How to build resilient children | Teresse Lewis | TEDxTemecula

Summary

In this TED Talk, the speaker, Teresa Lewis, explores the concept of resilience and its critical role in shaping children's futures. Drawing from her 15-year narrative research journey, she emphasizes the importance of relationships in fostering resilience, especially in the face of adversity. Lewis advocates for resilience education from an early age, paralleling its importance with core subjects like math and science. She stresses the impact of influential adults in a child's life, including educators, and the four essential messages to instill in children: adversity is not personal, forgiveness is crucial, being seen and acknowledged matters, and it's okay to need others. Her personal story underscores the transformative power of caring relationships.

Takeaways

• 📚 The speaker is a bookworm and emphasizes the importance of reading and learning through the story of 'The Other Wes Moore'.
• 👫 The story of two individuals, both named Wes Moore, highlights the impact of different life outcomes despite similar backgrounds and challenges.
• 🤔 The central question posed is what differentiates children who experience adversity but have vastly different adult outcomes.
• 🔍 The speaker's 15-year journey in narrative research involved working with youth and families to understand factors influencing life outcomes.
• 💪 The key finding from the research is that resilience is the most critical characteristic for overcoming adversity.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Relationships, more than any other factor, are found to be the most impactful in building resilience in children.
• 🏫 The educational system is identified as a crucial setting for building resilience due to its regular and continuous access to children.
• 👩‍🏫 Educators and caring adults play a significant role in providing the support and guidance necessary for children's resilience.
• 👂 The importance of listening to and acknowledging children's experiences and characteristics to foster a sense of being seen and valued.
• 🤝 The message that it's okay to need other people is essential for building resilience and counteracts the societal definition of strength.
• ❤️ The speaker's personal story illustrates the transformative power of a caring and supportive relationship, in her case, her sister.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the speaker's TED Talk?

The main theme of the speaker's TED Talk is the importance of resilience in children, particularly those who have experienced adverse circumstances, and the role of relationships in building resilience.

What is the significance of the book 'The Other Wes Moore' in the speaker's talk?

The book 'The Other Wes Moore' is significant as it provides a real-life example of two individuals with similar backgrounds who had vastly different outcomes, illustrating the impact of resilience and the choices one makes in life.

What is the speaker's personal connection to the topic of resilience?

The speaker has a personal connection to the topic of resilience as she herself could have been one of the 'other Wes Moores' due to her early exposure to violence and abuse, but was saved by a strong, caring relationship with her sister.

What does the speaker define as the number one skill or characteristic children should have according to her research?

According to the speaker's research, the number one skill or characteristic children should have is resilience, defined as the ability to overcome adversity, trauma, and significant sources of stress.

What is the speaker's proposal for teaching resilience to children?

The speaker proposes that resilience should be taught to children from the beginning, with as much fervor as we teach subjects like math, science, sports, or art, emphasizing its importance in preparing them for inevitable life challenges.

What role does the speaker believe the educational system should play in building resilience in children?

The speaker believes that the educational system, being the only institution with regular and continual access to children, should play a crucial role in building resilience through relationships and by integrating resilience-building practices into the school setting.

What does the speaker suggest are the four essential messages that should be given to children to foster resilience?

The four essential messages the speaker suggests are: 1) Adversity is not personal, 2) Forgiveness is important, 3) It's okay to need other people, and 4) The importance of being seen and acknowledged for who they are.

How does the speaker describe the impact of relationships on a child's life outcomes?

The speaker describes the impact of relationships on a child's life outcomes as being greater than any other variable, such as intelligence or financial status, with quality relationships being the most impactful factor in building resilience.

What is the speaker's view on the role of families in building resilience in children?

The speaker acknowledges the role of families in building resilience but also recognizes that many families are currently overworked, under-resourced, and feel ill-equipped to meet the social and emotional needs of their children, suggesting a collaborative approach involving schools and other systems.

How does the speaker define 'resilience' according to the American Psychological Association?

The speaker defines 'resilience' as the ability to overcome adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, and significant sources of stress, as per the American Psychological Association.

What is the speaker's call to action for the audience?

The speaker's call to action is for everyone, regardless of their role in a child's life, to be a caring adult who makes a difference by being present, trustworthy, and supportive, thus helping to build resilience in children.

