Want to Get Ahead at Work? Risk the Awkward Moments | Henna Pryor | TED

Summary

The speaker reflects on the awkwardness of taking risks and the impact of social norms on our willingness to do so. Drawing from psychological research, they explain how our brains change during adolescence, leading to increased self-consciousness and a desire to fit in. This, in turn, affects our professional lives, making us less likely to take risks. The speaker advocates for embracing awkwardness as a signal to improve and grow, encouraging listeners to shift from an 'approval mindset' to an 'improvement mindset' to achieve personal and professional advancement.

Takeaways

• 😅 The speaker humorously recounts personal anecdotes of awkwardness at work, such as being called by the wrong name and misjudging social cues.
• 🧠 Research indicates that our brains change during early adolescence, leading to increased self-consciousness and a tendency to internalize social norms.
• 📉 As we grow older, our willingness to take professional risks decreases, influenced by a deep-seated desire to fit in with social norms.
• 🤔 The speaker suggests that the fear of awkwardness stems from a subconscious need for social approval and belonging.
• 🚫 The approval mindset can hinder personal growth and risk-taking, as it focuses on external validation rather than internal goals.
• 💪 The speaker advocates for an 'improvement mindset' where personal development and self-identity take precedence over the need for external approval.
• 🔄 To foster an improvement mindset, one must realign goals and motivations to be internally driven rather than externally influenced.
• 🏋️‍♀️ The speaker recommends seeking out 'micro stressors' and embracing 'ick moments' to condition oneself to be more comfortable with awkwardness and risk.
• 💡 Internal motivation is key to overcoming the fear of awkwardness and taking calculated risks for personal growth and self-improvement.
• 🌟 The speaker concludes by encouraging the audience to find one goal they are willing to feel awkward for, to cross the 'cringe chasm' towards self-improvement.

Q & A

What was the speaker's experience with her name being mispronounced at her first job?

The speaker's name was repeatedly mispronounced as 'Helen' instead of 'Henna' by a partner at her first job. She felt it was too risky and awkward to correct him after the initial mistake, which led to the error continuing.

Why did the speaker feel awkward about correcting her name at work?

The speaker felt that correcting her name would be risky and awkward because she hadn't corrected the partner when he first mispronounced it, and doing so later felt like it would draw unnecessary attention and potentially jeopardize her professional relationship.

According to the speaker, why do we become more self-conscious and risk-averse as we grow older?

The speaker explains that our brains change during early adolescence, leading us to internalize social norms and become more self-conscious. As we grow up, we start to avoid actions that make us feel 'little icky', which are often associated with violating social norms.

What is the 'approval mindset' as described in the script?

The 'approval mindset' refers to a state where individuals are driven by the desire for external validation and approval. They change their behavior to meet others' expectations and focus on preserving their gains and fitting in with social norms.

How does the speaker suggest we can shift from an approval mindset to an improvement mindset?

The speaker suggests that shifting to an improvement mindset involves aligning one's internal motivation with personal goals rather than external expectations. This involves embracing awkward situations, seeking out micro stressors, and deliberately practicing discomfort in areas where there's room for change.

What role does the feeling of awkwardness play in our decision-making according to the speaker?

Awkwardness serves as a signal that we are at a moment of choice, standing at the edge of a 'cringe chasm'. It indicates that it's time to take a risk and make a jump towards self-improvement, rather than avoiding the discomfort to seek approval.

Why do people often avoid taking risks in their professional lives, as explained in the script?

People avoid taking risks in their professional lives because they fear losing the approval of others, which they have come to value highly. This fear is exacerbated by the visibility of the risk in a professional setting, where performance is often measured and scrutinized.

What is the 'cringe chasm' mentioned in the script, and how does it relate to personal growth?

The 'cringe chasm' is a metaphor for the gap between our desire for approval and our need for self-improvement. It represents the awkwardness and risk associated with personal growth, which can only be crossed by embracing discomfort and taking actions that align with our internal goals rather than external approval.

How does the speaker relate the concept of 'ick moments' to personal development?

The speaker refers to 'ick moments' as instances of discomfort or awkwardness that signal an opportunity for personal development. By facing and embracing these moments, individuals can strengthen their internal motivation and improve their ability to take necessary risks for growth.

