My Detransition Story (Female to Male back to Female)

Summary

This personal narrative explores the speaker's journey from childhood to detransitioning. Initially pushed towards femininity, they developed a jealousy of boys and a preference for masculine clothing. Their exploration of identity led to identifying as a butch lesbian and later, influenced by online communities, as transgender. They experienced dissatisfaction with physical changes post-testosterone and underwent a profound transformation in perspective after a psychedelic experience, ultimately choosing to detransition. The speaker advises others to deeply consider the permanence of transition and the varied causes of dysphoria.

Takeaways

• 👧 The narrator felt jealousy of boys growing up due to her mother's push for her to be more feminine.
• 💇 The narrator disliked having long hair and the painful grooming process, eventually embracing a pixie cut.
• 👕 In fifth grade, the narrator started to prefer boys' clothing, using her brother's clothes when her mother wouldn't allow it.
• 🎭 The narrator's interest in anime and cosplay, particularly cosplaying as male characters, was a significant part of her early identity exploration.
• 🏳️‍🌈 The realization of liking women led to the narrator identifying first as bisexual, then as a butch lesbian, and after hormone use, back to bisexual.
• 🌐 The narrator found the trans community through her interests in anime and gaming, particularly on Tumblr, which introduced her to the concept of transitioning.
• 🚫 The trans community's narrative of being born in the wrong body was something the narrator came to resent, feeling it was harmful and not the only solution to her dysphoria.
• 💉 The narrator started testosterone at 18, experiencing some satisfaction but also ongoing dissatisfaction with her physical appearance.
• 🍄 A psychedelic experience with mushrooms led the narrator to reconsider her identity and the importance of her physical appearance, leading to detransitioning.
• 💊 The narrator's advice for those considering transition is to question their motivations and the permanence of their dysphoria, suggesting that not all dysphoria requires medical intervention.
• 🌈 The narrator emphasizes the importance of individuality in understanding and treating dysphoria, and the potential benefits of alternative treatments like psychedelics for some individuals.

Q & A

What was the narrator's childhood like, and how did their mother's influence affect them?

The narrator was a nerdy tomboy, contrasting with their sister who was more girly. Their mother's push to make them more feminine, including forcing them to have long hair and wear girly clothes, led to the development of jealousy towards boys and a strong dislike for traditionally feminine appearances.

Why did the narrator start wanting to dress in boys' clothing?

In fifth grade, the narrator began to desire dressing in boys' clothing, possibly as a form of self-expression and a reaction to their mother's earlier attempts to make them conform to feminine norms.

How did the narrator's interest in anime and cosplay influence their gender expression?

The narrator's interest in anime and cosplay, particularly the desire to cosplay as male characters, further reinforced their inclination towards masculine clothing and expression.

What was the turning point for the narrator in realizing their attraction to women?

In sixth grade, the narrator realized they were attracted to women, initially identifying as bisexual, and later as a butch lesbian and then detransitioning to identify as bisexual again after using testosterone.

How did the narrator find and engage with the trans community?

The narrator found the trans community through their involvement in anime and gaming on Tumblr, where they joined fandoms and related to stories of other lesbians transitioning and posts about transgender experiences.

What was the narrator's initial reaction to starting testosterone at 18?

Initially, the narrator liked the changes brought on by testosterone, but they were still not satisfied with their appearance, as they felt they were only passing as a little boy and not as a biological male.

Why did the narrator consider stopping their transition in 2018?

The narrator considered stopping their transition due to family unsupportiveness and fears that transitioning would negatively impact their future, particularly in terms of job security and physical health.

What was the narrator's perspective on the phrase 'born in the wrong body'?

The narrator found the phrase 'born in the wrong body' harmful, especially for minors, as it can imply that their body is wrong and that they might commit suicide if they don't transition.

How did the narrator's experience with psychedelics influence their views on their body and identity?

After trying psychedelics, the narrator felt a deep connection to everyone and realized that their body was perfect as it was, leading to feelings of guilt about the money they were planning to spend on cosmetic surgery and a decision to stop using testosterone.

What advice does the narrator give to people considering transition?

The narrator advises people to question whether they would be happy being non-passing or openly trans, and to consider the mental health toll of constantly trying to pass and fear of being outed. They also encourage not rushing the decision and recognizing that the cause and treatment of dysphoria can vary greatly from person to person.

What is the narrator's stance on the use of psychedelics for treating dysphoria?

While acknowledging that psychedelics are not for everyone and can affect people differently, the narrator believes they have a place in medical treatment, as they worked for them in helping to alleviate feelings of dysphoria.