How can I fix my partner?
Summary
TLDRIn this episode of 'Real Talk with Daada,' AD DuLa, Emmanuel discusses the common yet unhealthy dynamic of one partner attempting to 'fix' the other in a relationship. He emphasizes the importance of distinguishing between supportive behavior and the futile effort of trying to change someone's core personality or habits. The conversation highlights the emotional toll of being a 'fixer,' the resistance it often meets, and the potential damage to one's self-esteem and identity. Emmanuel advises on setting healthy boundaries, accepting partners as they are, and knowing when to walk away from a relationship that becomes a source of constant strain and disappointment.
Takeaways
- 😀 The podcast 'Real Talk with Daada' focuses on relationship topics, including navigating marriage and understanding the dynamics of fixing a partner.
- 🔧 The concept of someone being 'broken' and needing to be 'fixed' by their partner is explored, highlighting the potential for resistance and disappointment.
- ⚖️ There's a distinction between supporting a partner, which is healthy, and trying to fix them, which can lead to emotional strain and unrealistic expectations.
- 🚫 The idea of being a 'fixer' in a relationship is discouraged because it can result in the partner feeling unappreciated and can negatively impact their self-esteem and identity.
- 💔 The act of trying to fix someone can lead to resentment and strain in the relationship, as the person being 'fixed' may feel inadequate or threatened.
- 🤝 The importance of acceptance in a relationship is emphasized, where partners should appreciate each other without the need to change one another.
- 📍 Setting healthy boundaries is crucial when supporting a partner, ensuring that the support does not cross over into an attempt to change the person fundamentally.
- 🚶♂️ It's advised to walk away from a relationship if the other party is resistant to change and continues to engage in behaviors that are deal-breakers.
- ❌ The key takeaway is that one cannot fix anyone; instead, the focus should be on supporting and guiding each other towards a healthier relationship.
- ⏰ Recognize the thin line between support and fixing, and understand that enabling bad behaviors can also have a toll on oneself.
Q & A
What is the main theme of the 'Real Talk with Daada' podcast?
-The main theme of the 'Real Talk with Daada' podcast is discussing various aspects of relationships, particularly focusing on marriage and navigating through its challenges.
Why is it important to distinguish between 'supporting' and 'fixing' a partner in a relationship?
-It's important to distinguish between 'supporting' and 'fixing' a partner because supporting involves healthy encouragement and emotional backing without imposing change, while fixing implies an unrealistic expectation to alter the partner's personality or habits, which can lead to resistance, disappointment, and emotional strain.
What are the potential negative outcomes for someone who tries to 'fix' their partner?
-Potential negative outcomes for someone who tries to 'fix' their partner include resistance from the partner, feelings of being unappreciated, burnout for the 'fixer', emotional strain, and a decrease in the partner's self-esteem and identity.
How can a person support their partner in a healthy way according to the podcast?
-A person can support their partner in a healthy way by providing emotional support, helping with goals, and not imposing changes. It's about being there for the partner without attempting to alter their core personality or habits.
What is the role of acceptance in a relationship where one partner feels the need to 'fix' the other?
-Acceptance plays a crucial role as it allows the partner who is being 'fixed' to understand that the other is not trying to change them but is instead offering support to help them grow and improve.
Why is setting healthy boundaries important when one partner wants to 'fix' the other?
-Setting healthy boundaries is important because it clarifies the intentions of the supporting partner, ensuring that they are not trying to change the other person's lifestyle or ways, but are instead aiming to foster a better version of themselves together.
What should a person do if they encounter resistance while trying to 'fix' their partner?
-If a person encounters resistance while trying to 'fix' their partner, they should consider walking away because the relationship is becoming unhealthy and the issues they are trying to address might be deal breakers.
How does the podcast suggest dealing with deep-seated issues in a partner that they are not ready to change?
-The podcast suggests that if a partner has deep-seated issues they are not ready to change, it's important to recognize one's limits as a supporter and not take on the role of a 'fixer'. It's crucial to understand that some issues are beyond one's capacity to address.
What is the key takeaway from the podcast regarding trying to 'fix' someone in a relationship?
-The key takeaway is that one cannot fix anyone, and it's important to recognize the difference between support and fixing. If resistance is met, especially on deal-breaking issues, it might be necessary to walk away for one's own well-being.
How can a person ensure they are not enabling bad behaviors while supporting their partner?
