Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen - A Visual Summary

Summary

In this video, the importance of effectively receiving feedback is discussed, drawing insights from Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen's book 'Thanks for the Feedback.' The script outlines strategies to manage emotional responses to feedback, categorizes feedback into coaching, evaluation, and appreciation, and addresses common pitfalls like 'switch tracking.' It also emphasizes the value of setting boundaries and the significance of one's response to feedback, suggesting techniques to enhance self-awareness and improve feedback interactions.

Takeaways

• 😟 Feedback can trigger unpleasant emotions due to uncertainty and the potential for negative comments.
• 🔍 The book 'Thanks for the Feedback' by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen focuses on improving the reception of feedback rather than giving it.
• 🤔 Three emotional response categories to feedback are identified: truth triggers, relationship triggers, and identity triggers.
• 🚫 Truth triggers occur when one feels the feedback content is incorrect or unjust.
• 👥 Relationship triggers are linked to one's perception and feelings towards the feedback giver.
• 🆔 Identity triggers challenge an individual's sense of self.
• 🗣️ Awareness of one's emotional responses to feedback is crucial for effective communication.
• 📈 Feedback can be categorized as coaching (for learning), evaluation (for assessment), or appreciation (positive recognition).
• 🔁 'Cross transactions' can happen, where the type of feedback received does not match the type desired.
• 🪞 The concept of 'mirrors' in feedback is introduced, with supportive and honest mirrors being two useful perspectives.
• 🔄 Blind spots in feedback can be reduced by discussing intentions and impacts separately.
• 🚦 'Switch tracking' is a pitfall in feedback conversations where the discussion veers off-topic; staying on track is essential.
• 🌐 A systems view of relationships can help in understanding how individual and collective perspectives shape feedback dynamics.
• 🧠 Understanding one's typical response to feedback through a 'well-being curve' can aid in self-awareness and improvement.
• 🛑 Establishing boundaries for feedback is important for maintaining emotional health and setting clear expectations in relationships.

Q & A

What is the main focus of the book 'Thanks for the Feedback' by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen?

The main focus of the book 'Thanks for the Feedback' is on how to receive feedback well, rather than giving feedback.

What are the three categories of emotional reactions to feedback identified by the authors?

The three categories of emotional reactions are truth triggers, relationship triggers, and identity triggers.

What are truth triggers in the context of receiving feedback?

Truth triggers are gut reactions where one feels that the content of the feedback received is not true or incorrect.

How do relationship triggers affect one's response to feedback?

Relationship triggers are influenced by one's relationship with the giver of feedback, including beliefs about the giver and feelings about how one is treated.

What do identity triggers challenge in the context of feedback?

Identity triggers challenge one's sense of self and can evoke strong emotional responses when one's core identity is perceived as being questioned.

What are the three types of feedback discussed in the book?

The three types of feedback are coaching, evaluation, and appreciation.

What is a cross transaction in the context of feedback?

A cross transaction occurs when there is a mismatch between the type of feedback one expects and the type one receives, such as wanting coaching but only receiving evaluation.

What is the purpose of discussing 'mirrors' in feedback conversations?

Discussing 'mirrors' refers to the type of reflection the feedback giver provides, either a supportive or an honest mirror, to help the receiver understand the situation as seen by the giver.

How can one address the gap between one's understanding and another person's in feedback conversations?

One can address the gap by discussing intentions and impact separately, recognizing that both are relevant but distinct aspects of the feedback.

What is switch tracking in feedback conversations?

Switch tracking is when a person in a feedback conversation intentionally or unintentionally changes the direction of the conversation to avoid addressing the original feedback.

What is the three-step back approach suggested by the authors for understanding relationship dynamics in feedback?

The three-step back approach involves identifying the intersection of personal tendencies, examining the roles each person plays in the relationship, and looking at the broader context including other players and environmental factors.

How can one respond to feedback in a way that is beneficial for both personal growth and maintaining healthy relationships?

One can respond to feedback by understanding their typical response pattern, setting boundaries, and giving oneself a second score that reflects how they handle the feedback, rather than just the feedback itself.

Why is it important to establish boundaries when receiving feedback?

