i'm not an alien i'm just autistic :)

Summary

In this video, Savannah Brown shares her personal journey of receiving an autism diagnosis at 26. She reflects on her childhood struggles with social cues and sensory sensitivities, the emotional impact of her diagnosis, and the relief it brought to understanding her lifelong experiences. Savannah also discusses the challenges of masking her autism and the positive aspects of self-acceptance, offering hope and solidarity to others who may relate to her story.

Takeaways

• 😀 The video's creator, Savannah, humorously introduces her autism diagnosis and the impact it has had on her life.
• 🔍 Savannah was diagnosed with autism at age 26, which confirmed her earlier suspicions and brought a sense of closure.
• 😢 She experienced sadness and emotional turmoil after the diagnosis, reflecting on how autism has affected her from a young age.
• 🧠 Savannah discusses how her childhood behaviors, such as sensitivity and social struggles, were indicative of her autism.
• 📝 She shares a personal essay and her father's observations, which highlight her unique traits and challenges growing up.
• 🏫 Savannah describes her school years as traumatizing, feeling socially awkward and unable to connect with peers.
• 🤯 She talks about the exhausting effort of masking her autism to fit in and the sense of being fundamentally different from others.
• 🌐 Savannah found solace and a sense of belonging on the internet, which became a crucial space for her identity and expression.
• 🔄 Post-diagnosis, she is reevaluating her life, focusing on self-acceptance and removing shame associated with her autistic traits.
• 🌟 Savannah emphasizes the positive aspects of her life, such as her happiness, curiosity, and the joy she finds in simple pleasures.
• 🤝 She acknowledges the fear of how others might react to her diagnosis but also the support she's received from understanding communities.

Q & A

What was Savannah's initial suspicion about her condition before getting a formal diagnosis?

Savannah initially suspected she had a hint of autism, but later realized it was more than just a hint, as she described it as 'the whole damned case'.

At what age was Savannah diagnosed with autism?

Savannah was diagnosed with autism at the age of 26.

How did Savannah feel emotionally after receiving her autism diagnosis?

Initially, Savannah felt very sad, but then she experienced a profound sense of closure and was able to move on from a pain that had affected her since her youth.

What kind of childhood behaviors did Savannah exhibit that were later recognized as autistic traits?

As a child, Savannah showed traits such as sensitivity, emotionality, clumsiness, severe food pickiness, and a tendency to withdraw from social interactions.

How did Savannah's social experiences in middle school affect her?

Savannah struggled socially in middle school, feeling unable to say the right words and often experiencing nervousness and confusion. She felt socially rejected and was sometimes perceived as making her peers uncomfortable.

What was Savannah's approach to dealing with her perceived differences during her school years?

Savannah tried to 'become good and likable' by adopting personality traits she found attractive in others, essentially curating a persona to mask her true self.

How did Savannah's undiagnosed autism affect her mental health?

Savannah experienced significant mental health challenges due to her undiagnosed autism, including feelings of social rejection, exhaustion from constantly acting in different social roles, and contemplation of not being alive.

What positive aspects of her life does Savannah highlight after her diagnosis?

After her diagnosis, Savannah highlights her happiness, curiosity, strong interests, and the joy she finds in simple pleasures such as reading, being with her cat, and enjoying her own company at home.

What is Savannah's perspective on the concept of 'masking' in relation to her autism?

Savannah acknowledges that her ability to 'mask' her autistic traits has been useful in certain situations, but she also recognizes the importance of not having to do it all the time and is working towards a place where she feels comfortable being herself.

How does Savannah feel about the autism community and the support she has found online?

Savannah expresses gratitude for the internet and the community she has found there, noting that it has been a 'godsend' and has helped her feel less alone in her experiences.

What does Savannah suggest as a potential area of research regarding autism and certain personal interests?

