"Weekend at Herpes" – Nikki Glaser - Full Special

Summary

In her stand-up routine, Nikki Glaser humorously addresses the challenges of aging, being called 'ma'am', and her complicated relationship with her body and dating life. She candidly discusses her experiences with sobriety, sex, and the absurdities of modern romance, using self-deprecating humor to poke fun at societal expectations and her own personal struggles.

Takeaways

• 😅 Nikki Glaser humorously addresses aging and being called 'ma'am', expressing her discomfort with the term due to her recent 25th birthday.
• 😂 She recounts a Starbucks experience where she was called 'ma'am' and playfully describes her internal reaction and the interaction.
• 😓 Glaser jokes about her financial situation, sharing anecdotes about being so broke she window-shopped at CVS and wished for pregnancy to avoid buying tampons.
• 🤔 She touches on the biological urge for motherhood at 28 but acknowledges her unpreparedness due to financial instability.
• 😅 The comedian pokes fun at her dating life, including changing the spelling of her name based on her boyfriends and the creative freedom in those relationships.
• 😆 Glaser candidly discusses her views on pro-life sentiments, highlighting the influence of her hometown and her personal stance on the matter.
• 😳 She describes her experience with sober sex, expressing her preference for the freedom and lack of inhibitions when drinking, and the challenges of intimate encounters without alcohol.
• 😏 The script includes Glaser's commentary on sexual activities, using humor to address various sexual positions and her personal preferences.
• 😐 Glaser humorously discusses her struggles with body image, particularly regarding grooming and the challenges of maintaining a certain appearance.
• 😓 She shares her difficulties with masturbation and the awkwardness of finding sexual satisfaction without a partner, using self-deprecating humor to connect with the audience.
• 😅 The comedian ends with reflections on the act of sex itself, humorously describing the transformation men undergo during climax and the absurdity of human reproduction.

Q & A

How does Nikki Glaser feel about being called 'ma'am'?

Nikki Glaser expresses her dislike for being called 'ma'am', stating that she finds it rude and that it's only slightly more polite than being called a derogatory term.

What did Nikki Glaser change her Starbucks drink name to as a joke?

In response to being called 'ma'am', Nikki Glaser playfully changed her Starbucks drink name to 'Dickie', which the barista mistakenly thought was 'Dickie' and wrote on the cup.

Why did Nikki Glaser change the spelling of her name to N-I-C-K-Y while dating a guy named Nick?

Nikki Glaser changed the spelling of her name to N-I-C-K-Y as a playful gesture while she was dating a guy named Nick.

How does Nikki Glaser describe her financial situation during a particular period?

Nikki Glaser describes a time when she was very broke, to the extent that she was window-shopping at CVS and couldn't afford to buy tampons.

What is Nikki Glaser's stance on being pro-life as mentioned in her comedy routine?

Nikki Glaser humorously discusses her stance on being pro-life, stating that she is 'pro-my-life' and that having a baby would disrupt her current lifestyle.

Why does Nikki Glaser say she avoids eye contact with homeless men?

Nikki Glaser jokes that she avoids eye contact with homeless men because she believes in love at first sight and doesn't want to risk falling in love with them.

What does Nikki Glaser say about her experience with phone sex?

Nikki Glaser admits to being bad at phone sex, stating that she struggles to be creative and often just states facts or lays there during the act.

How does Nikki Glaser feel about performing sexual acts like giving blow jobs?

Nikki Glaser expresses anxiety about performing sexual acts like blow jobs due to her self-consciousness about her teeth and the fear of not being good at it.

What does Nikki Glaser say about her grooming habits?

Nikki Glaser discusses her grooming habits, including her attempts at shaving and waxing, and how she has had mishaps with both, leading to her current laissez-faire attitude towards it.

Why does Nikki Glaser mention John Mayer in her routine?

Nikki Glaser uses John Mayer as an example of someone she finds attractive for her personal fantasies, as she appreciates his looks and uses his music videos as a form of 'porn' for her.

How does Nikki Glaser describe her experience with sober sex?

Nikki Glaser hasn't had sober sex yet but anticipates it being different from her past experiences, which were often fueled by alcohol. She expresses concern about being conscious during sex and finding the act of sex itself to be strange.

