The Definitive Guide To Overcome Limerence and Conquer The Devouring Mother

Summary

This video delves into 'Liancé', a term for love addiction, exploring its intense infatuation and spiritual connection that can quickly turn into obsession and anxiety. The speaker discusses the roots of toxic relationships and codependency, often stemming from unresolved parental complexes and enmeshment. The solution involves individuation from parents, self-worth development, and creating a fulfilling life to overcome the addictive cycle of seeking external validation and love.

Takeaways

• 📚 The term 'Liancé' was coined by D.T. in the 1970s to describe a state of love addiction, characterized by intense infatuation and a sense of spiritual connection with another person.
• 💞 People experiencing Liancé often report feeling completely enmeshed with their partner, as if they share the same essence and can anticipate each other's thoughts and feelings.
• 🔮 Some individuals describe experiencing psychic phenomena, such as sensing their partner's presence or smell, even when physically apart.
• 🌑 However, the highs of Liancé can quickly turn into anxiety, obsession, and a cycle of breakups and reconciliations, often leading to a devastating end and deep depression.
• 🤯 Liancé can be so powerful that it can lead to a loss of motivation to live and a constant replay of 'what if' scenarios in one's mind, indicative of a masochistic tendency.
• 👥 The phenomenon of Liancé is often associated with unresolved mother or father complexes, which can lead to toxic and codependent relationship patterns.
• 🧐 Codependency involves an external sense of self-worth and experiences with overbearing or 'devouring' parents, leading to a lack of individual identity and personal boundaries.
• 🦁 Individuals with codependent tendencies may adopt a facade of self-sufficiency, but this often masks a deep-seated need for validation and a fear of being seen as they truly are.
• 🔄 The script received from parents, which dictates how one should live, can lead to a cycle of suppressing one's authentic self and adopting values that cause feelings of shame and inadequacy.
• 🌐 The solution to overcoming Liancé involves accepting reality, individuating from one's parents, and developing one's own qualities and potential to create a fulfilling life.
• 💡 Understanding and addressing the projections made onto the Liancé object, and taking responsibility for one's part in the dynamic, is crucial for personal growth and healthier relationships.

Q & A

What is 'Liancé' and when was the term coined?

Liancé, meaning love addiction, was coined by D.T. in the 1970s. It describes a state of being completely infatuated with someone, feeling like you've met your soulmate, and experiencing a spiritual connection.

What are the characteristics of experiencing 'Liancé'?

During 'Liancé', individuals feel in mesh with the other person, anticipate their thoughts and feelings, and may even sense their presence or smell from a distance. It feels magical but can turn dark with anxiety and obsession.

How does 'Liancé' affect relationships?

Relationships under the influence of 'Liancé' tend to be compulsive, with cycles of breaking up and reconciling. It often leads to a soul-crushing breakup and depression, leaving individuals feeling a part of themselves is gone.

What is the role of the mother and father complex in 'Liancé' and toxic relationships?

Unresolved mother and father complexes condition the anima and animus, leading to identification with the poor puer or puella eternos. This complex acts as a script for how one should live, affecting relationship patterns and contributing to codependency.

What is 'Codependency' and how does it relate to 'Liancé'?

Codependency is a spectrum where individuals have an external sense of self-worth and often experience devouring parents. It's linked to 'Liancé' as both involve an external validation for self-worth and a lack of individuation.

What are the signs of having devouring parents?

Signs include a lack of boundaries, being treated as an extension of the parents, and being made responsible for their well-being. This can lead to people-pleasing behaviors, a lack of personal boundaries, and an external sense of self-worth.

How does the external sense of self-worth contribute to 'Liancé'?

An external sense of self-worth leads individuals to seek validation and a sense of purpose from others, often projecting their unfulfilled needs onto a romantic partner, which can result in 'Liancé'.

What is the role of individuation in overcoming 'Liancé'?

Individuation is crucial for overcoming 'Liancé' as it involves breaking free from parental complexes, making one's own decisions, and developing one's own identity, thus reducing the reliance on others for validation.

