1959 psychiatric interview with woman suffering from depression part 2
Summary
TLDRThe transcript captures a deeply personal conversation where the individual describes their struggle with emotional distress manifesting as physical symptoms like dizziness, nausea, and fainting. They recount their experience of feeling disconnected and isolated, even in the presence of others, and express a longing for normalcy and the ability to enjoy life. The narrative also touches on their childhood, the death of a parent, and a pervasive sense of fear and unhappiness that has persisted into adulthood, culminating in a desperate desire for change and a plea for help.
Takeaways
- 📸 The person has been photographed before and is familiar with the process of working with cameras and lights.
- 😖 The individual experienced dizziness and nausea, initially attributing these symptoms to physical causes, but later realizing they were emotionally triggered.
- 😨 The person fainted and had persistent nausea, which has been a recurring issue for years, leading to multiple hospital visits.
- 🕒 The emotional distress and physical symptoms worsened on a particular Monday morning after an unsettling event, causing the person to faint multiple times.
- 🎭 Despite the physical discomfort, the person managed to perform in front of an audience but struggled to engage emotionally with the performance.
- 👶 The person's emotional struggles seem to have roots in childhood, with early signs of unhappiness visible even in baby pictures.
- 😢 The person had a profound reaction to their father's death, experiencing nightmares and intense emotional distress.
- 😔 There are periods in the person's life where they felt emotionally numb, unable to cry or express feelings, which they found distressing.
- 🔒 The individual has trust issues, believing that trust has been betrayed in the past, leading to a tendency to withdraw from others.
- 👥 The person feels isolated and disconnected from others, even in social situations, and has difficulty forming close relationships.
- 😱 The individual described a frightening experience of feeling completely detached from their surroundings and others, as if in a dream-like state of isolation.
Q & A
What was the individual's initial reaction to feeling dizzy and nauseous?
-The individual was surprised that emotional factors could cause such physical symptoms, as they initially thought it was something physical like fainting or a stomach issue.
What was the person's experience on the Monday morning when they felt ill?
-The person felt extremely ill after an emotionally disturbing event, to the point of fainting twice and experiencing recurring blackouts every time they tried to get up from bed.
Why did the individual go to the hospital in the middle of the night?
-They went to the hospital because of severe physical symptoms like dizziness, vomiting, and a throbbing pain in their side, which they thought might be due to a physical ailment.
How long has the person been experiencing these symptoms?
-The person has been experiencing these symptoms for years, and they can trace them back to their childhood.
What was the person's emotional state after their father's death?
-The person was deeply affected, having nightmares about their father appearing as a monster and waking up crying from these dreams.
How does the person describe their ability to cry or express emotions?
-The person has periods where they can't cry, feeling completely dead inside, and at other times, they cry easily, indicating a fluctuation in their emotional expression.
What is the person's attitude towards trusting others?
-The person finds it difficult to trust anyone, as their past experiences have led them to believe that people are not trustworthy.
What kind of sensation does the person experience when they feel disconnected from others?
-The person describes feeling as if they are in a room alone, with everything out of focus and a barrier preventing them from connecting with others.
How does the person feel about their current state of life?
-The person feels that they are not truly living, as they don't enjoy anything anymore and often contemplate their existence, even considering death.
What does the person compare their emotional turmoil to?
-The person compares their emotional state to a ball of string that has become unraveled and tangled in knots, with each attempt to untangle it causing more knots.
What was the person's profession, and how did their emotional state affect their work?
-The person is involved in performing arts, likely a singer, and their emotional state made it difficult for them to smile or perform in front of an audience, affecting their ability to make others smile or laugh.
Outlines
😨 Emotional Triggers and Physical Symptoms
The speaker discusses their experience with physical symptoms like dizziness, nausea, and fainting, which they initially attributed to physical causes. However, they discovered that these symptoms were triggered by emotional distress. The speaker recalls a specific incident that led to severe illness and multiple fainting episodes, prompting a visit to the emergency clinic. They also mention a history of similar symptoms since childhood, which were often misdiagnosed as stomach issues. The conversation delves into the emotional impact of the speaker's father's death, which caused intense emotional reactions and nightmares, indicating a deep-seated emotional trauma.