Outlines

00:00

😅 Age and Identity Struggles

Nikki Glaser opens her comedy set with humor about aging, expressing her discomfort with being called 'ma'am' at Starbucks, feeling it's rude and demeaning. She playfully discusses her recent 25th birthday and the societal and biological pressures on women to have children. Nikki also shares her financial struggles, including receiving emails from Bank of America about her poor financial status, despite not being her bank, and her humorous take on window-shopping at CVS, where she jokes about hoping to be pregnant to justify buying expensive tampons.

05:05

😉 Single Life and Romantic Aspirations

Nikki Glaser humorously addresses her single life, admitting to occasional desires for a boyfriend, especially during challenging tasks like moving. She uses a tree branch incident to illustrate her longing for romance and physical contact. Nikki also pokes fun at her own sexual history, including a period of promiscuity fueled by alcohol, and her current struggle with sober sex, which she finds less enjoyable and more awkward. Her段子 includes reflections on the differences between comfortable sex with a partner and the challenges of first-time sober sex.

10:06

😳 Sexual Humor and Personal Experiences

Nikki Glaser delves into her experiences and insecurities about sex, using self-deprecating humor to discuss her perceived inadequacies and anxieties. She talks about the physical exertion and awkwardness of being on top during sex, the discomfort of different sexual positions, and her personal preference for passivity. Nikki also shares a humorous anecdote about a sexual encounter where she was asked to change positions, leading to a discussion about the effort and expectations in sexual activities.

15:09

😬 Intimate Grooming and Awkward Encounters

Nikki Glaser discusses her experiences and opinions on personal grooming, particularly regarding intimate areas. She humorously describes her attempts at various grooming methods, including shaving and waxing, and the mishaps that occurred, such as burning herself with microwavable wax. Nikki also shares her reluctance to wax due to cost and past negative experiences, leading to a preference for trimming. She uses humor to address the awkwardness of these situations and the societal expectations around female grooming.

20:09

😅 Sexual Exploration and Fantasies

Nikki Glaser addresses the topic of masturbation with humor and honesty, admitting her lack of skill and the challenges she faces in finding satisfying self-pleasure. She discusses her attempts to fantasize, including using music videos and thinking about attractive men, but also the guilt and inappropriateness that can arise from such fantasies. Nikki's段子 touches on the awkwardness of sexual encounters and the contrast between the tenderness before and after sex and the animalistic behavior during the act.

25:11

😆 Final Thoughts on Human Origin and Comedy

In her closing remarks, Nikki Glaser humorously reflects on the origins of humanity, suggesting that all humans are here because of a primal sexual act. She uses this idea to bring a comedic twist to the concept of human existence, thanking the audience for their attention and wrapping up her set with a light-hearted jab at the seriousness of human origins.

Keywords

💡ma'am

The term 'ma'am' is a formal or polite way to address a woman, often used when the speaker does not know the woman's name. In the script, Nikki Glaser expresses her discomfort with being called 'ma'am' because she feels it implies she is older than she actually is, highlighting the theme of age and societal expectations. She humorously recounts an incident at Starbucks where she was called 'ma'am' and her internal struggle with the称呼, illustrating her point that it feels rude and demeaning to her.

💡age

Age is a central theme in the script, as Nikki Glaser discusses her feelings about turning 28 and the societal and biological pressures that come with it. She uses humor to explore the idea that women of a certain age are expected to settle down and have children, as evidenced by her joke about her body telling her to 'have a baby.' This keyword is a significant part of the narrative, as it sets the stage for many of her observations and jokes.

💡pro-life

The concept of being 'pro-life' is mentioned in the script when Nikki Glaser talks about her upbringing in Missouri and the prevalence of pro-life sentiments there. She uses humor to critique the idea, suggesting that while she is 'pro-life,' she is more specifically 'pro-my-life,' indicating that a baby would disrupt her current lifestyle. This keyword is used to explore themes of personal freedom and the complexities surrounding the abortion debate.

💡single

The state of being 'single' is a recurring topic in the script, as Nikki Glaser discusses her relationship status and the desire for companionship. She humorously contrasts her single life with the idea of having a boyfriend, using self-deprecating humor to comment on her lack of romantic involvement. The keyword 'single' is used to explore themes of independence, societal expectations, and the search for love.

💡sexuality

Sexuality is a prominent theme in the script, with Nikki Glaser discussing various aspects of her sex life and experiences, including her lack of recent sexual activity, her thoughts on different sexual positions, and her views on masturbation. The keyword 'sexuality' is used to delve into the complexities and humor of human sexual behavior, as well as to challenge and poke fun at societal norms and expectations around sex.