How does the script from parents influence our adult relationships?

The script from parents, which includes rules and guidelines about how to live, can lead to suppressing one's natural personality and adopting values that create a shame-based identity, affecting how we approach relationships.

What are the steps to overcome 'Liancé' as suggested in the script?

The steps include individuating from parents, understanding what was projected onto the 'Liancé' object and developing those qualities oneself, making practical changes to create a fulfilling life, and updating one's view on relationships and love.

Outlines

00:00

💔 Understanding Limerence and Its Impact

This paragraph introduces the concept of limerence, a term coined in the 1970s to describe a state of being infatuated to the point of feeling a spiritual connection with another person. It's characterized by an intense feeling of having met one's soulmate and an anticipation of their thoughts and feelings. However, this high is often followed by anxiety and obsession, leading to a cycle of breakups and reconciliations. The paragraph also discusses how limerence can lead to a deep depression and loss of motivation to live, with individuals often indulging in obsessive fantasies and self-berating behaviors. The speaker links limerence to unresolved mother and father complexes, suggesting these complexes can lead to toxic and codependent relationships.

05:01

🌟 The Role of Codependency and Enmeshment

The second paragraph delves into codependency, explaining how an external sense of self-worth and experiences with devouring parents contribute to this condition. It describes how individuals with codependency may develop a carefully curated persona to seek acceptance and validation, often leading to a loss of their true selves. The concept of 'empaths' and 'social chameleons' is discussed, highlighting how these individuals can lose themselves in the personas they create. The paragraph also introduces the term 'enmeshment,' which describes a lack of boundaries between a child and their parents, leading to the child taking on adult responsibilities and emotions. This dynamic can result in the child feeling like a burden and developing a people-pleasing behavior, ultimately leading to a lack of personal boundaries and self-awareness.

10:01

🔄 The Cycle of Limerence and Relationship Patterns

The third paragraph explores how the combination of an unresolved parental complex and an external sense of self-worth creates a predisposition for dysfunctional relationships. It explains that individuals may project their parental complex onto potential partners, seeking a substitute parent figure to fulfill their needs and provide a sense of meaning and purpose. This dynamic often leads to idealization and a loss of touch with reality, as individuals expect their partners to be perfect and fulfill all their fantasies. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of individuation from parents and developing one's own qualities and potential to break this cycle. It also touches on the need to update one's view on relationships and love, suggesting that healthy connections take time to build and are not instant.

15:01

📚 Resources for Overcoming Limerence and Codependency

The final paragraph serves as a call to action, encouraging viewers to seek further information and resources to understand and overcome limerence and codependency. It mentions the availability of the speaker's book and courses, which provide a step-by-step guide to understanding the mechanisms of projection and individuation from parents. The paragraph also invites viewers to join the Audacity University for access to courses, live meetings, and a community of like-minded individuals. The speaker concludes by thanking the viewers and expressing anticipation for the next video.

Keywords

💡Liancé

Liancé, coined by D.T. in the 1970s, refers to a state of being completely infatuated with someone, akin to a spiritual experience where one feels they've met their soulmate. It is a central theme of the video, illustrating the intense but potentially toxic emotional connection that can lead to love addiction. The script describes liancé as generating an instant recognition and a feeling of being 'in meshed' with the other person, which can quickly turn into anxiety and obsession.

💡Codependency

Codependency is a relationship dynamic where one person relies excessively on the other for emotional support and validation. In the video, it is linked to unresolved mother and father complexes and is a key factor in the development of toxic relationships. The script discusses codependency as a spectrum, with behaviors ranging from external self-worth to people-pleasing tendencies, often rooted in childhood experiences with 'devouring' parents.

💡Devouring Parent

A 'devouring parent' is a term used to describe a parent who is overly involved in their child's life to the point of suffocating and overwhelming them. The script mentions that such parents can make their child feel like an extension of themselves, often leading to a lack of individual identity and personal autonomy in the child. This concept is integral to understanding the origins of codependency and its impact on adult relationships.

