What Avoidants Hope For When You Go No Contact

Summary

The script explores the concept of 'The Magician's Outfit,' a metaphor for the facade avoidant individuals adopt to navigate relationships. It outlines the emotional journey of an avoidant person, from feeling trapped in a performative identity to experiencing relief after a breakup, only to be haunted by loneliness and the desire for genuine connection. The narrative delves into the psychological struggle between the fear of vulnerability and the fear of isolation, highlighting the avoidant's perpetual cycle of seeking authenticity while avoiding true intimacy.

Takeaways

• 🧙 The 'Magician's Outfit' is a metaphor for the facade that avoidant individuals wear to gain love and approval, suppressing their true emotions and needs.
• 👁️ Avoidants often feel they must manage their emotions alone, viewing their needs as burdensome, which is why they value independence and solitude.
• 💔 The avoidant's constant performance to maintain the 'Magician's Outfit' can lead to exhaustion and a deep sense of inauthenticity.
• 🔄 Avoidants go through a cycle of presenting a facade, withdrawing when it becomes unsustainable, and then returning to the facade out of fear of vulnerability and isolation.
• 🌐 The concept of the 'Magician's Outfit' is similar to Carl Jung's concept of the Persona, a social mask that individuals wear to fit in and gain approval.
• 🚫 Overidentification with the Persona or 'Magician's Outfit' can lead to a disconnection from the authentic self, causing internal conflict and psychological distress.
• 💔 Avoidants may sabotage relationships or distance themselves to escape the pressure of maintaining their facade, leading to relationship breakdowns.
• 🏃‍♂️ After a breakup, avoidants may initially feel relief and happiness for being free from the strain of maintaining a facade, which is referred to as the 'I'm so happy that I left' stage.
• 🔄 The relief from taking off the 'Magician's Outfit' is often short-lived as the deeper issues of loneliness and the inability to connect genuinely remain unresolved.
• 😔 In the later stages of the avoidant cycle, there is a growing sense of nostalgia and regret as the avoidant grapples with the emotional consequences of their temporary relief.
• 🔑 The 'Magician's Outfit' becomes a necessary compromise for avoidants, allowing them to function and engage with the world without fully confronting their internal struggles.

Q & A

What is the 'magician's outfit' mentioned in the script?

The 'magician's outfit' is a metaphor for the facade or persona that an avoidantly attached individual feels compelled to wear to gain love and approval. It represents the performative, constructed identity that they believe they need to present to meet the expectations of others, often at the cost of suppressing their true emotions and needs.

How does the avoidant attachment style relate to the 'magician's outfit'?

In the script, the avoidant attachment style is deeply connected to the 'magician's outfit' as it symbolizes the emotional armor that an avoidant person wears to protect themselves from vulnerability and rejection. This outfit becomes a part of their identity, making it difficult to shed and leading to a cycle of presenting a facade and withdrawing when it becomes unsustainable.

What is the significance of the childhood vision described by the avoidant individual in the script?

The childhood vision is significant as it represents a profound insight into the nature of avoidant attachment. It illustrates how the individual internalized their mother's grief and depression, leading them to believe they were unworthy of love and support. This realization is central to understanding their avoidant behavior and the need to wear the 'magician's outfit'.

How does the avoidant individual feel when they go 'no contact'?

The script suggests that when an avoidant individual goes 'no contact', they initially feel a sense of relief and happiness, as they are no longer required to maintain the exhausting facade of the 'magician's outfit'. This allows them to be alone with their true selves without the pressure to perform or conform to others' expectations.

What are the five stages of breakup that the avoidant individual might go through according to the script?

The script outlines five stages of breakup for avoidant individuals: 1) Facade versus authentic self, 2) Exhaustion and resentment, 3) Intimacy avoidance, 4) Breakup as self-preservation, and 5) A desire for genuine love despite fear and avoidance.

How does the concept of Carl Jung's 'Persona' relate to the 'magician's outfit'?