Savannah suggests that there might be a higher incidence rate of autism among people with specific fetishes, hypothesizing a connection based on hyper fixation and sensory seeking behaviors.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 Accepting Autism: A Personal Journey

Savannah introduces her autism diagnosis at age 26, which brought her a mix of emotions. Initially sad, she soon felt a sense of closure and the ability to move on from lifelong pain. She reflects on her childhood, where she felt different due to her sensitivity and unique traits. Savannah's diagnosis confirmed what she had long suspected and allowed her to understand her past experiences in a new light.

05:00

😔 The Struggles of Social Confusion

In this paragraph, Savannah describes her middle school years as traumatic due to her inability to understand social cues, which led to social rejection. She felt constantly nervous and confused, struggling to fit in. Her parents, unaware of her internal turmoil, saw her as a straight-A student with no behavioral issues. Savannah's attempts to fit in involved adopting traits from others, leading to a sense of isolation and a belief that she was inherently flawed.

10:04

🌈 Finding Solace in the Internet and Independence

Savannah discusses how the internet became a safe haven for her, providing a space where she could express herself without the pressures of in-person social interactions. She reflects on the relief of not having to attend school and the freedom of being able to live independently. Savannah also touches on her past feelings of loneliness and how her perception of 'normal' affected her self-esteem and happiness.

15:06

😃 Embracing Personal Joys and Strengths

Here, Savannah shares the positive aspects of her life, such as her love for reading, her cat, and the comfort of her own home. She describes her intense emotional experiences and how she finds joy in simple pleasures. Savannah is learning to accept and celebrate her unique traits, using them as tools for self-care and understanding, rather than sources of shame.

20:06

🌱 Growth Through Self-Understanding and Acceptance

In the final paragraph, Savannah talks about the growth she has experienced since her diagnosis. She discusses the importance of self-acceptance and the relief of understanding her autism. Savannah also acknowledges the fears and challenges that come with her diagnosis but emphasizes the overall positive impact it has had on her life. She expresses hope for others who might be going through similar experiences and encourages them to find peace in understanding themselves.

Keywords

💡Autism

Autism, or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), is a developmental disorder characterized by difficulties in social interaction, communication, and repetitive or restrictive behaviors. In the video, the creator's diagnosis of autism at age 26 brings a sense of closure and understanding to her lifelong experiences of feeling different and struggling with social cues. The realization that her behaviors and sensitivities are part of a recognized condition provides relief and a new perspective on her identity.

💡Diagnostic Process

The diagnostic process refers to the series of assessments and evaluations conducted by medical professionals to determine whether an individual has a particular condition. In the script, the creator describes being diagnosed with autism, which involved writing a detailed essay about her life experiences and behaviors, illustrating the introspective and comprehensive nature of the diagnostic process for autism.

💡Masking

Masking in the context of autism refers to the act of suppressing or hiding one's autistic traits to appear more 'neurotypical' or socially acceptable. The creator discusses her ability to mask her autism, which has been both a coping mechanism and a source of strain. It highlights the pressure many autistic individuals feel to conform to societal expectations and the toll it can take on their mental health.

💡Emotional Rocked

To be 'emotionally rocked' implies experiencing strong emotional reactions that can be unsettling or overwhelming. The creator uses this term to describe her reaction to receiving her autism diagnosis, which, despite being expected, still had a profound emotional impact. It underscores the complexity of emotions that can accompany self-discovery and the process of coming to terms with a new understanding of one's identity.

💡Social Rejection

Social rejection refers to the experience of being excluded or not accepted by others in a social setting. The script describes the creator's childhood struggles with social interactions, leading to a sense of social rejection. This concept is central to understanding the creator's journey, as it reflects the isolation and confusion she felt growing up, which was later contextualized by her autism diagnosis.

💡Sensory Seeking

Sensory seeking is a behavior where an individual actively seeks out sensory experiences, often due to sensory sensitivities or preferences. The creator mentions sensory seeking in relation to both her autism and her exploration of certain interests, suggesting a connection between the heightened sensory experiences characteristic of autism and the intense engagement with specific activities or stimuli.

