Partners of Trans Series Part 3 | Initial Shock Phase
Summary
TLDRIn this video, Dr. Ziama Klinkov, a psychologist specializing in transgender care, discusses the emotional challenges faced by partners when a transgender partner comes out. The video focuses on the 'initial shock' phase, where partners often react in two ways: catastrophizing with overwhelming anxiety and ultimatums, or denial with overly supportive behavior. Dr. Klinkov explains how both reactions are defense mechanisms rooted in fear and loss of control. She emphasizes the importance of avoiding ultimatums and finding a balanced approach to cope with the changes in the relationship.
Takeaways
- 🧠 The video is part three of a series discussing the emotional responses of partners when their trans partner comes out to them.
- 😧 The 'initial shock' phase follows the coming out phase and involves processing and stabilizing the information revealed by the trans partner.
- 🫣 Partners typically fall into two main groups: those who catastrophize and those who fall into denial.
- 💥 The catastrophizing group experiences overwhelming anxiety, fears about the future, and thoughts like 'What will happen to us?' or 'What will others think?'
- 🗣️ In response, partners in this group may issue ultimatums such as 'If you transition, I will leave.' These ultimatums generally do not work and can cause resentment.
- 🙅♀️ Ultimatums, while often stemming from fear, lead to no-win situations and long-term harm to the relationship.
- 🙇♂️ The denial group tends to be overly supportive at first, minimizing the potential challenges and acting like everything is okay, which may later lead to emotional fallout.
- 🤷♀️ Denial is often a defense mechanism to maintain a sense of control, but it may not acknowledge the seriousness of the situation.
- 👥 Both groups—those who catastrophize and those in denial—fear losing their partner but express that fear in different ways (e.g., ultimatums vs. over-supportiveness).
- 💔 The video encourages partners to avoid ultimatums and acknowledge the complexities of their emotions, suggesting that parting amicably may sometimes be the best outcome.
Q & A
What is the purpose of this video series?
-The video series aims to help both trans partners and their cisgender partners understand the emotions and challenges that arise when a trans partner comes out. It provides guidance on how to cope with these feelings and navigate the transition in a relationship.
What is the 'initial shock' phase in the context of a partner coming out as trans?
-The 'initial shock' phase refers to the period after a trans partner comes out, where the cis partner begins to process and stabilize their emotions. This can last anywhere from days to months, depending on the individual, and is marked by the initial settling in of the new reality.
What are the two common reactions partners experience during the 'initial shock' phase?
-Partners often fall into one of two groups: those who catastrophize, feeling overwhelming anxiety and fear about the future, and those who enter denial, becoming overly supportive while not fully acknowledging the seriousness of the situation.
What does it mean for a partner to 'catastrophize' during the initial shock phase?
-Catastrophizing involves thinking of worst-case scenarios, such as fearing for the future of the relationship, questioning their own sexuality, or worrying about how others, including children, will react. This anxiety can lead to panic or even ultimatums.
Why are ultimatums not recommended during the initial shock phase?
-Ultimatums, such as telling a partner they must choose between the relationship or transitioning, rarely work. They create a no-win situation where one person feels forced to give up something important, often leading to resentment and worsening the relationship.
What is the typical emotional reaction of someone in the denial group?
-People in denial often react by being overly supportive, trying to maintain control of the situation by accommodating their partner's transition. They may downplay the significance of the changes in their relationship, which can be problematic in the long term.
Why is being overly supportive seen as a form of denial?
-Overly supportive reactions can signal that the partner isn't fully processing the gravity of the situation. While support is important, failing to acknowledge personal feelings of discomfort or the potential impact on the relationship can lead to later emotional challenges.
How do both groups, catastrophizers and deniers, attempt to control the situation?
-Both groups fear losing their partner, but they handle it differently. Catastrophizers try to control the situation by issuing ultimatums, while deniers try to maintain control by being overly supportive, hoping to keep the relationship intact.