💡self-deprecation

Self-deprecation is a key comedic technique used by Nikki Glaser throughout the script. She frequently makes jokes at her own expense, discussing her age, her financial situation, and her sexual experiences in a way that downplays her own importance or success. This keyword is central to her comedic style, as it allows her to connect with the audience through vulnerability and humor.

💡body image

Body image is a theme touched upon in the script, particularly when Nikki Glaser talks about her physical appearance and how it relates to her experiences with dating and sex. She uses humor to discuss societal pressures on women to look a certain way, as well as her own struggles with body image, such as her comment about her 'twin bed' and the implications it has for her love life.

💡sobriety

Sobriety is mentioned in the context of Nikki Glaser's sex life, as she notes that she hasn't had sex in a while because she quit drinking. The keyword 'sobriety' is used to explore the changes in her approach to relationships and intimacy, as well as the challenges of navigating sexual experiences without the influence of alcohol.

💡femininity

Femininity is a concept that runs throughout the script, as Nikki Glaser discusses her experiences as a woman, including societal expectations, her relationship with her body, and her views on sex and romance. The keyword 'femininity' is used to examine the cultural norms and pressures that shape women's lives, as well as to challenge and critique those norms through humor.

💡humor

Humor is the central tool used by Nikki Glaser in the script to discuss serious and sometimes sensitive topics. She uses jokes and comedic storytelling to address issues related to age, sexuality, body image, and relationships. The keyword 'humor' is essential to the script, as it allows her to engage with the audience in a way that is both entertaining and thought-provoking.

💡personal anecdotes

Personal anecdotes are a key part of Nikki Glaser's storytelling in the script. She shares various experiences from her life, such as her interactions at Starbucks, her thoughts on abortion billboards, and her experiences with sex and dating. These personal stories serve to illustrate her points and make her humor relatable, as the keyword 'personal anecdotes' shows the audience a glimpse into her life and perspective.

Highlights

Nikki Glaser's humorous take on being called 'ma'am' and her reaction to the term.

Her account of a Starbucks experience where she was addressed as 'ma'am' and her witty comeback.

Glaser's commentary on the passive-aggressive nature of Starbucks' name writing.

Her playful renaming of herself depending on her dating partners, showcasing her creativity and humor.

The comic's reflection on turning 28 and the societal and biological pressures to have a baby.

Glaser's joke about her financial situation and the humorous letters from Bank of America.

Her self-deprecating humor about being 'broke' and window-shopping at CVS for tampons.

A joke about Glaser's thoughts on pregnancy and her humorous take on abortion.

Her take on the pro-life billboards in Missouri and their impact on her thoughts about abortion.

Glaser's discussion about being single and her humorous take on the desire for a boyfriend.

Her story about a tree branch incident and the unexpected romantic longing it stirred.

The comic's joke about Ecstasy and an unfortunate encounter with a tree at an outdoor music festival.

Glaser's commentary on public displays of affection (PDA) and her humorous jealousy.

Her belief in love at first sight and the lengths she takes to avoid it, including not looking homeless men in the eyes.

The comic's discussion on her sexual experiences, including her humorous take on phone sex with Verizon.

Glaser's humorous take on her lack of sexual prowess and her honest confessions about her sexual encounters.

Her commentary on the awkwardness of sober sex and the pressure to perform.

The comic's humorous take on the male sexual experience, including the transformation during climax.

Glaser's closing thoughts on the absurdity of human reproduction and the origins of all the people in the audience.

Transcripts

♪

(audience cheering)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

Nikki Glaser!

♪

Hello! How are you?

(cheering)

Wow!

(audience members whooping)

I, uh...

I got called "ma'am" today...

which I don't appreciate.

I'm not ma'am yet. Don't call me...

I just turned 25 in June of 2009,

and that's how I'm saying it.

(laughter)

(laughs): Choosing to say it.

It happened at Starbucks. She was, like,

"Ma'am, can I get your name for your drink? Ma'am? Ma'am?"

I turned around, like, where's the deaf old bitch?

I was like...

(laughter)

And then she was, like, "No, ma'am, you."

I was, like, "Does she want to fight? Uh..."

'Cause "ma'am" is rude. "Ma'am" is...

On the spectrum of things to call a woman,

"ma'am" is, like, slightly under (bleep).

