Is Dating Today Really “Impossible”?

Summary

In this video, Matthew Hussey discusses the challenges of modern dating and suggests that many people approach it incorrectly. He criticizes the 'race to the bottom' in dating efforts and the tendency to be aloof to appear rare and valuable. Instead, he encourages being 'rare by being awesome', expressing oneself authentically to create value and invite reciprocity. Hussey emphasizes the importance of personal leadership in dating, being proactive rather than reactive, and creating an environment where both parties can be their best selves.

Takeaways

• 😔 Dating can feel difficult due to societal pressures and the 'race to the bottom' in terms of effort, where people avoid vulnerability.
• 🧐 The belief that being aloof and distant can make one appear rare or valuable is counterproductive in dating.
• 🌟 Being 'rare by being awesome' involves expressing one's true self, showing humor, playfulness, and interest in others.
• 🚫 The danger of being too awesome is that it might be mistaken for availability, causing others to take you for granted.
• 🔑 The principle of reciprocity suggests that giving first can lead to receiving in return, which is often lacking in modern dating.
• 🙅‍♂️ A follower mindset in dating, waiting for others to make the first move, can prevent the creation of a positive, engaging dynamic.
• 💡 Personal leadership in dating involves taking initiative to create an impact and set the tone for interactions.
• 🤝 The energy and attitude you bring can influence and potentially change the behavior of your dating partners.
• 💌 Small acts of bravery in communication, like sending a flirtatious text, can significantly alter the dynamic of a dating relationship.
• 😃 Making others feel brave and like a better version of themselves can increase your attractiveness and the enjoyment of being around you.
• 👋 Leaving the follower mode and embracing leadership in dating can make the process more enjoyable and successful.

Q & A

What is the main challenge people face in dating today according to Matthew Hussey?

Matthew Hussey suggests that dating today feels difficult because of a 'Race To The Bottom' in terms of effort, where people compete to appear aloof and not vulnerable, which paradoxically makes them less unique and more like everyone else.

What does Matthew Hussey believe is the cultural issue affecting dating?

He thinks there's a cultural issue where people are playing a game of being aloof to seem rare and valuable, which actually makes them blend in and become invisible in the dating scene.

How does Matthew Hussey define 'being rare by being awesome'?

He defines it as the ability to truly express oneself, show a sense of humor, be playful, fun, flirtatious, and curious about someone, which creates value for someone else.

What is the principle of reciprocity that Matthew Hussey talks about?

The principle of reciprocity is the idea that if we give first, we are much more likely to receive the same thing from someone else, which is a powerful concept in dating.

Why does Matthew Hussey think dating is seen as hard?

He believes dating is seen as hard because people are approaching it all wrong, often expecting others to make them feel comfortable or safe before they reciprocate with vulnerability or playfulness.

What does Matthew Hussey mean by 'leadership in dating'?

He means taking personal responsibility to create an impact and energy in dating situations, rather than following or waiting for someone else to lead.

What is the 'follower mindset' Matthew Hussey warns against in dating?

The 'follower mindset' is a passive approach to dating where individuals wait for others to evoke their best qualities before they reciprocate, which can lead to missed opportunities and a lack of genuine connection.

How does Matthew Hussey suggest people should approach post-date communication?

He suggests being warm, affectionate, and expressing genuine enjoyment from the date, such as sending a message the next day saying you're still smiling from the date.

What is the role of bravery in dating according to Matthew Hussey?

Bravery plays a role in dating by allowing individuals to be more of themselves upfront, which can make others feel braver and more likely to express their true selves in return.

How does Matthew Hussey recommend using Matthew AI?

He recommends using Matthew AI to ask questions about dating, get insights on what messages mean, or seek advice on what to say next in a dating scenario.