Why might ultimatums lead to resentment in a relationship?
-Ultimatums can force a partner to choose between staying in the relationship or transitioning, which can cause them to feel trapped. If they choose the relationship, they may harbor resentment toward their partner for preventing them from living authentically.
What is Dr. Klinkov's advice for partners who decide the relationship isn't right for them?
-Dr. Klinkov advises that if a partner decides the relationship is no longer viable, it’s important to acknowledge the emotional investment and attempt to part amicably. This is especially important if there are shared responsibilities, like children or pets.
Outlines
🎥 Introduction to the Series
Dr. Ziama Klinkov, a psychologist specializing in transgender care, introduces the third part of a series focused on understanding the emotional experiences of partners when their transgender partners come out. This video will discuss the 'initial shock' phase following the coming out period, offering insights for both partners and transgender individuals.
😨 The Initial Shock Phase: Catastrophizing
After the coming out phase, partners may enter a period called 'initial shock,' where the reality of the situation begins to settle in. During this phase, partners might experience overwhelming anxiety and catastrophizing thoughts, worrying about the future, their relationship, and their own sexuality. This phase can lead to panic attacks or depression, and partners may resort to ultimatums, which are generally not recommended as they often lead to resentment and further complications in the relationship.
⚠️ The Dangers of Ultimatums
Dr. Klinkov warns against the use of ultimatums during the initial shock phase, as they rarely result in positive outcomes. Ultimatums can force the transgender partner to choose between their transition and their relationship, which may lead to resentment and ultimately the dissolution of the relationship. Instead, it’s important to respect the personal investment in the relationship and consider more compassionate approaches.
🙈 The Denial Response
Some partners may respond to the initial shock with denial, refusing to fully acknowledge the reality and seriousness of the situation. These partners might become overly supportive, ignoring the emotional turmoil they may be experiencing. This defense mechanism, while well-intentioned, can prevent them from addressing the deep changes occurring in their relationship, and may eventually lead to a delayed emotional response once the reality sets in.
💬 Engaging with the Audience
Dr. Klinkov encourages viewers to share their experiences in the comments, asking whether they fell into the category of catastrophizing or denial, and how they navigated these phases. The video also invites transgender partners to share their observations of their partners’ reactions, fostering a discussion that may help others in similar situations. Viewers are also encouraged to stay tuned for the next part of the series.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Initial Shock
💡Catastrophizing
💡Ultimatums
💡Denial
💡Transphobia
💡Sense of Catastrophe
💡Overly Supportive
💡Partner Investment
💡Coming Out Phase
💡Gender Identity
Highlights
Introduction to the partner series, focusing on partners of transgender individuals and how they can cope when their partner comes out.
Discussion of the 'coming out phase' in part two, where partners experience emotional reactions as they process their transgender partner's identity.
Explanation of the 'initial shock phase' that follows the coming out period, where partners process and digest the new information.
Two primary groups are identified during the initial shock phase: those who catastrophize and those who fall into denial.
Catastrophizing group experiences overwhelming anxiety and fear about the future, often worrying about how the transition will impact relationships, children, and societal perception.
Partners in the catastrophizing group may question their own sexuality, which can cause further confusion and emotional distress.
Ultimatums often emerge from this anxiety, with partners threatening to leave or end the relationship if their transgender partner transitions.
Doctor advises against ultimatums, as they rarely lead to positive outcomes and can foster resentment between partners.
Denial group tends to be overly supportive initially, offering assistance without fully acknowledging the gravity of the situation.
Overly supportive partners may ignore their own emotional needs, which can lead to problems later when reality sets in.
The danger in denial is not processing the true impact that the transition may have on the relationship.
Both catastrophizing and denial are defense mechanisms partners use to try to control a situation that feels out of control.
The longer the relationship, the more complex and nuanced the emotional reactions and challenges become.
The speaker emphasizes empathy for both partners and the transgender individual, acknowledging that this is a difficult situation for all involved.
