Jordan Peterson - The DISASTROUS CONSEQUENCES of GROWING UP WITHOUT a FATHER

Summary

The speaker emphasizes the vital role fathers play in a child's development, especially for boys. Without a father figure, children may seek masculinity in unhealthy ways, like joining gangs. Fathers provide encouragement, support, and standards for success, which is crucial for children to thrive. The speaker critiques the modern notion that all family structures are equal, arguing that children benefit from having two parents. The conversation touches on how a lack of a father can lead to victimization culture and delinquency, stressing the importance of responsibility in shaping character and providing meaning in life.

Takeaways

• 👨‍👦 Fatherless boys often seek masculinity in peer groups or gangs, which can lead to negative consequences due to lack of proper guidance.
• 📚 Boys without fathers can still find positive male role models through education, books, sports heroes, and media, though it's difficult to replace the role of a father.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 The idea that all family structures are equal is refuted, as children tend to fare better with two parents, though the specific makeup of the parents can vary.
• ⚠️ Single-parenthood becoming normalized can lead to societal degeneration, as it increases the risks of unhealthy parent-child relationships.
• 💡 Marriage should primarily be for the benefit of children, not just the adults involved, reinforcing the importance of stable family structures.
• 🤝 A father's confidence in his child provides a unique gift of support and encouragement, fostering resilience in the child.
• 👩‍🍼 Mothers typically provide early trust-building and nurturing, but the father's role in encouragement and strength is vital as the child grows.
• 🧑‍🏫 Children benefit greatly from having at least one positive role model to imitate, and lacking this may lead them toward victimization or unhealthy group identities.
• 👨‍⚖️ Fathers should impose high standards on their children, balancing discipline with support to foster growth and responsibility.
• 💪 Responsibility gives life meaning, and young men, in particular, crave this sense of purpose and are driven by the need to bear responsibility.

Q & A

What does the speaker suggest happens to boys who lack fathers?

The speaker suggests that boys who lack fathers often seek masculinity in their friends or by joining gangs. They try to fill the gap of missing father figures, but due to their lack of maturity and guidance, this often leads to poor decisions.

Why does the speaker believe it's important for children to have two parents?

The speaker argues that children are better off with two parents because it provides them with a balanced source of support and authority. They believe single parenthood becoming the norm is a sign of societal degeneration.

What role does the speaker attribute to fathers in the upbringing of a child?

The speaker attributes the role of support, encouragement, and confidence-building to fathers. A father who believes in his child and supports their efforts provides a unique gift that helps the child face challenges with confidence.

How does the speaker describe the potential risks in single-parent families?

The speaker mentions the risk of relationships between a single parent and their child becoming too close, leading to blurred lines and emotional enmeshment. This can create an unhealthy dynamic due to the lack of distributed responsibility.

What does the speaker believe is the danger of normalizing single parenthood?

The speaker believes normalizing single parenthood is dangerous because it neglects the empirical data showing that children benefit from having two parents. They argue that marriage and family should prioritize the well-being of children, not just the adults.

What does the speaker imply about the role of responsibility in life?

The speaker implies that responsibility is what gives life meaning, particularly for young men. Carrying the burden of responsibility helps individuals feel a sense of purpose and worth, countering feelings of inadequacy and helplessness.

How does the speaker describe the psychological impact of a father’s rejection?

The speaker suggests that when a father rejects or fails to form a relationship with their child, it is as if the child is rejected by civilization itself. This can lead to deep psychological harm, making it hard for the child to recover and feel worthy.

What alternatives does the speaker suggest for boys without father figures?

The speaker suggests that boys without father figures can find masculine role models in education, books, movies, or sports heroes. The father’s role can be fragmented and distributed across the community, but it's still a challenge for the child.

What message does the speaker believe young men need to hear?

The speaker believes that young men need to hear the message that they have potential, and they should strive to bring out the best in themselves. This involves taking responsibility, facing challenges, and aiming for personal development.

How does the speaker view the relationship between a father and authority?

