What High Performers Do That You Don't
Summary
TLDRThe video script explores the psychological traits that differentiate top performers from the rest. It suggests that successful individuals often exhibit higher levels of sociopathy, narcissism, and neuroticism, but in a controlled and positive manner. These traits manifest as the ability to restrain empathy for long-term goals, skillfully saying 'no' to protect personal growth, and using action-oriented coping mechanisms to address negative emotions. The speaker, a psychiatrist with experience across various fields, including working with CEOs and high achievers, advises viewers to assess their tendencies towards short-term compassion, their ability to set boundaries, and their methods of coping with stress to improve their success.
Takeaways
- 🧐 The top 10% of performers often exhibit traits of sociopathy, narcissism, and neuroticism, which are typically seen as negative but can be leveraged positively for success.
- 🛡️ Successful individuals are adept at restraining empathy and avoiding being bogged down by short-term compassion, focusing instead on long-term benefits.
- 🎓 The speaker illustrates the concept with examples of individuals who made sacrifices for their family and those who chose to invest in their education for long-term gain.
- ❌ High performers are skilled at saying 'no' when necessary, discerning when to decline requests to avoid being taken advantage of and to invest in themselves.
- 🤝 Successful people tend to help new connections over repeatedly assisting the same individuals, fostering new opportunities and growth.
- 🏋️♂️ Action-oriented coping mechanisms are favored by high achievers, where they address negative feelings by actively changing their environment or circumstances.
- 🚫 The use of middle-tier coping mechanisms involves trading immediate suffering for long-term success, which can be described as 'toxic fuel'.
- 🧐 Neuroticism in high performers is channeled into a drive for constant improvement, which can lead to high levels of stress but also to significant achievements.
- 💡 The speaker advises the audience to reflect on whether they are victims of short-term compassion and to be more calculated in their decisions.
- 📈 To move from the bottom 75% to the top 10%, one should consider adopting the traits of successful people, such as better boundary setting and focusing on action-oriented changes.
- 🚫 Avoid emotion-focused coping mechanisms which only provide temporary relief without addressing the root cause or leading to life improvements.
Q & A
What is the main topic of discussion in the video script?
-The main topic of discussion is the traits that separate the top 10% of high performers from the bottom 75%, focusing on the cognitive aspects related to narcissism, sociopathy, and neuroticism.
What is the speaker's profession and what kind of people has he worked with?
-The speaker is a psychiatrist who has worked with a diverse range of individuals, including CEOs from MIT and Harvard incubators, high performers in fields like medicine and finance, degenerate gamers, homeless people, and addicts.
What is the purpose of Dr. K's guide mentioned in the script?
-Dr. K's guide is a comprehensive resource designed to help individuals better understand their mind and take control of their life, distilling over 20 years of the speaker's experience as a monk and a psychiatrist.
Why do successful people often appear to have sociopathic or narcissistic traits?
-Successful people often appear to have these traits because they are able to restrain their empathy and focus on long-term compassion rather than short-term compassion, which helps them avoid getting bogged down by the immediate needs of others.
Can you provide an example from the script that illustrates the concept of short-term versus long-term compassion?
-The script provides an example of two individuals from similar family backgrounds. One chose short-term compassion by not going to college to support their family, leading to long-term struggles. The other chose long-term compassion by going to college and achieving success, which eventually benefited their family more significantly.
What does the speaker mean by being 'a little bit more sociopathic' in a positive way?
-Being 'a little bit more sociopathic' in a positive way refers to developing the ability to restrain empathy and avoid being swayed by short-term compassion, which can lead to better long-term outcomes for oneself and others.
How does the speaker define 'narcissism' in the context of high performers?
-In the context of high performers, 'narcissism' is defined as the skill of saying 'no' effectively. It's not about being self-centered in a negative way, but rather about knowing when to say no to protect one's time and resources for more beneficial opportunities.
What is the practical advice given by the speaker regarding saying 'no'?
-The practical advice is to be more selective with saying 'yes' and to prioritize new opportunities over repeatedly helping the same people or situations. It's about investing in oneself and not being a constant source of support for others at the expense of personal growth.
What does the speaker suggest about the relationship between neuroticism and high performers?
-The speaker suggests that high performers tend to use action-oriented coping mechanisms, which are associated with neuroticism. They fix their internal feelings by shaping their external environment, which can lead to success but also to suffering.
