EP18. Best of Dating & Relationships Part 2

Summary

The transcript explores the impact of self-identity and self-management on personal growth and relationships. It emphasizes that our value is not in what we do but who we are and our inherent desires. The speaker discusses how unmet needs can lead to seeking affirmation from others and the importance of recognizing and managing these needs. They also touch on the concept of negotiated agreements in relationships and the power dynamics that can result from them. The conversation highlights the importance of self-management and not relying on others to fulfill our needs, using personal anecdotes and experiences to illustrate the points.

Takeaways

• 🧠 **Self-Recognition**: Understanding that it's not about what you do, but who you are and the appetite you have for personal growth and fulfillment.
• 🔄 **Turnaround Insight**: Recognizing that personal affirmation comes from within, not from external validation or the need for others to affirm your abilities.
• 📈 **Opportunity for Growth**: Acknowledging that knowing better provides the chance to do better, even if it doesn't always lead to immediate action.
• 🤝 **Relationship Dynamics**: Realizing that relationships, whether familial, friendly, or romantic, are built on unspoken agreements and expectations.
• 👥 **Community Impact**: Noting that the need for affirmation and recognition is not limited to romantic relationships but extends to all types of social connections.
• 🆘 **Caregiver's Dilemma**: Identifying the issue where those who are always helping or fixing things for others may inadvertently create a community that relies on them excessively.
• 💡 **Self-Management**: Emphasizing the importance of managing oneself effectively as a key to successful relationships and personal well-being.
• 🎶 **Artistic Insight**: Sharing a personal anecdote about a conversation with rapper Nas, highlighting the universal understanding of self-management's role in relationship success.
• 🌐 **Societal Expectations**: Discussing how societal norms and expectations can influence personal behavior and the desire to conform or resist those pressures.
• 🏡 **Family and Respect**: Reflecting on the impact of family upbringing and respect for elders on personal choices, particularly in matters of relationships and lifestyle.

Q & A

What is the primary focus of personal growth according to the transcript?

The primary focus of personal growth is understanding that it's not about the actions one takes but rather who one is and the appetite one has, and how one meets the need of that appetite.

What is the 'good news' mentioned in the transcript?

The 'good news' is that once you know better, you have the opportunity to do better, even though it's not always guaranteed that one will act on that knowledge.

How does the concept of 'negotiated agreements' relate to personal relationships?

In personal relationships, there are often unspoken agreements about how each party should behave and contribute, which can lead to expectations and potential disappointments if those agreements are not met.

Why does the speaker emphasize the importance of self-management in relationships?

Self-management is crucial because it allows individuals to manage their own behaviors and actions, which can prevent blaming others for relationship issues and promote personal responsibility.

What does the speaker mean by 'manage your damn self'?

The phrase 'manage your damn self' is a call to personal responsibility and self-control, urging individuals to take charge of their own actions and behaviors instead of relying on or blaming others.

Why does the speaker say that many people feel unseen or unsupported despite appearing successful?

The speaker suggests that many people feel unseen because they have negotiated agreements with others that they don't need help, leading to a facade of independence that masks their actual need for support.

What role does self-management play in the success of relationships according to the transcript?

Self-management plays a critical role in relationship success because it allows individuals to address their own needs and behaviors, reducing the burden on the relationship and fostering mutual respect and understanding.

What does the speaker mean by 'the power of the Human Condition'?

The 'power of the Human Condition' refers to the ability to have control over one's own behaviors and actions, which can lead to a sense of freedom and autonomy in one's life.

Why does the speaker say that some people are hesitant to bring partners home to meet their family?

Some people are hesitant to bring partners home due to a desire to protect their personal relationships and maintain a certain image or lifestyle, as well as a respect for family values and boundaries.

What is the significance of the Nas concert story in the transcript?

The Nas concert story illustrates the idea that self-management is a universally understood concept, even among those who are not typically associated with relationship advice, and it highlights the importance of personal accountability.

How does the speaker view the role of societal expectations in personal relationships?

The speaker views societal expectations as influential in shaping personal relationships, suggesting that individuals often feel pressure to conform to certain behaviors or lifestyles, which can impact their relationships and sense of self.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 Self-Affirmation and Relationships

The speaker discusses the importance of self-affirmation and how it affects various aspects of life, including work, business, and romantic relationships. They emphasize that our actions and decisions are often driven by the need for affirmation from others. The speaker highlights that recognizing this need is crucial for personal growth. They also mention that when we understand our true needs, we can change our behavior and expectations from others. The conversation touches on how we often create relationships where we are the ones always helping or fixing things for others, which may stem from a need for affirmation. The speaker encourages recognizing and changing these patterns to foster healthier relationships.