Outlines

00:00

😔 The Perceived Difficulty of Dating

The speaker, Matthew Hussey, begins by addressing the common sentiment that dating is extremely challenging today. He acknowledges the difficulties but refutes the notion that it's impossible. Instead, he focuses on understanding why it's hard for many and suggests ways to improve the dating experience. Hussey introduces himself as an author and relationship expert with 17 years of experience helping people find love and increase their self-confidence. He emphasizes the importance of not playing 'hard to get' or being aloof, which he argues is a common but ineffective dating strategy. He suggests that being genuinely expressive and awesome is a better way to stand out and attract a partner.

05:02

🌞 The Power of Being 'Awesome'

Matthew Hussey discusses two contrasting approaches to dating: being aloof to appear rare versus being genuinely awesome. He argues that playing hard to get can make one invisible and indistinguishable from others doing the same. Instead, he advocates for being expressive, playful, and flirtatious to create value and stand out. However, he warns of the potential downside of being perceived as too available, which might lead to being taken for granted. He introduces the concept of 'leadership' in dating, suggesting that taking initiative and creating a positive, engaging atmosphere can lead to more rewarding interactions.

10:03

🤝 The Principle of Reciprocity in Dating

Hussey introduces the principle of reciprocity, suggesting that giving energy and positivity first can encourage the same in return. He criticizes the common dating approach of expecting others to make one feel comfortable or safe before reciprocating. He encourages taking a leadership role in dating by setting the tone and creating an environment that invites positive interaction. He shares examples from his own life and experiences, such as how his organization's culture of affection can influence and change people's behavior, making them more open and affectionate.

15:03

💡 Leading to Evoke the Best in Others

Matthew Hussey emphasizes the importance of leading in dating to bring out the best in potential partners. He suggests that by being playful, warm, and flirtatious, one can inspire similar behavior in others. He provides examples of how to respond to common, dull conversation starters in a way that can energize and deepen the interaction. Hussey also discusses the idea of not just accepting dull or uninteresting behavior in a dating context but instead trying to elevate it through one's own energy and leadership.

20:05

📲 The Impact of Positive Communication

In the final paragraph, Hussey talks about the power of positive communication in dating. He gives examples of messages that can convey attraction and warmth, suggesting that such communication can clarify and enhance the budding romantic connection. He also mentions his AI tool, Matthew AI, which can help people navigate dating questions and scenarios. Hussey encourages viewers to try the tool and to shift from a passive dating approach to a more active, leading one, arguing that this can make dating more enjoyable and successful.

Keywords

💡Dating

Dating refers to the process of getting to know someone with the potential for a romantic relationship. In the video, dating is discussed as a challenging yet not impossible endeavor. The script explores why dating is difficult for many and suggests ways to improve the experience by being more authentic and less aloof.

💡Aloof

Aloof describes a person who is distant or unemotional, often to appear rare or valuable. The video script criticizes the strategy of being aloof in dating as it can lead to invisibility and a lack of genuine connection. It contrasts aloofness with being 'awesome' by expressing oneself authentically.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity is the quality of being genuine and true to oneself. The video emphasizes the importance of authenticity in dating, suggesting that being true to oneself and expressing one's personality can lead to more meaningful connections rather than playing games or being aloof.

💡Reciprocity

Reciprocity is the concept of mutual exchange, where actions of one party are met with similar actions by another. The video discusses the principle of reciprocity in dating, advocating for giving first to create an environment where others are more likely to respond in kind.

💡Leadership

Leadership in the context of the video refers to taking initiative and responsibility for the direction and energy of a dating interaction. It contrasts with a 'follower' mindset, encouraging individuals to create an impact and set the tone for their dating experiences rather than passively waiting for others to lead.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the state of being open to injury or emotional attack, often associated with the willingness to show one's true self. The video script discusses vulnerability as a positive trait in dating when it's balanced with self-respect and the ability to withhold energy from those who don't reciprocate.

💡Availability

Availability in the video refers to the perceived accessibility of a person, which can influence how others approach and interact with them. It is suggested that appearing too available can be detrimental, whereas showing one's value by being selective and not overly available can be advantageous.