Carl Jung's concept of the 'Persona' is similar to the 'magician's outfit' in that both represent a social mask or facade that individuals wear to fit in, gain approval, and navigate the external world. However, overidentification with the Persona, like the 'magician's outfit', can lead to a disconnection from one's authentic self, causing internal conflict and psychological distress.

Why do avoidant individuals value independence and solitude?

Avoidant individuals value independence and solitude because these states allow them to take off the 'magician's outfit' and express their true emotions without fear of judgment. Interactions often feel like performances, and intimacy is terrifying because it requires revealing emotions they've learned to avoid.

What is the 'avoidant death wheel' mentioned in the script?

The 'avoidant death wheel' is a concept used in the script to describe the cycle that avoidant individuals go through after a breakup. It includes stages such as the initial relief of being free from the facade, followed by nostalgia, regret, and eventually the pressure to put the 'magician's outfit' back on.

Why does the avoidant individual feel the need to put the 'magician's outfit' back on?

The avoidant individual feels the need to put the 'magician's outfit' back on because it offers a way to function and engage with the world without fully confronting their internal struggles. It becomes a necessary compromise to live a semblance of a normal life, even if it prevents them from experiencing genuine connection.

What is the 'sad truth' about the 'magician's outfit' as described in the script?

The 'sad truth' about the 'magician's outfit' is that while it provides temporary relief from the strain of maintaining a facade, it also perpetuates a cycle of emotional isolation and avoidance. It allows the avoidant individual to navigate life without exposing their vulnerabilities but keeps them from experiencing genuine connection and living fully.

Outlines

00:00

🧙‍♂️ The Concept of the Magician's Outfit

The paragraph introduces the concept of the 'Magician's Outfit' as a metaphor for the facade that avoidantly attached individuals adopt to navigate life and relationships. The author recounts a personal journey of self-reflection, uncovering the roots of their avoidant behavior through a profound vision. The vision symbolizes the emotional pain and emptiness stemming from childhood experiences, particularly the loss of a twin sister and a mother's depression. The 'Magician's Outfit' represents the emotional suppression and performance required to gain love and approval, which leads to a sense of inauthenticity and exhaustion. The author reflects on how this facade affects their adult relationships, causing them to avoid vulnerability and true connection.

05:02

🔄 The Cycle of Avoidant Attachment

This paragraph delves into the stages of emotional experience for avoidantly attached individuals, particularly focusing on the aftermath of a breakup. The author outlines a five-stage process: realizing the facade that attracts a partner, feeling exhaustion and resentment from maintaining this facade, avoiding intimacy due to fear of rejection, ending the relationship as a form of self-preservation, and finally, a deep longing for genuine love despite the fear and avoidance. The paragraph also draws a parallel between the 'Magician's Outfit' and Carl Jung's concept of the Persona, a social mask that individuals wear to fit in and gain approval, which can lead to a disconnection from one's true self if overidentified with.

10:03

🔁 The Avoidant Death Wheel and the Struggle with Authenticity

The final paragraph discusses the 'Avoidant Death Wheel,' a cycle that avoidantly attached individuals often find themselves in after a breakup. The author describes the initial relief and happiness that comes from being free from the pressures of maintaining a relationship, likened to taking off the 'Magician's Outfit.' However, this relief is short-lived as the deeper issues of loneliness and the inability to form genuine connections remain. The avoidant individual begins to experience nostalgia and regret, grappling with the emotional consequences of their actions. The paragraph concludes by reflecting on the sad reality that the 'Magician's Outfit' is both a burden and a refuge, trapping the individual in a cycle of fear, isolation, and the inability to experience true emotional connection.

Keywords

💡Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant Attachment is a style of attachment characterized by discomfort with emotional closeness and a preference for maintaining distance in relationships. In the video, the concept is used to explain the behavior of individuals who, after a breakup, may feel a sense of relief due to no longer having to maintain a facade in a relationship.

