It's a Choice
Summary
TLDRIn this reflective video, the speaker discusses the concept that emotions like anger and depression are choices, albeit not always easy ones. They use sports analogies to illustrate that while it's theoretically possible to control these feelings, it often requires practice and effort. The speaker acknowledges that in extreme situations, these emotions might feel inevitable, but in everyday life, recognizing them as choices can be empowering. They also touch on the idea that anger often masks deeper emotions like fear or sadness, suggesting that self-awareness and emotional management are crucial for personal growth.
Takeaways
- 🤔 Anger and depression are often perceived as choices, though they don't feel like it due to external circumstances.
- 👐 The concept of 'choice' can be misleading as it oversimplifies the complexity and effort required to change one's emotional state.
- 🏋️♂️ Overcoming negative emotions is not an instantaneous process but requires consistent effort and practice.
- ⚽️ The analogy of scoring a difficult goal in sports illustrates that while it may be challenging, it's theoretically possible with enough practice.
- 🧠 Remembering that emotions are a choice can be empowering, but it's also crucial to acknowledge the difficulty of making such a choice in certain situations.
- 😢 It's important to differentiate between situations where the emotional response is almost inevitable, like the death of a child, and those where it's more a matter of personal choice, like losing a job.
- 🧘♂️ The speaker shares a personal experience of choosing to meditate to overcome anger, highlighting the active role we play in our emotional responses.
- 🤯 The speaker acknowledges that sometimes we make the 'wrong' emotional choice due to lack of training or willpower, indicating a need for self-improvement.
- 🚗 The discussion on anger suggests that it's often a surface-level emotion that can mask deeper feelings like fear or sadness.
- 🤝 The script touches on the idea that anger can be a defense mechanism, protecting us from more vulnerable emotions, drawing parallels to narcissistic behavior.
- 🐌 The speaker humorously interjects personal anecdotes, like accidentally killing snails and a conflict with a dog, to lighten the mood and add relatable elements to the discussion.
Q & A
What is the main theme discussed in the transcript?
-The main theme discussed in the transcript revolves around the idea that emotions such as anger and depression are choices, and how acknowledging this can be both challenging and empowering.
Why does the speaker say that anger and depression being choices can be contentious?
-The speaker acknowledges that it can be contentious because it might seem to imply that people choose to feel these negative emotions, disregarding the external circumstances that contribute to them.
How does the speaker describe the process of choosing not to be angry or depressed?
-The speaker describes it as not an instantaneous choice but a concerted effort that often requires long-term practice and mental training.
What sports analogy does the speaker use to illustrate the concept of emotional choice?
-The speaker uses the analogy of scoring a difficult free kick in football, explaining that while it's theoretically possible for anyone to do it, it requires a lot of practice and skill.
What does the speaker mean when they say emotions are 'choices' in the context of losing a job?
-In the context of losing a job, the speaker suggests that while it's natural to feel upset, the extent of one's reaction and the ability to move on is a choice that requires mental fortitude and resilience.
Why does the speaker say that reminding oneself that emotions are a choice can be useful?
-The speaker believes it can be useful because it shifts the focus from external circumstances to personal control, which can empower individuals to manage their emotional responses more effectively.
What does the speaker suggest about the nature of anger as compared to other emotions?
-The speaker suggests that anger is often a surface-level emotion that can be a substitute or a way of avoiding deeper emotions like fear, sadness, or humiliation.
How does the speaker relate anger to the concept of ego?
-The speaker relates anger to the ego by suggesting that egoic responses, including anger, are often a defense mechanism to protect oneself from vulnerability or feelings of being threatened.
What personal realization does the speaker share about their own experiences with anxiety?
-The speaker shares that they realized their anxiety was a choice and by accepting this, they were able to take control and reduce its impact on their life.
What advice does the speaker give for dealing with anger?
-The speaker advises practicing self-control and mental training to deal with anger, similar to how one would train for a physical task like scoring a free kick.
How does the speaker's encounter with a dog reflect their discussion on emotions?