Encouragement to acknowledge the reality of the situation, avoid asking 'why me?' and instead focus on how to adapt and move forward.
Transcripts
[Music]
hi everyone i'm doctor ziama klinkov
psychologist specializing in transgender
care welcome to my channel this is a
part three of partner series videos uh
to discuss what may be happening to the
partners when your trans partners come
out to you what you may be feeling how
to best steal and cope with it and this
is also a series for trans partners
themselves to better understand what the
partners may be going through
in the second video in part two i talked
about coming out face and i talked about
what you may be feeling when a partner
comes out to you and i broke it down
into three groups um that most likely
tend to occur uh when trans partners
come out to you in this video i'll be
talking about after that coming out
phase usually what happens after the
coming out phase is there's a period of
time for each one of you the period of
time is going to be different for some
of you it could be several days for
others could be several weeks for some
it could be as long as several months
after the period wears off however long
it is for you what happens next is what
i call initial shock
initial shock is when that part of
whatever happened in coming out the
information remember i said it's going
to
take some time to digest and to process
information that your trans partner has
presented you when they did come out so
what happens in initial shock uh phase
is that that's the period of time when
suddenly
things are settling in suddenly all of
that processing all the cells are
starting to really kind of um well
they're really starting to in a way
stabilize themselves in this initial
shock phase i have observed that
partners tend to fall into two primary
groups again just with any of my videos
i tend to group things in the categories
to make things easier and simple
but a lot of times we have things that
go beyond those two groups this is just
the most too common that i have observed
in working with couples in therapy
group number one of initial shock phase
is when as a result of things settling
in and the emotions and feelings
settling in and kind of stabilizing
themselves
partners may feel
a sense of catastrophe coming over a
sense of overwhelming anxiety coming
over
um
what i mean by sense of catastrophe is
that you had space your mind space
starts to spin into a very
catastrophizing narrative in a sense of
really worrying about the future you may
be subtly experiencing thoughts such as
oh my god i am terrified what's going to
happen oh my god what's going to happen
to our kids how are you now going to
come out our kids if you have kids what
are others are going to think suddenly
you're overly concerned about what
others are going to think maybe some of
your thoughts may even come out from
social cultural uh sense of transphobia
that has accumulated in all of us by the
way this is not to pinpoint on partners
we all have cultural transphobia it's a
byproduct of living in a transphobic
world and so as a result you have all of
these feelings come up in a sense of
overwhelming anxiety and very big
catastrophizing
tendencies
other form of catastrophizing could be
starting to thinking about your intimate
life is this partner you may start
questioning yourself wait a second
i'm not a lesbian or wait a second i'm
not a gay man or wait a second i'm not
bisexual so you're starting to question
your sexuality because your partners
seem to express their true authentic
gender the genders that you found
yourself initially attracted to that
lend you into relationship is now
shifting and because it is now shifting
you're suddenly starting to question
your sexuality which is normal which is
exactly what happens um you will
question your sexuality but that's going
to be also part of this catastrophizing
phase where suddenly
you're overwhelmed where suddenly
everything just seems like it's never
going to work out everything seems like
it's going to fall apart
you may even have a panic attack
sometimes people have panic attacks
sometimes people just get really
depressed thinking about this
catastrophizing period
a lot of times what i see partners do
and i really do not recommend doing this
during this catastrophizing phase is
because they get so terrified and so
scared of losing their trans partners or
losing
everything they have to build up up to
this point because let's acknowledge for
a lot of you it's the whole life you had
built up with this trans person it's a
whole
you may have decades together you may
have a house together you may have
children together you may have paths
together you may have so many other
things memories shared histories
together and it's a personal investment
relationships are absolutely personal
investment
and when things happen that potentially
rock the loss of the personal investment
well it's going to scare us and terrify
us and that's what's happening to you is
that it scares you and terrifies you and
out of that fear
one of the defenses that i see partners