💡Flirtatious

Flirtatious describes behavior that is playful and suggestive, often used to express romantic interest. The video encourages being flirtatious as a way to be 'awesome' in dating, creating a fun and engaging atmosphere that can draw others in.

💡Investment

Investment in the context of dating refers to the emotional and effortful commitment one person makes towards another. The video script talks about the importance of feeling a sense of investment from a potential partner as an indicator of a promising relationship.

💡Follower Mode

Follower mode is a term used in the video to describe a passive approach to dating where individuals wait for others to set the tone or make the first move. The video encourages stepping out of follower mode and into a more proactive and leading role to enhance dating experiences.

💡Matthew AI

Matthew AI is an artificial intelligence tool mentioned in the video that provides advice and insights on dating and relationships. It is portrayed as a resource for individuals seeking guidance on what to say or do in their love lives, offering personalized responses based on user queries.

Highlights

Dating can feel difficult due to various challenges, but it's not impossible.

There's a cultural trend of being aloof to appear rare and valuable in dating.

Being aloof can make individuals invisible and similar to others playing the same game.

Being awesome and expressing oneself authentically can create more value in dating.

There's a risk of being perceived as too available when showing one's awesome side.

The principle of reciprocity suggests giving first to receive in dating.

Many people expect others to evoke their best qualities before they reciprocate.

Leadership in dating involves creating an impact and not just following.

By leading with energy, one can bring out more of who people really are.

It's important to maintain standards and not give energy to those who don't reciprocate.

People may write off potential partners when they're in a follower mode.

Being more of oneself up front can bring out more in others and increase one's attractiveness.

Vulnerability in dating is not necessarily negative; it can be a form of bravery.

Making others feel brave around you can increase the pool of people you attract.

Leading in dating can change the dynamic and bring out more in potential partners.

Matthew Hussey suggests using Matthew AI for advice on dating questions and scenarios.

Dating should not be approached with the idea that it's impossible; leadership can change outcomes.

