The 11 Laws of Maturity

Summary

The video script explores the 11 laws of maturity by Mark Manson, aiming to cultivate personal growth. It discusses the importance of embracing uncertainty, redefining happiness, acknowledging averageness, and taking responsibility for one's life. It also emphasizes the value of suffering, learning from failure, maintaining healthy relationships, setting boundaries, and committing to actions. The final law encourages accepting mortality to live more fully, promoting a mature approach to life's challenges.

Takeaways

• 📜 **Don't Try**: The 'Backwards Law of Life' suggests that the more you try to force something, the less likely you are to achieve it, and letting go can lead to natural success.
• 😔 **Forget About Happiness**: Constant happiness is not natural for humans; we are wired for survival, not perpetual joy. Embracing pain and misery as part of life is a sign of maturity.
• 🤔 **You Are Not Special**: Recognize that your problems are common human experiences, not unique struggles, which helps to maintain a balanced perspective.
• 💪 **Value of Suffering**: Suffering is inevitable, but choosing what you suffer for can provide meaning and shape your character.
• 👤 **You Are Responsible**: Take ownership of your life and actions; responsibility is key to personal growth and maturity.
• 🤨 **You Are Wrong About Everything**: Embrace the idea that you might be wrong and be open to new perspectives for continuous learning and self-improvement.
• 🚫 **Learn to Say No**: Establishing boundaries and being able to say no is crucial for personal well-being and avoiding a life of resentment and unhappiness.
• ✅ **Integrity**: Keeping your word and following through on commitments is a hallmark of maturity and respect for oneself and others.
• 🔄 **Toxic vs. Non-Toxic Relationships**: Understanding the difference and fostering healthy, supportive relationships is a sign of emotional maturity.
• ⏳ **Embrace Mortality**: Accepting the finite nature of life and making the most of your time leads to a more meaningful and vibrant existence.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the video script?

The main theme of the video script is the exploration of maturity through the 11 laws as outlined by modern philosopher Mark Manson.

What is the 'Backwards Law of Life' mentioned in the script?

The 'Backwards Law of Life' suggests that the more you try to force something to happen, the less likely you are to achieve it, whereas letting go of attempts can naturally lead to the desired outcome.

How does the script challenge the societal expectation of constant happiness?

The script challenges the societal expectation of constant happiness by stating that humans are optimized for survival, not constant happiness, and that difficult emotions are signals for beneficial change.

What is the significance of the phrase 'you are not special' in the context of the script?

The phrase 'you are not special' in the script is used to convey that everyone faces similar problems and challenges, and that individual problems are not unique but rather part of the human experience.

How does the script define maturity in terms of responsibility?

Maturity, according to the script, is defined by taking ownership of one's life and actions, understanding that what you pay attention to and care about is a choice made in every moment.

What does the script suggest about the relationship between failure and growth?

The script suggests that failure is a necessary part of growth, and that maturity involves embracing failure as a way to learn and improve.

How does the script discuss the concept of suffering and its role in maturity?

The script discusses suffering as an inevitable part of life, and that maturity involves choosing what to suffer for, as the way we suffer provides our lives with meaning.

What is the importance of saying 'no' according to the script?

The script emphasizes the importance of saying 'no' as a law of maturity, suggesting that without the ability to decline things we don't want, we set ourselves up for a miserable life.

How does the script view the role of integrity in maturity?

The script views integrity as a key aspect of maturity, where adults are distinguished by their commitment to their word and following through on what they say they will do.

What is the final law of maturity mentioned in the script and what does it signify?

The final law of maturity mentioned in the script is the acceptance of death, signifying that embracing the idea of infinity and the art of dying can bring a greater vitality for life.

How does the script differentiate between toxic and non-toxic relationships in terms of maturity?

The script differentiates toxic and non-toxic relationships by the presence of personal responsibility and support without conditions or expectations, where maturity is shown in understanding one's values and boundaries in a relationship.

