Matthew Hussey — Set Better Intentions and Break Unhealthy Dating Habits | Prof G Conversations

Summary

In this insightful conversation, Matthew Hussey, a renowned dating expert and New York Times bestselling author of 'Love Life: How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily No Matter What,' discusses the complexities of building long-term relationships. He emphasizes the importance of a calm and slow pace to establish trust and genuine connections, as opposed to the superficiality of modern dating. Hussey also addresses the impact of technology on dating behaviors, the challenges of loneliness, and the need for proactive measures to foster social connections. He offers advice on identifying core values and pursuing relationships that align with one's true happiness, rather than being driven by ego or superficial attraction.

Takeaways

• 💭 The importance of building trust and deep relationships through a calmer, slower pace rather than relying on superficial connections.
• 📚 Matthew Hussey's new book, 'Love Life', addresses the fundamental obstacles in finding love and the reality of life not always going as planned.
• 🤔 The book discusses internal blockages such as past traumas and familiar patterns that can hinder the development of fulfilling relationships.
• 🏠 Environmental factors like the lack of social structures as people age can make it harder to form new friendships and relationships.
• 🚪 The necessity of being proactive in creating opportunities to meet new people, as life stages progress beyond college or starting new jobs.
• 📱 The impact of technology and online dating on human behavior, making it easier to stay home and engage in superficial connections rather than deep ones.
• 🎯 The role of dopamine in addiction to phones and constant stimulation, which can interfere with building long-term, meaningful relationships.
• 👫 Online dating's impact on men and women differently, with men experiencing a 'Porsche polygamy' effect where a small percentage get most of the attention.
• 💡 The advice to be wary of transferring the importance we feel for the position we want to fill to a new person who might one day fill it.
• 🔍 The suggestion to look back at past relationships to identify what was missing that made us unhappy, and prioritize that in future relationships.
• 🚶‍♂️ The recommendation to set a clear path in life and understand personal values before entering the dating scene to avoid being swept away by superficial attractions.

Q & A

What is the main theme of Matthew Hussey's book 'Love Life'?

The main theme of 'Love Life' is to address the deeper reasons why people might struggle with dating and relationships, including the internal blockages and external factors that can impede the formation of fulfilling romantic connections.

Why did Matthew Hussey write 'Love Life' after a gap of over 10 years since his last book?

Matthew Hussey wrote 'Love Life' to provide advice on not just the strategic side of dating, but also to tackle the fundamental obstacles that people face in finding meaningful relationships, which his previous book did not cover.

What are some of the challenges Matthew Hussey identifies in building long-term relationships in the modern world?

Some challenges include the lack of social structures that force people to meet new individuals as they age, the ease of staying at home and not engaging in social activities, and the dopamine-driven culture that prioritizes instant gratification over building deeper connections.

How does Matthew Hussey view the impact of technology and online dating on modern relationships?

Hussey sees online dating as a double-edged sword; it provides the ease of meeting people without leaving home, which can be addictive, but it also makes it harder for people to have real social interactions and build meaningful relationships.

What does Matthew Hussey suggest about the role of social structures in meeting new people as we age?

Hussey suggests that as people get older, the social structures that naturally bring people together, like college or new jobs, become less prevalent, making it more difficult to meet new people and form friendships or relationships.

According to Matthew Hussey, why might people struggle to make friends as they get older?

Hussey believes that as people age, they often lack the 'forced structure' that comes with life stages like college or starting a new job, making it harder for them to meet new people and form connections.

What advice does Matthew Hussey give on avoiding unhealthy relationships?

Hussey advises people to first set their path and determine what is valuable to them before entering the dating scene. He emphasizes the importance of looking for alignment with one's values and long-term happiness over immediate attraction or ego-driven choices.

How does Matthew Hussey describe the impact of the 'Porsche polygamy effect' on online dating?

The 'Porsche polygamy effect' refers to a scenario where the top 10% of men on dating apps receive an abundance of matches, while the bottom 90% get very few, leading to frustration and a distorted dating environment.

What does Matthew Hussey suggest about the importance of not rushing into a relationship based on initial attraction?