What does the speaker mean when she says 'play not to lose' instead of 'play to win'?

When the speaker says 'play not to lose', she is describing a mindset where individuals avoid taking risks to maintain their current status and avoid the potential loss of approval. In contrast, 'play to win' implies taking calculated risks and pursuing personal growth and improvement, even in the face of potential awkwardness or failure.

Outlines

00:00

😅 Embracing Awkwardness for Personal Growth

The speaker shares personal anecdotes of awkward moments at work, such as being mistakenly called by the wrong name and sending a snarky text to the wrong person. They reflect on how these incidents made them feel awkward but also recognize that children, like their niece Arya, don't experience awkwardness because they haven't learned social norms yet. The speaker then delves into research indicating that it's during early adolescence when our brains change, leading to increased self-consciousness and a desire to fit in with social norms. This awareness of social norms often leads to a decrease in risk-taking and an 'approval mindset,' where one's actions are driven by the desire for external validation rather than personal growth.

05:01

🤔 The Approval Mindset and Its Impact on Risk-Taking

The speaker discusses the concept of the 'approval mindset,' explaining how it can be both beneficial and limiting. While it can drive high achievement and adaptation, it often leads individuals to act for external validation rather than personal improvement. A KPMG study is cited, showing that women are more comfortable taking risks for their group than for themselves, highlighting the power of the approval mindset. The speaker uses their own experience of correcting a partner's mistake about their name to illustrate the struggle between seeking approval and asserting one's identity. They argue that avoiding awkwardness and the fear of losing approval can prevent personal growth and the realization of one's full potential.

10:05

🚀 Crossing the Cringe Chasm: From Approval to Improvement Mindset

The speaker introduces the 'cringe chasm' as a metaphor for the gap between seeking approval and pursuing personal improvement. They emphasize that while the approval mindset can provide some benefits, an 'improvement mindset' is more powerful for achieving personal and professional growth. The speaker suggests that internal motivation and setting personal goals lead to better performance and retention. They encourage embracing awkward moments, or 'ick moments,' as opportunities for growth and self-improvement. The speaker also provides strategies for conditioning oneself to be more comfortable with awkwardness and risk-taking, such as seeking out 'micro stressors' and practicing self-advocacy.

15:08

💪 Embracing the Awkward: A Path to Personal Improvement

In the final paragraph, the speaker concludes by emphasizing the importance of embracing awkwardness as a means to personal improvement. They suggest that one should identify goals that may cause discomfort but are essential for growth. The speaker encourages daily practice of embracing the awkward to build resilience for moments that truly matter. They also humorously reference a preference for Capri Sun drinks, promising not to make the conversation awkward, and thanking the audience for their attention.

Keywords

💡awkward

Awkward refers to a feeling of discomfort or unease that arises when facing a situation that is embarrassing, unfamiliar, or difficult to navigate. In the video, the speaker uses the term to describe the emotional response to taking risks or challenging social norms, which is a central theme. The speaker recounts personal experiences where they felt awkward, such as when a partner mispronounced their name, and how this feeling can prevent individuals from taking necessary risks or asserting themselves.

💡internalize

To internalize means to incorporate something into one's own way of thinking or behavior. In the context of the video, the speaker discusses how during early adolescence, individuals begin to internalize social norms, leading to increased self-consciousness. This concept is crucial as it sets the stage for understanding why people become more risk-averse and how this influences their professional and personal lives.

💡social norms

Social norms are the rules and standards that a society or group establishes for acceptable behavior. The video highlights how these norms can shape an individual's actions and decisions, particularly in relation to the fear of violating them and the subsequent feeling of awkwardness. The speaker suggests that as people grow older, they become more attuned to these norms, which can limit their willingness to take risks or challenge the status quo.

💡risk-taking

Risk-taking is the act of choosing to undertake an action with an uncertain outcome, which may involve potential rewards or losses. The video emphasizes the decline in risk-taking as individuals become more concerned with fitting in and seeking approval. The speaker contrasts this with the need to embrace risk-taking for personal growth and improvement, using examples such as negotiating a salary or correcting a mispronounced name.