Outlines

00:00

📚 The Power of Resilience in Shaping Lives

The speaker introduces the concept of resilience and its critical role in overcoming adversity. They share the story of two individuals, both named Wes Moore, who had similar challenging childhoods in Baltimore but ended up with vastly different outcomes—one as a successful leader and the other as a convicted murderer. The speaker emphasizes the importance of understanding the factors that lead to such divergent life paths and the role of resilience in determining one's future. They also highlight the importance of narrative research and personal experiences in understanding the impact of influential relationships on resilience.

05:00

🌟 Prioritizing Resilience in Education

The speaker discusses the importance of teaching resilience from an early age, comparing it to other fundamental subjects like math and science. They argue that resilience should not be taught only as a response to negative events but as a proactive skill. The speaker cites research that emphasizes the significance of relationships in building resilience, particularly in children who have not been exposed to adverse experiences. They stress that the quality of relationships is a key determinant of a child's resilience and life outcomes, more so than other factors such as intelligence or wealth.

10:01

🏫 The Role of Education in Building Resilience

The speaker highlights the unique position of educational institutions in building resilience in children. They point out that schools are the only organizations with regular and widespread access to students, making them ideal for imparting life-long skills. The speaker acknowledges the challenges faced by families and suggests that schools should collaborate with other systems to build resilience. They also encourage everyone who interacts with children, regardless of their role, to be a caring adult and make a positive impact by fostering resilience.

15:02

💬 Essential Messages for Resilient Children

The speaker outlines four critical messages that should be communicated to children to foster resilience: adversity is not personal, the importance of forgiveness, the significance of being seen and acknowledged for who they are, and the acceptance of needing others. They share a personal story of overcoming a difficult childhood due to the influence of a caring adult, their sister, who provided the support and guidance necessary to build resilience. The speaker calls for everyone to be that influential person in a child's life, emphasizing the profound impact it can have.

Keywords

💡Resilience

Resilience is defined by the American Psychological Association as the ability to overcome adversity, trauma, and significant sources of stress. In the video, it is highlighted as the key characteristic that can lead to drastically different outcomes for children facing similar adverse circumstances. The speaker emphasizes the importance of teaching resilience as a fundamental skill, just as essential as math or science.

💡Adverse Circumstances

Adverse circumstances refer to difficult situations or environments that can negatively impact a person's well-being or development. The video discusses the impact of such circumstances on children, particularly the two Wes Moores who grew up in similar impoverished Baltimore neighborhoods, and how they ended up with vastly different outcomes.

💡Narrative Research

Narrative research is a method of studying people's stories and experiences to understand their lives and the outcomes they achieve. The speaker mentions a 15-year personal journey of narrative research, working with thousands of youth and their families to analyze stories and outcomes, which led to the conclusion that resilience is the most critical factor.

💡Influential People

Influential people are those who have a significant impact on others' lives. The video suggests that the presence of influential people in a child's life can contribute to building resilience. The speaker's own sister is an example of an influential person who helped change the speaker's life trajectory.

💡Family Dynamics

Family dynamics refer to the interactions, relationships, and behaviors within a family unit. The video mentions family dynamics as one of the factors that can impact a child's outcomes, but it also points out that the quality of relationships is a more significant predictor of resilience and success.

💡Inner Voice

The inner voice is the internal dialogue or self-talk that individuals have with themselves. In the context of the video, the speaker talks about developing a strong inner voice in children, which is influenced by the messages they receive from caring adults around them, helping them to be resilient in challenging situations.

💡Adversity

Adversity in the video is portrayed as an inevitable part of life that everyone must face. The speaker argues that children need to understand that adversity is not personal and is a part of the human experience, which is crucial for building resilience.

💡Forgiveness

Forgiveness is presented in the video as an essential skill for children to learn, not to be passive but to release themselves from the burdens of anger, resentment, and self-loathing. This ability to forgive is part of the resilience-building process, allowing children to move forward without unnecessary emotional baggage.

💡Seeing Children

Seeing children, as mentioned in the video, means acknowledging and recognizing their individual characteristics, interests, and worth. The speaker stresses the importance of letting children know that they are seen and valued, which can bolster their self-esteem and resilience.

