Good Enough Is Good Enough

Summary

British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott introduced the concept of 'good enough' to combat perfectionism and its detrimental effects on mental health. He argued that striving for an unattainable ideal leads to unnecessary suffering. Instead, he encouraged parents to accept being 'good enough,' a principle that extends to all areas of life, including relationships and work. By acknowledging that our ordinary lives are heroic in their own right, we can find contentment and escape the trap of perfectionism.

Takeaways

• 🌟 High ambitions are essential, but they can lead to unnecessary panic and trouble if not managed properly.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Donald Winnicott's work emphasized the importance of being 'good enough' in parenting, rather than striving for an unattainable ideal.
• 🤔 Parents often feel like failures due to excessive hope and perfectionism, which can be detrimental to their mental health.
• 👶 No child requires a perfect parent; they need a decent, well-intentioned, and reasonably consistent one.
• 💡 The concept of 'good enough' is a tool to combat the pressures of perfectionism and to maintain a balanced state of mind.
• 💑 Relationships can be 'good enough' even with their flaws, such as occasional arguments or periods of loneliness.
• 💼 A 'good enough' job might not be perfect but can still provide satisfaction, friendships, and a sense of accomplishment.
• 🏆 The bravery and skill required to maintain an ordinary life are often underappreciated and are, in fact, quietly heroic.
• 🤝 It's important to acknowledge and appreciate the 'good enough' aspects of our lives as a significant achievement.
• 🌐 The School of Life is a global organization with campuses around the world, offering classes, books, and resources on various life topics.

Q & A

What is the main issue addressed by Donald Winnicott in his work with parents?

Donald Winnicott addressed the issue of parents feeling like failures due to excessive hope and perfectionism, which led to despair and unnecessary panic.

What term did Winnicott introduce to help parents cope with their perfectionist tendencies?

Winnicott introduced the term 'good enough' to help parents feel that they were doing an adequate job, rather than striving for an unattainable ideal.

How does Winnicott's concept of 'good enough' apply to relationships?

A 'good enough' relationship may have its challenges and dark moments, but it can still be considered satisfactory and fulfilling, without needing to be perfect.

What is the implication of a 'good enough' job according to the script?

A 'good enough' job may have periods of boredom and not fully utilize all one's talents, but it can still provide a sense of accomplishment, friendships, and excitement.

What does the script suggest is the key to maintaining a 'good enough' life?

The script suggests that bravery, skill, and perseverance are key to maintaining a 'good enough' life, acknowledging the challenges of love, work, and children.

Why did Winnicott believe that striving for perfectionism is counterproductive?

Winnicott believed that perfectionism leads to a toll on mental health and that accepting 'good enough' is a more realistic and healthier approach to life.

How does the script define the concept of 'good enough' in the context of parenthood?

In the context of parenthood, 'good enough' means being a pretty decent, well-intentioned, and reasonably good parent, without needing to be an ideal parent.

What is the broader application of the 'good enough' concept mentioned in the script?

The 'good enough' concept can be applied to various aspects of life, such as work and love, to accept and appreciate what is satisfactory without the pressure of perfection.

What does the script suggest about the importance of acknowledging our achievements?

The script suggests that it is important to step back and acknowledge that our lives are 'good enough,' recognizing this as a significant and grand achievement.

What is the School of Life mentioned in the script and where can one find more about it?

The School of Life is a global organization with campuses around the world offering classes and resources on emotional intelligence. More information can be found by clicking on the provided link.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 The Concept of 'Good Enough'

This paragraph introduces the idea that while high ambitions are valuable, they can lead to unnecessary stress and disappointment. British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, who focused on parent-child relationships, recognized that many parents felt like failures due to their perfectionist tendencies. He proposed the concept of being a 'good enough' parent, suggesting that children do not need perfect parents but rather ones who are decent, well-intentioned, and reasonably patient. This idea is not about settling for less but about accepting the human condition and reducing the pressure of unrealistic expectations. Winnicott's philosophy can be applied broadly to life, including relationships and work, suggesting that 'good enough' is often more than sufficient and should be celebrated as a significant achievement.

Keywords

💡Perfectionism

Perfectionism is the pursuit of flawlessness and setting exceptionally high standards for oneself. In the video, it is presented as a source of trouble and panic, particularly for parents who feel like failures due to not meeting unrealistic expectations. The video suggests that perfectionism can be counterproductive and lead to unnecessary despair.

💡Good Enough

The concept of 'good enough' is introduced as an antidote to perfectionism. It suggests that striving for an acceptable rather than an ideal standard can be more beneficial for mental well-being. In the video, it is applied to parenthood, suggesting that children do not need perfect parents, but rather 'good enough' ones who are decent and well-intentioned.

💡Parent-Child Relationship

The parent-child relationship is central to the video's discussion, as it is the context in which Donald Winnicott developed his ideas. The video emphasizes that parents should not strive for an unattainable ideal but rather aim to be 'good enough', which includes moments of frustration and imperfection.