😔 Emotional Isolation and Trust Issues
This paragraph explores the speaker's feelings of emotional isolation and distrust towards others. They describe periods in their life where they were unable to cry or feel emotions, feeling 'dead inside.' The speaker also admits to being sensitive to both being hurt and hurting others, yet they have never intentionally sought to cause pain. They express a lack of trust in others, stemming from past experiences where trust was betrayed. This has led to a barrier between them and other people, with the speaker often retreating into themselves, feeling disconnected even when in the company of others.
😖 The Experience of Emotional Disconnection
The speaker describes a distressing experience of feeling disconnected from their surroundings and people, even in a room full of people. They recount instances where they felt as if they were in a bubble, unable to connect with others or focus on anything around them. This sensation of being alone and disconnected has worsened over time, affecting their ability to perform at work and socialize. The speaker also mentions feeling like a 'ball of string' tangled in knots, unable to untangle the emotional issues they face, which has led to a worsening of their emotional state.
😞 The Struggle with Emotional Health and Suicidal Thoughts
In this paragraph, the speaker expresses a deep desire to feel normal and enjoy life like others, but they are unable to do so. They describe a sense of being dead, both emotionally and physically, and a lack of enjoyment in activities they once loved. The speaker admits to having suicidal thoughts, considering taking sleeping pills to end their life, but ultimately decides against it, thinking of their son and the possibility of change in the future. They also discuss their emotional struggles, feeling as if they are constantly unraveling and getting more entangled, with no resolution in sight.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Dizziness
💡Nausea
💡Fainting
💡Emotional Shock
💡Isolation
💡Trust Issues
💡Sensitivity
💡Depersonalization
💡Existential Crisis
💡Suicidal Ideation
💡Emotional Unraveling
Highlights
The individual experiences dizziness and nausea, attributing these symptoms initially to physical causes.
A realization that emotional triggers can cause physical symptoms such as fainting and severe nausea.
A history of chronic morning nausea for years, previously thought to be stomach-related.
An incident of emotional disturbance leading to immediate physical illness, including fainting.
A pattern of severe illness following emotional distress, with symptoms persisting even after getting out of bed.
A visit to the hospital due to fainting and severe side pain, indicating a search for a physical cause.
A childhood marked by emotional distress, visible in early photographs and memories.
The death of the individual's father causing profound emotional shock and haunting nightmares.
A tendency to not cry or show emotions, even when feeling the need to express sadness.
A lack of trust in others, stemming from past experiences of being let down.
Feelings of isolation and difficulty connecting with others, despite working with people constantly.
An episode of being 'a thousand miles away', unable to focus or connect with people around, even in a social setting.
A sensation of being alone and disconnected, even when physically surrounded by others.
The individual's struggle with feelings of being 'dead inside', unable to enjoy life or activities.
A contemplation of suicide as a result of intense emotional pain and a desire to escape.
A comparison of the emotional state to being a ball of string, tangled and unable to be untied.
The individual's wish to appear normal and the fear of being seen in their vulnerable state.
The emotional turmoil is described as living in a constant nightmare, affecting daily life and interactions.
A recognition of the emotional roots of physical symptoms, despite the individual's struggle to manage them.
Transcripts
coming please
well you have been photographed before
so I don't have to explain the lights to
you
the cameras but um and it's perfectly
normal to be a little bit tense at least
in the beginning
but I would like you to
tell me a little more or again
about the things we just discussed a few
minutes ago
namely
you remember what you told me you said
you had been feeling so dizzy today and
you were quite surprised quite surprised
at what
well I was quite surprised that uh
something emotional could cause such
symptoms I mean uh when I when I had
this happen to me before I thought it
was something physical this fainting and
then a very very bad nausea and I've had
this nausea for years in the morning
for years for years and uh I always
presumed that maybe
I couldn't eat sometimes I thought maybe
you know there's something wrong with my
stomach but um
on Sunday
um it was actually Monday morning
if you don't mind
okay
sorry everything else will go well on
Monday morning when something disturbing
happened to me I noticed that
immediately after that I was quite ill
and uh
um then then consequently every time I
tried to get up I would just think I
fainted completely twice and then after
that every time I would get above the
bed yes
every time I would try to get up off the
bed I would just just go black again I
could hardly make it let's say from the
bed to the doorway
and I felt intensely ill
that is a reason really the headache and
these dizzy spells you have from time to
time
and that is the reason that you went to