I think it's just a little bit nicer

than (bleep).

Not much, either. She could have been, like,

"Hey (bleep), can I get your name?"

I would have been, like,

"You can just write (bleep) on the cup. That's fun."

(laughter)

I'll know it's me.

Even though you'll probably spell it wrong. Um...

(laughter)

They, uh, the name thing there,

they are always passive-aggressive.

The other day, same scenario.

"Ma'am, can I get your name?" I was, like, "Nikki."

She was, like, "Dickie?" She starts writing "Dickie."

Real committed to "Dickie."

Everyone around me was, like, "Dickie?"

I was, like, "Yeah, it's Dickie.

"It's, uh, well, it's short for Dick-ole,

but she can call me "Dickie."

(scattered applause)

Dickie.

My name is... Nikki.

There's a bunch of different ways to spell it.

I, um, I choose N-I-K-K-I. But I change it.

I was dating a guy named Nick

for a while-- I changed it to N-I-C-K-Y.

I dated a black guy for a while-- changed it

to N-I-Q-U-E-$.

I felt that that was fun.

It's creative. Thank you. Yeah.

We had a good time.

Then we broke up, and so I changed it to N-I-K-K-K-I.

I didn't want to do it.

It's not like I'm proud of that.

I'm just stating... facts.

I was hurt, I was hurt.

I'm not... I'm not racist. That's not it.

I'm actually one of these people,

like, I hate the "N" word...

who lives in my building; I think he's a jerk, but...

I don't have a problem with anyone else.

So...

I'm 28.

It's a weird age. It's the age, uh, as a woman,

when your body just starts to tell you to have a baby.

My body's just, like, "Have a baby."

My bank account's, like, "Don't you even (bleep) think about it.

(laughter)

"Have you seen us?

It's real sad in here."

Like, "Have you been drinking?"

Bank of America, uh, they e-mail me a lot

just to let me know things aren't going good.

They're not even my bank, so I think that that's kind of rude.

(quietly): Oh, no...

Things are getting better slowly.

Last year was the brokest I've ever been.

I was at a point where I was window-shopping at CVS.

Has anyone been there?

Oh, treating yourself to a trip down aisle six?

Just staring down a box of Tampax Pearls?

(laughter)

Tell myself, "Someday...

you're gonna treat yourself like a lady."

(laughter)

Tampons ain't cheap.

That is a true story.

I remember looking at the price and being, like,

(splutters) I hope I'm pregnant, and I walked out.

(laughter)

It's crazy.

I don't want to be pregnant.

No, I am not old enough or mature enough

to handle an abortion.

(laughter)

I just think that I would...

giggle the whole time, you know?

Um... I'm just kidding.

I would never... I would definitely do it.

I just, um... well, if I get one more, I get one free,

so I want to fill out my punch card

before they change the rewards program.

I hate when they do that-- or is that...

frozen yogurt? I get them confused.

(laughter)

Guys, I'm kid... I'm totally...

I'm pro-life. Um, I'm just pro-my-life,

and a baby would really (bleep) that up for me right now, so...

(applause)

I'm, like, having fun.

Oh, thank you.

I, uh, I come from Missouri,

where there are a lot of pro-lifers.

Um, they have a lot of billboards.

I was driving across the state recently.

One, out of nowhere, was just, like:

"Thinking about abortion?"

I was, like, "N-No, but now I am. Thanks a lot."

'Cause what better way to pass the time

on a long road trip...

than to just daydream about abortion?

You're in Kansas City before you know it.

It was very jarring-- I was, like, what the...?

And then, "Thinking of Abortion?"

The next one was: "Consider Adoption."

I'm, like, why would I want some stranger's baby

if I'm gonna get rid of my own? Like, what are they...

trying to complicate my life?

(sighs) 28's the age.

I got to get my shit together.

It's, uh... that's also what I say when I have diarrhea.

But that's a really disgusting joke that shows you where I am,

(laughter, scattered applause)

maturity-wise.

Yeah, I'm right... I'm right about at that joke.

It's, uh, I'm, uh...

I'm single, which, I've always been single.

I was born that way, and, uh...

it suits me, I'm fine with it.

Most of the time, I'm okay, and then there are times

it's, like, oh, I want a boyfriend.

Like, I just moved, and the whole time, I'm, like,

it would be nice to, like, have a man to, like, (bleep)

during this. Um...