💡Despair

Despair is depicted as a consequence of unmet expectations and perfectionism in the video. It is the negative emotional state that arises when parents feel they are failing their children due to perceived inadequacies, such as not providing the best opportunities or maintaining a perfect household.

💡Self-Acceptance

Self-acceptance is the act of embracing one's imperfections and accepting oneself as 'good enough'. The video argues that in order to maintain sanity, individuals must learn to not hate themselves for failing to meet the standards of perfection, which are unattainable for ordinary humans.

💡Work-Life Balance

Work-life balance is mentioned in the context of a 'good enough' job, which may not be perfect but provides a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. The video suggests that even a job with its share of boredom and challenges can be considered 'good enough' if it contributes positively to one's life.

💡Relationships

Relationships are discussed as being 'good enough' despite their imperfections. The video normalizes the idea that relationships can have dark moments, lack of communication, and arguments, yet still be considered valuable and satisfactory.

💡Ordinary Life

The concept of an ordinary life is presented as something that requires bravery and skill to maintain. The video challenges the notion that an ordinary life is less valuable, suggesting that persisting through the challenges of love, work, and children is a quietly heroic endeavor.

💡Heroic Endeavor

Heroic endeavor is used to describe the effort it takes to lead an ordinary life. The video reframes the idea of heroism to include the daily struggles and perseverance in maintaining relationships, work, and family life, which are often overlooked in favor of grand achievements.

💡Non-Starry-Eyed

The term 'non-starry-eyed' is used to describe a realistic and grounded approach to acknowledging one's life as 'good enough'. The video encourages viewers to step back and appreciate their lives without the unrealistic expectations that come with a 'starry-eyed' view of success.

💡School of Life

The School of Life is mentioned as an actual organization with campuses worldwide, offering classes and resources on various aspects of life. It is presented as a place where people can explore and learn about the themes discussed in the video, such as managing expectations and finding contentment in an ordinary life.

Highlights

High ambitions can lead to trouble and panic.

Donald Winnicott's approach to reducing perfectionist impulses.

Winnicott's focus on parent-child relationships.

Parents feeling like failures due to high expectations.

The concept of 'good enough' as a counter to perfectionism.

No child needs an ideal parent, just a 'good enough' one.

The idea of 'good enough' as a defense against the pressure of perfectionism.

The toll of perfectionism on mental health.

Learning not to hate ourselves for not being perfect.

The 'good enough' concept's applicability beyond parenthood.

Accepting a relationship with its dark moments as 'good enough'.

A 'good enough' job may not be perfect but can still bring satisfaction.

Bravery and skill required to maintain an ordinary life.

Acknowledging the quiet heroism in perseverance through life's challenges.

The importance of recognizing when our lives are 'good enough'.

The School of Life as a global educational institution.

The School of Life offers classes, books, and more across ten campuses worldwide.

Transcripts

High ambitions are noble and important, but there can also come a point when they become

the sources of terrible trouble and unnecessary panic. One way of undercutting our perfectionist impulses

was pioneered by a British psychoanalyst called Donald Winnicott

in the 1950s. Winnicott specialised in relationships between parents and children. In his clinical

practice, he often met with parents who felt like failures: perhaps because their children

hadn’t got into the best schools, or because there were sometimes arguments around the

dinner table or the house wasn’t always completely tidy. Winnicott’s crucial insight

was that the parents’ agony was coming from a particular place: excessive hope. Their

despair was a consequences of a cruel and counterproductive perfectionism. So as to

help them reduce this, Winnicott developed a charming phrase:

his parents needed to feel that they were "good enough parents",

No child, he insisted, needs an ideal parent. They just need an OK, pretty

decent, usually well intentioned, sometimes grumpy but basically reasonable father or

mother. Winnicott wasn’t saying this because he liked to settle for second-best, but because

he knew, from first hand, the toll exacted by perfectionism – and realised than in order to remain more

or less sane (which is a pretty big ambition already) we have to learn not to hate ourselves

for failing to be what no ordinary human being ever really is anyway. The concept of ‘good

enough’ was invented as an escape from dangerous ideals. It began in relation to parenthood,

but it can actually be applied across life more generally, especially around work and love.

A relationship may be ‘good enough’ even while it has many dark moments. Perhaps at times there’s

little sex and a lot of heavy arguments. Maybe there are big areas of loneliness and non-communication.

Yet none of this should lead us to feel freakish or unnaturally unlucky. It can be good enough.

Similarly, a ‘good enough’ job will be very boring at points, it won’t perfectly

utilise all our merits; we won’t earn a fortune. But we may make some real friends,

have times of genuine excitement and finish many days tired but with a sense of true accomplishment.

It takes a good deal of bravery and skill to keep even a very ordinary life going. To

persevere through the challenges of love, work and children is quietly heroic. We should

perhaps more often sometimes step back in order to acknowledge in a non-starry-eyed

but very real way that our lives are good enough – and that this is, in itself, already

a very grand achievement.

Did you know that the School of Life is actually a place.

Ten places infact, campus' all over the world. From Melbourne to London, Taipei to Istanbul.

With classes and books and lots more. Please click on the link below to explore more.