Mediation and mindfully getting in the middle: Brad Heckman at TEDxTeachersCollege
Summary
TLDRThe speaker humorously explores the challenges of mindfulness and mediation, admitting to having an 'unquiet mind' despite being in a profession focused on resolving conflicts. Using anecdotes, including references to F. Scott Fitzgerald, Jimmy Carter, and Colombo, the speaker highlights key mediation principles such as staying non-judgmental, embracing open-ended questions, and the power of silence. Through quirky metaphors and visual examples, the speaker encourages mediators to avoid assumptions, reflect, and be open to learning from others, even in silence or during conflicts.
Takeaways
- 🧘 The speaker admits to having a restless mind, making mindfulness challenging, yet they work in the field of mediation which requires being present and non-judgmental.
- 🐒 The concept of 'monkey mind' is used to describe an unquiet mind, symbolizing the chaotic and restless nature of thoughts.
- 🤔 The ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind, as mentioned by F. Scott Fitzgerald, is central to the practice of mediation.
- 🎭 The speaker uses visual aids and storytelling to convey complex ideas, highlighting their preference for visual thinking over verbal communication.
- 🔍 The importance of not making assumptions in mediation is emphasized, illustrated by a story about two women disputing over furniture, which was actually a cover for a deeper relationship issue.
- 🕵️♂️ The speaker suggests adopting a 'Colombo' approach in mediation, playing dumb to uncover the true nature of conflicts.
- 🌐 A Cold War anecdote illustrates the importance of clear communication and feedback loops in understanding and resolving conflicts.
- 🗣️ Reflection is a powerful tool in mediation; repeating back what is heard can help ensure understanding and show that the speaker is being heard.
- 😃 The speaker encourages mediators to use a neutral facial expression, like a 'cow face,' to maintain an open and non-judgmental demeanor.
- 🎷 Miles Davis's philosophy on the importance of the spaces between notes in music is applied to mediation, suggesting that silence can be a valuable tool.
- 🚗 The 'DeLorean' from 'Back to the Future' serves as a metaphor for 'time travel' in mediation, encouraging looking at the past to understand and resolve current disputes.
Q & A
What is the main challenge the speaker faces with mindfulness?
-The speaker's main challenge with mindfulness is having an incredibly unquiet mind, often referred to as 'monkey mind,' where thoughts are constantly jumping around, making it difficult to focus and be present.
What is the difference between mediation and meditation as mentioned in the script?
-Mediation is a profession that involves helping people move forward in problem-solving without making judgments or decisions, while meditation is a practice of training the mind to achieve a state of calmness and focus.
What does the speaker suggest as a core principle for effective mediation?
-The speaker suggests that the core principle for effective mediation is the ability to hold two differing truths at the same time, which is a concept related to F. Scott Fitzgerald's idea of first-rate intelligence.
What is the speaker's favorite mantra for mediation?
-The speaker's favorite mantra for mediation is 'it's not about you,' which helps to relieve the pressure of having to be the problem solver and allows the mediator to stay neutral and focused on the parties involved.
How did former President Jimmy Carter approach mediating the Camp David Accords?
-Former President Jimmy Carter approached mediating the Camp David Accords by learning extensively about the participants, including their psychology, family history, culture, and even their sleeping patterns, to better understand and negotiate with them.
What role does the character Columbo play in the speaker's approach to mediation?
-The character Columbo, a TV detective known for playing dumb to get information, is used by the speaker as an example of how to approach mediation by asking open-ended questions and not making assumptions about the parties in conflict.
Why does the speaker recommend using a feedback loop in communication?
-The speaker recommends using a feedback loop in communication to ensure that the message conveyed is accurately understood, as demonstrated by the Cold War anecdote where a mistranslation could have led to a misunderstanding between JFK and Khrushchev.
What is the significance of the Velvet Underground's song 'I'll Be Your Mirror' in the context of the script?
-The song 'I'll Be Your Mirror' by the Velvet Underground is used to illustrate the importance of reflection in communication, where reflecting back what someone has said can help them feel heard and understood.
How does the speaker suggest handling silence during mediation?
-The speaker suggests letting silence be a friend during mediation, as it can provide an opportunity for reflection and can often lead to one of the parties filling the space with meaningful dialogue.
What advice does the speaker give for dealing with conflict when mediating?
