Need a Fresh Start? How to Master a Life Transition | Bruce Feiler | TEDxIEMadrid

Summary

In this inspiring talk, the speaker shares a personal journey of transformation sparked by a life-altering phone call about their father's suicide attempt due to Parkinson's disease. The narrative explores the concept of life as a story and the impact of 'life quakes'—significant disruptions that redirect our paths. Through research and interviews, the speaker identifies patterns in life transitions, offering five practical tips to navigate change, emphasizing the importance of storytelling as a tool for healing and self-discovery.

Takeaways

• 📞 The speaker's life was profoundly impacted by a phone call informing them of their father's suicide attempt, highlighting the power of communication.
• 🤝 The father's struggle with Parkinson's disease and multiple suicide attempts underscore the importance of mental health awareness and support for those with chronic illnesses.
• 🔥 The concept of a 'spark' to reignite one's life story is introduced as a means to help individuals find meaning and joy amidst life's challenges.
• 🧠 The script emphasizes that our life story is not just a part of us, but it fundamentally defines who we are, suggesting the narrative we create about our lives shapes our identity.
• 🔄 The idea of a linear life is debunked, proposing that life is better understood as a series of non-linear transitions and changes.
• 🌪️ Life transitions, or 'disruptors,' are common and can be both voluntary and involuntary, with the average person experiencing dozens throughout their life.
• 🌀 The pandemic is described as a 'collective involuntary life quake,' affecting everyone globally and necessitating new ways of coping and adapting.
• 🛠️ Life transitions are presented as a skill that can be learned and mastered, with the speaker offering five tips to navigate these periods effectively.
• 💡 The power of storytelling is highlighted as a tool for healing and personal growth, allowing individuals to rewrite their life narratives and find a new sense of self.
• 🌟 The speaker concludes by encouraging everyone to embrace their role as the hero in their own life story, suggesting that overcoming life's challenges is an essential part of personal development.

Q & A

What was the turning point in the narrator's father's life?

The turning point was when the narrator sent his father a question about the toys he played with as a child, sparking a series of storytelling that changed his life.

How does the narrator suggest we rethink our approach to life stories?

The narrator suggests that we should view life stories as non-linear and full of transitions, rather than following a single, predetermined path.

What does the narrator mean by 'life quakes'?

Life quakes refer to massive bursts of change that lead to periods of upheaval, transition, and renewal in a person's life.

How many disruptors, or life changes, does the average person experience in their lifetime?

The average person goes through three dozen disrupters in their lifetime, with one occurring every 12 to 18 months.

What are the three phases of a life transition according to the narrator?

The three phases are the long goodbye (mourning the past), the messy middle (shedding and creating new habits), and the new beginning (unveiling the new self).

What is the narrator's first tip for mastering a life transition?

The first tip is to begin with your transition superpower, which is the phase of the transition process you are best at.

Why is it important to accept emotions during a life transition?

Accepting emotions is important because it acknowledges the emotional experience of the transition and allows for healthier coping mechanisms.

How does trying something new during the 'messy middle' phase help in a life transition?

Trying something new helps in shedding old habits and creating space for creativity, which can lead to envisioning a new self.

Why is seeking wisdom from others crucial during a life transition?

Seeking wisdom from others is crucial because it helps combat feelings of isolation and provides different perspectives, which can aid in navigating the transition.

What is the significance of rewriting one's life story during a life transition?

Rewriting one's life story is significant as it allows individuals to make meaning of their experiences, add new chapters, and maintain control over their narrative.

What is the 'transition superpower' and why is it beneficial to leverage it?

The 'transition superpower' is the phase of the transition process one is most adept at. Leveraging it is beneficial as it allows individuals to start the transition with confidence and build momentum.

How does the narrator's father's story exemplify the power of storytelling in life transitions?

The narrator's father's story exemplifies the power of storytelling by showing how recounting life-affirming memories through writing helped him find meaning and purpose during a difficult time.

Outlines

00:00

📞 Life's Turning Point

The speaker shares a personal story about a life-changing phone call from their mother, revealing the father's suicide attempts due to Parkinson's disease. This event led to a profound realization about the importance of narrative in one's life. The speaker embarks on a journey to understand how people find meaning, balance, and joy, especially when their life stories are disrupted. The narrative emphasizes the power of personal stories and the impact of a single question that can spark change.