💡Needing Other People

The concept of needing other people is discussed as a positive aspect of resilience, contrary to the societal misconception that strength means being self-sufficient. The speaker advocates for teaching children that it is okay to rely on others for support, which is a healthy and necessary part of overcoming adversity.

💡Caring Adult

A caring adult is someone who provides emotional support, guidance, and a sense of safety to a child. In the video, the speaker emphasizes the role of caring adults in building resilience in children, using their own sister as an example of how one person's care and influence can change a child's life.

Highlights

The speaker introduces a personal connection to the topic of resilience and the importance of books in her life.

The story of 'The Other Wes Moore' is used to illustrate the impact of different outcomes despite similar childhoods.

The central question of the talk: What differentiates children with adverse experiences who have drastically different adult outcomes?

The speaker's 15-year journey in narrative research with thousands of youth and families to understand resilience.

Resilience defined by the American Psychological Association as the ability to overcome adversity, trauma, and stress.

A call to teach resilience to children as fervently as other subjects like math and science.

The importance of relationships in building resilience, as shown by research on children not exposed to adverse experiences.

The educational setting as a crucial place to build resilience due to its regular and continual access to children.

The current state of families being overworked, under-resourced, and feeling ill-equipped to meet the emotional needs of children.

A proposal for collaboration between families, schools, and communities to build resilience in children.

The role of caring adults in children's lives, regardless of their relationship, in building resilience.

The development of a strong inner voice in children through the messages they receive from caring adults.

Four essential messages for building resilience in children: adversity is not personal, forgiveness, being seen, and it's okay to need others.

The personal story of the speaker's sister as a foundational relationship that exemplified resilience-building.

A clarion call for all adults to be the difference-makers in children's lives, as they all need caring and supportive relationships.

The impact of providing children with the right messages and support to overcome adversity and build a strong inner voice.

The conclusion emphasizing the collective responsibility to build resilience in children for a better future.