-The speaker's encounter with a dog that dislikes them serves as a metaphor for how past experiences can trigger strong emotional reactions, and the need to manage those reactions through choice and self-control.
Outlines
🤔 Understanding Emotional Choices
The speaker begins by contemplating the idea that emotions like anger and depression are choices, acknowledging that this notion might seem controversial because emotions often feel imposed by external circumstances. They clarify that the term 'choice' might be misleading, as it suggests an easy, instant switch from negative to positive feelings, which is not the case. The process is more about a deliberate effort and practice over time. Using the analogy of scoring a difficult goal in sports, they explain that while it might be improbable for an average person, it's theoretically possible with enough practice. The speaker emphasizes that emotions are ultimately within one's control, even if choosing a different emotional response can be very challenging.
😢 The Nuances of Emotional Responses
In the second paragraph, the speaker delves deeper into the concept by discussing extreme emotional situations, such as the death of a child, where the idea of choice seems absurd. They contrast this with less innate situations like job loss or divorce, where the choice of emotional response might be more applicable, though still very difficult. The speaker shares personal experiences of struggling with anger and the conscious decision to meditate as a counteraction, only to be overcome by the intensity of the emotion. They reflect on the idea that emotional responses can be trained like a muscle, and it's important to hold oneself accountable for making better emotional choices, even when it's hard.
🤯 Decoding the Complexity of Anger
The third paragraph focuses on the complexity of anger, suggesting it's often not a singular emotion but a mix of fear, humiliation, and other feelings. The speaker uses the example of road rage to illustrate how anger can encompass various emotional reactions to a single event. They propose that anger is sometimes a surface-level emotion that masks deeper feelings and can act as a defense mechanism, especially for those with narcissistic tendencies. The speaker also touches on the idea that most people have elements of narcissism to varying degrees and that it's a trait rather than a defining characteristic.
🐌 Encounters with a Hostile Canine
In this paragraph, the speaker humorously recounts an encounter with a hostile dog in their neighborhood, which has created a tense relationship every time they cross paths. The story serves as a light-hearted break from the heavier emotional topics discussed earlier. The speaker describes the dog's size and behavior, and how a past conflict has led to ongoing animosity. This anecdote provides a relatable and amusing interlude in the script.
🌟 Personal Growth and Emotional Management
The final paragraph circles back to the theme of emotional choice, with the speaker sharing their personal journey with anxiety. They reflect on how they realized that their anxious feelings were, to some extent, within their control. The speaker admits that while it's not easy to change emotional responses, the acceptance of this fact was a turning point in managing their anxiety. They also mention a recent bout with depression due to family news, indicating that while they've made progress, they still face emotional challenges. The speaker concludes by emphasizing the importance of working on emotional management, especially with anger, which is a current focus for them.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Choice
💡Anger
💡Depression
💡Circumstance
💡Effort
💡Control
💡Anxiety
💡Emotion
💡Binary Choice
💡Mental Training
💡Ego
Highlights
Emphasizing that anger and depression are choices, though not always easy or instantaneous.
Acknowledging that external circumstances can make it seem like emotions are inflicted, not chosen.
Clarifying that the concept of 'choice' can be misleading due to the effort and practice required to change emotional states.
Drawing an analogy between emotional control and the skill of scoring in sports, such as basketball or football.
Discussing the unrealistic expectation to instantly overcome strong emotions like the death of a child.
Arguing that for less innate emotional responses, like getting fired, it can be useful to remember that our reactions are a choice.
Describing the process of changing emotional responses as similar to training a muscle.
Sharing a personal anecdote about choosing to meditate despite feeling angry and the struggle to make that choice.
Exploring the idea that anger is often a surface-level emotion that masks deeper feelings.
Suggesting that anger can be a substitute for deeper emotions like fear, sadness, or humiliation.
Discussing how the ego uses anger as a defense mechanism to protect from vulnerability.
Musing on the idea that narcissism might be a spectrum of traits rather than a distinct category of people.