-The speaker advises mediators to play dumb, reflect, time travel by asking about past interactions, and let silence work in their favor, all of which can help in resolving disputes effectively.
How can the principles of mediation be applied by individuals in disputes, according to the speaker?
-The speaker suggests that individuals in disputes can apply the principles of mediation, such as playing dumb, reflecting, and time traveling, to improve their communication and potentially resolve conflicts more effectively.
Outlines
🤔 The Challenge of Mindfulness in Mediation
The speaker begins by humorously admitting to having an 'unquiet mind,' despite being a professional mediator. They liken their thoughts to a 'monkey mind,' constantly jumping from one idea to another. The speaker acknowledges the irony of their profession, which involves helping others to solve problems without judgment, while struggling with the concept of mindfulness, or being fully present. They also reveal a preference for visual thinking over verbal communication, which leads them to use drawings to illustrate their points. The speaker introduces the idea of holding opposing ideas in the mind, quoting F. Scott Fitzgerald, and suggests that this ability is crucial for mediation. They also share a personal mantra for mediation: 'It's not about you,' which helps them to relieve the pressure of having to solve others' problems.
🕵️♂️ Embracing 'Dumbness' in Conflict Resolution
The speaker advocates for the approach of 'playing dumb' in mediation, drawing a parallel to the TV detective Columbo, who used seemingly naive questions to solve cases. They argue that by not making assumptions, mediators can uncover the true nature of disputes, as illustrated by a story of two women in a housing dispute. The speaker also recounts a Cold War anecdote involving a miscommunication between JFK and Nikita Khrushchev, highlighting the importance of feedback loops in understanding intentions. They emphasize the value of reflection in communication, suggesting that repeating back what is heard can prevent misunderstandings and show that the speaker is listening. The speaker also touches on the importance of non-verbal communication, suggesting that a neutral facial expression can be beneficial in mediation.
🕰️ Time Travel and Silence in Conflict Resolution
The speaker discusses the use of silence as a tool in conflict resolution, suggesting that mediators should allow for pauses and not feel compelled to fill every silence. They argue that this can give parties in conflict a chance to reflect and potentially resolve issues on their own. The speaker also introduces the concept of 'time travel' in mediation, encouraging parties to recall better times in their relationship to find a path towards resolution. They emphasize the importance of understanding the full context of a person's life, rather than judging them based on a single moment of conflict. The speaker concludes by suggesting that the techniques used by mediators can also be applied by individuals in disputes, encouraging a proactive approach to resolving conflicts.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Mindfulness
💡Monkey Mind
💡Mediation
💡Paradox
💡It's not about you
💡Jimmy Carter
💡Colombo
💡Reflection
💡Flux Capacitor
💡Dance Zombie Dance
Highlights
The speaker admits to having an unquiet mind, making mindfulness challenging, despite working in the field of mediation.
Mindfulness is described as the practice of being present without judgment, which contrasts with the speaker's internal 'monkey mind'.
The concept of 'monkey mind' is used to illustrate the restless and unpredictable nature of thoughts.
The speaker uses visual thinking and drawings to convey ideas, given their preference for pictures over words.
F. Scott Fitzgerald's quote about holding opposing ideas is introduced as central to the mediation process.
The speaker confesses to struggling with mindfulness but uses paradoxes to approach mediation.
A mantra for mediation is shared: 'It's not about you', which helps in removing the pressure to solve problems.
Former President Jimmy Carter's advice on mediation is highlighted, emphasizing the importance of understanding participants.
The speaker suggests 'playing dumb' as a strategy in mediation, inspired by the TV detective Columbo.
A case study is presented where open-ended questions revealed the true nature of a dispute, beyond material possessions.
The importance of reflection in communication is discussed, using the Cold War hotline story as an analogy.
The speaker recommends reflecting back what is heard to ensure understanding and to show that the speaker is being heard.
The idea that expressions and non-verbal cues can impact conflict resolution is introduced.
The speaker encourages embracing silence during conflict resolution, suggesting it can lead to reflection and new insights.
The concept of 'time travel' in mediation is introduced, asking participants to reflect on better times to find resolution.
The speaker concludes by suggesting that the techniques used by mediators can also be applied by individuals in disputes.
A final thought is offered on the power of one person to influence a conflict positively, even if they are not the mediator.