💡approval mindset

The approval mindset refers to a psychological state where an individual is primarily motivated by the desire for external validation and approval. In the video, the speaker explains how this mindset can lead to a focus on meeting others' expectations rather than one's own goals, which can hinder personal growth and the willingness to take risks that could lead to self-improvement.

💡self-improvement

Self-improvement involves the process of personal development and striving to enhance one's skills, knowledge, and well-being. The video's central message encourages embracing self-improvement over the approval mindset. The speaker argues that focusing on internal goals and personal growth can lead to greater persistence, learning, and better performance, as opposed to seeking external validation.

💡cringe chasm

The cringe chasm is a metaphor used in the video to describe the gap between the fear of embarrassment or awkwardness and the potential for personal growth. The speaker uses this term to illustrate the psychological barrier that must be overcome to take risks and embrace opportunities for self-improvement, despite the discomfort it may cause.

💡strategic micro stressors

Strategic micro stressors are small, intentional challenges or discomforts that are sought out to help an individual build resilience and adaptability. In the video, the speaker suggests using these as a method to condition oneself to be more comfortable with awkwardness and risk-taking, which can ultimately lead to personal growth and improvement.

💡internal motivation

Internal motivation refers to the drive that comes from within an individual, as opposed to external rewards or pressures. The video emphasizes the importance of aligning one's actions with internal motivation for setting and achieving personal goals. The speaker argues that this alignment is key to crossing the 'cringe chasm' and embracing the awkwardness that comes with taking risks for self-improvement.

💡identity

Identity in the video refers to an individual's sense of self, including their personal values, beliefs, and characteristics. The speaker discusses how maintaining one's identity is crucial and can be at odds with the approval mindset, where external validation may lead to compromising one's true self. The video encourages viewers to consider their identity and self-worth when deciding whether to take risks and seek personal growth.

Highlights

The speaker's early career experience of being mistaken for 'Helen' and the reluctance to correct the mistake due to fear of awkwardness.

The realization that children, like the speaker's niece Arya, do not feel awkward because they have not yet learned social norms.

Research indicating that early adolescence is when our brains change to internalize social norms and become self-conscious.

The tendency to avoid feeling 'little icky' leads to behaviors that conform to social norms to avoid discomfort.

As we grow professionally, our desire to fit in with social norms increases, leading to a decrease in risk-taking.

The 'approval mindset' is described as focusing on external validation and fitting in, which can limit personal growth.

The 'cringe chasm' is introduced as a metaphor for the gap between seeking approval and personal improvement.

The importance of crossing the 'cringe chasm' to take personal risks and improve, rather than avoiding awkwardness.

The benefits of an approval mindset, including setting high bars and exceeding targets, are acknowledged.

A 2019 KPMG study is cited, showing women are more comfortable taking risks for their group than for themselves.

The concept that awkwardness is a signal to take a risk and improve, rather than a deterrent.

The idea that internal motivation and setting personal goals lead to greater persistence and better performance.

Strategic micro stressors and deliberate discomfort are suggested as ways to condition for awkwardness and improve.

Owning awkward moments, like admitting to zoning out in a meeting, as a way to recover faster and demonstrate internal motivation.

The final call to action to embrace awkwardness, find goals that require it, and practice daily to be prepared for important moments.

The conclusion that what we risk reveals what we value, and the choice to overcome cringe is up to the individual.

