Empathy is a Verb | Michele Borba | TEDxTraverseCity

Summary

Michelle Borba's speech addresses the decline in empathy among today's youth and the rise in narcissism. She emphasizes the importance of empathy for personal happiness, societal contributions, and as a tool against bullying and racism. Borba shares her journey to find solutions, highlighting programs like 'Roots of Empathy' and 'Seeds of Peace' that actively teach empathy. She calls for a societal shift towards prioritizing empathy and practicing 'heart habits' to cultivate a more compassionate world.

Takeaways

• 😢 The speaker's unforgettable moment was witnessing a student's disinterest in her speech on empathy, which led to a shift in her mindset and a 17-year journey to understand goodness.
• 🔍 The speaker's research led her to conclude that empathy is the key to goodness, happiness, and success, and is essential for combating issues like bullying and racism.
• 📉 There's a concerning trend of decreased empathy and increased narcissism among today's youth, which the speaker terms as 'selfie syndrome'.
• 👶 The Roots of Empathy program, which teaches emotional intelligence to children, has been proven to reduce bullying and increase empathy.
• 🌟 Empathy is a verb that needs to be active, meaningful, and real, often experienced through spontaneous and transformational moments.
• 📲 The rise of digital technology and screen time is reducing opportunities for face-to-face interaction, which is crucial for learning empathy.
• 🌐 The Seeds of Peace International Camp is an example of breaking down prejudice and promoting peace by bringing together teenagers from conflict zones.
• 🤝 Empathy is built on habits such as communication, collaboration, and perspective-taking, which are practiced at the Seeds of Peace camp.
• 💌 A simple act of kindness, like a handwritten note, can have a profound impact and demonstrate the power of human connection.
• 🌱 The speaker encourages starting with one person to practice empathy, emphasizing that small acts can lead to significant change.

Q & A

What was the speaker's unforgettable moment that changed her mindset?

The speaker's unforgettable moment was when a teenager with baggy jeans walked by her, holding up his pants, and yelled out 'great speech, now what?' This encounter made her realize the importance of teaching people to care and shifted her focus towards understanding and promoting empathy.

What is the correlation between empathy and happiness and success?

Empathy is highly correlated with predicting real happiness and success because it activates our heart, making us more likely to be courageous, compassionate, and contributing members of society.

How has empathy and narcissism changed in children over the last 30 years according to the speaker?

In the last 30 years, today's kids are 40 percent lower in empathy, while their narcissism rates have increased by fifty-eight percent, which the speaker refers to as the 'selfie syndrome'.

What is the 'Roots of Empathy' program mentioned in the script?

The 'Roots of Empathy' program is an educational initiative that teaches empathy to children by having them observe and interact with a baby in their classroom, helping them to understand and respond to the baby's emotions.

What is the significance of the baby being brought into the classroom in the 'Roots of Empathy' program?

The baby being brought into the classroom serves as a real-life example for the children to practice empathy. It allows them to observe and respond to the baby's emotions, making the learning experience active and meaningful.

What is the 'Seeds of Peace' camp and how does it relate to empathy?

The 'Seeds of Peace' camp is an international camp that brings together teenagers from conflict regions to foster understanding and peace through empathy-building activities and human connection.

Why does the speaker emphasize the importance of practicing empathy habits?

The speaker emphasizes practicing empathy habits because it helps to strengthen human connections, break down prejudice, and promote peace. It also helps individuals to see others not as enemies but as fellow human beings.

What is the significance of the handwritten note in the backpacks given to the children in Rwanda?

The handwritten note in the backpacks symbolizes human connection and empathy. It shows that someone cared enough to write a personal message, which had a profound emotional impact on the children, highlighting the basic human need for connection.

What does the speaker suggest as a way to combat compassion fatigue?

To combat compassion fatigue, the speaker suggests looking for the helpers and focusing on positive stories of caring and compassion, as suggested by Mr. Rogers. This helps to keep empathy open and active.

What are the three main ideas the speaker suggests to spread empathy?