💡Magician's Outfit

The 'Magician's Outfit' is a metaphor used in the script to represent the facade or persona that an avoidantly attached individual feels they must wear to gain love and approval. It symbolizes the emotional suppression and performance required to meet others' expectations, as illustrated by the avoidant's need to constantly perform to avoid feelings of rejection and abandonment.

💡Persona

Persona, as introduced by Carl Jung, refers to a social mask or the part of oneself that is presented to the world to gain acceptance and navigate social norms. In the context of the video, it is likened to the 'Magician's Outfit,' representing the constructed identity that one feels compelled to wear, often at the cost of suppressing true emotions and needs.

💡No Contact Rule

The 'No Contact Rule' is a strategy often used after a breakup where one party cuts off all communication with the other. The video discusses how avoidants may hope for this to occur as it allows them to shed their performative persona and return to their authentic self, albeit temporarily.

💡Authentic Self

The 'Authentic Self' refers to an individual's true personality, feelings, and desires, as opposed to the facade they may present to others. The video emphasizes the struggle of avoidantly attached individuals to connect with their authentic self due to the pressure of maintaining a performative persona.

💡Emotional Pain

Emotional pain in the script is depicted as a core component of the avoidant's experience, stemming from feelings of worthlessness and emptiness. It is symbolized by the 'burnt-out, alien-like energy centers' in the avoidant's vision, representing the deep sadness and grief absorbed from early life experiences.

💡Disconnection

Disconnection is a term used to describe the feeling of being separated from one's true self or from others. In the video, it is highlighted as a result of the avoidant realizing that their partner is attracted to their performative persona, leading to a sense of dissatisfaction and a longing for genuine connection.

💡Exhaustion

Exhaustion is mentioned in relation to the constant effort required by avoidants to maintain their facade. It leads to resentment and a desire to distance oneself or end relationships to escape the pressure of performing, which is a significant theme in the video's discussion of avoidant attachment.

💡Intimacy Avoidance

Intimacy Avoidance is the fear of being truly seen and possibly rejected for who one is. The video uses this term to describe how avoidants may sabotage relationships or avoid deeper connections to protect their true selves from potential rejection.

💡Self-Preservation

Self-preservation in the script is discussed as a motive behind an avoidant's decision to end a relationship. It is seen as a protective measure to prevent the pain of rejection by avoiding the risk of their partner discovering their authentic self.

💡Genuine Love

Genuine love is contrasted with the love based on a facade or persona in the video. It represents the deep longing of avoidants to be loved for who they truly are, beyond the 'Magician's Outfit.' The script suggests that the cycle of presenting a facade and then withdrawing prevents authentic connections from forming.

Highlights

The concept of 'The Magician's outfit' as a metaphor for the avoidant attachment style.

The avoidant's struggle with the facade they maintain to gain love and approval.

The emotional pain and emptiness felt by the avoidant as a child.

The vision of the childhood bathroom and the oversized magician's outfit.

The blue light symbolizing the mother's depression and grief.

The avoidant's belief that they are unworthy of love and support.

The class clown persona as a way to gain attention and validation.

The void left by the lack of unconditional love despite receiving attention.

The exhaustion of constantly wearing 'The Magician's outfit' as an adult.

The need for solitude to express true emotions without fear of judgment.

The five stages of an avoidant's experience during a no-contact rule.

The avoidant's realization that their partner is attracted to a facade.

The internal conflict and stress caused by maintaining the facade.

The fear of intimacy and vulnerability leading to relationship sabotage.

The self-preservation aspect of breakups for avoidants.

The longing for genuine love despite the fear and avoidance.

Carl Jung's concept of the Persona and its relation to 'The Magician's outfit'.

The avoidant's need for space and the fear of emotional performance.

The struggle to break through ingrained patterns and express true emotions.

The avoidant death wheel and the stages of an avoidant's emotional journey post-breakup.

The temporary relief and subsequent regret after ending a relationship.

The cycle of putting the 'Magician's outfit' back on due to fear of vulnerability and isolation.

