Own your mistakes | Cristel Carrisi | TEDxZagreb

Summary

The speaker discusses the discomfort surrounding failure and how it's perceived differently in Italy compared to the United States. She shares her personal journey of founding a fashion brand and the eventual heartbreak of closing it down. The talk emphasizes the importance of taking responsibility for failures, focusing on personal growth rather than external perceptions, and finding balance to learn from setbacks. She concludes that failure can be a stepping stone to success if we own our mistakes and learn from them.

Takeaways

• 😣 Failure is an uncomfortable topic that everyone experiences but rarely discusses openly.
• 🌐 Cultural differences play a significant role in how failure is perceived; it's more accepted in the US but stigmatized in Italy.
• 🎤 Growing up in the public eye in Italy, the speaker faced additional pressure to avoid 'brutta figura' (losing face).
• 👚 The speaker's entrepreneurial journey led to the founding of a fashion brand, which she passionately developed over seven years.
• 💸 Despite hard work and dedication, financial realities forced the closure of her company, leading to a personal crisis around failure.
• 🔍 A pivotal moment came when an accountant advised her to focus on the efforts and achievements, not just the failure.
• 🏆 The speaker realized the importance of acknowledging her hard work and the value of the experience gained from failure.
• 📈 She learned that failure can be a stepping stone to success, but the path to that realization is not often discussed.
• 📋 The speaker proposes three guidelines to navigate failure: taking responsibility, focusing on personal growth, and finding balance.
• 🤔 The importance of not comparing oneself to others and focusing on personal journey and quality of work was emphasized.
• 🌈 Life's outcomes are influenced more by our reactions to events than the events themselves, highlighting the value of learning from failure.

Q & A

What is the main topic of the speech?

The main topic of the speech is the uncomfortable yet relatable subject of failure, and how it is perceived differently across cultures, particularly in the United States and Italy.

How does the speaker describe the cultural differences in dealing with failure between the United States and Italy?

In the United States, failure is more openly discussed, accepted, and even glorified to some extent, especially when discussed from a position of success. In contrast, in Italy, failure is seen as a stigma, embarrassing, shameful, and taboo.

What is 'brutta figura' and how does it relate to the fear of failure in Italy?

'Brutta figura' is an Italian term that means to lose face or to look bad. It relates to the fear of failure in Italy as it is culturally unacceptable to appear as if one has failed, which adds to the stigma around failure.

What challenges did the speaker face growing up in the public eye in Italy?

The speaker faced the challenge of public judgment and mass media scrutiny due to her parents being known singers in Italy, which made avoiding 'brutta figura' even more difficult.

What entrepreneurial venture did the speaker start at the age of 24?

The speaker started her first company, a fashion brand specializing in swimwear, at the age of 24.

How did the speaker feel when she had to close down her company?

The speaker felt embarrassed, shameful, and was worried about what people would say and think, which reflects the cultural stigma of failure in Italy.

What advice did the speaker's accountant give her that helped her come to terms with her failure?

The accountant advised her to stop focusing on the end result of closing her company and to give herself credit for the hard work and accomplishments over the seven years.

What were some of the accomplishments the speaker achieved with her fashion brand?

The speaker grew her brand into a recognizable and reputable one, worked with incredible photographers, influencers, and models worldwide, and received thousands of emails from satisfied clients.

What are the three guidelines the speaker suggests to get through and own up to failure?

The three guidelines are: 1) Be responsible and take full ownership of mistakes, 2) Focus on oneself and not on others' opinions or lives, and 3) Find balance by recognizing both the negatives and positives of one's journey.

How does the speaker define success and failure?

The speaker defines success and failure not as black and white but as a spectrum, where life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

What is the key takeaway from the speaker's experience with failure?

The key takeaway is that failure can be inspiring and lead to better things, but only if we learn from it and own up to our failures.