Transcripts
so i have uh two confessions to make
um one is though this is a uh
a tedx on mindfulness i have an
incredibly unquiet mind
um
if you're familiar with the concept of
the monkey mind you know
where your thoughts careen uh about your
head as if from tree to tree um i got
the planet of the apes all up in here a
simian dystopia making mischief in my
head constantly
so mindfulness does not come easy for me
and i'm in a profession called mediation
which though it is one letter away from
meditation uh finds itself very often at
odds with this idea of being here now
when we try to help people move forward
in in their problem solvings without
making judgments or decisions
my second confession
is that i don't know many words but i'm
a visual thinker so i'm better with
pictures so i made some some drawings to
share with you
hopefully
hopefully you can see them from the back
if not this is a good time to take out
your opera glasses or squint um
okay
um this is uh f scott fitzgerald who who
once said that the sign of a first-rate
intelligence is the ability to hold two
opposed ideas in the head and maintain
the ability to function
and then i think hemingway punched him
in the mouth
this is very much the core of mediation
so the idea of holding two differing
truths at the same time um so so when i
struggle with mindfulness and mediation
i think of f scott fitzgerald playing
with a paradox
get a paradox
you know
i
we got we got 12 more minutes folks it
gets a little worse
so
my favorite mantra of of mediation and
again briefly mediation is is when you
find yourself in the middle of a dispute
trying to help people solve problems but
are not making decisions or not making
jobs judgments and not making
assumptions
the easiest way for me to remain mindful
is to think of this it's not about you
you female sheep
okay
wait
when we absolve ourselves from the
pressure of having to be the one who
comes up with the answers who comes up
with the decisions um who has a
meaningful opinion to insert into other
people's lives a tremendous relief comes
upon us right so when you find yourself
helping people resolve
their disputes the more we take off that
pressure of ourselves having to be the
problem solver uh the better
by the way i recently had a chance to
hear former president jimmy carter talk
about the camp david accords
and someone asked him well well what
what is your number one piece of advice
uh in mediating a conflict like this
between sadat and begin
and he said that well he he learned
everything he could about the
participants he learned their psychology
their family history their culture a
little bit of their languages he even
learned when they slept so that while
one was sleeping he could be negotiating
with the other one
all right
um
i've no jimmy carter and uh and nor do i
have the first rate intelligence that
epscot fitzgerald spoke of
so i have kind of a different um
icon that i turn to in mediation uh does
anyone recognize this guy
it's colombo yeah played by peter falk
dated reference he was a tv detective in
the 1970s
who always got the criminal by really
playing dumb
he was you know he was a a detective in
sunny los angeles and for some reason
always wore a raincoat
and always asked these seemingly
innocuous questions the criminals
thought they were off the hook and then
at the very end he would say something
like oh just one more thing
and then he would totally nail them
all right
so he played them in order to be
manipulative to catch the crooks but i
would pause it to you that when you're
resolving this
disputes
dare to be dumb
all right
we don't know what we think we know
about parties in conflict
very briefly one of the first cases i
ever saw in mediation
were two women who identified as cousins
living in poverty in low-income projects
in the south bronx
and one of them was moving out and they
were having an argument over how to
divide up the furniture
now the mediator very well could have
said well i've seen this case a thousand
times before let's negotiate who gets
the sofa and who gets the chair and the
ottoman and so on and so forth
rather he asked very open-ended
questions about who are you what's your
relationship
turned out that they were a same-sex
couple
living in a time and a place where it
would be very very difficult to admit
that and underneath it all the dispute
had nothing to do whatsoever with
furniture it was all about the
relationship so rather than making
assumptions about who these folks were
he he uh he played colombo and it really
worked heal their relationship
um
okay i'm going to tell you a quick uh
story from the cold war
this is uh nikita khrushchev
um soviet premier during the height of
the cold war when uh when jfk was was
president here
so he called jfk um on the special
hotline that went right from the kremlin
to the white house
and he said mr president uh i want the
peace
i i made him italian for some reason
i'm not good with accents so uh
so
as protocol dictated this went through a
very sophisticated translation system in
which um a russian and an american
interpreter worked together to make sure
that they got the exact meaning right
before they transmitted it to kennedy
and
kennedy listens to this and he's
horrified
even though he's smiling here he was
horrified because in russian they used
the same word mir
for peace as they do the world so this
was translated to kennedy as i want the
world
okay
what was lacking here and what they
ultimately did was use a feedback loop
so very simply they repeated back
through those translators back to
khrushchev did you really mean to say i