(laughter)

I got the boxes. I just want to have sex again.

I'm missing romance, I realized.

It hit me in the weirdest place.

I was walking down the street the other day,

and a tree branch just slapped me in the face,

like, really hard.

It was, like, embar... I was, like, "Whoa!"

But at some point in the "slappage"

it just slowly brushed the hair behind my ear.

(laughter)

(soft panting)

And I (bleep) twice.

(laughter)

So I think that maybe...

(applause)

...I shouldn't do Ecstasy

at that outdoor music festival this summer.

I think I'm gonna take that off the docket.

'Cause I just (bleep) a tree.

(laughter)

That's where I'm at.

I get jealous of, like, couples who PDA, you know?

I saw this guy giving his girlfriend

like, a piggyback ride down the street,

which is a little over the top, but there was just something,

I was just, like, I want that!

and then he sat her back down in her wheelchair,

and I was, like, maybe I don't need that,

like, right now... it's good for them, but...

Maybe after I take up horseback riding.

Uh... for now.

I believe in love at first sight.

Like, I feel like that's how it's gonna happen.

Like, so much so that I stopped

looking homeless men in the eyes.

I don't want to risk it anymore, 'cause when you find it...

(laughs): I was thinking,

I do want a boyfriend, because I miss comfortable sex.

You know, where you just don't give a shit, you know?

You can just say weird stuff,

like stuff you really want in bed.

Like... (sultry): "Hey, can you find my phone?"

Like, stuff you're really thinking about?

(laughter)

Yeah.

You don't have to care what you look like,

you don't have to wear makeup; hairy legs.

I can be on my period and be, like, "Whoops, I forgot."

Like, make it sexy and fun.

That's why you got him black bedsheets

for his birthday, you know?

And they weren't easy to find.

Extra-long twin.

(laughter)

Um... yeah, I know, guys.

That's-that's gross.

Um...

A 30-year-old with a twin bed. It's disgusting.

(laughter)

Thanks for...

laughing at that.

I know that, uh, female comics, sometimes, people are, like,

"All they talk about's their periods."

And I'm on mine right now, so I'll (bleep) do what I want!

I'm just kidding.

(laughter)

I'm not.

I'm just kidding.

(laughs)

I, uh... I haven't had sex in a really long time,

'cause I quit drinking, so, that's kind of...

(laughter)

...how that works.

Oh, my God.

Have you had sober sex... with someone for the first time?

That is... I don't think it's poss...

I think... I hear you have to be in love, or get raped.

I think those are the two scenarios.

(laughter)

I'm sorry.

And I lock up at night,

so, I'm never gonna find the one, you know?

When I drank, I was an active slut.

It was great.

My number was...

(man whoops)

Yeah. I don't like...

Oh, my number, um... my number can drive,

um, a rental car, so, that's, uh...

(laughter)

...different in every state.

Uh...

God... I don't remember any of the sex I had.

It was all blackout.

You know, if you can't remember it, did it happen?

I don't think so.

I think I'm the only virgin with HPV then.

(laughter)

I think that's what that means.

So, that's exciting.

Thank you. Thank you.

I don't know...

I don't know why I'm eager to have sex again,

'cause I don't think I'm good at it.

I recently had to have phone sex,

uh, to talk down my Verizon bill, and, um...

(laughter)

Do what you got to do.

And I'm not good at it.

I'm, uh... 'cause you have to, like, be creative in the moment.

It comes out of nowhere. Like, "Talk dirty."

And I'm, like, "I have a vagina."

Just, like, stating facts.

(laughter)

He's, like, "What are you doing?"

I'm, like, "I'm just laying here. Bye."

And that's all I did. 'Cause that's all I did.

That's all I do.

I just lay back and get it.

(laughter)

Girls, you can kind of just lay there, can't you?

Have you...

Being on bottom, it's-it's the tops down there.

(laughter)

It's awesome.

It's enough that you're there most of the time.

It's great.

I treat it like a massage.

I recommend it.

(laughter)

And yes, they'll... sometimes

they'll ask you to participate, and you should.

You know, if he bought you dinner at Chili's or something,

uh, you should wiggle, you know.

That two-for-$20-- that'll get you, but, um...

(laughter)

That's...

That's embarrassing.

I remember once, this guy was giving me

a really good rogering, and at some point...

(laughter)

Yeah, I'm bringing that back.

Sounds classy, right?

(British accent): "Good rogering."

