Why I Don’t Recommend Forgiveness -- A Psychological Analysis

Summary

In this reflective discourse, the speaker challenges the notion that forgiveness is an act of consciousness, drawing from personal experience with abusive parents. They recount a childhood marked by emotional and financial dependence, which necessitated a survival mechanism of forgiving their parents despite the trauma. As an adult, they reject societal and familial pressures to forgive, advocating instead for the courage to confront and process genuine feelings as a path to healing. The speaker emphasizes the importance of self-empathizing over empathizing with one's abusers and critiques the idea that forgiveness equates to maturity or consciousness, arguing that true healing involves acknowledging and honoring one's pain.

Takeaways

• 😡 The speaker rejects the notion of forgiveness as an automatic act of consciousness, stating that this idea can be harmful.
• 😔 Forgiving their parents was a survival mechanism during childhood, not a conscious, healthy choice.
• 🚫 The speaker's parents rejected their attempts to confront or express their feelings, which added to the trauma.
• 😞 The inability to express emotions and being forced to forgive led to deep repression of pain, anger, and hurt.
• 😤 The speaker believes that not forgiving their parents allowed them to start their true healing process as an adult.
• 😟 They emphasize the societal pressure to forgive and how it can cause further harm by denying one's own feelings.
• 🧠 True healing, according to the speaker, comes from feeling and processing one’s own emotions, not through forgiveness.
• 🖤 The speaker criticizes the idea that one must empathize with their abusers, seeing this as a form of self-betrayal.
• 😣 Bitterness is seen as a necessary and honorable part of the healing process, and should not be rushed or suppressed.
• 💪 The speaker finds courage in rejecting the pressure to forgive and choosing to focus on their own emotional recovery instead.

Q & A

What was the speaker's initial reaction to the saying on the tea bag?

The speaker initially disliked the saying on the tea bag which stated 'forgiveness is an act of Consciousness,' as it made them want to throw away the tea and consider not buying from that company anymore.

Why did the speaker feel the need to forgive their parents during their childhood?

The speaker felt the need to forgive their parents during their childhood as a survival mechanism because they were dependent on them emotionally and financially, and their parents did many unethical and traumatizing things to them.

What was the speaker's experience when they tried to communicate their feelings to their parents?

When the speaker tried to communicate their feelings to their parents, they were met with rejection, which was extremely painful and contributed to their trauma.

How did the speaker's feelings get internalized during their childhood?

The speaker's feelings of hurt, anger, and desire to confront their parents got internalized and pushed down deep inside them, covered over by a facade of forgiveness.

What was the turning point for the speaker in breaking away from their family?

The turning point for the speaker was when they became geographically distant from their family, learned financial independence, and started allowing themselves to feel their true emotions.

Why did the speaker find the process of feeling their emotions to be terrifying?

The speaker found the process of feeling their emotions to be terrifying because it was the beginning of their healing process, and there was a lot of societal and internal pressure to suppress those feelings and maintain forgiveness.

What criticism did the speaker face from their family when they started expressing their true feelings as an adult?

As an adult, the speaker faced criticism from their parents who were highly critical when the speaker began to express that the treatment they received as a child was not okay.

What does the speaker believe is the role of empathy in the healing process?

The speaker believes that empathy should be directed towards oneself and one's own feelings rather than empathizing with the parents who caused the trauma, as the latter does not contribute to healing.

Why does the speaker argue that forgiveness is not always an act of Consciousness?

The speaker argues that forgiveness is not always an act of Consciousness because it can be a form of denial and a way to avoid dealing with one's true feelings, which are necessary for the healing process.

What is the speaker's stance on the common advice to understand and empathize with one's parents?

The speaker's stance is to reject the common advice to understand and empathize with one's parents, as it can lead to selling oneself out and taking the side of the traumatizer, rather than focusing on one's own healing process.

How does the speaker view the stage of bitterness in the healing process?

The speaker views bitterness as an honorable and necessary stage of the healing process, where traumatized individuals are expected to feel bitter as part of coming to terms with their experiences.