-A person can ensure they are not enabling bad behaviors by setting clear boundaries, focusing on supporting positive changes, and not tolerating behaviors that are harmful or toxic to the relationship.
Outlines
🤔 The Pitfalls of Trying to 'Fix' a Partner
In this segment, AD DuLa, Emmanuel discusses the common yet problematic tendency in relationships where one partner feels the need to 'fix' the other. He emphasizes that while it's natural to want to support and help one's partner, the act of trying to change them fundamentally is both unhealthy and unrealistic. Emmanuel points out that this behavior can lead to resistance, disappointment, and emotional strain for both parties. He distinguishes between 'supporting', which is a healthy way to contribute to a partner's growth, and 'fixing', which is an attempt to alter their personality or habits. The key takeaway is the importance of acceptance and setting healthy boundaries in relationships. Emmanuel advises that if a person is not willing to be supported or is resistant to change, it's crucial to walk away for the sake of one's own emotional well-being.
🚫 Setting Boundaries and Walking Away When Necessary
The second paragraph continues the discussion on the dangers of trying to 'fix' a partner, stressing that one cannot fix someone who does not want to be supported. It highlights the importance of recognizing when certain behaviors are deal-breakers and the need to set personal boundaries. Emmanuel advises that if a person consistently exhibits harmful behaviors, such as lying or disrespecting their partner in public, and shows no willingness to change, it's time to consider walking away from the relationship. He encourages listeners to reflect on their own relationships and to distinguish between supporting a partner and enabling harmful behaviors. The main message is that one should not take on the role of a 'fixer', but rather focus on fostering a healthy, supportive relationship where both parties are willing to grow and change together.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Fixing
💡Supporting
💡Resistance
💡Burnout
💡Boundaries
💡Acceptance
💡Self-esteem
💡Identity
💡Deal Breaker
💡Emotional Strain
💡Resentment
Highlights
The podcast 'Real Talk with Daada' focuses on relationship topics, including navigating marriage.
The show emphasizes the importance of truth in relationships and is not for those who shy away from it.
Today's topic discusses the desire to 'fix' a partner, which can lead to resistance and disappointment.
Supporting a partner is healthy, while trying to change them is not; this is referred to as 'fixing'.
Attempting to fix someone can lead to emotional strain and burnout for the person trying to make the changes.
The person being 'fixed' may resist and feel unappreciated, affecting their self-esteem and identity.
Resentment can build in a relationship when one partner feels they are not good enough as they are.
It's crucial to understand the difference between supporting and fixing a partner.
Setting healthy boundaries involves communicating that you are not trying to change your partner's lifestyle.
If a partner is resistant to change, it may be necessary to walk away for the health of the relationship.
Some individuals have deep-seated issues that they are not ready to change, and it's not the role of a partner to 'fix' them.
The key takeaway is that you cannot fix anyone; you can only support them if they are willing to be supported.
Meeting resistance is a sign that the relationship may be unhealthy, and it might be time to walk away.
It's important to have personal boundaries and to know your deal breakers in a relationship.
Supporting a partner should be about encouraging good things and not enabling bad ones.
The podcast encourages listeners to consider the thin line between support and fixing in their relationships.
Guiding a partner towards a healthier relationship is more effective than trying to change them.
The host invites listeners to ask questions and engage in conversation about the topic.