Transcripts

good afternoon everyone

i have a piece of news for you

yada made a mistake and let me on the

stage

i am so excited to be here and we're

going to have a good conversation

i want to know who in here is a bookworm

raise your hand oh a lot of oh this is

great of course you guys are book rooms

you don't come to a ted talk right if

you don't like words

i'm a bookworm too

i love books i love to read i love to

learn i love the experience of taking in

something

that i didn't create

i love books so much

that i have what i like to call

teresa's

times best seller list

you know like the new york y'all get it

so

on the top of that list

is a book that's one of my favorite

and it's it's critical to our

conversation today

the book is called the other

westmore

the other westmore is a true

griffin

almost unbelievable story about two boys

both of them

named wes moore

both boys grew up in similar baltimore

neighborhoods

they both grew up impoverished

they both grew up without fathers in

their home and they both had run-ins

with the police

several times throughout their

adolescence

so because the boys had such similar

childhoods

then it begs this question

which is

what is

the difference between two kids

and the outcomes that they have

because one

of the westmore's went on to be a white

house fellow

a rhodes scholar

a decorated veteran

and an influential business leader in

our country

the other westmore

he ended up being a convicted murderer

and he's spending the rest of his life

in prison

until the day he dies

what was the difference between those

two boys

and most importantly what we're here to

talk about today what i'm here to chat

with you about a little bit

is what is the difference between any

two children who experience adverse

circumstances and experiences but they

go on to have drastically different

outcomes

as adults

the answer to this question is both

widely known

and is also simultaneously our best kept

secret

the answer to this question if we take

it

with the weight in which it's given

will absolutely revolutionize childhood

and probably even humanity

the quest to answer this question took

me on a personal 15-year journey

of what's called narrative research

i have worked with literally thousands

of youth

and their families

analyzing stories and outcomes

and i've been in different positions

i've worked as a school social worker in

an educational setting i've worked in

communities as an executive director for

a non-profit

i've worked as a licensed therapist in

residential treatment all across the

country

and probably my proudest role

as i've worked and it is work

as a mommy of four

of my own kids

why does that matter

because in all of those roles the answer

to that question did not change

it didn't matter what role i was

functioning in the answer came down to

this one simple thing

now does anyone besides my poor family

who's had to hear this talk probably 10

times already

does anyone in here know

the answer

a little louder

oh influence influence

influential people what else i heard

something else the family dynamics

family dynamic what else

resilience

somebody stole my answer

the answer

is resilience

now family dynamics and all of those

things we're going to talk about that in

a second all of those things impact the

outcomes of children we know this

but resilience

is through the research through my own

research the number one skill the

characteristic that we want children to

have

why

the american psychological association

defines resilience because we have to

understand what we're talking about

right

they define resilience as the ability to

overcome

adversity

trauma

tragedy

threats

and even significant sources of stress

so when we hear that definition i hope

that it pops into your mind

that we all need to be

and we've all had to be

resilient

right

because who in here can say i have not

experienced any type of adversity trauma

tragedy no threats or significant source

of stress

there's not one person in here that can

say that

so if that is the case

if we understand that adversity is

guaranteed

and we understand that it is guaranteed

that we need resilience

then why is it

that we don't teach

resilience

to our kids

i am here to propose something that

seems maybe a little radical but not

really

that we teach kids resilience

from the beginning

what we do as a society is we teach kids

resilience as a response to something

negative that has happened that is when

we start the conversation about being

resilient and they can get through it

and all of those wonderful things

what i'm saying is that we as the adults

in the lives of kids we need to teach

them resilience as fervently as we teach

math

science

sports

art

whatever it is maybe not math okay

of course a youth

or we teach you this art but whatever it

is that you feel passionately about that

you want kids to have

we need to teach resilience with that

much fervor

why

because they are giving we're giving

kids what they need

and preparing them for the part of life

that we know is inevitable

right

now

you guys mentioned families and i'm glad

that you threw that out there

because i want to tell you that in my

almost two decades of research

i've wanted to know the answer okay kids

need resilience how do we do that how do

you do that

how do i build resilience in a child

the research has pointed to again

one solid answer

not 10 although i could name 10 things

that impact kids

one solid answer

and that answer

is through

relationship

not surprisingly a study that was done

by the international a study that was

published in the international journal

for child and youth outcomes

studied 445 kids who were not exposed to

adverse childhood experiences

okay

they studied those kids and the outcomes

that they had as adults over a 15 to 20

year span

and what this study found is that those

kids

and their life outcomes

were greatly predicted

by the relationships that they had

and that those relationships impacted

kids in a greater way than any other

variable

so what's the common everyday

interpretation of that it didn't matter

how smart they were how much money their

parents had what the background was all

of those things do definitely have an

impact absolutely

but the thing that was most impactful

the thing that makes the difference

between the two westmore's if you will

is the quality of relationships that

those children have

and whether those relationships

builds resilience

in them

now the other piece of this is

who's going to do it

we have this ambiguous term out there

build relationships and kids whose

responsibility is it

i'm going to let you guys in on a little

secret

in my work there is no place where i

have

more profoundly

seen this idea of building resilience in

kids through relationships

more profoundly played out than actually

in the educational setting

why

well

our schools

our school system as an institution

they are the only it's the only

organization institution that has access

to kids

on a regular

continual basis and some of you might

say well maybe not so much recently

right

but then we're getting back there

the educational institution is the only