Sharing a personal encounter with a hostile dog and the impact it has had on the speaker's routine.
Reflecting on the realization that anxiety is a choice and how that understanding improved the speaker's mental state.
Noting the difficulty of managing anger due to its instantaneous nature compared to the slower emotions like depression.
Encouraging self-reflection and the importance of expecting better emotional control from oneself.
Sharing a Reddit comment that suggests breaking down anger into its constituent emotions for better management.
Concluding thoughts on the ongoing personal journey of emotional management and the importance of self-reminders.
Transcripts
hey guys so uh I'm in the process
of kind of reminding myself I guess that
anger and
depression are choices uh you know you
kind of choose to feel that way and that
can sound like a sort of contentious
statement like that you choose to feel
that way
because um a lot of the time it feels
like it's in flicted on you through
circumstance and in a sense it
is uh that's true and the word choice
can be misleading because it makes it
sound like like it's easy like you can
just snap your fingers and and feel okay
and feel better that's all there is to
I'm going to have so many [ __ ] bites
on me if I stay here um they're all over
me man so
uh yeah it feels it makes it feel like
it's you know something that's it makes
it sound like it's something that's so
easy uh like you can just choose to like
not be annoyed you can just choose to
not be depressed you can just choose to
be happy
and it's not like a simple binary yes or
no instantaneous Choice like that it's
not that
easy
it's uh concerted effort most of the
time and often like over a long period
of time it's not a
thing that you can just do and it's also
something that takes practice but it's
still a choice ultimately like it's
still exists purely within the realm of
your control uh I think it's a bit like
for example you imagine like making a
really difficult
shot in like say like basketball for
example like I don't know anything about
basketball but on the other side of the
court all the way down the one end
and you you know like trying to
like [ __ ] what do you even call it in
basketball score hoop trying to uh
whatever it is um let's go with football
take an amazing free kick right to to
score a free kick Loop the ball over the
wall
and uh
score a a perfectly placed
accurate and Powerful free kick um
that's like I've got so lost in the in
the uh in the weeds of these analogies
but basically like that's something that
you you essentially can't do right like
if you if you tried to do that like most
normal people you can't do that you
can't score like a a sort of you know
David Beckham mask free kick um but but
if you're awarded the free kick then
only you can no one else can and
theoretically you can it's not that you
can't do it it's that like being
realistic most probably you don't have
the ability to right now or it would
take a lot of work or you're not really
mentally prepared to do it or you don't
have the confidence to do
it uh
but essentially like in theory you can
you could do that if you took that free
kick a million
times one of those million times you
might just score an absolute belter so
it is within your capabilities to do it
um but it would be unreasonable for
someone to go just [ __ ] score the
free kick you know stop being a dick
score the free kick
because it would be so difficult for you
but it's still possible you can still
score the free kick
um and if it's you who's awarded it no
one else can do it for you you know so
the only person who can do it is you and
this act exists purely within the realm
of of what you do or don't end up doing
and ultimately that comes down to
choice so in the same sense like if
something horrific happens to you um
uh how you feel about that is a choice
but it might be an almost impossible
Choice it might be a choice where the
99.99999% probability is you're going to
feel a certain way about that
um and
so from that point of
view in effect it's it's it's not really
a choice but it's still really useful to
remember at other times that it is a
choice I know it sounds like I'm talking
complete [ __ ] here but uh just bear with
me like um you
know let's say uh you have a kid and
your kid dies right there's no point
someone telling you it's a choice you
know you don't need to feel upset like
you'd want to kill them it would just be
such a pointless and stupid thing to say
at that moment and it wouldn't really be
a choice in that moment you know unless
you're like a psych path if your kid
dies you're going to feel
terrible
um but let's say you get fired for
example right that's less of an innate
thing um and for most people getting
fired is a disaster obviously losing a
job is horrible and it's something
that's deserving of like sympathy or
going through a divorce for example uh