The three main ideas to spread empathy suggested by the speaker are: 1) Practice habits of heart, 2) Empathy as a verb - real, meaningful, and active, and 3) Start with one - focusing on one person or act of kindness to open up our hearts and potentially inspire a larger impact.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 The Power of Empathy in Youth

In paragraph 1, Michelle Borba shares her pivotal moment of realization about the importance of empathy in youth culture, triggered by the Columbine High School massacre in 1999. She embarked on a journey to understand youth violence and authored a bill to prevent school shootings. However, it was an encounter with a student that shifted her focus to empathy. Borba traveled extensively, studying and interviewing to understand the concept of goodness and found that empathy is the key. She emphasizes that empathy is crucial for happiness, success, and societal contribution. She expresses concern over the decline in empathy and rise in narcissism among today's youth, dubbing it 'the selfie syndrome.' Borba advocates for raising 'unselfies' and promoting empathy as an essential part of education and personal development.

05:02

🌱 Cultivating Empathy Through Real Experiences

Paragraph 2 delves into the transformative power of empathy through real-life experiences. Borba shares the story of Darren, a boy who, despite a troubled past, found a moment of empathy in a Roots of Empathy class. She highlights the importance of close, personal moments for empathy development and criticizes the digital age for reducing such opportunities. Borba suggests practical ways to foster empathy, such as creating 'unplugged' times and promoting face-to-face interactions. She also discusses the Seeds of Peace International Camp, which brings together teenagers from conflict-ridden regions to foster understanding and peace through shared experiences and activities that strengthen human connections.

10:04

🌈 Practicing Empathy Habits for a Peaceful Society

In paragraph 3, Borba emphasizes the importance of practicing empathy habits to create a more peaceful society. She describes her visit to the Seeds of Peace camp, where she witnessed the power of empathy in action among teenagers from around the world. The camp's focus on human connection and breaking social barriers is shown to be effective in fostering long-lasting friendships and peace advocacy. Borba stresses that empathy is a learned habit that needs practice and that small acts of empathy can lead to significant changes in perception and behavior. She encourages the audience to practice empathy habits to open their hearts and see others as fellow human beings, not enemies.

15:05

💌 The Impact of Personal Connection and Empathy

Paragraph 4 recounts Borba's experience in Rwanda, where she distributed backpacks to deaf-mute orphans, highlighting the profound impact of a simple handwritten note on one child. This story illustrates the basic human need for connection and empathy, regardless of circumstances. Borba warns against compassion fatigue, suggesting that focusing on positive stories can keep empathy alive. She concludes by urging the audience to practice empathy habits, start with one person, and recognize the importance of human connection in advancing society. Borba sees empathy as the best investment for the future, emphasizing the need to prioritize people skills in a world that often overlooks them.

Keywords

💡Empathy

Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. In the video, empathy is presented as the cornerstone for fostering human connection, compassion, and social responsibility. The speaker emphasizes that empathy is not just a soft skill but a critical component for personal and societal success. The video uses the example of a classroom where children learn to observe and respond to the emotions of others, illustrating how empathy can be taught and practiced.

💡Self-absorption

Self-absorption refers to an excessive focus on one's own interests and experiences, often at the expense of others. The video discusses the rise of narcissism and self-absorption among youth, termed 'selfie syndrome,' which is seen as detrimental to the development of empathy. The speaker suggests that this trend is part of a broader cultural shift away from interpersonal connection and towards individualism.

💡Bullying

Bullying is the act of using force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively dominate others. The video connects the decline in empathy among children to an increase in bullying behavior. It suggests that fostering empathy is a key strategy for reducing bullying, as it promotes understanding and compassion towards others.

💡Narcissism

Narcissism is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy for others. In the context of the video, narcissism is highlighted as a growing issue among young people, which is inversely correlated with empathy. The speaker argues that as narcissism rates rise, empathy declines, leading to a more self-centered and less compassionate society.

💡Roots of Empathy

Roots of Empathy is a program mentioned in the video that aims to teach empathy to children. It is described as a unique and effective approach that involves children in active, real-life scenarios where they can observe and respond to the emotions of others. The program is credited with reducing bullying and increasing empathy among participants, demonstrating the potential for empathy to be cultivated through education.