The sad truth about the 'Magician's outfit' as a necessary compromise for avoidants.

Transcripts

the number one thing that an avoidant

hopes for when you go no contact is to

throw off their magician's outfit all

right so what the heck is a magician's

outfit and what does it have to do with

an avoidant hoping for you to do

something when you go no contact check

this out I was uh prowling the avoidant

attachment subreddit and I happen to

stumble across this wild post written by

an avoidant named timely ad 5523 not

exactly the most reputable Source but

with me here anyways their post is

incredibly long but I found it to be

incredibly insightful and it brings up a

concept that I've actually never even

considered before so here's what we're

going to do I'm going to read you an a

bridged version I've had a profound

insight into the nature of avoidant

attachment through a vision that came to

me I share this for three reasons to

deepen my understanding and healing to

help non-avoidance grasp what our

internal world is like and to offer

Solace and shared experience to other

avoidance recently I was working on

healing my avoidant attachment style

things had gone wrong with a romantic

interest mainly because I sabotaged it I

felt incredibly rejected and did

everything to avoid thinking about her

even her name triggered feelings of

rejection shame and abandonment knowing

these feelings are at the core of my

attachment style I decided to confront

them headon lying in bed I repeatedly

brought up her name and image despite my

mind's attempts to distract me as as I

focused a deep sense of emptiness and

worthlessness welled up Contracting my

entire body the sensations were so

intense that I wanted to thrash and

escaped them but I held still determined

to face them in my mind's eye I saw my

chest and body open revealing three to

four black kidney-shaped structures at

my chakra points these burned out

alien-like energy centers emitted a

defeated Buzz symbolizing the core of my

emotional pain touching the largest of

these energy bows triggered a vision

that wouldn't leave me the vision took

me to my childhood bathroom drenched in

a deep sad blue light the world outside

was empty and decaying reflecting in all

encompassing sadness inside the bathroom

my childhood self was being dressed in

an oversized magician's outfit by my

mother who was humming absent-mindedly

her smile seemed genuine but forced and

she wasn't truly present with me despite

my disappointment with the outfit I let

her continue adjusting it because it

made her happy the vision made me

realize that the blue light symbolized

my mother's depression and grief

stemming from the loss of my twin sister

during childbirth as an infant I

absorbed this grief which flooded my

world with sadness and emptiness the

oversized magician's outfit represented

the emotions I couldn't manage alone my

mother's emotional unavailability led me

to believe I was Unworthy of her love

and support to survive I learned to hide

my true emotions adopting a Persona that

pleased her The Magician's outfit the

out outfit became a metaphor for how I

navigated life I had to perform for love

and approval wearing this magician's

outfit to gain attention as a child I

became the class clown always performing

to earn validation but no matter how

much attention I received I never felted

the void left by the lack of

unconditional love The Magician's outfit

allowed me to avoid the risk of

rejection but it also kept me from

experiencing true love and connection as

an adult I find it exhausting to

constantly wear this outfit which is now

so tight it feels like part of my skin

being alone is the only time I can take

off The Magician's outfit and wear other

clothes expressing my true emotions

without fear of judgment all right let's

stop here for a moment because there's a

lot to unpack you know between you and I

one of the biggest issues with writing a

script for YouTube is trying to take a

tired old idea and find some new

originality in it I mean let's be honest

this is not the first time that I've

talked about what avoidance feel during

a no contact rule I've done it in this

video I've talked tirelessly about my

avoidant death wheel and the fact that

after an avoidant leaves a relationship

they actually Rejoice about that fact

but the thing that struck me about this

person's story is how much of a unique

take it is on the whole avoidant Persona

specifically as it relates to the no

contact rule I mean take a look at their

last statement as an adult I find it

exhausting to constantly wear this

outfit which is now so tight it feels

like part of my skin being alone is the

only time I can take off The Magician's

outfit and wear other clothes expressing

my true emotions without fear of

judgment so essentially what this

avoidant is saying is that they've lived

so long wearing this magician's cloak

this magician's outfit that it's almost