Outlines

00:00

📚 The Pursuit of Maturity

This paragraph introduces the concept of maturity and the societal expectation of adulthood. It discusses the idea of a 'grown-up child' who fails to take personal responsibility and lacks organization in life. The speaker then sets the stage for an exploration of the '11 Laws of Maturity' by modern philosopher Mark Manson. The first law, 'Don't Try,' is introduced with the story of Charles Pivovski, highlighting the 'Backwards Law of Life' which suggests that letting go of trying too hard can lead to natural success. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of embracing uncertainty and vulnerability to achieve a more mature and successful life.

05:00

😔 The Myth of Constant Happiness

The second paragraph challenges the societal pressure to be constantly happy, arguing that this is an unrealistic expectation. It explains that humans are not naturally programmed for constant happiness but for survival. Emotions are described as biological signals meant to prompt action, and it is through acknowledging and understanding these emotions that maturity is achieved. The paragraph encourages viewing pain and suffering not as flaws but as essential features of the human experience, which can provide direction for positive change and personal growth.

10:02

🤔 The Illusion of Specialness

Paragraph three addresses the third law of maturity, which is the realization that everyone is average and faces similar problems. It dispels the notion that one's problems are unique or that one is special in the face of adversity. The paragraph emphasizes that suffering is a universal human experience, and it is through the way we choose to suffer that our lives gain meaning. It also introduces the concept of 'extreme ownership' over one's life, suggesting that taking responsibility for everything that happens is a key aspect of maturity.

15:02

🚫 The Power of Personal Responsibility

The fourth paragraph delves into the importance of personal responsibility, which is central to maturity. It explains that what one pays attention to and cares about shapes one's life, and that taking responsibility for one's actions and decisions is crucial. The paragraph introduces the Stoic concept of 'locus of control,' encouraging focus on what one can control, such as attitudes and decisions, rather than external factors. It also touches on the idea that being wrong is a natural part of growth and that maturity involves embracing this fallibility and learning from it.

Keywords

💡Maturity

Maturity, in the context of the video, refers to the psychological and emotional development that enables an individual to respond appropriately to challenges and to interact effectively with others. It is a central theme as the video discusses the 11 laws of maturity as outlined by Mark Manson. Maturity is exemplified by taking responsibility for one's actions, understanding the value of suffering, and developing a balanced relationship with emotions and rationality.

💡Responsibility

Responsibility is the ability and willingness to take on duties and face the consequences of one's actions. In the video, it is highlighted as a key aspect of maturity, where individuals must recognize their role in their life's outcomes and take charge of their decisions. The script mentions that 'you are responsible for everything that happens to you,' emphasizing personal accountability.

💡Emotions

Emotions are the feelings that individuals experience, which can influence their thoughts and actions. The video discusses the importance of having a balanced relationship between emotions and rational control systems. It suggests that maturity involves listening to the feedback emotions provide and using it to guide positive change, rather than being overwhelmed by them.

💡Suffering

Suffering is the experience of pain or distress. The video posits that suffering is an unavoidable part of life, but it is how we choose to suffer that provides our lives with meaning. It suggests that embracing suffering can lead to personal growth and the development of character, as illustrated by the quote from Albert Camus in the script.

💡Failure

Failure is the inability to achieve a goal or the falling short of an expectation. The video script uses failure as a stepping stone to maturity, arguing that failure is not only inevitable but also necessary for growth. It encourages viewers to see failure as an opportunity for learning and improvement, rather than as a negative outcome.

💡Integrity

Integrity refers to the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles. In the video, integrity is presented as a hallmark of maturity, where individuals keep their commitments and act in accordance with their values. The script emphasizes the importance of doing what one says they will do, even in private.

💡Toxic Relationships

Toxic relationships are those that are harmful, damaging, or detrimental to one's well-being. The video discusses how maturity involves recognizing and avoiding such relationships, which are often characterized by selfishness, hurtful behavior, and a lack of personal responsibility. It contrasts toxic love with healthy love, where individuals support each other without conditions.

💡Boundaries

Boundaries are the limits or extents to which an individual allows others to interfere in their life. The video emphasizes the importance of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries as a sign of maturity. It suggests that the inability to say 'no' can lead to a miserable life, while assertiveness and respect for oneself and others are key to establishing boundaries.