Establishing boundaries is important to protect one's emotional well-being and to maintain healthy relationships by controlling who is allowed to provide feedback and on what topics.

Outlines

00:00

🔍 Understanding Feedback and Emotional Responses

This paragraph introduces the concept of feedback and its impact on our emotions. It acknowledges the discomfort that often accompanies receiving feedback and the uncertainty or negativity associated with it. The paragraph highlights the book 'Thanks for the Feedback' by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, which focuses on improving our ability to receive feedback effectively. The authors categorize emotional reactions to feedback into three types: truth triggers, relationship triggers, and identity triggers. Truth triggers are gut reactions to feedback perceived as untrue, relationship triggers involve the dynamics with the feedback giver, and identity triggers challenge one's sense of self. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of recognizing these emotional responses to engage more skillfully in feedback conversations.

05:06

🗣️ Navigating Feedback Conversations

Paragraph two delves into the complexities of feedback conversations, particularly in work environments and personal relationships. It discusses the three types of feedback: coaching, evaluation, and appreciation, and the potential for 'cross transactions' where the type of feedback received does not align with what is needed or desired. The paragraph introduces the concept of 'mirrors' in feedback, differentiating between a supportive mirror that encourages and an honest mirror that reflects the situation as seen by the giver. It also touches on the importance of recognizing blind spots in self-perception and the need for a holistic view of situations. The paragraph suggests techniques for maintaining focus in feedback conversations, such as 'sign posting' to keep the discussion on track and the value of a systems view in understanding relationship dynamics.

10:12

🌟 Embracing Feedback for Personal Growth

The final paragraph emphasizes the personal impact of feedback and the strategies for responding to it effectively. It discusses the concept of an 'emotional acre' and the importance of setting boundaries for one's emotional well-being. The paragraph suggests sketching a 'well-being curve' to understand individual responses to feedback and encourages self-reflection on how feedback affects one's sense of well-being. It introduces the idea of giving oneself a 'second score' that reflects not just the feedback received but also one's reaction to it. The paragraph concludes with a call to action for viewers to explore the book further for more insights and strategies on handling feedback and to consider learning visual note-taking skills for better idea comprehension.

Keywords

💡Feedback

Feedback refers to the responses or reactions that one receives from others regarding their actions, performance, or ideas. In the context of the video, feedback is portrayed as an integral part of personal and professional growth. The video emphasizes the importance of understanding and effectively responding to feedback, whether it's positive or negative, to foster improvement and development. The script discusses various types of feedback, such as coaching, evaluation, and appreciation, and how they can impact an individual's sense of identity and relationship dynamics.

💡Truth Triggers

Truth triggers are gut reactions that occur when someone feels that the feedback they receive is inaccurate or untrue. This concept is introduced in the video as one of the emotional responses to feedback that can hinder effective reception. The video suggests that recognizing these triggers can help individuals understand their initial reactions to feedback and work towards addressing them constructively.

💡Relationship Triggers

Relationship triggers are emotional responses to feedback that are influenced by the relationship one has with the person providing the feedback. These triggers can color the way feedback is received and interpreted, based on one's perception of the giver and the dynamics of the relationship. The video discusses how these triggers can affect the reception of feedback and the need to be aware of them to engage in more productive feedback conversations.

💡Identity Triggers

Identity triggers are emotional responses that challenge an individual's sense of self. These triggers are deeply personal and can evoke strong reactions when feedback seems to question or threaten one's core identity. The video highlights the importance of recognizing these triggers to better understand one's emotional responses to feedback and to work on integrating feedback into one's self-perception in a healthy way.

💡Coaching

Coaching, as a type of feedback, is aimed at helping someone learn, grow, or change. It is characterized by a supportive and developmental approach. The video discusses coaching as one of the three categories of feedback, emphasizing its role in facilitating personal and professional development. It also touches on the potential challenges that can arise when there is a mismatch between the type of feedback one expects (coaching) and what is actually received (evaluation).