system that can say we will impact we

will come in contact with large numbers

of students and we can impact them train

them and teach them and give them

something that will impact their lives

for years to come

if someone were to ask you if there's

someone influential in your life or

somewhere where you're greatly impacted

or maybe even negatively impacted

i can almost guarantee you that about 90

percent of you all will say something

about school or someone in your school

now

i don't disagree for those of you who

are thinking it is my job as a parent it

is our job as a family to build

resilience in our kids i agree 150

but i can tell you after working for

years with families right here in our

own backyard

the families are toxically stressed

right now

they are overworked

under resourced financially and mentally

they are disconnected and families are

telling me

that they feel ill equipped to meet the

very basic social and emotional needs of

their students and there's no judgment

with that

it's just the reality of where some

families are so instead of us leaving it

to the system

to build the resilience why don't we

collaborate

why don't we

implement resilience building in the

school setting and connect

all the systems together

because in the end

the impact

will outweigh any work that needs to be

done

now

if you're not an educator in here i

don't want you to think

that this message does not apply to you

if you are a parent if you are in if you

are an uncle a community leader an

organizational leader an extended friend

by blood or does it matter

if you have access to a child no matter

for how long

then you have the greatest opportunity

to make a difference in their lives by

being a caring adult whether you cared

for a day or in a moment or whether you

are there for them to care for a

lifetime

having that impact and having that voice

and being a caring adult for kids

not only builds resilience in them

but it develops what we call a strong

inner voice

just before i came out here

my inner voice like to reach you got

this right you can do this you do this

all the time

kids have an inner voice too

but what we don't realize is that their

inner voice is not developed by them

it's developed by the people who are

around them

so the messaging that they receive is

the message that they repeat to

themselves they don't come tell you you

tell me this and i just said it to

myself in this situation nope we don't

get that opportunity to hear that and to

know that

but i'm telling you as a professional

that take place over and over and over

in their head

mrs lewis said i can do

x y and z mrs lewis said focus on what i

can control

i want you to take a moment and imagine

a child

hearing your voice

and your message

in their head

and how that might impact them when they

are facing the situation that you are

not able to stand by their side and help

them to overcome

what would our world look like

imagine with me

if our organizations

our homes our schools where community

build resilience building centers

where kids could go and get filled up

when they need to

almost like a gas station they're

everywhere right

kids can go and feel safe and get the

resilience in the building that they

need because the messaging was right

because they had one person or one

relationship

now you might be wondering what is the

message for the kids

because there are many messages that we

can give kids

so i'm going to give you four

essential critical messages that i've

given

probably some of your kids in here if

you recognize me hey

that i give kids

that i give my own kids and that the

research says we need to give kids

the first one is adversity is not

personal

kids are egocentric and what that means

is everything that happens they take it

personal when they think that it's

something that they did that caused it

so they need an adult to tell them no

struggling is a part of life it is not

something that you did and it is not

because of the quality of the person in

which who who you are

they need us to change that message for

them

the second thing and you all might be

surprised by this one

forgiveness

we need to teach kids forgiveness now i

can do a totally separate talk on

forgiveness but i won't

well maybe i will who knows i don't know

but forgiveness is huge and i don't mean

forgiveness as then we're teaching kids

to be doormats and allow people to run

over them absolutely not when i say

forgiveness what i'm talking about is

cutting the core of the burden of anger

resentment hatred fear and self-loathing

from our kids so that when it's time for

them to be resilient they don't have

that knapsack hanging on their back

i've worked with those kids it is hard

to climb that mountain when you have

stuff that you're carrying unnecessarily

but they don't know that it's our job to

give them that message

the third one is i see you

and i don't just see you physically but

i see your characteristics i see that

you matter i see what you love i see how

you are let kids know that you see them

when we see when you see them and they

know you see them they are more likely

to overcome adversity

because they know you care

and the fourth and last one

is that it is okay to need other people

how many of you have ever heard somebody

say you're one of the strongest people i

know

well let me tell you that can feel like

a backhanded compliment sometimes

why because what that really means is

i've seen you go through all this stuff

and you don't seem to need people

because that's how we as a society

defines strength not needing people

and as a literal antithesis of what we

need to do to be resilient we need to be

okay with needing people

so we send that message to our kids

early before they meet people

and here's where i want to end research

aside

stats aside 15 20 years all that stuff

aside i can tell you because what i

didn't share in the beginning

is that i could have been one of the

other

westmore's i was exposed to violence and

abuse at a very young age that no child

should have to ever see or experience

i could have easily ended up being one

of the kids who didn't beat the odds and

quite honestly that's where i was meant

to be

based on my childhood experience

but i had many adults that came along

the way but one foundational

relationship and experience and i'm not

gonna cry

that caused me to go from mr resilience

and that was my sister

who at the age the ripe old age of 18

she adopted

an eight-year-old girl because she

decided that our story was going to end

differently

who at the age of 18 got a full-time job

at an apartment and took a child in and

said we are going to figure it out

she told me to forgive my mother

she taught me it was okay to need other

people

she saw me

she did everything right even when she

didn't have research and fancy letters

back then she is now

behind her name

she was caring she was present she was

trustworthy and that's what i needed and

what i'm telling you all today the

clarion call is that all kids need you

just like they i needed her they need

you

so please

be

the one

that makes the difference for kids

because the wes morse

and the teresa lewis's

fill in the blanks of the world

well thank you

[Applause]

you