become part of their identity and it

becomes even more difficult to shed that

and it might actually explain why so

many avoidance tend to go through

breakups I mean it happens over five

stages you have the first stage which is

the fac OD versus the authentic self you

know over time the avoidant might

realize that their partner is attracted

to the version of them that is always

composed entertaining or self-sufficient

The Magician's outfit now this

recognition can lead to a deep sense of

disconnection and dissatisfaction

because the avoidant knows that the

relationship is based on a version of

themselves that really isn't real which

of course leads us to stage two

exhaustion and resentment the constant

effort to maintain this facade becomes

exhausting leading to resentment the

avoidant might begin to feel trapped

unable to reveal their true self without

risking rejection or the loss of their

partner's love this internal conflict

can create significant stress often

pushing the avoidant to distance

themselves or even end the relationship

to escape the pressure of maintaining

the facade which leads us to stage three

intimacy avoidance the avoidance fear of

truly being seen and possibly rejected

for who they are under the magician's

outfit leads them to avoid deeper

intimacy

you know they may subconsciously

sabotage relationships as they start to

feel too close or vulnerable believing

that their partner wouldn't really

accept their true self which of course

leads us to stage four breakup as

self-preservation so they decide to end

a relationship and this can be seen as a

form of self-preservation by breaking up

the avoidant avoids the risk of their

partner discovering the real them and

possibly rejecting it in this way the

breakup serves as a protect measure

against the potential pain of rejection

and that leads us to stage five a desire

for genuine love despite the fear and

avoidance there is often a deep longing

within the avoidant to be loved for who

they truly are not just the magician's

outfit but the cycle of presenting a

facade and then withdrawing when it

becomes too exhausting or unsustainable

prevents this kind of authentic

connection from forming there's an eerie

similarity that this all has to this

concept of a s this is Carl Jung he's a

Swiss psychiatrist psychotherapist and

psychologist who founded the school of

analytical psychology he also founded

the idea of the facade or the Persona a

social mask that individuals wear to fit

in gain approval and navigate the

external world all right so check this

out we have two concepts being presented

to us here Young's Persona and The

Magician's outfit let's talk about the

facade or the Persona first Carl Young

described the Persona as this sort of

social mask that individuals wear to fit

in to gain approval and navigate the

external world it's the part of

ourselves that we present to others but

it often conceals our true feelings

desires and vulnerabilities the Persona

helps us interact with Society in a way

that's deemed acceptable and expected

here's the interesting part though the

Persona serves as a protective layer

allowing individuals to adapt to social

norms and roles however young War that

overidentification with the Persona can

lead to a disconnection from the

authentic self causing internal conflict

and psychological distress now let's

look at the magician's outfit we know

the magician's outfit functions

similarly to Young's concept of the

Persona it represents the performative

constructed identity that you feel

compelled to wear to gain love and

approval like the Persona The Magician's

outfit is tailored to meet the

expectations of others at the cost of

suppressing your true emotions and needs

but there's a sad internal conflict that

comes with wearing it it's exhausting

because it requires constant performance

much like how over Reliance on the

Persona can lead to a sense of

inauthenticity the struggle that the

avoidant who came up with it describes

feeling trapped in this outfit and

longing to express their true self it

really mirrors the psychological tension

young associated with an overdeveloped

or rigid Persona all right let's go back

to that of avoidance Vision now because

I kind of cut us off Midway through so

timely ad goes on to say this need for

space explains why avoidance like me

withdraw from others it's not that we

dislike people but that every

interaction feels like a performance

intimacy which involves sharing

different emotions is terrifying because

it requires wearing other outfits that

we've learned to avoid avoidance often

feel they must manage their emotions

alone as their needs are seen as

burdensome this is why we Value

Independence and Solitude an example I

have is a family friend who during a

heart attack drove himself to the

hospital to avoid bothering anyone a

logic I completely understand now I'm