How does the speaker describe the concept of 'toxic fuel' in relation to high performers?
-'Toxic fuel' refers to the drive that comes from negative emotions, such as dissatisfaction or shame. High performers use this to push themselves to improve their external circumstances, which can lead to success but also to a continuous cycle of suffering.
What is the speaker's advice for individuals who want to move from the bottom 75% to the top 10%?
-The speaker advises to assess whether one is a victim to short-term compassion, to improve the ability to say 'no' when necessary, and to use action-oriented coping mechanisms instead of emotion-focused coping to drive personal growth and success.
Outlines
🔝 Traits of Top Performers: Sociopathy, Narcissism, and Neuroticism
The speaker, a psychiatrist, discusses the characteristics that set top 10% of performers apart from the rest. They argue that successful individuals often exhibit traits of sociopathy, narcissism, and neuroticism, but in a controlled and beneficial manner. Sociopathy, in this context, refers to the ability to restrain empathy and avoid being overwhelmed by short-term compassion, focusing instead on long-term benefits. The speaker uses examples from their practice to illustrate how high performers make decisions that may seem cold but lead to greater success and the ability to help others more effectively in the long run.
🚫 The Art of Saying No: A Key to Success
This paragraph delves into the importance of narcissism in high performers, specifically their skill in saying no. Successful individuals are adept at discerning when to refuse requests to protect their time and resources, ensuring they can invest in themselves. The speaker advises the audience to be more calculated in their willingness to help others, suggesting that constantly saying yes can lead to being taken advantage of and hinder personal growth. The focus should be on saying yes to new opportunities and people, rather than repeatedly aiding the same individuals, to foster personal development and advancement.
💪 Action-Oriented Coping: Trading Suffering for Success
The speaker introduces the concept of neuroticism in high performers, which is characterized by an action-oriented approach to coping with negative emotions. Instead of addressing internal feelings directly, successful people modify their external environment to alleviate their distress. This might involve working harder to gain approval or changing their circumstances to feel better. While this method can lead to success, it often comes at the cost of personal suffering. The speaker warns of the potential pitfalls of this coping mechanism, such as becoming overly dependent on external validation and the risk of it spiraling out of control.
🚀 Escaping the Bottom 75%: Strategies for Climbing the Success Ladder
In the final paragraph, the speaker offers advice for those who wish to rise from the bottom 75% to the top 10%. They suggest questioning one's tendency towards short-term compassion and learning to say no more effectively to avoid being weighed down by others' needs. Additionally, the speaker recommends adopting action-oriented coping strategies to channel negative emotions into productive efforts that lead to success. They caution against emotion-focused coping, which only provides temporary relief without addressing the root cause or leading to meaningful life improvements.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Sociopathy
💡Narcissism
💡Neuroticism
💡High Performers
💡Short-term Compassion
💡Discipline
💡Resource Management
💡Action-Oriented Coping
💡Toxic Fuel
💡Cognitive Reframing
Highlights
The top 10% of performers share specific cognitive traits related to narcissism, sociopathy, and neuroticism.
Successful individuals often exhibit traits of sociopathy, which in this context means the ability to restrain empathy and avoid short-term compassion.
High performers tend to prioritize long-term compassion over short-term sacrifices, leading to greater success.
Narcissism in successful people is characterized by a high proficiency in saying 'no' and focusing on self-interest.
Successful individuals are skilled at discerning when to say 'no' to avoid being taken advantage of.
High performers are more likely to assist new opportunities and people rather than repeatedly helping the same individuals.
Neuroticism in high performers is utilized as a 'toxic fuel', driving them to work harder to overcome internal dissatisfaction.
Action-oriented coping mechanisms are preferred by successful people, where they address negative feelings by altering their environment.
High performers often trade immediate suffering for long-term success, using their neuroticism to push themselves harder.
The speaker emphasizes that not being a victim to short-term compassion is crucial for moving from the bottom 75% to the top 10%.
Improving the ability to say 'no' is key to avoiding being weighed down by others' demands.
The speaker advises using action-oriented coping strategies instead of emotion-focused ones to achieve success.
Cognitive reframing is mentioned as a superior coping mechanism to be discussed in the future for further improvement.
The importance of not getting 'suckered into short-term compassion' is highlighted as a barrier to success.
The transcript concludes with a call to action for individuals to assess their tendencies toward short-term compassion, the ability to say 'no', and the use of action-oriented coping mechanisms.