Transcripts

I was in my first job out of college a

shiny prestigious big four public

accounting

firm give that work paper to Helen to

work on Helen will finish it up and give

it back to the

client it's my third week in and the

partner kept calling me Helen my name is

henna by the

way but because I didn't correct him the

first time he said it I felt like that

ship had sailed to say something now

would feel a little risky and a lot

awkward wish I could say that was an

isolated incident in my career but I've

had plenty of those I once texted a

snarky complaint about a client to my

workf friend which instead went to the

client recently went to hug someone at

work who instead was going in for the

fist bump and he ended up punching me in

the chest

instead that was fun but my niece Arya

is seven and interestingly she has never

once said to me

hanala this is awkward but I can't open

my Capri

on kids don't feel awkward because they

haven't yet learned they should feel

that

way I think a lot of us would love to

take more risks and feel less

awkward so what gives can we be more

like

Arya research from the assoc ation of

psychological science discovered that

it's early adolescence that our brains

change and we start to internalize

social norms and become much more

self-conscious and as we grow up there

are inevitably times when we violate

those Norms intentionally or not and we

start to notice and remember how that

felt which is usually little licky and

because we don't love to feel little

icky we start to act in ways that avoid

that feel

we become conditioned to look for who we

are through the lens of those expected

Norms in other words who do other people

see and more importantly do they approve

of who they

see and as we continue into our

professional lives another interesting

thing happens even though our experience

and confidence go up so does our deep

desire to fit in with those social norms

and and as a result our tolerance for

professional risk-taking or any

risk-taking absolutely goes

down it goes down for big risks things

like negotiating a new job salary or

taking a new job in general but it also

goes down for small everyday risks

things like apologizing for a

misdirected snarky text or correcting

someone when they've said your name

wrong why is that because thanks to

those social norms behind the scenes we

start creating an Ever widening gap

between how other people see

us

confident smart

articulate and how we feel about what we

think they

see nervous hot

mess without realizing it we start

hanging out on this side of the gap on

this side of the Gap we care a lot about

what other people think of us on

preserving our existing

gains people think you're smart now

henna they may not think you're so smart

after this that instead of

improving instead of leveling up instead

of playing to

win we play not to

lose on this side of the Gap we're stuck

in an approval

mindset an approval mindset tap dances

on our caveman br and reminds us that

belonging feels better than almost

anything else it explains why many of us

at a deep level are still people

Pleasers we Chase external validation we

care a lot about how we look to our

leaders our colleagues our direct

reports our tedex audience what are you

looking

at and this brings us back to feeling

awkward feeling awkward is a nudge from

our modern brain that says careful

there's risk ahead and other people are

watching you that feeling tries to

protect us it tells us to zip our lips

instead of speaking up it tells us to

just take the offered salary instead of

negotiating tells us Helen isn't such a

terrible name for a Pakistani girl is

it sorry Mom and

Dad sometimes that nudge is a gentle

poke stop fidgeting

henna sometimes that nudge feels like a

Jun

shove who says you're ready for a

tedex and to be clear many of us live in

a system that rewards us with raises and

promotions and likes when someone else

approves an approval mindset isn't all

bad in fact we've picked up some pretty

useful skills in an approval

mindset in an approval mindset we learn

to set the bar high for what we want if

we want to set our bar high for earning

our boss praise or making a client happy

or innovating on a new project we

develop a desire to take action towards

that bar I'm a recovering overachiever

and the minute someone else sets a

target for me I'm in motion not only

will I hit it I'll exceed it challenge

accepted and we adapt and change our

behavior on our way to that bar as an

executive coach I see my clients contort

themselves into new ways of behaving in

order to to earn the respect of a new

boss or to avoid making waves in a

meeting and for 14 years in Staffing I

would watch candidates shape shift in

interviews in order to get the

job maybe you've done that

too and if you have I'm with you because

each and every time you get a piping hot

cup of approval at the

end but even so you're no

puppet even in an approval mindset

you're in

control you're setting the bar you're

taking action you're

adapting but you're doing it for someone

else you're doing it for external

reasons an approval mindset is when you

decide to change to meet someone else's

expectations in this mindset your

biggest beefiest goals come from outside

of you

now case in point a 2019 KPMG study

found in a survey of over 2,000 college

educated women that they were

significantly more comfortable taking

risks that would benefit their group or

company over one that would benefit

themselves as

individuals I believe it telling the

partner my name was actually henna was

way harder for me than telling the

client that the audit report was going

to be delayed by over two

weeks correcting him meant his approval

of me henna not Helen and all that that

approval signified as far as my job my

level of responsibility was Suddenly at

risk what will he think if I say

something

now what if he judges me for not saying

something

before either Choice felt