The speaker views a father as a figure who should impose high standards on their children, always judging their behavior with the aim of fostering their best qualities. The father should provide both care and encouragement while pushing the child to succeed.

Outlines

00:00

👨‍👦 The Role of Father Figures and the Impact of Their Absence

This paragraph explores the detrimental effects of fatherlessness on children, especially boys. Boys without fathers often try to compensate by forming gangs, creating a version of masculinity that lacks proper guidance. The speaker argues that while boys can find father figures in friends, education, media, or sports, the absence of a father figure creates significant challenges. The text criticizes modern societal norms that claim all family structures are equally beneficial to children, highlighting the importance of two-parent households. The speaker also reflects on the potential risks of overly close parent-child relationships in single-parent families and how societal degradation is linked to the normalization of single parenthood. Finally, the paragraph emphasizes that marriage is primarily for the benefit of children, rather than the married couple, and stresses the critical role fathers play in providing confidence and support to their children.

05:01

📚 The Influence of Positive Role Models vs. Victimhood Culture

This paragraph discusses the importance of children, especially those who are neurologically intact, having at least one positive role model to imitate. The absence of such figures often leads to the default adoption of a victimhood mentality, which may bring short-term benefits like avoidance of responsibility, but has long-term negative consequences. The speaker reflects on their upbringing in a working-class community, noting how delinquent behavior often comes with rationalizations. These rationalizations are dangerous as they justify antisocial actions. The absence of a father figure, seen as the embodiment of societal order, can leave individuals feeling worthless and rejected by civilization. A father's role should be to impose high standards on their children, not out of tyranny but to bring out their best potential. The speaker argues that people, particularly young men, crave this kind of responsibility and guidance to help them develop self-respect and purpose.

Keywords

💡Fatherlessness

Fatherlessness refers to the absence of a father figure in a child's life, which the speaker suggests has profound consequences, particularly for boys. Without a father, boys often seek male role models or forms of masculinity in their friends or, more dangerously, in gangs. The speaker stresses that having a father figure is essential for children to grow and develop in a healthy manner, as the father provides support, encouragement, and discipline.

💡Masculinity

Masculinity in the context of the video refers to the qualities and attributes traditionally associated with being male, such as strength, authority, and responsibility. The speaker argues that boys without fathers often turn to gangs to replicate a distorted version of masculinity, which lacks proper guidance. The father figure is viewed as crucial in guiding boys into a healthy expression of masculinity.

💡Gangs

Gangs are mentioned as a negative substitute for missing father figures, particularly for fatherless boys. When boys lack proper male role models, they sometimes join gangs to fill that void, which can result in misguided attempts to assert masculinity. The speaker points out that gang members, typically young and inexperienced, are ill-equipped to offer the guidance and support needed for proper development.

💡Authority

Authority in the video refers to the capacity to guide and impose standards of behavior, often embodied by the father figure. Fathers provide necessary authority over their children, particularly during adolescence, when boys seek independence. Without a strong sense of authority from a father, children may struggle to self-regulate and find proper guidance in life.

💡Single Parenthood

Single parenthood, especially when it becomes the societal norm, is criticized by the speaker. He argues that children need two parents for balanced development, and that single-parent households often lack the resources and balance necessary for healthy growth. The absence of one parent, especially a father, can lead to over-dependence on the remaining parent and blurring of traditional family roles.

💡Marriage

Marriage is viewed as a societal institution primarily for the benefit of children, rather than for the adults involved. The speaker argues that marriage provides a stable structure for raising children, with each parent playing distinct and important roles. He criticizes modern society's tendency to view marriage as merely a personal choice, rather than a responsibility to future generations.

💡Encouragement

Encouragement is a key role the father plays, as he is expected to support and push his children to reach their full potential. The father’s belief in his child’s abilities is seen as invaluable for building confidence and resilience. The speaker emphasizes that children who do not receive this encouragement from their fathers may struggle with self-worth and motivation.

💡Responsibility

Responsibility is described as a central concept for finding meaning in life, especially for young men. The speaker argues that taking on responsibilities—whether through work, family, or self-improvement—gives individuals purpose. He asserts that many young men are eager for responsibility, and it is the father’s role to help guide them in taking on meaningful responsibilities.