you know very traumatic and stressful
thing for most people but in a situation
like that it can be useful to remember
that it's a choice and even then it's an
a very difficult choice I mean you'd
have to be immensely well sort of
mentally trained and developed to get
fired
and just like not care uh divorce might
you might be happy about getting
divorced to be fair a lot people [ __ ]
love getting divorced um but you know I
don't think people enjoy the proceedings
but I think enjoy the the end result but
yeah I mean getting fired you know for
example from a job you care about and
that you depend on it would be very hard
to just to just not care but it's not
it's not impossible it's not impossible
in the way that it would be to to not
care about you know for example like
your child dying or
something um and it's like a muscle that
can be exercised it's like a thing that
can be trained like free kicks or
throwing a basketball whatever you call
it
um and
uh
it's it's good to remember that it's
important to remember that I
think it's not a nice thing to remind
people of you know it's not it's not
depending on the context you know it's
not really a it can be a sort of
insulting thing to say to somebody in
many contexts but it can be a very
useful thing to say to
yourself uh
like ultimately it's a choice and
sometimes I have that fa when I'm like
really angry or depressed and I think
like this is a choice and then I think
well it's not cuz I'm still angry it is
a choice I'm choosing to be and
sometimes I'm I'm wedded to that like I
I want to I mean it's not just a choice
it's like I mean it's like an active
choice you know like like the other day
yesterday I was I was really um sort of
angry and stressed
out and I was like right I'm going to
meditate and I sat down I put the timer
on and within like a minute I was like
this [ __ ] bastard [ __ ] what is
this [ __ ] person thing they I started
like seeing with rage and I was like
[ __ ] this I'm not meditating I'm going
to go and [ __ ] do something I can't
[ __ ] sit here and so in that moment I
was really making a choice
like that really was a choice and
probably not even that difficult of a
choice just a a you know a choice in
which I would was I was too weak willed
to make the better choice I wasn't well
trained enough I wasn't
well I wasn't experienced enough in that
situation and I just wasn't I just I
just didn't I just made the wrong choice
I made the choice in that moment
to to go and you know fester and
whatever and to be angry um so in that
situation yeah it wasn't even that
wasn't even like you know an against the
odds free kick that was like like a
Sunday League free
kick against you know like a fat
goalkeeper who's hung over and I just
looked at the ball and I was like nah
and I just picked it up and [ __ ] ran
off you know uh had a
tantrum that's
uh that that really is a choice so I
guess what I'm saying is technically you
know theoretically it's always a Choice
some cases it's not really I think it's
it's unrealistic to uh to expect people
to just overcome their
emotions in an instant regardless of the
weight of
them but I think it's fair in situations
like I was in you know when I went to
meditate to expect better from myself to
expect yeah just to expect better just
to expect you know myself to say hey I I
should probably for the sake of being
like better to be around and just being
a more functioning person I should
probably like persevere with this it's a
10-minute meditation and I should the
whole point of it is to you know be less
angry
so if I just get up angrily I'm I'm
really defeating the purpose of it and I
think I can expect or I should expect
that level of
uh of commitment for myself um
so I'm thinking out loud here partially
because because
uh
it's it's an important thing to remember
you know for
myself um yeah what else yeah I saw I
saw a good uh comment on Reddit the
other day about anger um
and it
was about how you know you should split
it into different emotions cuz it's it's
rarely just anger it's usually a lot of
things at once and I found that to be
very helpful as well uh like for example
the example this commenter gave was if
someone like Cuts you off in traffic not
that I would [ __ ] know so I've got my
license um I dream of the day someone
cuts me off in traffic if someone cuts
you off in
traffic you go into a rage right and
like
you just think like this [ __ ] person
cut me off well probably not it's
probably one this is the examples this
person I don't remember exactly I'm
paraphrasing but one is like you know
you're actually very scared you're
scared for your life you're scared that
this person could have killed you you're
angry that they were just being reckless
in general you're also angry they were
being Reckless around you specifically
you're also angry that they drove off
and you didn't get to say anything and