the hospital the other night and three
in the morning they're new to the
emergency clinic well uh
I uh I had fainted and I was lying on
the floor for quite a while and when I
went I mean I didn't think I could make
it to work that night but when my
pianist pole for me I said you know I
really wish we'd go to the hospital and
if there really is something so
I had a
very bad throbbing in my side and I
thought well gee you know
maybe it is something uh you should go
to the hospital maybe that's what's
causing it and making me feel so ill
something physical something physical
so he said well I don't really think you
should miss a night's work
um we better go and then after we'll go
down to the hospital and I said well all
right
all right and I went to
I went I mean I managed to get through
the evening it was very uncomfortable I
mean I couldn't smile I couldn't uh
put the
well you know when you're in front of an
audience you have to you're there to
make them smile to laugh too
and I just couldn't do it so finally we
went to the hospital and uh
this has been going on not just for a
few weeks or months but for some years
yes it's ever since I was a child I
suppose
I I noticed when I was a child on Amazon
well even in my baby pictures the
pictures I saw when I was let's say
three or four I looked at them and uh
it isn't a happy looking child it's a
child with big SATA
it's funny mine my son seems to look
like that too in this pictures see then
you told me that you're
greatest
shock or unhappiness occurred
and you always get the
you told me that you always get very
upset when you think of it right after
your father's death
was that the
immediately afterwards or the fact that
he had died or
well
um
I suppose it did affect me it uh
immediately after his death after his
burial and uh
I I had a very difficult time I
dreamed very much about it very very
terrible dreams when my father was
always seemed to be some kind of monster
used to haunt my dreams constantly and
I used to wake up
crying often crying in my dreams I wake
up and my face would be waiting I'd be
crying out loud you know
students used to disturb me very much
did you cry much as a child and as a
girl later on it's a young girl
I think there are periods in my life for
it
I wouldn't cry for a long person all of
a sudden I
mean something might happen then I'd
cried but there are many times in my
lifelong periods where I couldn't cry
um I wanted to cry
I wanted to cry I need to be able to
feel something when I seem to be just
completely dead inside I couldn't cry
anymore
you seem to feel dead inside and
couldn't cry and so you had no feelings
or
well just I suppose as if every feeling
had not knocked out of me
at those times could you feel for other
people
I don't know you might have been well
I'm
I'm rather sensitive to being hurt
myself so I suppose
I'm rather sensitive to hurting other
people
I mean I don't suppose I've ever gone
out of my way to then I mean if I know
something's going to hurt someone I'll
try to be very very tactful I don't like
to hurt people
I mean um
what I meant to ask is
um
most of us
are attached to some person or other or
several people and we are quite aware of
having
very definite feelings for these people
for instance you for your son and but
there are times when people who are not
feeling well just
feel very unhappy because they don't
seem to have the right feelings for
people anymore
well yes I know what you're getting at
now
well the fact is uh
I don't suppose I've ever really trusted
anyone I don't suppose I trust anyone
now
I mean you know
it seemed that
every time something seemed to happen to
me and if I let's say I wanted to trust
someone consequently uh
I would just find out that everyone no
one was to be trusted
and uh and what would you do then tell
yourself well that's just what I
expected or
hurt inside
but then I would just um
I find that I I have a tendency to um to
shy away from people
I mean I'm working with people
constantly but there's always a barrier
between me and people
well I seem to kind of crawl inside
Myself and I
I can't come out
the personality that's on the outside
isn't really me until almost most of the
time
see uh what I'd like to do now is get
you both pleased to
you where um
you were just about to tell me about
this experience that happens to you and
sometimes it's quite frightening of
being with a lot of people and suddenly
everything
well that you better tell us in your own
words well actually this hasn't happened
until uh
as I said before I've always felt alone
very much and I suppose I always have
been alone I don't think I could name
really one person some people can say
well my best friend is so and so bad I
don't think I could name any person
who's been my best friend I don't think
I've ever had
any friends
and um
this this has only happened actually
maybe during the last month or so but
I'll be in um
been since I was I was at work this was
about maybe two Sundays ago and I was
sitting there and uh I had gone to work
and uh
and
and I have been particularly upset in
the afternoon and by the time I got to
work I was in a complete
complete days I couldn't seem to focus
my mind on my job I knew I had to get up
there and sing and uh
I'm really project and so on but I I
just couldn't do it I couldn't smile at
all I tried hard very hard to smile but
I just couldn't smile
and uh I mean eventually it's the
evening wore on everyone was noticing it
several people said to me what's wrong
is she sick and the people said a couple
of them said you look as if you're a