💡Victimization Culture

Victimization culture refers to the tendency of individuals or groups to adopt a mindset where they view themselves as victims in order to justify anti-social or avoidant behavior. The speaker criticizes this mindset, suggesting that it provides short-term relief from responsibility but leads to long-term negative consequences. He argues that people need to adopt responsibility rather than seeing themselves as victims.

💡Role Models

Role models are crucial for the healthy development of children, particularly boys, according to the speaker. A positive role model—whether a parent, teacher, or sports hero—demonstrates the traits necessary for success in life. The speaker emphasizes that children need at least one person in their immediate environment to model positive behavior, or they risk turning to negative influences.

Highlights

Boys without fathers often seek masculine identity through gangs, which can be detrimental as they lack proper guidance.

The father plays a critical role in supporting and encouraging children, instilling confidence that helps them face challenges.

The claim that all families are equal is challenged; empirical data supports the idea that having two parents is better for children.

Marriage is primarily for the children, not the parents, and people need to grow up and recognize this responsibility.

Lack of a father's belief in their child's potential makes it very hard for the child to thrive.

Fathers provide unique encouragement and confidence-building that is vital for children to overcome life's adversities.

Mothers establish trust early on by being the primary caregivers, but fathers play a complementary role in developing resilience.

A child's development benefits from at least one positive role model, preferably within their immediate environment.

In the absence of positive role models, children may default to victimized group identities or adopt antisocial behaviors.

Avoiding responsibility or antisocial behavior provides short-term benefits but results in long-term consequences.

Rejection by a father or the lack of a relationship can lead to a feeling of being cast out by society, making recovery difficult.

Fathers should impose high standards on their children, encouraging their best qualities to emerge while remaining supportive.

A father’s role is to push their child out into the world with strength while offering care when necessary.

Responsibility is what gives life meaning, particularly for young men, who crave the challenge of carrying a load.

For men, responsibility is essential for self-respect and meaning, driving them to face challenges and grow stronger.