Outlines

00:00

🌐 Embracing Failure Across Cultures

The speaker begins by addressing the difficulty of discussing failure, a topic that is uncomfortable yet universally relatable. She contrasts the attitudes towards failure in the United States, where it is openly discussed and even glorified to some extent, with Italy, where it is a source of shame and embarrassment. Growing up in Italy as a public figure with famous parents, she was under constant scrutiny and felt immense pressure to avoid 'brutta figura' or losing face. Despite her fear of failure, she pursued an entrepreneurial venture, establishing a fashion brand. After dedicating seven years and significant effort, she faced the reality of having to close her business due to financial insolvency. The speaker shares her initial reluctance to accept this failure and the shame associated with it, but through a conversation with her accountant, she learned to appreciate the hard work and achievements that led to the failure, rather than just focusing on the end result.

05:04

📈 Overcoming Failure: A Three-Step Guide

In the second paragraph, the speaker shares her journey of coming to terms with the failure of her business and offers a three-step guide to help others navigate through their own failures. The first step is to be responsible, acknowledging one's mistakes and taking ownership of them without blaming external factors. The second step is to focus on oneself, rather than comparing oneself to others or being overly concerned with the opinions of others, especially in the context of social media. The third step is to find balance, recognizing both the negative aspects of failure and the positive outcomes it can lead to. The speaker emphasizes the importance of learning from failure and owning up to it, rather than viewing it as an absolute negative. She concludes with the idea that life is shaped more by our reactions to events than the events themselves, and that true success comes from learning and growing through failure.

Keywords

💡failure

Failure is the inability to achieve a desired outcome despite one's efforts. In the script, failure is portrayed as an inevitable part of life that everyone experiences, from minor setbacks like failing an exam to major life challenges like keeping a family together. The speaker uses her own experience of failing to maintain her fashion brand to illustrate how failure can be a stepping stone to learning and growth, rather than just an end point.

💡uncomfortable topics

Uncomfortable topics are subjects that people generally find difficult to discuss due to their sensitive or controversial nature. The script mentions that failure is one such topic, as it is often met with embarrassment and shame. The discomfort around discussing failure is used to highlight the societal pressure to succeed and the stigma attached to not meeting expectations.

💡stigma

A stigma is a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person. In the context of the script, the stigma of failure in Italy is discussed as something that is embarrassing and shameful, which contrasts with the more open attitude towards failure in the United States. The stigma is used to explain cultural differences in how failure is perceived and the impact it has on individuals.

💡brutta figura

Brutta figura is an Italian expression that translates to 'ugly figure' and refers to the social embarrassment or loss of face that comes from failing or making a mistake. The speaker mentions this concept to emphasize the cultural aversion to failure in Italy, where maintaining a good appearance is highly valued, and failure is seen as something to be avoided at all costs.

💡entrepreneurial

Entrepreneurial refers to the qualities or actions of an entrepreneur, someone who organizes and operates a business, taking on financial risks to do so. The speaker's desire to be entrepreneurial is a driving force behind her founding a fashion brand, despite the fear of failure that she might face as a result.

💡accountant

An accountant is a professional who manages financial records and ensures compliance with tax laws. In the script, the speaker's accountant plays a pivotal role by advising her to close down her company when it is no longer financially viable. This interaction illustrates the practical realities of business failure and the difficult decisions that must be made.

💡responsible

To be responsible means to have an obligation to do something, or to account for one's actions. The speaker emphasizes the importance of taking responsibility for one's failures as a step towards learning from them. She contrasts this with the instinct to blame others or external circumstances, advocating for self-reflection and accountability.

💡focus on you

Focusing on oneself means concentrating on one's own actions, progress, and well-being rather than comparing oneself to others. The speaker advises against wasting time worrying about others' opinions or comparing one's life to the curated images on social media, which often do not reflect reality. Instead, she encourages focusing on personal growth and the quality of one's own efforts.

💡balance

Balance, in the context of the script, refers to the equilibrium between self-criticism and self-recognition. The speaker discusses finding a balance where she could acknowledge her failures without overlooking her hard work and achievements. This balance is crucial for gaining clarity and learning from one's experiences.

💡own up to

To own up to something means to accept responsibility for one's actions or mistakes. The speaker talks about the importance of owning up to failures as a way to move forward and learn. She shares her journey of coming to terms with the closure of her company and how it allowed her to embrace the lessons from her failure.