05:00

🤔 Self-Management in Relationships

The speaker shares a conversation with a rapper named Nas about what causes relationships to fail. They conclude that self-management is the key factor. The speaker explains that often, people blame others for the failures in their relationships, but the real issue is their inability to manage themselves. They stress the importance of taking responsibility for one's actions and behaviors, rather than expecting others to change. The speaker also discusses the concept of 'negotiated agreements' in relationships, where people have unspoken rules about how they interact. They argue that these agreements can sometimes lead to unhealthy dynamics, where one person always feels like they need to fix the other. The speaker encourages individuals to focus on self-improvement and self-management to create healthier relationships.

10:02

🏡 Personal Boundaries and Respect

The speaker talks about personal boundaries and the importance of respecting oneself and one's family. They mention their own practice of not bringing partners home, as a way to maintain privacy and respect for their family's values. The speaker also discusses the challenges of being in certain lifestyles and how it can affect relationships. They share a story about a celebrity who had to deal with a partner who didn't respect their boundaries and status. The speaker emphasizes the importance of finding a partner who is equal and respectful, and not someone who tries to maximize or minimize them. They conclude by stating that until they find such a person, they will maintain their boundaries and not expose their personal life to others.

Keywords

💡Self-Affirmation

Self-affirmation refers to the process by which individuals validate their own worth or abilities. In the video, it is discussed that much of what people seek in their roles is based on their capabilities and actions. The script mentions that as individuals mature, their expectations and the level of their actions change, but the need for self-affirmation remains. It's tied to the video's theme by illustrating how people's decisions are often driven by their need for affirmation, which can lead to unhealthy dynamics if not addressed.

💡Maturity

Maturity in the context of the video refers to the state of being fully developed, both physically and emotionally. It is mentioned that as people mature, their actions and roles change. Maturity is linked to the video's theme by showing how different life stages bring about different levels of understanding and self-awareness, which in turn affect how individuals manage their relationships and seek affirmation.

💡Appetite

In the video, 'appetite' is used metaphorically to describe a person's desire or need for something, particularly in the context of seeking affirmation or validation from others. The script explains that it's not about the actions one performs but about who one is and the 'appetite' one has that drives those actions. It's a key concept in understanding the video's message about self-management and the pursuit of external validation.

💡Self-Management

Self-management is the ability of an individual to deal with their own behavior and emotions effectively. The video emphasizes the importance of self-management in relationships, suggesting that many relationship issues stem from a lack of it. The script uses the phrase 'manage your damn self' to convey the necessity of individuals taking responsibility for their actions and not relying on others to provide a sense of self-worth or direction.

💡Negotiated Agreements

Negotiated agreements in the video refer to the unspoken or implicit understandings that people have in their relationships. The script discusses how these agreements can shape the dynamics of relationships, leading to expectations and roles that individuals play. It's a key concept as it relates to how people often feel trapped in roles they've unconsciously agreed to, which can hinder personal growth and fulfillment.

💡Caretakers

Caretakers in the video are individuals who consistently take care of others' needs, often at the expense of their own. The script mentions that caretakers are often overlooked and not asked about their own well-being. This term is used to highlight the imbalance that can occur in relationships when one person takes on too much responsibility for others' happiness or needs.

💡Perfection

Perfection, as discussed in the video, refers to the unrealistic standard that some individuals hold themselves or others to. The script uses the term in the context of relationship dynamics where one party may always be expected to 'pay' or perform perfectly, leading to resentment or burnout. It ties into the video's theme by illustrating the pressure and stress that can result from unattainable expectations.

💡Self-Worth

Self-worth in the video is about an individual's intrinsic value and sense of self-esteem. The script suggests that many people seek external validation to affirm their self-worth, which can lead to unhealthy dependencies in relationships. Understanding one's self-worth is crucial to the video's message of self-management and the need to find internal validation rather than relying on others.

💡Lifestyle

Lifestyle in the video refers to the interests, opinions, behaviors, and behavioral orientations of an individual, group, or culture. The script touches on how different lifestyles can influence relationship dynamics and the expectations placed on individuals within those relationships. It's used to illustrate the diversity of experiences and how personal values and societal norms can shape one's approach to relationships.

