This is why you struggle during hard conversations

Summary

In this video, Connor Beaton addresses the common struggle many men face in communicating effectively within relationships. He emphasizes that poor communication is not just about expressing oneself but is deeply linked to one's ability to regulate their nervous system. Beaton explains that being in a state of stress, anxiety, or anger hinders effective communication. He suggests techniques like movement, breath work, and co-regulation to help calm the nervous system and create a baseline for better communication. These practices aim to improve the quality of conversations and conflict resolution in relationships.

Takeaways

• 🗣️ Communication in relationships is a significant challenge for many men, often due to poor nervous system regulation rather than an inability to express oneself.
• 🤔 Effective communication is not just about speaking clearly; it's also about being able to regulate one's body and nervous system to manage stress, anxiety, and anger.
• 🔄 Poor communication often stems from a lack of nervous system regulation, which can lead to conflicts escalating rather than being resolved.
• 🧘‍♂️ Techniques such as movement, breath work, and co-regulation can help regulate the nervous system and create a calm baseline for communication.
• 🏋️‍♂️ Physical movement can help ground individuals, making them feel more connected to their bodies and less focused on stress or anxiety.
• 🌬️ Breath work, such as the 4-2-6 method, can reduce heart rate and blood pressure, promoting relaxation and better communication.
• 🤝 Co-regulation involves synchronizing breath with a partner to align heart rates and create a more harmonious state for communication.
• 👫 After conflicts, engaging in co-regulation practices can help repair the communication dynamic and set a standard for calm, grounded conversations.
• 👂 Listening and speaking from a place of calm and regulation can significantly improve the quality of communication and trust within a relationship.
• 🔑 The key to improving communication is not just learning new phrases or tactics, but also learning how to regulate one's own nervous system to create a stable communication environment.

Q & A

Why is communication often a challenge in relationships?

Communication is a challenge in relationships because it's not just about expressing oneself clearly. It's also tied to one's ability to regulate their body and nervous system, which directly affects how one communicates and listens.

What is the role of the nervous system in communication?

The nervous system plays a crucial role in communication as it affects one's emotional state. If one is feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, or angry, it can hinder effective communication and listening.

What are some tactics that are commonly suggested for improving communication in relationships?

Common tactics for improving communication include using specific phrases to defuse arguments, redirecting conversations, and being clear and direct about one's needs and desires.

Why do some communication tactics fail to work effectively?

Communication tactics can fail if the individual's nervous system is not regulated. If one is tense, angry, or anxious, they may not be able to communicate the message effectively, even with the right words.

What is meant by 'regulating the nervous system' in the context of communication?

Regulating the nervous system refers to managing one's physiological state to achieve a calm and grounded state, which is conducive to effective communication.

How does the sympathetic nervous system affect communication?

The sympathetic nervous system, responsible for the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response, can lead to actions like aggression, withdrawal, or inaction, which can hinder effective communication.

What is the role of the parasympathetic nervous system in communication?

The parasympathetic nervous system acts as a brake pedal, promoting relaxation and calmness, which is essential for effective communication, especially in high-conflict situations.

What are some simple ways to down-regulate the nervous system for better communication?

Simple ways to down-regulate the nervous system include movement, breath work, and co-regulation with a partner, which can help create a baseline of calm and ease.

How can breath work help in regulating the nervous system for communication?

Breath work, such as inhaling for four counts, holding for two, exhaling for six, and holding for two, can reduce heart rate and blood pressure, promoting a sense of calm and relaxation.

What is co-regulation and how can it help in a relationship?

Co-regulation is the act of regulating nervous systems together, often through synchronized breathing. It can help synchronize heart rates and create a more harmonious and connected state between partners.

How can the practices of movement, breath work, and co-regulation be applied in real-life relationship scenarios?

These practices can be applied before or after conflicts to establish a calm baseline for communication. For example, after an argument, partners can engage in synchronized breathing to calm down and reconnect.

Outlines

00:00

🗣️ Communication Challenges in Relationships

The paragraph discusses the common struggle many individuals face in communicating effectively within their relationships. It emphasizes that poor communication is not just about expressing oneself but is deeply linked to one's ability to regulate their nervous system. The speaker points out that while there is plenty of advice on how to communicate, much of it overlooks the importance of the body's regulation in facilitating clear and effective communication. The paragraph suggests that being in a state of overwhelm, stress, or anger hinders one's ability to convey messages or listen to a partner, highlighting the need for nervous system regulation as a foundational aspect of communication.

05:01

🧘‍♂️ The Role of Nervous System Regulation in Communication

This paragraph delves into the concept of nervous system regulation, explaining how it is crucial for effective communication. It introduces the idea of a 'baseline' within the nervous system, which when calm and grounded, allows for better communication. The speaker contrasts the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, likening them to a gas pedal and a brake pedal, respectively. The sympathetic system is associated with fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses, while the parasympathetic system is linked to relaxation and calmness. The paragraph suggests that to improve communication, one should aim to down-regulate the nervous system, moving from a state of high arousal to one of calm and regulation.

