The coin of the realm: give people what they want

Summary

Dr. Orion terban discusses the parable of 'The Coin of Caesar' from his book 'The Value of Others' to illustrate how men and women can improve relationships by understanding and fulfilling each other's desires, or 'coins'. He explains that men and women have different currencies of value and should pay each other in the currency the other desires, such as affection and attention for women, and physical attraction for men. Terban emphasizes the importance of giving what the other party wants for successful relationships, drawing parallels to the material world's power dynamics.

Takeaways

• 📖 The book 'The Value of Others' by Dr. Orion terban is introduced, which uses parables to explore psychological concepts.
• 🪙 The parable of 'The Coin of Caesar' is discussed, illustrating the idea of giving what is expected in relationships.
• 👫 The concept of 'men's coins' and 'women's coins' is introduced to explain the different desires of men and women in relationships.
• 💸 Men are advised to give women what they want (their 'coin'), and vice versa for women to give men what they want.
• 🚫 The script warns against rationalizing stinginess in relationships, comparing it to refusing to pay taxes.
• 🤝 The importance of reciprocity in relationships is emphasized, suggesting that one should not expect to dictate the terms of exchange.
• 📱 An example of miscommunication in texting is given to illustrate the concept of not paying in the other's 'currency'.
• 👙 The script discusses the idea that men may want physical attraction (like nudes) while women may want emotional connection.
• 💔 The belief of 'overpaying' in a relationship can lead to dissatisfaction and conflict.
• 🌐 The message encourages respecting individual values but also adapting to the 'currency' accepted in the social or relational 'marketplace'.

Q & A

What is the main topic of Dr. Orion terban's talk?

The main topic of Dr. Orion terban's talk is the interpretation of the parable 'The Coin of Caesar' and its application to intersexual dynamics and relationships.

What is the book 'The Value of Others' about?

The book 'The Value of Others' is about Dr. Orion terban's economic model of relationships, explaining the behavior of both men and women in the context of mating and dating, and providing actionable advice on how to get and keep more of what one wants in the sexual marketplace.

What does the parable 'The Coin of Caesar' illustrate?

The parable 'The Coin of Caesar' illustrates the concept of giving what is due or owed, where Jesus tells the Pharisees to 'Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and unto God what is God's,' suggesting that one should fulfill their obligations to both the state (Caesar) and to their spiritual beliefs (God).

How does Dr. Orion terban relate the parable to intersexual dynamics?

Dr. Orion terban relates the parable to intersexual dynamics by suggesting that men should give women what women want (women's coin) and women should give men what men want (men's coin) to have happy and fulfilling relationships.

What does Dr. Orion terban mean by 'men's coin' and 'women's coin'?

By 'men's coin' and 'women's coin,' Dr. Orion terban refers to the different things that men and women respectively value and desire in a relationship, which they want to be 'paid' or reciprocated in kind.

Why do men send unsolicited explicit pictures to women, according to the talk?

Men send unsolicited explicit pictures because they want to receive explicit pictures from women in return, thinking that what they desire is also valuable currency for women, which is not the case.

What is the common mistake women make when flirting via text, as discussed in the talk?

The common mistake women make when flirting via text is sending mundane updates about their day, thinking that men value these updates as a form of connection and affection, which is not typically what men desire.

What does Dr. Orion terban suggest is the root of most relationship dysfunction?

The root of most relationship dysfunction, according to Dr. Orion terban, is the belief that one is 'overpaying' or giving without receiving what they desire in return.

How does Dr. Orion terban suggest resolving relationship dissatisfaction?

Dr. Orion terban suggests resolving relationship dissatisfaction by giving the other party what they want, aligning one's actions with the desires and expectations of their partner.

What does Dr. Orion terban advise for those who have moral or religious objections to certain behaviors in relationships?

Dr. Orion terban advises that those with moral or religious objections should not have to engage in behaviors that conflict with their beliefs, but they should also not dictate the currency of what the other person is willing to accept.

What is the importance of paying in the 'proper currency' in relationships, as discussed in the talk?

Paying in the 'proper currency' in relationships is important because it ensures that both parties' needs and desires are met, leading to more satisfying and harmonious relationships.

Outlines

00:00

📖 The Coin of Caesar: Understanding Intersexual Dynamics

Dr. Orion terban introduces the concept of 'The Coin of Caesar' from his book 'The Value of Others'. He explains the parable of Jesus and the Pharisees regarding the payment of taxes, using it as a metaphor for intersexual dynamics. He suggests that men and women have different desires, like different currencies, and they should pay each other in the currency that the other values. He emphasizes the importance of understanding and fulfilling the desires of the opposite sex for more fulfilling relationships. Dr. terban also discusses the common reasons why people might not pay in the 'right currency', such as not having what the other wants or believing they shouldn't have to pay.