💡Meltdowns

A meltdown is an intense emotional or behavioral outburst often experienced by individuals with autism in response to overwhelming situations or sensory overload. The creator discusses experiencing meltdowns, particularly in high-intensity social situations, which can be incapacitating and distressing. This keyword is significant as it illustrates the challenges autistic individuals can face in managing their emotions and environments.

💡Shame

Shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrongs or foolishness. In the video, the creator reflects on the shame she felt regarding aspects of her behavior and interests, which she later understood to be part of her autistic experience. The concept of shame is important as it highlights the internalized stigma and self-doubt that can accompany atypical behaviors and the process of overcoming these feelings through self-acceptance and understanding.

💡Self-Acceptance

Self-acceptance is the process of embracing and being at peace with oneself, including one's strengths and weaknesses. The creator's journey towards self-acceptance is a central theme of the video, as she learns to accept her autism and the associated traits without shame. This keyword is significant as it represents the positive transformation that can occur when individuals gain a deeper understanding of themselves and their experiences.

💡Support Systems

A support system refers to the network of people and resources that provide assistance and encouragement. The creator mentions the importance of her support system, including friends and online communities, in helping her understand and accept her autism. This keyword is crucial as it underscores the value of social connections and understanding in the journey of self-discovery and personal growth.

💡Identity

Identity refers to the characteristics that make a person who they are, including their beliefs, values, and experiences. The concept of identity is central to the video, as the creator explores how her autism diagnosis has shaped her sense of self. Understanding her autism has allowed her to reconcile her past experiences and form a more cohesive and positive sense of identity.

Highlights

Savannah shares her surprise at discovering she has autism and the impact it has had on her life.

She was diagnosed with autism at age 26, which brought both sadness and a sense of closure.

Savannah's childhood was marked by sensitivity and social struggles, which were not well understood at the time.

Her father's observation of her childhood behavior highlights her early signs of autism.

Savannah describes her emotional and physical traits that were perceived as oddities during her childhood.

She discusses the social rejection and confusion she experienced in middle school due to her undiagnosed autism.

Savannah's struggle with the feeling that she was 'bad' because of her differences.

The realization that her real self was unsuitable led to a curated persona to fit in, which was exhausting.

She talks about the relief and mourning that came with her diagnosis and the understanding of her past.

Savannah reflects on how her diagnosis has helped explain her past experiences, including online grooming and an eating disorder.

She discusses the positive aspects of her life, such as her happiness, curiosity, and the joy she finds in simple pleasures.

Savannah's newfound understanding allows her to be kinder to herself and manage her expectations.

She shares her experiences with meltdowns and how her diagnosis has helped her accept and manage them.

Savannah explores the correlation between autism and certain fetishes, providing a personal and research-based perspective.

She emphasizes the importance of understanding and acceptance, both for herself and others with autism.

Savannah concludes with a message of hope and understanding for those who may relate to her experiences.

Transcripts

[singing]

[may the dear lord bless you]

[have fun, okay. go ahead. go ahead.]

It was just autism. [music: k.k. lament] I'm sure you're all very surprised. Hello! My

name is Savannah and it's nice to see you again with this new information I've acquired

on my travels. In a video I made last year I said I suspected I had a hint of the autism

– oh ho, more than a hint! Detective! It's the whole damned case! When I was there saying

that I didn't really have any intention of going through the formal diagnostic process

I was content just thinking that was probably true but as we all know the truth begs to

be officiated in a clinical setting. I was diagnosed in May at age 26. And even though

I went into the diagnosis pretty confident about what the result would be and considered

it a formality more than anything, I found myself really emotionally rocked by the certainty.

The whole experience affected me a lot more than I thought it would. I felt first very sad

but then I felt an incredible sense of closure and a moving on with my life from

a pain that has affected me profoundly since I was very young. [boioioing noise] Thought I turned

that fuckin' thing off. [studio laughter]

The sense that has pervaded every aspect of my life up to now is that I am not like other

people. As a young child a lot of my problems seemed to be a matter of sensitivity. And so

begins the very honest 3000 word essay I sent to the doctors tasked with deciding what –

what was going on. As part of the diagnostic process I was told to write a four-page minimum

effectively life and times of Savannah Brown which needed to include a statement from my

parents, in which my dad wrote: "As a very young child Savannah wasn't interested in unnecessary

interaction with others. She would always be the first to grow tired of playtime and head

off to do something on her own. Adults often tried to make her smile or laugh in ways that

would typically work on other children, but Savannah wasn't amused." Damn right I wasn't.