10:03

💡 Techniques for Nervous System Regulation

The final paragraph offers practical advice on how to regulate the nervous system to enhance communication. It suggests simple techniques such as movement, breath work, and co-regulation with a partner. The speaker explains the benefits of these methods, including reducing heart rate and syncing heart rates between partners, which can lead to a more relaxed and synchronized state. The paragraph concludes with an invitation for viewers to share their thoughts and ask questions, emphasizing the importance of practicing these techniques to establish a standard of calm and grounded communication within relationships.

Keywords

💡Communication

Communication is the act of conveying information, ideas, or feelings through speech, signals, writing, or behavior. In the context of the video, communication is central to maintaining healthy relationships. The video emphasizes that effective communication is not just about expressing oneself clearly but also about being able to listen and understand one's partner. The script discusses how poor communication can lead to conflicts escalating and suggests that improving communication involves more than just learning the right words or phrases.

💡Conflict

Conflict refers to a disagreement or argument between people with opposing needs, views, or interests. The video script mentions that conflicts often spiral into bigger issues due to poor communication skills. It suggests that the way conflicts are handled can significantly impact the health of a relationship, and improving communication can help in managing and resolving conflicts more effectively.

💡Nervous System Regulation

Nervous system regulation refers to the process by which the nervous system maintains homeostasis and responds to changes in the internal and external environment. The video highlights that the ability to communicate effectively is directly linked to the ability to regulate one's nervous system. When the nervous system is in a state of stress or anxiety, it can hinder communication, as the individual may be too overwhelmed to express themselves clearly or listen to their partner.

💡Sympathetic Nervous System

The sympathetic nervous system is a part of the autonomic nervous system that prepares the body to react to stress and dangerous situations. It is often referred to as the 'fight or flight' response. In the video, it is mentioned that when this system is activated, it can lead to behaviors like aggression or avoidance, which can negatively affect communication during conflicts.

💡Parasympathetic Nervous System

The parasympathetic nervous system is another part of the autonomic nervous system that conserves energy and promotes relaxation. It is often referred to as the 'rest and digest' response. The video suggests that engaging this system through practices like breath work can help in calming down and creating a more conducive environment for effective communication.

💡Co-regulation

Co-regulation in the context of the video refers to the process where two individuals help each other regulate their nervous systems, often through synchronized breathing or physical touch. This practice is suggested as a way to create a calm and connected state, which can improve the quality of communication between partners after a conflict.

💡Breath Work

Breath work is a technique that involves specific patterns of breathing to induce relaxation and reduce stress. The video script provides an example of a breath work protocol where one inhales for four counts, holds for two, exhales for six, and holds for two, which is said to help in reducing heart rate and promoting a sense of calm, thereby improving communication.

💡Redirect

A redirect, as mentioned in the video, is a communication tactic where one reframes the focus of a conversation to address underlying issues rather than the immediate problem. For example, instead of arguing about forgetting to do something, the conversation can be redirected to discuss the lack of time or other underlying causes. However, the video emphasizes that the effectiveness of such tactics depends on the state of one's nervous system.

💡Grounding

Grounding in the video refers to the practice of becoming more aware of one's physical presence and sensations, which can help in reducing anxiety and stress. It is suggested that grounding oneself can improve communication by allowing one to be more present and less reactive during conversations, especially in high-conflict situations.

💡Homeostasis

Homeostasis is the maintenance of a stable internal environment in the body, which includes factors like temperature, pH, and chemical composition. In the context of the video, homeostasis is used metaphorically to describe a state of balance and calm within the nervous system, which is essential for effective communication. The video suggests that individuals who can maintain a sense of homeostasis are better communicators.

Highlights

Communication struggles in relationships are common and often require improvement.

Poor communication is not just about expressing oneself but also about nervous system regulation.

Conflicts escalate due to poor nervous system regulation, not just communication skills.

Effective communication is linked to the ability to regulate one's body and nervous system.

Emotional states like anxiety, stress, or anger hinder effective communication.

Tactics for communication can be less effective if the nervous system is not regulated.

Effective communicators have a solid baseline of calmness and grounding.

The sympathetic nervous system is responsible for fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses.

The parasympathetic nervous system acts as a brake, promoting relaxation and calm.

Down-regulating the nervous system is key to effective communication during conflict.

Movement can help regulate the nervous system and prepare for difficult conversations.

Breath work is a powerful tool for reducing heart rate and promoting relaxation.

Co-regulation involves synchronizing nervous systems with a partner for better communication.

After an argument, co-regulation can help restore calm and prepare for constructive communication.