you know perhaps you're sort of hurt and
sad by the possibility of what could
happen and what might happen to somebody
else and and you know there's a lot of
different emotions there it's not just
like oh some prick cut me off I'm
furious like there's there's there's a
lot of different emotions and a lot of
time when you are angry yeah like a lot
of the time there's a lot of
Shame and
fear and uh I think anger and
humiliation are closely linked and
obviously anger is quite like an egoic
emotion so for me that's a big part of
it a lot of the time I feel um I feel
uh diminished you know by situations or
people or people's actions I feel kind
of like I feel uh yeah diminished or
sort of threatened by them and and um
and ultimately like kind of bad about
myself uh but it's much easier to be
angry it's quick is more readily
available and it diverts attention away
from what's really sort of deeply
hurting you because I don't think most
of the time unless you've been a victim
of something particularly infuriating I
don't think most of the time anger is a
very deep emotion I think it's quite a
surface level emotion it's one that we
sort of grab for you know
um I think uh deeper
emotions I think like fear can be a
deeper emotion than anger and I think
sadness
um you know and sort of longing and
things like that they they can
be they usually are I think deeper
emotions than anger and I think anger
can be a a substitute for those
things
um or a way of avoiding thinking about
or feeling them because a lot of things
that we do with
our uh egos a lot of the things our egos
do rather I should say lot of our egoic
responses to things are a way of
protecting us from things we don't want
to think about or feel or acknowledge
you see it a lot if you ever deal with a
a very narcissistic person and you point
out maybe an inconsistency in their
behavior
or you know some sort of wrongdoing on
their part and and the moment they don't
have a response for it or they they they
they're forced almost forced to confront
this immediately they lash out in in
Fury
um it's a very common reaction because
their ego is in like hyperdrive so it's
it's really trying to protect them from
something
and I think it's trying to protect
protect them from some feeling of some
very strong feeling of like fragility
that's kind of like a an oxymoron but
like a a pungent powerful feeling of not
even you kind it's not a powerful
feeling of fragility is it an a feeling
of fragility let's just leave it there
um it's trying to protect them from that
uh because I think usually at some point
when they were being sort of formed
emotionally a a lot of the time anyway I
think some people are just dicks but a
lot of the time they were in some way
made to feel extremely vulnerable or
challenged or threatened and or over
repeated you know long period of time
repeated incidents and it just becomes a
defense mechanism
to to go into sort of narcissism and
anger and lashing
out um
and I think all of us have that in us to
some degree it's not a thing that only
they do it's just more pronounced I
don't even to be honest I don't really
believe in the idea of like a narcissist
and a non- narcissist because most of us
are pretty [ __ ] narcissistic like
especially these days Jesus but I think
always really like people are you know
almost all of us I'd say are like
surprisingly self- involved at times not
always not in every respect but but but
um all you know is yourself you know all
you really know is yourself it's hard
not to think a lot about yourself of
course that changes when you have like
family members you care about kids and
stuff but but still even then you know
people aren't always angels in in their
sort of family lives and
uh I think most the traits that you know
when we say someone is a narcissist or
someone else is not a narcissist like we
all kind of have those traits to varying
degrees and even amongst people who
would
qualify uh you know being diagnosed as
being um
narcissists
like there's a huge Spectrum even within
that I mean you know I just I think I
guess I think that this binary
interpretation of it this very literal
sort of binary interpretation of it I
think is kind of wrong I think it's like
a a trait I don't think it's a a person
I don't think you can say a person is
that
as a noun well it can be a noun but a
noun of a a trait that they possess
rather than a noun of you know who and
what they are in its entirety but anyway
jeez I've killed like so many snails
just now I can't I'm not trying to oh my
good okay now these are actually shells
of something I did stand on a bunch of
snails back there on my bike the other
day as well when it's raining they all
cross the road I was on my bike and I
was like what are these [ __ ] noises
is this glass going in my tires or
something and then I realized I just
killed about 10 snails on the way up the
path cuz for some reason they all cross