Transcripts

why is it that dating today can feel

nearly impossible for so many people

much has been said on the topic of how

hard dating is today I am probably in

the camp of people that accepts that

there are some very challenging things

about it but I choose not to live in

this idea that it is impossible instead

I look at why it is that for so many

people it's so difficult and what we can

do to have a very different experience

of it ourselves if you're new to to this

channel I Matthew hussy the author of

the brand new New York Times bestselling

book love life and for the last 17 years

of my life I have been helping people

find the love they want while increasing

their confidence and their love for

themselves along the way don't forget to

like this video subscribe to the channel

and hit the notification Bell so that

you get notified the next time a video

comes out today is an important topic

because I believe so many of us have

been going about dating all wrong and

one of the things I think is going on

culturally for so many people right now

is that there's this kind of Race To The

Bottom in terms of effort it feels like

there's so much competition it feels

like everyone's at this Buffet online

and we all want to come across like

we're cool and in control we're not

going to make ourselves vulnerable too

quickly cuz God forbid I give more than

you do or I show you that I like you

more than you like like me for a lot of

people there's that fear of if I'm too

available if I don't look like I've got

a really busy life with things going on

all the time and I'm never really

available and you're going to have to

chase me that you're not going to be

interested and so it has us all playing

this game of who can be the most aloof

and that the grand prize of Love is

going to be given to the number one most

aloof right and that's the worst way to

make ourselves valuable is to be aloof

on some level we know that we're all

looking for something that feels rare

right we're looking for someone who's a

wonderful person to be with a wonderful

partner attractive intelligent and we

believe that to get someone's attention

someone who is like that someone who is

rare we ourselves have to be rare but

the way that we're going about being

rare is actually hurting us there are

two very very different and very

distinct camps when it comes to trying

to come across as rare there are people

who try to come across as rare by being

aloof and distant and unavailable and

there are people who show that they are

rare by being awesome and the two

different schools couldn't have more

different results in terms of what

happens if you are rare by being a aloof

and by not trying very hard and by never

showing much and always waiting for that

person to make the move or for that

person to show that they're into you

before you show you're into them for

them to try before you try by doing that

we essentially become invisible in so

many ways we become like everybody else

who is playing the same cheap game

because it's such an easy game to play

anyone can send onew message

anyone can take 6 hours or 2 days to

text someone back if that's how we're

trying to create a sense of significance

around ourselves then we are putting

ourselves in an extremely large pool of

people who are doing the exact same

thing but the people who are being rare

by being awesome and I would Define

awesome as the ability to truly Express

Yourself express your personality show a

sense of humor playful be fun be

flirtatious be curious about someone the

people who show that they are rare in

that way are actually creating value for

somebody else now I actually believe

that there is a drawback of this the

danger of bringing that really awesome

energy to someone is that it can be

mistaken for availability it can be

mistaken for us already being completely

sold on that person so they no longer

feel they have to try if they're that

kind of person that takes for granted

someone who's really great or someone

who simply feels entitled to that

greatness and that attention because

they've started getting it in other

words the kind of generosity of spirit

that we go into dating with giving

people the benefit of the doubt can be

mistaken for a kind of weakness but that

person will be corrected when they learn

that our awesomeness our greatness

whatever you want to call it is like the

sunshine and it's a sunshine that we

control and that we can point in a

different direction any time we choose

and the time we choose to is when we

realize that we are being taken for

granted when we no longer feel that

someone is really interested or invested

when we feel their inconsistency or when

we no longer feel good around them or in

their absence when that's the case they

will learn that what they perceived as

this availability that they could take

for granted this wonderful energy in

their life that they were simply

entitled to is actually like a light

switch that can get turned off now you

go from being this person with an

incredible energy to a very powerful

individual because I now realize oh my

God I thought that was just free I

thought that was just because they liked

me so much it's actually because they're

an a awesome person and I'm at risk of

losing this awesome person now I don't

want to have this idea simply live in

the abstract I want us to talk about how

valuable this is when the rubber

actually meets the road in our love

lives in interacting with people and I

want to start just by inviting you into

a particular concept that I have found

really powerful in my own life and that

is the principle of reciprocity it is

the idea that if we give first we are

much more likely to receive that same

thing from somebody else and most of us

I believe the reason that we're finding

dating so hard is because we're actually

doing the complete opposite we are doing

it backwards we are going into dating

expecting someone to evoke our

playfulness by making us comfortable

expecting someone to evoke our

vulnerability by making us feel entirely

safe before we ever speak something that

could be used against us or that we

could be made fun of for or that could

get us rejected and as a

result we're not creating the kind of