05:01

🔄 The End of Linear Life

The speaker discusses the outdated concept of a linear life trajectory, challenging the traditional view of life as a series of predictable stages. They highlight the historical and cultural shifts in how life's journey is perceived, from cyclical in ancient times to the industrial linear model of the 20th century. The speaker introduces the idea that life is better understood as non-linear, with multiple transitions and disruptions, and that this understanding is crucial for navigating the complexities of modern life.

10:01

🌪️ Navigating Life Quakes

The speaker delves into the concept of 'life quakes,' significant disruptions that lead to periods of upheaval and transition. They share findings from extensive research, including interviews across the United States, revealing that individuals face an average of three dozen life transitions, with some leading to profound changes. The speaker introduces the idea that life transitions are a skill that can be mastered, offering five tips to help individuals navigate these challenging periods effectively.

15:04

🌱 Embracing Change and Growth

The speaker offers advice on how to manage life transitions, emphasizing the importance of beginning with one's strengths, accepting emotions, trying new things, seeking wisdom from others, and rewriting one's life story. They share personal anecdotes and examples from their research to illustrate the transformative power of storytelling and the resilience of the human spirit. The narrative concludes with a call to see life transitions not as obstacles but as opportunities for growth and self-discovery.

Keywords

💡Life Story

A 'life story' refers to the narrative that individuals construct about their own lives, encompassing their experiences, beliefs, and self-identity. In the video, the concept is central to understanding how people perceive and navigate through life's transitions. The speaker uses the example of his father, who, after suffering from Parkinson's disease, found a new purpose by recounting his life story, which helped him regain a sense of meaning and direction.

💡Parkinson's Disease

Parkinson's Disease is a neurodegenerative disorder that affects movement and can lead to significant physical and psychological challenges. In the script, the speaker's father is diagnosed with Parkinson's, which becomes a catalyst for his multiple suicide attempts and eventual rediscovery of life's meaning through storytelling.

💡Disruptors

In the context of the video, 'disruptors' are events or circumstances that significantly alter a person's life trajectory. The speaker mentions creating a 'deck of disruptors' to categorize the various types of life changes people can experience, such as job loss or a serious illness. These disruptors can lead to periods of upheaval and transition, prompting individuals to reassess and redefine their life stories.

💡Life Quake

A 'life quake' is a term used to describe a massive, disruptive change that leads to a period of upheaval, transition, and renewal. The speaker explains that while most life disruptors are manageable, one in ten becomes a life quake, which can last for an average of five years and significantly impact a person's life narrative.

💡Transition Superpower

The 'transition superpower' refers to an individual's innate ability or preference for handling a specific phase of a life transition. The speaker identifies three phases of transition: the long goodbye, the messy middle, and the new beginning. Recognizing one's superpower can help in navigating life changes more effectively, as it allows individuals to leverage their strengths during challenging periods.

💡Non-Linear Life

The concept of a 'non-linear life' challenges the traditional notion of a linear progression through life stages. The speaker argues that life is more complex and unpredictable, with multiple transitions and changes that do not follow a set order. This idea is supported by historical perspectives on life stages and the current reality of people experiencing various life transitions throughout their lives.

💡Autobiographical Occasion

An 'autobiographical occasion' is a moment or event that prompts individuals to reflect on and revise their life story. The speaker uses this term to describe the process of making sense of life transitions by integrating new experiences and lessons into one's personal narrative. This process is exemplified by the speaker's father, who wrote a memoir after being prompted to recount his life experiences.

💡Messy Middle

The 'messy middle' is one of the three phases of a life transition, characterized by the shedding of old habits and the creation of new ones. It represents a period of uncertainty and change where individuals must let go of past patterns to make space for new experiences and growth. The speaker suggests that embracing this phase can lead to creative and transformative actions.

💡Rituals

In the video, 'rituals' are practices or actions that individuals engage in to cope with and mark significant life transitions. These can range from writing in a journal to get through fear and sadness, to more symbolic acts like getting a tattoo or skydiving. Rituals serve as a way to process emotions, signal readiness for change, and provide a sense of control and purpose during times of upheaval.