💡Evaluation

Evaluation, in the context of feedback, involves assessment, ranking, or providing information on one's standing or performance. It is one of the three types of feedback discussed in the video. Evaluation is more formal and often objective, focusing on outcomes and results. The video points out that while evaluation can be valuable, it can also lead to misunderstandings if the recipient is seeking coaching or appreciation instead.

💡Appreciation

Appreciation, as a form of feedback, is about acknowledging and recognizing someone's efforts, contributions, or achievements. It is often expressed through words like 'thank you' or 'I see you.' The video includes appreciation as one of the three feedback categories and discusses its importance in reinforcing positive behaviors and fostering a sense of value and recognition.

💡Supportive Mirror

A supportive mirror is a metaphor used in the video to describe a type of feedback that is encouraging and uplifting. It is the kind of feedback that focuses on the positive aspects and aims to boost confidence and morale. The video suggests that having a conversation about the type of mirror one needs (supportive or honest) can help in achieving a balance in the feedback received and in setting appropriate expectations.

💡Honest Mirror

An honest mirror, in contrast to a supportive mirror, is a type of feedback that is straightforward and truthful, even if it may be uncomfortable. It is about providing an accurate reflection of the situation without sugarcoating. The video discusses the importance of honest feedback for personal growth and the need for a conversation between the giver and receiver to establish the boundaries and expectations for such feedback.

💡Blind Spot Amplifiers

Blind spot amplifiers are factors that exacerbate the gaps in self-perception and how others perceive us. One example mentioned in the video is the difference between impact and intent. We tend to judge ourselves based on our intentions, while others judge us by the impact of our actions. The video suggests discussing both impact and intent separately to gain a more comprehensive understanding of oneself and to improve the feedback process.

💡Well-being Curve

The well-being curve is a concept introduced in the video to help individuals understand their typical response to feedback. It involves mapping out how one's sense of well-being changes in response to positive or negative feedback and recognizing the duration and intensity of these emotional responses. The video encourages using this curve as a tool for self-awareness and to communicate one's feedback response patterns to others for better understanding and support.

Highlights

Feedback is an undeniable component of life.

The book 'Thanks for the Feedback' by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen focuses on receiving feedback well.

Emotional reactions to feedback can be categorized into truth triggers, relationship triggers, and identity triggers.

Truth triggers are gut reactions when feedback feels untrue.

Relationship triggers involve the dynamics and feelings towards the feedback giver.

Identity triggers challenge one's sense of self.

Awareness of emotional responses is key to engaging skillfully in feedback conversations.

Feedback types include coaching, evaluation, and appreciation.

Cross transactions occur when the type of feedback received doesn't match the type desired.

The concept of 'mirrors' in feedback involves supportive versus honest reflections.

Blind spots in feedback can be amplified by focusing on impact versus intent.

Switch tracking is a pitfall where conversations veer off-topic in feedback discussions.

Meta-conversation involves maintaining perspective and staying on track in feedback dialogues.

Identifying the relationship system is crucial for understanding feedback within a relationship context.

Learning how one's temperament affects feedback response is essential for personal growth.

The well-being curve helps understand individual responses to positive and negative feedback.

Dismantling distortions involves giving oneself a second score on how feedback is handled.

Setting boundaries for feedback is important for emotional well-being and maintaining healthy relationships.

The book encourages selective openness to feedback by using the concept of an 'emotional acre'.

Establishing feedback boundaries can be done with appreciation and firmness, using 'and' instead of 'but'.

The author's personal experiences highlight the importance of responding well to feedback in various life aspects.

Transcripts

How well do you respond to feedback? If  you're like me (and perhaps most people),  

the mere concept of getting feedback immediately  starts to bubble up some not-so-pleasant emotions.  

That could be because of the uncertainty around  what that feedback might be. It could be because  

of the assumption that at least some of that  will be negative feedback. But no matter how you  

currently think about and respond to feedback,  it's undeniable that feedback itself is a huge  

component of life. And in the book Thanks for  the Feedback, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen help  

us get better at receiving it. This is a book not  about giving feedback, but receiving it well. And  

in this video I'd like to sketch out some of the  ideas that stood out to me from that book. When  

it comes to those emotional reactions that you  might have in response to any piece of feedback,  

the authors identify these three helpful  categories. The first they call truth triggers.  