Hussey suggests that it's crucial to look beyond initial attraction and charisma to assess whether a potential partner aligns with one's values and can contribute to a fulfilling life in the long term.

What is Matthew Hussey's perspective on the role of ego in choosing a partner?

Hussey believes that ego can drive people to choose partners based on superficial qualities or the approval of others, rather than focusing on what will genuinely bring them happiness and fulfillment.

How does Matthew Hussey address the issue of loneliness and lack of fulfilling relationships in his book?

Hussey addresses loneliness by encouraging readers to reflect on their past relationships, identify what was missing, and prioritize those missing elements in future relationships to avoid chronic loneliness and dissatisfaction.

Outlines

00:00

💭 The Challenge of Building Trust in Relationships

The speaker discusses the importance of a calmer, slower pace in building long-term relationships and trust. They highlight the difference between real friendships and superficial connections and emphasize the need for time spent together to develop genuine relationships. The conversation shifts to the author's new book, 'Love Life,' which addresses the struggles of finding meaningful relationships and overcoming internal and external obstacles, such as life structure, mindset, and past traumas. The book also tackles the reality of life's unpredictability and the feelings of loneliness and unfulfilled love lives that many people face.

05:01

🌐 Environmental Factors Contributing to Loneliness

In this paragraph, the discussion centers on the environmental factors leading to a perceived crisis of loneliness and household formation. The speaker notes that as people age, it becomes increasingly difficult to make friends due to the lack of social structures post-college or work. They suggest that the ease of staying home, facilitated by technological advancements in dating, contributes to this issue. The speaker also touches on the impact of dopamine addiction through constant stimulation from phones and social media, which hinders the development of deep, meaningful relationships that require a slower pace and trust-building.

10:01

📱 The Impact of Online Dating on Social Interaction

The speaker explores the effects of online dating on how people meet and interact. They express concern that online dating platforms encourage a dopamine-driven cycle of seeking attention and novelty, which can detract from forming real connections. The speaker notes that online dating can lead to prolonged texting without actual dates or social interaction, creating a disconnect from reality. They also discuss the disparity in online dating experiences between men and women, with men often facing a more challenging time gaining matches and women potentially being drawn to a smaller pool of top-tier men, leading to dissatisfaction and unhealthy dynamics.

15:02

🔄 The Danger of Projecting Importance onto New Relationships

The speaker delves into the psychological aspect of transferring the importance we feel for a desired relationship position onto a new person who might fill it. They discuss the tendency to become infatuated with someone as a means to escape dissatisfaction with one's current life, rather than a genuine connection with that person. The speaker advises being wary of this instinct and emphasizes the importance of understanding that initial attraction does not equate to knowing a person's character, which can only be assessed over time.

20:04

🛑 Prioritizing Personal Values in Relationships

In this paragraph, the speaker stresses the importance of setting personal values and priorities before entering the dating scene. They argue that being clear on what one values can prevent being swept away by superficial attractions and instead focus on finding a partner aligned with one's deeper values and long-term happiness. The speaker encourages reflecting on past relationships to identify missing ingredients that led to unhappiness, suggesting that these should be the top priority in future relationships.

🧘‍♂️ Seeking Happiness from Within and Avoiding Ego-Driven Choices

The speaker advises focusing on personal happiness and peace, rather than seeking validation from others or being driven by ego. They discuss the importance of identifying and pursuing feelings and experiences that genuinely improve one's quality of life. The speaker also touches on the concept of detoxing from unhealthy habits and feelings, suggesting that it may take time to appreciate new, healthier experiences. They conclude by emphasizing the need for self-reflection and intentionality in choosing partners and lifestyles that contribute to a fulfilling life.

Keywords

💡Long-term relationships

Long-term relationships refer to enduring connections between individuals that develop over time. In the video's context, these relationships require a calm and slow pace to build trust and reciprocity, which are essential for real friendships and partnerships. The speaker emphasizes the importance of time spent together and the challenges modern life poses to forming such connections, citing the lack of structured social environments as a factor that makes it harder for people to meet and build these relationships.