Transcripts

no but the kids who lack fathers i mean

first of all they can find that to some

degree in their friends and that's often

what fatherless boys do in particular

they they go into gangs and they

generate the missing masculinity in the

game well that's not so good because

like what the hell do they know

well they don't know anything right

they're just stupid kids and they're

like 15 years old and their testosterone

is pumping and they're trying to get the

hell away from their mother which is

what they're supposed to do and and

they're not in the right position to

exercise any authority over themselves

so that's that's not good they can find

it in education they can find it in

books they can find it in movies they

can find it in sports heroes and so

forth because the image of the father is

fragmented and distributed among the

community but it's very very difficult

to not have a father and you know one of

the things that we're doing in our

society which i think is i think it's

absolutely appalling is that we're

making the case that all families are

equal it's like sorry no wrong

then there's no empirical data

supporting that proposition by the way

it's much better for kids to have two

parents now who those parents are that's

a whole different issue i think it's the

same issue you know i mean i think that

another danger that emerges mrs freud's

of course famous observation is that you

know if if there's mom and child or

father and child that relationship can

get a little closer than it should

and then the lines get blurry and mixed

and i'm not saying that that happens to

everyone obviously but but it's still a

danger that's inherent in the situation

they're thrust together too tightly

without sufficient resources and so the

responsibility has to be distributed

more and like i really do think that

it's the sign of the degeneration of a

society when

that when when single parenthood becomes

anything approximating the norm it's not

a good idea then the part of the reason

i believe that and i think this has to

do with the um overwhelming selfishness

of of of modern life is that marriage

isn't for the people who are married

it's for the children obviously and like

if you can't handle that grow the hell

up

it's a hell of a thing not to have the

confidence of your father

it's really really hard on people you

know if your father is someone who says

to you you can do it i really believe

that you can do it i'll support you in

what you're doing i think that you can

sort it out and then acts towards you in

that way that's a gift that really

almost no one else can provide you with

mothers obviously provide i think they

provide the same kind of gift but

earlier you know because the mother has

to take care of the infant when the

infant is just completely dependent and

so and this is erickson's idea too eric

erickson is the mother is

is the person who establishes the

relationship that allows the developing

person to manifest trust real trust

while you're being carried for crying

out loud you know you can be dropped and

the mother's also the source of food but

the father seems to be something like

the

and i'm being

i'm obviously parsing these things

farther apart than they can need to be

because the father can play a nurturing

role and the mother can play an

encouraging role but

we'll keep it simple for now the father

seems to be the thing that supports and

encourages and says well yeah you know

you're little and small and all of that

and you're subject to destruction and

and and bullying and social pressure and

all that but i know you can do it i know

you can do it and there's a force in

that that's unbelievable and people who

don't have that have a have a hell of a

time it's actually one of the things

that's quite fun about doing

psychotherapy because you get people who

have damaged father figures

that so the father is an encouraging

figure and allows the individual at

least in principle to support the

catastrophe of being voluntarily

if and i believe this like it's one of

the things i've noticed about kids who

are let's say neurologically

intact

these are

there's lots of reasons why

people can develop psychological

disorders and some of them are physical

but imagine that you take a child who's

physically healthy

and you put them in a given environment

my my intuition has been that

the child needs to have at least one

positive role model within

uh imitation distance now sometimes he

or she can sort of piece that together

fragmentarily also from popular media

images you know the images of the heroes

in movies and so on but it's really

helpful to have at least one person in

your immediate environment who is

manifesting the pattern that

characterizes individual success and so

maybe it's something like

if that positive role model isn't there

then the easiest default is to a

victimized group identity

you know of secondary gains

and so if we're going to be

critical in our analysis about

victimization culture

we might ask well what benefits does it

bring to the people who adopt it

so and you know those can and when i

mean benefits i i don't mean long-term

iterative high

quality benefits i mean short-term

payoffs let's say you know how it is if

you have work to do and you avoid it

that's a short-term payoff it's a

benefit

and because you don't have to do the

work now there's a medium to long-term

cost but i'm very curious about

about the the element of victimization

culture that justifies

i think anti-social and avoidant

behavior is probably the right way of

putting it now you know where i grew up

i grew up in a working-class community

and i had friends and associates who

were who ranged from you know pretty

decent kids to pretty solidly planted in

the delinquent camp

and generally the more delinquent types

had a whole handful of rationalizations

for their behavior

and

and it's it's very dangerous to have

those rationalizations at hand because

most forms of antisocial behavior

or avoidant behavior for that matter

very bad medium to long term strategies

because if your father rejects you or

doesn't form a relationship with you

it's as if the spirit of civilization

has left you

outside the walls as of little worth

it's very difficult for people to

recover from that so the father should

be an encouraging force but can be a

tyrannical and crushing force and so

that's very

that's a very difficult thing to get

right partly because

if you're my son

then i should impose the highest

standards of behavior on you and i

should always be judging what you're

doing

i should be judging it with with the aim

of making the best in you come forward

no i'm going to make you strong so any

number of things can happen to you and

when you're when you need some care i'll

be there but otherwise like out into the

world with you that's the right attitude

and for the father it's like get your

bloody act together but i'm on your side

it's because not because i want to

destroy you or demean you or push you

down in the dominance hierarchy because

i want the best in you to emerge and so

you need standards it's like what are

you doing wasting your life there's way

more than that to you get your act

together and bring it out and that's a

message that people really want to hear

if they have any sense at all and

generally they do want to hear it

here you are

suffering away

what makes it worthwhile right

you know you're completely out you're

completely you have no idea what you're

you it's almost impossible to describe

how bad an idea that is

responsibility

that's what gives life meaning

it's like lift a load

then you can tolerate yourself right

because look at you're useless

easily hurt easily killed why should you

have any self-respect

that's the story of the fall

pick something up and carry it pic make

it heavy enough so that you can think

yeah well useless as i am at least i

could move that from there to there this

responsibility thing that's a whole new

order of this is that young men are so

hungry for that it is unbelievable and

the thing is for men there's nothing but

responsibility