How to stop obsessing over what other people are thinking | Teresa Lodato | TEDxGreenhouse Road

Summary

The speaker shares a personal story of misinterpreting a high school crush's behavior due to a negativity bias, which led to a distorted perception of self-worth. She emphasizes the importance of overcoming this bias by being aware, curious, and connected to foster authentic relationships. The talk encourages introspection on how we perceive others and ourselves, advocating for a shift towards authenticity and deeper connections.

Takeaways

• 💭 The speaker had a crush on a high school varsity baseball player, Mike, and tried to cross paths with him, but he never noticed her due to his struggle with a concussion.
• 🤔 She mistakenly assumed Mike ignored her because she wasn't 'cool enough,' which affected her self-esteem and dating life for years.
• 🔄 The speaker later learned at a reunion that Mike was preoccupied with his concussion and didn't even notice her attempts to get his attention.
• 🧠 Our brains are naturally biased towards negativity, which can lead to creating distorted narratives about others based on assumptions rather than facts.
• 📉 The negativity bias can distort our perception of the world and our interactions, often leading us to presume negative intentions in our relationships.
• 🔑 The term 'negativity bias' was first identified by researchers Paul Rosen and Edward Royman, who outlined four basic elements of this bias, including 'negative potency.'
• 💡 Awareness is the first step in overcoming negativity bias; recognizing when our brain's predictions don't match reality allows us to question our preconceived narratives.
• 🧘‍♀️ Being calm helps mitigate the influence of negativity bias, enabling higher levels of executive functioning for rational thinking and emotional regulation.
• 🤓 Cultivating curiosity about others and questioning automatic narratives can reveal misconceptions and prevent us from jumping to conclusions about their actions and intentions.
• 💬 Being connected involves active listening, empathy, and genuine interest in others' well-being, creating a space for open and honest communication.
• 🌟 Authenticity in our interactions comes from understanding and owning our narratives, which allows us to drop unconscious masks shaped by ego, societal expectations, and negativity.

Q & A

What was the speaker's experience with Mike in high school?

The speaker had a crush on Mike, a varsity baseball player, and tried to cross paths with him by standing near his locker. Despite her efforts, Mike barely acknowledged her, which led her to create a negative story about what he thought of her.

Why did Mike not notice the speaker in high school?

Mike was dealing with a concussion that affected his grades, his ability to play baseball, and his general ability to focus on anything in school, including the speaker's attempts to get his attention.

What did the speaker learn at the 20-year high school reunion when she asked Mike about ignoring her?

She learned that Mike had been struggling with a concussion, which was so overwhelming that he didn't even notice her trying to be seen by him.

What is the concept of 'negativity bias' as discussed in the script?

Negativity bias is a psychological tendency to focus more on negative experiences and emotions than positive ones. It's a cognitive bias that can distort our perception of the world and our interactions with others.

How does the speaker describe the process of creating stories about others?

The speaker explains that our brains instinctively weave two stories about others: one about who they might be based on clues they offer, and another about what we assume they're thinking about us. These stories shape our interactions.

What are the four basic elements of negativity bias as identified by researchers Paul Rosen and Edward Royman?

The four basic elements are negative potency, which is the idea that negative events or emotions have a greater impact and are remembered more; the other three elements are not specified in the script.

How can awareness help in overcoming negativity bias?

Awareness of the negativity bias allows us to notice a disconnect between our brain's predictions and the actual interaction, giving us a choice to either cling to our preconceived stories or confront the possibility that we might be wrong.

What are the three steps the speaker suggests to counter negativity bias?

The three steps are to be calm, which provides a foundation for constructive interaction and clear thinking; to be curious, which involves questioning automatic narratives and seeking to understand others; and to be connected, which involves active engagement and creating a space for open and honest communication.

How does the speaker define 'connection' in the context of overcoming negativity bias?

Connection is defined as going beyond mere social interaction to encompass a deep understanding and shared experience. It involves active listening, empathy, and a genuine interest in the well-being of others.

What is the ultimate goal of the speaker's message about overcoming negativity bias?

The ultimate goal is to transform the way we perceive and respond to others by becoming aware and intentional in our communication, which can lead to more authentic and meaningful relationships.

What does the speaker suggest is the first step towards building deeper and more compassionate relationships?

The first step is changing the stories we tell ourselves about others and about ourselves, which involves understanding and owning our narratives to empower ourselves to be more authentic.