employ which again i don't recommend
because it just doesn't work it doesn't
serve anybody
are ultimatums so if you're listening to
this in your radio gone through
catastrophizing face and you already
employed ultimatums you know what i'm
talking about and if you haven't gotten
through this phase just be mindful of
that ultimatums what are they usually
the sound something along the lines of
partners telling their trans partners
i'm going to leave you if you're going
to transition i'm going to divorce you
if you're going to transition
if you tradition you're going to lose
everything if you transition
i'm taking the kids and i'm walking away
it's a very drastic me
or
or transition type of option there's no
win-win there's only one way and it's
either gonna be my way or it's gonna be
your way
um
you have to realize that
it's no win-win situation if the person
chooses your ultimatum then they lose
and if you choose
to walk away you also lose so it's a
no-win-win i also don't like all
ultimatums because
telling your partner telling your trans
partner during this time period that
if you transition
i'm going to leave you if you transition
i'm going to divorce you
you're basically telling them but if you
don't transition i'll stay with you and
i just don't see how is that
relationship going to work out for you
now that you know the true gender
identity of your partner aren't you
afraid that as a result they will start
harboring and cultivating contempt and
resentment to overdue which by the way
happens all of the time so just think
when things
of such seriousness as generally is what
it comes up in relationship
and if a person really feels like they
need to transition especially if you
feel like they need to transition
ultimatums just never sure of anybody so
i want you to be keep keep mindful
about that now remember how i said in
part one of the video as partners you
always have a sense of agency you also
always have a sense of
your own independence to be able to make
decisions for you and if you truly
decide that this relationship is not for
you
i will be the first person to 100
support your decision because i think we
all have to do what's best for us this
is also why the partners are coming out
to you because they have to decide
what's ultimately best for their health
but to throw away ultimatums and to tell
a person you have to choose it's almost
like telling somebody um that really
needs medical attention that i will
leave you if you get this medical
attention so you have to understand that
it doesn't really work like that so
very much caution partners against
ultimatums uh they never work i have yet
to show ultimatum work they always have
even worse consequences and people just
end up resentful hateful toward each
other and things end up ending anyway
i'd rather for people in a relationship
if it's not going to work out for you if
you're going to decide this just changes
the nature of relationship completely to
such extent that i don't see this is
happening i don't see this is making it
which happens and i have to acknowledge
that happens i just for both of you to
appreciate and respect the investment
you put into it and to part
still being acquaintances in the very
least friends in the very best
still parents if you have children or
pets
in a very very best case that's what i
really want for everybody uh versus
having this
breakaway because of the old latin so
that's group number one that tends to
react when catastrophizing uh during
initial shock happens you tend to
catastrophize anxiety takes over as a
result fears come up all of these fears
what's now as a result of fears you may
offer ultimatums now i want to
acknowledge there are partners sometimes
who do offer ultimatums and they don't
necessarily mean it when they do it it's
more a defense mechanism in order to
try to hold on and control and have
control over situations that they feel
they don't have control over that's a
different scenario a lot of times those
partners come back and they say you know
what i didn't really mean it
not drastically
but that's what i felt at the moment so
that's a different scenario too but
ultimate items that you truly mean
um
they just don't work people i'm sorry if
they truly do not work i don't know a
couple therapists who is going to tell
you that ultimatums ever work in a
relationship
so that's group number one another group
that tends to fall into a pattern uh
most commonly if you're not feeling
catastrophizing and sense of anxiety
during initial shock what another group
tends to feel is an overwhelming sense
of denial and overwhelming sense of
denial in a sense of um
where you're really not acknowledging
the
reality you're really not acknowledged
not even reality but you're not
acknowledging the seriousness of the
situation in a sense that you're not
allowing yourself to accept
to what extent it's going to change
things in your relationship because it
does change things in a relationship
so as a result what happens in this
phase of denial for those people the
ways they tend to come out
when trans partners come out and express
themselves
