism is explored through a quote by Hillel: 'If I am not for me, who is?' and 'If I am only for me, who am I?' Holiday explains that while it’s important to stand up for yourself, a life focused solely on personal gain is empty. Figures like George Marshall demonstrate the power of selfless leadership, showing that collective efforts often leave the biggest legacy.
😟 Worry vs. Opportunity
Anxiety and fear divert our attention from opportunities. Citing Gavin de Becker’s 'The Gift of Fear,' Holiday warns that excessive worry drains emotional resources, preventing us from seeing possibilities. By treating fear as destructive, we can redirect our focus toward more productive and positive efforts.
🛠️ Are You Doing Your Job?
The importance of knowing and focusing on your responsibilities is highlighted through an anecdote from NFL coach Sean Payton and the mantra 'Do Your Job.' Whether in life or an organization, it’s easy to be distracted by others’ tasks. Holiday emphasizes the need to remain focused on your own role and consistently deliver on it.
🎯 What’s Most Important to You?
If you don’t know what truly matters, you won’t be able to prioritize it. Holiday shares that defining your core values, such as family or personal balance, helps you make clear decisions. Inspired by Seneca’s idea of euthymia—knowing your path and not being distracted by others'—Holiday encourages focusing on what aligns with your values, allowing you to ignore what doesn’t.
🧑🤝🧑 Who Is This For?
Understanding your audience is crucial for creators and entrepreneurs. Holiday explains that many people create content or products without considering who they are serving. By knowing who your work is for and having empathy, you can tailor your efforts to meet real needs rather than following vague assumptions.
🧐 Does This Matter?
Marcus Aurelius’ principle of asking 'Is this essential?' helps cut through trivial concerns. Holiday explains that many of the things we focus on—whether small frustrations or ego-driven conflicts—don’t matter in the grand scheme of life. Stephen Colbert’s reflections after family tragedy highlight that in moments of clarity, only relationships and doing your best truly matter.
⏳ Live Time vs. Dead Time
The concept of live time versus dead time, as taught by Robert Greene, is about making every moment count. Whether in moments of waiting or uncertainty, such as during the pandemic, Holiday argues for actively using time to grow and improve rather than passively letting it slip by. Seneca’s wisdom reminds us that life isn’t short; we just waste a lot of it.
🙋 Is This Who I Want to Be?
Each action you take reflects on the person you are becoming. Holiday, inspired by Cheryl Strayed, suggests evaluating whether your actions align with your values and long-term goals. Small decisions accumulate, and consistently choosing behaviors that reflect your best self is key to personal growth and integrity.
📖 Life is Asking You Questions
Inspired by Viktor Frankl’s work, Holiday concludes with the idea that life itself asks us the question of meaning, and it’s our actions that provide the answer. By consistently making choices that align with our values and aspirations, we create a meaningful existence, one question and one answer at a time.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Stoicism
💡Control
💡Ideal Day
💡To Be or To Do
💡Fear
💡Doing Your Job
💡Values
💡Empathy
💡Euthymia
💡Meaning
Highlights
Knowing your values and where you're going helps focus on what matters and ignore distractions.
The right question at the right time can change the direction of your life.
Who you spend time with shapes who you become; choose people who make you better.
Focus on what is in your control, as Epictetus emphasized, and ignore what you can't change.
Life is made up of days, and how you spend them reflects the kind of life you're building.
Clarifying what your ideal day looks like helps you align your life with what matters most to you.
To be or to do: Are you seeking status or making an impact? Focus on meaningful actions over recognition.
Balancing self-interest with the greater good leads to a meaningful and impactful life.
Worrying distracts from what truly matters. Shift focus to what is essential.
Always ask yourself if you are doing your job, not just focusing on others' tasks.
Knowing what is most important to you helps ensure you're putting your energy in the right places.
Understanding who you're creating for is key to delivering meaningful work.
Ask if something truly matters in the grand scheme of things—focus on the essential.
Live time vs. dead time: Every moment is an opportunity to grow or stagnate—choose to make it count.
Your actions define the person you're becoming—ask if what you're doing aligns with who you want to be.