(laughter)

It sounds like he courted me or something.

(laughter)

He didn't.

Sounds like I knew his name.

(laughter)

And it, uh... wasn't Roger.

Uh, it was Phil, but saying, "He gave me a good Philling"

doesn't have quite the connotation that I'd like, so...

(laughter)

"Rogering" sounds nice, 'cause that's the thing.

Girls-- we can't be, like, "I got (bleep)."

We have to, like, come up with, like, euphemisms,

my least favorite of which is, uh, "fooled around."

Let's stop saying that.

My friend, the other day was, like,

"Josh and I-- we just fooled around."

I'm, like, "Ugh!"

What did he, like, get your nose?

Did you guys, like, get in a tickle fight?

Did he pull a quarter out of your vagina at some point?

(laughter)

Oh, he did, okay.

Well, then, that's fooling around.

There you have it.

Oh, God.

Yeah, I was getting a good rogering from this fellow,

and in the middle of it, he, uh...

I remember, he was, like, "Hey, will you get on top?"

And I was, like, "What?" Like, he woke me up.

I'm, like... (muttering groggily)

(laughter)

(whiny): I don't want to go to school.

(laughter)

(whimpering)

(laughs)

That's the wor...

Being on top-- have you been up there?

(laughter)

Ugh!

I give it up to you guys for being up there most of the time.

I had no...

I didn't sign up for a spinning class

when I agreed to (bleep) you.

(laughter)

Why is it so exhausting up there?

My legs go numb, I'm wheezing.

There's a lot of sweat. It's not...

I finally get why you sweat all over us.

That's always perplexed me.

It seems like a lot of sweat for two and a half minutes,

or whatever's going on up there.

But I'm on board. I'll support you now.

I'll sponsor you.

What is it-- the change in elevation or something?

(laughter)

It's awful up there.

I keep Clif Bars on the nightstand now.

I don't like it.

I'm so lazy.

I just...

Oh, I give up, up there, after a couple seconds.

(laughter)

If I'm up there, he's already given up.

(laughter)

So then we just look at each other, like, "Now what?"

And that's when you break out the old side sex.

Have you done that?

Where you just... It's the laziest...

(groaning)

Just so gross.

(laughter, scattered applause)

It's... it's... how you finish.

It definitely is.

No effort involved.

You always pat yourself on the back afterwards,

in the post-sex rap.

Like, "What was that last thing we did?

"That was wild.

We should contact Kama Sutra and let them know."

"Oh, you mean, the two dead cows on the side of the road?"

(laughter)

"That old classic?"

Sex is so weird.

And it's, like...

it's the easiest of everything.

For a while, I was, like, "I'll keep my number down

if I don't have sex."

I'll just do everything except sex.

All but sex. All... butt sex.

And that's all I did for about a month.

(laughter)

Don't recommend it. Um...

No, it's the other stuff that stresses me out.

Like, um, like, blow jobs, uh, cause me a lot of anxiety.

'Cause I hear complaints.

Not, like, about me, but in general.

Like, I hear about,

like, too much teeth.

Like, I read on Yelp that you guys, um...

(laughter)

Like, the teeth thing.

Like, you don't like that we have teeth,

and we're working on it.

(laughter)

Science is on it.

I quit flossing recently.

My dentist recommended it, um, after I blew him.

And so...

(laughter)

Here's the thing.

I have always had big teeth.

It's probably the reason I'm a comedian.

Before I got braces, I had buck teeth.

And in middle school, people used to be, like,

"Glaser, you're a beaver." And I'd be like, "A vagina?"

And they were like, "What? No, the gross animal in the...

Why are you excited about being a vagina?"

It's like, "I'm just psyched someone's talking to me."

And then I'd go cry.

So I have a complex about my teeth and they're still big,

so I told my friends this, before I gave a blow job--

I'm like, "I'm gonna scrape some 'D.' I know it."

And... (chuckles)

they...

Yeah. It's the bad kind of S-ing "D." Um...

I to... I did.

I asked my friends for advice,

and they gave me the worst... They were like,

"Just... No, you won't be bad. Just go like that when you do it

and cover those dick-scrapers up."

I thought it was a brilliant idea.

So I started doing that all...

Not all over town, but I, uh...

I-I went from town to town.

It was, like, a tour that I did, and, um...

Wasn't getting any callbacks

for the Toothless Turtle Blow Job.