💡Seeking Wisdom

The concept of 'seeking wisdom' from others is highlighted as a crucial aspect of navigating life transitions. The speaker emphasizes the importance of not facing transitions alone and suggests that sharing experiences with others can provide comfort, guidance, and new perspectives. This process can help alleviate feelings of isolation and provide valuable insights for coping with change.

Highlights

Phone call from the speaker's mother revealing the father's suicide attempt due to Parkinson's disease.

The realization that a simple question about childhood toys could reignite the father's will to live.

The importance of personal life stories in achieving meaning, balance, and joy.

The concept that life is the story we tell ourselves, deeply ingrained by our brain research.

The challenge of finding one's way when the plot of our life story feels misplaced or disrupted.

The speaker's own life upheavals, including cancer, bankruptcy, and his father's crisis, leading to a quest for understanding life transitions.

The 'Life Story Project', a comprehensive study collecting life stories from people across the United States.

The outdated notion of a linear life path and the reality of a non-linear life with multiple transitions.

The historical perspective on life stages and how they have evolved from cyclical to linear models.

The average person experiences dozens of 'disruptors' in life, with some leading to significant 'life quakes'.

The pandemic as a collective involuntary life quake affecting the entire planet.

Life transitions are a skill that can be mastered, with five key tips provided by the speaker's research.

The three phases of life transitions: the long goodbye, the messy middle, and the new beginning.

The importance of starting a transition with one's 'superpower' phase to build confidence.

Accepting emotions as a crucial part of navigating life transitions.

The value of trying new things during the 'messy middle' phase to make room for change.

Seeking wisdom from others to combat isolation during life transitions.

Rewriting one's life story as a meaning-making exercise after a significant transition.

The metaphor of 'lupus in fabula', embracing the wolf (challenge) to become the hero of our own story.