💡Growth Mindset

A growth mindset is a belief that one's abilities can be developed through dedication and effort. The video encourages viewers to adopt a growth mindset, where they view failure as a necessary part of learning and improvement. It contrasts this with a fixed mindset, where abilities are seen as unchangeable.

💡Death

Death is the end of life. The video script touches on the concept of death as a part of life that should be accepted and not feared. It suggests that acknowledging death can bring a greater appreciation for life and encourages living fully while being aware of one's mortality.

💡Choice

Choice refers to the power or right to select one option over another. The video discusses the paradox of choice, suggesting that an abundance of options can lead to dissatisfaction and that maturity involves making committed choices and understanding the value of long-term commitments over fleeting desires.

Highlights

Exploring the 11 laws of maturity by Mark Manson to cultivate personal growth.

The importance of understanding the 'Backwards law of Life' and embracing uncertainty for personal development.

The paradox of trying too hard and how letting go can lead to natural success.

The societal pressure to be constantly happy and the need to reframe our understanding of happiness.

Embracing pain and misery as fundamental to human existence rather than as flaws.

The necessity of choosing our problems wisely and understanding that all problems come with a cost.

The realization that everyone faces problems, and the key is to upgrade the quality of our problems.

The third law of maturity emphasizes that everyone is average, and special problems do not exist.

The value of suffering and how it provides meaning to our lives.

Taking responsibility for everything that happens to us as a sign of maturity.

The concept of 'extreme ownership' and its role in personal growth.

Understanding that we are often wrong and the importance of being open to new perspectives.

The principle of holding strong opinions loosely to foster growth and avoid rigidity.

The mature approach to failure as a stepping stone to success rather than something to be avoided.

The distinction between toxic and non-toxic relationships and the importance of personal responsibility in love.

The importance of setting boundaries and saying no to protect our well-being.

The significance of integrity and the commitment to one's word as a mark of maturity.

The final law of maturity involves accepting death and living life to the fullest.

The quote of the week encourages simplicity and discipline in improving life.