💡guideline

A guideline is a principle or rule to guide behavior. The speaker provides a set of guidelines for dealing with failure, which includes being responsible, focusing on oneself, and finding balance. These guidelines are presented as a framework to help others navigate through their own failures more gracefully.

Highlights

Failure is an uncomfortable topic that everyone can relate to.

In the United States, failure is discussed and accepted, whereas in Italy, it's a stigma.

The speaker grew up in the public eye in Italy, which intensified the fear of failure.

Despite the fear, the speaker founded a fashion brand at the age of 24.

After seven years of hard work, the speaker had to close down the company due to financial reasons.

The fear of 'brutta figura' or losing face in Italy made admitting failure difficult.

The speaker's accountant advised focusing on the work done rather than the failure.

The speaker started the company with minimal savings and organized the first fashion show in her father's backyard.

Despite initial disasters, the brand grew into a recognizable and reputable one over seven years.

The speaker received thousands of emails from satisfied clients.

Failure can be inspiring, but the process of dealing with it is often overlooked.

The speaker provides three guidelines on how to get through and own up to failure.

The first guideline is to be responsible and take full ownership of mistakes.

The second guideline is to focus on oneself rather than comparing to others.

The third guideline is to find balance between self-judgment and recognizing one's efforts.

Success is not a destination; life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react.

Learning from failure and owning up to it is the true path to growth.

The speaker concludes with a powerful message on the importance of embracing failure.

Transcripts

Translator: Sofia Ramundo Reviewer: Queenie Lee

So, it's hard to talk about failure, isn't it?

It's probably one of the most uncomfortable topics

that you could bring up.

No one likes to admit to them, and yet, it's the most relatable topic.

Everyone in this room has failed at something at some point.

There is the little things,

like failing an exam, or a driver's test, a diet regime,

and then there is the big things that touch us all in life,

like the failure to keep a family together,

getting fired,

failure to keep sober, or to raise a child properly.

I'm half American and half Italian,

and in the United States, failure is something that's talked about.

It's accepted;

it's woven into the fabric of social experiences.

So it's something that even, at times, is glorified,

yet it's still really only cool to talk about failure

from a point of success or power.

I, however, grew up in Italy,

and Italy is a country where failure is an absolute stigma.

It's embarrassing; it's shameful; it's taboo.

There's also the constant threat of the "brutta figura,"

which means, in Italian, to lose face or to look bad,

because we think that failure makes you look bad,

in Italy and in many other countries too.

In my particular case, this was a little more exasperated

by the fact that I grew up in the public eye.

My parents are known singers in Italy, and ever since I was a little girl,

I've been subjected to public judgment and mass media.

And so, growing up in a country

where brutta figura is supposed to be avoided at all costs,

growing up and keeping up appearances hasn't always been that easy of a task.

I've been in the entertainment industry ever since I can remember,

and I've always felt within me the need to do something though, for myself.

I still today work for Italian television,

but I wanted to do something entrepreneurial,

but I wouldn't let the fear of failure get in the way of doing something new.

And I shouldn't then let the shame of failure

eventually get in the way of learning a valuable lesson.

So when I was 24, I founded my first company,

my fashion brand, my swimwear brand.

And I put seven years of blood, sweat, and tears into this company.

I worked so hard, I truly gave it my all,

until one day, I found myself sitting at the desk of my accountant

crying and whining

because he was telling me that it was time to close down my company.

It just wasn't making financial sense to keep it open anymore.

And I was just looking at him

like, "You're crazy, how can I close down.

This is so embarrassing, this brutta figura, it's so shameful.

What are people going to say, what are people going to think?"

And he looked at me exasperated because, honestly,

this was not the first time we were having this conversation.

It was probably our fifth. I just couldn't admit failure.

I couldn't admit to the shame

that I thought that failure was wrapped in.

But he finally looked at me,

and he said something to me that really resonated with me,

and it eventually freed me.

He said to stop focusing so much on the end result,

on the fact that I had to close down my company,

but to give myself the right amount of credit

for all the amazing work that I had put in over these seven years

and all the accomplishments that I had achieved.

And he was right; he had seen it all.

I mean, I had started this company with nothing but my few savings.