💡Seeds of Peace

Seeds of Peace is an international camp for teenagers from regions of conflict, designed to foster understanding and peace through empathy and human connection. The video describes how this program brings together young leaders from diverse backgrounds to learn skills like communication, collaboration, and perspective-taking, which are essential for breaking down barriers and building empathy.

💡Perspective-Taking

Perspective-taking is the act of attempting to understand the feelings, thoughts, and motivations of another person. In the video, perspective-taking is presented as a key skill that can be taught and practiced to enhance empathy. It involves stepping into another's shoes to better understand their experiences and emotions, which is a critical component of the Seeds of Peace program.

💡Compassion Fatigue

Compassion fatigue refers to the emotional and physical exhaustion that can result from exposure to the suffering of others over time. The video discusses the risk of compassion fatigue in a world where negative news is constant, suggesting that it can lead to a numbness or closing off of empathy. The speaker advocates for focusing on positive stories and individual acts of kindness to maintain empathy in the face of overwhelming global issues.

💡Human Connection

Human connection is the bond or relationship between people, often based on mutual understanding, shared experiences, and empathy. The video emphasizes the fundamental need for human connection and how it is threatened by a decline in empathy. It showcases examples, such as the Rwandan orphanage story, where a simple act of kindness and a handwritten note can create a powerful emotional bond, illustrating the importance of human connection in fostering empathy.

💡Cultivating Empathy

Cultivating empathy refers to the process of actively developing and strengthening one's capacity for empathy. The video argues that empathy is not just an innate trait but can be cultivated through practice and intentional actions. It suggests various strategies, such as creating opportunities for face-to-face interaction, engaging in activities that promote understanding of others, and modeling empathetic behavior, as ways to cultivate empathy in both children and adults.

Highlights

The speaker's unforgettable moment shifted her focus from youth violence to empathy.

Empathy is defined as the ability to feel with another human being.

Empathy is highly correlated with predicting real happiness and success.

Empathy activates our heart, making us more likely to be compassionate and courageous.

Empathy is the best antidote to bullying, racism, and fostering understanding.

There is a serious crisis of empathy in today's youth, with a 40% decrease in empathy and a 58% increase in narcissism over the last 30 years.

The concept of 'unselfies' is introduced as a counter to the 'selfie syndrome'.

Empathy is not just soft and fluffy; it's an integral and essential piece of humanity.

We are hardwired to care, and we need to exercise our empathy muscles.

Kids provided the best answers on how to open up hearts and practice empathy.

A classroom in Fort McMurray, Canada, teaches emotional intelligence and empathy.

The Roots of Empathy program has been proven to reduce bullying and increase empathy.

Empathy is a verb that needs to be active, meaningful, and real.

The importance of unplugging and having face-to-face interactions to learn empathy.

A unique summer camp in Otis Ville brings together teens from war-torn areas to practice empathy and break down prejudice.

Seeds of Peace International Camp has been successful in fostering peace and understanding among its participants.

Practicing habits of the heart, such as communication and collaboration, is essential for empathy.

The miracle of empathy occurs when one's heart opens to see another not as an enemy but as a human being.

Empathy starts with one person and can spiral into a larger impact.

To avoid compassion fatigue, look for the helpers and the good stories.

Empathy is the best investment we can make for our future, advancing people skills over other forms of power.

Three ideas worth spreading: practice habits of the heart, start with one, and keep empathy open.