Transcripts
what do you actually value when you know
it's important and you know what you
value and know where you're going it
makes it easy for you to ignore what
doesn't matter and focus on what does
matter
[Music]
i think we often look for answers when
really it's the questions that teach us
the most i know that the right question
at the right time can totally change the
direction of your life i'm ryan holiday
i've been writing about stoicism now for
more than a decade and a half i've
talked to everyone from the nba to the
nfl special forces to sitting senators
and we talk about how these ancient
ideas these philosophical practices can
help us in the course of modern life and
today i wanted to give you 12 questions
that i think about all the time derived
from the stoics and otherwise people
from the past that will help you whoever
you are whatever you're doing in your
life
who are you spending time with gertrude
says
show me who you spend time with and i
will tell you who you are right seneca
talks about spending time with people
who make you a better person my dad said
to me as a kid you become like your
friends well the question is are you
spending time with people who are
averaging you towards where you want to
go are they averaging you away
from where you want to go this is a
question that can lead to some hard
decisions people that you're going to
spend less time with who are you seeing
after work who are you reading who are
you talking to the people we spend time
with are either going to make us better
they're going to make us worse or
they're going to keep us exactly who we
are which is either a good thing or a
very bad thing
[Music]
is this in my control epictetus says
this is the key
question this is the chief task of the
philosopher in life which is separating
the things that are up to us and the
things that are not up to us and so much
of the time and energy we spend in this
life are on things that are not up to us
that are not in our control it just
started raining i don't need to have an
opinion on the fact that it's raining
because it's not in my control but what
is in my control is what i'm going to do
right what's in our control is our
actions our thoughts our opinions right
and so the stoic learns to tune out
what's not in our control
and it focuses on what is in our control
and so we ask ourselves about everything
we experience everything we're feeling
everything we're working on is this up
to me or am i throwing good energy after
bad am i beating myself against a wall
that's never going to move
[Music]
what does your ideal day look like a
life seneca says is made up of days
annie dillard said how we spend our
lives is of course how we spend our days
right what does an ideal day look like
for you how are you trying to design
your life if you don't know what a good
day is like what your ideal is then
you're just going to be working on
making more money acquiring more fame
getting more power or influence you have
to ask yourself is this getting me
closer or further away from the life
that i want i've talked about how i know
exactly what my ideal day looks like
it's a saturday where i wake up early i
work out i do a little bit of writing i
spend lots of time with my family i have
time to think i haven't signed myself up
for a bunch of pointless obligations or
phone calls or meetings i
spend time outdoors i'm connected i'm
present and so i have to look at each
opportunity then that comes along any
day
and ask myself is it getting me closer
or further away from the kind of life i
want to lead and the kind of person that
i want to be
to be or to do this is a key question
that comes to us from the great
strategist john boyd who as he mentored
young men and women in the pentagon
would see that you kind of can go down
two paths in life there's a person who
wants to look important that wants to
achieve a high rank that wants to be in
the newspapers or on tv and then there's
the person who wants to quietly get
things done
you know i think it was truman who said
it's amazing how much you can accomplish
if you don't care about who gets the
credit to be or to do is is largely
about credit do you care about
accomplishments or do you care about
impact do you care about credit or do
you care about getting things done you
have to ask yourself am i trying to be
an important person am i trying to
accomplish important things and this
question is critical to be or to do how
are you measuring your life
[Music]
hillel said if i am not for me who is
then he said if i am only for me who am
i this i think is related to the idea of
to be or to do what's motivating you is
it external accomplishments
or is it making a difference in this
world yes you have to fight for yourself
you have to stand up for yourself you
get walked all over but if all you care
about is protecting yourself if all you
care about is attention who are you i
think about someone like george marshall
who accomplishes so much and perhaps his
greatest accomplishment is turning down
the command at normandy he didn't want
his personal feelings to be taken into
account again to be or to do but also
who am i for
and who am i yes he fought really hard
to get where he was to make a difference
but then he also knew that ego didn't
matter in the end what mattered is the
team effort there's a great expression i
heard that says if you play for the name
on the front of the jersey they'll
remember the name on the back
what am i missing by choosing to worry
or be afraid one of my favorite books is
the gift of fear by gavin to becker and
he says when you worry ask yourself what
am i choosing not to see right now right
we only have so much in the way of
cognitive resources or time or emotional
uh energy how are you going to spend it
and then often by being anxious by being
worried by taking things personally by
being afraid we're taking our eye off
the ball and so i want you to see those
emotions not just as unpleasant but
actively destructive because they are
stuff's gonna happen in life that makes
us emotional but we have to realize that