My first fashion show was in my backyard - well actually, was my dad's backyard -

and I had to beg him to let me use the space for it.

Because I had to have my first fashion show in it.

So this was me in 2011,

carrying rocks from one side of the runway to the other,

just hours before the guests and all the press had arrived.

And when they finally did arrive,

it had just poured down rain over the entire catwalk

and on the bales of hay that I had put for people to sit on,

and even, finally, on the towels that I had put over those bales of hay,

everything was completely soaking wet,

and nobody wanted to sit down and let the fashion show begin.

When finally I did convince them to sit down,

the models were completely unprofessional,

because at that point, my company couldn't afford professional models.

It was a half disaster if not a total disaster.

Over those seven years, however,

I managed to grow my brand into a recognizable and reputable brand.

I worked with incredible photographers,

influencers, and models all over the world.

I shot my campaigns all over the world, from California to Thailand,

where I ended up shooting my last campaign.

I received thousands of emails of happy, happy clients,

who would write to me how happy they were with their product.

In the end, we think that failure -

Or at least, we hear so much how failure should be inspiring.

I was so fixated on the fact that I had to close down my company

that I had wiped away all these years of hard work and accomplishments.

Failure can be inspiring and can lead to bigger and better things,

but nobody really talks about that process of how do you get there:

How do you get through a failure, how do you own it?

So I've put together a basic guideline, of three basic guidelines,

of how you can get through a failure and own up to one

so that you can fail a little more elegantly than I have.

And these, in my case, it's in work, in my company,

but it can be applicable to anything, whether it's a relationship,

or whatever personal issue that you're struggling with or failing at.

Number one: be responsible.

I know how boring it sounds, but trust me, I'm going to try to make it interesting.

When we make a mistake or when things go awfully wrong,

our first instinct is, usually, to blame somebody else

and not take full responsibility.

I see this happen a lot in relationships,

but not taking the blame doesn't make us look any cooler,

it just either makes us look like cowards,

or it makes us look like we're in total denial.

As much as I really wanted to blame the Italian tax system

for being the reason why I had to close my company down,

I'm not going to do that; I'm still trying not to do that.

But if you're not going to make a mistake and finally admit to it

and understand how and where you made the mistake,

then what's the point in failing at all?

I am who I am and where I am today thanks to the consequences of my choices

and my choices only, nobody else's.

And if we're going to be responsible for our goals, our ideals, and our dreams,

we're going to have to be responsible for our failures

so that one day we can truly be responsible for our successes.

Number two: focus on you.

I can't tell you how much time I've wasted

worrying about what other people thought of me,

and when I'm not thinking about what other people are thinking about me,

I'm comparing my life to other people's.

In our generation, especially,

we're constantly bombarded and flooded

by images of completely unrealistic lifestyles on social media.

My life looks incredible on Instagram,

and I promise you, it's completely far from it.

I have normal ups and downs, just like everybody else's,

I just choose not to show it on social media.

I promise you, I didn't take a selfie and post it

the day that I was crying on my accountant's desk.

I did, however, take a selfie one day

when I was walking home it started pouring down rain on me,

I was carrying these heavy bottles of water alone

until I finally got in front of my house, and I was locked outside.

So I'm under the pouring rain with my bottles of water,

locked out of my house,

but you know what I posted at that moment?

I posted this picture.

Don't worry about what other people are doing.

Focus on you, focus on the quality of your hard work and on your journey.

Do not waste your time looking at what other people are doing,

because it's not reality.

Number three is balance.

I had to find the balance within me

where I was judging myself so harshly that I felt like a loser,

but I wasn't recognizing all my hard work and accomplishments.

But I also had to take the right amount of responsibility

and understand how and where I went wrong.

I had to find that balance and meet myself in the middle

because only through balance you truly get clarity,

and only through clarity do you really understand where the message is

and you learn something.

I was someone that was obsessed with the idea of success.

But success is not some magical land at the end of the rainbow,

in the same way that failure isn't black and white.

Life is truly 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Yes, failure can be inspiring.

Yes, it can lead us to bigger and better things,

but the only true way we get there is if we learn something

and if we own up to our failures.

Thank you.

(Applause)