Not a popular look.

I didn't know you guys, like, watched us.

I kind of thought we were, like, on our own down there, and...

Until one time, a guy was like, "Hey, Nik, uh... (sighs)

"You kind of look like my nana right now,

"and it's freaking me out.

I haven't called her in a while and..."

I didn't hear him. I was like, "What's that, Sonny?"

Uh... His name was Sonny. It was just

a coincidence. Um...

So then...

he complained and so then I gave him a hand job

and then he complained about that.

He was like, "You're still using too much teeth."

I was like, "What are you talking about?

This is a hand job."

And he said, "I know. Stop smiling at me."

And I thought, "You're right.

"That is too much teeth. I got excited.

I... I thought I was doing it right."

I don't know that I'm prepared to-to find a guy right now.

I've kind of, um...

I've kind of let this area go.

Which has felt great. It's, um... You know,

I don't care. I did look down the other day and go...

(splutters) "My God. I hope I'm not raped

'cause I'd be, like, 'Sorry!'"

Like, that's a thought I had.

This is why I didn't cut through the park late at night

that evening, 'cause it'd be embarrassing.

The last time I did anything, I BIC'd it completely.

Um, it wasn't hot. It was just for surgery, so I don't...

Yeah, it was a knee operation, but, uh...

I just figured, in case the doctor takes a look,

I wanted to impress him, you know.

He's a doctor, so... (chuckles)

I do shave generally. That's how...

You got to be careful, though.

Um, the first time I ever did it, I remember I just had,

like, a nervous breakdown; I was just like...

I Britney Spear'd it-- I was just like, "I want it off!"

And I just... blacked out.

Razor burn right away.

Which... I didn't even...

I thought I had herpes for three days.

Weekend at Herpes.

I put a pair of sunglasses on it.

We had fun, but, uh...

Just awful.

Has anyone here had a herpes scare? It's...

A fourth of you definitely have, but, um...

It's the worst-- I thought my life was over.

I called all my friends, sobbing.

I-I wrote a will. That's not necessary, but...

It's not. It was just razor burn.

That keeps coming back every four weeks.

It's weird.

All my boyfriends get it.

What's going on?

You know razor burn.

But I think, um, just trimming it is the way to go.

It's, uh...

I-I have... I have a hard time showing restraint, though.

It's like when I cut my own bangs.

You know, you get it just right and then you're just like,

"Oh, just a little more." And you keep going

till you got some spiky shit coming out and you're like,

"Oh, great. A month of hats for me. This is awesome."

I do that down there. I'll get it just right

and then I'll keep going. I'm bored.

And then pretty soon, doing the back for no reason.

You ever ventured back there?

Oh, come on, girls.

I regret to inform you that there's stuff back there.

And it is longer than you think.

It's always a surprise.

I'm always like, "Should I donate this to Locks of Love?

Jesus! When did I sit in a nest of daddy longlegs?

This is substantial.

It's... No one else? Okay.

Maybe I should get that looked at. Um...

No, don't-don't ever shave it.

Don't-don't do it.

It's tempting, 'cause it feels great at first.

You're like, "Wow, I'll never not do that. It's so smooth."

And then it starts growing back right away.

And you got to walk around

and it's just like... (imitates harsh scraping)

Two scruffy bearded dudes making out by your butt all day.

It's... not ideal.

In the summer, it gets hot.

You got to put a wet paper towel between 'em

'cause I don't want that gay shit going on by my asshole.

I don't.

(chuckles)

Oh, my God.

I've tried w... All my friends get... get it waxed.

Um, I don't know. It's expensive though.

It's, like, 60 bucks and then, after tip,

it's, like, 61 bucks or something-- I'm not doing that.

I've... I tried it. You know, I walked into a salon once

and, uh, I was just like, "I want the Brazilian."

And they were rude. They were like,

"Ma'am, this is Supercuts."

And I was like, "I know.

I have a Groupon. It's, like... Can we not..."

It ain't cheap.

So I... I wanted to try waxing, so I was like,

"Oh, I'll just go to Walgreens

and get a kit and do it myself."

I like arts and crafts.

And I don't like arts and crafts.

I've never finished a scrapbook in my life.

Didn't finish this one either.

I didn't get past the second page,

if you know what I'm saying.

I don't know what I'm saying.

No, it was the worst.

They give you microwavable wax,

but every microwave is different.

I just put it in and pressed "Popcorn."