05:00

💌 Texting Behaviors: Currency in the Sexual Marketplace

In this paragraph, Dr. terban discusses the different texting behaviors of men and women as an example of how people often fail to communicate effectively in relationships. Men often send unsolicited explicit images, thinking it's valuable, while women send trivial updates, seeking emotional connection. Dr. terban points out that these are not the currencies that the opposite sex values, leading to misunderstandings. He advises that to have successful relationships, one must understand and provide what the other party desires. He also addresses the issue of people not wanting to give what the other party wants, often due to personal values or beliefs.

10:01

💔 Relationship Dysfunction: The Belief of Overpaying

Dr. Orion terban explores the root of relationship dysfunction, which often stems from one party feeling they are overpaying or not receiving what they desire in return. He advises that to avoid this, one should give the other party what they want, aligning one's actions with the desires of the other. He acknowledges that some people may have religious or moral objections to certain behaviors, but clarifies that one cannot impose their values on others. Dr. terban suggests that those with specific values should seek relationships within communities that accept their 'currency'. He concludes by encouraging listeners to reflect on their own experiences and share the episode with others who might benefit.

Keywords

💡parable

A parable is a simple story used to illustrate a moral or spiritual lesson. In the context of the video, the 'coin of Caesar' is a parable from the Bible used to explain the concept of giving what is due in a relationship. The video suggests that men and women have different 'currencies' or desires in relationships, and fulfilling the other's desires (paying in their 'currency') is key to a successful relationship.

💡Caesar's coin

Refers to the coin that bears the image of Caesar, used in the parable to symbolize that which belongs to Caesar, or in a broader sense, that which is due to a particular party. In the video, Dr. Orion terban uses this term to suggest that men and women should give each other what they desire or value in a relationship, akin to paying taxes with Caesar's coin.

💡Render unto Caesar

This phrase comes from the Bible and is used in the video to mean giving what is due or owed. In the context of relationships, it implies that each party should provide what the other party wants or values, ensuring a balanced and fulfilling dynamic.

💡Pharisees

The Pharisees were a group of Jews in the Bible known for their strict interpretation of the law. In the video, they represent those who resist giving what is due, using various rationalizations. This is paralleled to people in relationships who may not want to give what their partner desires.

💡currency

In the video, 'currency' is used metaphorically to represent what each gender desires in a relationship. Men's currency and women's currency are the things that men and women respectively value and wish to receive from their partners. The video emphasizes the importance of 'paying' in the correct currency to foster a healthy relationship.

💡sexual marketplace

This term refers to the social environment where individuals interact and form relationships based on sexual attraction and compatibility. The video discusses how understanding and fulfilling desires in this 'marketplace' can lead to more successful relationships.

💡economic model of relationships

Dr. Orion terban introduces an economic model to explain relationships, suggesting that they operate on principles similar to economic transactions, where each party seeks to give and receive value. This model is used to analyze and advise on how to achieve more satisfying relationships.

💡texting behaviors

The video uses the example of texting behaviors to illustrate how men and women may not be 'paying' in each other's currency. Men sending unsolicited explicit photos (dickpics) and women sharing mundane details of their day are cited as examples of not understanding or meeting the other's desires.

💡nudes

The term 'nudes' is used in the video to represent a form of currency that men often desire in relationships. It is suggested that women sending nudes can be a way of 'paying' men in their desired currency, although the video also acknowledges the complexity and potential objections to this advice.

💡values

Values are principles or standards of behavior. The video addresses the conflict that can arise when an individual's values conflict with the 'currency' that their partner desires. It suggests that while one should not violate their values, they also cannot expect to dictate the terms of exchange in a relationship.

💡overpaying

In the video, 'overpaying' refers to the feeling of giving more in a relationship than one receives. This sense of imbalance is identified as a root cause of dissatisfaction and conflict within relationships. The video advises giving what the other party desires to avoid this feeling.

Highlights

The book 'The Value of Others' is introduced with two parables, the prologue and the epilogue.

The epilogue's parable, 'The Coin of Caesar', is discussed as a metaphor for understanding intersexual dynamics.

The parable illustrates Jesus's response to the Pharisees about paying taxes, suggesting a principle of fairness and reciprocity.

The concept of 'men's coins' and 'women's coins' is introduced to explain what each gender desires in a relationship.

Men should pay women in 'women's currency' and vice versa for fulfilling relationships.

The importance of giving the other party what they want is emphasized for successful relationships.

The issue of one party not having what the other wants is discussed as a common barrier to relationship satisfaction.