energy that would necessarily make that

person feel like they can give those

things and this is a very kind of

follower mindset when it comes to dating

we think we're keep keeping ourselves

safe we think that by waiting constantly

for somebody else to give us something

before we give it to them we think that

we're putting ourselves in a good

position but what we're actually doing

is just following we've turned ourselves

into kind of a a sheep in dating waiting

for someone else to come along and lead

with the kind of energy that we want to

have and I think what's missing from

dating today is leadership and I'm not

just talking about in men cuz it's a

cliche that you know men need to step up

and lead and I'm talking about personal

leadership for men and women the ability

to go into a room and focus on creating

an impact what a lot of people do is

they're watching the other person to see

what they do so that they can then base

their thing their move their energy on

what the other person is doing but you

can't have an impact when you're

constantly watching the other person an

impact is stepping into a room and not

saying how's everyone else being but how

do I want to be and then by being that

you invite that energy you're actually

in a place where you affect the energy

of the room you affect the energy of the

date you affect the energy of the text

exchange instead of constantly living in

a state of being affected by the energy

in the room that's following and think

about this with people in your life we

need go no further than our friends or

the people we know in life is there

someone in your life that you are more

affectionate with my guess is one of the

major reasons that you're more

affectionate with that person is that

they're affectionate with you in a way

that brings out your most affectionate

side are there people in your life that

you feel funnier around my guess is that

that's because that person brings a

sense of humor a level of laughter to

you that makes you feel like you want to

bring out your funny side it makes you

tell more jokes it makes you get more

play more silly more goofy I do a

retreat program every year and part of

the culture of my organization is that

we're Huggers We Don't Hug people who

don't want to be hugged but for the

people that are receptive we'll hug

people on the way in and there are some

people that you can tell on the way in

are a little they're

standoffish they've not been used to

that affection in their lives in general

they've not given that affection for a

long time or maybe ever you would think

that these people stay the same over the

the course of that week but actually

what happens is many of them by the time

they leave on the sixth day are racing

up to my members of staff and hugging

them and going I wasn't hugging people

at the beginning of this program and I

didn't even think I was a hugger and it

turns out I am and they're hugging

people why is that because someone came

along with an energy that brought that

out of them I don't want us to think

about this as changing people it's

about creating an energy having a level

of leadership that actually brings more

of who people really are to the table

with you and remember this is always in

the context of you having a standard

that says I'm going to bring a certain

energy a certain way about me to people

and if they can't meet me there then I'm

going to keep moving I'm not going to

keep giving energy to people who don't

reciprocate but what I'm not going to do

is go into my love life as a follower as

a sheep who is waiting for someone to

come along and Trigger that in me there

are people that are actually capable of

being many of the things that we'll be

attracted to that we simply write off

when we're in follower mode there are

people who will say I was texting this

person but they were really boring I

didn't know what to do cuz I just felt

like it was really boring they just

asked me the same questions all the time

it was always just how are you what are

you up to and I was like oh my God like

put in some more effort or say something

more interesting but in these situations

if we observe ourselves if we get really

self-aware we'll often find that we're

not creating an energy with them that

makes it more likely they'll bring that

to the table I said in a recent video

there was a line that Shakespeare wrote

of his character false staff false staff

was not just a wit but a cause of wit in

others and the reason I love that line

is because that to me is leadership is

you aren't just something you create

more of that thing in another person so

for example let's say you're texting

someone and they keep texting you boring

things like how are you how's your day

what are you up to and you're like oh

God this just doesn't feel like there's

any tension here this doesn't feel like

we're really flirting it doesn't feel

like anything's really getting off the

ground maybe instead of just writing

that person off actually say let me see

what happens if I bring more of this

Dynamic to this person so now when that

person says to you how are you instead

of answering literally which is what

many people do you do this and this is

my advice to people all the time if

someone says how are you or what you up

to don't answer

literally ask yourself what's the most

interesting thing that's happened to me

this week what's something I've been

thinking about today or in the last 3

days that is an interesting thought in

other words what are the highlights of

my brain this week or of what I'm doing

this week and when someone says how are

you I don't have to take that so

literally I have to come back with

something that's true but something that

is a highlight of my week let me give

you an example of how you might respond

to a how are you or what you up to

message with someone that you worry is

just boring you or not putting in a lot

of effort but you want to see if you

could send a bolt of electricity through

it and what that would do so you might

say I'm in a coffee shop working right

now or at least I'm I'm trying to I keep

getting distracted by pointless things

but then you say right after that you

texting me however is a welcome

distraction and all of a sudden what you

