This is why you struggle during hard conversations
Summary
TLDRIn this video, Connor Beaton addresses the common struggle many men face in communicating effectively within relationships. He emphasizes that poor communication is not just about expressing oneself but is deeply linked to one's ability to regulate their nervous system. Beaton explains that being in a state of stress, anxiety, or anger hinders effective communication. He suggests techniques like movement, breath work, and co-regulation to help calm the nervous system and create a baseline for better communication. These practices aim to improve the quality of conversations and conflict resolution in relationships.
Takeaways
- 🗣️ Communication in relationships is a significant challenge for many men, often due to poor nervous system regulation rather than an inability to express oneself.
- 🤔 Effective communication is not just about speaking clearly; it's also about being able to regulate one's body and nervous system to manage stress, anxiety, and anger.
- 🔄 Poor communication often stems from a lack of nervous system regulation, which can lead to conflicts escalating rather than being resolved.
- 🧘♂️ Techniques such as movement, breath work, and co-regulation can help regulate the nervous system and create a calm baseline for communication.
- 🏋️♂️ Physical movement can help ground individuals, making them feel more connected to their bodies and less focused on stress or anxiety.
- 🌬️ Breath work, such as the 4-2-6 method, can reduce heart rate and blood pressure, promoting relaxation and better communication.
- 🤝 Co-regulation involves synchronizing breath with a partner to align heart rates and create a more harmonious state for communication.
- 👫 After conflicts, engaging in co-regulation practices can help repair the communication dynamic and set a standard for calm, grounded conversations.
- 👂 Listening and speaking from a place of calm and regulation can significantly improve the quality of communication and trust within a relationship.
- 🔑 The key to improving communication is not just learning new phrases or tactics, but also learning how to regulate one's own nervous system to create a stable communication environment.
Q & A
Why is communication often a challenge in relationships?
-Communication is a challenge in relationships because it's not just about expressing oneself clearly. It's also tied to one's ability to regulate their body and nervous system, which directly affects how one communicates and listens.
What is the role of the nervous system in communication?
-The nervous system plays a crucial role in communication as it affects one's emotional state. If one is feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, or angry, it can hinder effective communication and listening.
What are some tactics that are commonly suggested for improving communication in relationships?
-Common tactics for improving communication include using specific phrases to defuse arguments, redirecting conversations, and being clear and direct about one's needs and desires.
Why do some communication tactics fail to work effectively?
-Communication tactics can fail if the individual's nervous system is not regulated. If one is tense, angry, or anxious, they may not be able to communicate the message effectively, even with the right words.
What is meant by 'regulating the nervous system' in the context of communication?
-Regulating the nervous system refers to managing one's physiological state to achieve a calm and grounded state, which is conducive to effective communication.
How does the sympathetic nervous system affect communication?
-The sympathetic nervous system, responsible for the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response, can lead to actions like aggression, withdrawal, or inaction, which can hinder effective communication.
What is the role of the parasympathetic nervous system in communication?
-The parasympathetic nervous system acts as a brake pedal, promoting relaxation and calmness, which is essential for effective communication, especially in high-conflict situations.
What are some simple ways to down-regulate the nervous system for better communication?
-Simple ways to down-regulate the nervous system include movement, breath work, and co-regulation with a partner, which can help create a baseline of calm and ease.
How can breath work help in regulating the nervous system for communication?
-Breath work, such as inhaling for four counts, holding for two, exhaling for six, and holding for two, can reduce heart rate and blood pressure, promoting a sense of calm and relaxation.
What is co-regulation and how can it help in a relationship?
-Co-regulation is the act of regulating nervous systems together, often through synchronized breathing. It can help synchronize heart rates and create a more harmonious and connected state between partners.
How can the practices of movement, breath work, and co-regulation be applied in real-life relationship scenarios?
-These practices can be applied before or after conflicts to establish a calm baseline for communication. For example, after an argument, partners can engage in synchronized breathing to calm down and reconnect.