Leading communication from a grounded state sets a standard for healthy discussions in a relationship.

Engaging in breath synchronization can help align heart rates and create a more harmonious state.

Transcripts

do you suck

at communicating in your relationship

are you terrible at it do you feel like

you you are unable to communicate what

you want or what you need do you feel

like any time that you get into conflict

with your girlfriend or your wife that

it just sort of spirals into something

uh even bigger than the initial sort of

conflict or argument or disagreement

for a lot of guys communication

relationships is like one of the big

things that they're really trying to

work on and for a lot of men that i've

worked with over the years when they

when they come in whether they're coming

to work with me one-on-one or they're

coming to work with me as a couple

communication is is one of the biggest

challenges that they seem to be facing

in the relationship so why is it that

many of us

struggle to be proficient

at communicating in our relationships

the first thing they're going to say i'm

going to talk very clearly and give you

some very specific points about how to

improve

your communication within your

relationship but one of the things that

i think most of the videos on youtube

and most of the videos online

don't talk about when it comes to

communicating more effectively right

telling her exactly what you want

getting your needs met in a relationship

being clear being directors there's a

lot of good stuff out there and there's

some there's some really good advice

there's some shitty and terrible advice

but i think one of the things that most

of the videos miss

is that poor communication

is not just limited to your ability to

express yourself and that conflict and

arguments and fights recurring fights

happening within your relationship

not not

simply because you or your partner

have some bad habits in your

relationship or are you not very good at

communicating they happen

because

of the level of regulation within your

nervous system right so

your ability to communicate is directly

correlated to your ability to regulate

your body and your nervous system

so

your body your nervous system is an

incredibly important aspect of how you

communicate right if you are feeling

overwhelmed or stressed out if you're

feeling anxious or shut down if you're

feeling you know overwhelmed with anger

none of those experiences none of that

none of those states that you are

experiencing within your body within

your nervous system are going to be

conducive

for you

to communicate your message or to listen

to your partner or to communicate your

needs or your wants or your desires

to the woman that you're with

and so for a lot of men they go out you

know they watch youtube videos they go

and read a book and what they're looking

for are tactics of how to say the right

thing and there's a lot of stuff out

there that'll teach you

you know sentences and phrases that you

can use within your relationship how to

defuse an argument very quickly there's

some decent stuff out there but the

problem that a lot of guys face is that

using those tools right using just a you

know a simple uh sentence within a

conflict you know like the problem isn't

x the problem is why that's a very

simple redirect that you can use within

a relationship that you know if you're

if your partner is saying well the

problem is that you know you forgot to

do this

and you're saying no well the problem

isn't that i forgot to do that the

problem is that i just haven't had time

to get it done yet and and here's and

here's why right so there's a very

simple redirect that you can use but the

issue with that is that if your nervous

system if

as you're communicating from that you

know using that tactic using that

redirect if your nervous system is

dysregulated right you're you're tensed

you're wound up you're angry right

you're boiling you're like no the

problem isn't there the problem is

you're you're not going to be able to

communicate the message effectively and

so for most men

what i've seen over the years is the

problem i'm going to use it right now

the problem isn't that they're poor

communicators

the problem is that their nervous system

is poorly regulated and the degree that

you're able to regulate your nervous

system

equals the degree to which your partner

is going to trust your communication

and that you are going to trust your

capacity to communicate right

really effective communicators what they

do really well

is they create a baseline a felt

baseline of experience and so if you

watch any good communicator whether it's

a lawyer

you know in a courtroom or you watch

somebody on youtube or whatever it is

what they do really well first and

foremost is that they have a solid

baseline within their nervous system

they're calm they're grounded uh they're

centered

and from that place they can communicate

and you can see

anybody do this right anybody that you

that you follow or that you watch

the reason why

they're so

good at what they do the sort of draw

that you naturally feel towards them

is often that there's a there's a kind

of steadiness

to their nervous system right there's a

place of homeostasis of relaxation of

calm and ease

that naturally allows your body to

settle in so where a lot of men are

going wrong is not that they're

communicating poorly maybe that's true

some of the time and they they need to

actually

change the language that they're using

change the way they listen

but most of the time it's that the

baseline of their nervous system is

jacked up they're really anxious they're

super stressed out they're really angry

you know they're disconnected i don't

give a about this i don't care

about this i don't even want to be

talking about this and so they're

automatically disengaged and what

happens is that their partner can feel

that right your woman can feel that she

can feel when you're worked up so the

first step to healthier more potent more

powerful communication

is being able to

down regulate what's called down

regulate your nervous system so very

quickly your nervous system the

autonomic nervous system has two

separate parts the sympathetic and the

parasympathetic and i'm going to give

just a very basic version of this

there's there's so much more data and