Arguments against paying in the desired currency are compared to tax evasion, highlighting the irrationality of such behaviors.

The speaker suggests that refusing to pay in the accepted currency can lead to relationship dysfunction.

The book offers actionable advice on how to navigate the 'sexual marketplace' effectively.

An example of texting behaviors is used to illustrate the concept of paying in the wrong currency.

Men sending unsolicited explicit pictures is contrasted with women's desire for affectionate communication.

The speaker argues that understanding and catering to the other's desires is crucial for a satisfying relationship.

The concept of 'overpaying' in a relationship leads to dissatisfaction and various negative outcomes.

The speaker addresses the objection of moral or religious values conflicting with the advice given.

The importance of respecting the other party's currency in a relationship is reiterated.

The speaker invites feedback and discussion on the topic, encouraging sharing the episode with others.

Information on how to join the author's newsletter and book consultations is provided.

Transcripts

I'm Dr Orion terban and this is psyx

Better Living Through psychology and the

topic of today's short talk is the coin

of The Realm by now many of you have had

a chance to check out my book the value

of others for those of you who have

thank you for taking a chance on it as

you know the book is um

bookended by two Parables the prologue

and the epilogue since a number of

people have recently asked me about the

story in the epilogue I thought I would

discuss it with you today now I'm not

going to give everything to you on a

silver platter after all what would be

the point in using a parable if I did

that the beauty of Parables is that they

can mean many things that they possess

depths of comprehensibility that can be

true on multiple levels

simultaneously today I'm going to offer

one possible interpretation of that

Parable that might help illuminate some

of the contents of the book it's not the

highest interpretation but it's a useful

interpretation

nonetheless so the parable at the end of

the book is called the coin of Caesar

which describes an episode from the life

of Jesus a group of Pharisees approach

Jesus in the marketplace and they start

complaining to him about the necessity

of paying taxes isn't it unfair isn't it

unjust we shouldn't have to suffer this

indignity is it not a form of idol

worship Etc now Jesus doesn't go in for

any of this thinking and he asks the

group how do you pay your taxes and they

answer him with this coin and Jesus says

let me see the coin when they hand it to

him he asks who face is on this coin the

Pharisees answer Caesars so Jesus

replies this is Caesar's coin Render

unto Caesar what is Caesar's and unto

God what is Gods so that's the Parable

and as I mentioned there's a lot of

different ways we could interpret it

however in the context of intersexual

Dynamics I think it provides a lesson on

how men and women can have more happy

and fulfilling relationships with each

other namely Render unto Caesar what is

Caesar's there are certain things that

men want we can call those men's coins

you can even imagine that they have

pictures of men on them that's what men

want

they want to be paid in their currency

on the other hand there are certain

things that women want we can call those

women's coins you can even imagine that

they have pictures of women on them

that's what women want they want to be

paid in their currency men need to pay

women in women's currency and women need

to pay men in men's

currency and this doesn't often happen

and it often doesn't happen for a

variety of reasons most commonly it

doesn't happen because at least one

party doesn't have what the other party

wants men don't have or don't have

enough of what women want and women

don't have or don't have enough of what

men want and you have to first have

something before you can give it to

somebody else so that's the first reason

men need to cultivate more of what women

want and vice

versa now it can happen that one party

does in fact have what the other party

wants however this can still cause

problems if this person believes that he

or she shouldn't have to

pay these people are Pharisees in the

market place and they have all kinds of

different arguments to rationalize their

stinginess I shouldn't have to pay

that's degrading and beneath me I should

be able to pay in my own way what I pay

should be enough if you really loved me

you wouldn't make me pay it's greedy and

abusive that you expect payment etc etc

etc all of these arguments are

like can you imagine if someone tried to

use those arguments in a court of law if

they were hauled in for the non-payment

of income tax your honor I shouldn't

have to pay taxes it's degrading and I

believe I should be an exception in any

case you ask too much if I did have to

pay I think I should only pay this much

and I should be able to pay in other

ways besides money wouldn't you think

that just being in my presence is enough

of a payment

if the government really cared about me

it wouldn't make me pay taxes don't be

mean and greedy and

selfish that would never work the

material world runs on Power and value

and there is nothing wrong with

circulating the currency of the material

world in your dealings with it Render

unto Caesar what is Caesars if anything

you will run into trouble if for

whatever reason you refuse to circul

the currency of the material world in

your dealings with it and it is for

Caesar not you to decide when he would

like to be paid and how he would like to

be paid and how much he would like to be

paid and he gets to decide those things

not because he's better or more virtuous

or more enlightened he gets to decide

those things because he is more powerful

it is what it

is if you were appreciate the insights

on this channel I would highly encourage

you to get your hands on a copy of my

book the value of others over the course

of 432 pages I delve deep into my

economic model of relationships and

explain the behavior of both men and