💡Reciprocity

Reciprocity is the mutual exchange of favors, kindness, or support. In the video, it is highlighted as a key component in building strong and lasting relationships. It suggests that both parties are equally invested in the relationship, contributing to a sense of balance and mutual respect. The speaker mentions that real friendships and relationships are built on this principle, which is often overlooked in the pursuit of instant gratification and superficial connections.

💡Mindset

Mindset refers to the established set of attitudes held by an individual. In the video, the mindset one brings to dating and relationships is discussed as a fundamental obstacle that can hinder the success of finding a partner. The author of the book 'Love Life' suggests that the way our life is structured and the mindset we approach dating with can create internal blockages that prevent us from forming meaningful connections.

💡Internal blockages

Internal blockages are the psychological barriers or emotional obstacles within an individual that can impede personal growth or the formation of relationships. The speaker in the video discusses how these blockages, including past traumas or fears, can affect one's ability to form lasting relationships. Identifying and addressing these internal issues is presented as a necessary step towards finding a fulfilling love life.

💡Loneliness

Loneliness is the feeling of sadness or lack of fulfillment due to isolation or lack of companionship. The video script discusses a perceived 'crisis of loneliness' and suggests that it has reached epidemic levels. The speaker attributes this to various factors, including the lack of social structures that facilitate meeting new people as one ages, and the tendency to stay home due to technological advancements that reduce the need for social interaction.

💡Dopamine

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter associated with feelings of pleasure and reward. In the video, the speaker mentions the role of dopamine in the context of modern dating and technology. The constant stimulation and novelty provided by smartphones and social media platforms can create an addiction that undermines the slower, more patient process of building meaningful relationships. This addiction to instant gratification can lead to superficial connections rather than deep, reliable friendships.

💡Online dating

Online dating refers to the use of digital platforms and applications to meet and connect with potential romantic partners. The video discusses the impact of online dating on how people meet and interact. It suggests that while online dating provides easy access to potential partners, it can also lead to a superficial dynamic where texting replaces actual social interaction and can result in people becoming stuck in cycles of non-progressive relationships.

💡Superficial connections

Superficial connections are shallow relationships that lack depth and emotional investment. The speaker in the video criticizes the prevalence of such connections in modern society, where people may have a wide network of acquaintances but lack close, reliable friendships. These connections often prioritize image and social status over genuine trust and support, which are essential for healthy relationships.

💡Identity Matrix

The Identity Matrix is a concept introduced by the speaker to represent the various elements that constitute an individual's identity. It is used as an exercise to help people understand and diversify the sources of their confidence and identity, beyond solely focusing on romantic relationships. By identifying and valuing different aspects of life, individuals can create a more balanced and fulfilling sense of self.

💡Ego

Ego, in the context of the video, refers to the part of the self that is driven by self-esteem and social validation. The speaker advises against letting ego dictate relationship choices, as it can lead to pursuing partners based on superficial qualities or social status rather than on deeper, more meaningful compatibility. It is important to distinguish between what truly makes us happy and what merely satisfies our ego.

Highlights

The importance of a calmer, slower pace in building trust and real friendships for long-term relationships.

The author's motivation for writing the book 'Love Life' after an 11-year gap, focusing on deeper reasons for struggles in finding love.

Addressing fundamental obstacles in dating such as life structure, mindset, and past traumas.

The reality of life not going as planned and the emotional impact of being single unexpectedly.

The crisis of loneliness and lack of household formation as a societal issue.

The difficulty of making friends as one gets older and the lack of social structures outside of work or college.

The role of technology in facilitating comfort and the path of least resistance, impacting social interaction.

The impact of dopamine addiction and constant stimulation on building long-term relationships.

The prevalence of superficial connections over deep, reliable friendships in modern society.

Online dating's role in providing dopamine hits and its impact on forming real connections.

The gender disparity in online dating experiences and the 'Porsche polygamy effect'.

The advice against transferring the importance of a needed life position to a new person too quickly.

The value of self-reflection and understanding one's own life position before seeking a partner.

The need to diversify sources of confidence and identity to create a more stable self.

Setting one's path in life before entering the dating scene to avoid being swept away by superficial attractions.

The importance of identifying and prioritizing what truly makes us happy in a relationship.