This is that gut reaction that you have when you  feel like the content of whatever feedback you  

receive simply isn't true. It's wrong. And maybe  you feel wronged in response. The second category  

is relationship triggers, and these responses have  to do with the relationship that you have to the  

giver of feedback. The feedback is colored by  what you believe about the giver or how you feel  

treated by the giver, as well as what you feel  about the relationship between the two of you. And  

the third category is identity triggers. These hit  at your sense of who you are, and they challenge  

it. What I found helpful about this breakdown  is that it gets you to start thinking about,  

and even feeling into, your emotional responses to  feedback, to perhaps identify why it is you have  

the particular emotional response that's cropping  up. Is something you believe being challenged? Is  

there something about the relationship that feels  a bit messy? Or is there some piece of your core  

identity that's being challenged? So ramping up  your awareness of how you respond to feedback  

I think is one of the first steps in achieving  the goal of this book, which is simply to engage  

skillfully in the conversation. These triggers are  obstacles that get in the way of that. In addition  

to being aware of your emotional response, it's  also helpful to examine what type of feedback  

you're actually receiving. Here we find another  trio of coaching as one category of feedback,  

where the purpose is to help someone learn,  grow, or change. Evaluation is the second  

category of feedback, which involves some sort of  assessment or ranking or letting you know where  

you stand. And the third category of feedback  is appreciation: saying "thank you," "I see  

you," and "I know how hard you're working." One  difficulty that can arise in any sort of situation  

that involves giving and receiving feedback (think  perhaps about your work environment - your boss,  

your co-workers) - it's easy for what the  authors call cross transactions to take place,  

where perhaps what you want is coaching but  the only thing you're getting is evaluation.  

Or maybe the other way around - you don't  really feel like you want coaching right now,  

you first just need to know where you stand.  So similar to how those three categories of  

triggers help you identify why you're maybe  responding to feedback in the way that you are,  

these three categories of feedback help you to  see first of all how general the term feedback is,  

and also maybe identify what it is that you're not  getting but you need. Is there a healthy balance  

of these three types of feedback? One way you  might get to that balance is having a conversation  

about mirrors - the type of mirror that the  feedback giver might hold up. The authors compare  

a supportive mirror, where the feedback generally  has this tone of encouragement and support,  

versus an honest mirror, where the feedback  giver is encouraged to describe the situation  

exactly as they see it. Both of these mirrors are  useful. As the receiver, sometimes you need that  

supportive mirror. Other times, it's that honest  mirror that's going to give you the feedback  

you need to take certain steps forward in your  life. But as the giver it's pretty hard to jump  

to that honest mirror, so having a conversation  about it and maybe even as the receiver giving the  

giver permission to be an honest mirror is worth  doing sometimes. Another component of feedback  

conversations (as you think about some past set of  actions or interactions) is how big of a gap there  

potentially is between your understanding  of that situation and the other person's,  

how there can be blind spots between how you see  yourself and how others see you. And the authors  

identify a handful of blind spot amplifiers, one  of which is impact versus intent. We tend to judge  

ourselves based on our intentions. Other people  tend to judge us by our impact. Both are relevant.  

Both are important. But they are separate things,  which is why the authors suggest that you talk  

about each individually. Have a conversation  about intentions and then have a conversation  

about impact. That can help both parties get a  more holistic view of the situation. One common  

pitfall of feedback conversations looks something  like this. One person takes the conversation down  

a particular track. An example they give is a  man who buys his wife roses, despite the fact  

that on multiple occasions she has stated that she  doesn't like nor does she want to receive roses,  

with the feedback being "you don't listen to me."  Instead of addressing that feedback the husband  

tries to take it in a different direction,  saying "You don't appreciate me. Look I just  

got you flowers." that's an example of switch  tracking, where one person in the conversation  

intentionally or unintentionally veers off  in a new direction. The suggestion here is  

to maintain kind of a high-level perspective of  the conversation. Notice when it starts to veer  

off in a new direction and use sign posting to say  something like "Okay, I hear you bringing up this  

topic here, which I do want to address, but first  let's finish this discussion about the topic we  

