Crushes, Romantic Friendships & Boston Marriages
Summary
TLDRThis script delves into the 19th-century concept of 'separate spheres' for men and women, leading to distinct homosocial environments. It explores the prevalence of 'crushes' among young women, viewed as innocent and beneficial for their development. The narrative shifts to 'romantic friendships,' intense, often sexual relationships between women, and 'Boston marriages,' long-term partnerships offering economic, professional, and emotional support. The script also touches on men's romantic friendships and the evolving societal and expert perspectives on these relationships, hinting at a forthcoming discussion on their implications.
Takeaways
- 🏛️ The concept of 'separate spheres' in the mid-19th century reinforced the division of labor between men and women, with men in the public sphere and women in the domestic sphere.
- 🤝 This ideology led to the normalization and idealization of same-sex relationships, as individuals of the same sex spent most of their time together.
- 💐 'Crushes' or 'smashes' were common among young women in the late 19th century, often involving affection between girls and viewed as innocent and temporary by adults.
- 🎓 During high school or college years, crushes were especially popular and could involve gift-giving and social invitations, further normalized by all-female dances at universities.
- 📜 The 1900 Vassar student newspaper poem illustrates the conflation of same-sex crushes with heterosexual ones, using similar expressions of love and desire.
- 📒 Mary Culver's diary entries from Vassar reveal adoration for both male and female friends, showing that expressions of affection were not limited to one gender.
- 💕 Romantic friendships were intense, loving relationships between two individuals that could include physical displays of affection and were common across class and racial boundaries.
- 🤝♀️ 'Boston marriages' were long-term committed relationships between two women, often involving friendship, professional partnership, and sometimes romantic love.
- 🏡 These relationships provided economic, professional, and emotional support, and were a common domestic arrangement for queer women in the past.
- 👥 Romantic friendships and Boston marriages were seen as more spiritual than physical, and men were also known to have such relationships without social stigma.
- ⚠️ By the late 19th century, experts began to warn about the potential sexual dangers of these relationships, associating them with homosexuality.
Q & A
What was the concept of 'separate spheres' in the mid-19th century America?
-The concept of 'separate spheres' was an ideology that divided men's and women's labor as more natural. It suggested that men belonged in the public sphere for work, while women should stay at home to care for children, thus legitimizing the division between the roles of men and women.
How did the 'separate spheres' ideology influence the social environment of the time?
-The 'separate spheres' ideology led to distinct homosocial environments where individuals of the same sex spent most of their time together. This resulted in American culture idealizing and normalizing same-sex relationships.
What were 'crushes' or 'smashes' in the late 19th century, and how were they viewed by adults?
-'Crushes' or 'smashes' referred to the affection one girl had for another, common among young women, especially during their high school or college years. Adults viewed these as relatively harmless and innocent friendships that helped girls grow into more compassionate and kind women.
How did crushes manifest in the form of gifts and social events?
-Crushes manifested through the bestowing of gifts such as flowers, candy, and poetry. They also involved social events like inviting the crush to college social functions, luncheons, sporting events, or dances, which further normalized these same-sex friendships.
What was the significance of the Freshman Frolic at Smith College?
-The Freshman Frolic was a dance at Smith College where sophomores invited freshmen of their choice. It was a popular event that showcased the social dynamics and the practice of upperclassmen courting younger classmates, often through gift-giving and social engagements.
How did romantic friendships differ from crushes, and what were their characteristics?
-Romantic friendships went beyond crushes to become mutual relationships between two individuals who were deeply devoted to each other. They involved writing romantic letters, describing each other as soul mates, and could include physical displays of affection, even though they were often described as largely spiritual or asexual.
What evidence is there of romantic friendships across class and racial boundaries?
-Historians have found evidence of romantic friendships not only among white middle-class women but also across class and racial boundaries. For example, the relationship between Addie Brown, a domestic worker, and Rebecca Primus, a school teacher, is a documented case of a romantic friendship between two Black women.