awkward and both carried huge

risks or at least I thought they

did but what I learned is when it comes

to taking a risk in the moment is that

we allow our deep desire for other

people to

approve outweigh whether we personally

improve you see the more we stay on this

side of the Gap the more that Gap widens

to a

Chasm the cringe

Chasm a hurdle to overcome on our road

to self-improvement

the bigger the risk the more visible it

is to others whose approval we so

desperately want the more awkward it

feels and at work the stakes feel high

we are taking risks in front of people

often with kpis and success metrics on

the line feels like everyone everywhere

is watching us cross the cringe

Chasm so we tell ourselves if I don't

say the thing or take the chance then I

don't have to worry about whether

anybody else approves and bonus I also

also don't have to acknowledge the

possibility that I might stumble or

fall and neither their approval nor

anything else is at

risk and that may be true but when we

stay on this side of the Gap when we

avoid all awkwardness we never truly

have a chance to personally

improve to speak up to self- Advocate to

innovate or negotiate or try something

new to do the very things that are

proven to reduce risk over

time and leaving your potential on the

table that's the greatest risk of

all it makes me cringe to have to

correct someone about my

name it makes me cringe even more to

imagine walking through life as someone

who allows other people to call her the

wrong

name both of them are a

risk one risk of losing

approval the other risk of losing my

identity who I am or who I want to

become which one am I going to

take which one would you

take awkwardness is what we feel when we

reach this moment of

choice that feeling tells us we're

standing at the edge of the

chasm that feeling tells us it's time to

jump

and at the edge you're also going to

find what I like to call ick moments

when you're wincing and cringing and

going ick remind yourself that

Improvement comes after

cringe now there are some benefits to an

approval mindset remember and it's not

all bad it will get you somewhere in

your life in your career and in your

business but you know what's even more

powerful when you decide to change to

meet your own

expectations when your biggest beefiest

goals come from inside of you now from a

business perspective five separate

studies confirm that internal motivation

for internally set goals leads to

Greater persistence Higher Learning

better Employee Engagement better

performance and better

retention it's the alignment that makes

the achievement

possible it's the alignment that helps

you embrace the most awkward situations

and help you cross the cringe chasm

and I have good news you already have

the skills that you built over in the

approval side to get you to where you

want to go when you're in an improvement

mindset you're still setting the bar for

what you want you're still taking action

towards that bar you're still

adapting when you align your own

internal motivation with your own

internal goals that's how you cross to

the Improvement mindset and stay there

and here's what's critical about

assessing risk if In This Moment your

self-improvement hell your self identity

is more important to you than their

approval then my friends it is time to

jump so what needs to

change the only thing that needs to

change is whose goals you're pointing to

the direction of why you do what you do

fitness trainers have known this for

years if you do the same exercises in

the same order your bodies get used to

it in new Plateau that's because

routines also reduce our capability to

improve so to improve we change

direction of the circuit so now we're

going to take all those skills those

muscles we've built over on the approval

circuit and work them in a new slightly

uncomfortable way so that we can improve

our ability to take small risks when we

need to to condition for

awkward and we condition by seeking out

strategic micro stressors and deliberate

discomfort in the exact places where

there's the most room for

change at work instead of backing away

from an uncomfortable conversation

changing direction might look like

naming how awkward it is to have to talk

about this maybe with a little bit of

humor or let's say get called on a

meeting and whoops you totally zoned out

instead of running from the awkwardness

which research actually says backfires

and makes things even more Awkward long

term been there done that maybe you'll

try owning it and just admitting that

you will recover faster than you

think the truth is your internal

motivation is always burning inside of

you the question is are you going to use

that spark to ignite your own

Improvement or to feed a fire of someone

else's is

making and are you going to purposely

look for those ick

moments those opportunities where

Improvement can come after the

cringe are you going to make your

internal motivation muscles

stronger now one final word of warning

changing direction isn't easy it takes

deliberate

practice much like stepping into the

tedex lights for the first time trying

trying something new is awkward as hell

the approval mindset is blaring I hear

it right now it's easy to Peter out when

your mindset muscles start saying this

is

hard but if you want to play to

win and not just not to

lose you can start right

now find one goal you want to feel

awkward for so that you can cross the

chasm towards Improvement

and practice embracing the awkward every

day so that you're as strong as you can

be for the moments when it

counts what you risk reveals what you

value not every twinge of cringe needs

to be

overcome just the one stopping you from

getting to where you want to go it's up

to you if you want to

jump and if you don't know where to

start let's talk about it over a Capri

on promise I won't make it awkward but I

promise you they taste damn good thank

you

[Applause]