💡Freedom

Freedom in the context of the video is about living authentically and not being constrained by the expectations of others. The script talks about the joy of being able to live according to one's own rhythm and cadence, rather than trying to meet everyone else's demands. It's a central concept in the video's advocacy for self-management and the pursuit of personal happiness over societal or relationship pressures.

💡Human Condition

The human condition in the video encompasses the shared experiences and characteristics of being human, such as the desire for connection, the need for affirmation, and the struggle for self-identity. The script uses this term to discuss the universal aspects of human life that can lead to both fulfillment and conflict in relationships. It's used to emphasize the commonality of human experiences and the potential for growth through self-awareness and self-management.

Highlights

The importance of recognizing that our self-worth is not based on what we do but who we are.

The realization that seeking affirmation from others can be a sign of unmet personal needs.

The concept that as we mature, our relationships and the way we conduct them change.

The opportunity for self-improvement when we become aware of our shortcomings.

The idea that we often have unspoken agreements in our relationships that define how we interact.

The insight that being a 'caretaker' in relationships can lead to others not acknowledging your needs.

The notion that self-management is crucial for the success of relationships.

The understanding that we often blame others for the failures in our relationships instead of looking inward.

The role of self-management in maintaining personal freedom and not living according to others' expectations.

The impact of societal norms and expectations on personal relationships and self-expression.

The importance of maintaining personal boundaries and self-respect in relationships.

The idea that until we find a person who is equal in a relationship, we might choose to keep them private.

The challenge of managing relationships in the public eye and the potential for being minimized or maximized.

The advice that instead of trying to fix others, we should focus on self-improvement.

The discussion on how we often expect others to change rather than addressing our own behavior.

The concept of 'negotiated agreements' in relationships and how they shape our interactions.

The idea that we should manage our own lives instead of relying on others to meet our needs.

The importance of recognizing the power we have in our behaviors and actions.