💡Self-worth

Self-worth in the video is depicted as being external, meaning that an individual's sense of value is dependent on the judgment of others. This is a result of codependent behaviors learned from childhood, where love and validation were contingent upon fulfilling certain expectations. The script illustrates how an external sense of self-worth can lead to perfectionism and a curated persona to gain acceptance and validation.

💡Individuation

Individuation is the process of developing a sense of self and becoming an independent individual, separate from one's parents or original group. The video emphasizes the importance of individuation in overcoming the mother and father complexes and in developing healthy relationships. The script suggests that individuation involves making one's own decisions and living one's own life, rather than being overly influenced by parental expectations.

💡Projection

Projection is a psychological term referring to the act of attributing one's own feelings, desires, or needs onto another person. In the context of the video, it is discussed as a mechanism that leads to liancé, where unresolved parental complexes are projected onto a romantic partner, expecting them to fulfill needs that were not met in childhood. The script uses projection to explain the unrealistic expectations placed on romantic partners in toxic relationships.

💡Anima and Animus

Anima and Animus are Jungian concepts representing the feminine and masculine aspects within an individual, respectively. The video mentions these terms in relation to the mother and father complexes and how they condition the way individuals relate to others, especially in romantic relationships. The script suggests that understanding and integrating these aspects can help in overcoming codependency and developing healthier relationships.

💡Perfectionism

Perfectionism, as discussed in the video, is a tendency to pursue flawlessness and set exceedingly high standards for oneself. It is often a compensatory behavior for individuals with an external sense of self-worth, as they believe that being impeccable in everything they do will lead to acceptance and love. The script illustrates how perfectionism can be a facade to hide feelings of inadequacy and shame.

💡Empath

An empath, in the context of the video, is someone who is highly sensitive to the emotions and needs of others, often to the point of neglecting their own. The script uses the term to describe individuals who may be codependent, as they tend to absorb the emotions of others and prioritize their needs over their own, leading to a loss of personal identity and boundaries.

💡Masochism

Masochism, as mentioned in the script, refers to the tendency to derive pleasure or satisfaction from one's own suffering. In the context of the video, it is associated with individuals who indulge in obsessive fantasies and self-berating behaviors following a breakup, often as a result of unresolved emotional trauma and a lack of self-worth. The script describes masochism as a self-destructive pattern that can perpetuate feelings of depression and hopelessness.

💡Self-actualization

Self-actualization is the process of realizing one's potential and becoming the most that one can be. The video suggests that overcoming liancé and codependency involves self-actualization, where individuals must actively engage with repressed parts of themselves and develop their talents and abilities. The script emphasizes that true fulfillment comes from within and that external validation or romantic relationships cannot substitute for personal growth and self-discovery.

Highlights

The term 'Liancé' was coined by D.T. in the 1970s to describe love addiction.

Liancé involves a state of infatuation with someone, feeling a spiritual connection as if meeting a soulmate.

People experiencing Liancé may anticipate their partner's thoughts and feelings, feeling deeply connected.

Liancé can lead to feelings of anxiety and constant obsession over a particular person.

Relationships influenced by Liancé often involve a cycle of breaking up and reconciling.

Liancé can result in a deep depression and loss of motivation to live after a breakup.

The concept of 'Devari' describes the effects of a 'devouring' parent, often leading to a lack of personal boundaries.

Devari parents may treat their children as extensions of themselves, creating a sense of responsibility for the parent's well-being.

Codependency is linked to an external sense of self-worth and experiences with 'devouring' parents.

Codependent individuals may adopt values that make them feel ashamed, leading to a lack of a strong sense of self.

People with an external sense of self-worth may become addicted to perfection and develop a carefully curated persona.

Liancé can be seen as a powerful drug, influencing toxic and codependent relationships.

The mother and father complex can be understood as a script from parents, dictating how one should live their life.

Individuation from parents is crucial to overcoming the effects of the mother and father complex.

Liancé often involves projecting qualities or capacities one lacks onto another person.