we're only compounding that by acting on
those emotions
are you doing your job this is a key
question um when sean payton was uh
suspended from the nfl pre for a year he
put up a big picture of himself in the
saints facility in three words said do
your job this is the thing i think it
comes from bill belichick but the idea
is that everyone has a job in every
moment sometimes that's a little job
sometimes it's a big job but everyone
has to know their job in an organization
in life you got to ask yourself are you
doing it i think in the end we end up
focusing on everyone else's job than our
own because it's easier than doing our
own and that's why i like this question
so much are you doing your job and if
you aren't why not if you are good keep
doing
[Music]
what is the most important thing to you
what do you actually value if you don't
know what's important how do you know
that you're putting it first and so to
me all the other questions of life come
after you have asked and answered what
the most important thing to you is in
life if you told me i could sell 10
times as many books but it'd come at the
expense of my marriage or my
relationship with my kids i'd say screw
that right because i know the most
important thing to me is how those
things are in balance with each other
yes my work is important but it's not
the most important thing you know seneca
talks about this idea of euthymia he
says knowing the path that you're on
and not being distracted by the
paths of the people who's crisscross
yours this is especially the people who
are hopelessly lost when you know it's
important when you know what you value
and know where you're going it makes it
easy for you to ignore what doesn't
matter and focus on what does matter
who is this for this is a question as a
creator you always have to know who are
you making this for i talk to so many
entrepreneurs business people
creatives who have no idea they're just
making stuff they just hope it will find
an audience they go oh this is a book
for smart people you have to know who
you're making this for you have to know
your audience you have to know the
market you have to know human beings
this is why empathy is so important who
are you making this for who are they
where where are they what do they want
you have to know who this is for so i
always ask myself if they're making a
video or putting out a tweet or writing
a book screw your hunches who is this
for who are they
[Music]
does this actually matter right so many
of the things we're upset about that we
hold on to that we focus on they don't
matter not to you to anyone at all they
don't they just don't matter marcus
aurelius says ask yourself in every
moment is this essential this is because
most of what we do and say is not
essential he says when you eliminate the
inessential you get the double benefit
of doing the essential things better
stephen colbert loses his father and
several siblings in a plane crash as a
young man and he said what he took out
of this was a question from his mother
she said can you look at this in the
light of eternity does this matter in
the big picture right because so many of
the things we trivially get upset about
that we focus on
in moments of crisis we get real clarity
about we realize it didn't matter at all
people
matter your loved ones matter doing your
best matters everything else is
irrelevant and yet that's where we focus
so much of our time and energy
will this be a live time or dead time
that's something robert greene asked me
when i was thinking about becoming a
writer i had like a year to kill before
i could go do and he said what's this
year going to be for you is it going to
be a live time or dead time for you
you're going to use every second or
you're going to sit around and be
passive and wait that came flooding back
to me in the pandemic when we went into
lockdown it's going to be a live time or
dead time what am i going to have to
show for this whether it's two weeks or
two months or two years what am i going
to have to show for this period a live
time treat every moment like a lifetime
because while you have it you're alive
but after it's gone it's dead right
now is now can you use this time what
can you use it for if you always choose
a lifetime then you're always getting
better then you're always moving forward
you're not wasting time seneca says it's
not that life is short it's that we
waste a lot of it we kill time as time
is killing us
and the truth is you always have the
ability to make the most of this moment
so often we choose not to because we we
don't ask ourselves this question
[Music]
is this who i want to be
is this representative of the person
that i see myself as that i am trying to
become
or am i giving into my lower self here
am i taking a shortcut here am i doing
something that the person that i see
myself as wouldn't do cheryl straight
says you know
you're becoming who you're going to be
so you might as well not be an
when you do things you have to ask
yourself is this representative
of my character
of my priorities of my values of what i
said is important to me if the answer is
no you have to not do it how we do
anything is how we do everything you
have to ask yourself this question is
this who i want to be every interaction
every situation big or small because it
adds up in the way that nothing else can
if i could give you one more question
a last question a bonus question to you
it comes to us from victor frankel who
survives the holocaust he writes the
amazing book man search for meaning
you know he says we ask what is the
meaning of life
but he says actually
it is life that is asking us that
question
and it's our actions it's our decisions
that provide the answer
meaning is something we create from our
actions from our decisions from our
choices from who we choose to be these
are the kinds of questions that if you
ask often enough
you will provide as viktor frankl says
the kinds of answers
that make you who you're capable of
becoming if you want to learn more about
stoic philosophy
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