Transcripts

i used to have a saying that phone calls

don't change your life

until one day i got a phone call that

did

it was from my mother your father is

trying to kill himself

he's what my dad was a son of the

american south

a navy veteran and civic leader he was

never depressed a minute

until he got parkinson's six times

in 12 weeks my dad attempted to end his

life

we tried every solution imaginable until

one day i had a thought

maybe my dad needed a spark to restart

his life story

one morning i sent him a question tell

me about the toys you played with as a

child

what happened next changed not only him

but everyone

around him and led me to rethink how we

all achieve meaning

balance and joy in our lives

this is the story of what happened next

and what we all

can learn from it

i want you to stop for a second and

listen to the story

going on in your head it's there

somewhere in the background it's the

story you tell others

when you first meet them it's the story

you tell yourself

every day it's the story of who you are

where you came from where you're going

it's the story of your life

what we've learned from a generation of

brain research is

that story isn't just part of you it is

you

in a fundamental way life is the story

we tell ourselves but there's a question

that research hasn't much answered

what happens when we misplace the plot

of that story

when we feel sidetracked by a pitfall a

pothole

a pandemic what happens when we feel

burned out

and want a fresh start what happens when

our fairy tales

go awry that's what happened to my dad

that fall

to me around that time to all of us at

one time or another

we get stuck in the woods and can't get

out

this time though i wanted to learn how

to get

unstuck

like my dad i was born in the american

south for years i had what i now think

of

as a linear life i went to college

i started writing i did it for no money

for a while i had some success

i got married and had children but then

in my 40s i was just walloped by life

first i got cancer as a new dad of

identical twin daughters

then i almost went bankrupt then my dad

had that suicide spree for a long time

i felt shame and fear about these events

i didn't know how to tell that story and

didn't want to

when i did i discovered that everyone

feels their life has been upended in

some way

that their life is somehow off schedule

off track

of kilter that the life they're living

is not the life they expected they're

living life

out of order i wanted to do something

to help over three years i crisscrossed

the country

collecting what became hundreds of life

stories of americans

in all 50 states people who lost limbs

lost homes changed careers changed

genders

got sober got out of bad marriages

in the end i had a thousand hours of

interviews 6

000 pages of transcripts

with a team of 12 i then spent a year

coding these stories

for 57 different variables

looking for patterns that could help all

of us in times of change

i call this the life story project

and here's what i learned

lesson number one the linear life

is dead the idea that we're going to

have one job

one relationship one source of happiness

from adolescence to assisted living

is hopelessly outdated what's more

even that idea itself turns out to be a

historical anomaly

though we don't talk about it enough the

way we look at the world

affects how we look at our lives

in the ancient world they didn't have

linear time they thought life was a

cycle

because agriculture was a cycle

in the middle ages they thought life was

a staircase up to middle age

then down no new love at 60 no retiring

and opening an airbnb

at 70. not until the birth of science

150 years ago did we adopt the idea

that life proceeds in a series of stages

like an industrial factory

freud's psychosexual stages erickson's

eight stages of moral development

the five stages of grief these are all

linear

constructs this model reaches its peak

in the 1970s with the idea that

everyone does the same thing in their

20s the same thing in their 30s

then has a midlife crisis between 39

and 44 and a half it's hard

to overstate how powerful this idea was

there's only one problem it's not true

today we've updated how we look at the

world

we understand there's chaos and

complexity and networks

but we haven't updated how we look at

our lives

which leads to lesson number two

the non-linear life involves many more

life transitions i went through every

interview i conducted and created a

master list

of all the ways our lives can get

redirected

i called these events disruptors

the total was 52 so i created the deck

of disruptors

some of them are small like breaking

your ankle or a fender bender

some of them are large losing your job

moving

the average person goes through three

dozen disrupters

in the course of their lives that's one

every 12 to 18 months

now most of these we get through with

relative ease

but one in 10 becomes what i call a life

quake

a massive burst of change that leads to

a period of upheaval

transition and renewal

the average person goes through three to

five of these events

in the course of their lives their

average duration

five years do the math that means we

spend

25 years half our adult lives

in transition

and make no mistake these do not clump

exclusively

in middle age some of us are born into

life quakes

some of us have them in our 20s our 60s

forget the midlife

crisis we all face the whenever life

crisis

the pandemic has made this only worse

i craft all life quakes on two polls

voluntary

involuntary personal collective

a mere eight percent were collective

involuntary life quakes

a collective involuntary life quake is a

natural disaster

a recession what's unique about this

moment in time

the pandemic is the first time in a

century that the entire planet

is going through a collective

involuntary life quake at the same time

every single one of us is in transition

and yet no one is teaching us how to

navigate these times

which leads to lesson number three life

transitions are a skill

we can and must master

what i'd like to do for you today is to

give you five tips based on my research

for how to master a life transition tip

number one

begin with your transition superpower

one way to think about a life quake is

as a physical blow

life puts us on our heels the life

transition puts us back

on our toes and yet when most of us

enter one we feel completely overwhelmed

either we make a 212 item to-do list and

say we'll get through it in a weekend or

we lie in a fetal position and say we'll

never get through it

both of them are wrong look at enough of

these periods