What was the term 'Boston marriage' and what did it describe?
-'Boston marriage' was a term coined in the late 19th and early 20th centuries to describe a long-term committed relationship between two women. These relationships often included elements of friendship, professional partnership, creative collaboration, and sometimes lesbian romance.
Why did some women choose not to marry during the late 19th century?
-Some women chose not to marry to enjoy the freedom to pursue education and careers, especially when they had no other options. However, others may have chosen not to marry because they were not heterosexual, although they could not declare such identities due to the lack of modern terms like lesbian, bisexual, etc.
What were the advantages of 'Boston marriages' for the women involved?
-Boston marriages provided economic advantages by allowing women to save money by living together, professional advantages through mutual encouragement and collaboration, and personal benefits such as emotional support, friendship, and romantic love.
How did societal and expert perspectives on crushes, romantic friendships, and Boston marriages change by the late 19th century?
-By the late 19th century, experts on sex began to warn about the sexual dangers of crushes, romantic friendships, and Boston marriages, implying that these relationships tended to lead to or were examples of homosexuality, marking a shift in societal attitudes towards these relationships.
Outlines
🌐 The Emergence of Separate Spheres and Same-Sex Affection in the 19th Century
This paragraph discusses the 19th-century concept of 'separate spheres' which influenced middle-class Americans, legitimizing the division of labor between men and women. Men were expected to work in the public sphere, while women were to stay home and care for children. This ideology led to the separation of men and women into single-sex environments and the cultural acceptance of same-sex relationships as normal. The paragraph also explores the phenomenon of 'crushes' or 'smashes' among young women, which were viewed as innocent and temporary, helping them develop into compassionate women. Crushes often involved gift-giving and socializing at college events, such as all-female dances, which further normalized these relationships. The narrative includes examples from Vassar College and a poem from a 1900 student newspaper, illustrating the prevalence and acceptance of same-sex crushes.
💌 Romantic Friendships and the Complexity of Same-Sex Relationships
The second paragraph delves into 'romantic friendships,' which were more intense and mutual than crushes. These relationships often involved deep devotion, with partners describing each other as soul mates and exchanging romantic letters. Despite being described as largely spiritual or asexual, many of these relationships were in fact sexual. The paragraph provides examples of such relationships among white middle-class women and growing evidence of their existence across class and racial boundaries, including a passionate correspondence between two Black women, Addie Brown and Rebecca Primus. It also mentions that romantic friendships were common among men of the era, who were allowed to express love and physical affection openly. The paragraph concludes with the concept of 'Boston marriages,' long-term committed relationships between two women, which could encompass friendship, professional partnership, and romantic love.
🏡 Boston Marriages: The Practical and Emotional Benefits for Queer Women
The final paragraph examines 'Boston marriages,' a term used for long-term relationships between two women that could include economic, professional, and emotional benefits. It provides historical examples of such relationships, including those between Jane Addams and Mary Rozet Smith, and Mary Woolley and Jeanette Marks, highlighting the deep emotional connections and expressions of love in their correspondence. The paragraph also discusses the advantages of these arrangements, such as economic savings, professional collaboration, and personal support. It concludes with the story of Gail Laughlin and Dr. Mary Sperry, who lived in a Boston marriage for over 15 years, and whose wills and burial arrangements demonstrated their enduring love and commitment. The paragraph also notes the growing concern among sex experts about the potential sexual implications of crushes, romantic friendships, and Boston marriages, which will be further explored in subsequent lessons.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Separate spheres
💡Homosocial environments
💡Crushes
💡Romantic friendships
💡Boston marriages
💡James Buchanan
💡Mary Culver
💡Addie Brown and Rebecca Primus
💡Jane Addams and Mary Rozet Smith
💡Sexual dangers of romantic friendships
Highlights
In the mid-19th century, the concept of separate spheres became influential among middle-class Americans, legitimizing the division of labor between men and women.
Men were expected to work in the public sphere, while women were to stay home and care for children, creating distinct homosocial environments.