Folks, I was quirked up. Cried easily and often about everything. Very emotional. Very clumsy,

embarrassed easily, severe food pickiness, went to the school nurse, like, once a week, begged

to be taken away from every sleepover I ever attended, fuckin' loved dinosaurs and bugs.

This is my behavior chart from the year 2000 which features classics such as "share without

complaining" and "no growling". When I list these traits in this context, it's so clear that

that's what it was. But at the time and quite literally up 'til now all of these things

about me were mysterious. Why is this girl so odd? they all wondered. And I could sense

it, that my family and peers thought that of me – and for the record I agreed. That sense

of social rejection became especially apparent in middle school; I really really struggled

socially. I felt like I could never say the right words to endear myself to people.

My days were a life or death swivel between debilitating nervousness and complete confusion.

I had no idea what was going on. A few occasions made it clear to me that I just had no idea

about the social reality that existed around me at all – once I was having what I thought

was like a friendly, jokey conversation with a girl in my class, and she concluded the conversation

by pushing me out of my share. Oh my God, stop bullying me. I very clearly remember approaching

groups of kids – like, my age kids – and being able to sense that something was wrong. Like

there was a bristling. I eventually figured out I was making my peers uncomfortable. I

was making them uncomfortable. With my personality. This is – I'm surprised by how embarrassing

this still is to recount. It was a tough time. I don't think it's an overexaggeration

to say I found school traumatizing. My parents, bless them, did not know. I was

a straight-A student who never got in trouble for anything so there was no indication anything

was wrong there. They also didn't know I was autistic, obviously. They knew I was a little

quirky but there would not have even been an inkling that that's what it was, the information

wasn't available, it's not their fault. Unfortunately at home the autistic traits were treated as

bad behavior – which in conjunction with the social rejection I felt made it clear to me

that I was bad and these impulses only I seemed to have were bad and I would have to fight

against them if I ever wanted to be good. Throw in the Catholicism and oh my God! That's a

very interesting person! I decided I could become good and likable and desirable with

the power of intent. I basically curated personality traits, things that I found attractive

or endearing in other people and then pasted them on top of myself. I knew this had to be

done. There was no other option. I also knew that because my real self was for some

reason unsuitable for consumption that I was alone in this life. Geez. It was just me and this

difference for which I had no name. That's pretty heavy for a child. I am making this

funny, it's also sad and I want to be explicit about what this does to young people, semicolon;

I thought about not being alive anymore a lot. Not killing myself but not being

alive. But it wasn't because of depression or anxiety which I did eventually get diagnosed

with age 16 and this is a common thing, undiagnosed autistic young people first being

sometimes incorrectly diagnosed with depression or anxiety because a lot of them are not

doing well. I wanted to die because I was exhausted. I was *exhausted*. I would go to school and act

in my personal eight hour long play and be exhausted and then I'd come home to my family

and act in a second angrier eight hour long play and be exhausted. And even in the moments

I did get alone which I cherished more than anything, I was sitting in those moments

with the awareness / the absolute truth I decided that there was something very very

wrong with me. This was not ideal! Up until recently I found all of these things too fucked

up to even mention but sometimes one finds that one's darkest secrets are actually just

common well-documented symptoms. The diagnosis has brought me a great deal of relief in

how explicable it's made these mysteries of my past. I have felt profoundly

for decades that I do not make sense and to discover that I in fact make perfect sense

has been so liberating it breaks my heart. Even things that happen to me that I considered

like weird flukes: I was groomed online when I was 15 which is something that's known

to happen to girls with autism, I had an eating disorder, something else that's common in

undiagnosed autism. The relief exists alongside the mourning of an imaginary childhood where