Transcripts

please welcome to the stage Michelle

borba

we all have our own forgettable moments

mine was April 20th 1999 I was watching

the Columbine High School massacre

unfold and I realized it was a seismic

shift happening at our culture and our

children's world and I I spent the next

few years studying youth violence I went

all over studying it then I wrote a bill

on how to prevent school shootings I was

presenting those recommendations to the

assembly when all of a sudden my next

unforgettable moment happened it was a

team with very baggy jeans walks by me

holding him pants up so they wouldn't

fall and yells out great speech now what

could this kid possibly like about what

I said all this stuff about teaching

people to care that's the stuff we need

to learn you know the goodness stuff

bingo on the spot this kid was right and

he changed my entire mindset for the

next 17 years I was on a search to find

the answer my my journey took me far and

wide I walked the killing fields I went

to Dachau ash wits talked to some of the

most brilliant scientists in the world

and I and I also interviewed hundreds of

kids I found the answer the answer to

goodness is empathy the ability to feel

with another human being and why would

you want to empathize so let me count

the ways folks number one it's very

highly correlated to predicting our real

happiness and success it what also

activates our heart so we're more likely

to step in be courageous be

compassionate be contributing members of

society so we can realize our world but

it's also the best antidote we have

right now to stopping bullying ending

racism and opening up the doors to each

other it's our hope for Humanity and

that's why I'm concerned you see we have

a serious crisis from zip codes from

coast to coast and that is in the last

30 years today's kids are 40 percent

lower in empathy and in the same 30

years their narcissism rates have

increased fifty-eight percent call it

the selfie syndrome folks but what we're

dealing with is self-absorption kills

empathy what we need to be doing is

raising unselfie is not selfies number

two we need to start putting up close

and

on our agendas empathy because to me

it's the best seeds we can move to

really restore humanity and it's my

contention that empathy is anything

other than soft and fluffy it is an

integral essential piece that we have

got to start realizing we can cultivate

because the other best thing about all

of this is that though we're hardwired

to care don't think it's an 8 we need to

exercise our empathy muscles so now the

next question is how how do we open up

our hearts and surprisingly it was a few

more kids who gave me the best answers

if we listen to kids these are the ideas

we should spread first idea was in Fort

McMurray Canada way far north the

superintendent told me you just have to

go and visit this classroom it's really

amazing classroom they're learning

emotional intelligence there so I was

curious I walked in sat down at the end

of a great big green rug and for the

next 30 minutes I began to first listen

to the kids who were busy giving me

instructions step one is they said about

their teacher stay still he startles

really easily oh don't look sad he'll

cry I bet becoming a little concerned

about this teacher when all of a sudden

the door opens and in walks a mom

carrying her baby she puts the baby in

the middle of the rug and I sit back and

I watch in absolute awe the most

brilliant lesson I've ever seen in

empathy question number one was from the

real teacher

how does Clara seem to be feeling today

and all the kids they were tuning in

they were observing they were watching

her emotions and boy they had it well

she looks a little anxious how do you

know because your hands are in fists

well maybe we should all smile to make

Clara feel better and the little one

next to me says Clara's learning empathy

and deed that it wasn't just Clara it

was the group of thirty third graders

who were also tuning in the program is

unique its roots of empathy it's by Mary

Gordon hundreds of kids have been

exposed to it thousands but here's the

real thing nine studies already proved

that it reduces bullying and increases

empathy but why it's because the kids

were actively experiencing and

witnessing empathy big mistake we make

is okay kids now fill out the worksheet

we're going to learn empathy

it's nine o'clock let's talk about

empathy no we got a weave it in because

it's up-close personal moments as the

kids would tell me first idea empathy is

a verb it needs to be active it needs to

be meaningful it needs to be real and

when we have those kinds of moments

they're usually spontaneous

they can also be transformational

example was Darren Darren was struggling

in school he was held back two years he

his mother was murdered in front of him

when he was four he lived in a series of

foster homes he wanted everybody to

think he was tough but inside this kid

was hurting but he was also in a roots

of empathy class and that day when a

mother brought her baby she shared with

the kids that her child didn't like to

be coddled and surprisingly it was

Darren who walked up and asked if he

could hold her baby and the mother

little apprehensive Lee gave Darren the

baby in which case he walked over to a

side and he gently rocked this child

over and over over and over until he

walked back to the mother and asked the

question if you've never been loved do

you think you can still be a good father