American culture began to idealize and accept same-sex relationships as normal, including affectionate relationships between young women known as 'crushes' or 'smashes'.
Crushes were common among young women during high school or college years and were viewed as harmless and beneficial for personal growth.
Adults expected crushes to be temporary and to give way to more fulfilling heterosexual relationships.
Younger students often developed crushes on older students, expressing admiration through gifts and social invitations.
Universities had all-female dances that normalized crushes and same-sex friendships.
At Smith College, sophomores invited freshmen to the Freshman Frolic, a dance that involved traditional dating rituals.
At Vassar College, young women played the male part at dances, often dressing in pants and coats, challenging traditional gender roles.
Romantic friendships went beyond crushes, involving deep devotion, soul mate declarations, and physical affection.
Romantic friendships were common across class and racial boundaries, as evidenced by the relationship between Addie Brown and Rebecca Primus.
Romantic friendships sometimes continued even after individuals entered into heterosexual marriages.
Definitions of manliness in the 19th century allowed for men to openly express love and physical affection towards male friends without stigma.
The term 'Boston marriage' described long-term committed relationships between two women, often involving multiple facets of life such as friendship, professional partnership, and romantic love.
Boston marriages provided economic, professional, and emotional advantages, allowing women to live, work, and love freely.
By the late 19th century, experts began to warn about the potential dangers of crushes, romantic friendships, and Boston marriages, linking them to homosexuality.
Transcripts
In the mid-19th century, the idea of separate spheres began to hold a powerful influence
on middle-class Americans. This concept basically legitimized that division between men's and
women's labor as more natural. So they argued that men went to work in the public sphere to work,
while women should stay at home to care for the children. So this middle-class
ideology of separate spheres separated men and women into distinct homosocial environments.
So individuals of the same-sex spent the majority of their time together and American culture began
to kind of idealize these same-sex relationships and really accept and sanction them as normal.
Let's look for example at the concept of crushes.
Crushes or smashes as they were called in the late 19th century, usually referred
to the affection of one girl for another and they were really common among young women at the time.
they were especially popular during the era of their high school or college years.
They were viewed by adults as relatively harmless relationships. These were innocent friendships
that girls developed and it would help them grow up to become more compassionate, kind women.
These were believed to be temporary in the stage of development of a young woman's life.
In most cases, adults hope that they would give away to these mature supposedly more fulfilling
heterosexual relationships. What would happen is a younger student would typically develop a crush
on an older student and they would express her admiration by bestowing gifts of flowers, candy,
poetry upon her crush. The older student then could reciprocate. They could
invite the younger student to college social functions. They could invite them to luncheons,
sporting events, or dances. In fact, many universities had all-female dances and these
further normalized crushes and these friendships, these same-sex friendships. Now sophomores for
example at Smith College. They would invite the freshmen of their choice to a dance known as the
Freshman Frolic. It was really popular for the upperclassmen to invite the younger classmen
to the event. The sophomore would send her date flowers, would pick her date up, would buy her
dinner, would fill out her dance card, would get her refreshments, and would walk her home. At
Vassar College, young women played the male part at dances and often dressed in pants and coats.
So assuming that everybody was happy at the end of the the date, they could even
make arrangements for future dates and that was expected. Just to show you how popular
and common these were, this was a poem that was printed in the 1900 Vassar student newspaper
and it talked about the numerous Valentines that a student had received. The poem went
like this" "Kate's heart belongs to a Harvard man and Jack's is given to Nell. The freshman's heart
to her Senior friend and Helen's heart to Belle. So this poem reveals not only the significance
of the Valentine as a means of expressing one's love to a crush but the conflation of same-sex
crushes with crushes between men and women. Girls frequently described their feelings for women
using the same expressions of love and desire that they use to describe their feelings toward men.
Mary Culver attended Vassar from 1913 to 1917 and she filled her diary with descriptions of
her daily life and multiple confessions of her adorations for her male and female friends as
well as her women teachers. During her senior year of high school, she apparently had so many crushes
that by April she determined to swear them off completely noting "no more crushes for
mine next year. I abhor them. I'm going to be good and refrain and do away with them."