Transcripts
today we're going to talk about what
separates the top 10% of performers from
the bottom
75% so I know when we look at a lot of
successful people we'll be like oh my
God like all these like successful CEOs
and stuff like these people who are in
finance they're like they're a little
bit sociopathic they're a little bit
narcissistic they're self-centered right
well actually yeah they are and that is
a huge part of their success so as a
psychiatrist I've worked with all kinds
of people so I was in Boston for about
10 years where I worked with people who
were from like the MIT and Harvard
incubators so these are startups that
have CEOs that have these very very
bright ideas and are building these
hundred million 300 million dollar
billion dollar companies I've also
worked with a lot of high performers
from the fields of medicine so people
like surgeons as well as people from
Finance like golden Sachs and stuff like
that and then I've also worked with a
lot of degenerate Gamers I've worked
with homeless people I've worked with
people from jail I've worked with people
who are addicts right so people who are
like 32 years old addicted to heroin and
have nothing to show for it hey just a
quick note a lot of people will ask us
what do I do next and that's why we
built Dr K's guide It's a comprehensive
resource that distills over 20 years of
my experience both as a monk and as a
psychiatrist and it's designed in a way
that's tailored to fit your needs so if
you're interested in better
understanding your mind and taking
control of your life check out the link
below and what I'd love to share with
you all today is what separates these
two groups of people and I'm going to do
it in a very specific way so the problem
is that most of the time when we look at
successful people we'll say things like
oh this person is disciplined or this
person is good at resource management
but the problem is that when we look at
someone who's successful we don't know
exactly how to do that right I can tell
that I suck at managing managing my
resources and I can tell that they are
good at managing their resources but I
don't know how to actually get better so
a good analogy of this is like if you
look at a gardener who has a really
great Garden you're like that person has
a green
thumb noting that that person has a
green thumb doesn't actually make you
any better at gardening when we use the
when we use these terms like discipline
or green thumb or we say wow that dancer
Is So Graceful looking at someone and
saying that they're graceful doesn't
teach you how to be graceful you don't
know what they're actually doing that
looks like Grace when they move right
there's a specific set of actions that
they take that look very impressive oh
this is a green thumb but you don't know
actually what the gardener is doing
today that's what I'm going to teach
youall I'm going to teach youall three
specific cognitive things that I see in
the majority of the high performers that
I work with and as it turns out these
actually have to do with narcissism
sociopathy and neuroticism so we tend to
think about these three things as bad
right but let's remember that sociopathy
narcissism and neuroticism are features
of the human race we all have these to
some extent when we look at something
like narcissistic personality disorder
or um antisocial personality disorder
which is what we call sociopathy these
are when these features of us are so
extreme that they start to become
problematic but y'all may have observed
that people who are quite successful are
a little bit more of an than you
are and there's a good reason for that
and we're going to actually teach you
how to be that in a good and positive
way so the first thing that we're going
to start with is sociopathy so one of
the really interesting things is if you
look at psychiatrists and surgeons we
test higher on the sociopathy scale than
the average population so let's
understand a little bit about what
sociopathy means it doesn't mean that
we're evil right so it has a lot of
features to it what sociopathy means is
that we have the ability to restrain our
empathy we don't get bogged down so when
I'm a psychiatrist and have
depressed people walking into my office
every single day and I spend eight hours
a day listening to their problems I must
put up some kind of empathic
shielding in order to not get bogged
down by this and this manifests in
people who are very successful in a very
specific way they are very good at not
getting suckered into short-term
compassion and instead leaning into
long-term compassion so I'll give you
all an example of two people in my
practice so two of them had a very
similar situation when they turned
around 17 or 18 something happened in
their family one parent basically left
the household they had two younger
siblings each it's crazy how similar
these two cases are one person leaned
into short-term compassion made the
sacrifice for their family and was like
you know what the right thing to do is
to not go to college and help raise my
two siblings because my remaining parent
can't do it all by themselves the the
only choice that I have is to do the
right thing so this person didn't go to
college got kind of stuck in a menial
labor job and then 10 years later like
even their siblings were not doing great
because now you have this culture in the
household of like not achievement but
survival and all this kind of stuff a
lot of struggles later on in the
alternate case we have someone who
decided that you know like yeah it sucks
that this is happening but what I really
need to do is like if I really want to
provide for my family I need to leave