I could have had an explanation and support but did not. Of course one wonders what

could have been different and what pains one did not have to feel. But also I've seen accounts

from people who did get diagnosed as children and they have stories about getting funneled

through the most nightmarish special ed programs you could ever imagine – it's like

there's no solution that leaves people unscathed. Anyway, now I'm very independent, I'm very adaptable

when I need to be, the fact I can mask so well is massively helpful in some situations, like,

it is happening now, I can come across well, I can tolerate a lot of mental distress. Eventually

things got better. Unsurprisingly a lot of the social turmoil went away once I didn't

have to go to school anymore. I really found a home on the internet. Bit of a godsend.

I was just thinking about this: if I were alive in a time where I was not able to do

this or, like, type in all lowercase as if my thoughts were getting beamed directly out

of my head then I think I think it would have been bad. I think I would have had a bad time.

I'm just I'm really grateful that we're all here and we've all found each other here.

Four years ago I made a video called forming real human connection? sounds fake but ok.

It was about a loneliness I had been feeling at the time. It was right after my 23rd birthday.

In hindsight it is an unintentionally textbook listing of symptoms, which a lot of you

were privy to, your degrees are in the mail. But also what I realize now is that the main

thesis of the video kind of isn't true. I talk a lot about my perceived inability

to form substantial meaningful relationships with people but when I made that video I was

in a long-term relationship. I'd been in long-term relationships before that. I think what was

happening in my analysis of my own life was – I had a lot of big ideas about what

I thought it meant to be a normal person. To me being normal meant having this like sprawling

friend group and being close to all these people and if that's not what my life looks

like it means I'm I'm doing something incorrectly or I'm not trying hard enough. There's some

kind of deficiency in me that can be fixed with mental effort and once it's fixed I

can join them. This conceit is something that keeps cropping up post-diagnosis. So much

of what I wanted for my life was structured to match what I thought a life was supposed

to look like rather than what I actually wanted for myself and in that gap between what you

think you want and what you actually want is so much straining and shame and unhappiness.

At the moment I do well to have one person. I can form that kind of intimacy I'm after

with just one person. I don't know if that'll change, but for now – I'm still figuring

a lot of stuff out. Other ongoing things: I experience meltdowns. They're triggered in

me most often by high intensity emotional social situations. I actually feel like I'm

retreating into my head, just, like, horrible psychic pain . . . having any level of productive

conversation once the meltdown is happening is totally futile. It's awful. It's

grim. It's like I'm possessed by mud. The diagnosis has been especially helpful in letting me

accept that this just like happens to me, I guess? I've found my being "an adult who

throws tantrums" so humiliating but recognizing this as an actual phenomenon that

happens because of my autism and not just like a weird fuckin' thing that I do has

been helpful in finding solutions but also just being being nicer to myself. Okay,

this is a lot but I'd be I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it, if you're related to me

you mustn't watch this next part. I've been exploring and have discovered that there seems

to be a higher incidence rate of autism among people who have fetishes. There's some research

about it, not a ton, but to me it makes sense: both sort of operate in hyper fixation, sensory

seeking . . . whatever, just a theory. Look out for my book about it in 2032. The reason I

bring this up is not because I'm desperate to have a chinwag about it but because this

is something else I have a lot of [funny voice] fucking shame about. [/end funny voice] But again it seems to have a totally

back-traceable reason in ye olde brain matter. This has all been a little grim so far, no?