But the following year, her freshman year at Vassar, she was again writing about her crushes,
"oh Ed is so nice so good-natured. He'd make an ideal husband. He left today and
I gave him a birthday present. He kissed me goodbye." A month later she was singing the
praises of the divine Henry Lodge with whom she had five dances with the night before.
So Culver also frequently described her crushes for girls in similar adoring
terms. A few days after beginning her freshman year at Vassar on September 22nd
she wrote, "oh I adore Agnes Rogers. I just hate myself for being so foolish about her." Culver
courted Agnes with candy and flowers and when Agnes walked hand in hand with her to chapel,
she gushed in her diary, "Agnes is a love." The next day Culver was ecstatic to report,
"this afternoon, I went for a ride with dear Agnes by my side. Ye gods, so near. Tonight i danced
with her and oh she is divine. She is, she is, she is, I love her madly." A month later, Culver had
moved on and was expressing her adoration for a girl named Bertha and another named Rosa Wilson.
She described these girls as pretty and cute and hoped that they would love her in return.
A scribbled note about an anonymous crush in the back of her diary read,
"She is divine. She has a disagreeable face but when she smiles she is adorable
and she smiles often. She speaks with a little boy voice and says such cunning things and laughs
and then just looks at you and holds your hand in the dark. A very crushable kissable girl."
Now, romantic friendships went beyond crushes to become these mutual relationships between
two individuals. Often this is where two friends would crush on each other right
and then they would become deeply devoted to each other and they would express this.
They would describe each other as soul mates. They would write romantic flowery letters to each other
and these were often intense and loving relationships that could include physical
displays of affection as well. Now although they were typically described as largely spiritual
or asexual relationships. The reality was is that many of these relationships were actually sexual
and romantic friendships that could include kissing, caressing,
bed sharing and declarations of enduring love. So romantic friendships were common and there's
lots of examples of these especially among white women of the middle classes. But we've also found
evidence of these and there's growing examples coming out all the time by historians
of romantic friendships across class and racial boundaries. So for example there
were two Black women - Addie Brown, a domestic worker and Rebecca Primus, a school teacher.
They formed a romantic relationship. Brown wrote passionate letters describing her desire to be
near Rebecca, "breathing the same air, with your arm gently drawn around me my head reclining on
your noble breast in perfect confidence and love. I'll never be happy again unless i am near you."
And Rebecca replied back saying, "I'll always love you and you only." So these romantic friendships
sometimes even continued after individuals married and committed to heterosexual relationships.
For example Sarah Butler Wister. She wrote to Jeannie Field Musgrove she said,
"I shall be alone entirely next week. I can give you no idea how desperately I shall want you.
Jeannie replied saying, "I love you and how happy i have been. You are the joy of my life."
So these romantic relationships again were quite common. These friendships would continue into
marriage but also they were common among men from this time period as well. Especially again these
middle class men and in fact men were allowed at that time to openly declare their love for a
male friend, to show their emotion without shame or stigma, and even to show physical affection.
If you look at old photographs from this era you might be surprised to see men holding hands or
embracing each other without any sense of shame. So definitions of what was considered manly back
then were far different from our modern ideas of manliness. Romantic friendships were seen as more
spiritual relationships than they were physical. James Buchanan the 15th president of the United
States himself was said to have enjoyed a romantic friendship as a young man with an individual named
William King a Senator from Alabama. Buchanan referred to this relationship as a communion
of central importance in his life and we don't know whether there was any sexual component to
the relationship. Because the letters between the two men were burned by Buchanan's niece.
But these relationships were again thought to ascend beyond even that physical realm.
A Boston marriage was a term coined in the late 19th and early 20th centuries to
describe a pairing between two women who formed a long-term committed relationship with one another.