women in the game of mating and dating I

also provide a lot of actionable advice

on how to get and keep more of what you

want in the sexual Marketplace once you

read the value of others you'll never

look at relationships the same way again

now available in ebook audiobook and

paperback formats the links are in the

description to have successful

relationships men need to give women

what women want and women need to give

men what men want let's make this more

concrete with a simple but very

commonplace example namely the texting

behaviors of men and women I actually

spoke about this a bit in my first

discussion with James ston on soft white

underbelly there are big differences in

how men and women use texts to flirt how

do men flirt over text they send women

dickpics most women do not want dickpics

so why are men sending these texts

because men want nudes from women they

think this is the coin I want so it must

be a valuable coin so will give

something of value to get something of

value but my dudes these texts are not

women's coin they do not have pictures

of women on them that is not the

currency in which they want to be

paid on the other hand how do women

flirt they send pictures of the most

innan and irrelevant here's the

sandwich I ate for lunch here's a cloud

that looks like a peanut here's a

picture of my shoes men couldn't care l

about any of that so why are women

sending men these texts because women

want affection from men they want him to

think of her when she's not around and

to share the Little moments of his life

with her and to stay connected with her

they think this is the coin I want so it

must be a valuable coin so I will give

something a value to get something of

value but my ladies these texts are not

men's coin they do not have pictures of

men on them these are not the currency

in which men want to be

paid if you want your relationship to be

smooth and satisfying pay the other

person in their currency men give your

women affection sometimes I hear men

complain that their women left them from

for some broke loser like how do you

make sense of that o is she just crazy

and irrational doesn't that mean your

economic model is

maybe or maybe I don't know he was able

to engage her emotions and cultivate a

connection with her while they were

relying on attraction proxies like money

to do that for them pay women in their

coin on the other hand women send your

men

nudes sometimes I hear women complain

that men only seem to want them for sex

isn't that toxic and unhealthy shouldn't

he want to know and care about her hopes

and dreams and personalities maybe or

maybe I don't know he's a man and he

wants to look at titties that seems

pretty normal and healthy to me if he's

a straight man he's going to want to

look at titties looking at titties is

probably going to be the best thing that

happens to him today and given the

unprecedented availability of titties in

the Modern Age we can also pretty much

assume that he's going to be looking at

titties today the only question ladies

is do you want them to be your titties

do you want to be the best part of his

day today or do you want some other

woman to play that role in his life the

choice is yours but I guarantee titties

are going to be on the menu one way or

the other pay men in their

coin now men often dislike offering

women that kind of affection but they'll

do it especially if you tell them that

it works however women have all kinds of

reasons why they shouldn't have to send

nudes and they often won't do it even if

it will get them what they want so let's

briefly discuss what might be the most

reasonable objection to this piece of

advice namely this goes against my

values Orion I have a legitimate

religious or moral exception to that

kind of behavior and I would like that

to be

respected now if that's the case I would

respond absolutely that is your right

you don't have to do anything that

violates your religious or moral

sensibilities that said you also can't

reasonably expect to therefore dictate

what currency the other person should be

willing to accept as that would be

tantamount to imposing your religion or

morality on others very likely you will

need to contract your relationships in

those circumscribed locations that

accept your localized currency

like if you want commitment to precede

sex then you probably need to date in

your church or your mosque because that

is where that currency is accepted but

that is not the coin of the realm you

can't walk into French Laundry and try

to pay for your dinner with Disney

dollars or a hug and a smile that's not

going to work if you want to enjoy a

dinner at French Laundry you have to

give French Laundry what French Laundry

wants which is

USD complaining that they don't accept

rubles or bushels of apples or American

Express is irrelevant that's not for you

to decide it's for the other party to

decide how they want to be

paid so what happens when men and women

don't pay each other in the proper

currency at the heart of pretty much all

relationship dysfunction is a single

belief and that belief which exists in

at least at least one of the party's

Minds is that I am

overpaying I am giving and giving and

giving and I'm not getting what I want

in return and this belief gives rise to

all the different kinds of expressions

of dissatisfaction emotional withdrawal

resentfulness disparagement conflict

infidelity etc etc it's not complicated

if you want to have smooth satisfying

relationships give the other party what

they want

men should not give women what men want

to receive men need to give women what

women want to receive women should not

give men what women want to receive

women need to give men what men want to

receive this is functionally how we do

business with each other and it is good

and appropriate to do this Render unto

Caesar what is

Caesar's what do you think does this fit

with your own experience let me know in

the comments below and please send this

episode to someone who you think might

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