want the world meaning this sphere this
planet this orb no no i want peace you
know the ones with the peace signs and
the doves and all that stuff
right so this technique
uh as useful as it was in preventing
thermonuclear war is equally useful in
our interpersonal relationships and it's
something that we just say that we call
reflection so reflect when you hear
someone say something angrily or
provocatively
the best thing to do is not to react but
to simply repeat it back to them
let me make sure i understand what you
said you're really upset because the
apartment's a mess
okay
many people in conflict not only want a
solution or a resolution they want to be
heard
one of the best things you could do is
reflect back what people said
um
oh
i'm a fan of the velvet underground they
have a song called i'll be your mirror
that's the uh the oral
uh
thing that pops up into my head when i
think of reflection
be the cow
by the way i posted this drawing on on
on twitter and someone told me it looked
like hitler
um it's just he just has a black muzzle
so so i want to go on the record and say
there's nothing about hitler that you
want to emulate in resolving conflicts
so many people who who mediate one of
the challenges they have when trying to
resolve disputes is the expression that
they use and the non-verbals that they
use they often seem just so serious and
so intent because they don't want to
look like they're siding with one party
or another party and they're so engaged
in it
there's a neurological idea that
suggests that we don't only smile
because we're happy we're we're happy
because we smile
so in other words the countenance that
you create the expression on your face
could very much impact the way you
mediate and resolve conflicts
i mentioned before sometimes we have to
play dumb if you
invoke this idea for me
of a cow face
this kind of look of bovine curiosity
and vapidity
there's a chance that you're not only
going to play dumb but you really are
going to be dumb in a good way
that will open you up to a lot more
creative ideas with your clients
anyone know who this is
it's miles davis in canada they call him
kilometers davis
so
miles davis has reported to have said
something to the effect of it's not just
about the notes in the music it's about
the space in between the
notes right
one of the hardest things that we
grapple with in conflict resolution is
what do we do when there's absolute
silence we feel this great temptation to
jump in and do something or say
something and i come from a family in
which half of my family for them normal
conversation is interrupting each other
they're from eastern europe uh other
half of my family are pennsylvania dutch
which means that there's like a
30-second space between sentences that's
like a rapid fire banter for those guys
right
so many of us struggle with this idea of
silence what i suggest is let silence in
conflict resolution be your friend
so if you're working with parties who
are in conflicts and you're at an
impasse um one of the best ways to stay
in the moment is simply do nothing
someone will fill the space and it
needn't be you can often be a great time
for people to reflect on what they've
been thinking
this is the delorean which is
from the movie back to the future in
which it serves as a time machine
fueled by the flux capacitor
so
so one of the things that's often at
odds with being here now in mediation is
that we see
when people are in conflict a slice of
their lives when they're
often not at their best they're highly
emotionally aroused they're angry
they're hurt
i think of myself when i have to call
the cable company after my tv goes out
in the middle of the walking dead and
i call the cable company i'm put on hold
and i would be horrified to think that
that if they analyzed my whole life
based on that slice
that i would be seen as a very different
person than the guy who runs the new
york peace institute
okay
so sometimes
to be here now it means be somewhere
else at some other time
when we mediate disputes one of the most
effective things that we can do
is ask people
tell me more about what things were like
before this actual dispute happens what
did it used to be like
so we encourage people to time travel a
little bit beyond where they are in that
particular moment to see if maybe there
was a time and a place where they're
able to work things out or communicate
in a different way
so time travel
um
now
most of the things i've been talking
about are things that we do as mediators
who find ourselves in the middle of
resolving disputes listening to both
sides
however much of what i said can also be
useful if you're not the one who is
mediating the conflict
there is the
idea that
if you have two people who are dancing
it only takes one partner to dance well
that the other will follow and will
automatically be a better dancer
i don't know that i believe that because
many people have tried to teach me how
to dance and it hasn't quite worked with
me but i still like the metaphor so
dance zombie dance
um
i figure if michael jackson was able to
get all of these reanimated corpses to
dance beautifully in the thriller video
and those guys have no sense of rhythm
uh then this is possible so all these
things that we're talking about playing
dumb
reflecting traveling in time a little
bit these are things that we can do as
individuals when we find ourselves in
the middle of disputes
if i had the dancing skills i would
moonwalk off the stage although it's
kind of hard on this this lovely shag
carpet so
[Applause]
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