the road when it's when it's raining
um yeah so
uh yeah that's all
really
um I'm I'm keeping half an hour on my
surroundings here cuz there's this dog
in this area that not in dog that
frequents this area with its owner who
doesn't just walk around by itself it's
not vagrant um that [ __ ] hates me I
had an argument with itona once and it's
like a biggest dog I've ever seen it's
one of those like livestock dogs it's
like those um I forget what they're
called those like Turkish ones I think
they're Turkish there no an Italian
Shepherd it I thought it was one of
those apparently not um but it is huge
like absolutely huge and I had an
argument with his owner once and this
dog it's not only the size of an
elephant but it has the memory of one
and just like every time it sees me it
goes berserk je always has it on a
really loose collar and you know when
someone's like trying to hold their dog
back and you see the collars like out
here I'm just like Jesus Christ man this
dog could kill me like I would rather
fight like a a fighting dog than a huge
one you know like like I wouldn't want
to fight any of them but I would fancy
my chances more even against like a you
know a quite tough Pitbull than like one
of these massive ones I just wouldn't
know what to do um I guess they're not
that agile you know they don't have the
best balance you could use that to your
advantage but I just feel like if it
just got on me like it pounced on me oh
man it's big it's like a bear like it's
literally like a b and it just it's sort
of ruined this area for me cuz every
time it sees me it's like here whenever
I'm [ __ ] here and it goes mental um
from like far away you know like it's
crazy anyway yeah
yeah that's all really I've been
uh just thinking about this stuff
um and uh still trying
to to work on it because I can say all
of this in a video and then and then
suddenly I just find myself like
consumed by these
feelings and I realized it with anxiety
a long time ago I realized
like it was it was a it was a very eye
opening experience for me a very eye
openening change I guess or I don't know
whatever when I when I sort of realized
you know I was I the probably my like
most of my 20s uh from probably
like 16 to like 26 or whatever probably
not coincidentally the times when I was
like smoking the most weed but I don't
think it's just that cuz I know a lot of
people who were very similar who didn't
smoke weed but that period was really
defined by anxiety for me like very
intense
anxiety sometimes verging on
panic
and uh at a certain point I realized
whoops sorry I got [ __ ] annoying
notification there um at a certain point
I realized like
that that it was it was a choice perhaps
it was a choice is is the wrong wording
it's almost inflamm
um because there were factors that made
it you know very difficult not to feel
that way but but I realized it was in my
hands I guess uh and that doesn't mean
it's easy doesn't mean it was easy but
but when I realized that when I learned
that and I guess the most important
thing is when I accepted that when I
stopped blaming the world for how I felt
I can blame the world for the world I
can blame people for their actions I can
blame you know people when they do
something wrong but but my feelings are
sort of my responsibility for the most
part and when I realize that with
regards to anxiety like that was the
beginning of it really getting a lot
better and I wouldn't really say anxiety
is a big part of my life anymore um it
is mostly mostly like anger really um
depression isn't a big thing for me
either it has been like the last few
days cuz you know had some bad news
using the family and stuff and and
that's been
um giving me that feeling again you know
where it's like hard to do anything it's
hard
to to to motivate yourself to just get
through the day it's hard to move
sometimes hard to even like wake up your
brain you know sometimes and when you're
depressed about something but but it's
not a thing I'm afflicted by all the
time in normal
circumstances um and nor is anxiety they
both used to be so
now it's a case of of doing that with
anger
um the problem is with it being as I
mentioned earlier such an
instantaneously available emotion and
such a kind of Rapid Fire emotion it
doesn't give you much time to think uh
when you're depressed you have all the
time in the world to think you know
you're you're lying down in bed and
you're depressed and you you have this
time and space to think about it
and the same with anxiety usually it's
like Goring away at you all day so you
can talk to yourself which was a really
useful thing for me for like talking to
myself in my head
um and Talking it through anger you
don't get as much opportunity to do that
but you can do it before and
after and yeah that's what I
uh that's what I need to
do uh more I think so yeah thanks for
watching guys
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