during this initial shock phase is that
you end up doing the opposite whereas
one group tends to over catastrophize
and give ultimatums this group over here
that's more in denial what they tend to
do is they tend to now be overly
supportive um be overly
it's okay we'll figure this out i love
you
i'll support you
it's okay if you start expressing
yourself when you prefer gender let me
help you out
what do you need what can i get you
let's figure out how to come out to our
kids if the kids are involved so it's
it's a partner who is suddenly like
overly supportive and i see partners
especially in a long-term marriage that
are overly supportive for me personally
as a clinician it's a little bit of a
red flag because the reality is that
well this is something serious that just
shook up your relationship and like i
said so many times before i married for
16 years and if my husband came out and
told me that
he is questioning his gender
as much as i would want to be supportive
i probably will say something to the
extent of i'll support you but i'm
shaken up and i have no idea
what's going to happen and i have no
idea how it's going to evolve so that's
a different type of support versus being
suddenly so
polygonish if you will everything is
wonderful this is so great you identify
as transgender i will support you all
that's great let's go closing shopping
it's a little bit overly extreme there's
got to be a shaken up factor because
why shouldn't there be um
you're in relationship uh gender is a
big component of that relationship a
partner came out not saying that it has
to be to the extent for you giving out
ultimatums and you're catastrophizing
but there's got to be some base of
reality here so this is the individuals
in this group tend to be in denial and
that's another form of defense where's
for the groups that tends to get very
anxious in defense is to give out
ultimatums in order to
relinquish control this group over here
um
because they're in denial their defense
is to be overly accommodating to be
overly um
overly supportive also in in a way to
relinquish control of the situation but
over here you're trying to do you're
trying not to lose you both groups
notice fear losing the partner by the
way but this one the way they try to
control situation is by maintaining
sense of control by being overly
supportive so don't leave me i'll
support you this one over here says if
you do this i will leave you so it's a
different type of situation only one can
say this is also maybe overly supportive
ultimatum if you will so there's the two
most common categories that people tend
to fall into when they get into the
initial shock phase is that
ultimatums or being overly supportive
i totally understand why people fall
into those groups i think it's totally
normal to fall into those groups no
matter how on a surface that may look
like because initially people who are
over here in denial they wake up wake up
out of the denial i'll talk about it in
the next video so now it becomes reality
check and then they freak out and then
people over here sometimes adapt to the
situation that they didn't think they
would adopt um we're humans these
situations are complex they're difficult
the longer you've been in relationships
the more complex about nuance your
situation is going to be because you
have that much investment in your
relationship you have that much
investment in each other
so there's going to be all this little
interplays in the place it's not easy i
feel for both sides i feel tremendously
for the partners i feel tremendously for
the trans partners um it's nobody's
fault
um it's it's stuff that happens it's i
call it life happens um and it
sucks and it's not fair there's no fair
unfair why me why you um the more you're
gonna ask yourself those questions is
the more you're going to get stuck the
more resentful you're gonna get towards
leaving the best thing is just to
acknowledge all right let me deal with
what's in front of me
and how can i best adopt so these are
the most two common groups that in a
phase 2 initial shock tend to fall into
those categories comment below if you're
watching let me know um but
let me know what you think let me know
whether you fell as a partner into one
category or into another whether you
fall into the category of uh individuals
who were did you get astrophysics did
you give your partner ultimatum how did
that work out for you um
did you then realize that it's not gonna
work out what was the nature of your
ultimatum do you mind sharing that below
if you're over here and you felt a sense
of denial and you were over supportive
and then reality kicked in
what happened how did you feel about it
did that scare you like i said partners
feel all kinds of things and if you're
trans partner comment below and let me
know as a trans partner what group of
categories did you witness your partner
fall into what was it like for you what
was the most challenging thing for you
about seeing them in that category and
stay tuned for uh part
um part four of the series
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