them behind I need to go to college they
worked incredibly hard in college got an
amazing job so this person grew up
incredibly poor and then you know got an
awesome job and and is now making
literally millions of dollars a year
about 10 years later and the other super
cool thing is that this person now
serves as a positive role model for
their younger siblings so their younger
siblings are now crushing it because 6
years after they went to college they're
making
$250,000 a year which helps their family
way more than making $35,000 a year
working a IIA labor job for a couple of
years so was it hard on their family for
those few years that they were at
College absolutely but the key thing
that I see about people who are very
successful is that they do not sandbag
themselves through compassion and so
practically what I want you to do is
look at your life right so what what is
the price of short-term compassion what
are the sacrifices that you make in your
life in order to be kind and generous
and supportive to the people around you
because what I find in a lot of people
who are in the bottom half of success in
performance in an objective sense I'm
not saying that they're bad people I
don't think anyone's a bad person I mean
there are some people but not the
majority what I tend to see is some
people get suckered into short-term
compassion get guilt tripped into crap
and then end up shooting themselves in
the foot they sacrifice so much and then
a year later they don't have anything to
show for it but the people in their
lives benefit from their sacrifice so
you need to be a little bit more
sociopathic be a little bit more focused
on yourself don't sort of get suckered
into that short-term compassion the
second thing that we're going to talk
about is narcissism and this manifests
in their mind in a very specific way
it's not just be a bigger and
just care more about yourself no no no
no so what I sort of see as a feature of
narcissism is the people that I work
with that are incredibly successful are
very skilled at saying no now now pay
attention to my words skilled at saying
no doesn't mean that they say no more or
that they say no less what that means is
that their
proficiency with the concept of no is
very high so what they know is when to
say no and when not to say no so what
this looks like practically is that you
know they're able to say no to their
friends and even their boss or their
colleagues when you need a little bit of
help with this a little bit of help with
this a little bit of help with this if
you have difficulty saying no people
around you will figure that out and as
they figure that out they will lean on
you for a lot of help and support and
things like that and especially if you
have low self-esteem this can be
incredibly crippling because if you have
low self-esteem where does your
self-esteem come from it comes from
other people being so grateful that
you're helping them out and then you
kind of puff up your self-esteem because
now you've loaned this person another
$100 right because makes you a good
person makes you a good friend oh my God
like this person I'm paying their rent
makes me such a good person
and then over time what ends up
happening you're sandbagging yourself
because you're not investing in yourself
so you have to get better at saying no
and here's what I've noticed a simple
Trend right so we're going to try to
make this applicable no green thumbs
here we're going to Tunnel
down if there are opportunities which
will benefit you in the future say yes
if you are saying yes to
maintain what you have here today be
super careful about that so what I found
with my patients who are very high
performers is that they are more likely
to help someone new than help someone in
their life for the fourth or fifth time
if this person asks for my help four
times five times two or three times sure
but if they keep on asking for my help
I'm going to say no and I'm going to
give my help to someone else what this
means is very practically my boss needs
me to work an extra weekend I'm going to
say no but there's someone else at a
different company or or someone one of
my friends who's starting this project
and there's some kind of Consulting gig
I will say yes so it's not that you
shouldn't work hard at your job or
anything like that I'm not saying bosses
are evil and there are many people who
will learn how to say yes for their
bosses because their bosses invested in
them they're the nice people you're
going to learn something you're going to
grow as a result but they're really
skilled at saying no and the biggest
difference that I see is that more
successful people say yes to newer and
newer opportunities and newer and newer
people as opposed to these same people
over and over and over again right
onward and upward and be helpful all
along the way the third thing that we're
going to talk about is neuroticism so
this is where if I look at the the
people who are quite successful they use
sort of this B tier coping mechanism
technique so if you look at the
psychology or the Psychiatry of coping
mechanisms and outcomes from coping
mechanisms they're basically three tiers
of coping mechanisms you have the top
tier of coping mechanisms like cognitive
reframing you have the second tier of
coping mechanisms which are action
oriented I know it's kind of weird that
action oriented is a middle tier we'll
explain why and then at the bottom you
have something called emotion focused
coping so when I work with people who
are high performers what I notice is
that they utilize that middle tier and
I'll explain what that is so when they
are unhappy when they have some kind of
negative experience inside them the way