trying to wear other outfits and share

my true emotions with others but the

walls I've built are so incredibly High

it feels like trying to defy gravity

breaking through ingrained patterns that

I have defined in my life this is why I

wouldn't shy away from intimacy it's the

fear of being seen in anything other

than the magician's outfit again I'd

actually like to pull up the avoidant

death wheel here if you're a subscriber

to this channel this shouldn't be new

I've talked about this so many times the

part that always gets people is stage

six right here the I'm so happy that I

left stage basically after going through

a breakup the avoidant rejoices after

getting their freedom back so we know

that avoidance do this and for most

people that's enough that's where they

stop but I don't want to stop there I'm

not satisfied ified with what I want to

understand why think about the

magician's clothing metaphor we

discussed for avoidance being in a

relationship often feels like they're

constantly wearing that restrictive

outfit a facade they've had to maintain

to keep the relationship going this

outfit is exhausting to wear because it

requires them to hide their true selves

their vulnerabilities and their deeper

emotions all to fit the expectations

they believe their partner has when an

avoidant finally exits a relationship

the feeling of relief and happiness

comes from actually just being able to

take off that suffocating magician's

outfit they're no longer under the

pressure to perform to be someone that

they're not for the first time in a long

while they can just be alone with their

true self without having to conform to

anyone else's expectations the sense of

freedom is intoxicating because it

represents a return to authenticity even

if that authenticity is something that

they only allow themselves to experience

in solitude yet

this relief is often shortlived as the

deeper issues of loneliness and the

inability to connect on a genuine level

remain unresolved the I'm so happy that

I left stage is less about true

happiness and more about temporary

relief from the strain of maintaining a

facade but once again pulling up the

avoidant death wheel you'll notice that

with stages seven and 8 Nostalgia and

regret the avoidant starts to Grapple

with the emotional consequences of even

their temporary relief after the initial

Euphoria of taking off The Magician's

outfit something interesting begins to

occur in the nostalgist stage stage

seven the avoidant may find themselves

revisiting memories of the relationship

not necessarily out of a desire to

return though we do see that happen but

because those memories of connections

start to haunt them think about it from

their perspective inside the avoidant

feels a growing sense of

unease the freedom they cherish starts

to feel Hollow as the reality of their

Solitude sets in the memories of

closeness those moments when they

allowed someone to even see a glimpse of

their true self began to surface not as

a longing to reconnect but as a reminder

of what they've pushed away the facade

they once wore feels less like a burden

they escaped and more like a necessary

armor they discarded too soon and then

of course we have the final stage of the

death wheel regret as they move into the

regret stage the struggle intensifies

the avoidant is caught between two

conflicting desires the need to protect

themselves from the vulnerability that

comes from intimacy and the Deep

unacknowledged longing for connection

they may not consciously wish to return

to the relationship but they are just

constantly flooded with memories of what

they've lost the regret is about the

realization that their freedom comes

with a price continued emotional

isolation and the Perpetual cycle of

running from their true feelings and

this state the avoiding begins to feel

the familiar pressure to put the

magician's outfit back on the very thing

that once felt suffocating now seems

like a refuge from the discomfort of

their own emotions the facade offers a

way to function to engage with the world

without fully confronting the depth of

their internal struggle they Retreat

into the safety of the Persona they've

perfected over the years and there in

lies the sad truth about the magician's

outfit every time they take it off they

get temporary relief but in evitably

become reminded that it's a parasite The

Magician's outfit allows them to

navigate life without exposing their

vulner abilities but it also keeps them

from experiencing genuine connection and

so the fear of being truly seen of

facing their own emotions without the

mask drives them back to the familiar

the cycle continues because the avoidant

feels trapped between the fear of

vulnerability and the fear of isolation

in the end The Magician's outfit becomes

a as they deem it necess Neary

compromise a way to live but not

necessarily a way to live fully and

that's the sad truth about avoidance