Overcoming Liancé requires accepting reality and focusing on creating a life one is proud of.

The solution to Liancé involves understanding projections and developing the qualities one admires in others.

Healthy relationships and a realistic view of love require time and effort to build and maintain.

Transcripts

hey it's a krier here and for this video

I've prepared the definitive guide to

overcome liit and the divari mod so the

term Lim was coined by d t in the 1970s

and it basically means love addiction

and I don't use this words slightly it

first a state of being completely

infatuated with someone and it feels

like a spiritual experience like you

finally met your soulmate and it

generates an instant recognition like

you've always known that person and

perhaps that you shared hundreds of best

lives together while experiencing liance

you feel completely in meshed with the

other person like you two are made of

the same fabric you can anticipate

everything they're thinking and feeling

and it feels like the most precious

thing in the universe furthermore many

people report crazy experiences like

being able to feel the presence or the

smell of their partner even being

thousands of miles apart so everything

feels magical however if you ever

experience Slimmer you know that

everything can turn dark very quickly

the men's Highs are compensated by

massive amounts of anxiety and

constantly obsessing about this one

particular person it's like your life

depends on it you can't understand why

but something in you becomes hooked to

the cycle and you know it hurts but just

like an addict you want just one more

drink of this poisonous love so the

relationship tends to be widely

compulsive and many people enter a

visual cycle of breaking up and

reconciling over and over again some

people find a way to delude them

themselves and stay in the cycle for

years and years but more often than not

it inevitably leads to a breakup that

crushes your soul and there spirit and

now you feel like a piece of you is gone

you experien a massive depression and

completely lose your motivation to live

your life you feel abandoned and start

playing the same movie in your mind over

and over again what if we stay together

what if things were different what if I

was more good-looking smarter or even

richer what if I wasn't such a loser

and at this point you basically become a

masochist indulging in obsessive

fantasies and constantly berating

yourself the crazy thing is that many

people experience liance with people

they just once or exchanged a few texts

online in many cases it's completely

platonic the chance of being together

was always inexistent however they give

into this poisonous fantasies and allow

them to completely steal their will to

live that's why I consider liem to be

one of the most powerful drugs that

exist and and in my opinion it's one of

the main factors behind toxic and

codependent relationships and I noticed

that studying this phenomenon has become

very popular in the past 5 years or so

however karung explored the subject at

length under the terms of animal and

anima projection and every young analyst

knows about it so in my practice as a

therapist I found that the origins of

liance and toxic relationship patterns

tend to be an unresolved mother and

father complex which greatly conditions

the animal an anima and also lead leads

to an identification with the poor and

poor eternos also known as The Man Child

or the woman child in my last video how

to break free from childhood trauma we

explored how the mother and father

complex could be understood as a script

we receive from our parents telling us

how we should live our lives so this

script contains rules and guidelines

about how a man or lady should behave

what kind of works acceptable what faith

you should adopt how one should dress

and even who you're allowed to date in

summary Emanuel did telling how you

should live your life and over time the

presence of the mother or father isn't

required anymore this is script is

internalized and becomes our mod operand

in y psychology we call it the mod and

father complex in the last video I

focused on how to break this script and

finally become a mature adult capable of

making your own decisions and living

your own life so now I want to explore

how the mother and father complex is

linked with codependency liance and how

it affects our relationships

codependency is a very complex subject

but I noticed that two important factors

stand to be present the first one is an

external sense of self-worth and the

second is having experience devouring

parents and in measurement furthermore

when we discuss codependency it's

important to understand that this is a

spectrum and most people who experience

difficulty in their relationships will

display at least a few codependent

behaviors to simplify things we can say

that a relationship blueprint emerges

from the experiences we have with our

parents and because we learned that

receiving love and validation is

dependent on fulfilling this script we

quickly realize that we must act in a

certain way to not only receive this

validation but to also avoid

altercations the problem is that

following this script often goes against

our natural

personalities and we end up suppressing

many important qualities and our

authentic desires we adopt values that

make us feel ashamed of who we are and