have done is just send a little bolt of

electricity through the exchange now

what they choose to do with it well

that's up to them now it's time for them

to step up if they can't do anything

with that or they don't play on that or

flirt back then you go okay maybe this

person's just not for me maybe they

can't handle that level of fun or

playfulness and therefore they're not

going to be right for me but what you'll

find in a lot of cases is people who

previously weren't doing it for another

reason maybe they're shy maybe they're

just a bit awkward as many of us are in

dating we worry about what we can and

can't say we worry about things being

misconstrued maybe someone suddenly

feels permission be more of themselves

in that way and by Leading you actually

bring that out of them that's the thing

that we have to start being prepared to

do it's leaving a date and a few hours

later saying still smiling after that

date we had or it might be the day after

the date that you had with someone where

you send someone a message and you say

had so much fun with you last night

still smiling now that's warm there's a

little vulnerability to it it's

affectionate it's kind of exciting

fighting what does someone do with that

message that will tell you what you need

to know that moment is either the red

light or the green light they give me

nothing back they kind of took for

granted my message they gave me a lame

response they gave me an entitled

response okay but by giving that energy

what we're really doing with someone is

saying hey in case you were in any doubt

I find you

attractive I had a great time how many

dates is this true of two people go on a

date they both like each other they're

both kind of feeling their way around

what's appropriate or feeling a bit

awkward about it but they actually kind

of like each other but at the end of the

day neither of them really know whether

the other one finds them attractive or

not right there was no kiss at the end

of the date it seemed like a great date

but two people are left wondering does

this person see me as a friend did they

just have a nice time with me is this a

romantic thing a day later you get that

message oh they're attracted to me okay

and now you bring a different energy

yourself so these little moments of

communication of not focusing on being

rare by being aloof but focused on being

rare by being awesome can change the

game on what somebody else brings to the

table by the way that message I just

gave you for the day after the date I

literally asked that question of Matthew

AI for everyone who's already been using

it you'll know what I'm talking about

and that was a Matthew AI generated

message from things I've said before

that I had forgotten when I heard

Matthew AI say that message I was like

oh my God I did give that message once

and I really like that message so I'm

giving it to you today it's technically

my message but it's a message that I had

long since forgotten about and then when

Matthew AI said it to me I was like

that's gold if you haven't already by

the way tried Matthew AI I urge you to

go and try it if you have a question on

your mind right now about what something

means what you should say what you

should do you can go to ask mh.com and

ask Matthew AI your question right now

it is blowing people's minds you can

literally text Matthew AI your question

you can upload your messages and ask

Matthew AI what things mean or what you

should say next you can literally call

Matthew Ai and speak your question out

loud as if you were on a phone call with

me and you will hear my my voice give

you my answer anyway back to the video

I'm sorry I am just very excited about

this right now though by the way here's

another thing I was thinking of the

other day cuz me and Audrey went to see

the new alien film and I thought what

text would be a fun text to receive if

Audrey and I were dating and she had

been to see this movie without me and I

wrote this text down let's see Audrey's

actually here right now so we'll see

what she thinks of this I just went to

see the new alien film I could have used

your big shoulders to hide in

LOL oh that's good you like it yeah

you're not just saying that really like

it that's really good I think it's

really good too so this is something

everyone can do but again how many

people out there are going oh I I would

never say that or someone would have to

make me feel really comfortable to say

that then you're following again

remember truly being vulnerable B in the

negative sense in the sense that I am

exposed and I could get hurt only occurs

if you keep giving energy to someone who

is not giving you that energy back being

more of ourselves up front more playful

more goofy a little bit more sexy a

little bit more of a wink a little bit

more flirtation a little more

complimentary or sweet or warm that's

not a dangerous level of vulnerability

it's just a little bit of bravery and by

the way if you make other people feel

Brave around you you will benefit

because you'll actually get more of

other people than they express to

everyone else so you'll actually

increase the pool of people that you're

attracted to you will be the maker of a

bigger pool of Attractive people for

yourself but more than that you will

become attractive to more people because

it's really enjoyable to be around

someone who makes you feel like a better

version of yourself if I I'm funnier

around you if I'm sexier around you if

I'm more fct tatious around you then

there's every chance that I will want to

be around you more so leave me a comment

let me know what you thought of this

video I'm excited to read them dating

does not have to be impossible but we do

have to get out of follower mode and we

have to start leading don't forget

before you leave to go to ask mh.com and

give Matthew AI a try literally think of

a question that you want to ask right

now if I was sat next to you you've just

finished this video you're like well I

want to know the answer to this now go

and ask that question to Matthew AI

right now and get ready to be blown away

because everyone I've shown this to is

blown away so ask mh.com is the link go

try it out now and thank you for

watching be well and love life and I'll

see you soon

[Music]