information here that i can give but i'm

going to give you the basic version

which is that your sympathetic nervous

system is responsible for your fight

flight freeze

or fawn that one doesn't get talked

about a lot i'll touch on it here in a

second

uh so your sympathetic nervous system is

is kind of like the gas pedal you know

the more in your sympathetic nervous

system that you are

the more

uh that you're going to want to take

action you're going to want to do stuff

you're you're going to want to push back

in a conversation if you're a fighter

you're going to want to

shut down and run away if you are a

fleer you're going to want to not do

anything you know if you're a freezer

that sympathetic nervous system is

responsible for releasing a whole host

of chemicals within your body right

neural chemicals like

cortisol

and adrenaline depending on the

situation to to move you into action in

some capacity

the parasympathetic nervous system is

like the brake pedal so the

parasympathetic nervous system is what

gets activated like let's just say after

you have a big meal so after you eat a

big meal that's what you know your body

starts to relax and calm down your heart

rate you know goes down blood

accumulates within the core of your body

and you feel a little bit more at a

restful state

so if you're able to communicate from

this place even in high conflict

situations right maybe you forgot to do

something maybe your wife is upset with

you or she's pissed off the kids and

she's you know really riled up

if you're able to communicate and engage

from a more grounded

calm orientation

the likelihood that that communication

is going to go effectively versus if

you're wound up if you're super anxious

if you're really nervous if you're angry

the likelihood that it's going to go

well in your parasympathetic versus your

sympathetic is quite a bit higher so you

want to find ways to to

down regulate to regulate your nervous

system into that more calm grounded

orientation so how do we do that well

some very simple ways movement is a good

way right so if you know you're going to

have a tough conversation

you can move your body you can do some

stretches you can do some yoga you can

do some push-ups some squats just to get

the blood flowing in the body

and and feel a little bit more in the

body and out of the head because most of

us as men we live up here in our

thoughts constantly and we're

disconnected from the charge of anger or

anxiousness or stress that we are

actually feeling in our chest or in our

belly in our bodies so movement is one

breath work is another really big one

you know there are some very simple

protocols that you can use a really good

one that has been proven time and time

again i think it gets used with people

that have ptsd symptoms is inhale for

four in through the nose so for a count

of four hold for two exhale for six out

the mouth hold for two

and what this does is as you breathe in

through the nose very natural breath

right for a count of four that inhale is

measured and then you hold the breath

and exhale out through the mouth for six

and over time if you do this for a

minute or two minutes what it's actually

going to do is to start to

reduce your heart rate so if you're

feeling stressed if you're feeling

anxious about a conversation with your

partner or if you've had a little bit of

an argument and you're you know you're

worked up and your breath is shallow and

you're tense this is a really good

exercise for you to do

to allow yourself to down regularly

because you're sort of forcing your

heart rate down you're forcing your

blood pressure down and just that

natural shift can can cause a lot of

ease a lot of relaxation within the body

so you start to use

things like the breath work and then

finally is something called

co-regulation

co-regulation is when you

engage with your partner in the act of

regulating your nervous systems together

there's a number of ways to do this they

often include using the breath

but a very simple activity is going

forehead to forehead with your partner

putting your hands on the back on her

back and having her put her hands on

your back ideally where the very bottom

of the rib cage is

and when you do that just taking 30

maybe 40 breaths together and having

your breath match up with hers now

what's going to happen here again is

that after about 20 breaths right so

you've got forehead to forehead you've

got your hands on the back of her ribs

and you're following her breath so as

she inhales you inhale as she exhales

you exhale and as you go through this

practice after about 20 breaths because

you're following her breath

your heart rates are going to start to

sync up so your physical heartbeat

is going to reduce hers is going to

reduce and you're going to find yourself

in a much more

synchronistic space because your

heartbeats will actually start to line

up

and so it gives you a baseline where

you're regulating one another's nervous

system now obviously if you're in the

heat of an argument you're not gonna be

like uh let's sit down and put our

foreheads together and breathe

that's probably not what you're going to

do in the heat of an argument

however after an argument right you can

say hey

come sit down with me let's just take a

few breaths clearly this you know this

conversation did not go well but let's

just take a few breaths together and you

leading the

the repair after the conflict you

leading the communication you beginning

to sort of set the tone for this is how

we have these conversations we have

these conversations in a grounded way we

have these conversations in a calm way

and and you prioritizing that grounded

nature within your within your own body

first and foremost is going to set up a

certain standard within your

relationship

so comment below let me know what you

thought about this video let me know

what you took from it obviously i gave

you a couple very sort of basic

practices that you can use but let me

know what stood out to you what you

found helpful what you think would be

very helpful

for me to cover if you're looking for

more of this

in terms of practices or questions that

you'd like me to cover in future videos

so thanks very much for tuning in don't

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until next week this is connor beaton

signing off