empathy moments can transform us on the

inside so we see ourselves and we see

others in a different light but it's

always those up-close VirB kind of

moments that are critical and that's why

we should all be worried because those

up close verb Qaeda moments are

disappearing or in a generation that

rather text and talk the average child

is now plugged in about seven and a half

hours a day our infants our little

Clara's are now one third of them using

iPads and we are we are conveying our

emotions by circling emojis well folks

you don't learn empathy facing a screen

which just means the first step of all

of this the kids would say is we kind of

tuned in we get a tune in a little more

so that we can do the seeds of empathy

read how the other person is feeling

there's lots of ways to do it doesn't

have to be hard or expensive

it's just intentional like creating some

unplugs digital times in your home or in

your office or do what one fraternity

did and change their whole life they set

a new rule the new rule is when you go

out to dinner you everybody put your

cell phone in the middle of the table

and the first person to touch your cell

phone pays every

vetti else's restaurant belt they

reclaimed the art of conversation very

quickly first thing is folks we got to

get on board here with empathy we got to

do what the kids said and remember

empathy is a verb but that's not the

only idea there's two more if we're

going to reactivate our hearts

you see we also know we're more likely

to empathize with those in our own

social hub people were familiar with so

how do we open our hearts to them or

even better yet how do we break down

prejudice and stop hate once again it

was kids who had the answer but this

time it was a most unique summer camp

now picture it because it's kind of

Norman Rockwell ish it has a sparkling

lake it has the woods

it's an Otis Ville name it's a camp like

we all went to that has archery and

canoeing but what's different are the

campers they're 14 to 16 year old teens

they've been selected for their

leadership abilities and they're flown

in from all over the world in war-torn

areas now just imagine they come in from

Israel Palestine Jordan Egypt

Afghanistan Pakistan India as well as

the United States and Britain and they

come in for three weeks to this camp and

which was founded 30 years ago by

somebody I think is a real visionary his

name was John Wallach a reporter who

said forget the adults we're never gonna

get to him the conflicts are going to

keep going how about we reach the kids

we get to the kids earlier and maybe

they can be a seed a seed who can go

back and plant peace in their own

countries as a future leader sounds

idealistic but it's working 30 years

later they've been tracking kids

University of Chicago and a very large

significant portion not only have made

friends with the other side a person you

have been taught to hate your entire

life but 30 years later they're

continuing to advocate for peace so why

does it work first it is called the

seeds of peace international camp and it

is a miracle place when I visited what I

saw instantly was everything from the

activities to the atmosphere to the

skills these kids were learning was all

about strengthening

human connection everything the other

thing that I saw that was over and over

again is that they were breaking out

their social hubs so the kids were

starting to stand over and meet somebody

who was them for instance they ate they

slept they also talked together they

learned skills skills that open up your

hearts that's the thing we may be also

be forgetting to do empathy is made up

of habits habits that we need to work on

what did these kids learn communicating

collaborating perspective-taking so they

could step into the other person's shoes

one of the most amazing things I saw at

this camp were signs everywhere that

were taped to the doors and on the woods

that said stop and talk stop and talk

and I looked at those signs like oh my

god we should be mandatory in our homes

our schools or our communities because

it's the first step you got to be aware

the other person exists but what these

kids were doing was practicing empathy

habits see you first develop empathy

then you practice it and if you practice

it enough then you can live it slowly

the kids said very slowly your heart

begins to open up it takes time they

said you know takes time because you've

been taught your whole life they hate

that guy but because you keep practicing

those habits pretty soon the moment

happens I said what's the moment he said

the moment is the miracle stuff your

heart opens and you see the person not

as an enemy but another human being it's

a real miracle the teens also said when

you leave here you're changed from the

inside out you'll never be the same

I saw the miracle that day this and I

said and looked at this and go my god

this is also what we all should be doing

can you imagine a more peaceful society

when we practice we practice habits of

heart and those kids would also say the

key to keep in mind is that the real

miracle is practicing them the motto of

this camp is the way life should be the

way life could be and I looked at it and

when that's exactly what we could be

doing practicing those habits so they

open our hearts but the idea we're

spreading is we got to practice habits

we that's not the only one there's one

more and the last habit I learn

turned the last idea were spreading

actually happened in Rwanda a place for