that there's even something in curently

wrong with us we never feel good enough

and never de velop a strong sense of

self instead our sense of selfworth is

completely external and dependent on how

other people judge us and to compensate

for this shame based identity we tend to

become addicted to Perfection and

develop a carefully curated Persona with

desperately want to be seen and to be

fully accepted and we try to accomplish

that by being Immaculate in everything

that we do you know if I can only do

this one thing right they will finally

see me they will finally love me but we

know this day never comes

and when it finally does it creates even

more resentment why well because we're

not the ones receiving this love but the

character we are playing speaking of

which many people repart me social

chameleons and creating different

personalities in each group they

participating you know they have this

ability to Mar into exactly what people

expect of them however they lose

themselves in these characters and have

no idea who they are they also like to

be called

empaths but this is just another way of

saying that you are C severely

codependent another very common pattern

is to compensate for this lack of

self-worth by putting on the

self-sufficient facade and acting like

nothing can FAS you when in reality this

is just a childish arrogance and I know

that because this used to be me and the

crazy part is that there's always

someone who can truly see us but we

usually get scared and run away because

we don't want to break the character and

we're not ready to accept who we truly

are lastly this external sense of

selfworth primes you to abandon your

true self and constantly look for

someone to fulfill this internal void

however the truth is that only you can

do that by actively engaging with the

parts of you that were repressed giving

life to your talents and exploring your

potential I won't go into detail here

because I already discussed that in my

last video plus you can find everything

you need to know in my course catabasis

the shadow integration manual so now

let's explore the second part of this

equation so iMat is a term created by

Salvador minin and I have no idea if I

pronounced this right but this term

perfectly describes the effects of what

Kung called the devouring mother and

it's important to realize that the

parent is diving because they are

codependent themselves and that's why

they can be incredibly suffocating and

overwhelming and by the way I'm using

the term divari mother because that's

way more common however fathers can also

act in the exact same way simply put a

mment happens when there aren't any

boundaries between you and your parents

everything is blurred and there's no

sense of individual ity they treat you

as an extension of themselves and they

will usually make you the reason for

their whole existence and will make sure

that you feel this weight they will tell

you that everything they do is for you

and list all the sacrifices they had to

make so you better behave and act

exactly like they want and fulfill all

of their expectations to pay this

insurmountable debt well no wonder we

tend to feel like a burden and start to

let go of our wants and needs

furthermore enmeshment is usually

coupled with identification which has

many degrees but basically you feel

responsible at some level for their

well-being so instead of you being a kid

you suddenly become their confident and

they tell you everything that's wrong

with their relationship and even ask you

to make important decisions for them if

you have siblings you usually become a

second parent to them and start burying

many responsibilities that a kid

shouldn't have you find yourself

constantly trying to appease their

emotions and care for them and in this

process you forget about yourself and

never develop a strong e you might even

feel like having your own dreams and

needs is wrong and selfish so you become

a people pleaser who can't say no and

doesn't have any boundaries and in

severe cases you start dissociating from

your own emotions which can also lead to

psychotic symptoms because your parents

are codependent they unconsciously feel

threatened when you want to develop your

autonomy and usually sabotage all your

attempts to grow up and this usually

comes in the form of over protection

never allowing you to have your own own

experiences and it might even highlight

your inaptitude and all of your mistakes

in the end you never learn to live on

your own and the same time that you feel

responsible for them they're also

constantly trying to rule your life and

it feels like a prison and the worst

part is that you feel guilty for wanting

to leave and living your own life I

distinctly remember having dreams in

which my feet were cut off and I was

trying to crawl while I was bleeding it

was horrible but that's a perfect

picture of how I used it feel at

desperately wanted to conquer my

autonomy but I was afraid of living my

own life and another very common

indicator of inment is having sexual

dreams with their parents I mean I don't

think there's anything more talent in

that if you were parentified I know that

you feel responsible at some level for

your parents and that they need you and

perhaps they even guil trip you however

you must realize that caring for them

was never your responsibility and now

that you are an adult keeping putting