that they fix that experience is by
fixing the environment okay so for
example if my boss is unhappy with me
what I'm going to do is work incredibly
hard to make my boss happy with me if I
get a bad performance review I'm going
to work as hard as I need to to get a
good performance review if my boyfriend
or girlfriend is unhappy with me I'm
going to work extra hard to make them
happy if my parents are unhappy with me
I'm going to work extra hard to make
them happy so what they literally do is
they look at even we'll use a different
kind of example let's say I look at
myself in the mirror and I am ashamed of
myself the way to fix that shame is to
go to the gym this sounds very
reasonable right why is this the middle
tier what the like I want to be
able to do that we'll get to that in
second so what these people end up doing
is trading suffering for Success because
when you start to use this kind of
coping me mechanism there's no internal
contentment see this is very important
to understand this means that in order
to fix my internal feelings I need to
shape the outside environment so if my
boss doesn't like my work I need to work
extra hard now this is a little bit
tricky because what if your B boss is a
narcissistic what if your boss
is is overly demanding what if your boss
lacks compassion that means that your
boss will never be happy with you no
matter how hard you work and so what
this creates is a really interesting
situation because really pay attention
to this on the one hand it means your
boss is never happy and you're always
suffering but what it also means is that
you're working your ass off constantly
which helps you rise over time so this
is what we kind of call toxic Fuel and
if we look at people like studies on
medical students what we find is that
medical students have some of the
highest neuroticism which means
neuroticism is a tendency for internal
worry medical students have no chill and
what that does is that that have no
chill that Panic makes them study on a
Friday night in the library instead of
going out to party because everyone else
normal people are like I studied all
week now I can have fun the
medical student is like it's never
enough I could fail oh my God what if I
failed then I won't get into med school
and I won't do this and I won't do this
and I won't do this and all of my life
will fall apart so there's it's very
interesting and and this is what's kind
of weird is it's very adaptive in the
short term so when these people work
with me I try to help them get out of
that tier because as long as you are
shaping your external environment to
make you feel better that also opens you
up to other kinds of things so for
example it's very healthy to look at
yourself in the mirror and say you know
what I'm unhappy with the way that I
look let me go to the gym but some
people when they look in the mirror and
they've gone to the gym they're still
not happy with the way that they look so
they need to do something more oh let me
get some fillers let me get a little
chin tuck let me get some Botox let me
get a little bit of plastic surgery let
me get some lip filler right because
that feeling no matter how much you try
to fix it on the other on the outside no
matter how much I try to make my
girlfriend love me more make my boss
happier with who I am make myself
confident with who I am in the Mirror by
shaping my body that can get out of
control very very quickly so while it
results in success it costs
suffering at the end of the day though
this is what I see in the top 10% of
people that I work with they are a
little bit more sociopathic they are a
little bit more narcissistic and they
are a little bit more
neurotic and if you're someone who's in
that bottom 50% or you're not happy with
what you're doing in your life I would
encourage you to do these three things
ask yourself am I a victim to shortterm
compassion do I actually sabotage not
only my own life but the capacity to
help help other
people by sort of sacrificing in the
present day and if the answer to that
question is yes you need to cut back on
that right really be a little bit more
calculated and speaking of being
calculated be a little bit better at
saying no when is the right time to say
no and when is the the wrong time to say
no if I say yes to this person will I
need to say yes tomorrow will I need to
say yes the day after that and the week
after that because if so this person is
going to be a sandbag for you it's not
that I'm saying don't help those kinds
of people but just recognize what that
will do to your life it'll move you out
of the top 10% to the 20% 30% 40% and
the more of those people you have in
your life the more you're going to sink
and the last thing is if you want to
start to use some of that toxic fuel
right so if you have some negative
emotions and this is something I should
have kept in mind so the bottom 50% of
people use something called emotion
focused coping and so what that means is
when I feel bad in here I'm just going
to fix the emotion I'm not going to do
anything in my outside life what I'm
going to do is numb it usually video
games substances things like that or
even things like venting so what I'm
going to do is I'm going to go to my
friends and I'm going to about my
problems and I'm going to feel better
but my life will actually not be better
tomorrow so don't use emotion focused
coping it's better to use
action-oriented coping and then one day
we'll talk about cognitive reframing
which is a topic for a different day
because what we're focus on right now is
how you get your ass from the bottom 75
to the top
10
[Music]
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