The challenge of recognizing and letting go of feelings and experiences that do not serve us well.

Matthew Hussey's background as a dating expert, confidence coach, and author of 'Love Life'.

Transcripts

long-term

relationships they require a calmer

slower Pace to actually build the trust

you know the the reciprocity the time

spent together that actually leads to

real friendships real relationships and

what I see now is that they're not

building friendships they can actually

rely

[Music]

on Matthew where does this podcast find

you at Los Angeles I'm uh in Beverly

Grove so let's talk about your new book

love life how to raise your standards

find your person and live happily no

matter what can you walk us through what

led you to write this I I I wrote this

book it's called love life um I suppose

I wrote it partly because I hadn't

written a book in over 10 years uh the

last book I wrote was about 11 years ago

and it was a very different book it was

more kind of I I suppose on some level

on the Strategic or tactical side of how

to go out there and find someone um but

this book really

addressed some of the bigger reasons why

we might struggle to do that why all the

all the advice in the world that relates

to dating can fail us when there are

just fundamental obstacles getting in

our way in either the way that our life

is structured in the mindset we bring to

it in the frankly the trauma we bring to

the table when we go out there and date

the the internal blockages the

continuing to go for what is familiar

instead of what's actually going to make

us happier and so this this book

attempts to address those while also

addressing the reality

that life doesn't always go the way that

we had hoped and it often doesn't and

people find themselves single at a time

in their lives they never assumed they

would be single never dreamt they would

still have not found kind of person or

love that they'd been looking for or

come out of a a second marriage at you

know 65 and are going oh my God what

happened you know how how am I finding

myself alone right now and and and for

the people that had never been married

and had never found that and are finding

that they've spent their whole lives

with a kind of chronic pain of

loneliness uh

anxiety uh sadness or depression around

not having a fulfilling love life so I

wrote this book to deal with hard

questions really uh and and hard things

that people go through as much as the

dream of finding what we want to find

what do you think are some of the macro

the or the environmental factors that

have resulted in it seems like there is

a crisis of loneliness a lack of

household

formation but in general it feels like

loneliness especially men but across

both genders is kind of a the lack of

better term epidemic uh levels what are

the what are the atmospherics that have

caused that and what are some of the

solutions or personal behaviors you

would

recommend so I whatever issues people

have with finding it harder to make

friends the older they get which I think

is a real issue I think that there are

certain structures that we are kind of

forced into a age you know if people go

to college then you're forced into a

social structure and you meet people and

every year after that it tends to get

harder for people I mean some for some

people it's easier especially starting a

new job is a chance at a new community

although it's still one related to your

work but it's still a chance to go if

you even work in a building anymore it's

a chance to go to a building where there

are other people there and potentially

meet people um but outside of starting

new jobs a lot of people I talk to don't

have any forced structure where they're

going to meet new people in new in this

decade of their life whether it's their

30s 40s 50s 60s and so I think

increasingly we have to have the the

proactivity and the impetus to engineer

those structures ourselves um and that's

a hard thing to do one of the things I

love that you I heard you talk about

Scott is just this idea that when you're

talking about

men they're staying at home and and

they're not in the world you know they

are they're not building the robustness

that comes from Simply stepping outside

their front door and being in teams in

groups in situations where they can meet

strangers and I think that's true for a

lot of women as well women typically

from everything I've ever seen have

empirically a much easier time staying

connected to friends and being part of

social groups with them friends than

guys do but on both sides it's so much

easier to stay home now and by the way

all the changes in dating and Tech in

dating have made that easier again cuz

at least dating used to finding love

used to be a motivator in getting out of

the house and that might be something

that forced us into situations where we

had to meet with other people but

nowadays you know you don't even have to

leave the house for that so

human behavior is always going to Trend

towards what's most comfortable what's

the path of least resistance and that's

what people are able to do in dating as

well as every other path I see these

days and dopamine I think also plays a

huge role in the problems that people

are experiencing because the addiction

that we have to our phones the addiction

that we have to constant hits of

attention or novelty and I'm I'm not

just talking about the areas where

directly social like liking getting