Transcripts

no one likes to see a grown-up child a

human being who is societally seen as an

adult but still conducts themselves as

if they're 10 years old and not in the

positive still maintaining their

childhood Spirit sense but in the sense

they adopt no personal responsibility

and their life is about as organized as

a woman's handbag so in the next few

minutes we're going to explore the 11

laws of maturity as outlined by modern

philosopher Mark Manson cuz we could all

doal with cultivating a bit more of it

number one don't try the best gravestone

to have ever been made was Charles

pikovsky not because he's dead but

because of what he had inscribed on his

Tombstone don't try Charles pikovski was

an American Born poet and author who

lived a early begrudgingly boring life

of doll jobs until he made it as a

writer and his philosophy of don't try

encapsulate something called The

Backwards law of Life have you ever

noticed the more you try to achieve

something the less able you are to get

it but paradoxically when you let go of

your attempts to make something happen

it naturally occurs for example the more

you try to be certain about something

the more uncertain you feel the more

secure you try to make yourself feel the

more the feeling of insecurity gws away

at you but the more you embrace the

nature of uncertainty the more certain

you feel the more you express the

vulnerability to embrace your

insecurities the less insecure you feel

when you care less about something you

do better at it when you're least

worried about success is when you become

most successful when you care less about

what other people think about you and

start to embrace your insecurities you

then become more charismatic when you

embrace your suffering instead of trying

to to avoid it you're able to build

confidence in the face of life's

challenges so this highlights our first

law of maturity we cannot Escape caring

about things in life so we must choose

carefully what we care about and

understand that anything we care about

too much will cause us suffering because

we'll be holding on too tightly to a

desired outcome law number two forget

about happiness unfortunately we live in

a society that tries to shove one big

fat lie down our throat you should

always be happy and be in anything less

than happy is a failure on your part

look at everyone else on your social

media who's happy all of the time why

can't you just be more like them but

aiming to feel good all the time is

actually contrary to our nature the

truth is US humans are not optimized for

happiness we're optimized for survival

meaning your brain didn't evolve for you

to stand in front of a mirror and chant

positive affirmations to yourself

instead it evolved to help you stop

picking your nose when a saber-tooth

tiger is running towards you and instead

run for your life emotions are simply

biological signal signals designed to

nudge you in the direction of beneficial

change and difficult emotions are simply

a call to action maturity begins when we

choose to see our pain and misery not as

a bug of human existence but as a

feature something very necessary and

fundamental to the reality of Being

Human it's only by listening to the

feedback our emotions provide that we

can listen to what they're trying to say

and use that as positive energy to

channel into the direction of changing

our Behavior one of the marks of adult

maturity is a balanced relationship

between the emotions and rational

Control Systems which allows for

emotional responses without permitting

them to overwhelm reason Society also

paints a picture through social media

that it's possible to rid yourself of

all of your life's problems and anyone

who doesn't live a problem free life is

failing after all that Fitness

influencer who we see online every day

for 60 seconds appears to live a perfect

life completely devoid of problems with

his huge mansion perfect family life

while we're sat at 400 p.m. in our

dressing in a bowl of corn flakes

wondering why it didn't work out with

that girl we dated at 18 so we become

more mature when we understand living a

life without problems is impossible so

we must choose our problems wisely when

confronted with a decision ask does this

add good problems to my life for you

understand nothing comes for free and

nothing comes without the promise of

issues even those highflying individuals

who we might envy in society the

millionaire the Playboy or the extremely

talented all have problems the

millionaire has to wrestle with old

friends who want a payout the Playboy

has to wrestle with extreme demands on

his time and the extremely talented

entrepreneur wakes up every single day

with an insatiable ambition no one's

life is devoid of problems it's just

some people have been able to upgrade

the quality of their problems law number

three you are not special we all had

different childhoods which means we were

all praised in different ways perhaps

our parents showered us with clever boy

oh my God you're so smart or with an in

a scorn which left all of our

accomplishments go unrecognized whatever

the case the Third Law of maturity is to

recognize despite your pre-bedtime

fantasies and delusions of grandeur

you're actually very average and that's

fine most people fall into the slippery

slope of deluded narcissism or

victimhood by believe in my problems are

so special I'm the only person on Earth

who experiences them and who has ever

experienced them but the truth is

everything you and I face on a daily

basis has been faced again and again and

again by billions of people so there's

no such thing as a personal problem

there's just human problems that doesn't

mean what you're facing right now isn't

significant and you don't have a right

to feel whatever you're feeling it just

means you're not special nor are you

plagued by some mysterious Universal

Force which has its eyes only set on you

and wants to see you squirm four the

value of suffering as Albert Kimu taught

us in his Masterpiece the plague

sometimes life just shrugs its shoulders

and decides to throw us into a

bottomless pit of steaming turds

suffering is the most fundamental

reality of human beings a reality we

cannot Escape but seeing as we can't

escape it it appears the way to game the

system is to choose what you suffer for