Transcripts

because so much of what we can be

affirmed for in our roles is based

on what we're able to do yeah and of

course at that age when you're younger

the level of what you're doing is

different than when you're older more

mature having work relationships

business relationships romantic

relationships but you'd be surprised how

many of your

decisions can be conducted like

legitimately conducted based on that

need that's not yet turned around right

and what it looks like when it's turned

around is being able to recognize first

of all it's not about the stuff that you

do it's about who you are and the

appetite that you have and how you meet

the need of that appetite MH if that

appetite is all about somebody affirming

you seeing you believing you are

brilliant and being able to say to you

gosh you are so smart I don't know what

I would have done if you weren't around

then you are pulling for that because

you're not going first yeah and and

there's some good news right great news

the good news is when you know better

you have the opportunity

to better now we don't always do better

when we know better but you have the

opportunity to do something different to

recognize what you're pulling for from

others in your community in your

relationships because this is not just

romantic y'all this is even in your

family relationships this is in your

friendships if you find that you are the

one that is always fixing things for

everybody else you're the one that

always has to come to the rescue it

could be that you've created a tribe of

people that need you now that's the

agreement that you have with them and we

talk about negotiated agreements we

always have Unwritten unspoken

agreements with people who we are in

relationship with now marriage is a

written contract but when you are in

business relationships when you're in

friendships when you're in family

relationships you really do have

contracts with those people negotiated

agreements that say this is how I show

up and this is how you show

upul here are the rules the rules are we

go out I

pay Perfection Perfection that's the

rules so don't get mad when you show up

and you got to pay all the time and they

never offer the help in fact what we

hear from the brilliant ones and the

caretakers all the time

is nobody ever asks them how they're

doing nobody ever sees them even

sometimes they'll say their parents will

say things like oh I don't worry about

you yeah you always going to bounce back

you are always going to land on your

feet now your brothers and sisters I

worry about them I got to keep up with

them but you you going to be all right

and meanwhile that person is like in a

ocean drowning just cuz you might look

like a swan on top of the water but

underneath you are pedaling because you

didn't just get there by by a you know a

a miracle you worked hard for where you

are and every day is a challenge and you

feel like you want somebody to just

check on you to ask you what you need

but you've negotiated agreements with

the people around you that you don't

need anybody if you've ever said to

yourself oh Child by the time the time

it's going to take me to teach them how

to do this I would have it done and

moved on you need to be listening so sis

I went to Paris a couple of years ago we

we we we in

Petty and um you know I did a lot of

interesting things and one of the things

that I did was I went to a

concert for a brilliant prolific writer

great mind of our time

rapper by the name of nir

Jones ah do you know who that is

Nas so I go to Paris I go to a Nas

concert in Paris and after the concert I

go back to the hotel and we are in

conversation yes you are in conversation

with

okay and he's sitting next to me and

we're talking he says so doc this is

what you do I

said what do I do he said the

relationship thing I said yeah he said

in one

word tell me what causes

relationships to

fail and I said

self-management and he looked at at me

and I looked at him I I he said

man you did that you did that I didn't

have to say lack of self-management I

didn't have to say poor self-management

I didn't have to say great

self-management he understood with that

brilliant mind exactly what I was saying

in that moment and the thing that is

interesting

is a lot of

things go right or go left based on our

ability to manage ourselves manage your

damn self manage your damn you know how

often do we look at

situations and say if they were

just they would just if they would just

act right I wouldn't be cussing

everybody out if they just get it

together we'd have a better relationship

if they would just leave me alone we'd

be good what we often look at others and

we look at situations and point the

finger at the other person at the other

person even on the show sis right I'm

put a ring on it couples come together

right trying to figure out whether or

not they should be together after this

longterm relationship yeah and we've

watched it you and I discuss it as it's

going on and what we know is that come

in like if you could just fix her if you

could just fix him and what we know

behind the scenes is like if you could

just fix your damn

self just saying not saying that from a

condemnation tone of voice not

condemning not not coming for you

because remember Crystal has a self and

Nicole has a self and and I got to I got

to manage my damn self all the time

every day all the time you know in doing

that

show so many people would come on and

bless them I you know it it's a

beautiful thing for a couple to

say we want to work with you because we

feel like you're going to do what's

necessary for the

relationship that is a very true

statement because we hold the space for

the

relationship the challenge becomes when

the couple thinks the space that's being

held is for you to fix the other person

Dr Nicole I need you to fix this person

I need you to fix him I need you to fix

her make her make

him cuz that's not how it works right

it's not how it works the power of the

Human Condition is the fact that we have

a level of

power in our behaviors and in our

actions yeah isn't it isn't it yummy um

to feel a sense of

Freedom yeah

like you're not living to the beat of

everybody else's drum cuz everybody's

got a drum and everybody Beats at a

different Cadence and has a different

Rhythm so when you're just beating

moving to the beat of your own

drum whatever sound you make however you

are moving to that beat is very

different than the chaos of trying to do

what everybody wants you to do oh yes

that's why I say I love it that's why I

said I could just be me and you know and

the thing is though too and I mean

because we in a different Society now

with you know Lifestyles and lgbtq and

and everything like there but my thing

is and I don't my psychi tell me you're

different you're different gay

because because the thing because with

me I don't do a lot of the things they

do I don't you know people do and I

don't like say to my parents my parents

never see me in a relationship they

never I have never brought a man home

never and and and my brothers have never

see me with a guy and I never even talk

about it with him really that's just me

because I was raised to respect myself

and I respect my parents you know even

though me and my parent my my dad is

deceased now but my mom and I you know

honey we love next door to each other

but I just don't believe that's just me

live next door to each other and she's

never met a part because I don't bring

guys home I don't because I mean and

this I know y this might sound crazy I

know I may be going all over the place I

mean for me one of the reason why I

never brought anybody at home because my

thing is in certain Lifestyles even

during heterosexual lifestyle too you

know you switch m

I'm not going to do all that bringing a

different guy home every day oh this my

friend oh this Leroy this Char this

Bucky no

youy so I'm not doing all that so until

I feel and I haven't found you know just

a good person yet you know I'm not g to

do all that you're not g to be exposed

it's just like and I mean this may sound

it's just like a relationship say but I

know a certain celebrity who um dated

guys this woman she dated guys or you

date these people and you in a lifestyle

certain lifestyle and then they want to

be a star um your ass was picking up

trash stay doing that I'm the star you

pick up your trash but we can still be

together you see so I'm not going to sit

here and do that and um make you the

star or whatever and then you put me

down or whatever you know what I'm

saying people try to make um maximize

you or minimize you at least you know so

until I get to where I want to be and

think I got somebody that's more equal

to me

I'll expose you but not

no