The Shift :breakups with avoidants

Summary

The transcript discusses the dynamics of breakups with avoidant partners, highlighting the emotional disconnect that happens during and after the split. Avoidant individuals mentally prepare for the breakup, often leaving their partner blindsided. Initially, the avoidant partner experiences relief, while the other feels shock and grief. Over time, however, both parties' emotional states shift—those left behind begin healing, while the avoidant partner starts to question their decision. The speaker emphasizes the uncertainty surrounding future outcomes and the possibility of reconnection, urging individuals to continue living their lives rather than waiting for their ex to return.

Takeaways

• 😮 Avoidants often mentally prepare for a breakup before it happens, so they aren't blindsided like their partner may be.
• 😕 The avoidant person experiences relief after a breakup, as they've been grappling with internal conflict leading up to the decision.
• 😭 The non-avoidant partner often feels blindsided and falls into deep grief right after the breakup, creating a stark emotional contrast between both parties.
• 🛤️ After the breakup, avoidants quickly embrace a new life, often engaging in activities like dating or hobbies, while their ex is stuck in grief.
• 🤔 As time passes, the avoidant partner's initial relief fades, and they begin to reflect on whether they made the right decision.
• 💔 Both parties eventually begin to stabilize emotionally, reaching a point where their emotional states intersect, leading to potential reconsideration of the breakup.
• 🔄 It's common for avoidants to start questioning their decision a few months after the breakup, especially once the novelty of their new life wears off.
• 🧠 Even if they enter a new relationship, avoidants may feel stuck between maintaining their new life or returning to their ex, resulting in a difficult decision-making process.
• ⏳ Reconsideration of the breakup may take months, and the outcome can vary greatly depending on individual circumstances.
• 💬 Ultimately, whether or not an avoidant reaches out depends on their internal reflection, but the ex-partner shouldn't wait around and should focus on rebuilding their own life.

Q & A

What is the typical reaction of an avoidant person after a breakup?

An avoidant person typically feels immediate relief after a breakup. They have mentally prepared for it in advance, so once they initiate the breakup, they feel a sense of freedom and escape from the problems they were facing.

Why does the person being broken up with often feel blindsided by the breakup?

The person being broken up with feels blindsided because the avoidant partner has likely been dealing with the issues internally, without communicating their concerns. As a result, the breakup comes as a shock since the issues seemed manageable from the other partner's perspective.

How do the emotional stages of an avoidant and their partner differ right after the breakup?

Right after the breakup, the avoidant is in a stage of relief and acceptance, while the other partner is in shock and deep grief. This creates a large emotional gap between them, as they are experiencing the breakup in completely different ways.

Why does the avoidant feel relief after the breakup?

The avoidant feels relief because they have been experiencing inner turmoil and discomfort, trying to figure out how to end the relationship. Once the decision is made and the breakup happens, they escape the stress of staying in the relationship, which brings a sense of peace.

What happens to the avoidant person after the initial relief period wears off?

After the relief period, the avoidant person starts to settle down emotionally and question their decision. As they stabilize in their new life, they begin to reflect on the past relationship, which can lead them to reconsider whether they made the right choice.

How does the emotional state of the person who was broken up with change over time?

Initially, the person who was broken up with is in shock and grief, struggling to cope. Over time, they begin to stabilize emotionally, though they are still far from fully recovering. As they slowly regain their balance, they start to feel more stable, although the pain may persist.

Why do ex-partners often reconnect months after a breakup, especially with an avoidant partner?

Ex-partners often reconnect months later because, by that time, both have gone through significant emotional shifts. The avoidant person begins to reflect on the relationship as their initial relief fades, and the other partner becomes more emotionally stable. This creates an intersection where both may reconsider the breakup.

What challenges do avoidants face if they want to reconnect after the breakup?

Avoidants face the challenge of dealing with the emotional damage they caused during the breakup. They often feel uncertain about how to approach their ex, knowing they caused pain. Additionally, they may have built a new life, which complicates the decision to reconnect.

How should the person who was broken up with handle the time after the breakup?

The person who was broken up with should focus on living their life, healing, and moving forward. They should not wait for the avoidant to return or make decisions based on the hope of reconciliation. Instead, they should prioritize their own emotional well-being.

Is reconciliation possible after a breakup with an avoidant partner?

Reconciliation is possible, but it depends on both partners' emotional readiness and their ability to address the issues that caused the breakup. The avoidant may come to reconsider their decision, but the other partner must assess whether they are willing to reenter the relationship given the damage that was done.