thousand miles away and um
I already knew the songs I was singing
yeah I just was it was just mine was
like a blind almost so I was sitting at
the table with these different
people around me and uh
it's just as if I were here and I was
completely alone and there was no one
else in the room and there was someone
just sitting where you where you are
right now and I I was trying with my
mind to reach out and focus on this
person and I just couldn't it was it was
almost as if the room were completely
gone out of focus it was everything else
was kind of a
um blurry almost
and I
just as if I had a barrier around me
they couldn't get through to me and I I
couldn't get through to them
and it's an odd sensation because this
happened in your office the other day
I mean one minute I was with you
and all of a sudden the next moment
everything was out of focus and I wasn't
there anymore
and I mean it's a definite sensation
in my office it didn't last very long no
I came out of it with you but at the
club a couple of times I hadn't come out
of it all evening I haven't been able to
maybe because I was trying so hard to
try and get out of it but I couldn't
and I suppose because
um
well you're a very understanding type of
person
and you understood what it was all about
and you you helped me out of it maybe
but these other people are
they didn't realize and uh of course
that it only it only makes it worse for
me
when I'm up against some of these things
and then
people give me well they give me very
odd looks you know
um
and wondered whether you're sick
it's a sort of thing happening now
it's just that when this happens it
disturbs me and uh I can't uh I just
can't seem to hide it in front of other
people
and uh if it disturbs me I know it must
disturb them because quite
quite often people
make these remarks to me
well it's just like being something dead
you know
well I feel dead and I look dead and
people notice it
I mean
I think this I'm sick or something
sometimes I actually feel sick
you told me the other day that
you quite frequently think of
and
on several occasions you well that was
one of the reasons that you went to the
hospital because you felt you just had
to do something about
that because
something catches up with you when you
awesome nights I I lie on the bed you
know and I'm afraid I don't know why I'm
afraid but I'm just afraid
I have a terrible fearing man
I've been living like this for so long
I just don't seem to be alive anymore
and uh
and I want so much to live I really want
so much to to be like other people and
to be able to enjoy things I don't seem
to enjoy anything anymore
I'm I'm doing things all the time I know
I have to do but I don't enjoy anything
and
I feel that
life just shouldn't be like that and
that's the way I was feeling last night
I had these sleeping pills beside me
and I wanted to
I want it to die
and then I said to myself well supposing
they're always saying to yourself why
don't why don't you why don't you die
and
I said and I said well if I do die
I mean I don't suppose many people would
be hurt but then there is your son
and um
see every time something's happened to
me I I just lay down for a while and but
then I always managed to get up again so
then I say to myself well maybe you'll
just you'll manage to get up again I
mean someday things have to change
and
yes that would change
but I I tried to change them myself and
just
doesn't seem to work at all
I mean usually when I'm talking to you
like this I mean I never let anyone else
see me like this this is really me
ciao
I think I'd be
very mortified if anyone else told me
like this
why
why shouldn't other people see the real
you
well this is because this is the way
I've become but it's not the way I
really am and sound I mean the way I
should be shall we say
and consequently when something um
when you see something
healthy and you see it go into something
it's slightly decayed it's not pleasant
for anyone to say it it's not pleasant
for me to sin
feel at all time
you want to get out of it don't you yes
I want to pray badly
as I said to you the other day I think I
could I think I could stand something
physical wrong with me more than I can
stand this I mean it's also unreal
um and yet it's so real
I mean if you
I said
if someone uh
you know someone else said they they
felt this way yeah
I mean it might sound rather
melodramatic to me to understand but
that's why if you if you're this way or
if you show it to other people I mean it
just
just doesn't seem like something real
it's like and yet you you went like
living in a nightmare all the time you
went to the hospital you went to the
hospital because you thought you had
something physically wrong with you
the dizziness and the painting spells
and and the vomiting yeah I've known for
a very long time that uh I mean I'm
things that I'm constantly emotionally
upset
well I'll tell you I'll tell you exactly
the way it feels to me sometimes it's
just as if
as if I were a ball of string and
somewhere along the way everything got
kind of unraveled and tied up in knots
and every time I try to undo one knot I
got more Tangled Up and
the thing is that I'm I'm never able to
entangle the previous knots and I get
into a few more and it seems to get
worse all the time
you were quite surprised when you found
that the headaches and the dizzy spells
and the nausea came after some emotional
shocks well actually it doesn't even
I mean I'd gone through a week of this
very very bad dizziness nausea
[Music]
those nine and ten
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