this weight on yourself is just a way to

avoid making your own decisions and

living your own life once again that's

why I keep saying how important it is to

individuate from our parents now when we

pair this relationship blueprint and an

external sense of self worth it creates

The Perfect combo for dysfunctional

relationships as you expect the other

person to not only feel this void but to

give you a sense of meaning and purpose

the mother and father complex are

projected and you expect your partner to

fulfill the role of of a substitute

parent that will cater to your every

need you're after that modern gaze and

you want to feel seen and to be fully

accept it and for it to happen this

object also has to be magical we want

all of that to come from a perfect being

and that's why we put them on a pedestal

so they can finally correspond to our

fantasies and idealization in that sense

the liant object has the function to

compensate for everything heal all our

wounds and fix our entire life once we

receive the validation and sense of self

worth from this Godlike figure this is

so common that I've lost count of how

many times I've heard about it from my

clients and I'm also gear of it in fact

every person identified with the poor

and Poets has at least one liance story

or a harsh breakup to share as I record

this a very common pattern comes to mind

people who experience L usually feel

lost don't have any sense of purpose

don't have clarity about who they are

and don't feel proud about the lives

they're living in fact they usually

don't feel any sense of agency instead

of facing this reality and taking action

to change their lives they unconsciously

choose to indulge in obsessive fantasies

which usually come in moments of extreme

frustration and distress you want to be

rescued and believe that everything will

be perfect once you're together it's

interesting that when we analyze Li's

fantasies they usually highlight

repressed desires needs talents and a

picture of the life we wish we could be

living people usually say that they got

attracted because the person seemed

confident and authentic they're

following their passions in life they're

so independent and in touch with their

emotions perhaps they do something you

always wanted to do but never had the

courage or they have a talent you admire

instead of developing your own

personality and exploring your potential

you want to leave vicariously through

them and end up replicating the same

Ines Dynamic you had with your parents

you see them as an extension of yourself

and because you get all of your

validation from them there's also an

underlying controlling aspect you want

them to correspond to your fantasies and

demands and if they don't you feel

frustrated sad and sometimes even

betrayed however it's imperative to

understand that you're not seeing the

real person in front of you only your

projection the expecting someone to

match your fantasies is incredibly

childish and narcissistic but in this

Dynamics is out of the scope of this

video but you can read about it in my

book on the chapter about the animals

and anima and you can receive your copy

once you join my newsletter plus I have

a whole course on it in the aesty

University finally liance is a myop

psychotic state that makes you lose

touch with reality and although it seems

quite complex the solution is incredibly

simple it obviously requires effort to

overcome it but it's still fairly simple

all you have to do is fully accept your

reality and direct all the energy you

spend daydreaming about other people to

create a life you're proud of first we

discussed how the origin is an

unresolved parental complex and that's

why it's imperative to individuate from

your parents and start making your own

decisions and second you have to

understand what was projected upon your

lant object and develop this quality or

capacity for yourself and of course this

will involve making practical changes to

create a life in which you can explore

your potential and feel truly happy you

know people will usually spend years

ruminating about an ex or hung up in a

platonic fantasy because they are

unwilling to take any responsibility and

understand how they contributed to

creating this situation in fact many

people will unconsciously go after an

available people to confirm their

narratives about being a l Mo or

undesirable all of that so they don't

have to change and can keep daydreaming

and blaming other people however the

price of freedom is responsibility

lastly your view about relationships and

how it feels to be in love will have to

be updated it's funny but when you are

used to experiencing limits healthy

relationships in but the truth is that

connection and intimacy take time to

build but the subject deserves to be

explored in another video finally you

can learn more about the mod and father

complex in my book and you can receive

your copy when you join a newsletter or

you can take a shortcut and find a step

by step to understand the mechanisms of

projection

and individuate from your parents in my

bestselling course katabasis the shadow

integration Manu you can also come

directly to the audacity University and

access all of my courses participate in

live meetings and connect with

like-minded people all links are in the

description thanks for watching and I'll

see you in the next one

[Music]