Outlines
🗣️ Communication Challenges in Relationships
The paragraph discusses the common struggle many individuals face in communicating effectively within their relationships. It emphasizes that poor communication is not just about expressing oneself but is deeply linked to one's ability to regulate their nervous system. The speaker points out that while there is plenty of advice on how to communicate, much of it overlooks the importance of the body's regulation in facilitating clear and effective communication. The paragraph suggests that being in a state of overwhelm, stress, or anger hinders one's ability to convey messages or listen to a partner, highlighting the need for nervous system regulation as a foundational aspect of communication.
🧘♂️ The Role of Nervous System Regulation in Communication
This paragraph delves into the concept of nervous system regulation, explaining how it is crucial for effective communication. It introduces the idea of a 'baseline' within the nervous system, which when calm and grounded, allows for better communication. The speaker contrasts the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, likening them to a gas pedal and a brake pedal, respectively. The sympathetic system is associated with fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses, while the parasympathetic system is linked to relaxation and calmness. The paragraph suggests that to improve communication, one should aim to down-regulate the nervous system, moving from a state of high arousal to one of calm and regulation.
💡 Techniques for Nervous System Regulation
The final paragraph offers practical advice on how to regulate the nervous system to enhance communication. It suggests simple techniques such as movement, breath work, and co-regulation with a partner. The speaker explains the benefits of these methods, including reducing heart rate and syncing heart rates between partners, which can lead to a more relaxed and synchronized state. The paragraph concludes with an invitation for viewers to share their thoughts and ask questions, emphasizing the importance of practicing these techniques to establish a standard of calm and grounded communication within relationships.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Communication
💡Conflict
💡Nervous System Regulation
💡Sympathetic Nervous System
💡Parasympathetic Nervous System
💡Co-regulation
💡Breath Work
💡Redirect
💡Grounding
💡Homeostasis
Highlights
Communication struggles in relationships are common and often require improvement.
Poor communication is not just about expressing oneself but also about nervous system regulation.
Conflicts escalate due to poor nervous system regulation, not just communication skills.
Effective communication is linked to the ability to regulate one's body and nervous system.
Emotional states like anxiety, stress, or anger hinder effective communication.
Tactics for communication can be less effective if the nervous system is not regulated.
Effective communicators have a solid baseline of calmness and grounding.
The sympathetic nervous system is responsible for fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses.
The parasympathetic nervous system acts as a brake, promoting relaxation and calm.
Down-regulating the nervous system is key to effective communication during conflict.
Movement can help regulate the nervous system and prepare for difficult conversations.
Breath work is a powerful tool for reducing heart rate and promoting relaxation.
Co-regulation involves synchronizing nervous systems with a partner for better communication.
After an argument, co-regulation can help restore calm and prepare for constructive communication.
Leading communication from a grounded state sets a standard for healthy discussions in a relationship.
Engaging in breath synchronization can help align heart rates and create a more harmonious state.
Transcripts
do you suck
at communicating in your relationship
are you terrible at it do you feel like
you you are unable to communicate what
you want or what you need do you feel
like any time that you get into conflict
with your girlfriend or your wife that
it just sort of spirals into something
uh even bigger than the initial sort of
conflict or argument or disagreement
for a lot of guys communication
relationships is like one of the big
things that they're really trying to
work on and for a lot of men that i've
worked with over the years when they
when they come in whether they're coming
to work with me one-on-one or they're
coming to work with me as a couple
communication is is one of the biggest
challenges that they seem to be facing
in the relationship so why is it that
many of us
struggle to be proficient
at communicating in our relationships
the first thing they're going to say i'm
going to talk very clearly and give you
some very specific points about how to
improve
your communication within your
relationship but one of the things that
i think most of the videos on youtube
and most of the videos online
don't talk about when it comes to
communicating more effectively right
telling her exactly what you want
getting your needs met in a relationship
being clear being directors there's a
lot of good stuff out there and there's
some there's some really good advice
there's some shitty and terrible advice
but i think one of the things that most
of the videos miss
is that poor communication
is not just limited to your ability to
express yourself and that conflict and