people to like our Instagram posts or

getting a match on Tinder even just the

dopamine cycle we're in of constant

stimulation that has nothing to do with

our social life I think is a real

problem for building relationships

because it we're just wired these days

for that kind of novelty and instant

gratification and

friendships attraction long-term

relationships they require a calmer

slower Pace to actually build the trust

the you know the the

reciprocity the time spent together that

actually leads to real friendships real

relationships and what I see now is that

people have so many superficial

connections but they're just they're not

building friendships they can actually

rely on they're building lots a network

of people they can show off to but

they're not building the relationships

that when they're having a terrible time

in life when things when the really

hits the fan and they need someone to

talk to they don't necessarily have an

abundance of those people in their lives

and a lot of the ones they do have are

unhealthy relationships they're not

supportive how has online dating

impacted um um how people meet like

what's your what's your view on online

dating and um I my sense is it's it's

impacted men and women differently what

are your thoughts hm I'd love to hear

I'd love to hear your thoughts on that I

online dating has made it easier for

people to get that dopamine hit that I

was talking about but it's made it

harder to for many people to get to the

point of actually getting to know

someone actually having any real moment

of social interaction you know the

number of people I speak to that get

locked into cycles of speaking to

someone for weeks or months where it's

just a texting Dynamic there's there's

no M you know how many people never even

get to the point of a date with someone

that they are seeing in an online

environment you know I say seeing in

quotes because the real danger I see

with so many people and I see this time

and again is we

are not present with the reality of our

actual lives and relationships

especially in our love lives we are more

concerned with the fantasy of what could

be online dating gives us

ample kind of uh fodder for those

stories without necessarily training us

to be disciplined and ruthless about

actually focusing on people that present

as real prospects and people I see

people people waste years or even

Decades of their life on those stories

and time is time is ticking the whole

time we're spending 6 months in a like

quote

situationship with someone who's not

progressing there six months you'll

never get back um so that I see that a

lot on the on the women's side I'm

curious to to know what you are seeing

on the men's side and how it presents

differently well with men

it's so women have much finer filter

than men and also there's more men on

these apps so what this all distills

down to is that a man of average

attractiveness on an app has to swipe

right 200 times to get one match and so

for men who are kind of in the bottom 90

online dating is pretty humiliating and

so you have this kind of Porsche

polygamy effect online where the top 10%

of men get an abundance of opportunity

and the bottom 90 get almost none and so

it feels like women are all kind of

pursuing the same guy and those guys who

get an abundance of attention it doesn't

incentivize them to behave well and then

the bottom 90 are just very frustrated

and upset and start you know going going

to Dark Places you you said something

that struck me in your book and I really

like this you said we have to be wary of

the instinct to transfer the importance

we feel for the position we are looking

to fill to a new person who only might

one day fill it and I was thinking

about my own personal experience with

dating and that is whenever I've become

a little too obsessed as the wrong word

because it's never taken over my life

but infatuated with someone it wasn't

about that person it was about where I

was in my life at that moment that I

wanted something that was going to take

me away and I Envision this new life

because I wasn't enjoying my current

life and the prospect of this person or

being in relationship with this person

filled that vessel that opportunity to

do something differently anyways say

more about what you meant

here well I I I love what you just said

the you know I think when we're not when

we're trying to derive our source from

something or someone else then you know

we we can't afford to lose it and and I

do think the more we find ways to create

that

Source from within or you know even just

from more diverse external sources so

that it that you know in the book I I

get people to kind of as an exercise

draw what i' call an identity Matrix of

all of the different things that make up

the identity they've constructed for

themselves and I know on a mindfulness

level that would be seen as just all

being a problem because any any kind of

identity we take from anywhere is makes

us vulnerable and and of course that's

true but that doesn't mean it isn't wise

to diversify the sources of confidence

and identity in our lives and you know

that's why for people who have hobbies

that they love or creative Endeavors

that they derive purpose from um or

careers that that they you know derive

an enormous amount of satisfaction from

or friends and family relationships they

are diversifying the sources of their

confidence um and that's a very powerful

thing now romantically there's always