Transcripts
hello everyone my name is AD dula
Emmanuel this is real talk with daada
and real talk with that
podcast um we bring you different
relationship talks you know marriage how
you can navigate and all those things
that's basically what we do here and
it's real life talk meaning that if you
don't want the truth you don't need to
be here but I know everybody wants the
truth right so today we'll be talking
about a very important topic saying he's
broken I like to fix him she's broken I
like to fix him this is where one
partner feels the need to change the
other right that's what it means when
when you talk about someone being broken
and then you want to fix it you think
it's on you to fix the person you know
it's like common situation where people
find themselves I get it I get it you're
trying to make a better version of
someone right and this often sometimes
leads to different things either from
you it could lead to resistance it could
lead to you being disappointed because
you're trying to fix the person and then
it could now start having a
psychological effect on you so there are
two things this thing does when you're
trying to fix someone you're either
trying to say okay I'm trying to support
the person which is now not fixing but
or I'm fixing the person so supporting
in the actual way is a healthy way right
that's the healthy aspect of you
supporting your partner and this kind of
thing is maybe you're supporting the
goals you're supporting the emotional
support you know and you're not sounding
imposing right trying to change someone
fixing however is the contract where you
have the idea of okay you're trying to
change this person's call personality
you're trying to change this person's
habit you want to change the person's
value you know you want to change a
person's Behavior just because you think
you can take the role of a fixer right
and this actually has an emotional toll
on anybody trying to do that because
it's an unrealistic expectation this is
where you get disappointment this is
where you're burnt out and then you you
have an emotional strain on you because
really you're trying to do something and
then the person would definitely resist
it it would resist it it's just normal
right when you're trying to fix somebody
now we're not saying supporting we're
saying fixing the person and when you're
trying to do this I mean the person
becomes resistant right because he
doesn't want it it feels unappreciated
then you the fixer now starts getting
burned out we now start having emotional
restrain which is also not a good thing
then the thir thing this thing does to
you is that the impact on that person
that you're fixing now has lot of
self-esteem and then identity because
when you're doing this you're making the
person think the person is not good
enough you're making the person feel
like okay I do not truly love you unless
you do certain things and this is where
resentment and relationship strain comes
in when you're trying to fix someone
then be ready to get the other side of
the person because the person starts
resenting you the person start feeling
you know threatened like okay I'm not
good enough and stuff like that so there
are certain input there are certain
things that you have to learn when
you're trying to you know balance this
thing out you have to learn that there
is the importance of acceptance this
person must be able to accept that she's
not trying to fix me or he's not trying
to fix me as it way but she's trying to
support me and make me a better person
then when you're doing this fixing to
you need to set healthy boundaries
healthy boundaries by explaining to the
person you're trying to support that
we're doing this together I'm not trying
to change your lifestyle I'm not trying
to change your ways I'm not trying to
change you know I'm not trying to change
you but I just wanted to be a better
person because when you do this and it
it brings out fruit I mean it turns out
okay then the better for you but if
you're doing this and then you're facing
resistance all the time then you have to
walk
away because then the relationship
becomes unhealthy there are some people
that actually have some you know some
some issues that you know that is deep
these issues are even deeper than you
they've had this issue before they met
you and they're not ready to change this
things and you are there thinking that
ah no all right he will change it will
change these are the things we are
trying to talk about we saying that you
need to be able to
identifyed you cannot be the fixer you
see
one party has to be willing to be to be
supported and if that party doesn't want
to be supported then you cannot take the
place of being a fixer because either
way fixing is is really not the right
way to do it you either support the
person or you get to understand that
these things are
unhealthy very unhealthy and you cannot
deal with it do you understand so what
am I saying today I'm saying
that the key takeaways today is that you
can't fix anybody number one number two
is when this when you meet resistance
and especially when you know that these
things you're trying to talk about is
not receiving the attention or is not is
coming with
resistance and if these things are your
own deal breaker you need to walk away
because you know your deal breaker only
you know okay no I can't deal deal with
his you know let's take for example
someone that lies all the time to you
you know calls black whites all the time
and you keep telling this person that I
don't like you when you lie you know can
you just tell me the truth you know I'll
take it like that and then this has
become the
norm and you think you can fix that kind
of person you need to have your own
boundaries because after a while you
start getting burnt out take for example
someone's that is always always ready to
insult you in front of people always
ready to in front you insult of his
friends or our friends you know the
remains you just make you feel like
you're not important and you want to fix
that kind of person why would you want
to stay in an healthy relationship
because at the end of the day it makes
you bond out what am I saying you cannot
take the place of a fixer you can't you
either support the good things and and
make sure you support the good things
but you cannot afford to enable the bad
ones because this already this also
would have a toll on you yourself
encourage you today right to consider
what you're trying to fix in your
partners because there a thin line
between support and fixing so I'm trying
to say that as you're supporting your
partner you're not trying to change them
you're not trying to change them to suit
you but you're trying to make them a
better person and guiding them towards
having healthier relationship together
because this is a theme thing so get
this straight I'm saying that can't fix
someone that is broken if the person is
I would I don't want to use the word
mend if the person is okay right you and
the person doesn't come with resistance
you can talk about some things and then
you support the person but you cannot
fix someone that is broken you can fix
someone that is not is not ready to to
take your um your advice you need to
walk away because at the end of the day
you are better for it thank you once
again it's always always nice to have
this conversation with you you can throw
in your questions like I say all the
time throw your questions if there's
anything you want to ask just talk about
it let's talk about it and always ensure
that you subscribe thank you once again
I am here just minding my father's
business don't forget to PR bye
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