I didn't... know.

Oh, God, I... (groans)

I burnt myself, I scolded mys... Not sc... Scalded.

I always... yeah, scol...

I was like, "(bleep) you!" Um...

Yeah, I really taught it a... I scalded myself and...

I only got two strips in and then I gave up

and I was like, "Well, I guess this is my new look."

Looks like a pause button, but you know what?

Metaphor for my sex life now.

Puttin' this bitch on pause.

I was clever with it-- I called it the Patch Adams. Uh...

'cause when I put a clown nose on it, it made sick kids laugh,

so that's why I called it that.

It was, like, a fun day of volunteering that I did, so...

Thank you.

I don't know what to do down there anymore.

It's like... I, um...

I took... I used to take pictures, um...

Well, 'cause my... my ex-boyfriend asked me

to send naked photos. And I was smart--

I didn't put my face in it.

Uh, mostly 'cause that's how he asked for them,

but also because...

That's the smart way to do it.

But it's hard to make that picture look sexy.

You know, you're just laying on a bed. You crop off your head.

It just looks like a crime scene photo. Like, it's not...

a good look.

It was the wor...

Eventually, he was just, like, "Stop sending me

these headless horsewoman photos.

I don't need them in my life or my phone."

So then... I remember I got a text, once, that was like,

"Send (bleep) pics."

At, like, 4:00 a.m.

And I was like, "Gross! No!"

But then he had a really good argument

for why I should because he was like, "Come on."

That was it. But I was like, "Wow. Okay.

I'll fax them over promptly."

Terrible.

Ugh... I, um...

I miss... I miss sex.

I'm gonna do it again someday.

I got to get better at masturbating in the meantime.

I'm terrible at it.

I don't know what I'm doing. It's, um...

Most of the time I just find an itch and I scratch it.

I'm like, "Yes. Am I done?" Like, "That felt great."

But I'm not done.

Then I just fake an orgasm by myself just to get it over with.

It's...

Oh, God.

I don't know what to do.

I, um... I try to fantasize. I try to watch, like...

I'm not into porn, but I'll try to, like, find my porn.

Like a good John Mayer clip on YouTube or something,

and I put that on mute and then I, uh...

Yeah. Well, I like his music.

It's just, for me, it's about his face

'cause you can't sit on a voice,

so that's just how I feel about...

John Mayer. Um...

But I can't... It's, like...

'Cause then I'm like, "He's a celebrity. You can't have him.

It's stupid." So I try to fantasize about, like,

maybe someone in my life.

Then I'm, like, "Oh, like, maybe..."

Like, I have a crush on this guy right now, who's totally

marriage material 'cause he's married but, um, it's, uh...

That's the worst to fantasize about,

'cause then I'm just touching myself

to his wife and kids dying and that's never good.

It's, uh... I mean,

I do it in a Jet Ski accident, so it's kind of sexy, but, um...

Yeah.

They have a lot of fun up until that bridge.

But that bridge just... comes out of nowhere and...

She shouldn't have been drunk Jet Skiing though.

That's kind of on her.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

So, yeah.

I'm not looking f...

I'm looking forward to having sex again

but sober sex is gonna be weird 'cause I'm gonna be, um,

conscious for when you guys (bleep).

Uh, that's always frightening.

Did you guys know that you turn into demons when you (bleep)?

Are you aware of that?

Is that a thing that you... were conscious of?

It scared me the first time it happened-- a lot.

I did not see it c...

'Cause you're so sweet to us up until that moment.

It's just like, "Oh, baby..." And then it's just like...

(gibbering shout)

And I'm like, "Whoa! Where's Scott?!

What did you do with Scott?!" Aah!

It's horrifying. (chuckles)

It's so sc...

Then... it-it gets... Then you col...

Then it's just... You collapse on us.

And it gets really quiet.

And I'm like, (whispering): "The beast is dead.

I killed him."

But then you reanimate back into your old sel...

You're like, "Hey, babe."

I'm like, "I've seen the real you! Get off!"

(shudders)

It's so scary.

But it's what you do, and it's weird when you think about it

'cause all of us, we're all here right now,

like, living right now, because some dude once went like...

(gibbering shout)

Isn't that weird?

Have you ever thought about that?

All of us.

Because some dude... I know.

And by some dude, I mean your father.

Thank you, guys, very much. I'm Nikki Glaser.

Thank you.

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