going to be this incredible draw to that

square in our identity Matrix uh and you

know

for so many people I would argue

universally whatever form it comes in we

are looking for love we want that

feeling of having a mate we want that

feeling of being attractive to the

people we're trying to attract um we

want to feel fulfilled in our love lives

so that desire to find that becomes so

in some case is anxiously driven

especially when time is running out or

it feels like time is running out that's

true from on a very literal level for

everyone who's looking for a family of

their own biologically um and for women

more than men although for for men too

more than a lot of them realize that

that fear of time running out amplifies

this feeling of God I have this really

important position that I want to fill

in my life um I I'm trying to fill the

position of my life partner and we get

so obsessed with how important it is to

fill that position that the moment we go

on a date and we you see even the

faintest hope that this person could

represent a a candidate for that

position which by the way Scott normally

is not based on any deeper character

traits cuz how many of people's deeper

character traits can we really ascertain

on a 1 hour first date usually it's

based on the fact that they were

Charming or they were charismatic or

they kind of you know swept us off our

feet a little bit or you know they made

us feel really good about ourselves in

that hour or they were sexy or they had

the body shape we're attracted to we see

those things and our brain kind of

lights up and goes oh this could be it

this could be that person and all of a

sudden in this very subtle but Insidious

move all of the importance of the role

we're trying to fill suddenly gets

shifted over to this person sitting

across the dinner table from us and then

you know week in we're wondering why am

I obsessed how I'm obsessed with this

person and we you know cognitive

dissonance I think makes us tell a story

about why we're obsessed like no I'm

obsessed because I really do feel an

amazing connection with this person I I

haven't felt this in a long time and we

try to tell ourselves a rational story

about why this person we just met is

instantly so important to us but the

reality I think is one we have to

confront in order to actually let the

air out of that balloon in a healthy way

which is that I do not know this person

um all I know is their impact at this

stage I don't know their character much

as in a job interview you know I I I

don't know about you Scott I've been

humbled by you know I've always thought

I'm an incredible judge of character I

really am I'm great at judging character

and then you know I I hire someone for a

role because in the first hour I thought

this person's incredible they're going

to do wonders for our company and then 6

months later I I'm humbled by how wrong

I was it's very hard to tell and so the

the idea of oh I know this person from

this first hour is is just it's an

arrogance a lot of us have the truth is

character is consistent and consistency

can only be measured over

time we'll be right

back if you could give men and women or

maybe it's different for each a a of

kind of one or two best practices or

behavioral modifications that would

increase the likelihood they might end

up in a healthy relationship what what

are those one or two things you know I

think firstly set your path before you

go out there into dating because

otherwise you you're going to be swept

away by whatever is the shiniest thing

not by someone that's actually aligned

with your values not that someone

presents as someone who's going to make

your life better now and in the future

you know we've all seen men and women

attracted to sex appeal charm Charisma

in a violent way where that just becomes

everything to get that person and secure

that person without ever really

assessing am I really going to want the

thing that I'm working hard to get and

there are plenty of marriages that

people end up in where they find that oh

I got the

person now what does my life look like

with this person and it's like that

actually becomes a secondary question in

the equation and it should be the

primary question before all of our the

chemicals kick in that make us suddenly

run head first into a situation that

brings us an enormous amount of pain and

suffering and sometimes are very hard to

extricate ourselves from especially when

our life becomes in meshed with a person

like that so first decide what is

valuable to me and one of the ways to

decide that is to is looking

backwards most people myself included

can look at a relationship where they

overvalued the wrong thing and

undervalued the right thing and as a

result were

miserable I remember a relationship

where I was trying desperately to hold

on and to keep this situation this

person and yet it was making me

miserable and I was terrified that if I

lost it I would be in hell but the truth

is I was already in Hell by being in it

I was just telling myself that if I

could just secure it then I'll be okay

I'll be happy and and it I was missing

something

fundamental you know teamwork loyalty a

a trust a feeling that I mattered a

feeling that I was seen um that there

was equal investment on both sides I

didn't have them those things and so I

was an anxious wreck in that

relationship I was like a version of me

that I look back on now and I cringe I'm