arguments and fights recurring fights
happening within your relationship
not not
simply because you or your partner
have some bad habits in your
relationship or are you not very good at
communicating they happen
because
of the level of regulation within your
nervous system right so
your ability to communicate is directly
correlated to your ability to regulate
your body and your nervous system
so
your body your nervous system is an
incredibly important aspect of how you
communicate right if you are feeling
overwhelmed or stressed out if you're
feeling anxious or shut down if you're
feeling you know overwhelmed with anger
none of those experiences none of that
none of those states that you are
experiencing within your body within
your nervous system are going to be
conducive
for you
to communicate your message or to listen
to your partner or to communicate your
needs or your wants or your desires
to the woman that you're with
and so for a lot of men they go out you
know they watch youtube videos they go
and read a book and what they're looking
for are tactics of how to say the right
thing and there's a lot of stuff out
there that'll teach you
you know sentences and phrases that you
can use within your relationship how to
defuse an argument very quickly there's
some decent stuff out there but the
problem that a lot of guys face is that
using those tools right using just a you
know a simple uh sentence within a
conflict you know like the problem isn't
x the problem is why that's a very
simple redirect that you can use within
a relationship that you know if you're
if your partner is saying well the
problem is that you know you forgot to
do this
and you're saying no well the problem
isn't that i forgot to do that the
problem is that i just haven't had time
to get it done yet and and here's and
here's why right so there's a very
simple redirect that you can use but the
issue with that is that if your nervous
system if
as you're communicating from that you
know using that tactic using that
redirect if your nervous system is
dysregulated right you're you're tensed
you're wound up you're angry right
you're boiling you're like no the
problem isn't there the problem is
you're you're not going to be able to
communicate the message effectively and
so for most men
what i've seen over the years is the
problem i'm going to use it right now
the problem isn't that they're poor
communicators
the problem is that their nervous system
is poorly regulated and the degree that
you're able to regulate your nervous
system
equals the degree to which your partner
is going to trust your communication
and that you are going to trust your
capacity to communicate right
really effective communicators what they
do really well
is they create a baseline a felt
baseline of experience and so if you
watch any good communicator whether it's
a lawyer
you know in a courtroom or you watch
somebody on youtube or whatever it is
what they do really well first and
foremost is that they have a solid
baseline within their nervous system
they're calm they're grounded uh they're
centered
and from that place they can communicate
and you can see
anybody do this right anybody that you
that you follow or that you watch
the reason why
they're so
good at what they do the sort of draw
that you naturally feel towards them
is often that there's a there's a kind
of steadiness
to their nervous system right there's a
place of homeostasis of relaxation of
calm and ease
that naturally allows your body to
settle in so where a lot of men are
going wrong is not that they're
communicating poorly maybe that's true
some of the time and they they need to
actually
change the language that they're using
change the way they listen
but most of the time it's that the
baseline of their nervous system is
jacked up they're really anxious they're
super stressed out they're really angry
you know they're disconnected i don't
give a about this i don't care
about this i don't even want to be
talking about this and so they're
automatically disengaged and what
happens is that their partner can feel
that right your woman can feel that she
can feel when you're worked up so the
first step to healthier more potent more
powerful communication
is being able to
down regulate what's called down
regulate your nervous system so very
quickly your nervous system the
autonomic nervous system has two
separate parts the sympathetic and the
parasympathetic and i'm going to give
just a very basic version of this
there's there's so much more data and
information here that i can give but i'm
going to give you the basic version
which is that your sympathetic nervous
system is responsible for your fight
flight freeze
or fawn that one doesn't get talked
about a lot i'll touch on it here in a
second
uh so your sympathetic nervous system is
is kind of like the gas pedal you know
the more in your sympathetic nervous
system that you are
the more
uh that you're going to want to take
action you're going to want to do stuff
you're you're going to want to push back
in a conversation if you're a fighter
you're going to want to
shut down and run away if you are a
fleer you're going to want to not do
anything you know if you're a freezer
that sympathetic nervous system is
responsible for releasing a whole host
of chemicals within your body right
neural chemicals like
cortisol
and adrenaline depending on the
situation to to move you into action in
some capacity
the parasympathetic nervous system is