and certain patterns become clear

for starters life transitions involve

three phases

i call them the long goodbye when you

mourn the past that's not coming back

the messy middle in which you shed

certain habits and create new ones

the new beginning in which you unveil

your new self

but let's be clear these phases do not

happen

in order just as life is non-linear

life transitions are non-linear too

instead each of us gravitates to the

phase we're best at

our transition superpower and gets

bogged down in the phase we're weakest

at

our transition kryptonite half of us

don't like the messy middle but others

excel at it

maybe you're good at making lists and

analyzing your options perfect

start there one in four of us

don't like the long goodbye maybe we're

people pleasers or we

are uncomfortable leaving difficult

situations

others excel at that perfect start there

the point is transitions are hard begin

with your superpower

gain confidence move on from there

tip number two accept your emotions

in addition to three phases i identified

the seven

tools we use to navigate a life

transition

the first accept that the transition is

an emotional experience

i looked hundreds of people in the eye

and asked what's the biggest

emotion you struggled with in your time

of change

number one answer fear how am i gonna

get through this how am i gonna pay my

bills

number two answer sadness i miss my

loved one i miss being able to walk

number three shame i'm ashamed i have to

ask for help i'm ashamed what i did when

i drank too much

now some of us cope with these emotions

by writing them down

others like me buckle down and try to

push through

but eighty percent of us ate zero use

rituals

we sing dance hug

after mayard howell left his job in big

pharma to open a gym

he tattooed breathe on his right hand

and happy on his left

i knew i couldn't go back to my

corporate job once i did that

lisa ray rosenberg had a horrible year

in which she lost her job

had a falling out with her mother and

went on 52 first dates

something has to change she said her

biggest fear

heights so she jumped out of an airplane

a year later she was married with a

child

rituals like these are especially

effective in the long goodbye

because they're statements to ourselves

and those around us

that i'm going through a difficult time

and i'm ready for what comes

next tip number three

try something new the messy metal is

messy

it's disorienting and destabilizing now

what

my data show we do two things during our

time in the wilderness

first we shed things mindsets routines

habits like animals who molt we cast off

parts of our personality

sparr who has ocd had to shed his

reliance on a paycheck when he left his

family's business to open a non-profit

that uses art therapy

lee winds an executive who went through

cancer career change and a divorce all

at the same time

had to shed her habit that the minute

she walked in the door she opened the

fridge

she lost 60 pounds

shedding allows us to make room for what

comes next

which is astonishing acts of creativity

at the bottom of our lives we dance cook

garden take up ukulele

army sergeant zach herrick had his face

blown off by the taliban

31 surgeries between his nose

and his chin he experienced suicide

ideation but then at his mom's

suggestion

he started to cook then write poetry

then paint i used to get out my

hostility by splattering the enemy with

bullets he told me

now i get out my hostility by

splattering the canvas

with paint what was the biggest cliche

at the start of the pandemic

baking we're going to sourdough our way

through it

i may have been the least surprised

person because the simple act of

imagining that loaf of bread

or that poem or that painting allows us

to imagine a new self

number four seek wisdom from others

perhaps the most painful part of a life

transition

is that we feel isolated and alone

in fact one under discussed reason for

the rise of loneliness

is the rise in the number of life

transitions we all face

which is why it's essential that you not

be alone

that you find a way to share your

experience with someone else

it could be a friend a neighbor a loved

one even a stranger

but here's the key not everyone craves

the same kind of response

each of us has what i call a phenotype

of feedback

a third of us like comforters i love you

susie i believe in you you'll get

through it

a quarter of us like nudgers i love you

john but

maybe you should try this or maybe you

should do that but one in six of us

likes

slappers i love you anna but get over

yourself it's time to do this

the important thing is don't assume that

the person you're asking advice or

giving advice to likes the same type of

response

ask before you advise

and that leads to tip number five

rewrite your life story

a life transition is fundamentally a

meaning making

exercise it's what i like to call an

autobiographical occasion

in which we are called on to revisit

rethink and

retell our life story adding

a new chapter for what we learned during

the life quake

that's what happened with my dad

after i sent that first story about the

toys he played with

he wrote a story about model airplanes i

had never heard before

even though he couldn't even move his

fingers at the time

i sent another tell me about the house

you grew up in

then another how'd you join the navy how

did you meet mom

until just this week

eight years after that first question

my dad who had never written anything

longer than a memo

completed a 65 000

word memoir one question

one story one life affirming memory

at a time that

is the power of storytelling

and it's a reminder that no matter how

bleak your story

gets you cannot give up on the happy

ending

you control the story you tell about

your life

even the most painful parts of your life

which is why it's so critical that we

reimagine

life transitions that we see them

not as miserable times we have to grit

and grind our

way through but we see them for what

they are

healing times that allow us to take the

wounded parts of ourselves

and begin to repair them

the italians have a wonderful expression

for this

lupus in fabula the wolf in the fairy

tale

just when life is going swimmingly along

comes a demon

a dragon a downsizing a pandemic

just when our fairy tale seems poised to

come true

a wolf shows up and threatens to destroy

it

and that's okay because if you banish

the wolf

you banish the hero and if there's one

thing i learn

we all need to be the hero of our life

story

which is why we have fairy tales after

all

and why we tell them year after year

bedtime after bedtime

they turn our nightmares into dreams

thank you