vicious vicious horrific stuff had

happened and just imagine in 100 days

over 800,000 people were massacred in

the most horrific horrific genocide this

is neighbors killing neighbors so if you

ask me what's the real danger of empathy

going down when empathy wanes so does

humanity we've also got to keep in mind

folks that we have got ourselves in such

a narrow view of what success is these

days it's like this it's all a metric of

success that it's a GPA or an SAT let's

widen it so it's also humanity 101 that

there's genius stuff on the other side

of the report card and we also better

start prioritizing this stuff I mean we

don't prioritize it when's the last time

you saw a parent with a bumper sticker

on the back of the card that said proud

parent of a kind kid it's low on our

agendas let's raise it up

we don't even exercise our heart so

we're good at doing everything else we

go to the gym we cart our kids to this

and this and this and this

we're on everything moan demand but we

don't practice those habits of we that

kids would say we're so essential and if

we did can you imagine how the world

would be a better place the way life

could be Rwanda though was where I

learned the third idea I was visiting an

orphanage these children were just

incredible kids but they were all deaf

mute children whose parents had

abandoned them their grandparents were

slaughtered in a genocide and I was

distributing nothing more than very very

simple little backpacks that were packed

by kids back home what was in them Oh a

notepad a ruler a pencil gum little

stick a candy and the kids were so

excited to get these backpacks as they

started just pouring everything out

because of course they didn't own a

backpack but I watched one little guy

off to the side and I kept watching him

pull and pull and pull until he was

almost in a frantic mode what did he

need you know like more candy or was he

looking for another stick of gum

noop and he kept looking until all of a

sudden

it was the finding the one other thing

that each child had had in their

backpack was a handwritten note from a

child back home and that was the only

thing he was looking for that

handwritten note when he pulled it on

ever was that he pulls this note so so

carefully and then opens it and start to

read the words and I walked a little

closer to him and I read behind his

shoulder and boy they were pretty simple

hi

I'm 10 I live in Minnesota and I packed

this backpack for you I hope you like it

because I was thinking about you your

new friend from the United States mark

he read it again and again and then he

held it so so carefully against his

heart he turns to look at me and I'm I'm

a basket case

he points to my tears and he points to

his and then he signs the word for love

i sat there and went oh my gosh here's

the moment of moments when I'm with him

we are emotionally in sync they're rare

they're spontaneous and they're priests

quick but I was feeling for him but I

also realized at that moment that is the

basic human need for every child and

every grown-up from poverty to privilege

just the human connection and that's the

piece that seemed to be doing dling we

can keep our hearts open for so many

different ways but one of the things is

just starting with one one child is what

activates our heart working with one

person just feeding one person in an in

a food bank just starting with one think

big but start small folks and we can

reactivate our hearts so well there's

one other thing that there's a danger

that we better worry about and that is

what's called compassion fatigue we see

so much of the doom and gloom of the

world today on closed-caption TV that's

constant how do you keep your empathy

open so it doesn't create that numbness

you do what mr. Rogers would tell you to

do look for the helpers look for the

good ones look for the caring look for

the compassionate their stories are

always on the back pay

age by the way there there on the back

page of the newspaper what we got to do

is cut those stories out and give them

to our kids give them to our colleagues

keep our empathy open mother Teresa said

something absolutely brilliant she said

when I look at the mass all the numbers

all that are suffering I'll never act

but if I look to one I will

empathy starts with one it's the

spiraling trajectory that we can open up

our hearts but we got to keep in mind

something that's so critical empathy is

what makes us better people and put the

empathy is the best investment we can

make for our future empathy not

technological power industrial strength

and military might but human capital

what we need to do is advance people

people skills and that's what we seem to

be lying dormant with these days we're

putting everything into everything else

but ourselves now there's hope folks

there's hope we can make a difference I

know it because I've seen it but with

the kids would tell you to do is just

remember three ideas worth spreading

idea number one is practice habits of

heart just remember those habits but

keep practicing them over and over again

think of empathy as just we not me but

also think of empathy as a verb it's

real it's meaningful it's active but

it's always always face-to-face

connection and finally do one more thing

just start with one if you start with

one your heart will open it will

continue to and the most amazing thing

you pass it on to another person

compassion is courageous for the way

life could be and should be I hope

you're with me thank

you