like the brake pedal so the
parasympathetic nervous system is what
gets activated like let's just say after
you have a big meal so after you eat a
big meal that's what you know your body
starts to relax and calm down your heart
rate you know goes down blood
accumulates within the core of your body
and you feel a little bit more at a
restful state
so if you're able to communicate from
this place even in high conflict
situations right maybe you forgot to do
something maybe your wife is upset with
you or she's pissed off the kids and
she's you know really riled up
if you're able to communicate and engage
from a more grounded
calm orientation
the likelihood that that communication
is going to go effectively versus if
you're wound up if you're super anxious
if you're really nervous if you're angry
the likelihood that it's going to go
well in your parasympathetic versus your
sympathetic is quite a bit higher so you
want to find ways to to
down regulate to regulate your nervous
system into that more calm grounded
orientation so how do we do that well
some very simple ways movement is a good
way right so if you know you're going to
have a tough conversation
you can move your body you can do some
stretches you can do some yoga you can
do some push-ups some squats just to get
the blood flowing in the body
and and feel a little bit more in the
body and out of the head because most of
us as men we live up here in our
thoughts constantly and we're
disconnected from the charge of anger or
anxiousness or stress that we are
actually feeling in our chest or in our
belly in our bodies so movement is one
breath work is another really big one
you know there are some very simple
protocols that you can use a really good
one that has been proven time and time
again i think it gets used with people
that have ptsd symptoms is inhale for
four in through the nose so for a count
of four hold for two exhale for six out
the mouth hold for two
and what this does is as you breathe in
through the nose very natural breath
right for a count of four that inhale is
measured and then you hold the breath
and exhale out through the mouth for six
and over time if you do this for a
minute or two minutes what it's actually
going to do is to start to
reduce your heart rate so if you're
feeling stressed if you're feeling
anxious about a conversation with your
partner or if you've had a little bit of
an argument and you're you know you're
worked up and your breath is shallow and
you're tense this is a really good
exercise for you to do
to allow yourself to down regularly
because you're sort of forcing your
heart rate down you're forcing your
blood pressure down and just that
natural shift can can cause a lot of
ease a lot of relaxation within the body
so you start to use
things like the breath work and then
finally is something called
co-regulation
co-regulation is when you
engage with your partner in the act of
regulating your nervous systems together
there's a number of ways to do this they
often include using the breath
but a very simple activity is going
forehead to forehead with your partner
putting your hands on the back on her
back and having her put her hands on
your back ideally where the very bottom
of the rib cage is
and when you do that just taking 30
maybe 40 breaths together and having
your breath match up with hers now
what's going to happen here again is
that after about 20 breaths right so
you've got forehead to forehead you've
got your hands on the back of her ribs
and you're following her breath so as
she inhales you inhale as she exhales
you exhale and as you go through this
practice after about 20 breaths because
you're following her breath
your heart rates are going to start to
sync up so your physical heartbeat
is going to reduce hers is going to
reduce and you're going to find yourself
in a much more
synchronistic space because your
heartbeats will actually start to line
up
and so it gives you a baseline where
you're regulating one another's nervous
system now obviously if you're in the
heat of an argument you're not gonna be
like uh let's sit down and put our
foreheads together and breathe
that's probably not what you're going to
do in the heat of an argument
however after an argument right you can
say hey
come sit down with me let's just take a
few breaths clearly this you know this
conversation did not go well but let's
just take a few breaths together and you
leading the
the repair after the conflict you
leading the communication you beginning
to sort of set the tone for this is how
we have these conversations we have
these conversations in a grounded way we
have these conversations in a calm way
and and you prioritizing that grounded
nature within your within your own body
first and foremost is going to set up a
certain standard within your
relationship
so comment below let me know what you
thought about this video let me know
what you took from it obviously i gave
you a couple very sort of basic
practices that you can use but let me
know what stood out to you what you
found helpful what you think would be
very helpful
for me to cover if you're looking for
more of this
in terms of practices or questions that
you'd like me to cover in future videos
so thanks very much for tuning in don't
forget to hit the subscribe button don't
forget to hit the bell notifications so
you can get notified of future videos
until next week this is connor beaton
signing off
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