like oh my God that was that really

brought out the worst in me in every way

so when we Look Backwards we can often

see a relationship where we were told

ourselves it was important to us and yet

we were missing something crucial and by

missing that crucial thing it became

hell if we remember those situations and

the thing that the ingredient we were

missing that made

miserable well it stands to reason that

that ingredient should be the number one

priority going forward and yes we still

want attraction yes we still want some

chemistry yes we still want some of

those things that light us up but

importantly if we find those things but

we don't have that ingredient we don't

bother because we know when we had all

those things last time around but we

didn't have that

ingredient we could not find a way to be

happy we were just in constant suffering

and we should not wish that on our

future selves so that's uh one big

important thing I do think we have to

look practically at the areas where our

ego is maybe driving us too much instead

of our happiness you know often we want

the person who we can bring to our

friends and family and everyone's going

to Pat us on the back and celebrate us

and tell us we did great but usually

that's based on a lot of superficial

things or you know the way that person

walks in and charms everyone it's often

not based on the deeper things that make

us really happy so I think we really

have to tune into what's going to make

me happy and what's going to bring me

peace what's going to bring me calm

what's going to bring me a better life

not who do I bring to my friends and

family and everyone says you did great

or we show a picture and everyone's like

ah good job buddy like those are that's

us being driven by ego so I think we

have to be very careful if we're being

driven by what egoic satisfies us or

what actually makes us happier happy on

a deeper level and also look for areas

where you're addicted to a certain

feeling that you keep telling yourself

is happiness or you keep telling

yourself is like the Great Stuff went

romantically when actually it's just

it's just a feeling you've become

addicted to over time and you can find

examples of this in different places in

your life I remember the realization

that when I was late to things I kept

asking I kept I would get annoyed at

myself when I would show up late and I

would go why am I late like there was no

reason for me to be late today why am I

late to this thing and part of it I

realized was oh I'm addicted to the

feeling of rushing somewhere like

there's something adrenaline seeking

about leaving a too late and then having

to get there on time and all the that

frantic energy is something that I was

used to I was used to chaos in my life

so I would even if I was on time

unconsciously I would always find a way

to engineer needing to then Rush at the

last minute and so it took me away from

calm because calm to me presented as

kind of

boring getting somewhere 5 minutes early

and and then just sitting with my

thoughts

that was a that was like boring and

uncomfortable whereas rushing to get

there was adrenaline and so you can

apply that to any relationship in your

life and so I would I would invite

people I don't think this is an easy

process it's certainly not a simple

process or even an intuitive process but

I would invite people into the process

of looking at feelings you keep chasing

that really don't serve you jump you

know going on Instagram and scrolling

for a few minutes will give you a

feeling but it 99 times out of a 100

nothing about visiting Instagram is

going to serve you um so what's the

feeling we're chasing and do we need to

start chasing feelings and experiences

that create a better quality of life for

us and that that's a harder question and

it might take us some time to even calm

our nervous system down from the

feelings we're used to uh I mean if you

take a drug addict and you know the day

they quit you sit them in front of a

Sunset and ask them to appr appreciate a

sunset that's going to be a difficult

moment for them to take in the beauty of

a sunset but you know months or or or or

or years later they may truly have the

ability to sit there and go wow this is

amazing I just but my body needed to you

know physiologically there needed to be

a a a period of kind of detoxing from

that Old experience in order to truly

appreciate a new one and so for some

people the answer might be stop dating

for a while and detox from that some for

some people it might be have some have a

real sit with yourself and start to

write down what do I value now and let

me let me be wary that the old feeling

is still going to be exciting to me and

I'm still going to feel the drug of that

and that's the dangerous part and I have

to respect the drug I have to respect

what it does to me but I have to train

my focus to the to the kinds of people

and relationships that make my life

better not worse Matthew hessy is a

leading dating expert and confidence

coach he's also a podcast host and the

New York Times bestselling author of

love life how to raise your standards

find your person and live happily no

matter what he joins us from his home in

Los Angeles Matthew I enjoyed the

conversation and good luck with the book

thank you Scott I uh I really appreciate

it and I appreciate the conversation I I

hope you'll come join us on ours

sometime

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