Boston marriages were often simultaneously friendships, professional partnerships,
creative collaborations and lesbian romances. The traditional narrative teaches that these women
chose not to marry in order to enjoy the freedom to pursue an education and a career. Now this was
no doubt the case especially for many women at the time who didn't have any options any other
way but to not marry in order to allow them to pursue these these dreams. But it was also often
the case that people would choose not to marry because they just simply were not heterosexual.
So our modern terms again lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, or queer did not exist
at the time so it was not possible for them to declare those identities for themselves.
However, it was possible for them to choose not to marry.
Society called them spinsters but they could choose to move in with another single woman.
So as you can imagine this was a common domestic arrangement for queer women in the past.
Take for example the story of Progressive reformer Jane Adams and Mary Roset Smith. Adams was this
founder of Chicago's Hull House and Smith was an active club woman and a philanthropist. They
lived, they traveled, they co-owned a summer home together and their letters to each other reveal
a deeply intimate and personal relationship. In her May 26, 1902 letter, notice how Adams
calls Roset Smith "My dearest" and look at this line, "please give my love to the lady Eleanor
and you must know dear how i long for you all the time and especially during the last three weeks.
There is reason in the habit of married folk keeping together. Forever yours." Another
example comes from Mary Woolley and Jeanette Marks . They were a Progressive-era couple who lived in
a Boston marriage together. They met at Wellesley College and they became close friends and their
letters reveal a deep love for each other as well. Take a look at this one from July 9th, 1900.
"I have put my life into your hands dearest for the great overpowering love of which I had never
dreamed before has come to me and nothing can ever separate us. My other and better self..
Darling you must realize that I am with you, that my love is about you, that i am thinking of you,
that i love you as no one else in the world can love you. That you are my love the sweetest woman
in the world. I told you well that I felt always like lavishing my love upon you. I do now even on
cold and sympathetic paper. I feel that I cannot say again and again what you have heard so often,
what you know so well. It comforts me at this evening hour when my longing for you is so great."
A final example of a Boston marriage comes from California and it actually comes from
my own research on Progressive Era women and Boston marriages.
Gail lLughlin was an attorney and Dr. Mary Sperry was a physician and they were both
reformers and suffragists who lived together in a Boston marriage for over 15 years.
Laughlin was an organizer for the women's suffrage movement in the state and for the
national suffrage campaign. Dr. Serry worked to provide medical care to women and children.
So when Dr. Sperry died suddenly in the influenza epidemic of 1919, we have an opportunity through
her will to see the love and devotion that they had for each other. Sperry not only
passed on all of her property to Laughlin, but she also passed on her ashes, her bodily remains,
much to the shock of her family, Sperry insisted that everything go to Laughlin.
This of course upset them but Laughlin held onto her partner's property and her partner's ashes
and was obviously devastated by the loss of her partner. sS when she passed away in 1952,
so this is decades later, she requested in her will that the two of them be buried together,
side by side with their names etched on a single headstone. That's what this photo is here.
So you can see how intense these relationships were between these women.
Boston marriages obviously provided a number of advantages. Economically two women could
save money by living together. Professionally they could encourage, inspire, and collaborate
with each other on a number of reform efforts and personally they could provide emotional support,
friendship and romantic love for each other.
By the late 19th century, experts on sex began to warn about the sexual dangers of crushes,
romantic friendships, and Boston marriages, implying that all of these tended to lead to or
were examples of homosexuality so we'll discuss this development more in our next lesson.
関連動画をさらに表示
UNDERSTANDING FEMALE ATTRACTION: THE REAL REASONS WOMEN CHOOSE MEN
Borderline kadın kontrol edilebilir mi? Cinsellik olmadan ilişki olur mu? (Birkaç güzel soru)
Male Loneliness Epidemic?
سر نفسي عن المرأة يجعلها لا تتوقف عن ملاحقتك والتفكير بك ( سيكولوجية المرأة )
The Biggest Mistake Intelligent Men Make With Women
Women Always Check Out Men Sexually Before Anything Else
5.0 / 5 (0 votes)