started with." And that type of meta-conversation  is probably one of the hardest thing things to do  

in a feedback conversation, but also one of the  most valuable - paying attention to the different  

threads of the conversation and making sure you  don't get off track. Anytime a relationship is  

part of the feedback dynamic, those threads  can get even more intertwined, not just the  

threads of the conversation but also the wider  threads of the relationship itself. And here the  

authors suggest that you identify the relationship  system, recognizing that each of you *are* part of  

the problem and each of you only *sees* part of  the problem. They suggest this three-step back  

approach, where first you identify the you-and-me  intersections - how are each of your personalities  

or tendencies playing off of each other. Then a  second step back to look at the roles that you  

each play in the relationship. And then a third  step back to look at the big picture - who are  

the other players, what are the other processes,  what's the role of the environment? Having that  

type of systems view of a relationship is one  of those things, like intentions and impact,  

that helps you get a more holistic view of the  situation, and help you see together how you'd  

like to move forward. When it comes to identity  triggers, the authors encourage you to learn how  

your wiring and temperament affect your story.  One way you can do that is to sketch out this  

well-being curve for yourself by thinking  about how you typically respond to feedback,  

understanding that you'll have some baseline  to your overall sense of well-being that will  

increase in response to positive feedback but  decrease in response to negative feedback, and  

how it's worth paying attention to the duration  of that bump of well-being or dip in well-being  

(and it's likely that the dip will last longer  than the bump), as well as how big that swing up  

and the swing down is. That's a way of getting  to know your typical response pattern, which I  

think can be helpful both for you individually to  recognize that that's how you respond to feedback,  

and it might also be worth bringing up in your  important relationships so that they know how  

you respond to feedback, recognizing that your  current response pattern isn't fixed. There's a  

whole chapter on dismantling distortions, those  ways in which you exaggerate feedback in a way  

that makes the dip lower and longer than it  maybe needs to be. One technique within that  

realm is this concept of giving yourself a second  score. The first score is the feedback itself,  

on your latest work project, on how you handled  that challenging situation at home, and it might  

not be great. The second score, which the authors  encourage you to pay just as much attention to,  

is how you respond to that feedback. Do you reject  the feedback outright, or do you explore it,  

explore what it brings up in you, explore the  broader situation to understand how truthful the  

feedback is? The first score is something that you  can't control. The second one you can, at least in  

part, so make that second score that you give  yourself a part of your identity, as opposed to  

the first score. And as much as this book is about  receiving feedback well, it's not about letting  

every single person into your emotional life and  allowing them to do whatever they want. Here they  

bring in an idea from Anne Lamott, that we're  each born with an emotional acre, and you get to  

choose who to let in, and that you can in fact set  boundaries around that space. And how establishing  

limits on the feedback you get is crucial both  to your own well-being and to the well-being of  

the relationship. Some examples they give of what  those boundaries might sound like: "I may not take  

your advice" or "I don't want feedback about that  subject, not right now" or even going so far as  

"Stop or I'm gonna leave this relationship." And  in the setting of any particular boundary, there  

is the opportunity to both show appreciation to  the feedback giver (as appropriate) and being firm  

in the boundary you set. And they specifically  encourage to use the word "and" as opposed to  

"but" so that you get both of those things across.  "I appreciate your concern *and* I'm choosing to  

do things this way." As I look at these ideas here  and think about the decade or so that I've been  

putting my creative work out on YouTube, the three  years that I've been married, the year and a half  

that I've been a dad, it's so easy to see how big  of a role my response to feedback has in my life.  

And I think this book has made a big difference  in helping me respond well to feedback. There  

are a whole lot of ideas and strategies that  I didn't have the space to explore here, so if  

you've enjoyed what I've shared I encourage you  to go pick up the book yourself. And if you enjoy  

this visual way of working with ideas, that's the  skill that I teach at www.verbaltovisual.com. So  

if you'd like to learn how to sketch out the ideas  in the next book you read, go check out those  

resources. And if you're not already, subscribe  here on YouTube to see some more sketched goodness  

of whatever books I dig into next. Thank you  so much for watching. Talk to you again soon.