because it is the way we suffer that

provides our lives with meaning even

though it doesn't feel like it when our

back is up against the wall as Sigman

Freud said one day in retrospect the

years of struggle will strike you as the

most beautiful so to cultivate maturity

we don't need to ask what do I want to

enjoy but instead what pain am I willing

to sustain Ain because our character is

defined by what we choose to struggle

for law number five you are responsible

for everything that happens to you this

law states that what you pay attention

to and choose to care about is being

chosen in every single moment of your

life it's just sometimes we don't

realize it adopting extreme ownership of

your life will allow you to cultivate

maturity single-handedly because it

allows you to do one thing improve

responsibility is what allows us to say

yes sometimes I'm irresponsible with

money yeah sometimes I exaggerate my own

successes and yeah I rely too much on

others to support me and I could be more

self-reliant but responsibility is also

what allows us to conclude but despite

my shortcomings I can work to improve

them immaturity can be defined by a lack

of ownership over one's life the best

way to conceptualize this is through the

stoic locus of control in life the

stoics implore us to realize there are

three types of control we have things we

have complete control over so such as

our attitudes thoughts and decisions

things we have some control over such as

our material possessions and the degree

to whether other people like us and

things we have no control over such as

other people's thoughts opinions the

weather and death so we do best to focus

our energy on the first category things

we have complete control over and forget

the last two just to clarify some

confusion here's a quick distinction

between fa and responsibility thought is

past tense responsibility is present

tense you are responsible for for

watching this video agreeing with what

I'm saying or not it's my fault for

recording it perhaps badly if you don't

like how I'm coming across right now but

you're responsible for coming to your

own conclusions and the degree to

whether you continue watching this video

or not law number six you are wrong

about everything a philosophical aspect

of maturity involves embracing the

Socrates principle whereby we realize we

are wise because we don't know a lot in

some situations we might be the person

who knows the most and others are just

less wrong but more often than not if

you're able to accept that you're wrong

and that you could be wrong about

everything you previously thought was

right you're liberated to hear what the

other side has to say so you can learn

such insights allow us the grace to

uphold the following principle strong

opinions held Loosely because we're

unlikely going to rid ourselves of the

passion certain topics spark within us

but we can tiptoe around our opinions

once they're made just to make sure we

don't hold on to something that's wrong

too tightly we might defend our views

with energy but during the conversation

if someone proposes a counterargument

which seems valid we have the grace to

drop our arguments and accept what

they're saying not as a defeat but as a

victory because it's steering us closer

to attaining wisdom through this lens we

can understand a lot of our views arise

from our identities which is a funny

business which makes us avoidant if you

think you're a nice person you'll avoid

situations which depict you as nasty if

you think you're a great chef you'll

avoid scenarios which show your

inadequacies maturity stems from a

particular type of belief in ourselves

the belief that no matter how great

other people think we are at something

we actually think we're quite average at

it which again allows us to grow for

example when someone says you know what

I'm not actually good at relationships

he gives himself the ability to change

instead of just staying in toxic

relationships in order to prove

something to himself lastly what this

law of maturity encapsulates is if we

ever find ourselves stuck in a sticky

situation in life believ in is US versus

the world we can guarantee it's just us

versus us in other words if you're

debating whether a problem is due to you

or other people it's probably you seven

failure is the way forward this law

encapsulates this principle the master

has failed more times than the beginner

has even tried we've all heard it before

failure is good for you you need to fail

but what separates a mature person from

an immature person is the mature person

despite the 15,000 times he's had this

message of failure is good for you

shoved down his throat he accepts it the

mature understand if someone else is

better than them at something because

that person has failed more at it and

vice versa failure isn't fun it's not as

rosy and bubbly as the constant

positivity people try and shove down our

throats on social media seeing your

first business crumble before your eyes

messing up that communication technique

you wanted to practice with your

girlfriend trying to order coffee in

that language you're learning only to

realize the waiter has brought out a

plate with bread and butter instead

these things aren't exactly our ideal

way of spending a Wednesday afternoon

but if we don't fail it's not that we

don't grow it's that we can't grow so

when confronted with learning something

new embracing a new value or venturing

off into a new Direction in life

maturity stems from our understanding

that we're going to get some things

wrong but that's okay cuz that's how

we'll grow to face failure all we need

is a growth mindset and one question

kept close at hand a growth mindset is

where we believe we can change our

abilities and they're not fixed the

question of growth is not to ask how

much time do I need to spend on this

thing before I can become good at it but

to ask how how many reps of failure do I

need to make before I can become great

at it number eight toxic versus

non-toxic

relationships rule eight of maturity is

a a harsh truth of life that you don't

want to hear if the people in your

relationships keep doing selfish or

hurtful things it's likely you are too

you just don't realize it healthy love

is the goal to strive for because toxic

