How to Ask for More — and Get It | Alex Carter | TED

Summary

In this enlightening talk, the speaker shares transformative lessons on negotiation, learned from a kayaking mishap during her honeymoon. She debunks the myth that negotiation is a battle over money, emphasizing it as a process of steering relationships. Five key lessons include viewing negotiation as steering, the power of curiosity, the importance of self-negotiation before engaging with others, the art of silence, and turning adversaries into partners. These insights aim to improve not just deal-making but also relationship-building.

Takeaways

• 🚣‍♀️ **Steering is Key**: Negotiation is like steering a kayak; it's about guiding relationships towards a goal, not just about money.
• 🤔 **Curiosity Pays**: Asking open-ended questions uncovers needs and builds trust, leading to more successful negotiations.
• 🧐 **Preparation is Paramount**: The negotiation starts with self-reflection and preparation, which is crucial for setting the right course.
• 🕒 **Timing is Everything**: Leaving strategic silences can be powerful, encouraging the other party to make high-value moves and fostering collaboration.
• 🤝 **Transform Adversaries into Partners**: Viewing the other party as a partner, not an adversary, can lead to more effective and harmonious negotiations.
• 🏝️ **Everyday Opportunities**: Everyday interactions are opportunities to practice negotiation skills and steer relationships positively.
• 💡 **Power of Questions**: The most effective negotiators use questions to understand the other party's perspective and needs.
• 🌊 **Navigating Challenges**: Even in challenging situations, like the kayak incident, negotiation skills can help navigate towards a successful outcome.
• 🌟 **Success Beyond Money**: Successful negotiation isn't just about financial gain; it's about creating value in relationships and achieving mutual goals.
• 🌈 **Long-Term Relationships**: The speaker's personal story illustrates how negotiation skills can lead to long-term, successful partnerships.

Q & A

What is the main metaphor used in the script to describe negotiation?

The main metaphor used in the script to describe negotiation is steering a kayak. It emphasizes that negotiation is about guiding a relationship towards a desired outcome, much like steering a kayak towards a specific destination.

Why did the speaker and her husband flip their kayak over during their honeymoon river tour?

The speaker and her husband flipped their kayak over because the speaker decided to drive her own way instead of following her husband's lead, who was supposed to be driving as the larger passenger in the back.

What is the percentage of people who did not negotiate their last salary according to the research mentioned in the script?

According to the research mentioned in the script, 54% of people did not negotiate their last salary.

What is the second lesson about negotiation that the speaker shares, and why is it important?

The second lesson is that curious people make more money. It is important because asking open questions uncovers the other person's needs, concerns, and goals, leading to more successful negotiations.

What is the significance of the 'mirror' in the context of negotiation as described in the script?

The 'mirror' refers to the self-negotiation that happens before engaging in a negotiation with others. It is significant because it involves understanding one's own priorities and strategies, which is crucial for a successful negotiation.

What does the speaker suggest is the secret to great deals in negotiation?

The speaker suggests that the secret to great deals in negotiation is to leave periods of silence, allowing the other party to consider the proposal and potentially make a high-value move.

How does the speaker redefine the concept of an 'adversary' in negotiation?

The speaker redefines the concept of an 'adversary' by suggesting that the person across the bargaining table becomes a partner once the deal is done. The focus should be on collaboration rather than opposition.

What is the speaker's motto for negotiation, and how does it reflect her approach to the process?

The speaker's motto for negotiation is 'I never request, I recruit.' This reflects her approach of pulling people to her side of the table through questions, turning adversaries into co-conspirators working towards a common goal.

What is the key takeaway from the story about the diplomat and the peace deal?

The key takeaway is the importance of recognizing that negotiation is not a battle but a process of steering towards a common goal. It illustrates the power of collaboration and understanding, even in high-stakes situations.

How does the speaker's honeymoon experience relate to her overall message about negotiation?

The speaker's honeymoon experience with the kayak serves as a metaphor for her overall message about negotiation: it's about steering a relationship towards a goal, not about battling for control, and it highlights the importance of collaboration and understanding.

What is the practical advice the speaker gives for starting a negotiation effectively?

The practical advice given by the speaker for starting a negotiation effectively is to ask open-ended questions that uncover the other person's needs, concerns, and goals, and to use silence strategically to encourage the other party to make high-value moves.