There are a great deal of of positive mysteries in my life too that are maybe getting less

air time because they haven't been a problem for me, but certainly worth highlighting. I

am a very happy person. I wake up excited, I laugh a lot, I'm incredibly curious, I find

a great deal of meaning in things every day. I'm single-minded. I care about what I care

about very much. People have called this a good work ethic which is nice of them but

it doesn't really occur to me to like spend my time doing anything else, like I'm not giving

up something to . . . like you don't say an ant is working hard necessarily it's just like

doing what ants do. All I know how to do is put crumbs into holes. But it makes my purpose

very clear at any given time. I'm not often uncertain about what I'm doing. I already wrote

this out in my assessment life and times, I'll just read it to you. Um, POV you are a doctor

and I'm saying heeeelp. I finally moved in by myself last July and I have never felt more

comfortable in my life. [VOICE OVER] I think this is partially why I'm here writing this to you now. My time

alone has allowed me the space to reflect on things I've always found unusual about

my circumstances and seek the truth. The things that make me happy make me very very happy.

I love to read. I love my cat with an other worldly fervor. I love being at home and feel

a tremendous sense of ease on days I don't have to leave, to be with myself and comfortable

clothes and let a night pass around me. I feel the joy I have for these things in my body

like a yellow flare.

I experience anything designed to incite an emotional reaction and some things that aren't

intensely and pleasurably. Waves of feeling. Brought to tears by thought alone.

Psychogenic shivers all the time from everyday things: a beam of light, the sound

of rain.

I have strange, vivid dreams every night.

I've sort of been relearning how to be alive given this context I now have.

Specifically at the moment I'm working on scraping the shame from the shame covered

things. Even simple stuff like watching the same media over and over again, pleasant

sensory activities – they always felt a bit guilty. But now not only am I able to remove

the shame from those things, I can actually use them as like strategic regulatory tools.

It's like treatment. Instead of penicillin though it's like let's put on this John Mulaney

clip for you quickly. Also, you guys try wearing noise canceling headphones outside? Hot damn!

Yeah. It's been really nice not trying to force things that I felt like my inability to accomplish

or want were, like, indicative of failures deep inside me. If I feel one or two days after

a party that all of the the good life has been eradicated from my body, it's not, like,

oh my God, I am not a real person, it's like, oh, we were expecting this. The awareness

and the knowledge really lets you monitor your expectations and just be nicer to yourself.

I think that alone is a huge advantage. There are fears, for sure. I'm lucky that I'm surrounded

by people who either knew or were like, yeah, that makes sense, and on

the internet – I mean, you all have it, you know. The thought of telling someone about

it and them responding negatively is like pretty spooky. Like that wouldn't be great.

When it comes to masking, my first impulse was to be like, oh, I should stop

doing it, but actually it's a really useful and helpful thing to be able to do.

I guess the goal really is to get to a place where I feel like I don't have to be

doing it. Like anything I think this is all just going to be stuff that I keep learning

about. What is life but an endless series of answers to questions you haven't even thought

to ask yourself yet? But I already feel like I understand myself so much better – to

be clear it's not like, oh, phew, I'm not a freak. It's like, I am a freak, but it's

really funny and also there's a super good reason for it. Freak (complimentary). (positive).

I really think it's helped the people around me understand me better too which is

just as valuable, knowing that even if the people I love don't or can't relate,

they at least understand. On the whole if you couldn't tell this has been

an incredibly important and helpful development in my life. Certainly like a before and

after kind of thing. I've found like a real kind of peace from it. I'm doing really well.

If you related to any of this, um, you know. Sending love. I love seeing entire groups of

friends get diagnosed, it's so funny. As we all know it's not like spontaneously manifesting

amongst them, it's that all of these people even without the language or knowledge

of what was happening to them still managed to find each other. At the same time it

makes me sad. It makes me sad to think of anyone who felt the way I did. There seem to

be like a lot of us. It's like the population of a small country have been trying to contort

themselves into a shape that they never could have possibly made, and they're doing it like

quietly, so as not to to inconvenience anyone with their suffering. Certain it's their fault

for not understanding. Feeling like there's some distinct lack in them that could be repaired

if only they tried harder. It's really grim. It makes me sad. But hey ho. If that's you I

hope you're doing better now. I've been thinking of myself as a young child a lot, before

it was apparent to me that anything was the matter. No mysteries. That usual curiosity.

that kind of gentleness. I'm trying to carry that around.

[burn baby burn by sea power plays]