love leads nowhere but despair anxiety

and late night text messages with

paragraphs longer than Shakespeare's

Hamlet as Mark Manson distinguishes

unhealthy love is based on two people

trying to escape their problems through

their emotions for each other in other

words they're using each other as an

escape healthy love is based on two

people acknowledging and addressing

their own problems with each other's

support maturity arises in relationships

when you not only understand your own

values but you also understand where

your personal responsibility lies with

your partner you're not responsible for

making them happy nor are you

responsible for regulating their

emotions ions and you're not responsible

for their problems values and boundaries

what we see in toxic relationships is

people avoiding to take personal

responsibility to then take

responsibility for their partner's

problems and boundaries what do poor

boundaries look like here are some

examples you can't go out with your

friends without me you know how jealous

I get you have to stay home with me my

co-workers are idiots they always make

me late to meetings because I have to

tell them how to do their jobs I can't

believe you made me feel so stupid in

front of my own sister never disagree

with me in front of her again the

product of avoiding the inner pain of

adopting personal responsibility and

becoming entitled in our relationships

leads to us expecting other people to

take responsibility for our problems or

overstepping our personal boundaries for

other people leads us to adopting too

much responsibility for other people's

problems I wanted a nice relaxing

weekend at home you should have known

that and have canceled your plans she

just lost her job again but it's

probably my fault because I wasn't as

supportive of her as I could have been

I'm going to help her rewrite her resume

tomorrow maturity flourishes in

relationships when both people choose to

support each other not because they feel

obliged or entitled to do so but because

they choose to do so the Ying Yang of

toxic relationships involves two

characters the victim and the savior in

other words the person who starts the

fires because it makes her feel

important and the person who puts the

fires out because it makes him feel

important acts of Love are valid only if

they're performed without conditions or

expectations unconditional love doesn't

mean you like like whatever your partner

likes it means you love your partner no

matter what they like babe does my butt

look big in this your girlfriend asks

you yes you respond if that's what you

truly think cuz the last person you

should lie to is your partner no matter

the situation lastly with the pleer of

beautiful people who stand as potential

partners for us maturity Also Rises in

relationships when we understand the

Paradox of choice that our life

dissatisfaction increases as our options

for Choice increase to a point of

overwhelm where is the meaning to be

found in sleeping with whoever you want

where is the love to be found in

flitting from one partner to the next

maturity not just in relationships but

in life in general comes from an

understanding that the gold is in the

depths there are only some rewards you

get to experience in life through being

in a long-term relationship learning a

skill for decades or embracing a

philosophy of life for your whole

existence enact the courage to commit or

be tormented by the possibility of

everything number nine the importance of

saying no we've all heard the word

boundaries before some of us might roll

our eyes cuz we've heard it so many

times but it is a law of maturity that

without the ability to say no to the

things we don't want or like we're

setting ourselves up for a miserable

life however you might be questioning

such a statement with Lewis of course we

would say no to things we don't want or

like who wouldn't well there exists some

of us who aim to accommodate the need of

everyone they meet whilst neglecting

themselves in the process as much as we

love them accommodators seek to fulfill

the every need of other people in the

hopes that they will think positively of

them in return but they do so on the

belief that if they can get other people

to like them all of the negative hateful

things they think about themselves won't

be reflected back to them accommodators

is synonymous with people Pleasers and

both just need a little bit more

assertiveness being assertive doesn't

involve being an it involves

being open and honest with the person

sat in front of you with enough

self-respect and respect for the other

person to stand firm and communicate

your wants and needs In the Heat of the

situation with the belief that whatever

you admit to the other person they'll be

able to handle it law number 10 when you

say you're going to do something do it

Integrity What a fine word in a

simplistic sense what separates adults

from children is a commitment to one's

word so to be more mature when you say

you're going to do something just do it

even when you're behind closed doors

lastly 11 and then you die as

Fantastical as it might seem to embrace

the idea of infinity the last law of

maturity involves a letting go of life

for The Art of Living also comes with

the art of dying and it is our duty as

human beings and students of philosophy

to accept when our time is up and to

watch the curtains close without

complaining most of us try to deny death

passing it off as something that happens

to everyone else but not ourselves so we

try to escape it by building things

which will last forever like books

businesses albums buildings tangible

objects but it's only through an

awareness of death that we're gifted an

even more Vitality for life let us

deprive death of its strangeness let us

frequent it let us get used to it let us

have nothing more in mind than death we

do not know where death awaits us so let

us wait for it everywhere and they were

the 11 laws of maturity as adapted from

Mark Manson's the subtle art of not

giving a bollock before we go quote of

the week people try to do all sorts of

clever and difficult things to improve

life instead of doing the simplest

easiest thing refusing to participate in

activities that make life bad will judge

us stay disciplined playful and

dangerous